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11. The Joker

The Joker is everyone’s favourite species of golfer. Except when you are betting. Here’s a guy that understands one of the core fundamentals of gilagolf theory: No matter how many times we practice, we will still suck. It’s a fact. Unless you are a pro, or someone who’s striving to be a pro, you will come to a day when you just plain suck. Look at Tiger at Quail Hollow. He sucked. So, as a golfer, you respond by:

a) Furiously tomahawk your clubs on the ground and spout the most flowery language possible to everyone and to the sky

b) Laugh it off, implement gilagolf theory that we all suck, and play better.

It is proven when someone plays without pressure of performing well, he plays better.

Characteristics: The Joker has a gift of looking at golf and not taking it too seriously. They can range from really lousy players; or some pretty good ones, but who don’t get too worked up when he shoots a quintuple bogey in a par 3. They are invariably relaxed and they are prone to chatter. They are the Freddie Couples of your group, where they will laugh at themselves and laugh with others.They are not so worried about the golf game itself, they are more concerned with the overall group fun that everyone has. They are masters of positive thinking and will try everything on the course, including hitting a ball embedded under a waterfall or going for an impossible one-on just for fun. They are also unpredictable, and often throw the more serious golfers off with their antics, if they are not reigned in or managed properly. While generally popular, the Joker can be a downright distraction, especially when he squats and clucks like a chicken in celebrating his birdie putt.

What to do if you have one in your flight: When you have a joker, you generally have lots of fun. Even when the course is crap or the weather is storming or when the sun is slowly peeling the skin off your back and boiling you; the Joker remains a Joker and you get your share of laughter. Enjoy the ride, especially when he shanks his ball and murders a caddie, or his clubs fly further than the ball, or when he topples into the water trying to hit an impossible half sunken ball: prepare to be entertained. Be careful if you are taking up a bet with a Joker on your side. His plus can be a negative when he starts playing like an idiot and going for the impossible shots when you are 3 down 3 to go and playing for RM1000. You will wish you can carve his brains out with a rusted 3 iron. They are generally poor gamblers, but they are the best to bring along if you have beginners or you just want to have a general good time.

What to do if you are a Joker: Be who you are. Golf needs people who doesn’t get too angry over a bad shot. We need less Tiger Woods primadonas out there who curses and cusses etc. We need people who can joke around, see the game for what it is (a pain in the a$$ that for some reason we keep playing), and know that golf can be a game of fun and not intimidate first timers. Be the golf evangelist, never make fun out of malice, and bring the game to all those who says golf is for stuffy, old, overweight idiots or for a black guy who has a hot wife, yet goes after old looking pornstars.

We need to bring back the positive image into the game, dude!!

12. The Hacker

We leave this species to the end, because this species is the most important one in the golf ecosystem. The Hacker. The beginner. The newbie. The Sui-Yee. We need to respect and take care of this species because they are the most vulnerable species ever, without which, the race of golfers will not survive past 2012. Hackers can come in different age, size, shapes and gender. Hackers can be new to golf, or they can be guys playing for x number of years but still suck. Look at Charles Barkeley. He’s the God of Hackers. In fact, every hacker has a picture or a wooden carving of Sir Charles with his amputated half swing and retarded follow through in his golf bag.

Characteristics: A hacker is anyone who plays more than 110. A semi hacker can be a guy who can’t break 100. Either way, these guys are charting their way through the golf world and they need good mentors, friends, and people to encourage them. After all, we were all once hackers. A hacker is generally very positive about golf, even though he’s found digging his own grave in the sand bunker or 6 putting from 6 feet…because a negative hacker will drop out of the game in a second. Hackers do not usually have a good grasp of their own skills, and always think they can easily hit the ball 250 meters and carve a sharp draw to land softly onto the green and spin back. When that obviously does not occur, they shake their heads and try again. And again. And again. The learning curve of hackers is severely limited by his extremely vivid imagination of playing like the black guy who has a hot wife, but goes for old looking pornstars.

There’s also a sub-species of negative hacker. These are guys who have been playing lousy golf for so long, they have lost their lustre and pride for the game. They are still hackers, but they are very depressed because they suck and they don’t know how to improve, or how to stop the game. It’s quite rare, but I’ve seen people who play week in and week out, horrendous golf and they keep saying, “I HATE this game! GOLF is stupid! I am going to quit!!!” But they are still there, for some weird reason, unable to stop playing the game that causes them so much pain: like a loveless marriage, or a plastic surgery gone wrong. Beware of the Negative Hacker. They are the only known species that will depress the Joker, so imagine what he will do to you!

What to do if you have one in your flight: Treasure the hacker because they carry the future of golf on their shoulder. They can be golf’s biggest supporter, especially if they are encouraged and given the proper training. Never destroy their spirit. Give tips at the right time (please do not be a cock-talker) but otherwise, let them enjoy the game, for all the pain and sorrows it brings, and the joy of hitting their first straight drive, or sinking a long putt.  The best is to pair them up with a Teacher, or a Joker; never a Cock-Talker, never another Negative Hacker. You need to manage them though. Teach them the rules, the ethics. Especially if they are playing so slow, or end up looking for their RM1 ball like they are diamonds. Give them the ground rules: Keep up and we will all have fun. Nobody likes a hacker who takes his hacking so seriously that we have 20 flights piled up behind waiting for him to finally hit the darn ball. This includes hackers who take 45 seconds from address to actually hit a ball. I know one personally, and his personal best was one minute before he hit. He took 3 practice swings of practice swings! He’s practice swinging his practice swing!! WHAT?!? We managed to hurry him up by threatening to run our buggy over his balls. Not his golf balls.

What to do if you are a Hacker: If you are a hacker, the best advice is to keep up. Most golfers don’t mind if you suck, because they also suck now and then. It’s only when you suck and play golf like you’re playing for the Masters tournament. There are hackers who read putts like Jim Furyk (darn slow), but when asked why they hold the putter in front of them (plumbing), they have NO IDEA. They also don’t know why they squat here and there, because if you’re  hacker, listen: THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE, JUST HIT THE DANG BALL, YOU IDIOT. Everyone hates a hacker who thinks he’s a Player. Other than that, if you are a Negative Hacker, do the world a favor and hide your head in the first toilet you find…you’re done with the game. Golf doesn’t need people who hate the game, we have enough haters already who says Golf is not a sport.

Otherwise, for the Hacker, welcome to the wonderful world of Golf and may your stay here be filled with birdies and eagles!

9. The Cheat

The Cheat represents the lowest of the lowest scum of the darkside golf hierarchy. Unlike the doctors, who are masters of adjusting their scores; or the buayas who tries to adjust their scores, or even the cock-talker who destroys hackers with his incessant babbling: the cheater does what none of these darkside species do.

They cheat.

What does cheating comprise of? It means the intentional breaking of golf rules without anyone knowing or watching. It means that all self governance is out of the window. It means that golf has ceased being golf and has become what football is fast becoming, with all the diving and acting: a sport with such low moral integrity, it requires a referee to smack their cheating arses and constantly police them.

Golf is for adults. Adults who, despite their other shenanigans on the course, would not resort to such low level, blatant disregard of golf rules. Face it, 99% of us ‘cheat’ in some ways, mostly high level pyschoing, or coughing on people’s backswing, or conveniently giving a wrong read to opponents like saying, “Wah, greens darn fast today” when it’s obvious it’s as slow as my grandma running a 100 meter dash. Without her walking stick.

But The Cheat? They are low level cheaters. Beware.

Characteristics: The Cheat basically does a few things suspicious. For instance, if he can always find his ball even when the entire planet has watched his ball sail three miles into the jungle. And he’s always the first guy running to his ball: this is a symptom, when he says, “No need to help me look for ball, sure can find!” and he ALWAYS does. And his ball is always nicely perched on the rough with a clear sight to the green! WHAT THE HE*L?? Or when he always runs to the ball before anyone can catch up with him.

Another method is he would hit a provision always to the general direction of his first OB ball, and when he finds his second, he declares the first. Always get the suspicious cheat to declare his ball, the brand, the number, and if possible, snap a photo of it, or sign your name on it. He’ll be pissed, but hey, he’s a suspect cheat.

Another method is that they are always first to the green. And magically, he places his marker 5 feet closer to the hole and no one can contest against it.

Another method is the convenient drop, where he will be looking for ball near the hazard and he’ll drop another ball and says, “WAH SO LUCKY ONE!”

There are a lot more ways to cheat that we obviously cannot cover, but you get the gist of it.

What to do if you have one in your flight: If anyone is showing symptoms described above, the best option is to take the spare sniper rifle out of your golf bag and take a dead aim at him. Take him down, and bury him in one of the bunkers on the 15th or 16th hole, where no one will ever find him.

But legally, without committing a crime, you probably want to confront him, give him a chance of redemption and if he continues journeying the path of the dark side (which he likely will, as it is obsessive and compulsive), your best bet is to tell him politely that if he doesn’t beat it, you and your pals will take out your 7-irons and deliver him to his Maker. Oh wait, that’s illegal as well….ah well.

What to do if you are a Cheater: Is there hope still? Yes there is, but you need to stop it. It’s like crack addiction. Cheating in golf is addictive because every little thing can be compromised. A bad lie in the rough. A bad lie in the sand. A divot in the fairway etc. The term play as it lies is applicable to golf, not how you deal with your mistresses. Learn the rules, and move away from the dark side. Before you are murdered and your body gets dumped into an unknown grave on the 15th hole.

10. The Gambler

The Gambler is quite a common species in the golf ecology. Simply put, these are the ones who always need to have something on stake before playing. Within the gambler species are sub-species, mainly, Bigtime Gambler, Medium Size Gambler or Play-Play Only (PPO) Gambler. The Bigtime Gambler is pretty rare from most of the hacker’s perspective, as they tend to drift along the upper strata of society and play in courses like RSGC, KLGCC, KGNS, and play for nothing less than 3 digits per hole. Some even go for four. These are mainly people with special titles in front of their names and drives big Mercedes and BMWs.  The Medium Size Gambler is more of the common hoods who ply their trade in courses like Bukit Jalil, Rahman Putra and some lower tiered golf courses. They generally don’t play anything above 3 digits per hole, but they are still ultra competitive. Finally, the PPO Gambler are the jokers who think playing RM1 per hole constitutes gambling. There are a lot of golfers out there who thinks their wager of RM1 is equivalent to winning the British Open.

Characteristics: This is a species that generally will flock together. It’s rare to find a Bigtime hanging around with a PPO, but generally the Gambler species have the same characteristic: They are driven by a wager. Everything requires a wager. The golf game. The par 3. The longest drive. Last hole, double up; fringes etc. They can spout a trillion permutations of betting games for golf and yet, not bother to remember how to drop the ball from the hazard.

Some are Gamblers even without knowing it. For instance, without a wager, he continues to play without complaining but somehow manages to play like a Borneo Chimp high on marijuana…i.e VERY POORLY. But once someone say, “Eh, we bet drinks on this hole” He suddenly strikes the ball like Ernie Els. It might be subconscious, as their psyche responds to a materialistic goal driven initiative.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Gamblers are actually a fun bunch, but only if you get them to flock together. Intra-species are deadly to each other, for instance, it’s not uncommon for a Bigtime Gambler to attack a PPO Gambler with a hammer for misunderstanding that “3 for game” means RM3000 for the game, and not RM3 for the game. So make sure they don’t mix. Otherwise, it’s entertaining to be amused at how many golf betting games are there and the gambler can allow you to choose which type you want to play. They are extremely focus when there’s a wager, so make sure you partner with a gambler when the bet is on the table.

What to do if you are a Gambler: Hey, it’s no problem being the Gambler. But do be conscious of others. If you are a Bigtime, there are PPO out there that don’t want to take money out of their children’s education over one stupid Saturday game. Likewise, if you are PPO gambler, don’t waste the bigtime’s time, ok. Find a slot that everyone is comfortable, and everyone is ok with the wager and go for it. Also, if someone doesn’t feel like betting, and the majority doesn’t feel like betting, then you know, either go somewhere else to play or shut up and just play golf for the fun of the game. Get used to the habit of not wagering on anything and motivate yourself with scoring good scores, instead of getting money. You might enjoy the game more.

Coming up: The Last section on the species of Golfers: The Joker and the Hacker!

As an SSGLinks member, I am obviously privy to some of their marketing information, so I’ll publish it here for Gilagolfers’ consumption. If you have any stuff on the other card membership that you think would be better, feel free to let me know and let’s see which is the better one.

SSGLinks gave me an interesting calculation on how they can help us save money yearly by joining them (so we can use that saved money to buy needless golf clubs and gadgets). Assuming we play 3 times on weekends and 3 times on weekdays a month on certain golf courses (that’s six times a month, which many of us probably don’t, unless you’re doing something your boss doesn’t know about, and having many meetings with Mr. Par Bir Die company.

So there’s a savings there of about 2k or thereabouts. I’m sure other cards have their plus points and calculations as well so it’s a matter of which one you think is the most comfortable one.

The courses listed here are mainly in the Not Too Shabby or Must Play List on gilagolf, so at least we don’t have those freaking disasters like Bukit Unggul and slimy Berjaya courses.

They currently have 40 clubs, including A’Famosa, ORNA, Era,Gunung Raya and Genting Permaipura. We’ve only hacked 2 out of those, so hopefully we’ll be able to hack more.

Here’s SSG Deails

Tel: 03-78439512/13

Web: http://www.ssglinks.com.my/clubs_affiliated.html

Happy Hacking!

7. The Driver

Of all species of golfers, this is perhaps the most over-rated. The Driver is someone who spends 99.99% of his practice time slamming golf balls into oblivion. He can really, really DRIVE. But due to the retarded short game and ineffectual putting stroke, he continues to languish in the hell called mid-handicap. If he can work out his short game and recovery, the Driver can easily ascend to the pantheon of Players, or on the dark side, the Buayas and Doctors.

Characteristics: The Driver’s average drive is about 260 – 280 meters….not necessarily on the fairway. He just goes extremely long due to his entire devotion to the long drive. His set up usually resembles a lumberjack ready to swing a 20 pound axe into the tree…left hand stiffed, right elbow crooked, ball teed up six inches from the ground, and set on the outer left side of his left foot. He usually wears a grimace, and is prone to grunting, as if giving birth to a beluga whale. My personal experience with Drivers are that they are quite affable creatures….prone to jokes, and especially inclined to the ‘Jug of beer if can’t go past ladies tee’ rule, since it does not apply to them. They are usually Jokers as well, due to the fact that they usually start the hole pretty satisfied with their long drives, knowing they can doze off in the buggy while waiting for the short hitting wanker in their group to catch up. But their weakness is their mental toughness. They find it hard to focus on the other parts of the game that does not include ripping the ball to shreds. It’s like asking the Terminator to change his weapon from a 300-rounds per second chaingun to a rubber band with a folded piece of paper. And once they flunk out on their second or third shot, they usually play like clowns because they can’t wait to get to the next tee box again.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Do NOT be intimidated by the Driver. They are prone to messing up their short games and usually do not have mental toughness to recover, because they know that the last time they practiced their short game was when they first started golf, and their short game skills still remain the same. These guys have the mental toughness of a jellybean, so all you need to say is, “Wah, lots of bunkers there. Don’t hit it there, yeah”, and they will collapse like a house of cards being sat on by Roseanne Barr. It’s usually fun to have a Driver in the group so that the group in front will hurry on and play, and also to observe the physical contortions and agony that the Driver goes through to slam his ball 100 meters past yours. You need to be careful when partnering with a Driver, especially if you’re gambling. Due to his pessimistic nature and his impatience to get to the next tee box, you’re likely going to suffer, when the initial joy of watching him hit 300 meters down to the fairway is washed away with his 6th shot to get out of the bunker. You need to manage your Driver, encourage him, and nurture him into the great player he can be.

What to do if you are a Driver: For the sake of goodness and gracious, practice your darn short game, you lazy monkey! Many people would kill to be able to drive the way you do, but that talent is wasted when you don’t have any other game aside from that. Once the short game catches up, you will even give the Player a run. And stop being pessimistic about every other shot aside from your driver, golf is played out of many other strokes aside from blasting it down the fairway!!

8. The Grinder

The Grinder is the almost complete opposite from the Driver. He’s the guy with the shorter drive, the guy that tees up with a 3 wood to play positions because he can’t hit it long enough or his drive is not so straight. He focuses on the short game, and while his drive might not be 100%, The Grinder is a master escape artist. He spends 99.99% of his time in the trees, in the bunkers, on the fringe of the green etc. He’s the master of pitch-1-putt, means he almost always never lands on regulation on the green but he would chip it on and one putt for par. The Grinder’s mental game is as strong as Michael Jordan shooting the last shot of the game; it’s as tough as Tiger Woods without the sex, and usually wields a mean putter.

Characteristics: Grinders are one of the best people to play with. They aren’t usually as jovial or as idiotic as the Driver, because their drives are usually not so good. You hardly see a Grinder, due to the fact that he’s spending most his time in communion with Nature, in the woods, in the water, in the sand, everywhere. You’ll see them come onto the green, or watch his ball roll to 3 feet from the hole and him appearing magically from the trees for a tap-in par. Their attitude is always positive….because they seem to play better when they are in trouble. They never say die, they will always grind and grind and grind, even if it’s for double bogey, they will try to save it. In fact, they utilise every single part of the course the most. They are extremely calm, and you hardly see them tomahawk the club into the ground out of frustration, or yell something bad about your mother when their ball goes into oblivion.

What to do if you have one in your flight: They are very good people to learn from, because Golf is always reflective of life. When someone is so stubborn that he never gives up, and always looks to the better side of things, he’s usually a solid work partner as well. He understands that in life, as in golf, will throw you in the woods and bunker now and then and you need to grind your way out. So the Grinder is possibly the only species that can not just teach you short game and recovery, he is likely pretty wise on the things of the world as well, and welcomes adversity like his only son. He’s a great partner to have, because he’s dependable, and his shenanigans on the course to recover from impossible situations will usually throw off the opposition so much that they will be playing defensive golf all the way. The Grinder is a great psycho guy to have in your team…but just don’t expect to be talking to him that much since he’s away most of the time.

What to do if you are a Grinder: Ridiculous as it may sound, nobody is more suited for the Grinder, than a Driver. They go hand in hand, like Tweedledee and Tweedledum. The Grinder’s optimism offers the counterbalance to The Driver’s morose look at golf; while the Driver’s initial long drive takes away the pressure to have a good drive from the Grinder. So if you are a Grinder, keep doing what you’re doing, because you are one of the endangered species of Golf. BE WARY, that in your Grinding, you do not fall into becoming the Cheater, because golf is about self governance and the best grinders are the honest ones.

Yes, I know the GPE crapped out again.

But we got the following right:

1) Westwood sucks.I rest my case. This guy will never be able to get the Masters. I’d put my money on fancy pants Poulter to be the Brit to win the masters.

2) Tiger got distracted by a pornstar. Like seriously, if not do you think he would have driven like a roast duck injected with insulin?

3) Hunter beats Ricky Barnes. I don’t think many people know their history. They were amateur rivals in the 2003 US Amateur, when Barnes beat Hunter 2 & 1 in their matchplay. After that, Barnes went south and Mahan became one of the coolest cat in the PGA Tour. He’s like a young David Duval, that’s why we support him, and we hate Barnes.

4) Anthony Kim rocks. I know he’s not Chinese, and he talks like a gwai-lo, but his face is seriously, super China-pek. That’s why we like him. To look like a China-pek and shoot 65 in Augusta is to give hope to many of us. We don’t need to look good for success. Go, China-pek!

5) For a while, GPE’s pick was chugging great for the first 12 holes of KJ’s adventure. He was -12 and one stroke back. Then came the stupid bogey on 13, where he birdied every single day! WHY???? What is going on behind that blank look of yours???

So at the end, Phil wins it by playing the most steady round. 4 birdies on the back nine did him a huge favor but he already had the game in the bag when he saved a par on 17th with a 6 footer and hold a 2 shot going into the last. He could have closed it on the 15th, when he hit a RIDICULOUS second shot behind a tree to a par 5 green and landing it 6 feet from the hole. He missed his eagle, but pyschologically, Westwood, who has a mental game of a chipmunk, has already unravelled. Game over.

The most fun part was watching Tiger. No, not for the two eagles he had (the first one on the par 4 7th is simply annoyingly lucky)…but because we can now HONESTLY say we swing like Tiger Woods.

He hooked his first drive. Just like me.

He submarined a few of his drives.

He duck hooked.

He hacked around like he was strangling a telephone pole.

He had a swing like Jim Furyk without the results.

Was it fun to watch a god become mortal? The sex scandal was boring. To see him struggle with his game the same way we all struggled…aaah. Of course, we are shooting 110, but who cares?? It’s the form that counts!

We all know Tiger is going to be Tiger and simply murder everyone on the course the next time he tees up. But, hackers and fellow gilagolfers, be at peace: WE ALL SWING LIKE TIGER!

So anyways, this is the first golf tournament I am actually staying up to watch, simply because of the guy in the red shirt, being in contention in the final day, looking as if he has never been away and looking in fine shape, as opposed to the lumbering marshmallow man, Phil Mickleson. Is it me, or did that dude piled up a couple of tons lately??

Here’s our GPE!

1. Lee Westwood

We have always been unkind to Lee, saying he’s a choker and unable to close any match, even if he’s leading by 50 strokes. He’s the master of self sabotaging, and….yes, we look for that saboteur trend to continue. Predict that he will play like a constipated emu in the first few holes and wind up losing the tournament.

2. Phil Mickleson

Phil is not a particular favourite to Gilagolfers and here’s why: 18th hole, lying off the slope in 3, with little green to work with, and he flops a magnificent 64 degree up in the air like a chapati and landed softly to 4 feet for a par-save. If we even attempt to do that, we’ll wind up skulling the ball and murdering our caddy. So, yeah, thanks Phil for making us all feel like we should give up golf and become Alam Flora workers instead. As much as we don’t like him, I must say he’s looking in great shape. His golf, that is. He physically still looks like a pregnant man. Contend, but end up short!

3. Tiger Woods

Need I say more? This guy is focused on golf for the first time in his life instead of thinking about having sex with a random blonde in the gallery. And it shows. He had a supreme shot yesterday on the 18th for a birdie, and he’s carrying momentum. He’s still rusty though, especially his driver, but he’s Tiger. Yet…he will fall short, because someone resembling that pornstar woman will be distracting him from the gallery with a sign “Tiger is the father of my kids!!”

4. KJ Choi

KJ, KJ. We love his stoic moodiness when he plays, as if cracking a smile would completely disintegrate his entire face. He lost the chance for glory when YE Yang pipped him to become not just the first Asian to win a major, but the first Korean! KJ is pissed, trust me. The statue of him gripping his fat grip putter located in the Southern Hills of Keng-Jwo where korean golfers ply their pilgrimage to every year, has been replaced by YE, and his screaming face when he won the PGA. When KJ is pissed, he’s going to go all the way. Because he’s Asian, and he’s as emotional as the stone pillars outside your house, here’s to KJ, and the second Asian Major win, two in a row.  WIN ONE FOR GILAGOLF!! WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU!!!!!!

5. Freddy, Ricky Barnes, Ian Poulter, Hunter Mahan

Between this four, I am putting in my money for Hunter. This guy is a solid ball striker and he’s the coolest dude around. Also, he and Barnes go back long ways. It’s too bad they are not playing together but like always my bet is always on Hunter. With a name like that, how not to win?

6. YE Yang and Anthony Kim

These are two dark horses. I doubt YE is going to make too much of an impression. He’s already feeling the heat from the Korean KGB for taking the glory from the true golf deity of eastern culture KJ. I predict YE will throw away the game. As for Anthony, he’s fast becoming a favorite because he has a belt buckle as big as the Mercedes Benz C class sign. I don’t think he can cover enough to win it, unles the leaders fall back, but hey, Anthony, you are all time favourite, next to that piece of trash David Duval, who had us rooting for him so much, he was jinxed into playing like a baboon trying to do algebra.

OK, KJ, let’s get this darn Trophy and win it for all ASIA! Korea Boleh!!

This species is becoming more and more common in the golfing ecosystem, thanks to Tiger Woods changing the face of golf by winning 14 majors and sleeping with 14 women. A golfer turned from clowns wearing plaid pants and dressed like a bunch of yahoos like Jesper Parnevik to cool, methodical, ultra competitive, libido enhancing warlords like Tiger Woods, introducing the game to a whole generation of corporate cats who want to get forward in the rat race by polishing their bosses golf shoes.

Characteristics: The Slut is a not a real golfer by any stretch, but usually young, ultra kiasu executives who thinks golf is ‘good for business’ and takes up the game for ulterior motives. They usually dress very professionally, oftentimes in Red, or bright colours to have an illusion of confidence, and take more time preening their hair and face than working on their swing. They also would have the latest golf clubs and gadgets and look as if they are sponsored by Taylormade or Titleist. The Slut usually will showoff his imaginary swing either at work or strategically in front of key customers or bosses, to show that he also plays golf and deserves to be in the exclusive clique. He talks a bit about golf as well, but usually avoids playing with people who cannot help him in his corporate ascension, so will always turn down this group he considers losers, such as people who write golf blogs. On the other hand, he will sleep with anyone who can make him get ahead of the rat race, hence the Slut. He will also party, booze and do everything his boss tells him, including stripping to his underwear in front of the clubhouse and squawking like a turkey. He might even be a reasonable player, but due to the wrong approach in his game, he never becomes anywhere close to good.

What to do if you have one in your flight: This specimen of golfers is usually harmless, the only annoying habit is that they might sometimes talk about things they don’t quite know, such as, “Wow, that’s a good hook,” when you pure a drive a slight draw, or “Wow, can you teach me that great shot?” When you slice the ball into oblivion. They might also be oblivious to golfing etiquette, such as not talking on a backswing, or playing ahead, or stepping on your putt line, or taking out the flag when you’re chipping, or not cleaning divots and pitchmarks or raking bunkers. This is because Sluts don’t bother to learn the game, so they don’t know what is good or not good to do. They might also throw their clubs here and there to express frustration because they have seen Tiger Woods doing it.  They also have no idea who other golfers are, or what majors are, or anything else, aside from Tiger Woods, because that’s what their bosses talk about.  Sluts are known as Golf Bimbos, in a sense, so you do need have patience dealing with them. A Slut can be converted to be a Hacker if done properly, but due to most of them having attention deficit disorder (ADD), don’t bet on a slut to be passionate about golf once he changes job, or have a boss who doesn’t play. He’ll sleep anywhere, with any game, hence…The Slut.

What to do if you are a Slut: Recognise it. Admit you are a slut and you are only in golf because you want to look good in front of bosses and you have the backbone of a jellyfish. Once that is done, try to move forward and truly give this game a chance. Play it without any ulterior motives. Play it for the love of the game. Play it for the frustration, for the pain, for the joy. Spend lonely hours on the range to work on your skills instead of quickly reading the latest golf news in google so you can small talk with the corporate bigwigs. Once you embrace Golf, you have become a Hacker, or a Grinder, or any of the more respectable classes of golfers. You won’t turn back once you are hooked on the game, that’s a guarantee.

6. The Official

This is also a common species, and depending on how you view it, can be beneficial or absolutely disruptive to your game. The Official is the refree, he knows the rules inside out, he carries a rule book with him, he drops correctly, counts correctly and is absolutely anal about the integrity of the game. He is the Judge and Executioner rolled in one.

Characteristics: The official is usually a respectable player, and an experienced player. He could be the old veteran in your foursome, the one who doesn’t drive very long and hardly gets into trouble. Because his game is so darn boring (fairway, fairway, chip, putt), he turns his attention to the other gilagolfers and clowns hacking up the course, and releases his full anal power on them. He will catch the slightest infringement, most common, is how a person penalty drop from a hazard. There is no such thing as a ‘Mulligan’ or a ‘Free Lift’ or anything that’s not in the Rule Book. Whether you are betting or not is irrelevant, the whole game is governed by rules. Some officials are so anal that they will disallow the famous but illegal OB drop (i.e 2 penalty stroke if you can’t find your ball instead of driving back to the tee box for re-tee). He will insist on you going all the way back or quit the hole. As long as you hit a ball that cannot be seen, either into the jungle, or around a dogleg, he will tell you to hit a provision…just in case.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Having an official in your flight can be an energy sapping experience, because everything is scrutinised, and this takes away alot of the fun in golf. The greatest combustion is to pair The Official up with The Slut and you can watch fireworks fly, because The Slut is the bimbo, the Official is the sage. On the flip side, if you are truly dedicated to the game, or you want to learn more on how tournaments are played, having an official in your foursome is invaluable and can even train you to win tournaments. No putts are given, all drops are correct, every part of the game is correctly done. If used correctly, The Official can be a powerful ally.

What to do if you are an Official: First, you need to know yourself. If you play in a normal Saturday foursome, set out an expectations. Say, “Look guys, do you want to play by proper rules?” and if they say yes, you become their official and walk them through the one million rules in golf. If they say no, well, either you leave them and find another group, or compromise on your anality and play along and have fun. You don’t have to follow everything to the book all the time. But chances are if you are an Official and you have a group of Gamblers, they will welcome your input. So choose your partners properly and everyone will have fun during the round.

4. The Teacher

The Teacher is usually a reasonably good golfer but might not appeal to everyone, depending on how you view it, how you like being taught and the time that he chooses to do his teaching. One of the golden rules of golf should always be,“Never teach unless solicited”. The Teacher mostly abides by this rule (when he doesn’t, he’s likely a Cock-Talker pretending to be a teacher) and understands the intricacies of golf instruction and does not go blabbing to everyone on what he thinks is the swing fault. The Teacher is a good observer of the game and can give extremely good tips during or after a round, that when received with the right spirit, can drive your game to a whole new level.

Characteristics: The Teacher is a committed student of the game and a very astute, patient and compassionate golfer. You need to be, when dealing with a hacker whose swing resembles a baboon trying to mate with a jellyfish. The teacher does not only teaches on the course, in fact, most genuine teachers prefer to head over to the range with the student, as opposed to screwing up a screwed up swing on the course and cause bodily harm to everyone involved. He can be found studying everyone’s swing, and when asked for comment, he would wisely say, “Hmmm. Just a few things here and there, we can try to work it out later on the range.” And he would follow up with that offer and might even take a video and do an analysis for you, for free, simply because he is compassionate. He doesn’t need to be extremely good, since a good teacher might not necessarily be a great golfer, but he understands all the fundamentals and is a devoted student to the history of the game of golf.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Savor it. Teachers are one of the RAREST species of golf available. 99% of this species is gone, and in their place, you have the extremely annoying Cock-Talker. If you do find a Teacher in your group, probe him (not literally, of course, jeez) for his insights. Most teachers are like Yoda, they speak in reverse. So when they say, “Go range, you must. Crooked your swing is, better I make it become,” you better cancel that nice romantic dinner with your wife and spend it with Yoda. Trust me, it’s worth the 3 weeks of no food and non-ironed shirts you will endure as a punishment for that cancellation.

What to do if you are a Teacher: If you truly are one of these rare souls, then find a golfer with the right characteristic: A Hacker-Joker-Grinder is a good combination for you and TEACH! You need to evangelise the game of golf and teach properly and with proper understanding, or else our beautiful game will be completely polluted by the narcissistic Cock-Talkers.

5. The Cock-Talker

Talking cock is a Malaysian slang for talking nonsense. It’s not a profanity, contrary to many mother’s beliefs, but a complete expression of the more genteel ‘Cock and Bull’ from the the Queen’s English. The West took the ‘Bull’ and the creative Malaysians took the ‘Cock’ portion. Hence, the Cock-Talker class of golfers is also known as Bull-Shitters in the west. They should never be confused with The Teacher species, because the cock-talker is only great at one thing: Talking Cock. This equates to breaking the golden rule of not teaching unless solicited. You see, Cock-Talkers have no regard or respect for the game of golf, they just enjoy squawking about what hackers are doing wrong and how they should solve their problem.

Characteristics: Cock-Talkers are usually reasonable players, but their attitude to teaching is wrong. While a teacher is patient, cock-talkers usually shoots out some inane observation in the middle of the round to you, like “You swing too fast lah, why not slow down?” When the poor hacker slows down and nudges the ball 5 feet forward, the Cock-Talker shakes his head and say, “You look up.” And when the hacker misses the ball and continues to stare down at the inanimate ball, Cock-Talker says, “Your body is too stiff.” This occurs until the hacker will literally give up playing, curl up in a fetus position on the 14th teebox and cry for mommy. The Cock-Talker enjoys these moments of superiority because they love putting hackers down. They crave for blood from beginners.

What to do if you have one in your flight: It’s easy to see a Cock-Talker. He always love to trumpet his advice to everyone. He has a comment for everything, and a so-called fix. Alas, if you are stupid enough to listen to a Cock-Talker, your game will become worse. The Mega Cock-Talker is the worst. It’s a Cock-Talker that actually plays worse than you. I’ve seen it before. This dude who is spraying his balls all over the place like pissing in the morning, actually tells me, “You are looking up. See, this is what I do…blah blah.” Now, when you blast that ball down the fairway, the Mega Cock-Talker will nod in satisfaction and say, “See, that’s all you need to do.” as if your entire golfing life and your future generations must pay homage to him for his advice. If you screw it up, he will shake his head, saying, “See, you didn’t implement what I said…” When the Mega Cock-Talker sprays his shot, and you offer him advice, he would say, “No, no, I just lost balance.” If there is one in your flight, you can either a) Tolerate the cock-talker and not listen to a word he says, b) challenge him back and offer him your advice when he screws up, and do the same, hence proceeding to a ‘Talk-Cock-Fight’ or c) Endure the round and when it is over, shake his hands and never ever recognise his face ever again, unless he is 5 feet away from you, and you happen to have an AK-47 in your hands. You should gun him down as quickly as possible and save the world.

What to do if you are a Cock-Talker: A Cock-Talker is worse than a Buaya. Nobody enjoys playing with you, because you don’t want to teach, you just want to comment. Everything also comment, down to the balls we use. You talk about spinning the ball, slicing the ball, curling the ball etc…aiyaaa, don’t Talk Cock la. If you are a Mega Cock-Talker, it’s even worse. First the reason why you suck is that you are busy commenting about other people’s game and swings. NEVER offer unsolicited advice to people who regularly beat your a$$ every week! My advice to this species: Shut up and play and keep your comments to yourself.