You gotta love Sergio

I am really beginning to like Sergio Garcia.

When he started out, he was this cocky punk that thought the world owed him everything and that he would just go out and get it. He was a punk. And not a very nice punk. I remember wishing that he would mess up his putt to win the British Open at Carnoustie in 2007 – or was it 2008? The one that Padraig won. And he missed it badly and ended up losing out to Padraig.

But you know, over the years he has mellowed and now I am beginning to be his fan, because he is SUCH. A. HACKER.

I recall reading his classic interview after this year’s Augusta:

‘I’m not good enough, I don’t have the thing I need to have,’ said Garcia, in an extraordinary post-round interview with the Spanish press.

When the stunned group asked whether he meant winning the Masters, he replied: ‘Any major. In 13 years I have come to the conclusion that I need to play for second or third place.’

In the complex psychological world of top-class professional golf, did he mean if he stopped thinking about winning, it might actually happen?

Two eyewitnesses didn’t get that impression.

At one point, Garcia implored them: ‘Tell me something I can do. I had my chances and opportunities and I wasted them. I have no more options. I wasted my options.’

Classic. I love this guy now.

It’s like how Bubba just went on rambling after the first round at the Olympic:

Q. Is it a good golf course for the championship?

BUBBA WATSON: Yeah, just not good for me. It’s a lot better than I am. That golf course is too tough for me. But we got another day to try to fit and but there’s you’re always going to have guys that shoot low. Tiger Woods is always going to shoot low. Other guys will play good and Tiger going to play good.

This is a dude that won at Augusta. “Too tough for me”?

Is this what the new generation golfers are? Bunch of pansies that get beaten up by “a course”? WTF? Have you ever heard Tiger say anything like that? He’d rather eat dog shit than to admit the course is better than him. He wrote and told it to me himself when I emailed him a while ago:

Q. Tiger, with your swing resembling Jim Furyk on epilepsy, do you think you can now say, you can’t really play any course on the PGA tour now?

Tiger: I’d rather eat dog shit.

OK, leaving you with our favourite hacker son, El Matador, Sergio Garcia, and his hammer of justice on the microphone (what did the mic do???!)

This makes us feel good…and bad!

The big news this morning for golfers: Tiger Woods having to withdraw due to injury after the 12th hole in the last round in Doral Blue Monster this week. After watching him play well in the second and third round, it might be a possibility for him to catch up with Justin Rose and Mr Bubba despite being 8 shots back. But the guy that made the run is our curly hair number one Rory, and Tiger (YET AGAIN) just failed in the final round. I really think he should just stop wearing the darn red shirt! Over and over again, he is proving to be more like david Duval than David Duval himself. The latest setback so close to Augusta doesn’t bode well for us Tiger fans.

I don’t get it, how come guys like Tiger who looks like he benchpresses beluga whales have all these problems when a joke like John Daly doesn’t have sports injuries? How can golf be so physically demanding when Arnold Palmer can still play while half his body is already in a casket? I mean, it’s golf! The only injury I have right now is that my left pinky can no longer bend into a fist without popping, but except as a freakshow to gross out my wife, it doesn’t really bother me much. It’s golf, not football, basketball, badminton etc. Isn’t it considered an ‘old man’s game?’ (although in parts of Indonesia and Thailand, among caddies especially, it has evovled to ‘dirty old man’s game’)

Come on Tiger, stop being a sissy!!!

The big news for hackers however: Sergio Garcia, everyone’s favourite crybaby, made OCTUPLE BOGEY..yep, that’s a +8 for you guys who don’t like roman numerals. Although not as fascinating as Kevin Na’s Duodecuple bogey (a +12) , it’s still, by far, one of the biggest names in golf playing like a complete hack in one hole. Only one hole, mind you, because though that made us feel good, he still managed a 76. It’s ridiculous. If we shot a +8, we would be shooting 110. So if he had only parred that hole, he would be at 68.

Then again, these guys eat, drink, crap, sleep golf, while we only dream about playing somewhere in the open field as we try to stay awake in the office.

Who Wins in the Major?

Now that the British Open is over, and the unlikeliest champion has emerged, we’ll all wind down the year and have a look at it. Wait, there’s still the PGA Championship and Fedex Cup. Meh. We all know that the last major, with flukes like Shaun Micheel, Rich Beem and YE Yang, isn’t as prestigious as the other 3. And Fedex cup? Please. Gimmicky.

Darren Clarke of Northern Ireland smokes a cigarette during the final round of the British Open golf championship at Royal St George's in Sandwich

So, the cigaratte chomping (curious, isn’t a cigaratte consider an outside help?) Daren Clarke wins, and I’ll leave to other better writers to talk about the glory of Northern Ireland majors, the odds, the story surrounding Sunday’s win, and the humiliating hacking nonsense conjured up by Phil Mickleson, Dustin Johnson and all the other clowns chasing Daren. It wasn’t so much that Daren won it, but the other fellas lost it. Missing a two footer. Check, Mickleson. Shanking into OB at a critical hole. Check, Dustin. Pulling into weeds and losing grip of club. Check, Anthony Kim. Whacking into the spectator stands. Check, Mickleson. What, again?? What’s wrong with you, tubby??

Phil Mickelson Phil Mickelson of the United States misses a birdie putt on the eighth green during the final round of The 140th Open Championship at Royal St George's on July 17, 2011 in Sandwich, England.

Now, what has this got to do with Tiger? Everything. Since our old friend left the game in shambles, we’ve got all these bunch of pretenders stepping up the plate and taking what they can. It’s like a pack of hyenas, after the lion has finished his fill of the dead elephant and wanders off to sleep, they come and gorge on the remains and take all they can before the old lion comes back and chase them all out.

Without Tiger, majors have seen first time winners piling up. Daren. Rory. Charles. Martin. Louis. Graeme. 6 consecutive first timers, and NOT. ONE. AMERICAN. Face it, for the viewers, supporting the underdog only makes sense if there is a top dog. We ALL want to have a top dog. There’s a culture of heroes in humanity. Hercules. Achilles. The naked guy in 300. Julius Caesar. Douglas MacArthur. Joan of Arc. King Arthur. Hang Tuah. Or, looking at sport heroes: Muhammad Ali. Michael Jordan. Maradona. The one person that stands above the rest, that says, “Don’t eat my elephant until I’m finished, you pack of hyenas!”

Tiger Woods, love him or hate him, is one of them. He is the Top Dog. He’s the Alpha Male. And he doesn’t like to share.

Once the Top Dog goes, you’ve got these hyenas going for the majors and the number 1 in the world. Luke Donald aka Justin Timberlake Lookalike. What a joke. A world number 1 CAN’T make the CUT??!! Lee Westwood, another joke. Martin Kaymer? He can’t draw the ball. Rory? We like him, but too streaky, just like a hacker.

Martin Kaymer and Lee Westwood - Singles Matches-2010 Ryder Cup

The real winners are all the PGA players, because since Tiger left, their chances have improved like 5000% to win a major. Also, the sport writers, because now they have more stories to write about, aside from the normal “Tiger Wins.” or the Horrendously overused, “Tiger out of the Woods” or “Tiger in the Woods”. Recently they have gotten a little creative thanks to his liaisons with pornstars, and have cheeky titles like “Tiger getting Woody” or “Tiger shows his Wood”. But still, over used. Now, with these new batch of hyenas, writers can be more creative with their headlines, such as:

If Rory wins: “Ror-ring victory”

If Daren wins: “Clarke of the Devil”

If Sergio wins: “Serg-ing to victory”…and my favorite:

If Thomas Bjorn wins: “To Infinity and Bjorn!”