Golf is truly 1Malaysia

For those of you who know me…and amazingly, I’ve actually seen a number of you guys, thanks to me selling you my golf clubs…I’ve taken a long leave of absence from this depraved game eversince my first kid popped into this world more than 2 months ago. That’s right, I haven’t smelled a green or fairway in over 70 days. Although that might come as a negligent fact to many non-golfers in this world, to golfers, it’s like a smoker not smoking for 70 days, or a shopaholic not shopping for 70 days. Same thing. Golfers understand.

I was talking to the husband of my wife’s friend, who came back from Singapore for the Raya celebration, and who just had a newborn as well, and he looked amazed that I never touched the golf club for 2 plus months. According to his wife, he was actually golfing almost 6 days a week when the newborn was introduced into the world. In fact, he was golfing when she went into contractions! Of course, he rushed back from his game in Bangkok, but after chit chatting for a while, and getting bored of our wives’ kids talk, I introduced him to my stash of golf clubs and we spent the next half hour going through every club in the bag, from drivers to the old Ping Eye 2 set, to the old school putters I had. We were so into it, finally our wives had to drag both of us away from each other, and we promised each other to meet up end of the year to have a few rounds in Singapore or Batam.

It’s amazing, that when golfers come together, it is truly 1Malaysia. He and I never really had too much in common…I mean, guys never really had much to talk about. We didn’t want to go too much into politics, he probably thought I was an Opposition fanatic, I think he’s probably BN, we are most probably wrong about each other etc. But when we talk about golf, didn’t matter we were one China man and the other Malay, we just talked.

Same thing today, when I met a client, who was Indian, and instead of going through the IT audit plan, we talked 45 minutes about our golfing adventures, until my audit team was wondering what the heck was I doing.

For some strange reason, golf draws two human beings closer together than any other games can. Or any 1Malaysia propaganda, or B-Grade Merdeka theme songs, or a Merdeka logo that looks slightly worse than a baboon’s shit…maybe because as golfers, we are all fellow sufferers, fellow hackers, fellow strugglers and fellow soldiers in the game, and as the great Victor Hugo once said:

“Great perils have this beauty, that they bring to light the fraternity of strangers.”

Amen to that.

I Hope there is another train wreck

After seeing the disaster of the previous major, I am hoping that Rory screws up big time.

I don’t know why I don’t like him. I just don’t. I can’t stand the fact that he hits the ball so darn far, and looks like one of those clowns from the brady bunch. I hope down the stretch the wind picks up and we see a catastrophe!

Things that really suck in our country

Those of you who have been following this blog since we burst into existence know that it is very rare that I write anything else besides golf. Sure, sometimes I write about my travels, about my kid, about my dog, about some random chicken I happen to run over, but 99% of the content here deals with golf. No politics. No religion. No race. No nonsensical, blardy crap National Day logos and Merdeka songs written by half witted ministers.

But this just completely makes me and 99% of our beloved country boil over, and makes you go, “This is why the world thinks the only difference between Malaysia and a bucket of shit, is the bucket.”

Noor Afizal Azizan.

Remember this name.

It may go down as the most dastardly name of all time, causing everyone with the name Afizal, Azizan or Noor to file for a name change the same way that thousands of people named Himmler and Hitler did in post world war II. I don’t need to say what this guy did.

He’s a national bowler. She’s a 13 year old. They had sex. In Ayer Keroh. Which has a pretty good golf course, but that’s besides the point. He was 18 years old.

He allegedly raped her. “Allegedly” is a legal term, meaning, I can’t say for sure, but I’m calling you a rapist anyway, but I can pull this back in case you wanna sue me for defamation. I think. So he gets sentenced.

What really takes the cake is this:

“On Aug 7, he escaped punishment when the Court of Appeal president Raus Md Sharif set aside the five-year jail term imposed on Noor Afizal and agreed with Noor Afizal’s counsel, Hisyam Teh Poh Teik, that public interest would not be served by a custodial sentence, as Noor Afizal showed great promise.”

I feel like the guy that Kevin Bacon played in A few Good Men, in his opening statement at the start of the court proceedings. It’s like I’m right there, saying:

“Hisyam Teh Poh Teik (wait, are you chinese or malay?) is going to try and work a little magic here. He’ll try a little misdirection. Astonishing stories of rituals. Dazzle you with official-sounding terms like “BrightFutureRapeOK”. He may even try to cut in into a few MCA ministers. He has no evidence,but it’ll be entertaining.But in the end, all this magic will not obscure the fact — that a 13 year old girl was allegedly raped, and Noor Afizal allegedly raped her. These are the undisputed facts.”

Can you imagine after thinking he was gonna win, the prosecutor Tom Cruise lookalike with Harvard mouth in a faggoty white uniform faces the Noor Afizal shouting, “Did you or did you not allegedly rape that girl??”

(This is a satirical enactment. This is in no way representative of the truth. As with most of this blog.)

Noor Afizal: “You’re goddamn right I allegedly DID!”


Prosecutor Tom Cruise Look a like: “I suggest the jury be dismissed, and we move to an article A session. The witness has rights.”

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: “Wait, wait, mana kita ada juri ini?”

Tom Cruise Harvard Mouth Faggoty White Uniform: …… …….

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: I overrule Mr Tom Cruise lookalike. In fact, we will substitute Afizal’s jail sentence with  promise from him to be on good behaviour for the next five years, and he’s free to go.

Tom Cruise: What the f*…

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: Eh. Jangan haram. I totally agree with the counsel who is either chinese or malay confusing name, that it would not be in the public Best Interest if Afizal go to jail, as he has a Bright Future. As in, Malaysia citizens best interest, Malaysian tax payers best interest will not be served if we sentence an alleged rapist to Jail for allegedly raping a 13 year old girl. Everyone in Malaysia would prefer an alleged rapist to walk free since maybe he can achieve Gold for kedah in our next Sukma? He has Bright Future you know!

Nor Afizal: Ya, And you tau apa they do to alleged rapist in jail? It rhymes with “GRAPE!”.

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: It is settled then. In malaysia, if you have bright future, you can allegedly rape anybody, even 13 year old children. Pedophiles must have bright future first. Ini lah JANJI DITEPATI!

Tom Cruise Look alike: But. But. I also got bright future as lawyer. Or Civil engineer. How about bright future as garbage man? Or bright future as Mafia? Or Bright Future as rapist.

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: Kelakar Tom cruise ini. You can go eat crap with your Scientologist nonsense for all I care. Nor Afizal, you are free! Please do not allegedly rape any more children for at least 5 years ok? Selamat Jalan!

So in conclusion, as long as you have Bright Future, you can allegedly rape and commit crimes that in normal developed countries will send you straight to hell. I got Bright Future also as golfer, so Tan Sri Raus, can I avoid tax ah?

#BrightFutureRapeOK – Twitter it!

Introducing the Tiger Killer

Phil Mickleson was right.

A long time ago when he was still relevant to the game of golf, he said this of Tiger:

“Tiger you could be a sh*t lot better than what you are now, if only you stop using those inferior equipment of yours.” Pause. “I mean your golf clubs. Not your other anatomical equipment of course.”

Or something like that. It was a long time ago. Phil was still thin.

After watching him miss a 2 footer sitter than even a hack like me can probably can it 10 out of 10 times, I’ve decided that Tiger is killed by Nike.

Here’s the Tiger Killer:

Nice, eh?

It’s actually a great disguise for what the crappiest piece of junk ever found in sport. In fact, it was voted as the worst putter in history, after this fine piece of equipment:

Actually the hot dog putter is a really good one. Especially if you feel hungry also.

As long as Tiger refuses to dump the junk equipment he’s using, he has very little chance of winning any majors again.

Thanks Nike, for mass producing the crappiest golf equipment in history and killing Tiger Woods in the process.