Dear Tiger

Dear Tiger,

Thank you.

After your ridiculous fall from grace, we continued supporting you. When your stock was as low as Enron, we supported you. When women after women came and said you were their kid’s father, even if the kid was white, with blue eyes and blonde hair, we stuck by you. When all your other supporters fell away, we stuck by you.

Suck it, Gillette. Consider yourself shaved off the books. Suck it, Gatorade, you’re all out of fizz. Suck it AT&T. You made a bad call. Suck it, Tag Heuer. Your timing is crap. Suck it, Golf Digest, you miss the deadline. Suck it Accenture, you guys are nothing but CON-SULTANs. And most of all, Suck a big one, Steve Williams, you are the world’s biggest loser. And sub-suck it Hank Haney, because you’re better of retired.

To Nike, even if they made you play lousy golf, at least they sabotaged Rory as well, so that you can once again be the king of the hill. EA Sports, your games are awful, but you stuck by Tiger, because your customers are all geeks anyway who wish to bang multiple pornstars. Rolex, you are a genius, to swing Tiger your way when Tag is so incredibly STUPID. Most of all, Kowa. You gave Tiger the sponsorship deal when everyone abandoned him.

And of course, thank you, Tiger for continuing on with Gilagolf’s sponsorship. Which is only sponsoring your sweater. When you play only on Mondays. And only when you are in the lead. And when it also happens that you will be number 1 if you win. And only if you sink a put 28 feet long. With a Nike Putter. And when you just got involved with another woman. Who is a skiier and not a pornstar. I think that about covers the conditions of our sponsorship with you.

You’ve made us all proud!



PGA Tour is stupid.

After missing opportunities to pair up a possible Vijay, Tiger and Rory in the 3rd round for the BMW championship, they again mess up the fourth round pairing. Here’s the leader board:

And here is the tee time tonight for the final round:

I mean, seriously, it does not take a genius to figure out the delicious storylines in store here, and as golfers, storylines are what rivalries are made of. Because golf is so blardy boring to watch, in effect, just a couple of old men swinging a club, or in some rare instances swinging their other equipments at multiple pornstars; any storyline is a good storyline.

VJ and Phil.

Vijay is one of my favourite players. He has a “I don’t give an F who you are because I was brought up in the jungles in borneo hitting golf balls at orang utans in the sunset” attitude. He doesn’t care. It’s very likable. If he had a facebook page, I’d “like” it a million times if it’s possible. It’s not. So once is enough. Anyway, Vijay hates Phil because Phil is fat, walks around Augusta greens and his spike marks spoils the green. Vijay doesn’t give fart if Phil was Mr Popular, he went at him like a lion in the dressing room and they had to be separated by 5 players, Phil’s eyes were blue black, Vijay’s knuckles bleeding and the aforementioned offending shoe spike stuck in Phil’s back for a few hours. Vijay will stare down Phil today and win the head to head.

Rory and Lee Westwood

Between the two, I don’t know who I dislike more. But whatever it is, they dislike each other more. We don’t know, and can’t trace back to the exact moment, but it was likely that night in the pub when Rory came in with his first major trophy, the US Open, and asked all the Irish men to fill it with Guinness. Lee, who was there took offense that he didn’t ask to mix the English beer in as well and wasn’t invited to the table, which was for “Irish, major winners only, including Grahme and Padraig”. Since then, Lee Westwood has given Rory the eyeball. But instead of WWII like Vijay and Phil, it was more like a cold war between them, so it will be interesting to see how Rory kick Lee Westwood’s butt tonight.

So they got these two right. Now you got 3 guys at -14 and a certain Mr Woods at -13, so one of the -14 guys will be with Mr Woods right?


Adam Scott!!! So we can see Steve Williams and his old employer. If Vijay and Phil is WWII, Steve and Tiger is at thermonuclear, intergalactic warfare. It would have drawn THE largest crowd of the entire decade.

Instead, they give us this: Adam Scott and this clown called Garrigus and Tiger and his old friend Dustin. Jeez.

We all know that Tiger doesn’t motivate himself anymore. He needs external motivation. Played like a hero when Rory was battling him. Played like a pondan when  he had nobody to drive him today. And now, with a friendly party like Dustin Hoffman, I mean, Johnson, Tiger has 0 chance to win. He’s going to fade, play like a nutball and end up like 15th or 20th or something.

Stupid PGA Tour people.

Adam Scott = Greatest Choker of All Time?

I honestly cannot believe what is happening.

After Adam Scott birdied the 14th, I gave up watching and decided to watch UFC at Fox Premium Movie.

Now I turn back, and Adam Scott bogeyed 17th , messed up 18th drive and now hitting 3 into the 18th…..

And now has a 5 footer to tie.

The question here is WHY? You are leading by 4 with 4 to go? And you go and bogey 15, 16, 17 and pressure yourself on the 18th? Are you on weed, Adam Scott?

Are Australians destined to be the greatest chokers of all time? Remember ’96 Augusta, the collapse of Greg Norman after a six shot final day lead? Or Thomas Bjorn, who led by 3 with 4 to play in the 2003 British Open, and took 3 to get out of the bunker on the 16th? CHOKE. How about Jean Van De Velde? 3 stroke lead and choked at the Carnoustie.

And guess what? Adam Scott just lost the British Open.


It seems that we jinxed him when we gave him the Gilagolf winner about an hour ago. It seems that justice has been done, that a racist will not win anything this year. I’m talking about the Racist Steve Williams, not the sotong Adam Scott.

After that, 4 bogeys in the row, and one of our Gilagolf favourites, Mr Ernie Els, WINS IT!

How powerful is the Gilagolf Jinx?

Rich people say the darndest things

Of course, the big story this week was Stevie Williams shooting off his HUGE gap again. I’m beginning to seriously dislike this guy, not because he keeps tramping off Tiger, but because he’s an idiot. Who happens to be really rich.I mean who in their right barnacles would actually say this:

“”It was my aim to shove it up that black arse—”

Concerning why he celebrated so much with Adam Scott won the Bridgestone Invitational.

I mean, seriously?

He later went on to say: “I now realize how my comments could be construed as racist. However, I assure you that was not my intent.”

Race is an obvious issue, even among normal Saturday golfers. We’re still very careful not to cross the divide by racial slurs. Not strangely, when our own race slurs ourselves, it doesn’t appear as racist, because we’re that race. But when the other groups slur us, we get all flustered up. And trust me, even in golf, there are plenty of innuendos out there that I’m sure gilagolfers know about…and it’s all done in fun. That doesn’t make us racists, it just makes us ignorant buffoons who stereotype alot on the golf course….and sometimes, even with close friends of different races, we sometimes cross that divide, but with the understanding that it’s all in fun.

But Steve Williams? Man, he takes the cake. You can see the vengeance he has against Tiger, who paid him 10 Million USD over his career with him. I mean, why must he use the word ‘black’? Doesn’t he realise the only people who can use colour to describe something is people of that colour? The only conclusion is that either he’s a genuine IDIOT, or he’s been paid a lot to drum up the tension for the president’s cup to hike up the ratings for a Tiger vs Adam Scott showdown. Poor Adam scott. If he wasn’t so filthy rich, I would have pitied him.

Anyway, here’s the top 5 racist meltdowns in sports:

1. John Terry

He apparently called Anton Ferdinand a Black C**t. It’s not proven, so it might be or might not…but, I mean here we go again, why on EARTH must he add that colour description in there? Has he been heading too many footballs and his brain has been finally reduced to rubble? John Terry, because of his recent affair with is best mate’s wife, is probably not the greatest guy to be around, so with his spotted history, he’s likely to spin off some racist remark as well. Verdict: Guilty.

2. Luis Suarez

He also apparently used the N-word against Patrice Evra. 10 times. Despite his skill, Luis Suarez is definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed. You can see him: a naughty kid who skipped school to play football and peek into girls’ toilets. He probably thought the N-word was just a normal description of an ‘annoying person’ in English, and probably called his little brother that in Uruguay. So he kinda deserves a break. Verdict: Not Guilty for racism, guilty for absolute brainlessness. But he doesn’t need brains. Just skill.

3. Shaquille O’Neal

Shaq, when asked if he had anything to say to Yao Ming, who was first coming into the league as the no 1 overall pick, said: Tell Yao Ming: Ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-so. Frankly, if you ask me, I think Shaq’s a really funny guy. I think he’s a guy whom if you were to call him the N-word, he’d just laugh and tombstone you and walk off. He’s also like a big kid, and obviously loves watching Bruce Lee Movies, as evidenced by the youtube below. Verdict: Not Guilty for racism, as he genuinely thinks his joke is funny. And as a chinese, I think it’s quite funny. Although, not many people think so.

4. The Country of Spain

While many think Spain is a beautiful country (and it is) and the home of beautitful football, it’s also considered as the unofficial racism capital of the world. Thierry Henry was referred to as black sh*t by the Spanish coach. And during a full page report, the entire basketball team made this picture before going to Beijing:

Spain’s Olympic Basketball Team

I mean, this is just dumb. As in achingly, mind-numbingly DUMB. It’s like giving a heil hitler salute before going to a German Olympics. Or painting yourself black before going to South Africa World Cup. Verdict: Guilty of Racism. And of paramount stupidity that is beyond belief.

5. Kris Jenner

I know this is not a sporting personality, but she’s rich. She’s the mum of Kim Kardashian, who apparently got married and divorced in 70+ days. When asked if the ex-husband would ask back the engagement ring, she said:” No, I hate an Indian Giver, a gift is a gift.” No 1: An engagement ring is NOT a gift…it’s a symbol of commitment. If her daughter wants to break off the marriage, then give back the ring, darn it! It costs 2 Million bucks! And an ‘Indian Giver’ is an actual slur to Native Americans. It was crafted by European settlers when the natives would give them things to barter (since they had no money concept). The settlers thought they were gift, so when they did not exchange anything, the natives took the ‘gifts’ back. Early Settlers were apparently as dumb as the Spanish basketball team.

I just thought this was a little funny, because I remember this episode from Seinfield: Sit back and enjoy!

Caddie-Gate and The World of Ingrates

I just thought, on the eve of the final major of 2011, on the eve of the final event where Tiger needs to get it done or go home for the season: that there are so many more compelling storylines than the one that’s hogging the show right now. Not to say the least about the lousy economy or the bashing the stock market has taken over the weeks; we’ll focus solely on golf.

Golf. That’s right. When has it become the circus that it is?

They call it Caddie-Gate. They call out Tiger for being a lousy employer. They bring to attention Tiger who has not changed, who is still the arrogant prick before and after the hydrant incident in November 2009. So he fired his Caddie. The caddie who has been ‘loyal’ to him all these years, his best friend, his old buddy, his wing man. What kind of sick, mentally challenged idiot would do that? What’s wrong with you, Tiger?

Here’s what’s wrong. Nothing.

Steve Williams showed the world who the real villain was in his post round interview after winning in Firestone with Adam Scott (that is such an ironic story line), saying that the win was the best week he had in life. Are you serious?

What about winning all the majors with Tiger?

What about getting married (well, he divorced but he wouldn’t have known that when he got married, right?)

Or just for sakes, how about saying the charitable foundation he started out for underprivileged kids as the best week of your life?

Steve Williams earned in excess of $10 Million during his time with Tiger. For carrying a bag. And throwing cameras and photographers into the lake. I mean, seriously, $10 Million USD? And he’s pissed off with the guy that helped made him that? He was caddying for Raymond Floyd before this gig with Tiger…he would be making probably US40,000 over the same period of years.

Steve was sacked by Greg Norman too in his prime. Greg went on to win 12 more PGA tour events including the Open championship over 8 years. It was believed Steve got ‘too close’ to Greg. Read: He was probably giving too many opinions to Greg and scolding him for fluffing the chip shot etc, like what the KGNS caddies do to us. I mean, who’d like playing with a clown like that?

I have a feeling that Steve Williams could have been grumbling too much with Tiger, as Tiger recuperated and got well. I mean, so he hasn’t won in 2 years. You’ve got USD10 Million for your troubles and you blast him over the media like he owes you something? Seriously. Steve is a great caddy. But that’s all there is. He ain’t the guy swinging the club. Tiger is.

And Tiger has given him there was, and if there’s a time for change, then take it and move on. I mean, it’s not as if Tiger didn’t pay him or whatever. WHO CARES if it’s an SMS or face to face etc? What sort of planet of emotional metrosexual idiots are we now living in? Why does Steve thinks he’s entitled to some privilege from Tiger? Is it because he got replaced by a caddy who resembles Snow White, without the puffy shoulder pads and laced skirts, and 7 strange old men looking at her sleeping?

In the perfect world, Tiger would have just replied: “Steve, I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the millions that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “Thank you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a 7-iron, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!”

Ah, Colonel Nathan Jessep, everyone’s favourite character.


In conclusion: Tiger took the higher road. He didn’t blast Steve over the media. In fact, he even said he texted Steve after Adam Scott won, and congratulated him. Even if he DID NOT do it, the fact that he said it, it’s like pulling out 4 wisdom teeth at once for Tiger. With a rusted plier. But Tiger did it, because he was grateful for Steve’s service over the years. Unfortunately, Steve, the ingrate, is just interested in pulling down his golden goose. Tiger made the right choice. With a character like Steve Williams, who is so used to winning and only interested in winning: during a time of rehab, Tiger needs a change. Less expectations. Less loud mouthed opinions. He needs to find his zen again before killing everyone in the course like he used to do.

I hope it starts this week.