New Era of the Wacky World of Woods

We recall just a few weeks back, when faith in Woods was at an all time low. After failing in the last round time and again, it was getting very frustrating to stay up and watch him flail around like a hacker and then to wake up to go to work, in obviously thunderous mood. People snickered. They said he was finished. They are ready to pour their accolades onto the shoulder of a 23 year old punk with pubic hair on his head. Or onto a Justin Timberlake lookalike that has about the same number of fans as a block of charcoal in your neighbourhood grocery store. I mean, as I have mentioned time and time again, if Tiger fades away, golf would enter into an era that would make the dark ages look like Mardi Gras on steroids. It would be the END OF GOLF AS WE KNOW IT (or EOGAWKI–pronounced Eh-oh-ga-wi-ki).

And like a burst of sunlight, too intense to look into, yet too mesmerising to turn away, EOGAWKI was summarily dispersed with Tiger capturing his seventh (or his eight?) Arnold Palmer Trophy. I don’t really know what the details are, except that he played as he should be played, and although it wasn’t Mr Pubic Hair on the Head he defeated, it was his fellow country man, who looks like Hugh Jackman who ate too much pork and also got stunted in the process.

Now before we crown him again, we need to know that Tiger has literally been to golf’s equivalent to Mordor and back.

1) Humiliation of dropping out of the Top-50. Now he’s back to six. He’s still some ways from Charcoal Donald and Pubic McIlroy, but at least there’s finally a recognisable US name in the Top Ten. For months, US had to be content with an old guy by the name of Steve Stricker and Homer’s brother, Webb Simpson.

2) His douchebag of a caddy called him out and wanted to shove something up his “coloured” bleep-hole. Now his player, Adam Scott is lower than Woods in world ranking. Steve Williams now lives in a mobile caravan in fear of his life, as assassins from the Bronx, Bangkok, Japan and where ever the heck Tiger is from are out to get him. Take that, racist Steve Williams.

3) His equally douchebag of a coach has written a tell all book “The Big Miss”, depicting Tiger as an egomaniacal, power-crazy, selfish piece of crap for the past couple of years. When you’re bringing in a 100 Million a year, it does crazy stuff to you. Big Deal, Hank. But you gotta hand it to Hank…he claims everything about Tiger is about golf, yet tells a story of how fearful he was asking Tiger for a popsicle. How is that related to golf, Hank? Your popsicle? As in, really?

4) His hot wife beat him up over some text messages and divorced him. She has since destroyed their home in a fit of rage, and re-married and named the scum in her new pond Tiger Eldrick Woods…in case there’s some ambiguity. What do you expect? She’s a descendant from Erik the Red. Tiger probably now fears for his life, as she’s calling the God of Thunder to descend upon his newly built life and damn him to eternal purgatory.

5) I don’t know if Tiger still hangs out with the pornstars, but really, his taste in pornstars really really suck. I mean compare him to Martin Sheen, who also hung out with a pornstar, Tiger’s choice is like choosing a dead hamster over a Bugatti Veyron Super Sports. It’s a complete embarassment. At least now, hopefully he steers clear of pornstars and get his life back in shape.

Bugatti Veyron: Most Expensive Car in The World

OK, Tiger, winning once ain’t gonna cut it. You are not Jesper Parnevik. You are supposed to win. So get that Augusta and bring us back from the brink of EOGAWKI!!

This makes us feel good…and bad!

The big news this morning for golfers: Tiger Woods having to withdraw due to injury after the 12th hole in the last round in Doral Blue Monster this week. After watching him play well in the second and third round, it might be a possibility for him to catch up with Justin Rose and Mr Bubba despite being 8 shots back. But the guy that made the run is our curly hair number one Rory, and Tiger (YET AGAIN) just failed in the final round. I really think he should just stop wearing the darn red shirt! Over and over again, he is proving to be more like david Duval than David Duval himself. The latest setback so close to Augusta doesn’t bode well for us Tiger fans.

I don’t get it, how come guys like Tiger who looks like he benchpresses beluga whales have all these problems when a joke like John Daly doesn’t have sports injuries? How can golf be so physically demanding when Arnold Palmer can still play while half his body is already in a casket? I mean, it’s golf! The only injury I have right now is that my left pinky can no longer bend into a fist without popping, but except as a freakshow to gross out my wife, it doesn’t really bother me much. It’s golf, not football, basketball, badminton etc. Isn’t it considered an ‘old man’s game?’ (although in parts of Indonesia and Thailand, among caddies especially, it has evovled to ‘dirty old man’s game’)

Come on Tiger, stop being a sissy!!!

The big news for hackers however: Sergio Garcia, everyone’s favourite crybaby, made OCTUPLE BOGEY..yep, that’s a +8 for you guys who don’t like roman numerals. Although not as fascinating as Kevin Na’s Duodecuple bogey (a +12) , it’s still, by far, one of the biggest names in golf playing like a complete hack in one hole. Only one hole, mind you, because though that made us feel good, he still managed a 76. It’s ridiculous. If we shot a +8, we would be shooting 110. So if he had only parred that hole, he would be at 68.

Then again, these guys eat, drink, crap, sleep golf, while we only dream about playing somewhere in the open field as we try to stay awake in the office.