The Return of the Shades

In the days of old, when golfers were men,
Before Camilio, Sergio, Adam came to fame,
Wearing their tight shirts and girly white pants,
There was the Shades, cool was his middle name.

Who is the Shades? Also called Mr 59,
Yep, 59, not 69 to those with an unsound mind,
At Bob Hope, eagling the back nine,
The fans call it, it’s D-Squared Time.

What happened to the greatest player of all,
He won the Open and became number one,
For some strange reason, he started to free fall
Started hacking and playing like a bum.

D-squared, over and over he would flop,
Played worse than Ian Baker Finch in tights,
Hooks, shanks, duffs and top,
Chopping up the course day and night.

D-Squared is lost now Tiger gets the glory,
Years goes by but still he sucked,
His average is 96, sometimes 120,
His caddy’s favourite word now is “Oh, ******!”

D-Squared says he’s world’s top 10,
But he still played like he had two left hands,
He managed to tee it up at 2009 US Open,
What transpired then was magnificent.

Drive after drive he would stripe it down,
He would recover with birdies from triples,
His putts dropped in, with that rattling sound,
People waited for him to crack like he always does.

Come last round, on a sunny Monday,
The Shades birdies three in a row,
Tied for lead, two to play,
A Major winner for the worst player in the world??

Alas, 17th lip out done him in,
The gallery groans–what a great pity!
He missed a must make birdie on the eighteen,
Unknown guy wins the coveted trophy.

So DD, win Turnberry for us, will you?
Then you will stroll into Golf’s Hall of Fame
May your drives be straight, your putts be true
Here comes the Shades,  cool is his middle name.

Double D, Please don't screw up

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12:51 AM (Malaysian Time)

David Duval just stuffed in his third birdie in a trot for the lead.

I thought of just putting in this post considering this is the most excitement we’ve seen in a long time.

And this guy triple bogeyed his first hole this morning!

But he made a crap shot on the 17th and now that fellow with the bad hair has a birdie to go to -4 and one up.

Come on DAVID!!! Stop Screwing up!!!!

Here We Go Again…

For those who have been following this blog faithfully (I can sense the dwindling enthusiasm due to my complete lack of updates), you would know for each of the major championship of golf in a calendar year, we (the Gilagolf team–we sound like a big group of editors and writers but so far I have only succeeded in recruiting my dog) will dust off our GPE – Gilagolf Prediction Engine – to predict who the winner is. For you heavy betters, so far, we’re a fat 0 out of 5 in terms of prediction, so umm, go easy with your millions first eh. We’re still tweaking it, it probably has as much chance of getting the prediction right as us hitting a golf ball at an elephant wearing a tutu.

I tried following the US open this year. I really did. But because of the delays and rain and stopped play, I ended up watching all my backlog DVDs starting from Chuck Norris, Missing In Action. At least I cleared that piece of crap up. But seriously, watching it on TV has been excruciating. And why do those two clowns (Andy North and the bald headed guy) keep talking? Why don’t they just show us whoever is out in the field?? Or at least catalog pictures of Morgan Pressel for us to see?

With the dust settled (or in this case, the water receeded), we’re left with a gangly bunch of fellows at the top of the leaderboard. GPE, here we go again… Lucas Glover (-7)

Anyone with this kind of hairstyle will likely be assassinated before going up to take the US Open. That being said, from the way he has been playing, he seems to be the more steady one of the two leaders, so there might be a chance. We’re still going to say NO, based on the LHT (ludicrous hairstyle theory) rule of prediction, which states: “Anyone who pretends to be Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber will immediately lose his chance of winning a major championship.” Prediction: Bust, due to nasty hairdo. Ricky Barnes (-7)

Never heard of him? Gilagolf has made a career in following unknown players over the years. Ricky was actually the guy that was once paired with Tiger in 2003 Masters where he beat Tiger (during the rounds he played) so he definitely has game. The fun thing about him is that he was once seen attacking a tree with his club due to his frustration. I mean how often do we ever get to see that, much less do it? Predicition: Bust, but likely will be caught chopping down a tree with 7 iron. David Duval (-2)

You have no idea how long we have waited to see D2 on the leader board going into the final round. Sure his drives still suck here and there, but this is the longest he has been without screwing it all up. He has 15 more holes to go, and 99% he will be screwing it up, but we’ll root for him all the same..what a story he will make, and it will definitely make him jump over many of us in terms of world ranking. He’s currently ranked 1,123,452 in the world, behind a scottish terrier named Rufus. Prediction: Bust, but very likely to jump over Rufus in world ranking. Ross Fisher (-2)

Remember how we once predicted this guy to lap the field? Well,  here he is again. Will he win? No he won’t. His time will come, but I don’t think the Americans will ever let a Brit take away their  national championship, right? It would be highly embarassing. It’s like allowing the Malaysian Open to be taken by guys from other countries…I mean, any country allowing that to happen has as much pride as the underneath of a toilet seat cover. Malaysia Boleh! Prediction: Bust, but he might win the British Open! Phil Mickleson (-2)

Everyone wants Phil to win. I don’t know why. The only thing that is outstanding about him so far is his man boobs. Why does a guy with man boobs insist on wearing tight lycra? WHY?? It’s distracting and it throws our GPE out of whack. Jokes aside, what he has been doing this week has been pretty amazing, considering the personal issues he’s currently going through. He certainly has the game to pull it through, but he has always been a little weak in the mind. However, we think the field will give 2 – 3 strokes back and Phil might be able to claw back to win it. Prediction: WIN, but only for sentimental reasons. Hunter Mahan (-2)

We always like Hunter. Because he’s such a cool cat, compared to Ricky Barnes. But imagine these two guys going head to head in the US Open just like the Amateur Open many years ago, which Ricky won. I’m sure Hunter is pretty sore about it and would want to avenge his defeat..that’d be a good story. Don’t think he’ll win it, but when he gets hot, he heats up in a hurry. Prediction: Bust, but likely to attack Ricky Barnes as Ricky attacks the trees.

Mike Weir Mike Weir (-1)

Not much chance for a guy who shot 64 in the first round and 74 in the 3rd. He’s also +1 over 3 holes in the final round, so he definitely doesn’t look like being in a good shape. And again, the Non American theory applies. Especially to Weir. Prediction: Bust, else America’s troops will start invading Canada.

Tiger Woods Tiger Woods (E)

Tiger is just in here because we think his face is marketable. We also believe his name will garner more hits for our website. And of course, he has a knack of a comeback. If he can get to four under on the front nine, watch out for him. Prediction: Bust, but he’ll make a move, definitely. Else, we’ll just randomly use his name to get more website hits: Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods….

Golf in Tough Times


Face it.

We’re possibly facing the toughest times these days in most of our relatively short lives. (When I say relatively, I am comparing us to giant tortoises that can live up to 155 years…another useless information to digest). I mean seriously, how many of you reading this actually lived in the depression era in the 1920s? Or, ok, closer to home, in Malaysia, when was the last time you remembered that the economy faced such insumountable odds to climb back to a respectable level?

So, instead of doing what God has created us specifically for, that is to indulge int outdoor activities like golf and lounging around in the sun and hacking away golf courses till our dying day; we are all stuck in little cubicles, customer premises, presentations and trainings, blankly staring into space, either thinking about our next tee off or Mickey Mouse playing a Ukelele.

I just read in the newspapers that Newcastle United, the football club is starting to lay off its employees as it has descended into Championship League (which is like a crap crap league, despite it’s sexy name, very much like the champions tour in golf).

Face it. To all the blank-staring-mouse-playing-ukulele-minded golfers out there, we’re all this close to joining those Newcastle fellows for permanent holidays. No inflow of cash means a very very limited budget for golf, so here’s a breakdown of the 3 main things we can probably do  as golfers to utilise our considerable talents:

1. Pro Golfer

There’s as much chance of this happening than the Sphinx actually growing a tail and wagging it while fetching a stick thrown by Paul McCartney. That’s how random it will be, and how probable I think it will be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure half of you guys have a shot at this, but seriously, really?

Probability: Sphinx grows a tail and fetches a Paul McCartney thrown stick.

Income: $10 million a year (that’s in USD, and you needing to beat Tiger at least 10 times to win 10 events)

2. Caddy

It’s a tough life, being a caddy. You lug around a bag, and try to stay ahead of your golfer by giving good hints, good reads, good tips and still end up frustrated when the golfer still suck. It used to be pretty lucrative, especially if you indulge in a bit of caddy betting on your golfers, and also demand at gunpoint in the carpark for him to tip you RM30 or above…you need a gun for that, so it’s not really recommended…just look menacing, it’s enough as most golfers talk tough but are relatively genteel in heart.

But these days, the caddy landscape had altered considerably. Gone are the golden era where caddys jaunt up and down the golf course, chatting away with the golfer and wiping and cleaning the clubs and having a teh tarik afterwards. With the advent of golf buggies, caddies are just luxury items now. Also, with the advent of Indonesian females, male caddies are especially difficult to find a proper job, unless you put on the skirt and look like one of those ambiguous people in Patpong, Bangkok. You need to be fairly pretty to pull that off, seriously, because it’d be weird to see a grown man with a moustache sitting on another grown man’s lap driving a buggy. It’s disturbing as well.

Probability: Very difficult living, especially for men who don’t look like those ambiguous people in Patpong.

Income: $100 a day at most. It really depends on how you perform with your golfer. And I don’t mean perform in anything related to golf, you know.

2. Golf Teacher

That’s more like it. All of us can actually be golf teachers, since we are probably better than some of our colleagues and friends. The key to being a golf teacher is to advertise. Walk around the office, talking especially to managers and people lounging around the pantry, since they are likely the ones with nothing better to do. While talking, don’t sit, but stand around and now and then, make a swing with an imaginary golf club. Do it slowly, as if you are subconsciously doing a perfect swing – and also because, we all swing with an imaginary golf club about 1,000,000X better than we do in real life. You will look even more impressively doing it while talking about a business deal, or expressing your frustration at something. The contrast between the gravity of your subject and the zen-like nature you take a swing will prompt the next critical question: “Do you golf?” And now you got them.

Answer: “Hmm? Oh! Golf? Just a bit. When I have time. All beginners only lah…”

These are good answers because you don’t throw anyone off, especially shy beginners who know they suck and certainly wish to pick up the game, but they suck at it, so they rather not.

If the conversation halts, continue on: “It’s a really useful game for business (lie), and also, health, since there’s a lot of walking (lie), and also I enjoy the outdoors a lot, so it’s just for fresh air (lie). The group I play with are also beginners (lie), don’t worry, no betting one (lie), we all play for fun only (lie again).”

Basically, you just need to hook them in, all the while swinging and putting imaginary clubs. Then go for the kill: “Hey why not we head to the range together tomorrow (or today, since we’re sitting around eating cupcakes anyway)?”

You might need to lend them extra clubs (an old 7 iron you use to beat up your mattress would suffice), and just say you’ll join them, but let them provide the golf balls. When they agree to it, make sure you order a lot of balls…say it’s for them and that they need it.

The key to being a good teacher is to be a fairly good golfer yourself. Nobody wants to be taught by a clown who duck hooks every shot. So, on the range, give a few tips, but never admit your mistakes. When you:

Duckhook, say: “That’s a useful shot to get out of trouble. This goes around the trees.”

Slice, say: “Tiger uses that often to carve his way around Augusta.. This is to also go around trees the other side”

Shank, say: “Wow, that’s a shot I’ve been trying to pull for ages. It’s actually a shot to get out of the woods and still ensure a lot of roll on the fairway. It’s hard. Try it (and when they succeed, which they invariably will, say:) Wow…you are a natural!!”

Whiff the ball, say: “It’s always useful to take a practice swing before the actual shot. Kind of feel it first, you know”

Knock the ball a few inches in front, say: “Oops. That was a practice swing. The force must have been so great, the wind from my club knocked off the ball. Darn!”

Hit a super shot and your student claps, shake your head as if unhappy. “That might look good, about 300 meters or so (even though it dropped at 150, most beginners are distance challenged), but there’s way too much topspin and it’s not on an optimal transitional trajectory on the upswing path. Not enough torque, shaft bend, and the kick is too low.” Impress your student with your drive for perfection and absolute nonesensical scientifc terms for golf.

The key here is to really get free balls and when ready, get the student to pay for your round on the course. You save up a lot of money free loading on unsuspecting students. It’s a start. Soon, there will be more and more references and when you have enough students, you not just play golf for free, you eat for free, your transport is also free. Plus, some of them will actually pay, especially when you advertise yourself as the company in house instructor, before you get fired.

By far, being a golf teacher is the most lucrative business to be in, after you get laid off doing your day job.

Probability: Anyone who can advertise and swing reasonably well can be a golf coach.

Income: $1000 a month savings, a potential of up to $10,000 a month if you can lock in corporate customers.

So why are you still here reading this crap? Head to the pantry with your imaginary club and start swinging!!