Glenmarie. We never thought Gilagolf would ever step into the sacred grounds of the top 3 golf courses around the Subang/Shah Alam territory: KGNS, KGSAAS and Glenmarie. But we were finally able to weasel our way into all of them, and here’s a good look at Glenmarie Golf Club, and two of her fabled 18: The Valley and The Gardens.

We’ll take a look at the more famed one, The Valley.

Travel (4/5)

Travel is a snap. As with all courses around this area, you wouldn’t get lost even if you had 10 shots of JDs and someone pumped you full of valium. The only problem here is the jam. Subang area is notorious for jams. I mean, have you ever tried accessing subang via Federal Highway in peak hours? It’s ridiculous. You can finish watching Avatar and still not reach home. I don’t know how the Subang fellas do it. Having been through a few of it myself, I am already seeking therapy for suicidal tendencies.

Anyways, for Glenmarie, thankfully, you can access via the NKVE. Turnoff at Subang and head straight, keeping right. What you need to do is to make a U-turn right at the bottom of the road and come back up the other side.  Keep left and turn the first turning to the left. Then follow the road signs to lead you to Holiday Inn/Glenmarie Golf. You won’t miss it. Turn right at the traffic light and go all the way in, pass the hotel and you’ll arrive at Glenmarie Golf Club.

Price ( 1/5)

The price is always a giveaway for what is to come. If we pay through our nostrils, the experience better be darn good. If you’re going to charge premium, hey, play premium, and don’t play a course that turns out to be like any other course.

And for Glenmarie – Valley, here’s the cruncher: RM181 for weekday for special discount rate. Because we were organizing a tournament there, my company was given that discount to play a practice round. OK. So what the he** is the discount here? What’s the normal pricing, if already we’re down RM181??

And later on, we’ll explore, is this worth it? For now, let’s just say, I rather spend that RM181 on taking my dog for his rabies injection and buying really expensive Danish Dog Cookies for him.

First thoughts

Glenmarie, you have to give them, has a pretty impressive clubhouse. Everything looks very professional, very well done, well organized. They have their trademark blue roof club house, a huge drive way, and the car park nearby.

Of the two 18s in Glenmarie, the Valley is generally considered the more difficult one, and considered the ‘championship’ material. I don’t know who put that in the brochure, but that’s the generally accepted theme. The course gives what Jawi gave, a general feeling of expanses, which to its credit, Glenmarie exploits very well, in terms of hole design and general aesthetics. It’s not to say we like it, but these are first thoughts anyway. Until….

Service (0/5)

It’s official. Glenmarie Service SUCKS. You’d think a hotel-resort course would have top class people handling their service, but here it is:

1)      Dumping us into a different course

Having already booked and CONFIRMED an 8 am flight in Gardens, we were unceremoniously dumped into the Valley course by the reception, because there is a monthly tournament going on in the Garden. Ok, thanks. Now why on Jack Sparrow’s beard did you agree that we could use the Garden on that day, and confirmed it the day before??? Why would I want to practice on the Valley when our tournament is in the Gardens? The reception said, yeah, the Garden is easier but Valley is more challenging. My response to him was, yes, and we all look like sadistic idiots bent on abusing our own self esteem by seeking tougher golf challenges. Bring it on!As it is, we can’t even hit the darn ball straight! The point is, we booked Gardens, we play Gardens! And stop trying to convince us otherwise! It’s like we booked a flight to the Bahamas and they send us to the Amazon instead, saying it’s more challenging. The point is, we are packed for Bahamas, not bloody Amazon.

2)      No credit card machine

Ok, only for that day.  They did not accept credit cards, so they insisted on cash. Um, yeah, I carry wads of cash around me all the time, right? Wrong. They claimed the credit card machine was kaput. Do you know how inconvenient it is to get flight members to pitch in and pay in cash? Don’t they know that golfers only carry limited cash with them, so when they lose a bet, they can say, “Aiyo, no money lah”. So I had to pool money from the group, and two of them being customers. Thanks, Glenmarie, for embarrassing me in front of my customers. The least you could do, was to give some more discounts. Because of the broken machine, there was a long wait as well.

3)      Stupid Caddies

We absolutely, vehemently detest caddies that are forced on us (like in Jawi) and doesn’t even know what the green speed is. We got two of the dumbest caddies in the world. One was so grumpy that I was half afraid she would revert back to her cannibal instincts and bite off our ears for losing so many balls. One even had the gall to scold us, when we plopped an extra ball in one of the holes to practice pitching. Nobody was behind us then, so we weren’t holding up. Sure, she might have a point. Sure, it might be illegal. But, um, you are a caddy. Shut the heck up.

If I wanted someone to admonish me, I can get my mom to do it, not some strange looking person dressed in multi colored clown suit, whose primary job is to point out yardage, green details and hang on at the back of our buggies for dear life. One of them refused to take my putter for me when I putted out, instead, insisting the other caddy do it. And they even passed us wrong clubs in several instances, and give wrong breaks on greens. In fact I’m so pissed with them now, I’m reducing service to 0.

Glenmarie Golf….your service and your caddies suck.

Because of point 1), I didn’t bring my normal GilaCam, and had to take pictures using my Blackberry. This is because I’ve already taken pictures in the Gardens, and since we were supposed to play in the Gardens to today, I didn’t see the point of it. I didn’t expect the extreme stupidity of Glenmarie to send us to the Amazon when we booked for the Bahamas.

Fairways (2 /5)

So after struggling through the reception, we finally trudged onto the first tee of the valley and…was pleasantly surprise. It was a very inviting tee shot, but I promptly pushed one way right. The first experience with the useless caddy was here, where they didn’t mention there was OB on the right, thinking that we wouldn’t be hitting there. Um, welcome to my world, where balls will fly to where they are not supposed to. I managed to recover for a double, but it set the tone for the day.

The fairways, surprisingly, was not as good as the Gardens. It might be due to the downpour the day before, but there was a general lack of maintenance, as was witnessed by bare or sandy patches, along with tyre marks of probably grass cutters and so on. But the grass was just not compact together, like the ones in Tropicana or Jawi. Glenmarie needs to understand: if you are going to charge an arm and leg for your green fees, your fairways better feel better than my Kingkoil bed. Because if it’s anything short, you are going to get relegated into the dreaded Waste of Time and Money Category. What a douchebag of a course.

Greens ( 3/5)

The greens are slightly better, but again, compared to the Gardens, it’s strangely sandier and less consistent. I don’t know why. I thought The Valley is supposed to be the better course, but it’s turning into some kind of nonsensical journey for Gilagolf, because the course is playing more like Kinrara, pretending to be a Tropicana. Most of the greens was a little sandy, some fast, some slower and there was just a nightmare figuring out the speed. The contours of the greens were also very challenging, which is why we are bumping it up to 3 (we like sadistic greens, for some reason), and large, so a regulation on might actually result in a three-putt, or in one case, a four-putt and a scream of anguish.

Rough ( 3/5)

Take it here from Gilagolf. You will spend most of your waking hour in The Valley in the bunker. There are a total of 1,156 bunkers on the green (this is not verified, we just need an independent auditor to go and count it). The entire course is literally littered with bunkers. I think I’ve hit more than 10 bunkers (fairway and greenside) on my way to an explosive score of 101. This would make an interesting challenge, except the bunkers behave differently. Some are hard packed, some are not so. Some sand is wet, others dry on top, wet under. And so on. And it’s not like we’re even good at getting out of bunkers. We suck at it. And yes, it’s Glenmarie’s fault that we play like drunk gerbils high on methanol.

The normal rough is ok, there’s no penalty like Saujana rough, and in this sense, we are reminded that Glenmarie is a resort course, like Bangi, only 3x more expensive.

Aesthetics (3/5)

Due to the contours of the Valley, you will see a lot of blind holes. One, this means, the caddy comes in play. And with the completely useless twits we had for caddies, we were in for a long day. More than one hole, they were completely lost, and we had to search for the balls on our own…and found them too. So on the tee box, you see…just the fairway and that’s it. It opens up from the fairway to greens along the rolling terrain, so in some instances, like the 18^th, it does gives quite a magnificent snapshot of the course, and why it’s called the Valley. Instead, if you look at it, you might think you were playing in Seremban 3 course, the course we have banished into the darkness of Gilagolf course infamy. Is the Valley pretty? It’s ok. It’s not spectacular, but it does gives some interesting vistas of the course. But everything is with a pricetag. I wouldn’t pay RM30 for a nasi lemak that tastes like a RM5 nasi lemak you know. Same thing. We can go Seremban 3, Bukit Jawi or even KGPA and be treated to similar visuals.

Fun Factor (1 /5)

Thanks to the service we were getting from the grumpy caddies, we didn’t really have a lot of fun at all. And we were a naturally fun group, you know. But one of my guys were seething when he asked for a 3 wood and the caddy gave a 5 wood. He walked halfway and found it to be wrong and had to wait again for the caddy to change. Another instance was when I hit a ball off the green and needed my 60 degree. I had to wait there for close to 5 minutes before she came with the right club for me. And to think we are paying for these clowns.

Also, the Valley is darn difficult. It’s a complete opposite from the Gardens. And I supposed, I’d like to say mentally we weren’t prepared for the Valley at all. While the gardens was generally benign, like Bangi, the Valley played like bloody Seremban 3 or something. The shift in difficulty was something we didn’t do too well with, as can be testified with our escalating scores to the hundreds. We’re not complaining based on that only of course, but hey, a Gilagolf review is very emotional based, and we don’t have a lot of data to back up our nonsensical reviews.

Granted, there was a bit of fun, when a birdie was dropped by one of the guys, but the overall experience wasn’t great, and at the end of the game, we were just waiting to knock off and go for lunch. Always a bad sign for a course.

Conclusion

So is Glenmarie recommended? The Valley is not. And we might piss off some Glenmarie stalwarths here who live and die by the Valley, but by charging us a ‘discounted’ rate of RM181 per person, and having the type of service so unusually poor that I can get better service from the dodgy DVD seller on the street, the tone is set for this course. The golfing experience is mediocre, the aesthetics is so-so, but the overall package is just something we will not recommend unless you are the type that enjoys suffering slowly in the bubonic plague.

The good: The travel is definitely an easy one, if you can survive the jam; the amount of bunkers definitely gives a different challenge; the contoured greens are nice and varied.

The bad: The customer service is atrocious; the caddies are as knowledgeable as the piece of loose gravel in the buggy track; the price doesn’t justify the course experience; the mediocre course just can’t cut it in an area where KGSAAS, Tropicana and Saujana ply their trade.

The skinny: 16 of 40 divots (40%). Congratulations, Glenmarie Valley for becoming the latest, most high profile course to be awarded the WOTM award. You will probably have better service as a POW in a WWII concentration camp. Take your moolahs and use it elsewhere. Glenmarie Valley is to be avoided.

Ah, Penang, the Pearl of the Orient. Where  Pulau Tikus, Fettes Park, McAllister Road, Gurney, New Lane, Green Lane occurs. Who in their right mind will not adopt Penang as their second home if they are not already from there? Penang has always been a favourite destination for food lovers, and is generally considered the greatest island ever created by God, more famous than the isle of Elba, Patmos and Shutter put together.

What about Golf? Of course, you have the Jack Nicklaus built Bukit Jambul near Bayan Lepas, the airport. Then the lesser known Penang Airport. And going back to mainland, across the bridge, we have this course called Bukit Jawi.

Some gilagolfers found ourselves in Penang for food and sun over four days and decided to drop by Jawi for a visit.

Travel (2/5)

This is quickly becoming pretty obsolete. Now with half the world population on Iphone and the other on Blackberry and the rest with the other loser phone companies (I mean serious, anyone still using Panasonic?), GPS and google maps have created a new generation of golfers who will quickly skip over this part of the review, assuming that there are any generation reading this anyway.

But like an old itch, this section cannot go away, so here’s the deal with Jawi.

Don’t you just love B-grade maps drawn by 10-year old primary school dropouts?  I think the map speaks for itself. Anyway, like that idiotic Staffield course that also employs some endangered orang-utans to draw their maps, Jawi map is also pretty misleading. It’s not so bad actually, but we did get turned around using google maps because there has been some road changes there. Plus, the road to Jawi isn’t so short as the map suggests. It’s quite deep inside. We wanted to give it a 3, but the driver of our group got so flustered at the stupid road changes, we decided to lower it. I know, it’s unreasonable but who cares, this section is probably skipped anyway and nobody is reading this part.

Price (2/5)

We used the Top Premier voucher and still had to fork out about RM150 on a weekday plus caddy and no food. Listen, golf courses, forcing players to have caddies when they don’t want is tantamount to a violation of our human rights. Why would four shockingly handsome men like us want anything to do with 2 women who don’t speak English, dressed up like colourful clowns and one of them looking like she had been secretly snacking between meals and totally unable to find my balls (golf balls) or even bother to give me a good read on the greens?

We don’t like courses that force caddies on us. Plus, as a Rahman Putra member, I was an associate club, so I’m almost like a club member. What’s the deal? And not just one, TWO of these!!

Price-wise, it’s expensive. Bukit Jawi isn’t exactly the premier sounding course of Malaysia, and it’s not like there are a whole lot of people bothering to come out of Penang to play there anyway…so why not just drop the darn price??!

First thoughts

Bukit Jawi actually looked pretty good. We played on the Lake Course, and once the nightmare of the registration was over with (see below) we were left with a very picturesque view of the course, including the incoming holes of 18^th, where the lakes were then glistening in the sunshine. It can make anyone forgive anything. It looked pretty, but does it play well? Or will it be like Damai Laut, where it had so much promise but completely failed to deliver the tremendously and unreasonable high standards that Gilagolfers have come to expect?

Service (0/5)

So much for northern hospitality. Here’s our experience.

Happily we arrived alive at Bukit Jawi, ready to play some golf. One of my pals started the registration process while we got all the buggies ready. And  waited. And waited. As my beard started to grow, I finally stepped out and at the registration found my friend absolutely livid. A young guy was at the registration frantically typing on the keys. I think he was new, because I suspected he kept pressing the spacebar and pretended he was typing some stuff when he wasn’t.

Anyway, finally a supervisor saunters in and again proceeded to type stuff on the computer. It’s like they were writing a thesis. I mean, just put four names and print the darn thing woman!

System problem, apparently. That’s normal, ok, I admit. But here’s the shocker. The supervisor looked at the time and said she had to go for lunch. WHAT THE %#^*??! While customers are waiting, SHE HAD TO GO FOR LUNCH. Thankfully there was a glass panel between us, because my friend had nearly wanted to physically assault her and pull her head through the tiny round hole in the glass panel and drive a rusted seven iron into her ears.

Bukit Jawi, you are STUPID. That’s all that’s left to say about your service. I am not even going to go into the completely useless caddies they have.

Through some miracle, we finally got through the registration nightmare and started playing some golf.

Fairways (4/5)

For what Bukit Jawi lacked in common sense of the staff and capabilities of caddy and the inability to ignore lunch when faced with a customer problem; it made up for it’s golf course. It makes sense. Spend 99% of the budget in golf course maintenance and beautification and about RM29.90 per year to pay staff, because I think that would be roughly how much they are worth. Before EPF. Before Tax. Oh wait, nobody taxes on a RM29.90 per year pay.

The fairways were in excellent condition. Especially since our game was interrupted by a thunderstorm for about 45 minutes. When we got out, we still had a great course and by the time I was hitting my last chip of the day on the fairway 30 meters from the green, the fairway was in a perfect carpet-like mode. Until I chunked 20 inches of turf out and proceeded to play my last hole like a tapir on marijuana.

Greens(4/5)

Greens were in great condition. Or perhaps my putting finally came in order. I’ve been putting like a duck for the past couple of weeks, but for some reason, I always seem to play slightly better in outstation courses. Perhaps because my money mindedness reminded me that I’ve paid so much to travel so far, that I better been playing some non-humiliating golf.

Greens were slightly undulating and large, but the roll was there and although 4 is a generous number to give, I’ll do it, as it more than made up for Jawi’s pathetic service. By the way, the caddy will be of no use to you.  She’s a free loader, most of their advice only serves to help confuse the Russian out of me.

Rough (3/5)

No complaints for the rough either. Before the rain, the sand was in great condition. I didn’t spend a lot of time in it, but my friend did. On the signature hole 15^th for instance , a total of 4 bunkers surround the island green, and he managed to play in ALL of them. I have never seen it before, he hit from one bunker to the next until he played all and finally ended on the green.

The rough wasn’t really tough, unless you hit it so off line that you end up at the back of a palm tree. However most of Bukit Jawi plays pretty broad and you just get a feeling of expansiveness in the course.

Aesthetics (4/5)

Very Nice. Some courses, like Ayer Keroh or Seri Selangor, gives a feeling of claustrophobia to a golfer. Each hole there is like self contained experience, in Ayer Keroh’s case, something challenging to every hacker; in Seri Selangor’s case, creating an experience as fun as Chinese Water Torture. But it’s preference, and for most of the gilagolfers I play with, we prefer to have a vast vista of the course around us, to experience the full joy of the created golf course and the sacrifice of thousands of trees, some extinct, never to be heard of again on this planet. This meant elevation, and Bukit Jawi has plenty of it.

I suppose this is why it’s called Bukit Jawi, since Bukit is ‘hill’ in Malay.  For instance the awesome hole 15^th was something we all enjoyed, with the tee off plunging down into the semi island green. The par 4 14^th is also another beauty, with the ravaging lake on the left and a thin strip of fairway to drive to. We all got eaten up on the 18^th, requiring a good drive to cross the lake and an equally good second to climb to the green.

The par four 5^th is probably one of the best and most exciting holes on the course. It’s a straight L dogleft right, covered by forests on all side. If we are brave enough, we can tackle the one-on by driving over the forests, which one of us tried…and failed. But it’s definitely possible. And the elevation changes in this hole is so great your ears can pop just walking down the fairway. Very enjoyable hole, this.

Wildlife here is also extremely interesting, with monitor lizards the size of alligators crawling up and down the fairway in pairs and family.

Fun Factor (4/5)

Par four 5^th, as mentioned is very fun to play. The 15^th is beautiful, and requires several playing of it. And I had a birdie to go as well, because the green was very well maintained and the fairway was excellent as far as I can see.

This is definitely a course that we will have fun with, even with the rain threatening to wash us out, but because of the view and the largeness of space, it’s a very enjoyable experience, to just stand on one of the elevated tees and let it fly.

If not for the stupid service, which we have almost all but forgotten, this would have been a perfect score.

Conclusion

Bukit Jawi is a scenic course. Simply because of it’s wideness. You can see a lot from the elevation and almost every hole is visible. Some like it this way, some like the isolation of other courses that’s constipated like Seri Selangor. It’s a pity they don’t have good service though. It would have been absolutely stunning if they had just trained a couple of chimps to register for us instead, I think this would have been bumped into the higher category of Must Play.

The good: Great layout; course condition is very impressive; elevation and expansiveness of the course is a great turn-on; greens well maintained; passes the thunderstorm test with flying colours.

The bad: Service, service, service-pathetic registration process and violation of human rights by putting two women on four outstandingly gorgeous men; pricing is still steep for second tiered course; drive there might be a challenge as roads will randomly appear and disappear depending on seasons, like some sort of magical wonderland.

The skinny: 23 of 40 divots (57.5%). We recommend Bukit Jawi for the experience of playing. If you like service, trust me, the kueh teow seller in Pulau Tikus is a million times better service-oriented than this pathetic lot.

Bukit Jawi Lake Scorecard

Bukit Jawi Information

Address:Lot 414, Mukim 6, Jalan Paya Kemian Sempayi
14200 Sungai Jawi
Seberang Prai Selatan
Pulau Pinang, MALAYSIA

Contact: +604 – 582 0759 Ext. 636
+6012 – 495 6685

Fax: +604-582 2613

Website: http://www.bukitjawi.com.my

Stay Tuned!

What kind of golfers are your regular flightmates?customer surveys

11. The Joker

The Joker is everyone’s favourite species of golfer. Except when you are betting. Here’s a guy that understands one of the core fundamentals of gilagolf theory: No matter how many times we practice, we will still suck. It’s a fact. Unless you are a pro, or someone who’s striving to be a pro, you will come to a day when you just plain suck. Look at Tiger at Quail Hollow. He sucked. So, as a golfer, you respond by:

a) Furiously tomahawk your clubs on the ground and spout the most flowery language possible to everyone and to the sky

b) Laugh it off, implement gilagolf theory that we all suck, and play better.

It is proven when someone plays without pressure of performing well, he plays better.

Characteristics: The Joker has a gift of looking at golf and not taking it too seriously. They can range from really lousy players; or some pretty good ones, but who don’t get too worked up when he shoots a quintuple bogey in a par 3. They are invariably relaxed and they are prone to chatter. They are the Freddie Couples of your group, where they will laugh at themselves and laugh with others.They are not so worried about the golf game itself, they are more concerned with the overall group fun that everyone has. They are masters of positive thinking and will try everything on the course, including hitting a ball embedded under a waterfall or going for an impossible one-on just for fun. They are also unpredictable, and often throw the more serious golfers off with their antics, if they are not reigned in or managed properly. While generally popular, the Joker can be a downright distraction, especially when he squats and clucks like a chicken in celebrating his birdie putt.

What to do if you have one in your flight: When you have a joker, you generally have lots of fun. Even when the course is crap or the weather is storming or when the sun is slowly peeling the skin off your back and boiling you; the Joker remains a Joker and you get your share of laughter. Enjoy the ride, especially when he shanks his ball and murders a caddie, or his clubs fly further than the ball, or when he topples into the water trying to hit an impossible half sunken ball: prepare to be entertained. Be careful if you are taking up a bet with a Joker on your side. His plus can be a negative when he starts playing like an idiot and going for the impossible shots when you are 3 down 3 to go and playing for RM1000. You will wish you can carve his brains out with a rusted 3 iron. They are generally poor gamblers, but they are the best to bring along if you have beginners or you just want to have a general good time.

What to do if you are a Joker: Be who you are. Golf needs people who doesn’t get too angry over a bad shot. We need less Tiger Woods primadonas out there who curses and cusses etc. We need people who can joke around, see the game for what it is (a pain in the a$$ that for some reason we keep playing), and know that golf can be a game of fun and not intimidate first timers. Be the golf evangelist, never make fun out of malice, and bring the game to all those who says golf is for stuffy, old, overweight idiots or for a black guy who has a hot wife, yet goes after old looking pornstars.

We need to bring back the positive image into the game, dude!!

12. The Hacker

We leave this species to the end, because this species is the most important one in the golf ecosystem. The Hacker. The beginner. The newbie. The Sui-Yee. We need to respect and take care of this species because they are the most vulnerable species ever, without which, the race of golfers will not survive past 2012. Hackers can come in different age, size, shapes and gender. Hackers can be new to golf, or they can be guys playing for x number of years but still suck. Look at Charles Barkeley. He’s the God of Hackers. In fact, every hacker has a picture or a wooden carving of Sir Charles with his amputated half swing and retarded follow through in his golf bag.

Characteristics: A hacker is anyone who plays more than 110. A semi hacker can be a guy who can’t break 100. Either way, these guys are charting their way through the golf world and they need good mentors, friends, and people to encourage them. After all, we were all once hackers. A hacker is generally very positive about golf, even though he’s found digging his own grave in the sand bunker or 6 putting from 6 feet…because a negative hacker will drop out of the game in a second. Hackers do not usually have a good grasp of their own skills, and always think they can easily hit the ball 250 meters and carve a sharp draw to land softly onto the green and spin back. When that obviously does not occur, they shake their heads and try again. And again. And again. The learning curve of hackers is severely limited by his extremely vivid imagination of playing like the black guy who has a hot wife, but goes for old looking pornstars.

There’s also a sub-species of negative hacker. These are guys who have been playing lousy golf for so long, they have lost their lustre and pride for the game. They are still hackers, but they are very depressed because they suck and they don’t know how to improve, or how to stop the game. It’s quite rare, but I’ve seen people who play week in and week out, horrendous golf and they keep saying, “I HATE this game! GOLF is stupid! I am going to quit!!!” But they are still there, for some weird reason, unable to stop playing the game that causes them so much pain: like a loveless marriage, or a plastic surgery gone wrong. Beware of the Negative Hacker. They are the only known species that will depress the Joker, so imagine what he will do to you!

What to do if you have one in your flight: Treasure the hacker because they carry the future of golf on their shoulder. They can be golf’s biggest supporter, especially if they are encouraged and given the proper training. Never destroy their spirit. Give tips at the right time (please do not be a cock-talker) but otherwise, let them enjoy the game, for all the pain and sorrows it brings, and the joy of hitting their first straight drive, or sinking a long putt.  The best is to pair them up with a Teacher, or a Joker; never a Cock-Talker, never another Negative Hacker. You need to manage them though. Teach them the rules, the ethics. Especially if they are playing so slow, or end up looking for their RM1 ball like they are diamonds. Give them the ground rules: Keep up and we will all have fun. Nobody likes a hacker who takes his hacking so seriously that we have 20 flights piled up behind waiting for him to finally hit the darn ball. This includes hackers who take 45 seconds from address to actually hit a ball. I know one personally, and his personal best was one minute before he hit. He took 3 practice swings of practice swings! He’s practice swinging his practice swing!! WHAT?!? We managed to hurry him up by threatening to run our buggy over his balls. Not his golf balls.

What to do if you are a Hacker: If you are a hacker, the best advice is to keep up. Most golfers don’t mind if you suck, because they also suck now and then. It’s only when you suck and play golf like you’re playing for the Masters tournament. There are hackers who read putts like Jim Furyk (darn slow), but when asked why they hold the putter in front of them (plumbing), they have NO IDEA. They also don’t know why they squat here and there, because if you’re  hacker, listen: THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE, JUST HIT THE DANG BALL, YOU IDIOT. Everyone hates a hacker who thinks he’s a Player. Other than that, if you are a Negative Hacker, do the world a favor and hide your head in the first toilet you find…you’re done with the game. Golf doesn’t need people who hate the game, we have enough haters already who says Golf is not a sport.

Otherwise, for the Hacker, welcome to the wonderful world of Golf and may your stay here be filled with birdies and eagles!

9. The Cheat

The Cheat represents the lowest of the lowest scum of the darkside golf hierarchy. Unlike the doctors, who are masters of adjusting their scores; or the buayas who tries to adjust their scores, or even the cock-talker who destroys hackers with his incessant babbling: the cheater does what none of these darkside species do.

They cheat.

What does cheating comprise of? It means the intentional breaking of golf rules without anyone knowing or watching. It means that all self governance is out of the window. It means that golf has ceased being golf and has become what football is fast becoming, with all the diving and acting: a sport with such low moral integrity, it requires a referee to smack their cheating arses and constantly police them.

Golf is for adults. Adults who, despite their other shenanigans on the course, would not resort to such low level, blatant disregard of golf rules. Face it, 99% of us ‘cheat’ in some ways, mostly high level pyschoing, or coughing on people’s backswing, or conveniently giving a wrong read to opponents like saying, “Wah, greens darn fast today” when it’s obvious it’s as slow as my grandma running a 100 meter dash. Without her walking stick.

But The Cheat? They are low level cheaters. Beware.

Characteristics: The Cheat basically does a few things suspicious. For instance, if he can always find his ball even when the entire planet has watched his ball sail three miles into the jungle. And he’s always the first guy running to his ball: this is a symptom, when he says, “No need to help me look for ball, sure can find!” and he ALWAYS does. And his ball is always nicely perched on the rough with a clear sight to the green! WHAT THE HE*L?? Or when he always runs to the ball before anyone can catch up with him.

Another method is he would hit a provision always to the general direction of his first OB ball, and when he finds his second, he declares the first. Always get the suspicious cheat to declare his ball, the brand, the number, and if possible, snap a photo of it, or sign your name on it. He’ll be pissed, but hey, he’s a suspect cheat.

Another method is that they are always first to the green. And magically, he places his marker 5 feet closer to the hole and no one can contest against it.

Another method is the convenient drop, where he will be looking for ball near the hazard and he’ll drop another ball and says, “WAH SO LUCKY ONE!”

There are a lot more ways to cheat that we obviously cannot cover, but you get the gist of it.

What to do if you have one in your flight: If anyone is showing symptoms described above, the best option is to take the spare sniper rifle out of your golf bag and take a dead aim at him. Take him down, and bury him in one of the bunkers on the 15th or 16th hole, where no one will ever find him.

But legally, without committing a crime, you probably want to confront him, give him a chance of redemption and if he continues journeying the path of the dark side (which he likely will, as it is obsessive and compulsive), your best bet is to tell him politely that if he doesn’t beat it, you and your pals will take out your 7-irons and deliver him to his Maker. Oh wait, that’s illegal as well….ah well.

What to do if you are a Cheater: Is there hope still? Yes there is, but you need to stop it. It’s like crack addiction. Cheating in golf is addictive because every little thing can be compromised. A bad lie in the rough. A bad lie in the sand. A divot in the fairway etc. The term play as it lies is applicable to golf, not how you deal with your mistresses. Learn the rules, and move away from the dark side. Before you are murdered and your body gets dumped into an unknown grave on the 15th hole.

10. The Gambler

The Gambler is quite a common species in the golf ecology. Simply put, these are the ones who always need to have something on stake before playing. Within the gambler species are sub-species, mainly, Bigtime Gambler, Medium Size Gambler or Play-Play Only (PPO) Gambler. The Bigtime Gambler is pretty rare from most of the hacker’s perspective, as they tend to drift along the upper strata of society and play in courses like RSGC, KLGCC, KGNS, and play for nothing less than 3 digits per hole. Some even go for four. These are mainly people with special titles in front of their names and drives big Mercedes and BMWs.  The Medium Size Gambler is more of the common hoods who ply their trade in courses like Bukit Jalil, Rahman Putra and some lower tiered golf courses. They generally don’t play anything above 3 digits per hole, but they are still ultra competitive. Finally, the PPO Gambler are the jokers who think playing RM1 per hole constitutes gambling. There are a lot of golfers out there who thinks their wager of RM1 is equivalent to winning the British Open.

Characteristics: This is a species that generally will flock together. It’s rare to find a Bigtime hanging around with a PPO, but generally the Gambler species have the same characteristic: They are driven by a wager. Everything requires a wager. The golf game. The par 3. The longest drive. Last hole, double up; fringes etc. They can spout a trillion permutations of betting games for golf and yet, not bother to remember how to drop the ball from the hazard.

Some are Gamblers even without knowing it. For instance, without a wager, he continues to play without complaining but somehow manages to play like a Borneo Chimp high on marijuana…i.e VERY POORLY. But once someone say, “Eh, we bet drinks on this hole” He suddenly strikes the ball like Ernie Els. It might be subconscious, as their psyche responds to a materialistic goal driven initiative.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Gamblers are actually a fun bunch, but only if you get them to flock together. Intra-species are deadly to each other, for instance, it’s not uncommon for a Bigtime Gambler to attack a PPO Gambler with a hammer for misunderstanding that “3 for game” means RM3000 for the game, and not RM3 for the game. So make sure they don’t mix. Otherwise, it’s entertaining to be amused at how many golf betting games are there and the gambler can allow you to choose which type you want to play. They are extremely focus when there’s a wager, so make sure you partner with a gambler when the bet is on the table.

What to do if you are a Gambler: Hey, it’s no problem being the Gambler. But do be conscious of others. If you are a Bigtime, there are PPO out there that don’t want to take money out of their children’s education over one stupid Saturday game. Likewise, if you are PPO gambler, don’t waste the bigtime’s time, ok. Find a slot that everyone is comfortable, and everyone is ok with the wager and go for it. Also, if someone doesn’t feel like betting, and the majority doesn’t feel like betting, then you know, either go somewhere else to play or shut up and just play golf for the fun of the game. Get used to the habit of not wagering on anything and motivate yourself with scoring good scores, instead of getting money. You might enjoy the game more.

Coming up: The Last section on the species of Golfers: The Joker and the Hacker!

As an SSGLinks member, I am obviously privy to some of their marketing information, so I’ll publish it here for Gilagolfers’ consumption. If you have any stuff on the other card membership that you think would be better, feel free to let me know and let’s see which is the better one.

SSGLinks gave me an interesting calculation on how they can help us save money yearly by joining them (so we can use that saved money to buy needless golf clubs and gadgets). Assuming we play 3 times on weekends and 3 times on weekdays a month on certain golf courses (that’s six times a month, which many of us probably don’t, unless you’re doing something your boss doesn’t know about, and having many meetings with Mr. Par Bir Die company.

So there’s a savings there of about 2k or thereabouts. I’m sure other cards have their plus points and calculations as well so it’s a matter of which one you think is the most comfortable one.

The courses listed here are mainly in the Not Too Shabby or Must Play List on gilagolf, so at least we don’t have those freaking disasters like Bukit Unggul and slimy Berjaya courses.

They currently have 40 clubs, including A’Famosa, ORNA, Era,Gunung Raya and Genting Permaipura. We’ve only hacked 2 out of those, so hopefully we’ll be able to hack more.

Here’s SSG Deails

Tel: 03-78439512/13

Web: http://www.ssglinks.com.my/clubs_affiliated.html

Happy Hacking!

Gilalogy Theory of Course Crappiness can be attributed to the phenomenon called the Halo Effect. It sounds familiar doesn’t it? Well, because the guy that wrote that book ripped it off from us, since we know Golf Gilalogy has been in existence since the time of Mesopotamia. Anyways, the effect is that in a given area, there’s always a correct balance of good and crappy course. Rahman Putra has its ugly step sister Kundang Lakes.  IOI palm garden has the dastardly UPM. Datai has Gunung Raya. Tropicana has the equally foreboding Seri Selangor. It’s never a case of equals, and it’s never more evident than Templers Park Golf Club vs Perangsang Templer Golf Club. Perangsang has always been in the shadow of the more illustrious club next door.

Unbelievably, this is my first time to the course that I have heard so much bad things about.

Travel ( 2/5)

The very same route you take to Templer Park Golf Club, you take it to Perangsang. Now I know we gave it 3 to Templer Park, and it would seem unfair to rate it to 2, but as mentioned, this is very much subjective to the club. For instance, if you were to run through a hail of 7.62mm bullets spat from an M14 rifle from one end of the field to another to get an all-paid tour around UK’s best golf courses and a tee time in St Andrews, you would do it, won’t you? It’d still have the same risk, but you’ll do it and think it’s heck of a deal. Now, would you do the same to get to a trip around Ulu Yam? You’d think it sucked.

So anyway, I forget my point. The fact that to get to these golf courses, you need to negotiate the most harrowing U-turn in the world. It’s a U-turn and immediately need to cut 3 lanes to the left to enter. The cars are zooming by, with the occasional 16 wheelers careening out of control and possibly smashing into your car and spilling 20 tonnes of uric acid on you. It’s a ridiculous way to access the golf course.

The alternative is to U-Turn and try to inch left and make the turn at the Shell station instead, giving you more roads to go left.

Absolutely stupid access.

Price ( 3/5)

We paid about RM40 using the Top Premier Book voucher. It’s a good deal. With SSG links, you pay about RM53. SSG links have the advantage of paying RM63 for the weekends, which is pretty good weekend rate to me! They have a few promotions here and there, so head over to the website to have a list of it. But this is pretty reasonable, considering it’s right next to one of the overpriced clubs in Malaysia.

First thoughts

Before we reached the first tee, one of the maintenance guys ominously looked at us and said, Yesterday, big rain, flooded up to—(he points to his calf).

Obviously, this maintenance fellow is prone to exaggeration, but it’s still a bad sign for us, because we know from reputation how some of these cowgrass courses handle the outpouring of rain. We rolled our buggy past this creepy maintenance guy, holding his rake, and eyeballing us like we were going to Shutter Island. I half expect him to grab our scorecard and scribble the word ‘RUN’ there.

And on we rolled to the first tee.

Service (2 /5)

Thankfully we were spared from having caddies, so there wasn’t any extra charge, and we didn’t have any real experience with the service: until the end. When we were done with the game, we needed some drinks at the terrace. Being the cheapa$$ we were, we just wanted ice water to cool us down before we head out to Selayang area for food.

Imagine 4 half baked potatoes sitting around waiting for a drink that did not come. We waited, until one of my partners whitered into a prune and finally I decided to get up and look for the water-cooler or the ice water dispenser or anything. Nothing. The waiter kept saying, “Mineral water? Ok!” and I had to go “No, no, just a darn drink! In a cup!” because they will likely charge like RM10 for the mineral water.

Finally I had to practically force them to bring cool drinks for us, threatening them with our famous 7-iron up-down-your-throat maneuver. Not great service.

Fairways ( 3/5)

OK, enough of the nonsense service, it’s time to get into the course itself. One thing, the downpour was pretty intense the day before but we were pleasantly surprised by the fairway. We didn’t  expect it to hold the way it did, in fact, all of us were already laced in our army boots ready to wade through another heckhole of a course.

So after the first tee off landed (we started on the unforgiving back nine) and we threaded through the fairway, our balls were not plugged and the fairway was in a reasonably drained condition. First fairway (10^th hole) was a tough looking one, with a sharp left turn, very similar to Danau’s 10^th. The 12^th and 13^th fairway brought nightmares to us, similar to Danau’s Kate Moss hole 2…narrow bleeping fairways lined with jungles on every side!

The course opens up in the first nine, so it might be a good idea to tee up normally on the first nine, instead of like us, who seem to be liking the ‘belakang mari’ style of late…in golf that is, your perverted mind misunderstanding again.

Greens ( 4/5)

Here comes the saving grace for Perangsang. This is pretty amazing, because we expected the course to be in ruins, like the city of Osgiliath. So here we were, a band of brothers wielding our drivers, thinking that this is a poor man’s Templer Park Course and ready to banish the course into the WOTM or AAC category of hell, and when our ball finally plomped onto the green, surprise. …it was in a decent condition. Now I’m not saying it’s in Beringin condition, but you need to understand, the 4 is given because it’s so unexpected…we expected crap and got…well, another nice surprise.

It was slower than Danau definitely but because of the heavy rain fall. There wasn’t any puddles on the green, you just had to putt harder than usual but the roll was good and there wasn’t any annoying sand of stuff like that. The same guy that four putted from four feet in Danau (even if he was still playing like a drunk Zimbabwean nightbat), was having fun because his putts were reasonable.  His scores were the same, but you know….we hackers have very unpredicatable emotions.

Rough ( 1/5)

Back to life, back to reality.

As great a surprise as the fairways and greens were, the rough was totally…horrendous. Especially the bunkers. I have a good mind to give a -1 on it, because the bunkers were all swimming pools. Serious. Here’s how they look:

And not just one! Several! And the ones that didn’t have water had rocks the size of my fist. We decided (yet again) to implement the rule of If-in-the-bunker-then-its-on-the-green. So we didn’t play a bunker shot until the last few holes…but seriously, if you can drain the fairways and greens, spend some time on the darn bunkers man. The rough itself was ok…it’s punishing without being unfair, so we’re willing to conceded a point. But seriously Perangsang, if you want to compete with the big boy next door, your maintenance of bunkers need to improve. Tsk Tsk.

Aesthetics (3/5)

Now I know what you’re thinking. You give 5/5 for templer park and 3/5 for Perangsang?? Bias!

Well, to be honest, even though they were neighbours, whoever gets the Takun Mountain or whatever it’s called, gets the beauty. Templer Park is right beneath that mountain, and it gives some pretty surreal scenery. Perangsang plays more like a jungle course on the back nine, and more of an open space course in the front. You get a glimpse of the Takun mountain here and there, but especially some holes in the back nine, they played pretty similar.

The plus side is the water features are really clean. I mean, the river running through Hole 15 was like Evian Mineral Water. In fact, I was just about to dip my hands in it until I realize that one of my playing partners is proned to taking a piss in the middle of the round. Of course we didn’t pollute the pristine waters of Perangsang, but you just gotta be safe you know…pissing Hackers are quite common these days.

There’s also not much elevation changes, unlike Danau or A-Famosa, so overall there wasn’t much things to shout at in terms of beauty. It’s that sort of functional course that tests your accuracy.

Fun Factor (3/5)

OK, we admit, we did have fun there. The back nine was quite a killer in terms of  accuracy in the first couple of holes but after a while, as mentioned, they played pretty similar. Long drive required, and accuracy to the receptive pin.

OK, once you make the turn, (or rather first nine, please don’t get confused with our belakang-mari method), the course opens up and you definitely feel less claustrophobic. I mean, I don’t know about you but I prefer a wide fairway with plenty of spots where you can screw up. Amazingly, and this is seriously, a mystery of my game, on the first hole, I managed to hit a great drive with a slight draw. It bounced off the fairway and lucklessly landed into a narrow strip of drain marked as hazard just at the side of the fairway. WHAT!!! How can I manage to hit these unseen, small, insignificant hazards and still not get a hole in one??

Hole 6 is a nice pretty par 3, which we all managed to hit reasonably good shots at. It has some limestone at the background and a very nice pond next to it, from which will enter millions of golf balls. The thing that spoils its beauty would be the electrical lines running all over the course. Why do we have them and Augusta does not?

OK, finally to the killer Hole 7. If we had teed off on the front, we might be able to bruise through this, but as it is, due to extreme fatigue of sitting in a buggy and swinging at tiny golf balls, and also the fact that golfers have the fitness of a beached whale, we weren’t firing on all cylinders.

This is a crazy hole. It reminds us of that Danau hole 12 but worse. We basically need to target where we want our ball to carry the water. Target too conservative and you will send the ball past the water, past the fairway into OB. Target too aggressive and your ball has no hope to cross the water to dry land. Hook it, you’re in the water. Slice it you are in OB.

Suffice to say, we all tried our first ball and all failed miserably. We each took mulligans and tried our second ball and here’s the result: Mine again in the water. 2^nd guy OB…he angrily tees up again and OBs again and screams in agony. 3^rd guy gets so afraid he duffs his tee to 30 meters before water. Safe. Last guy decides to take the sissy way out and hits it down 150 meters into the fairway. He’s the safest but he has lost all his claims to his manhood that day.

Conclusion

It wasn’t that bad. Perangsang actually surprised us a bit. If it wasn’t for the distance and the maniacal U-turn, it might be a great replacement for courses like Seri Selangor, Kinrara and other fringe courses that are bordering on the WOTM scale. The location is not the best, definitely, but we think it’s worth the try. The only thing is that it has to compete with the big brother Templer Park next door. Well at least Perangsang doesn’t have its resident samurai ghost story…or does it?

The good: Fairways and greens are surprisingly intact after downpour; nice aesthetics; reasonable pricing; a good challenge to your driving accuracy; especially Hole 7; no Samurai Ghosts.

The bad: Rough sucks, too much waterclogged bunkers; suicidal U-turn if coming from PJ; service not up to par; always compared to the better Templer Park Next door.

The skinny: 21 of 40 divots (52.5%).

Perangsang Scorecard

Perangsang Information

Address: No 1, Templer Park Resort,
48000 Rawang, Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia

Contact: +603-60910022

Fax: +603-60910023

Website: http://www.ptgc.com.my

Email: info@ptgc.com.my

sales@ptgc.com.my

7. The Driver

Of all species of golfers, this is perhaps the most over-rated. The Driver is someone who spends 99.99% of his practice time slamming golf balls into oblivion. He can really, really DRIVE. But due to the retarded short game and ineffectual putting stroke, he continues to languish in the hell called mid-handicap. If he can work out his short game and recovery, the Driver can easily ascend to the pantheon of Players, or on the dark side, the Buayas and Doctors.

Characteristics: The Driver’s average drive is about 260 – 280 meters….not necessarily on the fairway. He just goes extremely long due to his entire devotion to the long drive. His set up usually resembles a lumberjack ready to swing a 20 pound axe into the tree…left hand stiffed, right elbow crooked, ball teed up six inches from the ground, and set on the outer left side of his left foot. He usually wears a grimace, and is prone to grunting, as if giving birth to a beluga whale. My personal experience with Drivers are that they are quite affable creatures….prone to jokes, and especially inclined to the ‘Jug of beer if can’t go past ladies tee’ rule, since it does not apply to them. They are usually Jokers as well, due to the fact that they usually start the hole pretty satisfied with their long drives, knowing they can doze off in the buggy while waiting for the short hitting wanker in their group to catch up. But their weakness is their mental toughness. They find it hard to focus on the other parts of the game that does not include ripping the ball to shreds. It’s like asking the Terminator to change his weapon from a 300-rounds per second chaingun to a rubber band with a folded piece of paper. And once they flunk out on their second or third shot, they usually play like clowns because they can’t wait to get to the next tee box again.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Do NOT be intimidated by the Driver. They are prone to messing up their short games and usually do not have mental toughness to recover, because they know that the last time they practiced their short game was when they first started golf, and their short game skills still remain the same. These guys have the mental toughness of a jellybean, so all you need to say is, “Wah, lots of bunkers there. Don’t hit it there, yeah”, and they will collapse like a house of cards being sat on by Roseanne Barr. It’s usually fun to have a Driver in the group so that the group in front will hurry on and play, and also to observe the physical contortions and agony that the Driver goes through to slam his ball 100 meters past yours. You need to be careful when partnering with a Driver, especially if you’re gambling. Due to his pessimistic nature and his impatience to get to the next tee box, you’re likely going to suffer, when the initial joy of watching him hit 300 meters down to the fairway is washed away with his 6th shot to get out of the bunker. You need to manage your Driver, encourage him, and nurture him into the great player he can be.

What to do if you are a Driver: For the sake of goodness and gracious, practice your darn short game, you lazy monkey! Many people would kill to be able to drive the way you do, but that talent is wasted when you don’t have any other game aside from that. Once the short game catches up, you will even give the Player a run. And stop being pessimistic about every other shot aside from your driver, golf is played out of many other strokes aside from blasting it down the fairway!!

8. The Grinder

The Grinder is the almost complete opposite from the Driver. He’s the guy with the shorter drive, the guy that tees up with a 3 wood to play positions because he can’t hit it long enough or his drive is not so straight. He focuses on the short game, and while his drive might not be 100%, The Grinder is a master escape artist. He spends 99.99% of his time in the trees, in the bunkers, on the fringe of the green etc. He’s the master of pitch-1-putt, means he almost always never lands on regulation on the green but he would chip it on and one putt for par. The Grinder’s mental game is as strong as Michael Jordan shooting the last shot of the game; it’s as tough as Tiger Woods without the sex, and usually wields a mean putter.

Characteristics: Grinders are one of the best people to play with. They aren’t usually as jovial or as idiotic as the Driver, because their drives are usually not so good. You hardly see a Grinder, due to the fact that he’s spending most his time in communion with Nature, in the woods, in the water, in the sand, everywhere. You’ll see them come onto the green, or watch his ball roll to 3 feet from the hole and him appearing magically from the trees for a tap-in par. Their attitude is always positive….because they seem to play better when they are in trouble. They never say die, they will always grind and grind and grind, even if it’s for double bogey, they will try to save it. In fact, they utilise every single part of the course the most. They are extremely calm, and you hardly see them tomahawk the club into the ground out of frustration, or yell something bad about your mother when their ball goes into oblivion.

What to do if you have one in your flight: They are very good people to learn from, because Golf is always reflective of life. When someone is so stubborn that he never gives up, and always looks to the better side of things, he’s usually a solid work partner as well. He understands that in life, as in golf, will throw you in the woods and bunker now and then and you need to grind your way out. So the Grinder is possibly the only species that can not just teach you short game and recovery, he is likely pretty wise on the things of the world as well, and welcomes adversity like his only son. He’s a great partner to have, because he’s dependable, and his shenanigans on the course to recover from impossible situations will usually throw off the opposition so much that they will be playing defensive golf all the way. The Grinder is a great psycho guy to have in your team…but just don’t expect to be talking to him that much since he’s away most of the time.

What to do if you are a Grinder: Ridiculous as it may sound, nobody is more suited for the Grinder, than a Driver. They go hand in hand, like Tweedledee and Tweedledum. The Grinder’s optimism offers the counterbalance to The Driver’s morose look at golf; while the Driver’s initial long drive takes away the pressure to have a good drive from the Grinder. So if you are a Grinder, keep doing what you’re doing, because you are one of the endangered species of Golf. BE WARY, that in your Grinding, you do not fall into becoming the Cheater, because golf is about self governance and the best grinders are the honest ones.

Yes, I know the GPE crapped out again.

But we got the following right:

1) Westwood sucks.I rest my case. This guy will never be able to get the Masters. I’d put my money on fancy pants Poulter to be the Brit to win the masters.

2) Tiger got distracted by a pornstar. Like seriously, if not do you think he would have driven like a roast duck injected with insulin?

3) Hunter beats Ricky Barnes. I don’t think many people know their history. They were amateur rivals in the 2003 US Amateur, when Barnes beat Hunter 2 & 1 in their matchplay. After that, Barnes went south and Mahan became one of the coolest cat in the PGA Tour. He’s like a young David Duval, that’s why we support him, and we hate Barnes.

4) Anthony Kim rocks. I know he’s not Chinese, and he talks like a gwai-lo, but his face is seriously, super China-pek. That’s why we like him. To look like a China-pek and shoot 65 in Augusta is to give hope to many of us. We don’t need to look good for success. Go, China-pek!

5) For a while, GPE’s pick was chugging great for the first 12 holes of KJ’s adventure. He was -12 and one stroke back. Then came the stupid bogey on 13, where he birdied every single day! WHY???? What is going on behind that blank look of yours???

So at the end, Phil wins it by playing the most steady round. 4 birdies on the back nine did him a huge favor but he already had the game in the bag when he saved a par on 17th with a 6 footer and hold a 2 shot going into the last. He could have closed it on the 15th, when he hit a RIDICULOUS second shot behind a tree to a par 5 green and landing it 6 feet from the hole. He missed his eagle, but pyschologically, Westwood, who has a mental game of a chipmunk, has already unravelled. Game over.

The most fun part was watching Tiger. No, not for the two eagles he had (the first one on the par 4 7th is simply annoyingly lucky)…but because we can now HONESTLY say we swing like Tiger Woods.

He hooked his first drive. Just like me.

He submarined a few of his drives.

He duck hooked.

He hacked around like he was strangling a telephone pole.

He had a swing like Jim Furyk without the results.

Was it fun to watch a god become mortal? The sex scandal was boring. To see him struggle with his game the same way we all struggled…aaah. Of course, we are shooting 110, but who cares?? It’s the form that counts!

We all know Tiger is going to be Tiger and simply murder everyone on the course the next time he tees up. But, hackers and fellow gilagolfers, be at peace: WE ALL SWING LIKE TIGER!