I seriously cannot get a grip of my swing, having sat out since, probably approaching two months. The dirt in my golf club has transformed into plants and sprouting flowers.

Instead, I have watched the world go by: First, Juventus, my beloved Bianconeri, win their 30th Scudetto (make no mistake, those 2 taken from us from Inter was robbery), and Allesandro Del Piero probably playing his last game this Sunday at the Coppa Italia; watching the ridiculous game between City and QPR…if I was a betting man, I’d be having a heart attack (could the match be possibly fixed??)

And then there’s Tiger.

I think we can safely say now that the era of Tiger Woods is officially kaput. It’s not to say that he won’t win again, he will, but he’ll win it like any other golfer out there. Gilagolf has always been about Tiger Woods all the way: not because he’s a great guy in golf, it’s because he’s the ONLY guy in golf. It’s going to be hard to root for anyone but him.

It’s depressing enough not to play golf, but to see the guy who inspired you and the rest of a generation to pick up this stupid game play like a hack: that’s doubly depressing. Tiger must be really cheered up by these facts:

1) He’s playing at the Greenbrier classic for the first time. Read it. GreenBrier. And this golf tournament will have more turnout this week than all of its 60 year history combined. I don’t know, it’s just a downer when all these years, Tiger’s been saying, “I simply am not going to waste my gold-minted minutes on loser tournaments like Frys and GreenBrier simply because they sound stupid. Or sound like food and drinks.”

2) His mistress got tapped. And knocked up. Rachel Uchitel is getting a baby girl. So much for rumors that she and Tiger will ride off into the sunset after Elin runs off with his billions.

3) Speaking of Elin, she just broke off with her boyfriend. I think because he once tapped Rachel Uchitel. I mean, what is she gonna do to get this B*tch out of her life??? Elin being so hot, I don’t think she’ll have a problem getting hitched again though. I mean, look at her! Go Elin, Daughter of the Vikings!

Really, More of Tiger doesn’t mean it’s good. The reason why Tiger was such a hot commodity was that he was a stuffy, fussy pr*ck who did what he wanted and was bigger than the PGA tour. Seeing him like this, as a more common PGA tour member really suck. Golf will never be the same again.

Well, at least Juventus didn’t fail me. FORZA JUVE!!

But what caught the viewers attention was not so much of the big swinging pink driver player winning his first green, ugly jacket, but the shenanigans of Tiger Woods’ soccer kicking his 9 iron on the 16th after a bad shot.He got flamed for that. But seriously, why all the fuss?

Golfers have themselves to blame for every bad shot they make. Unlike football, tennis, basketball, squash, badminton, snooker…heck every game, even freaking Scrabble and Chess….your opponent would do something to you that would influence how you play your game. Golf is the only known game in the history of mankind where you are playing your own ball, with your own consequences of your own decision. Plus, you don’t have a shot clock…you are freaking standing over your ball for 30 seconds and you still can’t make a decent shot? Of course people would go ballistic!

Golf temper is part of the game. We won’t be human unless we go crazy now and then. The trick here is not when, or where…it is HOW. Here’s a list of how to professionally go Happy Gilmore over your shot.

1. The Curse

Power rating: 1. Let’s start off with the foul mouthed curse. Usually aimed at the offending ball, the offending club, the offending bird, the offending leaves, and at times, the offending caddie, or the offending best friend. It’s not effective, it just makes you look like a contractor playing the game. Anyone can do it. Even a homeless hobo.

Simplicity: 1. At times, people get creative with their curses and can do transitional curses in multiple language and in one breath. It sounds technical, but still, it’s quite simple once you get the hang of it.

Consequences: 1. You might get strange stares, but that’s about it. Most people don’t like to cross a multiple language cursing golfer with a driver in hand, and blood shot eyes and face as red as a lobster.

2. The Drop Club

Power rating: 2. The Drop Club is an intermediate tantrum technique, and is universally acceptable in all genres of golf. It has a better “power rating”, because many golf pros use this, thus it makes whoever who employs this technique look pretty professional. This is the unhappy cousin of the happier ‘Twirl Club’.

Simplicity: 3. There’s a slight complexity to this. It wouldn’t do to hit the ball, follow through, hold the club, then allow it to drop. That just makes you look stupid. The drop club must be done in one single movement, conveying the all important message that you know you “hit it wrong the moment the clubhead contacted the ball.” Obviously we know that as much as a chimp knows about thermodynamics. But you need to immediately let it go at two positions: Right at the end of your follow through (club dropsbackwards) or after your follow through, when uncoiling, dropping the club forward. Sometimes this technique is accompanied by the “Football Kick”, as demonstrated by Tiger Woods on Friday at Augusta 2012.

Consequences: 2. Generally this is a safe technique, since the ground absorbs the brunt of your fury….and it’s a ‘dropped’ club, so technically it won’t bounce back up to stab you in the artery. We recommend this as the starting tantrum to employ, since if people scold you or the marshal warns you, just tell him, the club slipped out of your hands.

3. The Slam

Power rating: 3. This is a more powerful demonstration of your temper, utilising the head (usually a driver) and slamming it to the ground, scattering pieces of dead bugs all over the place. Sometimes, this is done multiple times, usually to a 4/4 rhythm. This is known as the Multi-Slam technique.

Simplicity: 3. The slam is usually initiated after a bad drive, where on a retarded follow through that threatens every sinew of your already stretched spine, you uncoil from this unnatural stance and bring back your club downwards, slamming the head onto the ground. This is usually accompanied by The Curse.

Consequences: 5. The slam has unusually high consequence, especially when utilised with a graphite shaft driver. Sometimes, due to the ferocity of the slam, the head might loosen or worse, snap off. This can cause injury to self and others around (Like Henrik Stenson), or at severe times, even death (like CSI episode).

4. The Tomahawk

Power rating: 5. This is one of the big guns. Tomahawking is using your entire arm action with the single intent to bury the club (usually an iron’s toe) into the ground as deeply as you can. This is where the term, “Bury the hatchet” is derived from, since most golfers employing this technique are ‘hackers’.

Simplicity: 2. This is a lot easier than the Slam. This is where after hitting a bad iron shot, you turn around to ensure no one is within 10 meters of your explosive range, and using your entire arm and shoulders as if chopping a large piece of wood, you axe down your club with all the power you can muster. By and large, the favourite move of new players.

Consequences: 8. The Tomahawk is usually quite safe, because the iron usually buries deep into the dirt, and the only issue is that you need a crane to extract it out later. However, I’ve witnessed some tomahawks done in deep rough, and honestly this is VERY DANGEROUS. If the tomahawk lands on a root of a tree, broken wrist, bone and untimely death might be the consequences. Please do this with care.

5. The Furious Grass Cutter

Power rating: 6. The furious grass cutter is made famous by Sergio Garcia, when he hit a bad shot on a slope and then proceeded to continuously whack the slope and beat the slope into submission. This is a very potent tantrum and should be employed with care.

Simplicity: 5. This is complex, due to the balance required when you are hacking away at the slope. It must be done with enough ferocity to punish the offending slope, but not so much as to completely lose your balance. Those practicing pilates and yoga will appreciate this and are usually the best people to try this tantrum.

Consequences: 5. It’s a thing of beauty to see a golfer using this move. It’s probably not dangerous, since you’re swiping – not chopping…but if you lose balance, you might tumble back down the slope and end up looking like a true idiot.

6. The Club Snap

Power rating: 7. This is tantrum at its finest. Usually done with a driver, it demonstrates your herculean ability to snap things that displeases you. It’s like when you were a kid and snapping a pencil to show your power. Bad drive. Snap it, because I am strong and filthy rich. It’s a social statement of your immense strength and capacity to purchase more clubs. There is a very powerful variant to the club snap, which is called the Club-beating-the-head. This should NEVER BE DONE BY ANYONE EXCEPT WOODY AUSTIN, whose brains are the size of a peanut, thus allowing to have a very very tough exterior skull, something like Homer Simpson.

Simplicity: 4. It’s quite simple, but requires balance and strength. Just use your thighs as a levarage, and snap your club with both hands.

Consequences: 8. It’s a high risk tantrum, because not only you lose this club, you also might risk injuring your wrist or thighs. Also, if you happen to TRY this and fail, you will be viewed as one of the most idiotic failure golf has ever seen. Better to do some tests first, usually with some spare shafts and rods back home. Again, the variant of the Club Snap, the Club-Beating-The-Head has dire consequences if you are NOT Woody Austin.

7. The Club Fling

Power rating: 7. Like the club snap, this conveys to the world that your clubs are the 100% reason behind why you suck so badly. So throw ‘em away. Buy new ones.

Simplicity: 1. This is a very powerful and simple move in your tantrum arsenal. Just fling the club forward as far as you can. Generally, you should throw your club forward so you can pick it up again on the way to your newly shanked ball.

Consequences: 6. A lot of things can happen when a club flies out of your hands. It could kill a wildlife, like a duck, hence the phrase “Dead Duck” is derived from here. It could maim a spectator or a maintenance worker. It could even cause your club to be lost. Either way, you need to be careful of your surroundings. This is a mandatory precaution for all “OUT OF HANDS” Tantrums maneuvers.

8. The Advanced Club Fling

Power rating: 9. This is by far the most powerful and simplest move you can make. Like the club fling, but with a destination: The WATER. Practitioners of this tantrum arts are well stocked with extra clubs, and well-off enough to sacrifice the club FOREVER. You just throw it away and never look back. The message you send here is, “Forget the past, move on to the future.” It is the singlemost powerful and positive statement one can make in golf.

Simplicity: 1. Find a body of water (not mud, mind you) and fling your useless, treacherous golf club as far as you can into the water! Usually accompanied by the ball as well, especially if you have missed a 1 foot putt to win RM500. Henrik Stenson does this best, when he simply shrugs and chucks the wedge over his shoulder into the pond without even looking at it again. Ultra coolness.

Consequences: 5. The only consequence here is that you lose the club. It usually won’t cause anyone pain since you have been so considerate as to deposit your club into the water.

9. The Hammer of Justice

Power rating: 10. The hammer of Justice is one of the special moves for tantrum throwing. It turns your relatively benign club into a weapon of mass destruction. The HoJ does not seek to destroy the club, like other methods do, but the surrounding environment within striking distance of its bloody rage.

Simplicity: 9. This is NOT simple. HoJ practitioners spend years honing their dark arts. They know which are the items that can be destroyed, and the amount of required strength to destroy it. For instance, Henrik Stenson (again, the Sith Lord of Tantrum arts), decapitated the tee box on the British Open with such accuracy that everyone was at awe at his master skill.

Consequences: 9. Very painful if you attack an Item, like a TREE, with the HoJ move. The club might rebound, snap and break your wrist or murder someone nearby. Always be aware of items, such as tee boxes that are not solid, nearby saplings, underbrush, and golf buggy.

10 The Complete, Psychological Meltdown

Power rating: 10+. This is the worst tantrum, because its a pyschological destruction of everything known to golf. Instead of a sudden flare of temper, this is possibly the most grevious of tempers and should only be done very very selectively, in fear of losing your friends, family members and being outcast as a leper to the society. You can view a whole montage of meltdowns here:

Simplicity: 10. Simply put, your entire mental health is washed away once you use this method. You will 6 putt, laugh at yourself crazily, walk slumped all around, refuse to talk to your friends, drive the buggy maniacally, purposely hit 5 golf balls into the pond or directed at a nearby house overlooking the golf course, chop up divots the size of Brazil and refusing to clean it, build sandcastles in the bunker, play Angry Birds as your friend prepare to drive/ or putt etc. The complexity of it is very high, since this is what we term as “The complete absence of the mind.”.

Consequences: Infinity. Once this happens, your golf career is likely over. You will never play again. It’s a lobotomy of golf. You will be golf’s vilest enemy, cursing this day as you lay at your death bed years from now. You will join one of those environmental hippie groups lobbying for the shutdown of all golf courses and turning it into a green lung. It is not just a retardation of your love for golf, it is the complete and utter devastation of it. It will be replaced by a magnificent, bottomless hatred of everything related to golf, except perhaps the possibility of sexy LPGA girls in short skirts. From here, there is no return, only prayers of existing golfers for one who has succumbed completely to the dark side.

The Comeback Hero. Tiger shot 72, thanks to some seriously retarded golf on the 17th and 18th, but he actually did pretty well not to look like a complete fool on the first and second. His swing still looks a little dodgy though and at times, like the 18th, it almost resembled the mighty duck hook that I have as my normal drive. We’re still rooting for Tiger though, since other alternatives are clearly as interesting as watching reruns of Home Garden Improvement.

The Prodigal Son. Rory. I really really really like this picture of him for two reasons: we don’t get to see his curly pubic head hair, and this stance resembles the normal stance I usually assume after every drive. Still undecided whether to hate or love Rory…he has a great game, for sure, and he is emotional…but at times, he comes off as just plain annoying. Not Sergio Garcia annoying, but enough to put us off. Anyway, he played well to a -1, despite a disastrous double bogey start, which also usually resembles my first hole in every game I play.

The New Colin Montgomerie Villain. Skinny Westwood. Who looks like the actual villain Willem Dafoe in disguise.

Was never a fan of either skinny or fat Lee Westwood for some reason. Maybe because he comes off as a whinny, complaining guy much like his fat predecessor, Monty, who doesn’t seem to wish people well, or not too happy that a punk like Rory is beating the crap out of him everytime. Unfortunately he’s playing really well and now leads at -5. At one point, he had 4 birdies, and barely missed his fifth. Every story needs a villain anyway.

The low-self-esteemed No 1. He truly, remarkably is, Golf’s worst world no. 1. The PGA management must be flabbergasted at how a guy like this who only wins small tournament and again, resembles an overturned crab in terms of charisma would be the poster boy for best player in the world. No majors. World Number 1. My theory is that Luke wishes he wasn’t world number 1, because whenever he goes into a tournament as World No. 1, he immediately starts hacking like a nut. As in, he knows himself it’s such a stupid position to be when you haven’t done anything. True to form, he went out there to purposely sabotage his game and ended with a 75. He almost got away trying to disqualify himself by smudging a score to reflect 73, but PGA officials blamed it on the fax machine, and unhappily, Luke Donald has to play on. Watch for more of this self-saboteur in the coming rounds.

The Stripper-Hacker-Golfer-With-A-Girl-As-A-Caddy. Henrik Stenson is unique is some ways. Aside from this horrifying picture of him in his undies, he’s also famous for forcing a woman to lug his bag around for him for 7KM every round. Many people conclude that he’s probably on the queer side, but who cares. I like this guy because he is probably the only person in the PGA tour that actually plays like us, on some holes. As in, he simply meltsdown.

18th hole, Augusta 2012. He shot an 8. I couldn’t get a video online yet, but here’s what happened from my viewing:

1) Snap hook a 3 wood into the woods on the left. Resemblance to myself: 100%

2) Duff his punch out and ended up in heavy pinestraws and not even out of the thick stuff. Resemblance to myself: 100%

3) Complain to official that he wants a free drop and is flat out refused because official doesn’t like the picture of him naked, although he vehemently shouts that he’s not going to strip, for crying out loud, because there’s no water hazard. Official doesn’t believe it and rathers play it safe. Resemblance to myself: 0% (just play it, Henrik and stop whining like skinny Villain!)

4) Due to his argument with official, and the fact that he still has his clothes on, he tops his shot 20 meters that skitters to the right. He stopped himself from tomahawking his club into the ground, turns around, and in a split second, decides to REALLY tomahawk it. Resemblance to myself: 100%

5) The official and commentators TSK TSK, and says, “Don’t do that in Augusta, naked Swedish man.” At this point, he screams that he’s not naked and was he eating crazy pills. Resemblance to myself: 0% ( I have no confidence playing golf naked).

6) He hits his 4th and simply airmails the green because he was already so pissed off. He immediately berates his caddy. Resemblance to myself: 50% (I’d airmail it too, but I wouldn’t berate my caddy…since usually I don’t have one. I’d choose to tomahawk my club again).

7) He clears everyone behind the green and rudely shuffles one clueless idiot who continues to sit there staring blankly at him. With three thousand eyeballs on him, he simply duffs his chip and doesn’t even reach the green. Resemblance to myself: 100%

He now putts from the fringe and it goes to about 2 feet from the hole. He misses his putt from 2 feet and finally settled in for 8, quadruple bogey. Resemblance to myself: 100%

And here’s the wonderful fact about Henrik…he is REALLY A HACKER who happens to be a PGA tour.

He was dead last in Augusta last year with an 83-74 score. This includes a QUINTUPLE BOGEY (8) for par 3 fourth and triple bogey on the 11th. His score in 2010? 80-75 and also miss cut with 5 bogeys and 3 double bogeys in round one. He truly suck. And that’s why we need to keep an eye out for him, because he’s our rep this year in the great fraternity of hackers.

On to day 2!!!

If this happened to a PGA tour professional, I would revile that guy and condemn him to everlasting hacker folklore gleefully, delighting in the schadenfreude of the moment.

But if this happened to an LPGA professional (yes, even Michelle Wie), I would shake my head in disbelief and share an outpouring of grief at the absolute, complete, utter destruction of her self-esteem and possibly, her career.

Here’s a video of her being commented by a bunch of white blokes who obviously know as much about golf as I know about the history of fermented camel crap. And they still make fun of poor IK Kim at the end, oblivious that she could very well hire her South Korean assassins to yank out their intestines and tie it around their smug, pale-looking, jackanape, caucasian faces.

We’re not talking about a putt on the 16th to get within one of the lead, or keep the lead. We’re not talking about a 10 foot putt, or even a five foot putt, a knee knocker to win the title. We’re not talking about some kind of obscure, charity tournament to enhance Asian Heritage in Chattanooga Tennessee.

No. This is a ONE FOOT TAP-IN after a missed birdie putt, to WIN THE KRAFT NABISCO WOMAN’S MAJOR CHAMPIONSHIP.

ONE FOOT.

This will be down as the greatest short putt missed in the history of golf and possibly stretching into the next million years of golf when it has evolved into a bunch of big headed aliens tapping a holographic ball across the galaxy. They will recall in horror, when their denizens misses a tap in, that they have I.K-ed it.

We could probably compile a bunch of horror stories of golf, including the dumb-a#s two footer miss to win the Masters by that big loser Scott Hoch (notice the distinct bias-ness against men who suck and women who umm, had a bad game?). I mean, seriously, who would you chose to symphatise with:

Bald, fat Caucasian Octogenarian.

Playful, pretty Korean chic.

Not much of a choice, really.

But really. One foot. Major win.

Who could forget that sheer horror on her face when the ball horse-shoed around the trecherous hole and she spun around at her caddy, her tiny eyes wide with shock, hands over her mouth, mouthing a silent “OH MY #$^&#@# CRAP, I JUST LOST US 300K!!” in South Korean. We can only hope maybe she and her tall, good looking caddy hooked up later and he forgave her for making him lose so much money.

IK Kim, I can’t tell the difference between you and the 6212 Koreans on tour at the moment, but the hearts of all hackers go out to you. I can only dedicate this song for you (minus the disturbingly feline lead singer and the half naked woman slithering about) from the entire world of hackers trying to break 90 and 100.

We recall just a few weeks back, when faith in Woods was at an all time low. After failing in the last round time and again, it was getting very frustrating to stay up and watch him flail around like a hacker and then to wake up to go to work, in obviously thunderous mood. People snickered. They said he was finished. They are ready to pour their accolades onto the shoulder of a 23 year old punk with pubic hair on his head. Or onto a Justin Timberlake lookalike that has about the same number of fans as a block of charcoal in your neighbourhood grocery store. I mean, as I have mentioned time and time again, if Tiger fades away, golf would enter into an era that would make the dark ages look like Mardi Gras on steroids. It would be the END OF GOLF AS WE KNOW IT (or EOGAWKI–pronounced Eh-oh-ga-wi-ki).

And like a burst of sunlight, too intense to look into, yet too mesmerising to turn away, EOGAWKI was summarily dispersed with Tiger capturing his seventh (or his eight?) Arnold Palmer Trophy. I don’t really know what the details are, except that he played as he should be played, and although it wasn’t Mr Pubic Hair on the Head he defeated, it was his fellow country man, who looks like Hugh Jackman who ate too much pork and also got stunted in the process.

Now before we crown him again, we need to know that Tiger has literally been to golf’s equivalent to Mordor and back.

1) Humiliation of dropping out of the Top-50. Now he’s back to six. He’s still some ways from Charcoal Donald and Pubic McIlroy, but at least there’s finally a recognisable US name in the Top Ten. For months, US had to be content with an old guy by the name of Steve Stricker and Homer’s brother, Webb Simpson.

2) His douchebag of a caddy called him out and wanted to shove something up his “coloured” bleep-hole. Now his player, Adam Scott is lower than Woods in world ranking. Steve Williams now lives in a mobile caravan in fear of his life, as assassins from the Bronx, Bangkok, Japan and where ever the heck Tiger is from are out to get him. Take that, racist Steve Williams.

3) His equally douchebag of a coach has written a tell all book “The Big Miss”, depicting Tiger as an egomaniacal, power-crazy, selfish piece of crap for the past couple of years. When you’re bringing in a 100 Million a year, it does crazy stuff to you. Big Deal, Hank. But you gotta hand it to Hank…he claims everything about Tiger is about golf, yet tells a story of how fearful he was asking Tiger for a popsicle. How is that related to golf, Hank? Your popsicle? As in, really?

4) His hot wife beat him up over some text messages and divorced him. She has since destroyed their home in a fit of rage, and re-married and named the scum in her new pond Tiger Eldrick Woods…in case there’s some ambiguity. What do you expect? She’s a descendant from Erik the Red. Tiger probably now fears for his life, as she’s calling the God of Thunder to descend upon his newly built life and damn him to eternal purgatory.

5) I don’t know if Tiger still hangs out with the pornstars, but really, his taste in pornstars really really suck. I mean compare him to Martin Sheen, who also hung out with a pornstar, Tiger’s choice is like choosing a dead hamster over a Bugatti Veyron Super Sports. It’s a complete embarassment. At least now, hopefully he steers clear of pornstars and get his life back in shape.

OK, Tiger, winning once ain’t gonna cut it. You are not Jesper Parnevik. You are supposed to win. So get that Augusta and bring us back from the brink of EOGAWKI!!

The big news this morning for golfers: Tiger Woods having to withdraw due to injury after the 12th hole in the last round in Doral Blue Monster this week. After watching him play well in the second and third round, it might be a possibility for him to catch up with Justin Rose and Mr Bubba despite being 8 shots back. But the guy that made the run is our curly hair number one Rory, and Tiger (YET AGAIN) just failed in the final round. I really think he should just stop wearing the darn red shirt! Over and over again, he is proving to be more like david Duval than David Duval himself. The latest setback so close to Augusta doesn’t bode well for us Tiger fans.

I don’t get it, how come guys like Tiger who looks like he benchpresses beluga whales have all these problems when a joke like John Daly doesn’t have sports injuries? How can golf be so physically demanding when Arnold Palmer can still play while half his body is already in a casket? I mean, it’s golf! The only injury I have right now is that my left pinky can no longer bend into a fist without popping, but except as a freakshow to gross out my wife, it doesn’t really bother me much. It’s golf, not football, basketball, badminton etc. Isn’t it considered an ‘old man’s game?’ (although in parts of Indonesia and Thailand, among caddies especially, it has evovled to ‘dirty old man’s game’)

Come on Tiger, stop being a sissy!!!

The big news for hackers however: Sergio Garcia, everyone’s favourite crybaby, made OCTUPLE BOGEY..yep, that’s a +8 for you guys who don’t like roman numerals. Although not as fascinating as Kevin Na’s Duodecuple bogey (a +12) , it’s still, by far, one of the biggest names in golf playing like a complete hack in one hole. Only one hole, mind you, because though that made us feel good, he still managed a 76. It’s ridiculous. If we shot a +8, we would be shooting 110. So if he had only parred that hole, he would be at 68.

Then again, these guys eat, drink, crap, sleep golf, while we only dream about playing somewhere in the open field as we try to stay awake in the office.

The actual golf season begins with Tiger.

Face it, quick trivia:

1) How many PGA tournaments have been played?

2) Who won these tournaments?

3) What is the current PGA tournament being played now, and who is leading at the halfway cut?

If you can’t answer any of the above, or wrongly answered Abu Dhabi HSBC championship for 3), chances are you are like 99% of the golf fans out there: NO ONE GIVES A CRAP about the other PGA tournaments outside of the majors, and outside of any tournaments Mr Woods play in.

I finally tuned into golf, between flicking channels to watch the tennis Australian Open, and watched the marquee group of Rory, Luke and Woods. Luke sucked. As a world no. 1, you gotta feel extremely castrated in many ways. He doesn’t have the charisma of Woods, he doesn’t have the don’t care attitude of Rory, he doesn’t even have a freakin’ major that both Rory and Woods at least have! And he’s supposed to be the ‘best’. It’s such a ridiculous burden he’s bearing, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to beat these two guys, driving shorter than them, less accurate than them, and yet, seeded World No. 1?? As expected, Luke played like a doberman on heat, i.e extremely out of control and crap. And did I mentioned he has the same amount of charisma as the random piece of brick you find at the construction site?

Rory? He’s entertaining, but he’s no Tiger. He plays like a punk, and his body language is just so hilarious because it reminds us of…well, us. Except that he birdies after bogeys, while we just descent into an eternal spiral of crap golf. His resigned slump when he hits a bad shot, his animated face when he hits the good ones. His penchant to engage Woods in conversation all the time…thankfully, Steve Williams is no longer Tiger’s guard dog, else Rory might have his face bashed in for speaking to the mighty Tiger. But Rory was hit with a 2 stroke penalty when Luke said that he couldn’t sweep sand from his ball path outside of the green. Which makes sense. As in how hundreds of stupid golf rules makes sense, but play by the book, right? To do him credit, he didn’t blame the tell tale World No 1 but penalised himself, but yet carded  an even round to remain at -5, same as Tiger…how does one get 2 double bogeys and some bogeys and yet remain even??

Tiger played like…someone else aside from Tiger. We are so used to seeing this guy flapping his clubs around and screaming FORE!! and go on to do a ridiculous recovery shot and sink an impossibly long putt…that the new Tiger, with the ability to fade the ball just needs getting used to. Tiger will always be Tiger, but we love him so much because he was able to overcome adversity, and come up with crazy shots that we would try on the course, much to the danger of everyone involved.

Now Tiger just plods along, hits great fades with 3 woods into the fairway (with the occasional top that can still skitter 240 yards), doesn’t do much fist pumps and resembles a black Luke Donald. Yawn. I hope this doesn’t mean Tiger is going to be playing boring golf all the way, or else I’ll be switching to watch Junior Masterchef Australia. He’s hitting it great though, and it will really be great for him to be in contention in the weekend, hopefully paired with the jabberwocky Rory McIlroy.

By the way, the report was that Tiger Woods was paid a significant sum to play in Abu Dhabi, about 2.x million USD. I think the rumor was that last year, one event organiser wanted to bring Tiger back to Malaysia for one of the tourneys…and was quoted RM5 million, which was before his Chevron victory and at his lowest value. That was his discounted value. I don’t think we’ll ever see Tiger going for RM5 million ever again, now that he has regained back some of the aura he lost when his car crashed into the tree and he downgraded from the most appealing and marketing person in sports into a not-so-pretty-pornstar lover. What a fall from grace ain’t it?

Ah Well, Tiger Mania is back, and let the season FINALLY begin!!

13. Don’t pay for Roman Bath Tour

It is a known fact that we Malaysians would do anything to get a free ride. We honestly didn’t mind paying to see the famed Roman Baths Hot Springs, but we entered the back-side of the bath house, manned by a single elderly chap. When we asked him where to pay the 15 quids per person (expensive!!), he told us to just walk through the bath house to the front and get the tour ticket there. Needless to say, by the time we walked through the bath house, we had taken sufficient photos and experienced the huge Roman dining hall to pass the actual tour.

14. Do the Free Touristy Stuff

If you’re into churches (as in architecture, not church girls), Bath has a pretty good one called the Bath Abbey, or St Peter. I think. We didn’t get to go inside because they were closed for service. And in any case we were in a hurry.

Another place you could go is the royal crescent, which is just a bunch of houses that are shaped as moon crescent. It’s supposed to be an architectural wonder, but I wouldn’t know, as my whole architectural experience consist of trying to extend my house kitchen into the backyard by 8 feet.

Something closer to my specialty would be the Jane Austen Centre. Now, I’ve read most of her books and I can honestly tell you I would likely nod off to sleep for each book. I don’t really get her books, and I’ve read Emma, Persuasions, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Mansfield Park. The only one I couldn’t get past was Northanger Abbey. Jane had a thing for Bath, so apparently she stayed around this area, which is near to the Crescent place. In the centre I found the solution for introducing Jane to my future kids: Comics! Marvel apparently had translated her books into comic form, which is great! Now at least we won’t fall asleep over the genteel English culture!

Finally, there’s probably a couple of tourist trap around Bath, aside from the obvious Roman Baths and Spa (get from Thailand, much better and cheaper). One that we got sucked in was this place called Sally Lunn, which is ‘World Famous’ for her Sally Lunn Bun. It’s at the oldest house in Bath, apparently built 1482. Heard of Sally Lunn? No? Me neither, so either we are not from this world or the ‘World Famous’ is as mythical as my ‘World Famous’ golf blog. Anyway, for the chinese, it’s difficult to say Sally Lunn without snickering at the surname a little. Hehe. Immature urchins.

Anyway, just take pictures but don’t try to bun, because it sucks. It’s just bread with chocolate (the one we had) and I had a hard time stuffing it in, knowing I paid an equivalent of RM30 for it.Apparently Legend had it that Sally hid the recipe at a secret compartment in the house, which was discovered by some intrepid busybody. Obviously, she hid it to remove the horrendous recipe from the face of this earth. Why must people uncover things that should be laid to rest? Haven’t they learnt from Transformers, not to dig up that old hack Sentinel Prime??

So, now he has finally won. We’ve been predicting this for ages. A guy with that many wins, that many majors ain’t gonna disappear into the sunset. He’s back, he’s now single without any worries of infidelity, and he has won….a mickey mouse event, nonetheless but still, WON!

You can feel the huge amount of relief as he dropped that last putt to beat Zach Johnson by a stroke for the Chevron event. Immediately the Tiger Woods fan club is now back to life. We’re big fans of Tiger not because we’re glory seekers, but he’s the only reason that separates golf from lawn bowl in terms of watchability on TV. Seriously. Garcia, Rory and all these guys are good, but they are so boring to watch. Yes, even Garcia. With Woods, you have history. You’ve grown up with this dude. You’ve played golf because of him. You have secretly became an internal commentator of your game comparing your stroke to that of Tiger’s. And you’ve seen him fall from the golfing heavens to hell, and now, apparently back again. This guy IS golf for many of our generations. So, what’s there not to support? He’s the only person wielding a 5-iron that is worth supporting in this dreary sport. Golf is a great player’s game, but it’s a lousy spectator sport, face it.

Now, the one thing that has been tough to swallow over these past months, aside from the ridiculous merry go round we see at world number 1, are people who thinks that they are obliged to comment about Tiger’s sorry game state.

Even when he wins, you get a joke like Jeff Maggert, commenting:

“I’m sure he’ll count it as a win. But 18 guys? C’mon! At this time of year, you’re fat on turkey looking forward to Christmas. But you don’t have the guys from behind pressing you for four days when there are only 18 guys in the field. You’re only having to beat three or four guys at the end of the day, where normally you might have seven or eight guys nipping at your heels.”

Jeff Maggert then says sagely, “For him to win this week is obviously a stepping stone for his confidence. He played well on a tough golf course.”

Jeff Maggert. Winner of a grand total of 12 professional tournaments. Commenting on someone who has 149 wins in all tournaments. That is an amazing 8% of Tiger’s achievements. And that too winning titles like the awesome Malaysian Open back in 1989. Who the heck is this guy, Jeff Maggot? What has he done, except to eat Tiger’s dirt?

Jeff Maggert. He’s playing this week at Q-School, with the winning cheque of USD50,000. Tiger just won 1.2 Million, exactly 2,400% better than Mr Maggert.

And why do people, especially the bottom feeders, suddenly want to comment about Tiger when Gilagolf has been saying all the while that Tiger will return?

Looking forward to 2012 finally.

5. Stay at a small town

England is littered with small towns here and there. One of the destinations we had was a place called Dorchester, right in the heart of Dorset. Dorchester doesn’t have too much to do, not unless you are a Thomas Hardy fan. Who? Thomas Hardy? Ain’t he the guy from the movie Inception and the Warrior?

No, that’s Tom Hardy. Thomas Hardy is a dead poet and literary figure who wrote books like The Mayor of Casterbridge, Tess of D’ubervilles, Far from the Madding Crowd etc.

Quite a guy. Basically, he based his stories on a fictional place called Wessex, which itself is based on the landscape around Dorset, so he’s pretty popular around this region. As it is, aside from hacking golf courses, I’m a big fan of his books, which incidentally taught me more about writing and speaking English than all the 10 years of education in the Malaysian school system, both primary and secondary.

So anyways, Dorchester is actually what Thomas Hardy calls Casterbridge is his novels. There’s a walk around town for all the relevant buildings and landscapes used in his stories. It’s quite a yawnfest unless you are a Thomas Hardy fanboy like me.

6. Stay at an Inn

Or a B&B. We chose one of the oldest hotel in town because I wanted to do the walks, but if you like, stay at a cottage B&B to experience English countryside.

7. Visit a church graveyard

It might sound dark and sinister, but we went to visit the burial site of Thomas Hardy (well, I did, dragging my wife along). We weren’t supposed to enter (for clergy only), but we unlocked the gate and strolled through anyway and took photos of the Hardy graves. Not your idea of a typical holiday, ain’t it?

8. Take a stroll in the woods

English countryside experience is not complete until you take a walk in the woods. Late Autumn, early winter is especially pretty, with the trees shedding their leaves all over the trail; the summer crowd all but gone; we didn’t see a single person in our half hour walk through the woods. Back in Malaysia we would be fearful of thugs coming to rob us.

9. Visit Hardy’s Birthplace

Only if you’re a fan, that is. I completed the pilgrimage to Dorset by visiting his birthplace, his grave and his home where he would write his books. It’s easy being a fan of a dead guy who writes poems and novels a 100 years ago….there is very little competition and restrictions!

10. Visit the Naked Giant of Cerne Abbas

Cerne Abbas. This is where you have the naked fertility giant chalked into the hills by ancient tribes. The story goes that even today people would illegally go into the hills where the chalk giant’s big dongle is and have sex in order to get kids. It’s weird. But the giant is really a sight to see.

Unfortunately due to the fog, it was tough to make out, so I took the liberty of going into the village and taking a close up of one of the souvenirs:

There you go. It’s hilarious.

11. Have English Cream Teas

You won’t get anything better back home. Go to any small village and enter a tavern, or a cafe and have the cream teas, which is like a value meal with tea, scones, butter bread and additional english condiments. It tastes amazing, and I don’t even like scones.

12. Head to Bath

Bath is one of the best towns west of London. It’s steeped with Roman history and of course, the famed hot springs for Spa and Bath, from which I suppose it derived its name. It’s a bit jammed up in Bath though, and the streets are horrendously confusing. Also, parking sucks there, so be careful. We found this excellent B&B called Three Abbey Green, which is simply great value for money stay. It’s located in it’s own little section in the town with cobbled streets, surrounding a giant tree. It’s pretty cool.