Ah, Bukit Beruntung. Every single golfer in Malaysia has traversed through this club at one time or another. Why? Because it’s cheap. And it has 36 holes. And whoever plays here is likely a beginner, hence the embarrassment of hitting a crap shot is not as bad as say, playing in KGNS, or Seri Selangor, where there are about 2 million people gawking at you and if you play too slow, they will likely start pumping in a hundred balls in your direction.

Beruntung, actually was where it all began for me, and I suppose for many of us. Before Kinrara, before Bangi, even before the stupid BU and the even stupider Bukit Jelutong, there was the one crap course to rule them all: Bukit Beruntung.

I recall as a beginner, my second time playing golf, and playing on the East Course, to the point that I was in a delirium after hitting my 436^th ball into the water or into the jungle. That was possibly the last time I ever set foot on the course, a magnificent 8 years ago.

We are not sure why we haven’t made our way to Beruntung for so long, but finally, because we have no where else to play on a Saturday morning, we chose the cheapest golf course to play in…and so, to Beruntung we went.

Travel ( 3/5)

One of golf’s greatest mystery is this: Why does it seem like it takes eons to travel to courses up north, as opposed to going to courses down south. I think there’s some huge physics theory at play here. Everytime we head north, it seems like we’re travelling to the World’s End. Possibly, everything beyond Rawang is Crap Country, and that’s why it feels so excruciating long. However, when we head over to Nilai or Seremban, it’s like, hey, we’re there, that was so fast! So traveling to Beruntung is still a pain, but what we like about it is that it’s near the highway. Once turn off, you can access it pretty easy. Compare it with possibly the two most stupid golf course access in the entire planet: Bukit Unggul and Tasik Puteri. Both of these courses are so deep inside the jungle or housing estate, you need a map to find your way there. Obviously, there’s no reason to it, except to make your life miserable as a golfer. For Tasik Puteri, at least the course is reasonable. For Bukit Unggul, I have decided to become the main antagonist to it and have so far discouraged all my groups to go there only if you want to die. Serious. Bukit Unggul sucks.

Whoa, carried away. Anyways, here’ s the general direction to Bukit Beruntung. We got it off their website (http://www.bbgcr.com) , which by the way was recently selected as the world’s worst golf website, beating even golfforthecolorblindandcompletelyblindpeople.com. Congratz Beruntung for a site that looks like shit-ake!

Price ( 3/5)

You seriously cannot beat RM60 for a Saturday morning. What can you do? Elsewhere, everyone is charging an arm and a leg just for you to play this game, so when a price like that in a reasonable accessible course comes up, there’s no complaining.

First thoughts

Like I said, coming back to beruntung is like meeting your ex-girlfriend. You know, the one you dumped because she looked like a greasy hamburger and snorted when she laughs and in general made your life a living hell by constantly challenging your mother to an arm wrestle contest. I don’t know. I’m just saying. And then finding out that this hamburger girlfriend of yours has become a little prettier, snorts a little lesser and generally don’t torment your mother anymore with such ridiculous challenges.

In short, Beruntung didn’t look half as bad as I thought.

Service ( 3/5)

Kudos to Beruntung, who did not force any caddies on us, and managed to kick us into the golf course in the fastest time possible. Of course, the buggies are still former army jeeps from 1942, but what’s there to complain. In fact, service was so good/bad, that there were no marshals to be found, so we really can’t gauge this properly.

Easy checkin and bam before you know it, you’re on the course. It’s a nice change for us, after undergoing the Nazi service we faced in Glenmarie and of course, the most ultimately incompetent group of shit-ake people in Bukit Jawi.

And guess what? The Mines company (as in the Mines group, the guys that brought us the amazing white elephant Mines Golf Resort), just bought over the management of Beruntung, so expect to see some changes!

Fairways ( 2/5)

I don’t know if it’s the Mines ownership or what, but this was where we immediately saw value. You might think 2 is actually a sucky score, but you haven’t seen Beruntung at its worst. It would be -20 or so. So the improvement was this: no plugged balls despite soggy weather; and a reasonably playing experience from the fairway (when we can find the darn fairway, that is).

Beruntung East is not easy. It looks easy from the first tee, but it’s not. It’s like that hamburger woman again, pretending to be pretty. The first tee has a reasonable sized fairway but don’t be deceived, because the trees that hug the fairways: these are bad trees. These are trees you can’t get out of, because once they get to your balls, they crunch them into pieces like the Sarlac eating your balls. Golf Balls, that is.

The second doesn’t get any better. You know you’re in for a long one.

Greens ( 2/5)

As the famed Bart Simpson would say, “Meh..”

Greens are strange as in speed. Each green has a different speed so if you think you’re being clever by taking a long time over a putt and wondering why your last putt zoomed past 6 feet and your current putt is short 10 feet, don’t bother. It’s obvious Beruntung didn’t bother, so just hit the darn putt and hope for the best.

To its credit, like the fairways, we did expect worse, so we’re giving it a 2. The greens are reasonably sized: we just had a nightmarish game in Templers, where the greens were the size of Brazil and I had my first official 5 putt. WHAT!

Rough ( 3/5)

One of my playing partners was this close to suicide after a few holes and dealing with his worst experience in a golf rough ever. I mean, it’s not to say that we’re even good in this game, so when the rough catches your balls and not let go….yep, it’s the famous Pitbull Rough. I think Beruntung got lucky with this one. You know they only employ 3 people to maintain all 36 holes of the course, and 2 of these guys are actually constantly swimming in one of the man made mining lakes there, so nobody actually maintains the rough. Mother Nature does that, and it has become so impossible to hit and so deep, we were using hybrids to get out of rough to a green 100 meters away…and still short.

Now, I’m not into S&M, but I’m a little partial for rough that really punishes us without being stupid about it. Punish means, it penalizes us for squirting our ball all over the place like morning piss. Being stupid means not cleaning up the trillion leaves that hide your ball like Seri Selangor.

Granted, Beruntung is on a palm oil estate, so there were not much issues of leaves, except for red ants and the occasional king cobra. Other than that, the rough is tough, so watch for it.

Aesthetics (2/5)

You don’t expect much so you don’t get much. Bukit Beruntung has the similar feel of KRTU, with lots of ugly looking trees sprouting all over the place. It’s not a pretty course, but perhaps we were all playing like drunk mogwais to notice too much of the scenery. We were always destined to suffer on a course that had trees as tight as cycling pants on Queen Latifah. The tough par 5 6^th hole requires a pinpoint drive, and right after that, another tough par 4 awaits us. Basically if you can’t drive straight, you will be in for a long game. And apparently, after 8 years from the time I last played this darn course, something has not changed: I still can’t bloody drive straight. Hole 9 is an intimidating hole that requires a good drive to cross. In fact 9 and 18^th are similar in that sense, and aesthetically, these are the rare nice looking holes of the course.

The toughest holes might be the 11^th and 12^th. The 11^th is a hooker’s nightmare, with jungle lining the left, and the 12^th has water front and right, with a small landing area to hit your drive. The amount of balls deposited into either side of the water can probably be exported to Singapore to help them reclaim land that belongs to the ocean.

The 13^th is the most interesting one, where a good drive sees you about 180m to 190m from the green, which requires to cross a strange looking lake with a natural ‘S’ shaped bridge across it. I recall this hole because when I was much younger, I deposited possibly 12-14 balls into the water. Good times.

Fun Factor ( 2/5)

To say we didn’t have fun at all is not really the truth. Face it, the drive there wasn’t great but they did put us onto the course quickly. And although the course wasn’t so superb, we didn’t pay a whole lot for it. I suppose, we could have had boundless fun if our balls could just find the bloody fairway, because playing from the rough was like having your wisdom tooth extracted with a rusted plier. So there was certainly a case that we were playing so bad, it was not fun. Most of the cours played pretty similar, like I said, except for the last holes of each nine. Each required a good drive, and a good second shot into generous greens. The greens itself weren’t very good on the day we played, and it’s a course, where after the 15^th hole or so, you’ll be wondering, hmmm, what can I eat for lunch?

Conclusion

We came to Bukit Beruntung on the back of its terrible reputation as a Sh*tty course, much like Beringin was. To our surprise, since the Mines management has taken over, it wasn’t so bad.  Let’s just say that there’s definitely a trend to improvement, and perhaps the next time we tee up on it, we’ll be seeing better greens, better fairways.

The good: Subjectively, the rough, depending on whether you like golf S&M; the no-fuss attitude of the club service; the dead weight price is really a turn on, especially for nomadic golfers on Saturday morning that are to cheap to look for better courses (that’s us!!); Mines management can only mean good things.

The bad: Trees, trees, trees; fairways as tight as cycling pants on Rosie O’Donnell; greens and fairways are not up to par; and don’t expect too much beauty on the course.

The skinny: 20 of 40 divots (50%). This is very surprising as we were ready to send Bukit Beruntung into the hell hole of reviews, but came out quite satisfied with the experience. The fact that there is a change of management, and that the Anika Sorenstam Golf City is just next door, means that Beruntung is coming out of the wilderness of golf course and may assert itself as one of the better ones in the near future. Go Beruntung, jangan tak untung!

Bukit Beruntung GRC Information

Address:Bukit Beruntung Golf & Country Resort
WDT. No. 14 48009 Rawang
Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia

Contact: +603-60281841/1888

Fax: +603-60281843

Email: bbgc@streamyx.com

Website: www.bbgcr.com

Introduction

We actually played Gardens first before we got to the Valley, so we’ll try to be a bit more objective in this review. In theory, this should have been written before the horrendous valley experience, but I was too lazy to upload the remaining pictures onto the net, so here it is. But you know, when you’ve already had a bad experience, it’s hard to remain unbiased. It’s like accident reports in Malaysia. Reporting an accident in a police station in Malaysia is probably the same experience as pouring acid into your eyeballs. No matter how positive you want to remain, when you come out of the police station , EVERYTIME, you will wonder at the amazing efficiency of our boys in blue…because they never fail to live up to their expectations of crap service. Welcome to Malaysia, the land of super lousy service. I’m just venting, because I just had the most amazing (read: ULTRA SH*T) experience with our traffic police in reporting an accident, which I will vent in another post (I somehow have to tie it down to golf, but I’ll figure it out)

Travel (4 /5)

OK, back to Glenmarie. Travel is pretty much the same as the Valley, so let’s just remain it at 4.

Price ( 1/5)

The first time we played in Glenmarie Garden, I was invited to join a friend who had organized a tournament there for her company. Now, get this: She paid for 12 flights (or something), but only could manage to fill up 11. So she had one extra flight, right? And it was already paid for, right? Management of Glenmarie agreed she can take up that option after the tournament and play with her friends (us) for free!

When we got there, we found out that the green free was free but we still had to pay for the buggy and caddies!

Wait.

Is this flight already paid for already, as part of the tournament? Did we get tournament participants to fork out green fee and caddy fee as well and pay on their own? WHAT THE *&$*??! What is wrong with stupid Glenmarie? It is fast becoming one of Gilagolf’s most hated course, and the painful thing is, the course isn’t half as bad…it’s the stupid management that runs it, along with its cadre of idiotic caddies.

No amount of arguing would do, so we said, what the heck, let’s just pay and play and bitch about this later on a golf blog that has a readership of about 5. That’s how golfers get their revenge…yeah!

I know this might have nothing to do with pricing…we don’t actually know how much Glenmarie actually cost, since their website’s information says ‘update soon’, which means, ‘Sorry, we are so stupid we have no idea how to update our blardy website with relevant information’: but we’re guessing it’s a rate that many people would pay for a neuro surgery, so yeah, let’s keep it a 1 here.

First thoughts

We actually came to Glenmarie with a lot of optimism. I mean why not? This was a course we always wanted to play, it was close by, it had some pretty good reviews overall…and this was before our Valley experience. We really wanted this course to succeed, might even challenge Tropicana/Saujana for the top dog status in our ultimately unreliable Gilagolf ranking. And so, into the Glenmarie experience we went.

Service ( -1/5)

And crashed. I am trying not to include the ridiculous service we got from the Valley experience, but whichever course you play, you get the same clowns servicing you, reminding you over and over again, that GLENMARIE SERVICE SUCKS. It’s on the signboard on the way into the club, go see it yourself.

Aside from our experience at the counter, when they literally stole money from us by double charging our buggy and caddy fee, we were also forced to take caddies. The less I say about the Glenmarie caddies, the better. Next time, bring a block of wood and show the counter lady, “Here’s my caddy.I bet you a trillion bucks this block of wood can give me better advice than these clowns you pass for caddies.”

And here’s the best. I stupidly organized a tournament for some companies in Glenmarie before we had this crap experience. After tournament, I approached the Glenmarie rep to publish our scores on the board.

You know how you know when someone  is discriminating against you? You just know it. I just finished a round of 92 where I spent a good part of my life in the jungle trying to carve escapes routes to the green, so I would not be the cleanest guy around, right? This Glenmarie douchebag just sits there, looks at me up and down and asks me what I want.

“Can you publish our scores on the board?”

“Hah? Apa board?”

“Um, score board. For people to see?”

Laughs derisively, and says something to the 2^nd douchebag next to him, then says in malay to me, “We have electronic scoreboard lah.”

“Um, ok, can you put up our scores.”

“No, you must pay RM200 extra.”

“We just organized a tournament here. Doesn’t it come with it?”

“No.”

“So how the **&# can I announce the winner?”

“Nah, here’s a paper. We tulis lah, then you just announce.”

At this point, I was so hopping mad with this idiot, that I closed my eyes and imagined putting my tee between his teeth and smashing his face with my Hi-Bore Driver.

I don’t know what sort of stupid policy Glenmarie has, but you’re better off negotiating with terrorists than you are with Glenmarie management. Once again, everyone with me this time: Glenmarie management, you suck. You really, really suck. It’s my new song…it’s nice.

Fairways (3 /5)

OK, finally, some golf. Glenmarie, as a golf course, is actually quite nice. The Garden experience is definitely recommended, compared to the Valley, if you’re a hacker like us. If you are into S&M and love torturing yourself to heighten whatever pleasure you are desiring, then hey, you know, that’s you personally, go ahead and play the Valley. For hackers, if somehow you find yourself in Glenmarie, go with the Garden.

The fairways are generous in Gardens, and in good  shape as well.Your first drive is a tricky elevated tee off with water about 190 – 210 from the tee, so you can carefully negotiate it. I quite liked the second, the par five with water on the left, if you cut the dogleg enough, you can actually try to mount the green in two. There are a bit of undulation and elevation but not as extreme as Bukit Jawi, and not as flat as Bukit Kemuning.

Greens ( 3/5)

Greens when we played was in great shape. The roll was there, and Glenmarie greens don’t really break as much as you think. At least that was our experience. And in a lot of the holes, you can roll it on the green, so take your 8 iron or something and instead of hitting a 60 degree 40 meters, just punch and run it on. The fairways and rough are generally not as punishing, which takes us to:

Rough (3 /5)

Mediocre rough experience. It’s not too difficult to land yourself in the rough. On the 9^th hole, I actually putted from the rough onto the green to about 5 feet and sank the bogey. I didn’t spend as much time in the sand as I did in the valley, but it’s punishing enough. There’s a soft top layer of the sand and a hard bottom layer, which means two things:

1)      Your ball will be in a crater if you land in the bunker.

2)      Probably need to get more dig with your SW, or even us a PW with leading edge to get out. I heard this from Golf Digest, but had never really successfully implemented a PW with leading edge in a bunker, simply because I don’t really know what the tarnation does that mean. But it sounds good. And professional. And something that makes this review more legitimate.

Aesthetics ( 2/5)

I’d really like to say Glenmarie is a pretty course, but there’s really nothing special about it. In fact, aesthetic wise, I’d say 60-70% of the courses we have played looks better or about the same. I mean, if we are gonna pay SO MUCH for the darn game, and we have to put up with SO MUCH CRAP from your management and your hopeless caddy, the least you can do is to make your course look a bit more standout. It doesn’t and falls miserably into 2.

Fun Factor (2 /5)

We could have fun, but like in Jawi, the service experience had spoilt it for us. It was just difficult to enjoy a game when you know you just paid money to people who didn’t give a rat-a$$ about you and think they are doing you a huge favor but letting you play on their course. Although I did play pretty ok, with a birdie on the 16^th, we languidly went one hole to the next and just wanted to get it over with. I kept thinking the caddies were in just for the ride since they didn’t do or say much.

Conclusion

The gardens were this close in joining the valley in the dreaded WOTM space. Instead, it does have its own redeeming factor: Glenmarie Garden golf course is ok, playable and at times, I am sure, also enjoyable. If not for the price, it would definitely be right up there with some of the good ones. With the service, it pulls down the rating. People who discriminate against hackers are people we don’t take kindly to, so Glenmarie, either you sack everyone in the customer service management, or lower the price and position yourself as some contractor golf course that you really are. Premium my foot.

The good: Travel is easy; course conditions are generally good; friendly layout on the Gardens course.

The bad:  Again, the customer service of Glenmarie truly, madly, deeply SUCK; price is definitely not worth the admission; caddies really spoil the game, you are better off paying them to NOT come with you because they just add to the useless baggage.

The skinny: 17 of 40 divots (42.5%). Glenmarie has truly been the biggest disappointment so far. They are like France in World Cup 2010; they were seen as contenders but actually turned out to be a piece of crap, mainly due to their service. If you are organizing a tournament there, please, avoid it; if you are playing a casual round and have some money to spend, go KGSAAS instead. Let’s leave Glenmarie to rot, because of the way it threats hackers.

Glenmarie – Gardens Scorecard

Glenmarie – Gardens Information

Address: No. 3 Jalan Usahawan U1/8, 40150 Shah Alam,
Selangor, Malaysia.

Contact: +603-78039090

Fax: +603-78032728

Website: http://www.glenmarie.com.my/

Email: info@glenmarie.com.my

ggcc@glenmarie.com.my

Glenmarie. We never thought Gilagolf would ever step into the sacred grounds of the top 3 golf courses around the Subang/Shah Alam territory: KGNS, KGSAAS and Glenmarie. But we were finally able to weasel our way into all of them, and here’s a good look at Glenmarie Golf Club, and two of her fabled 18: The Valley and The Gardens.

We’ll take a look at the more famed one, The Valley.

Travel (4/5)

Travel is a snap. As with all courses around this area, you wouldn’t get lost even if you had 10 shots of JDs and someone pumped you full of valium. The only problem here is the jam. Subang area is notorious for jams. I mean, have you ever tried accessing subang via Federal Highway in peak hours? It’s ridiculous. You can finish watching Avatar and still not reach home. I don’t know how the Subang fellas do it. Having been through a few of it myself, I am already seeking therapy for suicidal tendencies.

Anyways, for Glenmarie, thankfully, you can access via the NKVE. Turnoff at Subang and head straight, keeping right. What you need to do is to make a U-turn right at the bottom of the road and come back up the other side.  Keep left and turn the first turning to the left. Then follow the road signs to lead you to Holiday Inn/Glenmarie Golf. You won’t miss it. Turn right at the traffic light and go all the way in, pass the hotel and you’ll arrive at Glenmarie Golf Club.

Price ( 1/5)

The price is always a giveaway for what is to come. If we pay through our nostrils, the experience better be darn good. If you’re going to charge premium, hey, play premium, and don’t play a course that turns out to be like any other course.

And for Glenmarie – Valley, here’s the cruncher: RM181 for weekday for special discount rate. Because we were organizing a tournament there, my company was given that discount to play a practice round. OK. So what the he** is the discount here? What’s the normal pricing, if already we’re down RM181??

And later on, we’ll explore, is this worth it? For now, let’s just say, I rather spend that RM181 on taking my dog for his rabies injection and buying really expensive Danish Dog Cookies for him.

First thoughts

Glenmarie, you have to give them, has a pretty impressive clubhouse. Everything looks very professional, very well done, well organized. They have their trademark blue roof club house, a huge drive way, and the car park nearby.

Of the two 18s in Glenmarie, the Valley is generally considered the more difficult one, and considered the ‘championship’ material. I don’t know who put that in the brochure, but that’s the generally accepted theme. The course gives what Jawi gave, a general feeling of expanses, which to its credit, Glenmarie exploits very well, in terms of hole design and general aesthetics. It’s not to say we like it, but these are first thoughts anyway. Until….

Service (-1/5)

It’s official. Glenmarie Service SUCKS. You’d think a hotel-resort course would have top class people handling their service, but here it is:

1)      Dumping us into a different course

Having already booked and CONFIRMED an 8 am flight in Gardens, we were unceremoniously dumped into the Valley course by the reception, because there is a monthly tournament going on in the Garden. Ok, thanks. Now why on Jack Sparrow’s beard did you agree that we could use the Garden on that day, and confirmed it the day before??? Why would I want to practice on the Valley when our tournament is in the Gardens? The reception said, yeah, the Garden is easier but Valley is more challenging. My response to him was, yes, and we all look like sadistic idiots bent on abusing our own self esteem by seeking tougher golf challenges. Bring it on!As it is, we can’t even hit the darn ball straight! The point is, we booked Gardens, we play Gardens! And stop trying to convince us otherwise! It’s like we booked a flight to the Bahamas and they send us to the Amazon instead, saying it’s more challenging. The point is, we are packed for Bahamas, not bloody Amazon.

2)      No credit card machine

Ok, only for that day.  They did not accept credit cards, so they insisted on cash. Um, yeah, I carry wads of cash around me all the time, right? Wrong. They claimed the credit card machine was kaput. Do you know how inconvenient it is to get flight members to pitch in and pay in cash? Don’t they know that golfers only carry limited cash with them, so when they lose a bet, they can say, “Aiyo, no money lah”. So I had to pool money from the group, and two of them being customers. Thanks, Glenmarie, for embarrassing me in front of my customers. The least you could do, was to give some more discounts. Because of the broken machine, there was a long wait as well.

3)      Stupid Caddies

We absolutely, vehemently detest caddies that are forced on us (like in Jawi) and doesn’t even know what the green speed is. We got two of the dumbest caddies in the world. One was so grumpy that I was half afraid she would revert back to her cannibal instincts and bite off our ears for losing so many balls. One even had the gall to scold us, when we plopped an extra ball in one of the holes to practice pitching. Nobody was behind us then, so we weren’t holding up. Sure, she might have a point. Sure, it might be illegal. But, um, you are a caddy. Shut the heck up.

If I wanted someone to admonish me, I can get my mom to do it, not some strange looking person dressed in multi colored clown suit, whose primary job is to point out yardage, green details and hang on at the back of our buggies for dear life. One of them refused to take my putter for me when I putted out, instead, insisting the other caddy do it. And they even passed us wrong clubs in several instances, and give wrong breaks on greens. In fact I’m so pissed with them now, I’m reducing service to -1. This is the pinnacle of humiliation, for a so-called top rated golf club to have a -1 service, which is equivalent to the experience of having living cockroaches stuffed into your lunch sandwich.

Glenmarie Golf….your service and your caddies suck. Please improve or stop charging and pretending you are a good golf club.

Because of point 1), I didn’t bring my normal GilaCam, and had to take pictures using my Blackberry. This is because I’ve already taken pictures in the Gardens, and since we were supposed to play in the Gardens to today, I didn’t see the point of it. I didn’t expect the extreme stupidity of Glenmarie to send us to the Amazon when we booked for the Bahamas.

Fairways (2 /5)

So after struggling through the reception, we finally trudged onto the first tee of the valley and…was pleasantly surprise. It was a very inviting tee shot, but I promptly pushed one way right. The first experience with the useless caddy was here, where they didn’t mention there was OB on the right, thinking that we wouldn’t be hitting there. Um, welcome to my world, where balls will fly to where they are not supposed to. I managed to recover for a double, but it set the tone for the day.

The fairways, surprisingly, was not as good as the Gardens. It might be due to the downpour the day before, but there was a general lack of maintenance, as was witnessed by bare or sandy patches, along with tyre marks of probably grass cutters and so on. But the grass was just not compact together, like the ones in Tropicana or Jawi. Glenmarie needs to understand: if you are going to charge an arm and leg for your green fees, your fairways better feel better than my Kingkoil bed. Because if it’s anything short, you are going to get relegated into the dreaded Waste of Time and Money Category. What a douchebag of a course.

Greens ( 3/5)

The greens are slightly better, but again, compared to the Gardens, it’s strangely sandier and less consistent. I don’t know why. I thought The Valley is supposed to be the better course, but it’s turning into some kind of nonsensical journey for Gilagolf, because the course is playing more like Kinrara, pretending to be a Tropicana. Most of the greens was a little sandy, some fast, some slower and there was just a nightmare figuring out the speed. The contours of the greens were also very challenging, which is why we are bumping it up to 3 (we like sadistic greens, for some reason), and large, so a regulation on might actually result in a three-putt, or in one case, a four-putt and a scream of anguish.

Rough ( 3/5)

Take it here from Gilagolf. You will spend most of your waking hour in The Valley in the bunker. There are a total of 1,156 bunkers on the green (this is not verified, we just need an independent auditor to go and count it). The entire course is literally littered with bunkers. I think I’ve hit more than 10 bunkers (fairway and greenside) on my way to an explosive score of 101. This would make an interesting challenge, except the bunkers behave differently. Some are hard packed, some are not so. Some sand is wet, others dry on top, wet under. And so on. And it’s not like we’re even good at getting out of bunkers. We suck at it. And yes, it’s Glenmarie’s fault that we play like drunk gerbils high on methanol.

The normal rough is ok, there’s no penalty like Saujana rough, and in this sense, we are reminded that Glenmarie is a resort course, like Bangi, only 3x more expensive.

Aesthetics (3/5)

Due to the contours of the Valley, you will see a lot of blind holes. One, this means, the caddy comes in play. And with the completely useless twits we had for caddies, we were in for a long day. More than one hole, they were completely lost, and we had to search for the balls on our own…and found them too. So on the tee box, you see…just the fairway and that’s it. It opens up from the fairway to greens along the rolling terrain, so in some instances, like the 18^th, it does gives quite a magnificent snapshot of the course, and why it’s called the Valley. Instead, if you look at it, you might think you were playing in Seremban 3 course, the course we have banished into the darkness of Gilagolf course infamy. Is the Valley pretty? It’s ok. It’s not spectacular, but it does gives some interesting vistas of the course. But everything is with a pricetag. I wouldn’t pay RM30 for a nasi lemak that tastes like a RM5 nasi lemak you know. Same thing. We can go Seremban 3, Bukit Jawi or even KGPA and be treated to similar visuals.

Fun Factor (1 /5)

Thanks to the service we were getting from the grumpy caddies, we didn’t really have a lot of fun at all. And we were a naturally fun group, you know. But one of my guys were seething when he asked for a 3 wood and the caddy gave a 5 wood. He walked halfway and found it to be wrong and had to wait again for the caddy to change. Another instance was when I hit a ball off the green and needed my 60 degree. I had to wait there for close to 5 minutes before she came with the right club for me. And to think we are paying for these clowns.

Also, the Valley is darn difficult. It’s a complete opposite from the Gardens. And I supposed, I’d like to say mentally we weren’t prepared for the Valley at all. While the gardens was generally benign, like Bangi, the Valley played like bloody Seremban 3 or something. The shift in difficulty was something we didn’t do too well with, as can be testified with our escalating scores to the hundreds. We’re not complaining based on that only of course, but hey, a Gilagolf review is very emotional based, and we don’t have a lot of data to back up our nonsensical reviews.

Granted, there was a bit of fun, when a birdie was dropped by one of the guys, but the overall experience wasn’t great, and at the end of the game, we were just waiting to knock off and go for lunch. Always a bad sign for a course.

Conclusion

So is Glenmarie recommended? The Valley is not. And we might piss off some Glenmarie stalwarths here who live and die by the Valley, but by charging us a ‘discounted’ rate of RM181 per person, and having the type of service so unusually poor that I can get better service from the dodgy DVD seller on the street, the tone is set for this course. The golfing experience is mediocre, the aesthetics is so-so, but the overall package is just something we will not recommend unless you are the type that enjoys suffering slowly in the bubonic plague.

The good: The travel is definitely an easy one, if you can survive the jam; the amount of bunkers definitely gives a different challenge; the contoured greens are nice and varied.

The bad: The customer service is atrocious; the caddies are as knowledgeable as the piece of loose gravel in the buggy track; the price doesn’t justify the course experience; the mediocre course just can’t cut it in an area where KGSAAS, Tropicana and Saujana ply their trade.

The skinny: 16 of 40 divots (40%). Congratulations, Glenmarie Valley for becoming the latest, most high profile course to be awarded the WOTM award. You will probably have better service as a POW in a WWII concentration camp. Take your moolahs and use it elsewhere. Glenmarie Valley is to be avoided.

Gilalogy Theory of Course Crappiness can be attributed to the phenomenon called the Halo Effect. It sounds familiar doesn’t it? Well, because the guy that wrote that book ripped it off from us, since we know Golf Gilalogy has been in existence since the time of Mesopotamia. Anyways, the effect is that in a given area, there’s always a correct balance of good and crappy course. Rahman Putra has its ugly step sister Kundang Lakes.  IOI palm garden has the dastardly UPM. Datai has Gunung Raya. Tropicana has the equally foreboding Seri Selangor. It’s never a case of equals, and it’s never more evident than Templers Park Golf Club vs Perangsang Templer Golf Club. Perangsang has always been in the shadow of the more illustrious club next door.

Unbelievably, this is my first time to the course that I have heard so much bad things about.

Travel ( 2/5)

The very same route you take to Templer Park Golf Club, you take it to Perangsang. Now I know we gave it 3 to Templer Park, and it would seem unfair to rate it to 2, but as mentioned, this is very much subjective to the club. For instance, if you were to run through a hail of 7.62mm bullets spat from an M14 rifle from one end of the field to another to get an all-paid tour around UK’s best golf courses and a tee time in St Andrews, you would do it, won’t you? It’d still have the same risk, but you’ll do it and think it’s heck of a deal. Now, would you do the same to get to a trip around Ulu Yam? You’d think it sucked.

So anyway, I forget my point. The fact that to get to these golf courses, you need to negotiate the most harrowing U-turn in the world. It’s a U-turn and immediately need to cut 3 lanes to the left to enter. The cars are zooming by, with the occasional 16 wheelers careening out of control and possibly smashing into your car and spilling 20 tonnes of uric acid on you. It’s a ridiculous way to access the golf course.

The alternative is to U-Turn and try to inch left and make the turn at the Shell station instead, giving you more roads to go left.

Absolutely stupid access.

Price ( 3/5)

We paid about RM40 using the Top Premier Book voucher. It’s a good deal. With SSG links, you pay about RM53. SSG links have the advantage of paying RM63 for the weekends, which is pretty good weekend rate to me! They have a few promotions here and there, so head over to the website to have a list of it. But this is pretty reasonable, considering it’s right next to one of the overpriced clubs in Malaysia.

First thoughts

Before we reached the first tee, one of the maintenance guys ominously looked at us and said, Yesterday, big rain, flooded up to—(he points to his calf).

Obviously, this maintenance fellow is prone to exaggeration, but it’s still a bad sign for us, because we know from reputation how some of these cowgrass courses handle the outpouring of rain. We rolled our buggy past this creepy maintenance guy, holding his rake, and eyeballing us like we were going to Shutter Island. I half expect him to grab our scorecard and scribble the word ‘RUN’ there.

And on we rolled to the first tee.

Service (2 /5)

Thankfully we were spared from having caddies, so there wasn’t any extra charge, and we didn’t have any real experience with the service: until the end. When we were done with the game, we needed some drinks at the terrace. Being the cheapa$$ we were, we just wanted ice water to cool us down before we head out to Selayang area for food.

Imagine 4 half baked potatoes sitting around waiting for a drink that did not come. We waited, until one of my partners whitered into a prune and finally I decided to get up and look for the water-cooler or the ice water dispenser or anything. Nothing. The waiter kept saying, “Mineral water? Ok!” and I had to go “No, no, just a darn drink! In a cup!” because they will likely charge like RM10 for the mineral water.

Finally I had to practically force them to bring cool drinks for us, threatening them with our famous 7-iron up-down-your-throat maneuver. Not great service.

Fairways ( 3/5)

OK, enough of the nonsense service, it’s time to get into the course itself. One thing, the downpour was pretty intense the day before but we were pleasantly surprised by the fairway. We didn’t  expect it to hold the way it did, in fact, all of us were already laced in our army boots ready to wade through another heckhole of a course.

So after the first tee off landed (we started on the unforgiving back nine) and we threaded through the fairway, our balls were not plugged and the fairway was in a reasonably drained condition. First fairway (10^th hole) was a tough looking one, with a sharp left turn, very similar to Danau’s 10^th. The 12^th and 13^th fairway brought nightmares to us, similar to Danau’s Kate Moss hole 2…narrow bleeping fairways lined with jungles on every side!

The course opens up in the first nine, so it might be a good idea to tee up normally on the first nine, instead of like us, who seem to be liking the ‘belakang mari’ style of late…in golf that is, your perverted mind misunderstanding again.

Greens ( 4/5)

Here comes the saving grace for Perangsang. This is pretty amazing, because we expected the course to be in ruins, like the city of Osgiliath. So here we were, a band of brothers wielding our drivers, thinking that this is a poor man’s Templer Park Course and ready to banish the course into the WOTM or AAC category of hell, and when our ball finally plomped onto the green, surprise. …it was in a decent condition. Now I’m not saying it’s in Beringin condition, but you need to understand, the 4 is given because it’s so unexpected…we expected crap and got…well, another nice surprise.

It was slower than Danau definitely but because of the heavy rain fall. There wasn’t any puddles on the green, you just had to putt harder than usual but the roll was good and there wasn’t any annoying sand of stuff like that. The same guy that four putted from four feet in Danau (even if he was still playing like a drunk Zimbabwean nightbat), was having fun because his putts were reasonable.  His scores were the same, but you know….we hackers have very unpredicatable emotions.

Rough ( 1/5)

Back to life, back to reality.

As great a surprise as the fairways and greens were, the rough was totally…horrendous. Especially the bunkers. I have a good mind to give a -1 on it, because the bunkers were all swimming pools. Serious. Here’s how they look:

And not just one! Several! And the ones that didn’t have water had rocks the size of my fist. We decided (yet again) to implement the rule of If-in-the-bunker-then-its-on-the-green. So we didn’t play a bunker shot until the last few holes…but seriously, if you can drain the fairways and greens, spend some time on the darn bunkers man. The rough itself was ok…it’s punishing without being unfair, so we’re willing to conceded a point. But seriously Perangsang, if you want to compete with the big boy next door, your maintenance of bunkers need to improve. Tsk Tsk.

Aesthetics (3/5)

Now I know what you’re thinking. You give 5/5 for templer park and 3/5 for Perangsang?? Bias!

Well, to be honest, even though they were neighbours, whoever gets the Takun Mountain or whatever it’s called, gets the beauty. Templer Park is right beneath that mountain, and it gives some pretty surreal scenery. Perangsang plays more like a jungle course on the back nine, and more of an open space course in the front. You get a glimpse of the Takun mountain here and there, but especially some holes in the back nine, they played pretty similar.

The plus side is the water features are really clean. I mean, the river running through Hole 15 was like Evian Mineral Water. In fact, I was just about to dip my hands in it until I realize that one of my playing partners is proned to taking a piss in the middle of the round. Of course we didn’t pollute the pristine waters of Perangsang, but you just gotta be safe you know…pissing Hackers are quite common these days.

There’s also not much elevation changes, unlike Danau or A-Famosa, so overall there wasn’t much things to shout at in terms of beauty. It’s that sort of functional course that tests your accuracy.

Fun Factor (3/5)

OK, we admit, we did have fun there. The back nine was quite a killer in terms of  accuracy in the first couple of holes but after a while, as mentioned, they played pretty similar. Long drive required, and accuracy to the receptive pin.

OK, once you make the turn, (or rather first nine, please don’t get confused with our belakang-mari method), the course opens up and you definitely feel less claustrophobic. I mean, I don’t know about you but I prefer a wide fairway with plenty of spots where you can screw up. Amazingly, and this is seriously, a mystery of my game, on the first hole, I managed to hit a great drive with a slight draw. It bounced off the fairway and lucklessly landed into a narrow strip of drain marked as hazard just at the side of the fairway. WHAT!!! How can I manage to hit these unseen, small, insignificant hazards and still not get a hole in one??

Hole 6 is a nice pretty par 3, which we all managed to hit reasonably good shots at. It has some limestone at the background and a very nice pond next to it, from which will enter millions of golf balls. The thing that spoils its beauty would be the electrical lines running all over the course. Why do we have them and Augusta does not?

OK, finally to the killer Hole 7. If we had teed off on the front, we might be able to bruise through this, but as it is, due to extreme fatigue of sitting in a buggy and swinging at tiny golf balls, and also the fact that golfers have the fitness of a beached whale, we weren’t firing on all cylinders.

This is a crazy hole. It reminds us of that Danau hole 12 but worse. We basically need to target where we want our ball to carry the water. Target too conservative and you will send the ball past the water, past the fairway into OB. Target too aggressive and your ball has no hope to cross the water to dry land. Hook it, you’re in the water. Slice it you are in OB.

Suffice to say, we all tried our first ball and all failed miserably. We each took mulligans and tried our second ball and here’s the result: Mine again in the water. 2^nd guy OB…he angrily tees up again and OBs again and screams in agony. 3^rd guy gets so afraid he duffs his tee to 30 meters before water. Safe. Last guy decides to take the sissy way out and hits it down 150 meters into the fairway. He’s the safest but he has lost all his claims to his manhood that day.

Conclusion

It wasn’t that bad. Perangsang actually surprised us a bit. If it wasn’t for the distance and the maniacal U-turn, it might be a great replacement for courses like Seri Selangor, Kinrara and other fringe courses that are bordering on the WOTM scale. The location is not the best, definitely, but we think it’s worth the try. The only thing is that it has to compete with the big brother Templer Park next door. Well at least Perangsang doesn’t have its resident samurai ghost story…or does it?

The good: Fairways and greens are surprisingly intact after downpour; nice aesthetics; reasonable pricing; a good challenge to your driving accuracy; especially Hole 7; no Samurai Ghosts.

The bad: Rough sucks, too much waterclogged bunkers; suicidal U-turn if coming from PJ; service not up to par; always compared to the better Templer Park Next door.

The skinny: 21 of 40 divots (52.5%).

Perangsang Scorecard

Perangsang Information

Address: No 1, Templer Park Resort,
48000 Rawang, Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia

Contact: +603-60910022

Fax: +603-60910023

Website: http://www.ptgc.com.my

Email: info@ptgc.com.my

sales@ptgc.com.my

Ok, very quickly, I’m going to say a word and tell me immediately what comes to mind.

Danau.

I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking beach and water. Perhaps due to it sounding a little like Datai or Damai, both of which are beachside courses. So when I say “Danau”, you wouldn’t be thinking of some combat course in the middle of a university premise, would you?

Welcome to Danau Golf Club, aka UKM golf club. UKM here stands for Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia, which sounds a lot like UPM, which also have a golf course. I won’t be surprised if there’s a UKM vs UPM Tavistock  cup, where each university pits their best golf players who don’t need to study to pass against each other.

UKM definitely gets more points for being creative about their names. Face it, Danau sounds a lot more impressive than, “Lets have a tournament in UKM!”. Why doesn’t UPM come up with something, like Eoworth Woodlands Club or Falling Vale Hills Club, instead of, umm, let’s play at UPM. It’s very unprofessional and unglamorous!

Travel ( 3/5)

Golf courses must, by default, consider golfers as a bunch of yahoos, whose intelligence in directions is severely limited by the stimulant endorphins that are clogging up their brain cells in anticipation of a round of golf. It’s been proven by various scientific bodies that when someone is at a heighten state of mind, such as anticipating a round of golf or having sex, the human mind is incapable of focusing on anything else, particularly roads and directions. Hence most accidents in 2009 occured when the car involved was on their way to the golf course, or a brothel. Check it, it’s true.

Hence, idiotic golf courses like Bukit Unggul and other hard to find places like Damai Laut violates the first rule of golf courses: Make it easy for these yahoos to find. Thankfully, Danau is easy to find. Just head along the North South highway, take the Bangi turnoff and immediately, you will find what is known as the largest roundabout on earth. It’s true. It’s so huge that you’ll feel like you’re going into a different timezone by the time you exit. Anyways, head straight from the largest roundabout on earth. You’ll hit the second round about, and this time, take a 3 o’clock. Go straight and voila, you’re in UKM!

Now, this is VERY important. NEVER EVER enter into a university. Remember UPM? The stupidity of Malaysian universities is that they make the signs so small and filled with so many words, you need a bookmark to read it through.

Instead, at the traffic light before UKM, take a left. You will go past a field on your right. Watch for a right turning and take it. You will be on a small road and just head straight all the way until you see Danau on your left. Kudos to UKM for allowing golfers to NOT enter the university to get to their course!

Price ( 2/5)

We managed to play for free green fee that day due to some inner connections, but here’s the actual price:

Weekdays:84RM

Weekends:147RM

Sunday afternoon:98RM

Is it a good price? I mean, sure, it’s Saujana running the place, the folks that gave us the crazy greens in Beringin. But at 84, it’s almost RM20 more than Beringin, and the weekend rate of RM150 is ridiculous. Sunday afternoon at 98RM? Some might be off to Bangi then, which is next door.

Of course, if you have the SSG Links Card, it’s a lot cheaper as this is a home course, but without it, you’re forking out a lot of money for a university course. UKM needs to understand that in that area, there are a lot of golf courses competing, closest being the god forsaken Bukit Unggul, which of course, Danau is a lot better, I’ll say it up front. But still, you’ve got the palatable Bangi nearby, which a lot of people would prefer, how can they compete?

First thoughts

First of, if you want to compare Danau to UPM, don’t. Because Danau looks way better. I say ‘looks’, because at least for one, it has a nice club house, which begs the question: where the heck does a university get so much money to build one like this?? Anyway, the buggy stations are well maintained, the sign in was quick and without fuss and before you know it, we were nicely chugging along to the tenth tee box for our tee off.

The 10^th tee box was a great welcome for us, with the word ‘Danau’ staring right at us, with OB stakes. We found out the OB stakes was for the next hole, not this one, so feel free to whack the ball over the ravine!

Service ( 3/5)

We didn’t experience much service, except for when our buggy was dying halfway through our 14^th hole and we called Danau and in 10 minutes, the guy came with out buggy. Nice. We’ll mark at as a three, at least, nothing really pissed us off about the service.

Fairways ( 3/5)

OK, here comes the review. Were the fairways good? Yes, for cow grass. At least it didn’t have any bald  patches that made it so annoying at Bukit Unggul. In fact, maintenance and drainage were pretty good as well, and we didn’t have any issues getting slushed in as we do in other courses like Kinrara and so on.

Fairways toughness? Tough, especially for the first 9 (we teed up back nine first). Some of those fairways, like the one on the second is skinnier than an Ethiopian Kate Moss…serious! We had such a psycho time, the first three guys that teed off sent our ball way right into the jungle. The only one that made it was the clown that topped his drive and zipped the ball like 50 meters. We’re not saying we don’t like it, but you better bring your A-game driving here to Danau.

Greens ( 2/5)

The greens were mediocre. My flight mates hated it, especially one guy that 4 putted from 4 feet. I’m serious. He putted downhill, missed the hole, ended up 6-7 feet, then slammed his other putt past to where he began, and missed the third and by the time he was finished, the words coming out were as flowery as all the flora and fauna in Danau. The greens were also hard. I think it was made of marble, the ball just bounced and flew off the greens most of the time. Compared to Beringin greens, Danau was no where and was just a huge disappointment. This was because I was such a big fan of Saujana greens, I was trumpeting the greens to be as good as Beringin and it wasn’t. So I had to eat my words. It’s like promoting your kid to be the next Beethoven and getting your entire family and friends to watch his first piano recital and all he can play is Baa Baa Black Sheep. It’s still nice, but man, what a let down, or as we say in Malaysia, potong stim la. Remember KRTU and it’s greens of death? Well, we have a challenger. Danau greens are amazingly contoured. I personally liked it, especially some of the freens that had two-three breaks and several mountains for your ball to climb and three or four-putts are the order of the day. Get your putter ready, because Danau will kill you on the greens especially if it’s playing as fast as it was when we played.

We’re still giving it a 2, because I’m using Beringin as a reference and I just can’t take Baa Baa Black Sheep when I’ve promoted the Ninth Symphony you know.

Rough (2/5)

OK, I know you think Gilagolf always exaggerates stuff, but you won’t believe how many GURs are there in the rough in Danau. As bad as the wildboars were in Bukit Unggul, I’d think some university students are rearing wild boards and letting them loose on the course every night in UKM. Of course that’s illegal, what do you think! The wildboar patches were present in almost every hole in the first nine, especially hole 8. Here’s what we saw:

But seriously, UKM needs to do something about this wildboar problem. It sucks. Rough gets a 2 also because of rocky bunkers. Now we all hate rocky bunkers, because we’re already as bad as a drunk squirrel trying to do algebra when it comes to bunkers, but c’mon, rocks?? Our scratch up, sorry piece of equipments can only take so much abuse!

Aesthetics ( 3/5)

OK, UKM has two different nines. The first is jungle, Ethiopian Kate Moss fairways, while the other, we’ve got nice water features coming into play. Is it a beautiful course? Not by a long shot, it’s not. Is it better than UPM, heck, yeah. The variety was very welcomed and we especially liked a few holes:

a)      Hole 12, the par 5 with island tee off. This really is a hard tee off because you basically need a lot of confidence. Take a driver and blast it too safe, your ball might end up OB. You mishit, you are in the water, baby!

b)      Hole 18^th, this is a great ending hole (for us, it was a 9^th hole), because a narrow tee off opens up into a green nestled between four bunkers. Hit the green and you still have multiple tiers to play with.

c)      Hole 3 has to be a signature hole. It’s a 160M par 3, with a huge elevation difference. It’s like that 7^th hole in Bandar Utama. The turn off was of course the multiple chalk lines for GUR found here.

d)     Hole 4 is a killer 590m par 5. It’s never ending, lined with jungle on the right.

Fun Factor ( 4/5)

Even though I am convinced all of us involved might be closer to skin cancer thanks to our exposure to the sun in Danau, I believe we all had a lot of fun. It was hot, make no mistake and a few of us had mirages of lakes and middle eastern belly dancers doing their thing on the greens (which obviously affected our approach shots, what do you think?), but overall, thanks to the variation of greens and fairways and holes in Danau, we were able to keep our morale up (except for the guy who four putted from four feet).

One thing: if you are a newbie, please be careful when implementing the dreaded “One Jug of Beer if don’t drive past ladies tee” rule. If you’re not sure of yourself, declare that you don’t want to participate (and you probably will be castrated emotionally by your flightmates for the rest of your life), because in some holes, the ladies tee is like 100 – 150 meters away. Serious. Don’t say we never warned you.

I think some of the holes certainly made us think. Most hackers are mentally emasculated as evidence in the Ethiopian Kate Moss Hole on the 2^nd.

Golfer 1 blasts his drive into oblivion in the jungle to the right.

Golfer 1: ***$&*!!!

Golfer 2: Eh, this is short hole, only 280 meters only. Just use iron, hit fairway la.

Golfer 3: Eh, but you can one on

Golfer 2 stops and thinks. It does not occur to him, of the 2,347 times he has tried to one on a par 4, he has only achieved that feat once, and that too when his sliced ball hit a bird, bounced off a branch, hit a tapir and landed short but had a monkey pick up the ball to place it on the green. He believes that might happen again. He whacks his driver into oblivion.

Golfer 2: **&#$&#!!!!!

Golfer 3: Hahaa! (Takes up a 7-iron)

Golfer 4: Eh, no balls ah? Play 7-iron?

Golfer 3 is clearly miffed by the question on the validity of his testicles. He immediately takes up driver, measures and blasts into oblivion.

Golfer 3: *&$*&#$^!!

Golfer 4 picks up his driver, mishits and rolls 50 meters on the fairway, best shot of the day.

Everyone laughs and have fun, and have astronomical scores.

Why are we so stupid when we play golf??

Conclusion

By the time we approach the last hole in Danau, those middle eastern belly dancers had turned into gigantic hydras with fire coming out of their nostrils. We were almost all delusional, and stumbled with barely a concern for our scores. All in all, if you were to play I suggest you play first nine, second nine, instead of backwards like what we did. The second nine is a lot easier on the heat due to water in 4 of the holes.

Overall, Danau proved to be an extreme challenge, especially if you are a newbie. Watch those ladies tee, and just get past those. If you can play in Danau and score well, you’re set to play anywhere.

The good: Accessibility; reasonable service; good variety of holes makes it interesting and memorable; contoured greens are hellish to putt on but still fun when you see opponent four putt from four feet; definitely fun if you have a bunch of gilagolfers who don’t mind having astronomical scores

The bad: The greens are disappointing for Saujana; rough is totally hacked up by wild boars, price is not very competitive given the proximity of Bangi, IOI, UPM etc.

The skinny: 22 of 40 divots (55%). The price at the moment might serve as a turn off, because unless you are SSG Links member, I don’t see how someone will pay RM84 for weekday without food. Bangi is too close geographically and serves as a competition…and they have Food! But try this course, and see if you can score and survive the Ethiopian Kate Moss Hole number 2.

Danau Score Card

Danau Information

Address: Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia

43600 UKM Bangi, Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia

Contact: +603-89258953

Fax: +60389250855

Website: http://www.danaugolf.com

For the sake of completeness, sometimes the gilagolfer has to traipse to places where no sane golfers would venture, much less play on. We’ve gone to unbelievably bad golf courses like Frasers and the god-forsaken Mordor-like Selesa Hills. Why do we do this? Because we insist on giving the Gilagolf readers the best, most accurate, most unbiased view of golf courses in Asia. It’s been some time since we set foot on a course that rates AAC (Absolutely Astoundingly Crap), and frankly, I enjoy reviewing courses of this nature more, because it’s simply ASTOUNDING how a so-called golf course can sink to the level of crappiness so bad, that it’s like taking a bath in cow dung for a week and cleaning up later with dog poo. Yep. AAC is exactly that.

Next up is Bukit Jelutong Pitch and Putt course, or better known as the Par 3 course, or Beginner’s course, or mickey mouse course, or a course with no rules. It’s really a prophecy of things to come if nobody actually knows the dang name of the course…here it is:

Guthrie Golf Academy Pitch and Putt Course.

Wow, nice. Bet none of you knew that.

Travel (4/5)

Traveling to Bukit Jelutong is quite easy. I used to think it was darn far, back in the days when going through a toll to get home from work was like seeing a pink elephant dance ballet in a tutu…i.e non existent. So when Jelutong came up from the palm oil plantation like an oasis in Sahara, most of us city jakuns were like, “WHAT, have to go through toll, one ah??”

Of course, time has changed and now even the names like Puchong or Kepong or Kota Kemuning or Sri Kembangan, or Setia Alam doesn’t strike fear into the traveler’s soul anymore.

Here’s the nice map to Guthrie Golf Academy Pitch and Putt Course.

Easiest way is to hit the NKVE and head towards Jelutong exit. You can’t miss it. From Damansara toll, stay left, go past the Subang turnoff and head straight, till you eventually come to a three fork road. Forget about the road signs, since in Malaysia, we all know the government hire a team of monkeys to put the signs up behind trees or at intersections when it is too late.

Here’s a nicer view:

Red is bad. Blue is Good. Don’t turn left to KLIA, but stay on the left lain. There is a smaller lane to Jelutong in the middle. Going right will lead you to Tanjung Rambutan, the insane asylum. Literally.

After Jelutong toll, stay left and turn left. You’ll see the course on the left. You might mistake it as a rich man’s garden. It probably was. There will be a turning to the left and voila, you’re there! Welcome to Malaysia’s pitch and putt!

Price (2/5)

We paid 30 bucks per person to play 18 holes. Yes, I know, it’s illegal, because that’s for 9 holes.  It’s RM40 for 18 actually, but this is one of the very few courses in the world where you can actually bargain your green fee.

Me: 18 holes please.

Guy at Counter (GAC): 40rm

Me: WHAT? That’s expensive!!

GAC: Sorry la bro…that’s the price.

Me: How many people actually play on your course?

GAC: Not many, usually they bring their children to play only (seriously, they do.)

Me: So how to charge me RM40 when nobody even playing? Why not charge me 30 instead of 0, if I decide to not play?

GAC: Yeah, man….correct. OK la, 30.

At this point I bring my fellow flight mates hiding away and all get RM30. Nice.

You can have lots of permutation of such bargaining scenario. In fact, you can take this exercise and apply it across the board to Malaysia’s public service, specifically to our incorruptible police force when they catch you for traffic offences.

First thoughts

OK, to be honest, I wasn’t really playing at the course. I was caddying for my wife, who is just starting to play this game with her 3 other friends. I thought I can score some brownie points by being a Steve Williams for her. And this Jelutong course is the only course where nobody cares what you do. You can tee off with your underwear and they will still allow you to do it.

So, first tee box, like a good caddy, I walked into the fairway. Squish. Squish. Squish. My FootJoys were water proof apparently but the mud was so deep that immediately my feet were wet and dirty. Note to people playing this course: Please wear Pua Chu Kang boots, not shoes!!

First tee off hits a tree to my right and drops. It’s ok right? No. We went in there with our search lights and the grass was so thick and the ground so damp, the ball was gone. At this point, I realized that this course wasn’t actually just a golf course. It was a candidate for the coveted AAC category. YES!

Service (2/5)

I’m going to give it a 2 here. Simply because of the inconsistency in how they deal with their prices, and the fact that there is absolutely NO course maintenance whatsoever. It’s simply a course left to die. Plus, we found a loose 7 iron in one of the greens and tried to return it to the clubhouse. I went to the guy behind the counter and he says, go to the pro shop and drop it there. So I went. Pro Shop guy says, look, lost and found at the other counter. Yeah, but that guy just told us to come here. No, insists Mr Pro Shop, drop it there.

Dang it! So I walk all the way back there and voila, the counter guy has gone to god knows where.

What the heck??!

So, I ended up keeping the lousy loose iron and now it’s in my room in case I need to bash a robber’s head.

By the way, one of the guys in our group—funny fellow, was wondering where the buggies were. Beginners: bring your trolleys or carry bags…we’re going to be walking for the next 2 hours, or 3 hours depending on skill, or in some cases, 5 minutes, after giving up on the first hole.

Fairways (-1/5)

Aha, here’s where the rubber meets the road. A negative rating is only reserved for courses that resembles the rear end of a llama. What can I say? Second hole, one of the players six iron landed in the fairway…missing. This is simply due to the fact that there is no fairway. It’s like playing in mud. The ground is like quicksand. And check out this 9^th hole fairway.

Yes, the entire fairway is Ground Under Repair, even the tee box.

OK, so what?

We teed off about 5 meters away from the green, with a wedge. One of them teed off with a putter. Yes. That’s nice. Why don’t we just get the heck out of here and eat some nasi lemak?

Let’s have a look at this hole again.

Holy Mackerel. This is supposedly a ‘golf course’. AY CARAMBA!

Greens (1/5)

OK, to be fair, the greens were bad. But not atrocious. As in, I sometimes experience these kind of greens on courses like Bukit Unggul, The Nameless Course in Seremban, Tuanku Jaafar. But these courses are just an inch away from being AAC themselves, so these are really lousy role models to choose from. But of course, for this Jelutong course, it is left for Mother Nature to reclaim back the land, so to have a green by itself is already a miracle. The grass is long, obviously but at least there’s a difference from the fairway. Plus, a few of the beginners actually rolled in 10-15 footers, complete with fist pumps. Can’t beat the fist pumps, so we’re giving the greens a 1.

Rough(-1/5)

Back to crap land. The rough is…stupid. There’s a difference between being purposely challenging and being too darn lazy to upkeep the course. This is the latter. I mean, here’s a picture of the rough.

How the blue heavens are we supposed to hit from that? OK, you say that’s OB. Fair enough. But it’s like smack in the middle of the fairway! OK, fine, what about hitting balls right into the rough and not being able to find it? What about the rough being so wet and damp, you sink to your calves the moment you step in. Or what about the fact that the sand is so hard, that you require an axe to get your ball out of it??

We finally implemented the rare rule of If-It’s-in-the-rough-it’s-automatically-on-the-green. I.e if your ball lands in the rough, due to the dangers of cobras and pythons and lochness monsters, your ball magically is on the green.

Very few people uses this rule, but it’s in the USGA book. Go check it.

Aesthetics (1/5)

Aesthetics? Nothing there for you. The 13^th and 14^th hole (I think) offers the only holes with water. The 13^th is a 130 meter carry over water to a green, or if beginner chooses, to use the ‘fairway’ to the right of the water. The 14^th is a nicer looking hole with a straight carry to a large green.

I think these were the only saving grace for the whole course. If you are looking to play this course, just run all the way to these two holes and continuously hit about 20 balls. You’ll get more satisfaction than playing the whole course, because frankly, all the holes are almost alike. Boring, flat…lousy fairways, lousy roughs, lousy greens.

In fact, the most interesting I saw was a carcass of a dead cat fish. I.e seriously, it was perhaps the first discovery that may prove evolution exists. This fish decided that the course was just too crappy to take, and the pond was full of poison, thanks to millions of balls deposited into it everyday, that he just decided to get out of the water and go away.

Obviously, the fish wasn’t evolved yet, so it got about 50 meters from the pond and just kind of died. But seriously, have you ever seen a fish trying to get away from the pond before and die trying? What kind of course is this? It’s so bad that all living things are escaping it.

Here’s an extreme close up to the fish that wanted to evolve quicker than he should have.Poor Sucker.

Fun Factor (0/5)

Not fun at all. You’d think you can’t lose balls in a par 3 course, think again. Because the rough and fairway are swamplands, anywhere other than the green, your ball is 50/50 gone. Seriously. I am NOT exaggerating. The drainage is so poor, the grass is so long, there is absolutely no way to find the ball!

And ok, to serious golfers, everytime I give you a pitching wedge in hand, can you absolutely hit the green each time? No right? I mean, if you’re shooting in the 90s, sometimes, you might fly the green, you might pull it, you might push it, you might duff it…what the heck…so imagine beginners, their balls flying 10 feet forward, skirting the ground, or whacking it 20 meters past the greens etc….and one caddy looking for all these balls.

Dang! It’s exhausting!!

They all finally gave up after the 14^th hole.

OK…from 15^th to 18^th, it’s a straight stretch. What you can do to make it more fun, is to tee off with a driver, or a wood, and play 15^th to 17^th as a par 4. And 18^th as a par 3. That’s exactly what I did with one guy from the group (the other 3 having given up).

Was it fun? No. It was an absolutely waste of time and balls, since I lost two balls on the lalang infested fairways. Curse you, Guthrie Jelutong course or whatever you are called!!!

Conclusion

OK. I realize that since this is a beginner’s course, we can’t really escape the fact that in our lives, we’ll need to go through this course. But it can only break your golf spirit or make it more resolute to improve so that you will NEVER have to humiliate yourself by going into this course ever again in your life….except with your wife or kids.

The bad thing is that it could be so much better…as a par 3 course, to be really well maintained and fun to play for the family. As it is, due to zero maintenance and just a don’t care attitude from the management, this Guthrie Course has likely descended into the realms of the AAC category.

The good: Travel time; the lawlessness means you can play with your pants down; reasonable pricing where you can press down like Petaling Street.

The bad: Boy. Everything on the course basically. Look, if a fish is willing to sacrifice to get himself out of the pond to escape this course, why are we even paying to play there? Get OUT of this Guthrie course immediately!!!!

The skinny: 8 of 40 divots (20%). Wow, this course just managed to escape the AAC status. Probably due to the travel time, that saved its neck. But seriously, if you’re looking to play this course, try to search for alternative activities, like growing germaniums or putting your head into an aquarium full of piranhas. You will have more fun in doing those.

Guthrie Golf Academy Information

Guthrie Golf Academy
No 2A, Pesiaran B, Seksyen U8,
Bukit Jelutong,
40150 Shah Alam
Selangor
Contact no: +603-7846 3505

Our previous review of Saujana had it at 75%, pretty short of the 90% required for the DAGTH (Died and Gone to Heaven) category, which as of now, none of the golf courses in Malaysia have achieved.

And finally, having just stepped foot in Mines Resort, Gilagolf finally came upon one of the elusive courses of all: Palm Course of the Saujana, otherwise known as the COBRA. I’m actually not sure why it’s called the Cobra, I guess because it’s snaky, or poisonous, or slithery, but you know golf commentators, they really suck at nicknames.

So anyways, I was invited there by a good friend of mine, who was a VIP of the club (somehow through my wayside travels, I will chance upon a VIP here and there), and he needed company for a round and was willing to subsidise the green fee, without which, I would most likely have to pawn off my Tag, seeing that that my income has been severely reduced.

Due to the invitation and probably a flight of prestigious character, I had to cut back my photography spree at the risk of being mistaken for paparazzi and chased off the course with a 7-iron. Hence, the pictures here aren’t that great, but it will have to do.

Travel (5/5)

Aw, you know how to get there. It’s Saujana! Check my previous post here.

Price (3/5)

After complaining so much about the mythical 400RM green fee of Mines (which so far has yet to be disputed), RM280 ain’t so bad for weekday golf (it balloons to RM400 over the weekend). I was heavily subsidized and even with that, I was forking out 3 figures, so you can imagine.

But then again, pricing against the experience of the course. This is the course where Malaysia Open plays, this is where the British Open qualifiers are. In the case of Malaysian courses, this is as prestigious as prestigious gets. Is it worth RM280 green fee? Well, we complain everything is too expensive, but at the end, this is Saujana Cobra. It’s a whole different kettle of fish. Adding buggy fee and insurance, the price would be RM320 or so. Just try not to get a caddy or you’ll end up tipping more.

After going through the course, you know you will only play if its subsidized, or there is a tourney invite….but due to its prestige, it gets a 3/5 for pricing.

First thoughts

What can you say? Standing at the first tee, I’m just wondering to myself, hey, I’m standing where Anthony Kim stood a couple of months back when he came for the Malaysian Open. Cool.

I’ve gone for golf tournaments before and stood 3 rows deep at the side watching Prom Meesawat rattle his tee shot at the magnificent par 5 18^th and wondered, darn, could I have outdrove him? You know Prom, aka the Big Dolphin, right? He’s like this big teddy bear that lumbers around the course and plays like a god. He’s an inspiration to everyone sporting a belly (which is 99.99% of all casual golfers in Malaysia), that to be cool at golf, all you need is a good pair of sunglasses. Go, Prom!

No, but I came close with a 250m drive past the two fairway bunkers. The amazing thing was I still managed to screw up the hole, it’s just amazing.

Service (4/5)

I don’t have much experience with the service since I didn’t use their caddy, it was just our flight. I think it would be unfair to base it on my previous experience with Saujana, so I’m bumping it a +1 from our Bunga Raya review, just because this is the Cobra and we feel like Prom Meesawat, belly and all.

Fairways(4/5)

Come on, Saujana, you just shot yourself in the foot to attain DAGTH status! Anything less than perfect will screw up your score. Try as I might, I still found the fairways wanting. I mean, it certainly feels ok, but I recall one hole where my drive landed on the fairway and I saw a bit of bald patch on it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still very good, but not as immaculate as say Tropicana when I played on it the other day.

But Saujana is certainly challenging, each hole having its own character, and even the fairways, reminiscent of Rahman Putra, the same way a Maserati resembles a Proton Waja only by the fact that it has four wheels; the fairways are undulating, snaking its way around the former palm oil plantation. In other words, its not just a matter of landing the ball on the fairway, something we seem incapable of doing; it’s also landing where on the fairway.

Greens (4/5)

Again, a little disappointed with the greens in Saujana. We played on very slow greens, it was almost as if it wasn’t pressed and at one time it was so frustrating, to see your ball rolling to the hole only for it to careen off target by a little bump near the hole. As far as the condition of the greens, I’d say it wasn’t its best, so it loses a divot here.

But ah, the challenge of the greens. It’s absolutely fascinating to watch your ball go through several breaks and dip down a slope so fast, a slight touch is enough to send the ball to the outer limits of the fringe. Saujana greens are devilish, and requires the utmost precision to play. I three putted several holes and finally resorted to landing short and just chip and putt.

Rough (5/5)

Ah, now we’re talking. The rough, as Saujana rough goes are the toughest. The grass catches your club, snagging it and making your seven iron look like a piece of stubby wood. It’s punishable by death. I am overlooking the slight wetness of the bunkers due to rain the day before, because it still played well.

Case in point, my playing partner teed up to the right on the final hole 9^th (we started back 9). It was a good one, but unfortunately on the slope. Instead of playing it out and taking his medicine, he decided to go for it at an awkward angle, with the ball almost at his waist height due to the slope. He was essentially swinging an axe.

One swing, the ball hopped and moved backwards. This guy is a low teen handicapper and he had just whiffed the ball. He claimed his iron was snagged by the grass and he lost his swing plane. Second swing and blam, shank, it’s still in the hill. Third and SHANK! It goes to the top of the hill.

Fourth shot out and rolled into a drain about 50 metres off the green. Fifth penalty. Sixth he sends it back of the green in deep rough. Seventh, chipped out, flew past the hole and almost greenside bunker. Eight chipped too far. Nine, missed, and folded with a 10, on a par 4. Boom. He still shot 92 with that 10, so imagine if he hadn’t screw up.

Aesthetics (5/5)

What can we say? While Bunga Raya was nice enough, crossing over to the palm, it’s easy to get blown away. We’re talking about a major character here on this course. This is like the Tom Cruise of Golf Courses in Malaysia. Compare it with, say, UPM or Nilai Springs, which are essentially like Awang Bin Amri or Lim Chin Ho. Don’t know who the heck these guys are? They are bit actors in Cerekerama and a few Chinese Series. I just made up their names, but that just further strengthens my point: Saujana Palm blows these sorry excuse of golf courses away. BLAM!

It’s a mixture of water, undulation, palm trees, jungle vegetation, wide fairways, narrow fairways, big/small greens. It’s like a Bollywood movie. It has everything! Dance, songs, fights, comedy, drama, thriller, horror, politics, love…the whole she-bang. The par 5 13^th has an elevated tee shot that overlooks a very reachable green in 2. A great drive and a great 3 wood to clear the water and you’re there.

Hole 14 is the toughest on the course because it is narrow and long, and filled with well-meaning bunkers. Well meaning to mash up your balls! Golf balls, that is.

I really like the 17^th. I hit (finally) a perfect tee sailing from right to left and landed only about 40 meters away. It’s an extreme L shape dogleg left, with water on the left side. As for the 18^th, this was where I watched Prom whacked the heck out of his golf ball during the Malaysian Open in 2007. As I was standing there, I hit a great tee shot about 250m, hit a crappy 7 about 100m and then hit the shot of my life with my six to 5 feet pin high. In my joy, I proceeded to miss the dang birdie putt but at least ended a rough nine with two pars.

The par 3 second is both beautiful and vicious. It’s like that bad girl in GI Joe, who looks hot and ultra bad. Or Zhang ZiYi in Rush Hour 2. Or AnakSunamon in the Mummy. Take your pick.

It’s a moderately long hole, 172 yards, but anything short, you have bunkers or it will roll down a 45 degree gradient into the jungle. Anything long and you got an adventure coming back because the green has an extreme drop off and yes, the hole is located at the bottom of the drop off. I hit long (thinking it was 172 metres) and by a stroke of luck, managed to hit my 60 degree soft, landed on the edge and trickled into the green….and it rolled, and rolled…and rolled and rolled….and rolled. YIKES! No wonder it was dubbed the most difficult hole in the country!

Most of the holes have their own character and beauty, so pick your favourite hole. With Saujana Palm, it’s an obvious 5/5 for aesthetics.

Fun Factor (5/5)

Where to start? Teeing off at 10, it’s a wide nice fairway but the small bunker traps any hookers that stray too near the left side. My first par came on the 12^th, where a stray tee shot was recovered from the thick rough.  The very next hole is the reachable par 5 which I proceeded to butcher it with excess force.

The par 4 4^th is also reachable from the tee if you hit massive, a dogleg left with water flanking the side. The elevation gives you a good view to strategise. Our strategy has been perfected for every par-4 and par-5:

Smart Golfer inner voice: Hey man, this is short hole, just lay it up with a 3 or 5 wood and you have a full 8-iron in. You’re hitting your eight iron well, man.

Me: Hmm, that’s right, inner voice. Maybe I should —

Stupid, egoistical Golfer inner voice: Eh, dumbo, you pay so much for driver to leave in bag issit? See, the other fella also take out driver mah, after you no face leh. Might as well tee off ladies tee lah, play so chicken.

Me: Darn, you’re right, stupid, egoistical inner voice! Smart Golfer inner voice, I banish you forever! DRIVER!

And I hammered the ball straight into the water. Yaay.

Anyway, you get the gist of it. I know golf is supposed to be with people who make it fun but I am thoroughly convinced that if I were to play alone in Saujana palm, I’d still have one of the most enjoyable game ever. It’s a course that interacts with you, because there’s so much thinking to be done. Obviously, we are not the thinking type which is reflected in our ballooning scores but ah heck, maybe another day.

Conclusion

Saujana Palm, aka Cobra gets two thumbs and two big toe up from us. We generally hate courses that blow their own trumpet (please see review on Bukit Unggul), but after hacking away the premium course in Malaysia, I can safely say: this is the best course we’ve played so far. If you can afford it, or you know someone willing to subsidise or you have a choice of clubs to choose from for your company event (charged to your company of course), choose Saujana Palm. If not, sell a kidney in the blackmarket. Either way, you gotta play this course.

The good: Great, great character. Every hole is an adventure, and the game will definitely end too quickly for you on this course. The rough is challenging and the undulating greens and fairways will definitely give you a little fit or two.

The bad: Pricing obviously, but if you had a choice between Mines and Saujana, hands down, take the latter. We also caught Saujana palm on a moderately bad day on fairways and greens, as the condition wasn’t immaculate.

The skinny: 35 of 40 divots (87.5%). Argh! One more divot for the elusive DAGTH!!! This definitely wasn’t predetermined because I really thought this course will be the one to get it. What do we need for DAGTH, Pebble Beach?!

Saujana – Palm (Cobra) Score Card

Saujana GCC Information

Address:

Saujana Golf And Country Club
P.O. Box 8148, Kelana Jaya,
46783 Petaling Jaya,
Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia

Contact: +603-78461466

Fax: +603-78467818

Email: golf@saujana.com.my

Website: http://www.saujana.com.my/

I used to work around Sri Kembangan area, and every morning I’d drive on the highway looking over the mining lake at the green grass of Mines Resort and Golf Club, and often wondered when will I ever make enough cash per month to actually go and play there, since I heard that the green fees are exorbitant. Now there are a few reasons to that:

1)      Tiger Woods played there before for the World Cup Golf 1999. Lots of pictures of him around the club. So many in fact, I think the local Church of Tiger Woods hold their mass here and light candles and sing songs for him. Creepy. I don’t think he’s coming back, Church of Tiger Woods.

2)      Robert Trent Jones designed that course. If you don’t know who he is, well, be like me and Wiki him. All golfers should have some knowledge of these designers so at least we can pretend that we know more about the game than just destroying golf courses.

3)      By pricing it astronomically, it will discourage world class hacks like this writer to decapitate the course, therefore, saving millions on course maintenance fees. Seems like a sound business model, except the only players on a typical weekday on that course are the native gerbils and the occasional squirrel.

The last I know about the green fee was about RM400 per person. Now I believe this is a myth. I don’t know how anyone would be psycho enough to fork 400 bucks to pay for 18 holes, unless it’s St Andrews, Pebble Beach, Augusta or TPC Sawgrass. Definitely not me. I don’t think any of you reading this article as well, unless you earn in USD. In which case, maybe you can donate some cash to me for me to continue reviewing courses?

How I got there? I suddenly I found myself there, invited for a closed tournament to raise charity. Since I didn’t need to cough up the dough, I was more than willing to take a look at the mythical Mines Resort and Golf Club.

Travel (3/5)

You basically want to get to the Palace of the Golden Horses in Mines. To get there, there are 2 good ways to get there: from the North South highway and from the Bukit Jalil highway.

1)      North-South: Get to the North South highway. For gila readers, you should be as familiar with this highway as you are familiar with your own mother. Serious. This is the gateway to all your golfing paradise. Once on the highway, keep left, you want to turn up the mines flyover before the toll. Look for signs on the left to the Palace of the Golden Horses. By the way, the this is a hotel, not some kind of massage parlour as the name might suggest. Follow the turnoff and you’ll end up in a mini roundabout. Take a 3 o’clock and keep left. You DON’T want to turn down to the Sg Besi Highway again or you’ll have a first hand experience of the brainless way Malaysian roads are made, with the only U-turn 50 kilometres away. Take a left instead and you’ll see the hotel on the right. Just follow along the road and you’ll eventually reach Mines Resort and Golf.

2)      The Bukit Jalil highway: Take the LDP from PJ heading towards Sunway. Pass the Sunway toll, head straight, go by Kinrara and Bukit Jalil all the way. You’ll see Astro HQ on the left and hit the mini roundabout we spoke about.

Along the way, don’t be distracted with those houses that look like clubhouses. These are actually private residence, no doubt put there with the express purpose to make us mid-class citizens feel bad about our little terrace homes. I’d like to tee up a driver right at their windows.

Price(0/5)

Before we even start to talk about the course, the myth of RM400 green fees, unfortunately has not been dispelled. As mentioned, I had a free pass that day and after the game, I was just too darn tired to go up to the counter and ask for pricing. All I know was that a member had to bring you in, and you still had to donate a kidney to play here. If someone does confirm that mines costs RM400 for green fees, we’re going to dip it down to negative. As such, we’re willing to be as unbiased as possible and give it just 0. A positive 0, based on unfounded rumours, just like all the articles in our Star Newspaper and New Straits Times. This is what journalist call, creative integrity.

First thoughts

For the price you pay, you have certain expectations. Face it, that’s how life is. You pay RM10k for a Proton Tiara, you’d perceive it as a piece of junk, which it is. 200K for a BMW, you expect it to perform. If that 200K BMW performs like a junk, you get pissed off. If that Tiara performs like a junk, you’re glad it’s performing at all. Actually, 10K will be too much to pay for the Tiara.

Bear in mind, at RM400 green fees (again, stand to be corrected), you want something mind blowing. Something that takes Saujana and Tropicana and KGNS and spit on them. Something that ranks up there with Pebble Beach or at least gives you an indication that you are some Saudi oil magnate coming to play. You are the king, it has to be something that’s so darn special, you want to take some grass with you, some sand from the bunker and preserve it for your children.

So it was rather strange, standing on the 13^th tee (we had a shotgun start) and seeing the grass is just grass, the sand is just sand. In other words: what the heck is the big deal??

Service (3/5)

We had 2 caddies for our flight. Unfortunately, I always seem to end up with the apprentice. The guy wasn’t that bad (not in looks, I mean in reading the greens), but wasn’t extremely good as well, unlike the other guy hanging out with the other twosome in the other buggy. He read the first green well and I promptly sunk a par putt to start things off. Things began to derail from the 18^th (my 5^th hole) onwards, when I sunk in a 10. In a tournament, a 10 means certain death. I mean 10! What the heck! Although that’s probably 99% my fault, still, I had to blame someone, so the caddy gets it.That wasn’t too bad, but on the second, fourth and ninth, I had easy putts that were read wrongly and lipped out. I can’t remember if I didn’t listen to him, or he didn’t offer me good advice. Either way, we had to fork out 60 bucks for his service.

Still, we’re giving a three because Mines is generally well known for good service. They attend to you, tag your bags properly and generally do what a RM400 green fee course should be doing. And the changing room is pretty good. I wanted to take a picture of it, but was afraid that they might jail me for indecent pictures of fat, naked men walking around after golf.

Fairways (4/5)

Ah, now we’re talking.

The Bermuda turf withstood the previous night’s rain pretty well as we had very consistent fairways throughout. It still wasn’t as nice as Tropicana’s in comparison, but it had a carpet-like quality to it, and the drainage was very good. We still managed to mutilate this nice sheet of green blanket with our lousy play but hey, at least it was good while it lasted.

Greens (4/5)

The greens, likewise were almost perfect. There were a few holes that were patchy, but I’d attribute it to traffic over the day, since we had close to 10 flights, which is probably the same amount that visited this place last year.

I found the green pretty straightforward, without the extreme up and downs or trickiness of Saujana…its only my darn problem that I can’t get the ball in! Darn you caddy!!

Rough (3/5)

I had no issues with the rough but the bunkers weren’t optimum, with the sand hard packed enough to use pitching wedge to dig in. I was having quite a time with my wedge, especially on the 17^th when I pitched in. Normally, hard packed sand would be deemed passable but not when you have a reputation of being the most expensive golf club in Malaysia! I want that fluffy white sand that when you hit it, it comes out in a cloud of white powdery dust!

Aesthetics (4/5)

Throughout the game, Mines offers a lot of wow. As in, Wow, haven’t I seen this before? Sure! Just head to Clearwaters! The par 4 12^th especially with the lake on the left and a slight dogleg left, brings to mind one of the holes with similar set up in Clear waters. I realize that there’s only so much one can do with a golf course before the design starts repeating but hey, if I can recall this, it must really be quite common, since I have a memory of a dingbat.

The lake really puts a lot of beauty to it, but I wish there were a little more variety, but this is a mining course, so don’t expect a whole lot of trees surrounding it. The par 3s are generally quite pretty, I liked the 7^th hole, where the green is ensconced in a little U shape dell, with bushes all around it. Hit it too hard, left or right and it’s into snake land.

Fun Factor (4/5)

It’s quite impossible not to have fun in a tournament with 10 flights and a shotgun start. I started off pretty well from 13^th, with par on the first hole and 4 bogeys, including one pitched in. I unraveled on the 18^th with a 10 on a par 5 after shanking 2 balls into deep woods. Let’s see: first shot hit a tree. Second shot tried to slice it around, ended up shanking. Third is on a slope, shank again. (Ever noticed once you start shanking you’re pretty much SCREWED?) Fourth one, decided to play out, hit the darn tree, still in rough. Fifth one pitched out. Sixth one pitched to the green, over. $#*#(@!! Chip back, roll past hole to fringe for 7. Eight, aggressive putt, missed hole. Ninth, easy 4 footer downhill missed. Ended with bloody 10.

I played 4 bogeys after, then went on a par-birdie-par before double bogeying the 8^th and 12^th (my last hole) after horrendous tee shots.

One thing about mines was that it really allowed you to recover your shots. There’s not much OB except for the occasional jungle lying up the sides, but you could easily avoid that by aiming to the other side. Now, that is a real genius advice, isn’t it?

Conclusion

There’s really no way to win anything by pricing green fees so high. The overwhelming feeling we had when we left the place was: it’s a nice course, interesting holes, great maintenance, but would it be worth the price of admission? Probably not. This was probably the first and only time we’ll be coming to Mines Resort and Golf. It’s better to use the money and go Saujana or something. Or Tropicana or even KGNS.

The good: Great greens, fairway in good shape even after downpour; pretty easily accessible.

The bad: Price. We’ll need to confirm it but if it’s really RM400 or so, it’s just too crazy to pay for a round of 18. Especially when the course doesn’t have that great a character. Better to travel further and play at Clearwaters.

The skinny: 25 of 40 divots (62.5%).

I remember when I first heard of  KGSAAS, one of my friends pronounced it as Kampung SAAS. In Malaysia, the typical short name for kampung is exactly that: Kg. We like to shorten a lot of words in this country, it makes life easier when we don’t have to pronounce meaningful, whole names.

So for a while, idiocy was passed down and I, like an idiot, always associated KGSAAS as one of the backwater, piece of junk course we have in our country. After all, with a name like Kampung Saas, what sort of course are we actually looking at.

It wasn’t until recently that I was corrected by my merciless golf mates that KGSAAS actually means Kelab Golf Sultan Abdul Aziz Shah, which I think is an even worse name to give a golf club. Seriously, nothing against the guy, but why is it that we have to name everything from airports to clubs to roads after a king whom nobody alive today even remembers how he looks like? Who is this guy? In fact, who’s the guy who’s on our Malaysia ringgit? Is he SAAS?

Note: I think I have to label a “CONTOH” whenever we publish a picture of money, but since this is a link to wikipedia, I’ll let those wiki fellows handle it. I just found out that the king is Tuanku Abdul Rahman, our first king. He should obviously not be confused by Tunku Abdul Rahman, our first prime minister. Wow! I can just imagine the confusion of foreigners when they come: The only difference between our king and prime minister is the letter ‘a’. Imagine the presents and gifts and golf bags that gets mixed up between them.

This similar naming is actually a serious issue. Our old airport was named after Sultan Abdul Aziz Shah and it wasn’t until recently that we knew about it when a poor foreign pilot attempted to pronounced the name by going, “We are now in Seltan Abdul Azeeez Sah International Airport…” and by this time, we were already out of the plane, and in the airport. See ya, poor foreign pilot who is forced to pronounced the real name of our beloved “Subang Airport”! Ay Caramba!

So anyways, back to KGSAAS. Now that we are cleared about this naming issue, away we go!

Travel (3/5)

Ok, travel is slightly tricky.

As expected, the official website has absolutely no maps at all leading you to their website. The best bet is to either head to google maps and google the place or use a GPS, which seems to be in fashion this day, and which one day may render this section of our review blissfully irrelevant.

Anyways, to make it simple: Coming from the federal highway, head all the way pass subang and exit after the Batu Tiga Toll.  Take the next exit (which is the Subang Hi Tech exit, for all the techies who has been banished there one time or another during our techie careers). Take a right, and you will be on the road leading to Bukit Jelutong. It’s called Jalan Subang (see, imagine the name Jalan Sultan Abdul Aziz Shah, and the amount of wasted metal and paint needed to create the signs!)

Head straight till you see a sign to say turn off left to the Stadium. It’s the first left. You will enter into a road with the majestic (and largely useless) Shah Alam Stadium to your right. Just go along till you reach a round about, and take 3 o’clock. Just keep heading straight and look for the road Jalan Kelab Golf. I think it’s like the 4^th left turn or something. You will turn right into KGSAAS.

Price (1/5)

The problem with the “Big 3″ is the pricing and the exclusivity. What’s the big 3? These are the 3 subang courses, very well reviewed by many other sites, but which, in my humble opinion stinks a little, because they are largely inaccessible. KGNS is expensive. Glenmarie won’t allow walk ins and they are expensive. KGSAAS, taking the cue from the other two more well known courses, decided to get into the ’slaughter-the-walkins’ program.

We played on a weekday afternoon as walkins. It was RM150. We ended up paying RM30 for our caddie so, per person, I forked out RM165. Ouch. I mean, that has gotta hurt. And is it a special course? Well, to be real honest with you: Not really. It kinda reminded me of Bukit Kemuning for some reason.

First thoughts

Oops, I preempted myself. Yes, it’s a little like Bukit Kemuning, in a good way. It’s nice and broad. I like. It’s awesome when you see a nice, generous fairway in front of you on the first hole.

Until, you proceed to push the ball so far right, it snaps a tree branch and drops like 70 metres in front of you.

For some strange reason, I’ve been playing like a blind baboon for the past few games. I either snap hook it or push it way right. In this case, I snapped hook my second shot to the fringe, pitched to 10 feet and brushed my par putt to the right. Started ok, but with a swing resembling Frankenstein on ecstasy, I knew I was in for a long day.

Service (2/5)

Ok, frankly, the caddie sucked. I hate to sound as if  I’m just finger pointing for shooting 95, but why do we pay for caddies? For them to lose balls for us? For the first five holes, I was actually doing reasonably well, thanks to some unworldly putting to overcome my embarrassing drives (which were ok, because of the wide fairways). I was +4, and then my entire game unraveled over one incident. I pushed my tee shot right to a clump of trees. Caddie says, “Can find!” and no, not really. She couldn’t. In fact she didn’t help me look. She just kinda hung around the shade, in the buggy, till I told her to come and look. By then the back flight was on us and I had to take a 2 stroke penalty, hit the green in 5 and two putted for my triple. Same thing in the next hole, where I had to discover the ball on my own.

Of course, it’s really not entirely her fault that I was taking a beating from a relatively easy course, but you know at least, help find a few balls!

Fairways (4/5)

Ah, now we see what the fuss is about.

Bombers will have a rollicking time here. The fairways are inviting, broad and well manicured. Sure, it wasn’t in the best of shapes, but still, most of the holes pretty much invited you with the driver and when you snap hooked it, you end up in the forest, OB. It’s deceptive in that manner. I like the Par 5 12^th, which you can reach in 2. A good drive pops you down to a generous hilly fairway and a 3 wood should end up making it.

Greens (4/5)

The greens played exceptionally well. We couldn’t really read the speed right, but the one thing about KGSAAS was that they have huge greens. And table top on the first nine. We generally like table top greens as much as we like having our nose hair yanked out, so it’s a pretty harrowing experience. I had a few instances where a decent ball from me (a decent ball now means a ball with a slight hook and not veering to the left and killing a mockingbird), landed on the slope at the side of the green and careened into the rough. In fact, I had a few decent 120-140metre shots that were so pretty good but bounded off the table tops. Other shots were pathetic, so it won’t matter whether they were table top or bowl shape or whatever.

Rough (3/5)

Not so awesome.

I’m saying not because I spent my entire game hitting from the rough (I hit a total of 4 fairways!), I’m saying because it’s unfair. I can’t find my dang balls. True, I had a half blind, lazy caddie, but you know, it’s frustrating when you know that it landed but then it’s lost. And don’t say I suck and don’t deserve to find my balls. Everyone deserves a second chance, especially a duck hooking guy who struggles to bogeys most holes. The good bit was the bunkers were very well maintained…which goes a long way impressing us. (See our take on Kinrara and Bukit Unggul for bunker nightmares)

Aesthetics (3/5)

Perhaps I spent too much time looking for balls or playing from the rough, but I didn’t really notice anything about KGSAAS that really stood up that made you go: WOOOW! It’s more like, ok, here we go, get this thing on the fairway and move on. It’s wide, open and not really hilly. Can’t really place the characteristic of the course, but it’s pleasant without being bewitching or too plain. It’s like my Nissan Sentra, you know, pretty functional, lopsided to good looking, not great looking, and having a pretty good mileage on it.

Fun Factor (3/5)

Ah, the most subjective part of our already subjective review. Did I have fun? Here’s how I started: 4 bogeys and a par to start the game. Not bad right? I mean, here’s a rusty swing.

Then the caddie fiasco occurred on hole 6 and here’s how it went:

Triple-Double-Bogey-Double-Triple-Double.

+13 over 6 holes!

Yes, I’m whining.

Yes, I know the caddie probably had about 0.001% to do with my +13.

Yes, I know I am not getting popular by stating this.

But it’s still partly her fault!

Managed to steady the boat in the final 4 holes with +1 over them. But the damage was done over that 6 hole stretch.

But a few other flight mates had good fun on some holes, including near miss birdies. It’s a course where you definitely can have fun because once your drive is on fire, you can just take out this course like a sniper in a room full of buffaloes.

Conclusion

KGSAAS, despite of its unfortunate sounding name, is a course I’d like to play in again. It’s a great, open course, and someone who can bomb drives will eat off his competitors like hyenas on a mother hippo (as you can see, my similes are deteriorating to a point of no return). The first obstacle needs to be crossed: that extreme price tag. Your options are really to:

1)      Get a membership here (which might work in the long run)

2)      Start betting big bucks and hope you win

3)      Sell your kidney or liver

Special Note: Lostangel kindly commented on the pricing below:

“Dude, they have the infamous ‘Monday Special’, for weekdays…its about RM80 plus per person I believe….I just played there 2 weeks ago.”

So that gives us the fourth, which is probably the best option: PLAY ON MONDAY! You’ll probably need to call in sick or utilise one of the 1001 excuses from the Lame-Excuse-For-Ponteng-Work book; but at RM80, it’s a very good deal.

Thanks, Mr. Angel!

The good: Great, wide fairways; well manicured greens and good bunkers; challenging table top greens demands accurate approaches.

The bad: The price is borderline insanity…wait, no, it’s officially insanity; caddies are next to useless if you get the bad ones; unfair rough; so-so looks.

The skinny: 23 of 40 divots (57.5%). If we can only get past the crazy pricing, this is a course to return to. It’s also a great introduction to rich, wealthy beginners who can pay for the fee, because the wide fairways are heaven for those poor drivers like me. Wait, we can go to Bukit Kemuning for a lot cheaper. Onward Bukit Kemuning!

KGSAAS Scorecard

KGSAAS Information

Address:

Kelab Golf Sultan Abdul Aziz Shah
No.1, Rumah Kelab,
Jalan Kelab Golf 13/6,
40100 Shah Alam,
Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia.

Contact: +603-55128853

Fax: +603-55105860

Email: fiza@kgsaas.com.my

Website:http://www.kgsaas.com.my

Travel (2/5)
This is obviously a very contentious point, because if you’re from Penang or something, it’s absolutely pure insanity that you would want to drive down all the way to play on this course, as you will soon see. I mean, it’s like paying a billion dollars to buy a Preda, Louis Vitton or a Gutci handbag, and those are the correct spelling. Or a Rollex, Tag Higher or Ohmega wrist watch. In other words, absolutely pure insanity.

But you know, as mentioned before, the rating system is obviously very biased in terms of convenience to the one actually writing it, and for this particular person, a drive to Bandar Utama is a breeze.

It’s one of our courses that probably don’t require a map but we’re going to put it in anyway for the sake of looking professional.

OK, so take the sprint highway heading towards the Damansara Toll (for Pj folks, that’s the one that you hit when you want to go to the airport). Go up at the Sony flyover to get into Bandar Utama, and turn right at the lights. Go straight till you see Bandar Utama College on your left, and take that turning leading to the college. On the map, it’s called Persiaran Utama.

Keep going straight, go past a few bumps, ignore the first left and take the second left, despite warning signs of danger and death. It’s going to look as if you’re going into a mining site, or some kind of POW camp, but you will emerge and see a parking lot on your right and a small little hut that passes off at the club house. Remember what we said about telling a golf course from it’s club house. Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, the Bandar Utama Golf Course.

Price (2/5)
We forked out RM53 for 9 holes, which on a prime time like Sunday morning, is pretty decent, I guess. It gets down to about 40 plus during the afternoon. It’s of course a little premium for the convenience, but we need to temper that price with how the course is, and matching price for course, it gets a below par 2. I mean, think about it, if RM53 gets us 9, RM106 gets us 18, which is more than we pay to tee up at Kinrara on a Saturday morning utilizing our AGN membership. And you know sometimes you’re fat and you stand next to a fatter guy and everyone starts thinking you’re thin? This Bandar Utama course makes us think that when we die and go to heaven, Kinrara course will be waiting for us. We begin to yearn for the course which, as we have already reviewed, is a pretty much extended copy of a moderate to frustratingly crappy course as well.

First thoughts
Ok, I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t even want to review this course in the first place, that’s why all the pictures are taken from my camera phone. It was until the second hole that I decided to review it and let you know what me and my buddies think.

First thoughts when you see the club house, especially on a weekend, is:

“Wah, so many people one ah?”

In fact, it often seems that the entire population of PJ has decided to gather on this tiny plot of land for the sole purpose of cangkuling the ground and making life a miserable, living hell for other jokers who have also gathered for the sole purpose of cangkuling and miserabling. It’s one big pile of mess, because of it’s convenience, every Tom, Dick and Sally, Aunties and construction workers are here to pitch their new found skill on this game of golf.

It’s generally a lose-lose situation here. Because as beginners, having a huge gallery looking at you is probably not the best way to get to your first tee. But you have to tee up and with sweaty palms, and knocking knees you stand over the ball which suddenly looks smaller than a plankton and you proceed to skim the ball 20 feet in front of you and embarrass your family name. This slows down the game, but there’s no way out of it, as you go on and cangkul onwards miserably. And this repeats itself as flood after flood of beginners pack the starting tee.

And as long as we are here, we’re all beginners, so there’s really no point in getting overly frustrated over the lack of skill displayed.

Service(1/5)
OK, the service sucked. Signing in is easy itself, but we had to wait additional 40 minutes because they ran out of buggy. I mean, ok, fine, I get it, your course is so popular than all your buggies are snapped up by 730. So, if you come at 8:30 am, you’re in deep crap because you don’t have buggy and you have to wait till at least 945 for the first flight to complete.

We thankfully came about 9:15 ish so it wasn’t too long before we haggled over a buggy and drove off to Tee 1. The buggies are new, which begs the question of “Who the heck is investing into this forsaken place anyways?”

On Tee 1, it gets worse. You will see a long line of buggies in front of you. And because these are typically beginners, no one has any idea of any ethics. There was a flight in front of us with 2 people. And in front of them, a flight with 2 people. And in front of them was a fourball.

What’s the rule here?

The two balls join together right? I mean, balls here mean the flights, because my statement there might get some of the more depraved readers chuckling. Two guys just say “Hi, can we join you” and make a fourball and everyone  gets moving along.

But due to the lack of governance on the course, and the obvious lack of any marshal whatsoever, all rules are thrown out the window. The two marsupials in front of us absolutely did everything in their power to avoid eye contact with us, who threw them dirty looks and when one of us said aloud: “Gee, wouldn’t it be nice if it was all fourball instead of two balls, right?” they pretended they were Micronesians who didn’t speak a word of English.

I mean, come on, would it kill you to say hi and join the darn flight in front? Would it kill you to actually learn a little about golf ethics? Would it really kill you if for once in your life, you become a little more considerate and stop making life a miserable, living hell for the rest of the PJ population waiting for you to get out of the way?

Fairways (0/5)
From here on, be prepared for a free fall down hill. With that amount of golf newbies on a course with 9 holes, there is absolutely no way that the fairways can even resemble anything close to a golf turf. Most of the time you’ll find your ball either stuck in mud or simply sitting on a patch of sand. In fact, we recommend you steal a driving range turf and just carry it around with you and use it, because with the ground blasted to bits by relentless golf clubs coming too steep, it resembles Omaha Beach on D-Day.

Also, aside from hole 1,3 and 5, the rest of the fairways are forbiddingly narrow. It’s not due to the intelligence of the designer, but rather the limitation of the land. Like its big brothers Seri Selangor and Monterez, BU Course is another reason why so many beginners give up the game in the first place, after losing 60 balls into oblivion.

Greens(1/5)
The greens fare slightly better, but it’s not to say it’s good. It’s just better than the fairways. The greens are not pressed or maintained, so it’s just there, with different speeds, mainly excruciatingly slow and unpredictable. There are a few undulations or interesting greens like the massive one at the par 5 third. Or it can resemble a temporary green like the one on the 4th. Needless to say, I have never seen a green mower in my life in BU course, so I am guessing that they train gerbils to nibble away and trim the greens to its current, low grade condition.

Rough(-1/5)
I can only post up these pictures of horror for your viewing.

The problem with BU is that it seems to be in construction all the time. If it’s not one condo, it’s another office block. It generates a foul stench, especially at the unplayable second. And come on, look at this piece of crap. You’re kidding me.

It gets better as you ‘cross over’ to the 4th (literally, you need to cross over the road), but the same soggy ground is prevalent. Your ball goes into the rough, it’s bye bye. It’s either plugged or stolen by those darn maintenance gerbils.

Aesthetics(2/5)
Why do we give this a 2, despite everything points to a -10?

To be fair, if you can get past the second hole, BU course can pass off as an acceptable looker. The same way as how any normal human with 2 eyes, 2 ears, a nose and a mouth will generally not draw gasps of disgust, BU course is typically a narrow, constipated, forest surrounding course, with very typical scenes. The ugliness is in the construction around it.

To be fair, they’ve made some changes in terms of beautifying the place, by placing proper embankment on the par 5 3rd. They also seem to be investing to build a community center with swimming pool at the side of hole 1. Without a side net however and one of our group promptly shanked his second shot into the currently unoccupied pool.

And to be also fair, the par 5 3rd is quite a good challenge. A good drive puts you about 180 from the green but you need to float up a 3 wood over water to an almost inaccessible green with water in front, right and back. A small bailout is to the left but pull it, it lands into water.

The par 5 sixth is also reachable in 2. It’s a curious hole with a cliff on the left for your wayward balls to rebound from into the fairway. In fact, in our flight, two guys careened their balls from the walls safely onto the fairway. Mine also pulled but landed inside a bush instead. Bollocks!

Of course, the signature is the par 3 seventh. It’s an extremely elevated tee box looking over the next two holes. It’s quite enjoyable but serious hard work in gauging the distance and keeping your ball from yanking left to OB. It’s also OB right, with a pond in front, and a steep drop off to the back.

A lot of people overshoot the green because it states like 165m or something. In fact, go for your 150m club, like your 7 and you’ll get it on safely. This is pretty much the saving grace of the entire course. Feel free to pile in 3-4 balls to the green while you’re here, because after this, it’s going through the slog again.

Fun Factor(1/5)
Fun? Nobody has fun in Bandar Utama Course. Due to its constipated heritage, it’s sheer torture to go through it and also to watch those marsupials in front of you go through it because they take so long to look for their darn ball. In fact, the flight in front of us actually went into the construction site searching for balls. I mean, are your balls studded with Tiffany diamond rings or something? Golf balls, I mean.

This course also carries the distinction of a 9 hole course that takes an 18 hole duration to play. We teed up about 9:45 and finished almost at 12:30 pm. It took us an hour plus to just slog through the first three holes. They should advertise it: “Make your 9 holes feel like 18 holes!” Half the time you will spend waiting, ball juggling, playing chor tai tee, watching movie on your ipod video or generally wondering how you could have spent your morning sleeping instead of standing in a stinking golf course waiting for the fellas in front of you to hit their diamond studded balls.

In our group the two beginners had their share of joy when one hit the flag pole to get a par and the other bombed a 25 footer through sheer luck to get his birdie on the par 4 eight. He leapt up and screamed in joy, as if he scored the winning goal in the world cup, and finally started smiling, after shooting about 110 on the first six holes.

Conclusion
Despite of it being graded a complete waste of time and money, it escapes the dreaded AAC (Absolutely Astoundingly Crap) grading due to its location. Like it or not, people and us included will probably return now and then to play it because of its convenience and the fact that it’s the course that all beginners will start with. It sucks, but that’s life right. You most likely will enjoy it as much as having your wisdom tooth extracted with a BOSCH drill, but if you last to the par 3 seventh, then at least you can have some fun there.

But once you are a decent player, or once you record your first par and birdie, make arrangements to flee the place. Consider yourself graduated and look forward to a lifelong struggle with more worthwhile courses like Kinrara or Bangi or Seri Selangor.

The good: Location, location, location. Also par 3 seventh signature hole is worth playing a few times; the de facto beginner’s course, so most people will forgive you for hacking the ground to death and playing like a complete nut.

The bad: Boy, there’s a lot. Wait time is crazy; no governance on course; no golf ethics; stinking fairways; absolutely awful rough; and be prepared to lose a dozen balls or so, so please take all the old driving range balls and use them, and keep your diamond studded balls at home.

The skinny: 10 of 40 divots (25%). If you just started golf, you can’t escape this. It’s like ragging, a rude welcome to the game of golf. You won’t enjoy it but you will need to go through it and get stronger as you level up, like World of Warcraft. Once graduated, don’t look back to this heinous piece of course ever again…unless you need to accompany other beginners.