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Tasik Puteri GCC

Updates on the 3rd Nine

We replayed Tasik Puteri again and was forced to play the 1st and 3rd nine. Now, we’re not going to penalise Tasik Puteri for the introduction of this nine holes of pure torture, but we’d like to make a note of it. (We’re penalising Tasik Puteri for having stupid golf marshals who doesn’t understand how to service people).

As the Gilagolf theory goes: For a golf course with 3 nines, forget about playing the 3rd.

Nothing is more true here.

If you call Tasik Puteri, ask them which nine they are forcing you to play. Apparently they are pushing everyone to play the 3rd nine (the new nine just opened). If they are, forget about playing there because, pardon my french, it’s a truly the biggest piece of crap ever invented on the face of this planet. In fact, it makes no difference if you were to dip your entire head into a burning vat of oil, than to try play this sorry excuse of a course.

It’s hot like heck, because for some strange reason, they have chopped down all the trees, so exposure to sun nearly killed all of us. In fact, I lost 15 pounds of water alone. THERE IS NO SHADE. Compounding the stupidity of chopping all trees down, they make the holes extra long (a par 4 was 430 meters). I know we are good, but with a 12 noon sun beating down on you and faced with a 200 m carry over water, I’d rather poke myself with an electric baton in a bath tub filled with electric eels.

Don’t waste your time with the 3rd nine, because it has no character, no shade and no chance we will ever come back to play it.

We especially detest articles like this found in the Star newspaper, giving us more motivation to tell the truth about sh*tty golf courses in Malaysia. Check out what is said:

“Even the most avid fan of the Rawang course will admit that it isn’t championship standard. However, the new third nine, or Tasik Nine, can certainly be considered a true golfing test.”

Sure, if a true golfing test means to trudge across something resembling the Sahara, playing one stupid hole after another that looks the same, plays the same and requires at least 250 m drive to make regulation. You know what, I paid 80 bucks to play a nice round of golf, not try to survive dehydration and halucination. To heck with you, Tasik Puteri.

“So, all in all, this third nine, designed by Australian Tim Woolbank, should prove to be a stern examination of your golfing skills,”

Now we know who to whack with our 7 irons when we go Australia. Apparently this is the guy that came up with Clearwater Sanctuary as well, which was pretty crap as well, so it’s real convenient that we go and get this guy for giving us such a lousy experience on both courses.

“The third nine is now ready, and we have opened it up to golfers. However, the thousands of trees we have planted will take a little more time to mature,” said Y.P. Tan, Tasik Puteri’s director of golf, adding that the course will be in better condition for the Asian Senior Masters in October.”

Well, Mr Y.P. why the blazes did you tear down all the trees in the first place?!? Thousands of trees?? Our last count was about 5 trees. The whole area now resembles a freaking desert. And I can’t wait for the Asian Senior Masters to be played also, because these old chaps are definitely going to drop dead before even touching the 27th tee. Trust me, go there and scavenge for their clubs, because there will be only corpses left to rot in the blazing sun.

“Golfers standing on the first tee (or hole No. 19 on your scorecard) will be treated to a sweeping vista, with views of practically all the holes.”

This is a lie. If you were to stand in the middle of a public toilet seat in Chow Kit road and we level the entire KL into rubble, you will also be treated to a ‘sweeping vista’, simply due to the non existence of any obstructions to your view. You’ve chopped down all the trees, Tasik Puteri, of course you can see all the holes. Sweeping vista my foot.

“The other par-3, No. 6 (or No. 24) features an island green that plays to about 146m from the black tee.”

This is also another lie (whats wrong with you, Star newspaper??!? Can’t you get ANY report right??) because it’s measured about 170 from the black and you should be hitting a 5 iron in. Darn, they can’t even get the blasted distance right.

“The Tasik Nine has the perfect final hole to end your golf game. It’s a par-5, 485m beauty.”

No, it’s another lie. It’s not a perfect final hole. NEVER say a hole is a perfect final hole unless you’re talking about the 18th on the Augusta. The final hole is reasonably nice, but with a teh tarik coloured stream dissecting the fairway, I would be hard pressed to find it anywhere memorable. In fact, by then, most of us are already having mirages about cold iced tea than to care much about this ‘perfect final hole’. Another outright lie about Tasik Puteri!!

““This is the best time to try the Tasik Nine because we are still offering golfers our special promotional rates.,”

Sure, they obviously need to entice unsuspecting golfers into a trap. As mentioned, we’re not penalising Tasik Puteri from the original review, the Gilagolf has put up a warning sign; if you need to play at Tasik Puteri, avoid the 3rd nine or face death under the blazing sun!!

Now on the original review:

Introduction

I’ve heard quite a fair bit about Tasik Puteri Golf Club and thought of just giving it a try, since one of my vendors wanted to buy a few of us a game. Tasik Puteri means Princess Lakes (or something to that effect) so I expect a wet affair right from the tee. From the word Lakes, not Princess, you cretin. Like some of the courses we’ve played-Meru Valley, and the more forgettable Paradise Valley-Tasik Puteri is located within a town ship as part of a feature for the residents there, bolstering up, I suppose the value of the property in that area, enticing more people to buy property that they can ill afford, and generally pushing Malaysia into a developed nation and a military powerhouse. Hey, I’m a golf hacker, not an economist.

Travel (3/5)

To get there, you need to get on the north south highway and take the Rawang turn off. From there, take a left turn at the traffic light (not heading into Rawang town) and just follow the old trunk road. There’s hardly any development on this road, so you will be traveling quite a bit and might find yourself stuck behind a huge trailer and not be able to pass. You’ll see occasional signs that point to Tasik Puteri Golf Course, but the directions aren’t very good so keep an eye out for the signs, but for heaven’s sakes, don’t crash into anything because it’s a single trunk road and you’re going to cause a massive traffic jam. You don’t want to be chased around a palm oil plantation by angry golfers wielding their 7 irons, now would you? So be careful!!

You’ll need to turn off into Bandar Tasik Puteri and from there, go quite deep into the township to finally see the resemblance of a golf course. Turn in and you’ll be greeted by a very nice club house, with friendly caddies to handle your bags for you.

Price (2/5)

Tasik Puteri is not cheap. On weekdays, its RM90 per person and RM25 for a compulsory caddie. On the weekends (which we played on), we needed to fork out RM150 per person, with caddies optional. You might want to fork out extra for the caddie, as we will soon find out. There are quite a lot of blind corners and yardage is of utmost importance. The Tasik Puteri caddies are all women, and quite popular to some golfers, I suppose for extra activities outside of golf, but I won’t speculate on that. There were some reports on how caddies would break up a family sometimes, or that husbands spend too much time on the golf course, enticed by these lady caddies.

Seriously, they are not exactly the mythical Sea Sirens you know. Most of them are so caked with make up, they resemble geishas in feudal Japan, but hot Zhang Zi Yi they ain’t. They are reasonably pleasant looking, the same way a loaf of bread is reasonably nutritious but for a man to break up his family for a girl who can speak only roughly six words of English, wears a caddie uniform and hangs at the back of a buggy for life as we drive wildly around the course: that man has to be either extremely desperate or extremely blind. Can you imagine this conversation:

Man: I want to leave you now, wife, you can have our 3 million RM home, our Mercedes and our 3 splendid kids studying to be a doctor, a pilot and a lawyer specializing in divorce settlement.

Wife: Who is it? Who is this woman?

Man: Ummm….it’s a caddie at this golf club of mine.

At this point, stunned silence by wife followed by uncontrolled laughter and the realization how much a loser her husband is. She takes everything, he becomes insolvent and lives with the caddie working at the clubhouse for 400RM a month.

Can you imagine that actually happening? At least, if you want to mess up your life, mess it up with dignity. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying it sounds a little more dignified to say, “Oh, I had an affair with Ms World, and Ms Universe” as opposed to, “Umm, yeah, I had an affair with Caddie Number 42 at this club. Oh, wait, was it number 33? Darn it, they all look alike!”

Anyways, since we are all cheapskate golfers, we want to save up a bit and went on to tee up without any caddie. Or any complications attached to that.

At RM150, it’s a reasonable weekend rate, and this is one of the more attractive course we played in. What we didn’t like was the fact that they had a couple of temporary greens being done. The rule here is, if there’s sandy greens, temporary greens or any kind of maintenance to the course, hey slash your rates. You gotta be honest with your customers, you know. Gunung Raya, a relatively crap course compared to this, and Clearwater, at least had the decency to inform and to discount us before hand. We were a little surprise to face temp greens on the first and second and not at all amused that we had to fork out full rates on it. It’s like buying a bottle of coke, to find it filled up with half coke and half soy sauce, and get charged for the coke. Darn it!!

First thoughts

Weekends here are packed. You’ll need to call up in the beginning of the week to get a good tee time. Unfortunately we got caught by a tournament and nearly lost our tee time because I didn’t pick up their confirmation call. With much persuasion, they relented and gave us an 8:50 tee time. We only really teed it up at 9:15 am or so.

We teed up on the front 9 and Tasik Puteri is more like Tropicana, in terms of the layout. It’s very short if played from the Blue Tees, so for a challenge, some testosterone charged golfers might tee it up at the black tees, that plays about 300 metres longer, and good for wagering-whether on money or caddie, although the latter is not recommended.

But it was a good feeling, standing on the first tee and letting rip a drive down a spacious fairway. It’s by no means easy, even if it’s short. There are OB stakes left and right, just like Tropicana and that’s why having the eyes of a caddie would significantly help reduce the number of lost balls. Actually, that’s speculation. I have no idea how good the caddies in Tasik Puteri are; I’m assuming they are reasonably adequate since most flights have a caddie.

Service (2/5)

Right when you pull up to the shaded club house, you’ll be greeted by a host of lady caddies (this word seems to be used a lot in this review), coming to take your bags out and welcoming you with a smile. Definitely a welcomed change compared to say, Paradise Valley where a guy resembling Gholum limps up to your car with a ciggy in his mouth and demands you to pop your boot. Service also gets a thumbs up because I’ve actually lost my tee time and they were kind enough to reinstate it (admittedly after much persuasion and promises to return). They put us almost an hour later, but at least we get to tee up the ball. The food there was pretty good as well and the club house was first class. We sat at a table overlooking the range, under an archway in the open air, like some druglords in a Spanish hacienda. Other amenities were slightly lacking, like how they put us in a changing room where everyone faces each other. Admittedly we’re all guys, but come on, I admit I still get a little uncomfortable if I see another guy striding around with his dongle for all to see.

UPDATE!!

It’s quite rare that we make changes to the original ratings after playing a golf course again but Tasik Puteri gets a hit. We’re downgrading this club from a 4 to a 2 in service. We replayed this club and this time was moved to the play the 1st and 3rd nine. We are not going to rate the 3rd nine, because our theory holds true. FORGET ABOUT PLAYING THE 3rd NINES on golf courses with 3 nines.

Anyway, concerning the service, after struggling like cows in the Serengheti playing through the 3rd nine, I asked a Marshal, the tasik puteri chap who was in charge of caddy distribution for the new nine score card. This is because when we made the turn, the starter hut had no scorecards (and no starter, probably he had died of thirst) This chap rudely waved me away without even looking, while grunting something under his breath. Now, while we understand he has an extremely stressed out job thinking of which caddy to attach to which golfer, we are not quite ready to forgive the lack of respect even to golfers who had stumbled in looking like fried lobsters from the sun. We’re slapping Tasik Puteri with a 2/5 because of this lousy chap who doesn’t know how to service people properly. What an idiot!

This is a real pity, because due to one fellows disregard for service, Tasik Puteri has dropped from the Gilagolf Must Play category to the mediocre Not too Shabby category.

Fairways (3/5)

The fairways are Bermuda, and very similar to the fairways we get at Bangi. I think there was a good mixture of broad and enticing fairway, wide enough to land a plane on, and fairways requiring a tighter approach. The course favours the swing that draws, except hole one, where you can run out of fairway and land on tough hard mud. Generally, the drainage and maintenance was good, well cut grass, but still a little lacking in terms of consistency. Some holes I remember lobbing in with my Sand Wedge and just completely slided under it and went like three quarter of my predicted distance. The fairways are also generally flat until you hit the second nine, where you’ve got some elevated greens to deal with. I didn’t quite like their yardage. Somehow, some holes played nearer than what was predicted, and some holes longer than usual. I remembered hitting a 9 iron into a 130 meter par 3 at the 14th and like the par 3 nightmare at Meru, deposited 2 balls into the water, short of the green. Again, if we had the benefit of the caddie, it would have saved us much angst around the course. But then again, it would really not be us now would it?

Greens (2/5)

Green speed was a nightmare. In a good way. This just proves that we don’t rate stuff as low just because it kills us and we don’t really enjoy it. Even on the practice green we knew the putts were really rolling fast. Take away the two temporary greens, the normal greens were well maintained and manicured. The fringe looked deceptively short, but it catches the ball so you’ll need to play it with more loft and land on the green. Balls played low and running (my style) will seriously have a hard time here because it just runs away. Couple that with the undulating greens and a wager, and you have very testy putts. I three putted from 6 feet twice, and just contributed to a super frustrating afternoon on the green. It doesn’t catch your ball the way Meru or Impiana does, but it’s reasonably soft.

Mediocre putters like us (ok, ok, I’m a lousy putter!) will lose 4-5 strokes to the course all due to those short putts, due to the speed and the breaks to it.

We definitely would rate the greens higher but we still can’t get over the fact of the temporary greens situation. Apparently we found out that the ‘temporary’ has been the story of this course for a long time, and that is the major complaint. Call first and check and try to get them to charge cheaper!

Rough (3/5)

The rough in Tasik Puteri is penalizing but not cruel, like Paradise Valley or sadistic, like Frasers. I did hear the occasional rustling of snakes but did not see any, and thankfully, the course played quite wide in the fairways and OB was pretty much in play so I didn’t really spend a whole lot of time in the rough. Even if you do hit the rough, you can dig yourself out of it. Bunkers however weren’t very well maintain, with rocks in it that kills your clubs. You want to avoid greenside bunkers (as if we want to hit it in the first place) because its usually a very testy shot to pull off, and will rack up your score and make you look bad. You skull the ball and water awaits you the other side of the green. I ended up with 3 triple bogeys due to tough recovery shots!

Aesthetics (3/5)

There were quite a number of memorable holes in Tasik Puteri. 16 out of 18 holes has water features, and the one that does not have requires precision hits. It has an index 1 as a second hole (a strict no no) but due to the temporary greens, a good drive only required a 60 metre shot into the green. I played one OB, 3 off the tee, 4 on and two putted for double. Rats!

I tripled bogey 2 par 3s, mainly due to the water surrounding it. Hit one into the bunker and you better get the next shot proper. But the par 3 17th is a beautiful hole, elevated tee shot with a view of the entire golf course and a green down below, about 190 meters away. It’s highly intimidating because water awaits you on the right, which one of my partners pushed into. I hit a risky draw that landed on the front and two putted for par. It’s a hole you want to take pictures of.

Beyond the holes, the water makes the course very lively. Instead of the still and murky waters of Paradise Valley, Tasik Puteri designers were smart enough to put fountains to churn the waters and provide more live to it. I mean seriously, comparing those two courses were like comparing the current Arsenal first 11 vs the current Malaysia first 11. Malaysia’s like ranked, what? 1000th in the world in terms of football, behind the war torn nation of Zakathstan, which only have 16 people overall population, and only 2 able bodied men there? Malaysia Boleh!

Unfortunately, Tasik Puteri scores lower due to the stupidity of design at hole 14 and hole 15. We were putting at hole 14 and suddenly this red ball comes zinging from nowhere and lands on the green. At first, we wanted to snap in our shotguns to have a shootout with the flight behind but looking around we saw we were right next to the driving range. I’m serious. Anyone that hooks a little from the range will hit us. There is no NET! None! What is wrong with them? Can’t they just fence up the range instead of subjecting people putting on 14th or teeing up on 15th to the most harrowing experience of their life, by ducking incoming red balls from the sky?

And which sadistic designer would design two holes right next to the driving range? Doesn’t he realize how dangerous it is to provide 100 balls to a Malaysian and completely nothing between him and a few others teeing up on the course? If he’s on the range, he’s either

  1. Working on his game
  2. Really pissed off and wants to release some tension

For A, he’s probably struggling and will start hooking his balls and proceed in killing a few golfers at the tee box. For B, he’s probably so far gone and boiled up, the moment he sees someone enjoying themselves on the course with a good putt or drive, he’ll start realigning himself like a WWII turret and let fly as many balls as possible at the offensive golfer who just celebrated. Take that, you lucky twit who just hit a good putt/drive! <Evil Laughter>.

Come on, Tasik Puteri, have some brains in the design, please.

Fun Factor (5/5)

Did we have fun?

Heck, yeah.

I’m not too sure about the flight in front though.

It all started when one of my flight mates accidentally made off with the other flight’s golf bag, (which was the same brand) and had to be chased and called back. He also accidentally took the glove as well and had to gingerly hand it back to them with apologies.

Then we were all playing happily when I hit a drive on the par 5 4th that sailed closed to 260 meters out in the fairway. I had about 180 to go (now I realize) but at that time, from the markers, I thought it was about 210, 220 meters out. I took out my hybrid 22 degrees and let it ripped. It was hit so flushed that as it sailed through the air, zeroing into the green where the flight was just putting, only two thoughts came sequentially to mind.

1. “Wow! What a shot!”

2. “Oh, crap.”

I didn’t even call because I never expected the ball to reach. It hit the green about 3 feet from a guy in red shirt and spun about 15 feet away from the hole.

Expletives followed and I had to rush to apologise.

They weren’t too amused, to say the least and the face of that guy was as red as his shirt.

I must say, it was entirely my fault, and it was a good thing I wasn’t killed in the process but this was the first time I almost killed another golfer, so admittedly I missed my eagle and settled for a birdie.

Hole 10, my flight mate let rip a super tee shot and while it’s still up the air, who comes out of the trees at about 230 metres but the guy in red. It lands like 5 feet from him and nearly kills him. Again. Expletives followed.

I mean, at that time, even though we were having so much fun, we were thinking of just calling it a day and quitting. Not because we were scared of the flight in front, but it was seriously not fun to almost kill people twice, and the same guy!! I mean, how much insurance do you want me to buy? And why is it that our ball was zeroing on the guy in red? Does he resemble a front pin placement?

There was no shootout at the club house after the game, we all made peace and proceeded on with our individual golfing life, thank goodness.

Conclusion

Aside from the near murder incidents, Tasik Puteri is a fine course and very much recommended. It’s short, but it makes up for it with a whole lot of water, so you better hone your bunker shots and par 3s and approach shots properly. Is there repeated playability? Yes, we definitely want to come back to the course again and hopefully play it better, now that we know the course a little better. It’s not too far from the beaten track and once you’re seated at the clubhouse verandah with a coconut drink and nasi lemak to start your day, you’ll know it’s all worth it.

Avoid paying for caddies if you’re a little tight with cash, like us, but if you can afford it, caddies might help in terms of yardage and definitely in terms of putting which is diabolical at some holes.

Just make sure you play golf and don’t end up complicating things with Caddie 42. Or 33. Or whatever.

The good: Well designed holes, greens very well maintained and course has good risk-rewards interchanges. Drainage is very good, considering the amount of water. Par 3s are aesthetically beautiful and also deadly, like Elektra, the ninja woman; par 5s are reachable, just make sure you do not, I repeat, do not kill someone there.

The bad: Temporary greens should have pushed price lower or should have been informed: Tasik Puteri takes a hit for dishonesty! At 5900 meters, might be too short for some, and not so challenging. Stupid design at 14th and 15th next to range. Yardage is ridiculously off, perhaps motivating you to pay for caddie instead, some blind holes makes water really come in play, as well as the itinerant golfer dressed in red, strolling down the fairway. Aim for him and get extra points.

The skinny: 25 of 40 divots (62.5%). Due to the accessibility and aesthetics, this is a course that’s highly recommended for a relaxed round of golf, even if it plays a little easier, and have people hitting balls onto the green while you are putting.

Tasik Puteri Score Card

tasikputeri.jpg

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Paradise Valley Golf Resort

Introduction

I was invited to a game at Paradise Valley Golf Resort located at a township in Seremban 3. Usually when I hear about Seremban (it’s in the state next to the state I live in), I’ve got good memories of Staffield and SIGC, and some fun games I’ve had with good friends over there. With the name like Paradise Valley, images of Meru Valley obviously comes to mind and I immediately agreed to take a day off to play in a game consisting of two flights. Usually games with two flights of golfers are extremely fun, since you are able to blast a ball on the green while the front flight is still putting and not get sued or killed in the process. They will probably tee up right on the green itself and blast the ball back but come on, seriously, what are the chances of a silly white ball actually hitting a person from 200 metres out, right? It’s a thousand to one!

Travel (2/5)

Paradise is quite accessible from the North South Highway. It’s not too deep in, and quite easy to find. It’s in fact right at the new toll leading into Port Dickson town. Take the Seremban-Port Dickson turn off, turn right at the traffic light and just follow the road. You’ll eventually pass a few petrol stations and there’s Seremban 3 on the left. Turn into it, like Meru Valley, it’s a golf course that’s situated inside a township, I suppose as part of the feature. Hey, we really enjoyed Meru, right, so this is starting to look pretty promising.

The stupid thing about this is when you exit (and as you find out later, you WILL want to exit in a hurry), you can’t get back on the road you came from without U-turning. And there’s only one U-turn. At the PD toll, a small opening between the dividing poles to cut back. You miss that turning and you will need to pay for the toll to Port Dickson, and drive all the way into town and make a U-turn there. There are no signs, so it’s just really up to your observation. I mean would it kill them just to make an opening in the divider in front of Seremban 3 for cars to turn back into the main road without going to the toll? Jeez.

Price (3/5)

The price for weekdays is about 70RM all in (with buggy and insurance) but our flight had a special voucher and I only ended up paying 50RM for the day. Weekends are slightly a bit more, around 90RM. I think it’s pretty reasonable, at least they are not charging like cut throat pricing the way Datai Bay was doing.

First thoughts

Right on the first tee, images of Meru Valley were immediately replaced by images of Gunung Raya. Elevated tee box, sharp dogleg left, narrow fairway with OB right and hidden green. We looked at the course and there was just this sinking feeling (which was correctly justified later) that this was going to be a long day, filled with missing balls.

We struggled through the first hole and immediately get whacked by an Index 1 on the second. Now, I’m not too much of an advocate with bringing out the toughest hole on the second hole of the day. Obviously the designers thought it would be fun, the way how pulling out fingernails and placing your face in boiling water was considered quite fun in the middle ages; but no, I can’t say I found it very amusing at all. The second hole was a long carry over water about 180 metres, and then an elevated green (and I do mean elevated, it’s like trekking up a freaking pyramid) all for a par 4. Oh yeah, water on the right too. And OB right. Add to the fact that you haven’t even warmed up from the long journey, you really know you will screw up this hole. Which all of us did.

If you think Rahman Putra has a lot of water, Paradise is a course with patches of land in the midst of a giant mining pool. The water is not even nice to look at. At least, in KRPM we have water lilies and some plants to brighten up the golfers day after they have lost their entire cache of balls within. Paradise’s water just sits there gloomily, devoid of life, sucking the very soul of golfers who draw near. And you will hit a lot into the water. The fairways are built as if they only had space to build a nine hole course but instead wanted to suck more money out of unsuspecting golfers, so they crammed in 18.

Long day, long game and a whole lotta balls to play it.

Service (1/5)

I didn’t like the service. Ordering food was excruciatingly slow. I mean we were the only clowns in the whole club you know; why does it takes half an hour for fried rice to come? And the car park was like a 150 metres away from the entrance, so it was a long walk back to the car from the club house. Why did they do it like this? I suppose they expected like thousands of people to flock to the club and hosting the Ryder Cup or something, to make the car park so huge. Hey, it’s just our cars and the observing maintenance guy in his beat up buggy, why can’t you make the car park NEARER??! I mean, its ok if I am headed to play golf, but after 5 hours of extreme torture, under extreme heat, you want me to trek back to my car and risk dying of dehydration along the way? I don’t think so.

The guy handling our bags didn’t come till we called. And he didn’t move a muscle to drive us to our car until we insisted. Nobody was at the counter for inquiries when I wanted to get extra score card; in fact, I am so anal now that I’m peeved that they didn’t have someone salute me when I drove my car past the guard house!! What kinda service is this? Hey, a little respect here would be nice, even though we are cheapskate golfers with a voucher to get RM20 off from normal price!

Fairways (2/5)

The fairways in some holes weren’t too bad actually. Condition wise, it was maintained reasonably well. Other fairways totally sucked though, with cart grooves all muddied around it and no GUR sign or chalk to indicate a free drop. Another thing I didn’t quite like about the fairway was the occasional dog shit lying around. Ok, that’s fine, because KRPM also has that. But huge chunks of cow shit? I mean, what is this, a zoo? What am I gonna see next, a mound of triceratops crap I gotta hit from? Give me a break.

The challenge was that the fairways were tight. I didn’t think they were unfair, like Frasers, it’s just the feature and the characteristic of the course. If you like tight fairways and precision hitting with the 5 wood and wimpy irons off the tee, the same way you’d like your feet fitted into a shoe 3 sizes smaller than yours and made to run a marathon in it, hey, you know it’s your call. For me, I am supportive of huge fairways with a little leeway to land on another fairway in case my shots go awry, which of course, doesn’t happen too often, maybe 17 times out of 18 drives. But I’m a hacker and if you’re Mr Tight Fairways, you must be a PGA pro, which begs the question: Why are you even reading this? Shouldn’t you be making tons of money right now? Go away!!

Greens (3/5)

The greens in some holes were very well manicured. It has that unmistakable spongey feeling to it when you walk on it and you just know your ball is going to bite when it hits the green. However, just when you think you got it figured out, on the next hole, the roll changes and it becomes quicker and faster and more three putts are on the way. There were a LOT of 3 putts because we just didn’t know if it was going to be fast, slow or whatever. That, coupled with the undulation makes these greens less than fun to putt on. Most of the time, it’s putt and pray, that the speed was right, since we couldn’t really gauge from the previous hole. I don’t think they had a lot of control over how consistent the greens were.

Rough (2/5)

You just pray you don’t hit the rough.

Lalang, the grass that we have been introduced to in Frasers makes an unwelcomed return. As we’ve mentioned, rough that allows us to hit from but penalize us somewhat is acceptable. Rough that virtually grabs your clubs with the explicit intention to break your wrist is another story. There was a par 5 (which I thankfully found fairway, fairway, green), where one of my playing partners took 4 to get out of the rough enroute to an 8.

If this was Canoustie or St Andrews, we will readily overlook this point. But this happens to be Paradise Valley and (later we will see), it does not match up to one iota of the standard of those courses, so there has gotta be some redeeming factors in it. You make a course that’s this hard, with so little maintenance, and don’t give us eye candy for it, and you’re definitely gonna score low.

Aesthetics (0/5)

We always try to look for a signature hole.

This course has one signature hole.

Hole 19.

And it ain’t the Datai Bay type of hole 19. It’s the hole 19 where you sit under a fan and eat fried rice and drink gallons of soya bean with cincau (the de facto golf drink for Malaysian golfers to the uninitiated)

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I don’t remember playing a golf course that played so difficult, so long, and so hot. This makes Gunung Raya feel like Antartica. Seriously. I don’t know why is it so hot. The course is not matured, so there’s no grow in of shade and trees, I guess, but I’m not a golf garderner. I’m just a hacker, so I don’t need a reason to call this golf course the hottest course on earth. I just need to show them my first degree burnt marks from the sun.

I see those blasted trees around, but most of them are not even remotely close to the fairways or rough. They are just sort of standing around there, the shade out of reach from us, like some kind of mirage in the desert. We are mainly left to fend for ourselves against the extreme heat with our caps, umbrellas, portable fans. The ponds, as we’ve mentioned, doesn’t make the course any cooler. In fact, it just reminds you, reflecting the glaring sun into your eyes, how nice is it to sit at home with your air condition and a huge mug of root beer in front of you.

Because the course was so narrow, with severe drop offs from the fairways into the rough, a good part of our time was spent hiking up and down the terrain, which contributed to fluid loss and an occasional heat stroke, or epilepsy. But still we had golf to play, and when someone says, “Gosh my knees are so wobbly,” on the 13th hole and it has nothing to do with the beer girls, you know it’s about time we checked out of the course.

And as we’ve pointed out, we are very anal about the name. We don’t like names that mislead us. If you call it Clearwater, I wanna see water so clear you can peer in and watch a giant crocodile feeding on a cow at the bottom of the lake, if not, it’s not gonna cut it. If you call it Paradise Valley Golf Resort, you have a few things to live up to.

Paradise: No, it’s not. In fact, it’s the opposite. Unless it connotes that after playing this course, your next destination will likely be in heaven when you die from that heat stroke or epilepsy. As for it being a Paradise, come on, let the golfers decide before you name it that way, ok? This is definitely not a paradise, with its lack of wildlife, lack of beautiful trees, lack of shade and lack of character.

Valley: No, it’s not. This is a big lie. I don’t see rolling hills like Meru, I don’t even see why is it called a valley? All I see is a characterless course with 18 holes jumbled together in a mess, with lots of brown, murky water. Where are the hills? Why the dickens is it called Valley then? It’s next to Port Dickson, the beach place in West Malaysia. Do they think we are actually stupid?

Resort: No, it’s also not. A resort means it’s a place you can stay, or have an attached hotel, like Equatorial at Bangi or IOI at Palm Garden or Mines at, well, Mines. This is not a resort, because it just has a club house that is too far away for the car park and crappy service! Unless if it means staying inside one of the garden sheds would qualify it as a resort, this is another blatant misuse of a naming convention.

So out of the 4 words about this place, only one is true: Golf. And that too is contentious because that’s also a struggle, playing in a place where the cows and buffaloes roam, depositing their crap on the fairways.

We’re so annoyed at this naming heresy that we’re going to give it a 0 for aesthetics. Take that, you Paradise Valley liars. We’re going to call you The Nameless Course in Seremban 3 from here on, or the Nameless, for short.

Fun Factor (1/5)

It almost gets a 0 for these points:

1) Course that is so hot, most of came out looking like lobsters. I’m serious, we looked like someone just magic inked us red or black and we were the same colour as the maintenance workers. They almost passed us brooms to get us to sweep the cart path.

2) Fairways so tight that we were almost killed by balls from another hole. Which happened to be also our friends. But that doesn’t matter.

3) Carpark so far away we need to hitchhike to it.

4) What the heck is cow dung doing in the course? You mean there are freaking cows hanging around here? Actual cows??!

5) Messed up fairways with cart grooves and bad drainage.

6) Murky water breeding disease. The next epidemic will happen right here. We need to contact WHO and blast this course out of the face of this planet as soon as possible.

7) Inconsistent greens and lalang rough. And reminding us of that jackal of a course in Frasers.

8) A name that misleads and woefully, absolutely woefully falls short of its lofty suggestion.

9) Thinking that us golfers are stupid. Actually the golf course can’t think, but we mean the designers, or the guys that named this course.

It gets a point just because we still had a bit of fun, with two flights. You really can’t beat a morning hanging out with golfers (even if you don’t know them at first), and having a good time jabbing each other after that.

Conclusion

The Nameless Course in Seremban 3 requires a lot of precision, patience and energy to play it. It saps you like a sponge, drawing away your soul with every shot until you struggle up to the last hole, devoid of life or remembrance of the past.

Did we enjoy it? The consensus was a resounding no. Will we return? We can’t wait to get the heck out of there and blot this memory forever from our lives.

And it’s not finished. We still have that long, long trek back to our cars.

The good: It’s pretty accessible, just watch the U-turn to get home; price is reasonable, very challenging to some and attractive for precision hitters who are also known as the officially insane.

The bad: Terrible choice of names, all the above points under Fun Factor.

The skinny: 14 of 40 divots (35%). Play without expecting too much and you might find it tolerable. For us, this is the first, only and last experience with the Nameless Course of Seremban 3.

Paradise Valley Score Card

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Fraser's Hill Golf Club

Introduction

In Malaysia, there are a couple of highland courses that you can go to. Cameron Highlands and Genting have their options, and so does Bukit Tinggi. Generally, highland courses are especially challenging because fairways are usually framed by thick OB forests and streams meander here and there, carrying away golfballs down into the lowlands and into the distant ocean.

Fraser’s Hill is also a destination for golfers hopeful for the killer combination of the perfect course in a perfect weather. I mean, why couldn’t it be done? It’s already cooling, so no worries about chopping a couple of acres of woodlands to make a golf course. The weather, with the thin air that makes your ball goes like 20% further, makes golf almost as obvious as Tiger’s red on Sunday. Actually seeing your ball soar through the air is probably the only reason why highland courses are so attractive, since it gives us a false illusion of our greatness. Now our 250 metres into the right side of the fairway is translated to 280 metres into the jungle instead. Marvellous!

So away we went to Frasers, to have a true highlands golf experience.

There were 2 courses I wanted to try, but I found out the the 18th hole course, Fraser’s Hill GCC had been closed down, probably due to poor maintenance and lack of funding. It has been closed since goodness knows when. Don’t you hate it when sites advertise:

“Frasers Silverpark Resort Fraser’s Hill Malaysia offers two golf courses, the 18 hole championship golf course, rated among the most challenging course in Malaysia. Well manicured greens and tight fairways provide the golfer an ever challenging and exciting round.”

Come on, it’s closed. Update your site for goodness sakes!

So I was left to play the 9 hole golf course at the town centre.

Travel (1/5)

Getting up to Frasers used to be a pain in the a*se, with the frequent turns and narrow windy roads. It’s still a pain, except now the so called Gap has ceased to exist. Instead, they (I guess the tourism board or whatever) became smart after 50 years and decided to make another road up and use the old Gap road to get down.

Basically, get to the North South Highway and turn off in at Rawang turn off. From there, turn right and run through the town, as well as several others. Your aim is to get to this place called Kuala Kubu Baru, or KKB which is at the foothills of Frasers. You’ll see numerous signs there. Just make sure you see Ipoh signs and you know you’re on the right road, on the old Ipoh highway. You’ll see a big Kuala Kubu sign to turn right eventually (watch out for it!) and once you do that you’ll enter into town and you’ll see plenty of signs to point you to Frasers.

The trip sucks. I mean there’s no way around it. Unless there’s like a giant ice cream all you can eat festival up there with the Goo Goo Dolls playing, there’s simply no reason why you’d want to subject yourself, or your poor family (if you have one) to one of the worst, windy travel experience found in Malaysia. I mean, do you want your car to smell like vomit (from your kids), your ears with endless complaints (from your wife) and your life with endless regrets (from your inner self who is committing suicide by the second)?

After an hour of torture as bad as the Chinese middle age implements, you are rewarded by the famous Frasers clock tower, all 7 feet of it in its finest glory. It’s a small round about, consisting of a few stores to buy things, and to eat and of course the Frasers Hill Golf Club. Other than that, there’s a prominent sign pointing back to KL, which after maybe 20 minutes sitting around the town centre, you’ll be packing up and heading home.

The golf better be good.

Price (2/5)

Frasers Hill Golf Club cost me RM21 to play the whole day. You heard right. Apparently, in this part of the world, they don’t care how many holes you play. This is primarily due to a few reasons

1) It’s an attractive package to promote golf in the highlands

2) They will go by the assumption that you will lose all your balls, and your mind by the time you are done with 9 holes.

Is this a good price? With RM21 I could have watched two movies, or bought 21 Maxfli balls from my supplier, or buy my dog a nice chew bone. I could do a lot with RM21. Was it worth it?

You can’t really fault RM21 for a whole day golf experience, so it’s a 3/5. Good, because it’s a good package that all courses should adopt when I go, but bad, because well, we’ll see later.

First thoughts

Standing over the first tee, you actually feel a little nice about the broad fairway facing you. You feel even nicer when you let your first drive rip and see it soar a whole lot farther than your crappy swing actually deserve. Especially when there’s a gallery watching you, since the entire town has a nice view of the first tee, so don’t get too pressured and duff it. The kacang putih seller might actually burst out laughing, prompting you to quickly jog away into obscurity.

But first impressions don’t last. After crossing the bridge, I squished into what passed as the fairway and found my ball caked with mud.

From there, I kinda knew where this whole thing was going.

Service (0/5)

I strolled up to the counter to find a half awake lady accepting my money. When asked if there were balls being sold, she yawned and said, “Sold out.” I asked for a card and she looked at me quizzically and said, “What? We don’t have a card!” So how do you keep scores? On a piece of leaf? What kind of course does not bother to even have their own darn card for goodness sake? It’s like having a baby and then going, what the heck, let’s not bother about his name.

No card, no balls, no lockers, no maintenance, no nothing.

Fairways (0/5)

I can’t even comment on the fairway. Because there’s no fairway. Either that, or there’s no rough. Everywhere is overgrown, weedy, soggy, muddy and crappy. The fairway eats your ball up. In fact, if they bull dozed the fairways over here, they will probably recover enough golf balls to build the second Taj Mahal. Because the course was narrow, I teed up with a 6 iron. With a higher loft, my ball flight obviously was a lot higher. It lands without a bounce, and the next appearance would be in the centre of the earth. No way to recover it. So, shifting to a 3 wood, 5 wood or driver makes a lower trajectory, but because the darn fairways are so narrow, you can run out of fairway and into the first cut, which is about waist high grass with deadly snakes and a giant wombat with boxing gloves about to knock your other balls off.

Fairways? After a couple of holes, I am trying to avoid fairways and roughs as well, and was just praying my ball will fly 370 metres in the thin air to land on the green. Oh yeah and also for the ball to bend miraculously around the dogleg. Some prayers will probably never see the light of day in God’s prayer queue, and I think this is one of ‘em.

Fraser’s un-fairways get the lowest of the low. 0. What a mess.

Greens (0/5)

What greens? Oh, I get it. They used the fairway grass for the greens because that’s what it is. Someone got mixed up. I mean, there has got to be an explanation why there is a tuft of cowgrass right in the middle of my putting line right? And how my ball will roll anywhere except straight when on the green. I mean what the heck is this? Aim 20 feet to the right and hopefully it will bounce and rebound like a pinball into the hole? You can’t putt, it’s soggy, and we’ve got pitchmarks the size of a China on the green.

Some greens are marked with GUR, so only half the green is accessible. This is because wildboars have actually dug up the entire green in search for grubs, potatoes, acorns, anything that greedy pigs will feast on. Some of us understand that eating pattern quite well. While I do believe wildboars are pests and should be shot and cooked and boiled with herbs, that’s not an excuse as to why the greenkeeper should not be doing something with it. That sign has been so long up that there are moss growing on the board and plants using the sign to creep upwards to the light. The definition of GUR is Ground Under Repair, not Greenskeeper Under Retirement.

Rough (0/5)

Generally, we applaud the rough that makes it difficult for us to hit from. Some sort of penalty, right. But this rough takes the cake. It truly is ‘Rough’. Actually, it’s more like Unchartered Territories of the New World. The lalang grass is so long, it threatens to envelope my playing partners and take forever to digest them. It’s like the Sarlac in Return of the Jedi, you know the one that Bobba Fett fell into. For non Star Wars geek, it’s quite an inconvenient way to die.

And the worse thing here is that there’s no first cut. In fact, the fairway (which as we’ve gone through is long grass), just makes way to longer grass and an obscure drain that threatens to break your ankle. What kind of course is this anyway? Not only do we need to deal with un-fairways in Frasers, we need to deal with roughs filled with potholes, quicksand and the occasional king cobra nesting her eggs (I didn’t see any, but I would guess she’s somewhere in there.) And of course, wild boars digging up the entire course like there’s no tomorrow. I hit flush a beauty on the par 3 sixth for it to land on the upslope of the green.

It disappeared. I mean, the entire upslope was dug up by wildboars, what the heck was I to do? I give up. It’s a ball eater. It’s ok to punish, but to render players half mad with frustration is simply not a golf courses’ job. That job belongs to the new driver you paid a thousand bucks for and play like crap. Or slow flights on a Saturday morning. Or nasi lemak without sambal. It’s simply not done.

Aesthetics (1/5)

If you expect a course that entrances you like the Alps in Switzerland, boy, you’re in for a reality check. After the first hole, you come to the second hole and you realize you need to tee off back into the fairway of the first hole. What? Hey, man walking with your walker, I’m gonna hit my ball back to you, so please duck ok?? What? I can’t hear you, so fore!!!

The course is so tight on budget, it has to use the same fairways for different holes, and the same tee box for different holes. I mean, I could be twacking a 6 iron and beside me, another guy is launching into the next par 3. Did I pay 21 bucks for a freaking driving range? And come on, seriously, what is this, borrow the fairway concept? It’s taking it to another level. Don’t buy into their “Oh, we want to preserve nature so we don’t want to knock down too many trees.” That’s all bosh. They should have thought of that in the first place and built a nature reserve instead of a stupid golf course. No, it’s because the developers decided to stick some cash into their pockets and make us think they designed the course with nature on their mind, while driving their BMWs to the bank and cackling in pure evil. Anyone that advertises golf courses in harmony with nature is officially insane. Really. There’s no such thing. Golf and Nature will contend and war against each other till the Trumpets sound in the second coming.

The signature hole 8 is an elevated tee off to 240 m. It’s a par 4 you definitely can drive. Only problem is, right below you is the 7th green, at the left side is the main road, winding down next to the horse paddock, so you have tons of cars parked there. And you are actually using part of the fairway of the 7th. Imagine if you topped the ball, you kill the guys on the green. You sky the ball, it lands on the guys on the fairway; you hook the ball you either cause a major death on the road, or you kill Black Beauty. You push the ball and you will kill the guys teeing up on the 9th. Either way, you’ll be tried and sentence 40 years for negligence and insanity, or animal abuse. Standing over the tee shot, it’s like your entire life of freedom flashes before you and you know, this is your last tee shot as a free man.

There is also a dog that will follow you around. This is especially annoying since you’ll be on your backswing and he comes bounding out of nowhere to sniff at your balls. Golfballs, that is. I nearly mashed its head a few times. The positive thing is that he would chase after the lost ball like some kind of retriever, but not go into the long grass due to the cobras. I mean, if you chase it, chase it all the way, right? And I don’t remember paying for a dog!!

And also, what the heck is it with F.H.D.C? Shouldn’t it be FHGC for Frasers Hill Golf Club? What’s D.C? Did someone order the wrong alphabet and now they call it Frasers Hill Death to all Clubbers? I know it doesn’t fit, but seriously, what is it with FHDC??! It bugs us, because it’s like a treasure hunt clue that does not make any sense whatsoever.

Argh!! Now please proceed to Tee Box 8, and go and kill Black Beauty.

Fun Factor (0/5)

It’s rare that we don’t have even one single bit of fun on a golf course. The drivable hole 8 would have provided enough drama for us to actually give it a decent rating, but the setup is too dangerous for the world at large. There is simply no way I am going to play that tee shot again, unless I want to go on the lam and be hunted down like a wombat. The other holes played too narrow, too unforgiving. There’s a difference between challenge and sadism. This is the latter. The designers of this course clearly has no idea where the line is. For example, hole 8, a par 3. Elevated tee box, 100 metres away. Couple of trees, well, that’s normal.

No, the trees are in the middle, as in, we have to hit OVER these trees to hit the green. Either that or aim far right and hook the ball back into the green. Since we are clearly not PGA professionals (and if we are, we are probably terrorists hostages forced at gunpoint to play on this course), we have to resort to hitting it over the trees (which usually ends up rebounding back and cracking the skull of our partners). I am not kidding, we have to hit OVER. And these are not your tiny trees found at the roadside of a highway. These are trees born and bred to destroy your golf balls. Standing massively high, these pines grow every day, year by year, bigger and bigger. I wonder what the course superintendent (who is probably the kacang putih seller at the entrance) plans to do. Soon, we won’t be able to see the green anymore and we can abandon the hole for dead, or use our 7 iron to chop it down.

Seriously, do they actually think that’s fun? It’s possibly one of the worst designed holes ever! I managed to fly my PW over the trees but forgot to calculate elevation and thin air and sent it crashing into forest oblivion beyond. I just hope I killed a wild boar with that shot. Curses to you, wild boars, our eternal foes!

Conclusion

I think one of my playing partners succinctly described the course. “This is by far, the <expletive> course I’ve ever played on.” Expletive here means it’s so bad, the words are not fit for consumption. We usually want to find at least one or two positives about the course, but we’re hard pressed to do so. It would have been ok if the course was in your backyard and the golf balls you would be missing be funneled back somehow into your garage by some sort of magic. Other than that scenario, I cannot see who would be crazy enough to drive all the way up here to play on this sorry excuse of a course. It’s not a golf course, it’s somebody’s backyard that so happens to have a few flags sticking out of the ground and a hole you can attempt to whack your balls into.

You will lose a lot of balls, seriously. Don’t bother searching for lost balls, because it’s too dangerous and it’s not worth it. Take the oldest balls you can find and the oldest clubs you have as you will subject them to much humiliation in this course.

If you have 2 hours to kill in Frasers, I’d think sitting at the clock tower and watching flowers grow by the nanometer is more satisfying than playing on this piece of highland junk.

The good: Good weather. For a cup of tea!

The bad: Too many. Everything here basically sucks. Don’t waste your time on this course. If you want highland golf, skip Frasers and head to Genting. At least, no wild boars, borrowed fairways, death trap tee box and par 3s that require you to hit over trees. And no stupid dogs that don’t collect our lost balls from the rough.

The skinny: 4 of 40 divots (10%). It’s impossible to recommend this course to anybody, except people who intend to commit suicide. Terrible, terrible experience.

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Rahman Putra Golf Club

Introduction

Rahman Putra or KRPM as it is known, has a reputation. It goes like this:

Foursome chit chatting at the first tee while waiting for the fairway to clear.

“So which club do you play at?”

“Rahman Putra.”

“Waahhh. You must be really good.”

I have no idea where that came about because I’m a KRPM member and have been playing there for years and I still am a hacker. The name KRPM invokes respect, fear and awe from other golfers, like how Godzilla used to before a million stuffed toys turned it into a cheap competitor of Barney the purple dinosaur. Is the reputation justifiable?

Yes and no.

KRPM is a tough course because there’s a heck lot of water. And it’s not like drains and stuff, its like ponds and lakes, that houses plesiosauruses and gobble up your golf balls. The famed ending holes on the back nine, 16,17 and 18th plays index 6, 2 and 8 and needs a carry over water for 2nd shots. We call it the Amen Ending (a ‘la the Amen Corner), but most of the words that come from the mouth during the final stretch are definitely not yes and amen.

But if you compare KRPM to the other courses, you see statistically it’s quite mediocre. It plays to 6130 m, about 700 metres longer than Bangi, but falls short of Clearwater’s monster 6482 m. It’s 71.9 course rating is less than Clearwater’s 74 and slope of 129, less than 135 of Clearwater.

No wonder we were struggling like twits playing in Clearwater!!

Travel (3/5)

KRPM used to have a travel rating of -100, as one of the ways was to go through the Sungai Buloh trunk road, pass Sierramas and Valencia, or take the NKVE and turn off at Sg. Buloh. I used to push off at 12 noon to reach there for a 2 pm tee off, and that too after running over a few motorbikes on the way.

They have finished the new freeway and now traveling is cut down to hardly 30 minutes. The road condition is still bad, since heavy lorries still ply that route and you’ll get potholes and an occasional falling boulder from the truck, but otherwise, its accessible now.

Price (3/5)

KRPM has a lot of generous packages. It’s a ‘package’ course. They’ll package in a meal, or an early tee off, or half price off the buggy, or women’s day, or happy hour, or senior citizen package…everything you can shake a stick at, KRPM has done it. It’s reasonable, but it loses points for weekend rates. It’s good for members like us, but the problem is that its too expensive to invite people to play over the weekend, guest have to fork out close to RM200 for a weekend flight. It’s a nice course, but its still cowgrass and its not a brilliant experience.

First thoughts

Newcomers to the course will be shocked at the opening tee. Both 1st and 10th tee requires a carry over hazard. Long drivers can bomb it but they will soon find out that KRPM rewards the placement players in most of the holes, and have trees blocking even on the fairway.

The shorter hitters sometimes resort to a 7-iron tee off which will usually find the fairway but they will forever be classified as wimpy mama boys who can’t handle their big stick (or lacks a big stick), which brings forth a thousand connotations that the person might not be able to live with. It’s better to hit a driver into OB and say, “It’s hard to control my big stick,” or into the pond and say, “What to do, my big stick always finds the wet places.”

Both jokes and several thousands similar are common on the golf course, and it seems bad taste jokes are generally accepted as the norm here. The problem is when golfers come out into society with the same tastless jokes and expect a laugh, instead procuring a glare, a slap or a well deserved kick in the nuts by the more genteel gender.

KRPM is a matured course, therefore you’ll find plenty of shade. However, carts are not allowed to roam on the fairways and because the setup is that we have parallel fairways, the strategy of borrowing fairways come in play here. So there’s quite a long walk from the cart over to the next fairway. This can slow down the game considerably.

Balls can fly all over like WWII as well. There are many blind spots aside from parallel fairway, and in some occasions I’ve seen balls zoom over my head and we’ll be hitting the ground.

Service (5/5)

The service is generally very good. Reception staff is friendly and they know me by my name, which means either I am a lifeless golf nut or they are very good at remembering people. The food there is very good, surprising for a golf club. The members generally have quite a lot of clout in the club and we can submit complaints over almost anything from fixing the darn drainage to wearing turtle necks to play. The only minus is that they force guests to have caddies, which I think is just silly. The caddies are new, so they don’t really add any value to my game. They can’t really contribute much in terms of course design or strategy, because I’ve probably played there longer than them and you don’t really lose too many balls in KRPM due to the lack of OB in most holes.

But there’s one person in KRPM that perhaps is the most important individual and best friend in your golf career. He’s the ball seller found at the green on the par 5 3rd/tee box on the 4th. He sells all balls flat at RM1, which is about 0.3 USD. I get ALL my Maxfli Blackmax there. I know a person who buys all his PRO-V1s there and these balls are generally 8/10 or above in terms of condition. Very well cleaned, looks very new and an honest chap who gives free balls for every 10 you buy. I even have his mobile number to place orders. He’s the best of the best in terms of deals.

Fairways (3/5)

The fairways are not Bermuda. It’s what we call cowgrass. There’s a reason it’s called cowgrass. These are the grass cows eat. It’s tough and it doesn’t sit your ball up like Bermuda or twiff. In fact, some people will find cowgrass harder to hit on than real cows. It catches your club if you dig too much, resulting in fat shots, too much divot and you might break your wrist. Take too little and you might skull it into one of the waiting ponds. In fact, standing over your ball with a 180 m carry over water for second shot can be downright diabolical. It’s not uncommon for golfers to break down weeping after depositing ten balls into the lake. They usually have to be carried away by the marshals and then the group behind can pass through.

Fairways in KRPM are undulating, you’ll be hitting balls below, above your feet on down slopes, up slopes. Any sort of position except straight and flat. So get ready to compensate for slices, hooks and the omnipresent duff.

Greens (3/5)

The greens are usually what KRPM-ers are really proud of. Like the fairways, the greens are undulating, hilly and have like 20 breaks before reaching the hole. In fact, the 18th green has such a slope that a ball landing at the back of the green can funnel all the way down and off the green. Putting can be downright painful. In fact, it’s better to play short and chip and putt as opposed to hitting in regulation with a 40 footer. Generally, the greens are slow, but some are inconsistent. It doesn’t catches the ball the way Meru or Impiana green does, so approach shots must come in high. For golfers with lower trajectory like mine, expect the ball to fly off tabletop greens, or roll into the bunker after hitting what you think is a good shot. I’ve never seen a ball spin on KRPM and there are some bald patches here and there. It’s not bad, but not something I’ll shout about. I like the undulation but the inconsistency throws me off.

Rough (4/5)

Ah, the famed KRPM rough. Hit into one of these and that’s it. You’ll be lucky if it sits up. In fact you’ll be lucky if you can find it! It really puts a premium for fairway hits. In the rough, it sinks in and I’ve found many lost balls while looking for mine. There are also natural elements that makes it harder, like fire-ants that crawls up your pants. There are no giant lizards, hardly any snakes, but those ants are devilish. Great care needs to be taken as you enter into the trees to punch the ball out, because when they bite, you better wish it ain’t where the sun don’t shine.

Aesthetics (2/5)

KRPM is a course built from palm oil plantation. It’s like a wizened woman past her prime, but would still punish you for all your wayward drives and lackadaisical approach shots. There’s nothing really beautiful about this course, it’s functional, its tough, its challenging, it’s like a 40 year old marriage. It’s not a course I’d bring my investors or customers to, let’s put it this way, but it’s a course I’d go play alone to get better at golf. It gets a low grade also due to the lack of wildlife except for fire ants and stray dogs running around the fairways. Ever heard of ball in a foot print in the sand? Well, we’ve got dogs sleeping in the bunker and creating a crater for our ball to land on!

Fun Factor (2/5)

Perhaps it’s because I’ve played it so many times over the past years that the fun factor is simply no longer there. I do recall the first time I played there, I was so frustrated with the course, I vow I would never come back again. I obviously did, but I can’t recall a time I had total fun on the course. Most of the time was functional golf, getting better, putting better, but not going crazy like what we did in Datai Bay.

Conclusion

There’s really nothing much to complain about this course. It’s not as long, but it does take some strategizing because of the amount of water that comes in play. Long drives are sometimes rewarded with a splash, or you’re swinging like a baseball batter at some holes with the ball so much above your feet.

Even though its shaded, you’ll go through your water, because you’ll likely be walking a lot to your ball. Also, traffic over the weekend is crazy. We need to have at least 5 hours to finish 18 if we’re lucky. Booking for the weekend is impossible if you call too late on a Monday. Because it’s accessible, the course can get pretty hacked up, that’s why maintenance is very much vital in this course. The people here are generally friendly and would invite you to join, if you can play a decent game.

Just keep the golf jokes to yourself.

The good: Greens are good challenges, food is superb, best deal in used golfballs in the world found here, the rough really punishes, walk in rates reasonable on week days, 36 holes allow each nine to be maintained and recovered.

The bad: Not a very pretty course, parallel fairways makes it dangerous to hit and be hit by stray balls, table top greens hard to hold and inconsistent, fairway cow grass tough to hit and predict, weekend rates are inhuman, too many people on the weekends, hard to find a flight time and long wait between shots.

The skinny: 25 of 40 divots (62.5%). Functional and challenging course, not much of a wow factor.

Rahman Putra Score Card

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Datai Bay Golf Club

Introduction

Datai Bay. We’ve been hearing people telling us different things about Datai. It’s a beautiful course. It’s a links course. It’s next to the ocean. It’s in the jungle. It’s in the mountains. It’s like Pebble Beach. It’s crap. It’s overrated, so on and so on and so on. We know it will cost us a lot, but since we are irresponsible, unaccountable gentlemen of this prestigious, money sucking game called golf, we were ready for the damage.

Travel (3/5)

Like Gunung Raya, once you get to Langkawi, everything is pretty much accessible. Datai is a bit out of the way though, but the trip there is through some of the most scenic parts of Langkawi. It’s a nice drive, just watch out for the darn cows.

Price (1/5)

I know it sounds crazy to rate 3/5 for a course that cost RM340 just to tee up a ball, but the fact is, we felt it was money well spent, as later it will show. It wasn’t going to be cheap, but was it worth it? Lets put it this way, I rather put 340 RM in Datai than to pay RM140 for Gunung Raya. It’s not the best deal in the world, but quality has a price so for once, stop being so cheapskate in your golf!!

First thoughts

You feel as if you are part of royalty when you get into the club. They really treat you well, from registration till the time you tee it up.

Standing on the first tee (we teed up from back 9), one thought comes:

I’m gonna lose a lot of balls.

It’s a jungle course. Don’t let the ‘Bay’ in the name fool you. The only Bay we get to see is on the 19th signature hole. Other than that, it’s trees, jungles, monkeys and baboons as your fans.

Not to say it’s like KGPA quality jungle. Somehow, even the jungle has an air of class. I half expect a baboon to be sitting on a branch smoking a cigar and saying, “Jolly good shot, old fellow,” on the first tee. The course is deceivingly long. It’s doesn’t look long on paper, but perhaps the air is heavier, or simply because of the jungle framing the sides, and the fact that 5-wood comes in the tee off, makes my approach with 7-irons or 4w a lot more difficult. It’s quite intimidating to have trees all around you. There were a few holes where a tantalizingly super shot was on its merry way to the green only to have one rogue branch deflecting it into oblivion.

Interaction with wild life was great. I felt like I was part of the Animal Planet series. There was a hole where 5 feet long lizard was ambling its way about 3-4 feet from my ball. Play as it lies? It might think I was going to 9-iron his egg and start attacking me. A few holes we had to chase away monkeys from invading our buggy. We would be lining up to putt when suddenly one of us would be whooping and screaming and running towards the buggy flailing our putter like a mace while the monkey scampers away chattering. The smaller ones are fine. It’s those big black monkeys with white tipped arses, sitting ominously and staring at us silently that scares the dickens out of me. Ever watched the show Congo?

Never bring food in a plastic and leave it in the buggy. Most monkeys will go for that, and some might even collaborate and drive away leaving you to walk back to the clubhouse alone. It’s considered very embarrassing to lose your buggy to monkeys, so be careful!! Either plant a plastic explosive in a bag or purchase a putter that can be changed into a 12 gauge shotgun, to blow these mammals back to Monkey Heaven.

Above all, if you’re terrified of lizards, it’s best you stay out of the rough and be prepared to start screaming.

Service (5/5)

From the time they took our bags, the service was top class. Registration was a breeze.They gave us drinks , bright smiles and sent us off to the first tee, like seeing their children off the first day of school. We didn’t have time to check out the changing room but I’m sure there’s an OSIM chair for us and a masseur at hand. It’s a 5 of 5 also because we have staff/marshals driving around the course, looking for things left behind. My camera case and cap was retrieved like 4 holes after I lost it by one of the marshals. When we finished, they would clean our clubs and shoes and not beg for tips, (unlike those hooligans at Bangi), and they would send us off by breaking into the song, “So Long, Farewell” a’la the von Trapp family. You don’t get any better than this.

Fairways (4/5)

This gets 4/5 divots. The turf here is even and a delight to hit from. Diggers like me tend to struggle a bit, but it sits up and there’s a premium hitting from the fairway. The toughest part is actually finding the blasted fairway! It’s narrow, challenging and really gives you the go for broke-easier approach or play it safe-long approach tradeoff. I tried the latter approach but when your 5 wood is hooking, you might as well gun with the Big Dog. Pars are not as easy as it looks, and its imperative that you are playing fairways on this course. The drainage is generally good, but the natural undulation makes it really challenging to play your approaches.

Course management is also essential. Because it’s a jungle course, a good tee off too far might have one of those blasted trees blocking your approach. Plot your landing areas, as there are many blind spots that you’ll need to hook or slice your way around.

Greens (3/5)

Perhaps the only poor quality of Datai are the greens. I would have liked the greens to be smoother and more spinnable. Perhaps it’s the salt air or the soil that makes it harder to have closely compacted greens but it was generally not pristine. It wasn’t bad or anything but because we paid so much to play, the measurement standards are always higher, and in that respect, the greens in Datai were a little disappointing.

Rough (5/5)

The rough was an adventure to be in. There’s a meandering stream that snakes its way through the course that gobbles up your shots when you think you’ve hit it flush. The rough snatches your ball, even on the first cut, and be prepared to hit hooks out of the rough. The grass really catches your club so grip it hard to open it and not turn over. It adds a lot of good elements in the game and severely punishes wayward drives. It also adds the danger of a monitor lizard chomping off your leg or a hoard of monkeys holding you hostage with your shotgun putter.

Aesthetics (5/5)

What can I say? The scenery is absolutely fantastic. But it’s the par 3s of Datai that really take your breath away. One of the holes I liked was the par 3 15th, an elevated tee shot through jungle foliage to a small green 140 m down, fronted by still lakes and framed by jungle. Most of the holes are crafted around the contours of the jungle, so you hardly get parallel greens running together, and each hole seemed to have its own personality, its distinct character. You don’t get the feeling you’re in a golf course, because every hole is self contained, in its own drama, in its own adventure, its own story to tell. There are holes that dares you to gun for it like the 18th with a fairway so broad you can land a Boeing 777 on it, and which I proceeded to triple bogeyed it. There are holes with narrow fairways but rewards high risks drives, like the 9th, which I also proceeded to triple bogey it.

Of course, the famous hole 19th is not part of the course (well, you can play it as 17th) but most of us KL people would play both 17th and 19th. When you finish 17th, track back across the road to the 19th hole BEFORE you tee up for 18th. Be prepared to lose your flight spot but you won’t regret the 19th.

It’s to a small green, carrying about 170 m of the Andaman Sea. To your right, the waves lap the base of the tee box, and in the distance, mountain peaks from the other islands stands as your gallery, bearing testimonies of horrendous golfers all over the world. The scenery can’t be explained, but it just blows you away, I guarantee it. Standing there, you feel that this could be the most exhilarating golfing moment of your life.

Fun Factor (5/5)
A course that gives you 19 holes instead of 18? Hey you cant beat that. We were running around like kids in a candy store, every hole was greeted with “Wow”, “Super!” or “Oh, I am so screwed”. The wow factor was off the charts. The fact was we played at Gunung Raya the day before and almost passed out dehydrated. In Datai, the jungle is so cooling, you think you’re playing somewhere in England or something. We were shooting pictures everywhere, and it was a little disappointing as we came to the last hole and had to finish our round there.

Conclusion
Datai Bay is the best course I’ve ever played on. Of course I haven’t played yet in a lot of courses but in terms of challenge, hole design, scenery, overall fun factor. Everything is excellent, except the exorbitant price. I would think it caters towards tourists who earns in US and who looks at us with impunity. It’s cooling, it’s challenging and it’s not short like resort courses. The 19th hole is a must play. It’s like Pebble Beach 17th, one of the most famous holes in the world. We can’t get Pebble Beach (as a note, there IS a Pebble Beach in Langkawi, but it’s a beach filled with…yep, pebbles, literally), so Datai 19th is as good as it can get. If no one pressures you from the back, feel free to whack 3 – 4 balls in there. We spent almost 20 minutes around the 19th hole just fooling around, hitting multiple shots and donating balls to the Andaman. After all, when would be the next time we come back?

The good: Super scenery and hole design, challenging layout, well cared for and undulating, natural fairway, cooling jungle environment, interaction with Wildlife, signature 19th is a must play, and staffs that really treats you like family.

The bad: Greens are disappointing for a premier course, price sets you back to eat Maggi noodles for a month, watch out for snakes in the rough, Monkeys are aggressive and intimidating, especially the ones with the white tipped arse.

The skinny: 31 of 40 divots (77.5%). One of the best course out there. Dig into your pockets and spend on it if you call yourself a golfer.

Datai Bay Scorecard

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Gunung Raya Golf Resort

Introduction
Gunung Raya was a recommended course by the Langkawi locals for us. Most likely because we’re local, hence the local sentiment is that we are probably caddies looking to play with our masters golf clubs. Probably also we look like young punks and lack the required class usually attached to golfers around this area. We were supposed to choose between GR and Datai Bay for our Langkawi golf experience and have a practice round at the Langkawi Golf Club (a lower class club likely reserved for caddies like us), but since the entrance of the Langkawi Club brought memories of the Land of the Dead 2, we decided to go with GR and the next day, tee it up at Datai Bay.

Travel (3/5)
It gets a 3/5 simply because it’s in Langkawi, and it’s a plane away. But once there, it’s easy to get around. Get a map once you reach Langkawi and just follow it. You can’t get lost, it’s just a circle around the island. You obviously require a car, and car rentals are pretty reasonable. The one advice is, pay for a good car. At least one with airbags. Forget about Protons and Peroduas no matter how attractive they want to trick you with the price. In Langkawi, you’ll have cows randomly traipsing across the roads and if you do hit one, you’ll wish you paid that extra cash for a better car than the junk called Proton. We nearly hit two during our stay there, and I wish I was driving a tank to run these suckers over with.

Price (1/5)
The advertised price was 240RM, but we got in for 120RM, because they were sanding the greens. There are no weekend rates in Langkawi, nor any packages. Their mentality is that all days are weekends and packages are only for stingy caddies flying in from KL, hence they do not cater for our kind. No, you don’t even get a water bottle. Just play your golf and drive your Proton out of here while we cleanse the club of your presence.

First thoughts
As we entered the club, we were greeted by two dilapidated huts we thought were the clubhouses. I’m not sure what the purpose of these huts are for, but we drove on and were soon greeted by the better looking, real clubhouse.

Gunung Raya means Celebration Mountain, although I’m not sure what we are celebrating about when we proceeded to duff our way around the first hole. It’s has a nice elevated tee, slight dogleg right, a great view of the distant mountains and a preview of the whole course we would soon embark on.

From off the 1st tee, you will notice one thing about this course.

It’s hot.

It’s one of those immature courses with very little shade and high exposure to the sun. This plus the fact we teed off about 11 am in the morning made us wish we woke up earlier to play. By the time we reached the 4th hole, we were halfway through our water supply and we felt like we registered for the foreign legion. By the 6th, we had mirages of hole in ones, pirate ships and John Daly ambling the fairway in a tutu.

The fairways are wide, and I worked my way around mainly with my trusty 5 wood. As you will see later, it’s risky taking out the Big Dog. But traveling all the way to Langkawi and not hit your Big Dog? Man, what a waste.

The 10th hole is a beautiful hole, a dogleg right par 5, with water on the left, and a generous green to receive your approach shots.

Service (3/5)

I have no idea how the service is, since I did not see any other human beings (my friend checked us in while I changed in the parking lot). But they are honest because they slashed their rates and told us the green was being sanded, so they get 3 of 5 divots.

Fairways (3/5)

This gets 3/5 divots. Fairways here are very generous. You’ll need to be half blind to miss them (which we did, so we are half blind after all). The turf is Bermuda, and your ball sits nicely, waiting to be hit. There’s not much OB or hazard here, but you still need a generous amount of balls if you constantly hit into the rough. The back nine has more water and more foliage, which was a welcomed sight for us, as we were already half cooked by the time we made the turn. You could hear our skin sizzle.

Greens (1/5)

OK, they were sanding the greens, but they get 1 of 5 divots for sanding both nines so we had a lousy putting experience in the course. In fact, the ball would squiggle and bounced anywhere except the hole. I might as well be putting in the bunker. They should either:

1) Make the hole like 3 times bigger.

2) Make like 5 or 6 holes on the green so we can put to the hole closest to our ball.

Why do they actually need so much freaking sand on the green anyway?!?

Rough (2/5)

I don’t mind roughs that are tough to hit from since it is supposed to penalize bad shots. What I can’t accept are roughs that eat up your ball and swallow it. It’s like the twilight zone, the Living Rough, where it gleefully awaits wayward drives. Did it land here? No, I can’t find it, it’s gone. I saw it bounce! No, it’s gone. Now go back and tee your ball again, you lousy cock-eyed driver.

It’s partly due to bad irrigation around the course, as there were places in the rough that were soggy and likely plugged up the ball to oblivion. It doesn’t make sense, while the weather is so hot, that there are spots around the course that’s soggy. What’s going on? Is there some kind of secret stream running underground that sucks everything in? Come on, there has gotta be Rules of Engagement between us and the course in any golf game. How do I play if I can’t find a ball that was only a few metres off from the fairway? Why can’t we all just get along?

Aesthetics (2/5)

Gunung Raya is one of those courses where initially it entrances you. It’s like a beautiful girl you meet in a club, under the neon lights and find out tomorrow the girl is actually a guy. Well, ok, not that bad, but you get the idea.

The first tee box is like, wow, what a view, what a sight! Distant mountains, rolling fairways etc. At the final tee box, it’s like, how many years have I been messing around this course already, am I finally out?

When we descend on the course, and halfway through it, we wonder, is there a hint of water around here? Being baked in sun, the course plays hard, and you’ll need all the energy you can get. Ice packs, 100 plus, a portable air cond, anything.

It’s a nice course, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just too darn hot to think about anything except going home and lying in the pool and drinking a Pina Colada. When you get golfers (especially us) thinking about that halfway through, you know that the course needs some serious shade out there. An ice cream vendor will make millions if he had followed us in our round.

In terms of memorable holes, none really stood out. Most of the holes were more or less the same, dogleg or straight, water here and there, coconut trees and oh yeah, sand greens and The Living Rough. Bollocks.

Fun Factor (2/5)

I really wanted to give this course a chance and tried to maintain the enjoyment, but after the first nine, it became more of a combat course than anything else. It’s hard to have fun in a course that at times resembles the Sahara, in both the greens and weather. When we just want to pack up and go, the fun factor really didn’t quite take off.

Conclusion

All in all, a nice course, but it gets a hit because for the normal price of RM240, it ain’t worth it. It reminds me of Kinrara, where there’s no shade and you come out of that sauna 10 pounds lighter. It would be reasonable to charge maybe RM140 as a normal price, and half that for sanded greens. It plays similar to a lot of other open courses like Beruntung, Kinrara and Bukit Unggul, and none of those courses will charge RM240 to tee up on a weekday, heck no. The much advertised view is quite grand, but it’s not enough to compensate for that much of moolahs we are coughing up. Heck, we’ll need personal waitresses serving us Doms on every hole to fully compensate for dehydration, near death experience and mirages of John Daly in a tutu.

The good: Open fairways are generous, nice view, course is generally forgiving if we stay out of the rough.

The bad: Horrendous greens (sanded), ultra hot without any shade, too expensive for a course set up like local courses we have back home.

The skinny: 16 of 40 divots (40%). There’s not much of a wow factor, and definitely not worth paying so much for. Then again, this is Langkawi, so get ready to be ripped.

Gunung Raya Scorecard

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Meru Valley GCC

Introduction
Meru Valley is a course we sort of stumbled upon. We were so disillusioned with Clearwater that we decided to have another round in Ipoh area in another course. We almost ended up in Kinta Golf Course, but thank God they were closed for maintenance. Asking some locals, including the local police, they pointed us to Meru Valley Golf Course. We thought, why not? Let’s just get rid of the Clearwater aftertaste, right?

Travel (2/5)
Frankly, since we were driving around I can’t say for sure. It’s about half hour away from Clearwater, take the trunk road to Pusing and head towards Jelapang. It’s a slight challenge since we need to take trunk roads and not as easily accessible as Clearwater. There will eventually be signs pointing to the golf course. Ask around, people are helpful in this area.

Price (3/5)
It’s about 70 RM on weekdays for green fees, about 50 RM for buggy. For some reason, when I asked whether Rahman Putra was affliated, the receptionist said no, but she would give me a cheaper price since I was from Rahman Putra. I don’t know what that is all about, but I thought it was a good deal.

First thoughts
There’s 27 holes, and we played 3rd nine and 1st nine. As a rule, try to avoid playing 3rd nines. It’s always lousier than 1st and 2nd nine. It didn’t occur to me till I was standing over the tee on the 19th hole.

Playing at Meru was like coming home. It was like Bangi all over again. Nice and broad fairways, accessible greens, open concept for our borrow fairway strategy.

The 3rd nine was not so good, flat boring greens, recently sanded, boring hole layouts, not much doglegs, not much features. But it’s the 3rd nine. It’s like the disappointing child in every family who prefers to spend time goofing around golf courses and writing pointless reviews.

Once we made the turn, Meru turned on her beauty.

Set in a valley, the mountains looming in the background, framing perfect greens, that checked our ball and spun it. Rolling fairways made one of my drives roll almost 280 metres down.

Especially as the sun was setting beyond the hills and long shadows stretched the valley, it more than compensated for the lack of beauty in Clearwater.

Service (2/5)
The service gets 2/5 divots. I liked the nice lady at the counter who gave me a discount. But other than that, the service kind of sucked. First the guy who was supposed to take our bags from the car trunk just sat there picking his nose and watching us take out our bags on our own. Then the changing room personnel insisted on taking our 10RM deposit when they gave us their towels. What, we don’t have towels at home? And some of the lockers couldn’t open…or at least, weren’t idiot proof for a guy like me. Get to the course!

Fairways (3/5)
This gets 3/5 divots. Even the 3rd nine fairways were well kept. There were minimal bald spots, and once playing on the 1st nine, it had a huge amount of roll to it. It’s undulating, but it offers a lot of challenges. Forget about the 3rd nine. Get your money’s worth and go for 1st and 2nd. Hold them hostages if they insist on you teeing up on the third.

Greens (5/5)
I’m going to discount the sandy greens on the 3rd nine and judge solely on the 1st nine. Wow. This is the kind of greens I want to take home and sleep on. One approach shot spun so much it was dancing around the cup like a drunk Oompah Loompah. It made us look good because we were bombing putts in, and getting our fist pumps all ready for any 5-10 feet par save putts.

Rough (3/5)
The rough sits down pretty well but you can still hit it , unlike the pitbull grass in Clearwater. And you can afford to fly the ball all over since you just shout fore and hit it from the next fairway. There’s not much penalty in whacking the ball into the rough.

Aesthetics (4/5)
The first hole treats us to a beautiful scene of mountains beyond, cascading down into the valley. It’s on an elevated tee, so you can actually see the entire course. Except for the humidity, I can almost imagine Julie Andrews springing around the corner singing before we crack her head with our tee shot. Don’t boom your tee shot too hard though, because it funnels down to a stream about 270 – 280 m away.

The fourth hole is an absolute cracker. It’s like Augusta 12th, water fronting the green, just about 130 metres from elevated tee box. I hit a PW and pushed it slightly right, and it went into the water. My drop shot also went in and I signed off for a triple, and destroyed a round of 9 over after 12 holes at that point.

The signature hole is the 6th. There’s an opening in the foliage for us to peek through to see the par 3 green guarded by water in the front.

The course plays much shorter than Clearwater, mainly due to it being a resort course, and not a course intent on beating the barnacles out of the players. It’s a nice course for our self esteem and the greens are absolutely a delight to putt on. This, plus the fact that the course is really a beautiful course, gets it 4 of 5 divots.

Fun Factor (4/5)
It’s really hard to maintain your spirits when you’ve trudged through 34 holes of golf in a day. But I must say, Meru really gave our spirits a lift. Perhaps the scenery made us more alive, or simply we were playing better, or maybe it was just shorter and easier to handle, but at the end of the 18th hole, we were talking about coming back again. The only let down was the Mickey Mouse 3rd nine that was just an insult to our already embarrassing skills.

Conclusion
We traveled north to play Clearwater but ended up enjoying Meru a lot more. Perhaps Clearwater and our high expectations did not coincide, whereas we didn’t have any expectations heading to Meru. Heck, if you gave us a course filled with cows and we had to hit over a chicken coop to the green, we wouldn’t know better. But the main thing was, it played a lot easier for hackers like us. Some people might find it not as challenging, but if we put head to head, I’d say the holes in Meru are more memorable, the greens in much better condition, the scenery a lot more beautiful and the experience more exhilarating. The shorter course made it easier for us to putt for pars, instead of saving bogeys. I know you’re saying, just improve your golf, instead of blaming the course: but here’s our skills, here’s how we experience the courses, and we say Meru is a better course than Clearwater.

Plus, we might catch Julie Andrews prancing around the hills and take a shot at her.

The good: Superb scenery, magnificent greens on the 1st nine, undulating fairways provide a good challenge, elevated tees provide a great view of the holes, lots of memorable holes, drivable par 4s and eagle-able par 5s.

The bad: Crappy service, a disastrous 3rd nine (please avoid it at all cost!!), short holes might not be challenging to some, rough is a little mickey mouse as in not penalizing enough, parallel fairways makes it easy to get hit by stray balls. And Meru folks never apologise for a wayward shot, nor shout fore.

The skinny: 26 of 40 divots (65%). A little inflated since we had no expectations. But we had heaps of fun.

Meru Valley Scorecard

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Clearwater Sanctuary Golf Resort

 

Introduction
We’ve been talking about Clearwater Sanctuary and how super the golf course is for ages. Magazines lauded it, golfers talk about it, mothers fuss about it. OK, maybe not the last bit but it has gained an impressive reputation of being the best of the best in West Malaysia, synonymous to the most pleasurable golf experience of your life, the most memorable course you will ever play in, indeed you would wish to relocate to sleepy Ipoh just to play this course.

So me and my mates decided to experience it.

Travel (3/5)
Despite our initial fears, Clearwater is actually quite accessible so it gets 3 divots from 5. It’s about 1 and a half hours away from KL, depending on how fast you drive. Either turn off at Simpang Pulai or Gopeng Interchange and take the road heading to Batu Gajah passing Kellie’s Castle. There are plenty of signs, so you won’t miss it.

You probably want to eat breakfast before the interchange, because townspeople here only start work at like 12 noon or something. Not one coffee shop was opened and we ended having breakfast at a malay stall about 300 metres down the road from ClearWater entrance.

Price (5/5)
Drive up to the clubhouse and enter the pro shop to register. We were charged 70 RM for walk in, all inclusive of the buggy and insurance. I had an affiliate with KRPM and ended up paying RM50 for a buggy!! So the 70RM package was a heck of a deal. The greens were being sanded we were told but who cares? We were playing in the second best course in Malaysia! Excellent bargain here!

First thoughts
Right on the first tee, we were staring at a dogleg left tight fairway, the sprinklers still turned on. A maintenance guy slowly rode his scooter to turn the sprinklers off as we waited, and when we were ready, we predictably screwed up our first tee shot.

Double bogey.

2nd tee was a lot more promising, a 5 wood found the fairway. Second shot using a 4w hybrid pushed right. Bye bye. This would eventually be the norm for the day.

Clearwater is extremely unforgiving, especially to weekend hackers like us. Now it’s important to understand that this is from the perspective of hackers.

Clearwater isn’t that great.

I mean, for a course rated as number 2 in Malayisa, we kinda expected a course that blew us away. Well, actually, it did blow us away – our scores that is. But in terms of scenery, fun, playability and such, we give it a ‘so-so’ shake of our hands.

We don’t mind if the course kills us. I mean, Datai Bay killed us, but we had a lot of fun getting killed. Face it, most courses out there (except for maybe a Mickey Mouse par 3 pitch and putt) will be killing us anyway. But Datai Bay made us go away talking about coming back again. We went to each hole like kids waking up on Christmas to find presents under the tree. Clearwater just got us talking about going away.

Service (2/5)
The service gets 2/5 divots. I liked the fact that they sold sharpies at the counter. Sharpies makes us look like pros, as if we have lots of fans who needs our autograph, or we would mark our ball with a special sign. The fact is, we have 0 fans except for the occasional maintenance guys waiting for us to clear the green, and we definitely don’t hold on to a single ball long enough to bother marking it.

What bugged me was the fact that they had the sprinklers turned on for the first tee, as if they did not expect us to tee up at, like what, 9 am??! And they had sprinklers turned on at the 18th, as if they can’t wait to get rid of us. I mean what is that about? I proceeded to duff my SW approach on the wet fairway. I would have holed an eagle if not for that sprinkler!!

Fairways (3/5)
This gets 3/5 divots. It’s nice and well maintained but had splotchy grass here and there, and uneven on some holes. Of course the random sprinkling also made the fairways a little inconsistent. The fact that it’s number 2 in Malaysia goes against it. I expected immaculate fairways, and tiny Oompah-Loompahs running around sprinkling magic seeds to make the grass even.

Greens (2/5)
To be fair, we were warned that the greens were being sanded. So it wasn’t tip top condition but I am going to blast it anyway. Number 2 in Malaysia, I expect the greens to perform better than Impiana, I expect my shots to spin back, I expect it to be consistent in speed and roll. I expect the greens to be so good I’d want it to be my bed at home.

We played to an extremely SLOW green. I mean, it almost looked as if we were putting a bowling ball or something. We needed a hammer to hit the ball forward. There were some dead patches here and there. I’m not good enough to explain if it affected my roll, but I give it a 2/5 because I three putted like half a dozen holes. Rats!!

Rough (4/5)
The rough does what its supposed to do, it eats up your ball. It just sinks in. There’s no way you can ply it out without a shovel. I don’t know what kind of grass it is, but I will name it Pitbull grass, because once it gets hold of your balls, it ain’t letting go. Of your golfballs, that is.

Aesthetics (3/5)
If there was a signature hole, it’s the 18th. It’s a hard dogleg left par 5, about 170 m to cut the dogleg and carry the water. There’s an annoying tree in the middle to eat your balls. In fact, CW has loads of holes that allow you to cut the doglegs with a good drive. The fact that there’s water all over the place, it’s a swashbuckling grip and rip it mentality vs wimpy, gutless 5 wood to fairway and long approaches. Guess which approach we took? Just bring loads of golf balls because you’re gonna lose them.

The holes in CW are long. You either get better with your driver or be prepared for 170m plus approach shots into the green. And if you miss the greens, you’re either in the water, sand trap or a monitor lizard will be chomping on your balls. Golfballs.

Fun Factor (2/5)
I am really reminded of the time when I went to watch Star Wars Episode 1. You really want to enjoy yourself, and you really want the movie to be good because of the tradition surrounding it. Face it. Star Wars 1,2 and 3 sucked. I hated the movies and signed up on the diejarjarbinks petition. Anything without Han Solo and Donut hair Princess Leia in a golden bikini is not gonna cut it.

Likewise, I really wanted us to have fun in Clearwater. But as we approached the last hole and the sprinklers turned on, I shrugged. We had a bit of fun, but really the whole experience was a little bit of a letdown. 2 of 5 divots.

Conclusion
The purists will like the fact that holes are long, par 5s are not reachable in 2, water is all over the place and there’s nobody in the halfway huts to sell drinks. Purists are also known as crazy people who likes to feel pain. I forgot the scientific term to it.

For us hackers who like to enjoy golf, Clearwater is a reasonably good course, but as number 2 in Malaysia and the fact we had to wake up at 5:30 am to drive up north for 2 hours, we expected more. On the 15th hole we were like, we drove all the way for THIS??!?

And another thing that bugged us. The name. Like, why do you call it “clear water” when the water isn’t even clear? I see some websites talking about the shimmering lakes like it was a feature of Rivendell in Lord of the Rings. Are they intoxicated with Ipoh white coffee? Have they even been there? We just saw mining pools. Where’s the shimmer? Where’s Galadriel, Elrond and the gay hobbits?!?

It’s like me calling my son Tiger Eldrick Woods and find out he prefers to be professional ballet dancer when he grows up. It’s just too much pressure in the name, you know.

The good: Few people, good rewards vs risks, well designed holes, some nice wildlife, Pitbull grass makes you really want to hit the fairway.

The bad: Overrated scenery, Pitbull grass makes you regret you suck at your driver, so-so greens, no Oompah-Loompahs on the fairway, deserted drink huts, holes might be too long for a hacker. And badly behaved sprinkler systems. And no Galadriel.

The skinny: 24 of 40 divots (60%). Number 2 in Malaysia? Don’t think so. Disappointing.

Clearwater Scorecard