Palm Garden Golf Club

Introduction

This is Palm Garden Redux.

A few years back, there was a brilliant course around Kajang area called Palm Garden Golf Resort. We gave it a must-play rating, because the pricing was around RM100 for walk-in weekdays, as it was accessible and it was a great conditioned course.

Unfortunately, golf owners being generally filled with greed, they decided to tear down the entire place and rebuild the course, giving it a slightly different name but marking up the price to some stratospheric pricing that it was no longer sustainable for sane golfers anymore.

So how then did we end up here?

Recently a bunch of Gilagolfers got the RHB Infinite Card and with it came all the goodness that golfers deserve – free green fees at Kota Permai, Mines among others, and then Palm Garden Golf Club. With that, Gilagolf had upgraded from hacking courses like Seri Selangor, KGPA and the God-forsaken Bukit Ungguls to playing excellent, overpriced and usually overrated golf courses that in normal circumstance would have a hunter shoot us down with a bullpup sniper rifle. But with the card, we have gone from eating maggi goreng mamak food to caviar at a Michelin Star restaurant. The downside was summarised in a question posed in our group:

“How to go back to play crap courses like that??”

Travel (3/5)

Travel is more or less the same as previously except now the former clubhouse is a dilapidated hovel that is primarily used as a preferred premise for B-Grade local horror movies. What I did was to use the famous Golfer Silk Road (North South Highway) and turn off at Kajang. After the toll, take the turning heading towards Cyberjaya and Putrajaya. Once you are on that highway you just look for the IOI City Mall Putrajaya.

This section of the review should no longer be even considered, now with the ubiquity of Google Maps and WAZE. If any of you are still using the Nokia 5110, well, probably a good direction is found here on their website. It’s pretty poor even by Malaysian Standards, but here it is.

Price (1/5)

The reason why we never ever stepped foot into Palm Garden since it was modified was simple. The rumour was that management had decided to charge a ridiculous rate for hackers, primarily to discourage grave diggers like us and to encourage the more genteel foreigners from Japan, Singapore, US, Korea and any other country that has a stronger currency than Malaysia – which means EVERY SINGLE COUNTRY ON EARTH RIGHT NOW, except for one of the Polynesian island called Kikitawaku, whose citizens use coconuts as the primary form of exchange. Thank you, 1MDB and our Ministry of Finance for caring so much for Malaysia and congratulations for turning the ringgit into something comparable to my son’s diaper after his daily shitting session.

Anyway, here is the rate for new Palm Garden (weekdays – since I assume for weekends, you are probably one of the said foreigners or a Malaysian who is planning to sneak into the course at the risk of being gunned down by a marshal with a bullpup sniper rifle.)

RM280 for Green Fee

RM110 for Buggy

RM80 for Caddy.

Which means for a single human – RM280+RM55+RM40=RM375+GST=RM397.50. Plus roughly RM25 for caddy tips per person = RM420.

That is RM420.

I checked back old Palm Garden and the rate was RM100 ALL-IN. Means buggy, caddy, green fee (of course, not tips).

In all honesty, the good news was that the rumour of Palm Garden charging RM400 green fee for a weekday was of course, false. The bad news was that, Palm Garden New is still no way worth RM400 ALL-IN for a weekday rate. Let’s compare:

KGNS – RM150 weekday greenfee + RM50 caddy + RM42 buggy =RM242. This means all in, KGNS is still cheaper than the GREEN FEE of bloody Palm Garden.

Now if its a really super, crazy Pebble Beach like golf course, then sure. In comparison, green fee at Bethpage Black in New York, home of PGA Majors is around RM280 Green Fee for twillight tee off. Yup. Palm Garden = Bethpage Black. Come on, Palm. From here on, I refer you as Face Palm Garden for stupid rates and pricing. Your course is nice, but it’s no way worth that much. It’s about maybe RM150 – RM180 green fee weekday, to stretch it if you want.

I know – Management looks at us and compare us to beings that is slightly between a centipede and an iguana and generally do not give a crap sh*t about what we think, but Face Palm Garden Golf Course – you are definitely getting a 1 on pricing from us!!

First thoughts

OK – now that we’ve gotten the price rant out of the way, let’s go back doing what we do best. Play bad golf.

The first hole we teed up was a slight dogleg right, blind tee off. It wasn’t a pretty hole, but once we got to the fairway (after one of my few tremedous drive), the thought was – nice. The fairway was like a carpet. It was very good.

Of course, if you were to pay so much, it shouldn’t be so surprising, and after playing Mines for a few weeks, we weren’t so terribly impressed either. I mean, it was good but shouldn’t we have expected that?

The greens as well, I must admit was way better than Mines. Well maintained, and excellent challenges as well.

Service (2/5)

Unfortunately, the caddies we received were extremely poor. At least the one we had was. She seemed very new, very inexperienced, and left us to our own retarded way of reading the greens. I expected her to at least help here and there, but she was slow off the cart to look for balls, and generally did not really find the balls, and we had to all plow in to help each other. A good caddy, now I admit, makes a ridiculous difference. The one I had in my previous 82 at Mines, was like a Caddy God. I think the other caddies probably has his picture on the wall and worship him. His reading was perfect. You think there was a break and he just stands there and says, No boss. Hit straight, trust me, because I am the Caddy God. And he was right.

Palm Garden Caddy was very much like the Tasik Puteri kind of caddies. Slightly slow, no response, no input to the game, does enough but not too much. The bad thing about her was that she almost lost my partner’s pitching wedge. She left it on the green and we all had to wait for her a few holes in front while she retrieved it. Lucky the course was empty!

So, no, sorry, caddies are just poor.

Fairways (5/5)

After such a bad start, the rubber hits the road when we play golf.

And at last, Palm Garden shines. At last.

The fairways were excellent. I would say, similar to Tropicana kind. It’s the type where the ball was simply sitting up, and inviting you to hit your perfect shot (which unfortunately hardly happened).

The undulation of the fairways was also a great challenge as well. Because they allowed buggies into the fairways (surprisingly), the caddy at the back was subjected to extreme conditions as we raced up and down the dunes of Palm Garden like crazy Fast and Furious drivers. This also meant that the ball was either above, below feet, or slanting or sloping, making it a far more challenging experience – though very rewarding once you get it right.

Greens (4/5)

Greens were great. It was much faster than Mines played, and the rolls were excellent.

The breaks for these greens were really really – subtle. It’s almost like Saujana where you think it doesn’t break so much and suddenly it veers 90 degrees and you are like, WTF? Caddy, why the hell didn’t you tell me!!??

Which is why caddies are so important. They need to read for you and none of us got a correct read. None. We were basically just guessing all the way and putting like a bunch of monkeys high on weed. Really. It got to a point of such retardedness that for 3 greens in regulation I hit, I three putted.

These are greens where you go, I will be back to play you again, Suckers.

Rough (3/5)

Rough – not much challenge here. I hit the bunker a few times and it was generally well maintained, and the rough was rewarding as well – you hit it there and it still sits up nicely. Not like Mines, where you are dead meat and you would need a cleaver to get your ball out.

Aesthetics (4/5)

Rolling hills, elevated tee boxes and expansive scenery – these would pretty much sum up Palm Garden Redux. It’s a course where you are definitely glad you took half a day or a full day leave for, or played hookey from work. It’s somewhat similar to the previous Palm Garden, but now, there is less maturity in the course and a lot more ‘expansiveness’ (not expensiveness, though that is also a case). Meaning in some tees, like the last one, you get to view the entire course from the teebox. The 11th Tee Par 4 also has an excellent view.

I guess the only downside of it is the construction buildings happening all around. Like the first hole. I am like, what the heck is this, Bukit Jalil??

However, I am somewhat partial to elevation in a golf course. It gives the course a lot more life, and here are some photos to just capture the essence of Palm Garden a bit.

Fun Factor (5/5)

Palm Garden never lost it.

Sure, they overpriced it, but playing on this course is just fun.

I actually played a lot better than my score suggested. The first hole, I was a Sand Wedge away from the green for my second, and I pullled the devil out of it. I went through a crisis over 3 holes with double, triple and double but mainly because I started shanking the crap out of my irons. I don’t know, I have been shanking a lot lately, so I am not sure how to resolve it. For instance, the best drive I hit was a soaring draw on the 8th, leaving me with a 60 degree pitch to the green. I shanked it way right into the bunker, my third shank of the day. Even my partner shook his head in disbelief and said, WHAT.A.BLOODY.WASTE. Yes. I know.

The backnine steadied somewhat, but was full of missed opportunities. Again, a lot of it was due to bad second shots and a dodgy drive. The best hole was the 16th, which long drivers can really gun for. It’s around 300 meters on paper, but it’s a sloping downhill that if you can catch it perfect, it can hit a slope and run all the way down to the green. No kidding. I hit mine low and with a draw and found myself at the dreaded 30 meter pitch with my 60 degree which I shanked a few times. Luckily I managed to pull it off and hit a perfect pitch to around 5 feet and sank in the birdie.

Again, it was fun. Like Mines, we avoided the excruciating wait for other flights as the entire course was literally empty. We had a great group and great wager going, and after the game had such a ridiculously good lunch at the famouse Dengkil restaurant, we were just drunk with happiness. My next game in Palm, I will take the whole day off instead of half-day.

Conclusion

OK – in conclusion, Palm Garden still retained it’s beauty, charm and fun as previously, if not, even becoming slightly better. The course condition is overall excellent and the fairways are fantastic, but the great letdown of stupid pricing and some poor caddies are really a concern. If you are going to charge premier pricing, you need to be a premier course. The fact is, Palm, you are not. You are just a wanabe, which is what Awana is trying to do (I hear). Please, price yourself slightly lower and don’t be too greedy and money grabbing to local Malaysians who are trying to do our country proud by playing good golf so we can represent Malaysia in Olympics.

The good: Great greens and fairways; the aesthetics are just charming; challenging holes and fun backnine with 3 par 5s and 3 par 3s (like Bangi), and food around the area (Dengkil) is through the roof. Get your favourite flight here and I dare you not to enjoy your game.

The bad: Pricing. My goodness. It’s not worth that much, please. And caddies really really need to improve.

The skinny: 27 of 40 divots (67.5%). Comparing it to the old Palm Garden, it went down a full 10%. It’s still entrenched in the Must Play category of golf courses, alongside KGNS, but it’s now rated lower. The pricing is just irreconciliable. If they remove that obstacle, the course will become more accessible. Then again, for guys like us, we might enjoy it less if shared with 100 other golfers as opposed to just 2 – 3 flights as we did that day.

New Palm Garden Score Card

palmgarden

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An Update on GilaStats

Since I launched this stats site a few years back, I’ve been forced to close it down (or rather, make it closed) due to the many fake requests and site bots hitting it. Well actually not that many, but enough for me to get flooded. Since then, I’ve been asked by a few others whether I’ll open it up again.

It’s actually not a bad software, if I do say so myself. Since I coded it. Yes, I actually do something in my life aside from trying to break 90 at this bloody game. And it’s actually up for free, downloadable from sourceforge if anyone is willing to pick it up. I’ve stopped development since 2008, but I still tweak it here and there a little and currently using it for my own Gilagolf group.

I’ve added another function to calculate Handicap Index based on the ACTUAL, official counting, guided by http://golf.about.com/cs/handicapping/a/howcalculated.htm.

 

USGA Handicap Calculator

Course Score Slope Rating Differential
The Mines Resort & Golf Club — Blue Tees 82 126.00 70.30 10.49
Bangi Golf Resort — 2nd & 3rd — Blue Tees 86 122.00 68.50 16.21
KGNS TEMP COURSE C+A – Blue Tee 87 127.00 71.00 14.24
Impian Golf and Country Club — Blue Tees 90 127.00 71.80 16.19
Total 57.13
Average Diff 14.2825
Handicap Index for gilagolf 13.7112

The handicap index gave me some thought and it’s correct – Handicap isn’t what we really play to. It’s actually what we can potentially play. According to the actual handicap, my potential is 14, meaning, I can actually go out there on a course rating of 72 and shoot 86. I find that hard to believe, but it is what it is.

The problem with us is that our games varies so much. This is a hacker problem. One day we play like Gods and the next we start to shank like the devil. That’s why we have those 82s and in between a 105 and 99. Course rating officials never seen a bunch of flers like us before, so therefore, I propose a simplified handicap rating :- just take 10 of your previous scores and count the handicap! Easy peasy. I get a handicap of 17. This is arguably completely accurate of my current skillset. Those who know me might think I am a buaya when I drive well – you ain’t see me hacking around the green like an idiot yet.

Course Score Slope Rating Differential
The Mines Resort & Golf Club — Blue Tees 82 126.00 70.30 10.49
Bukit Kemuning GCC — Blue Tees 95 129.00 72.00 20.15
KGNS TEMP COURSE C+A – Blue Tee 87 127.00 71.00 14.24
Seri Selangor Golf Club – Blue Tees 99 131.00 73.70 21.82
Impian Golf and Country Club — Blue Tees 90 127.00 71.80 16.19
Bangi Golf Resort — 2nd & 3rd — Blue Tees 86 122.00 68.50 16.21
KGNS TEMP COURSE C+A – Blue Tee 94 127.00 71.00 20.46
Seri Selangor Golf Club – Blue Tees 97 131.00 73.70 20.1
Kelab Rahman Putra Malaysia 1st & 2nd — Blue Tee 90 137.00 72.30 14.6
Kelab Rahman Putra Malaysia 1st & 2nd — Blue Tee 95 137.00 72.30 18.72
Total 172.98
Average Diff 17.298
Gilagolf Handicap Index for gilagolf 16.606

If anyone wants to set up their own stats site with the software, let me know, it’s quite straightforward to get it up!

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Taming the Mines

mines

We had a chance to play in Mines recently and the theory is proven – we need to play in very very expensive courses and we will play better because of our inherent kiasun-ness to not mess up and make the experience a living nightmare.

I scored probably the best I had in years, except for the 80 I did a few years ago at Damai Laut. An 82, with 9 pars, 2 birdies, 3 bogeys, 2 doubles and 2 triples.

It started crap though, with a pulled shot into the hazard and an incapable recovery for a triple on the first hole. The other triple on the first nine (we teed off the back nine) was after my drive stayed out of the water at the side in the hazard and I sliced it back into the water. Aside from those two brain-farts, the other double bogey came from a pulled drive on the 1st, and a pulled second into the woods on the 8th. The first birdie came on the first par 5 and the second was on the 17th, the green that fronted Tun Mahathir’s house. Which is here:

mahathir

I was wondering why on earth does the Tun’s house have a chimney?

The score could be lower – missed birdies on the 9th and the index 1 3rd could have put me in for 80, but then again, it could have been a lot worse. My drives were pulled left and a few times saved by the heavy rough from going into the drink. So, this is an extremely rare occasion when even with bad driving, a lot of luck and very good second shots/approach shots saved the game. I think this is probably not so much of a norm than an exception, but let’s see. NEXT GAME!

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There you go – 111th in the world tied with 1st in the world

tigerrory2

 

A couple of things.

My prediction was spot on. Tiger shot 68. He messed up the back 9 as predicted…couple of birdies, couple of bogeys. BAM! I just want to brag. Because I rarely get it correct, but because I was so pissed with Hank Heiney for sounding like Nostradamus only to eat crap after that when Tiger displayed no issues with his short game.

Hank: There is no way someone can get back his chipping so easily. HE HAS THE DAMN YIPS. Trust me, I am a short game expert and one of the top golf instructors in the world. I trained Tiger and made him what he is. His dad didn’t do crap for him and that Bitch Harmon guy is  wanker. I am the best. Call me at 1-800-HANKHASABIGDIC. Free lessons at my place if you are pornstar.

Gilagolf: Wait – Tiger didn’t mess his chips. His bogeys came from stupid drives and stupid putts. In fact, this guy’s chips are amazing. What are you talking about, the yips?

Hank:….Call me at 1-800-HANKHASABIGDIC.  Free lessons at my place if you are pornstar. Did I mention that it’s HANKHASABIGDIC?

Secondly – we now have the 111st player in the world teeing up with the 1st player in the world. And the 111 guy is a bigger attraction than the 1st player in the world. Only in golf will you see this, that 111 > 1. In ATP, this means James Ward is a better tennis player than Novak Djokovic. In badminton it is Dinuka KARUNARATNA vs Chen Long and Dinuka is bigger and more famous. In football, it means Libya is bigger news than Germany. You get the idea.

Tiger is NOT the 111st player in the world. He’s just at that spot temporarily for whatever reason because he doesn’t play. You would have the world believe that Tomohiro Kondo is better than him?

Bring it on tonight!

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Tiger at the Masters – Eat my shorts, Hank

augsuta

It’s 3.45 am now and I am watching the first major since God knows when. Because of one guy. Tiger Woods.

Sure, this guy Jordan Speith is burning Augusta like he was born here.  He is probably gonna win it, barring an amazing disaster or self implosion like Rory. But. Who. Cares.

The biggest news is obviously Tiger not just making the cut, but currently shooting 4 under on the first 9 of moving day and moving into the top-10.

Eat my shorts, Hank Haney.

And the rest of this planet. Obviously, there was never in doubt about Tiger. I actually wrote a piece before the Masters Begun called My Prediction of Augusta – Tiger to almost Win it. I didn’t post it up because I didn’t finish it because my son just shit in his pants. Of course, I am not going to post it up, because people will say that’s a poser of an article and that I wrote it AFTER the second round.

The reason I wrote was simple – Tiger kills Augusta. He also will NOT come back if his game is messed up. And more than that, 3rd round, he is playing against Sergio Garcia, the racist who told him to eat fried chicken a few years back. (Fried chicken to african americans is a derogatory remark).

But let’s hold on for a while. He’s sitting at -6. Will he mess up the back 9? Probably. It’s still game rust.  He will probably bogey a few, and birdie a few and probably end the round at around 68 or 69. Which is still damn good for a guy who chipped like me.

Now. Hank Haney. This old dude. I read his book about Tiger called “The Big Miss”. Hank is a guy who typically cannot play golf, so he purportedly teaches it. He makes a crap load of predictions like this:

“In 2 trips to Augusta in 2010 before the Masters Tiger failed to break 80, finished 4th that yr, the 74 doesn’t scare me, the chipping does,”

Hank. You are beyond stupid. You are still talking smack about chipping of Tiger. He is beyond that. And stop making predictions. There is no risk to you. You make a wrong prediction, you say, “Aww, Tiger got lucky”. Your prediction becomes right, you say, “See, that’s why people pay me stupid money to make comments on golf swing that I know nothing about so I can see if I can score those pornstars that Tiger scored.” Hank is annoying. I wish he would just shut up and crawl back to whichever piece of rock he came out from before he trained Tiger.

OK, back to sleepless nights and watching Mr Woods. His putting still sucks, so watch MY prediction. He will mess abit the back 9 and finish around 68 or 69. He will end up top 10 this week. Gilagolf HAS SPOKEN! Up your heiney, Haney!

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Ripple – Probably one of the best Nike Ad. Ever.

tigerrory

I am not a big fan of Nike.

Not just about golf. I used to play a lot of basketball when I was younger. I know, I don’t look like I can even jump higher than a piece of paper now but strangely, I was pretty good at basketball…well enough to represent the school, and also later in my University, be part of an Asian team that generally got thrashed badly by the Australians. OK – I am not that great, but I played the point pretty well and had a good jumpshot.

Anyway, it all went south after twisting my ankles over and over when I bought Nike shoes. Every basketball shoes I had, I would twist my ankle again and again until I gave up on Nike and bought AND1. The accidents stopped, but the injuries were too long gone and I was left with a pair of ankles that were as weak as Tiger’s chipping.

And golf? I don’t know. I never tried Nike. I don’t think they suck – after all, their irons are comparable to Mizuno I suppose. But they seem to have a bad rapport among my group. Anyone carrying Nike clubs would automatically be granted the designation of poser. I guess it’s not so much of the equipment  these day – but just the association with it. Maybe Nike made crap equipment previously but I am sure they have improved. The association with Tiger is something they can’t escape. Not that it’s bad, but it’s like wearing red when we play golf. It’s like, if you do that, you better play well! If not you are just a poser!

But one thing about Nike is that they make interesting commercials. Not all of it are good, but two that stands out for Tiger is the one they did where he was kid and won the British Open here:

But the recent one that came out, called ‘Ripple’? Awesome on so many aspects. Especially now that Tiger is seen to be in his twillight years. This one out did the rest.

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Tiger Woods is BACK (?)

Think of one golf shot, at one point of time that you remember the most.

Some of you might probably think of Jack Nicklaus sinking in the putt for the 1986 Masters.

Or Bubba Watson crafting that extremely STUPID hook from the trees in the 2012 playoff Masters.

Ok, for those who are somehow still alive – 1935 Gene Sarazen Masters – double eagle (that’s a two on a par 5 …WHAAAT??)

But come on – Tiger Woods. 2005. 16th Hole. The Nike chip. And the missed High 5. No one forgets that. I remember I woke up early (but not too early) for work and I turned on the TV to catch what I hoped would be the final few holes.

It was the 16th.

And Tiger and this guy Chris DiMarco (I think) was there and Tiger was stalking the green. It was unbelievable. It was as if God woke me up, timed me perfectly to brush my teeth and change clothes and wash up etc. And so I stood there watching the whole scene unfold.

Is Tiger back?

I hope so. It could be the only reason why I will pay those crooks and corrupt billionaires who would sell their own parents for money, in AS-TUPID-TRO to give me back my golf channel.

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Worst Game but Yet…

serisel

Golf is strange.

This is the final conclusive statement that every golfer, whether hacker, amateur, buaya, professional or Tiger Woods will agree to.

I had my worst game this week – a 99 in my old haunt Seri Selangor. You would think that I would be hoping mad over the game but only – I thought I hit some of the best shots of my life in that game, coupled with some of the most retarded short game and putting ever experienced.

1) We teed off at Seri Selangor back nine first. It’s always better, because the back 9 of Seri Selangor is narrow like Kate Moss, although not as flat as her. So once you have warmed up, you can really drive like a King once you cross over. At least that’s how I prefer it.

2) I shot 49-50. Which is really weird, because I played really well on the back 9. I can probably hear some guffaws, but the stats is there – I drove as well as I could and the only two bad drives I had which ended up left was on 4th and 6th, both of which I put regulation on.

3) The front 9 (Hole 10 – 18 here) was just a massive cock up of epic proportions, especially when I started teeing off with my stupid 3 wood on the 16th and 17th. For 18th, my drive found me around 190 meters away from the hole (where the pole was, for those who know Seri Selangor). It’s a par 5 that all of us invariably tries to two on but messes up 99% of the time. This time around, I wanted to just land in front of the green, so I hit my 7 wood. Honestly, it was probably my best 7 wood shot of my entire life, because it went high and long, with a slight draw, and landed on the front of the green and rolled all the way to the back fringe, around 15 feet from the hole. Eagle? Yes, guess what – hello retarded 3 putt!!

4) The cock ups after great shots continued in the back 9. First hole, great tee shot, lousy 9 iron behind the bunker and flop right into the bunker. 3rd hole lousy first shot into the water, great 3rd tee to 5 feet and a wonderful retarded putt that misses for bogey. 4th hole great 6 iron recovery from the woods for regulation and three putted AGAIN. 5th hole, a booming drive that left me around 170m to green on a par 5 and instead of hitting a six iron, I opted my 7 wood which hooked into the water. HELLO!!

5) By far the worst was the 6th hole. I ended up in the woods with a very tiny opening which I hit my 3 wood second shot, probably the best 3 wood I hit. It landed around 10 meters from the green, but required a flop shot, which I deftly executed with the best 60 degree shot I’ve hit in my life to 3 feet from the hole. Birdie? Nope. 2 putt. From 3 feet. HELLO?!?!

6) After that, the entire will to live on left me and I just plugged around the final 3 holes with double bogeys on each, without any more resistance to the cruelty of crap shots after crap shots in my game.

I suppose the take away is this – that I *can* hit some amazingly super shots in my golf, but continuously following up with some of the most stupid shots immediately after. I suppose there’s still some positive there.

Hack ON!

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Astro, you are Stupid.

astrostupid

Yes. I am looking at you, ASTRO, you sorry piece of junk company owned by a guy who had been extorted money to bail out a big company, and in return passing the damn buck down to golfers, who are, as you assume, the lowest scums of the earth. Because you just took away Golf Channel from your sports package and demanding RM10 per month extra for something that you have agreed to give but now retracted. Oh how we so hate your company right now and the utter evil it represents.

ASTRO – I will just leave the legal, formal and polite complaints about you to our lawyer golfers, and resort to what Gilagolf does best – ranting like a mad man.

By the way, I’ve lodged a formal complaint against you and your kind at https://aduan.skmm.gov.my/eaduan_c/edaftar.cfm (and hopefully everyone reading this blog will do likewise) although the chances of them replying or even actioning against you is somewhat slim – seeing how important your owner has become in this country, what with bailing out the Big Boss and all. I would rank it as probable as sperm surviving more than 3 days in an anus (we all know that sperm can definitely survive in an arse for 2 days, but you cannot take a crap or wash it or even go for a bath, which is very difficult to do, but some people can do it, good on them). Well who knows, maybe there is an honourable soul in SKMM who will DO THE RIGHT THING.

So anyway, ASTRO, back to you. Having had experienced with your support staff, I will just list down the answers I know you will probably give if I were to call and lodge a complaint. I have already been informed by close friends who had worked in or with your company that your support staff mainly consists of apes. So there’s obvious leeway that I will give here, but then again, I am seriously more pissed off than I was before, when you refused to upgrade my package to HD even after billing me, until I threatened to call the SPCA on you and exposing the truth about your support’s species.

Here are a few of your standard response and my counter-response:

1) It’s in the contract that ASTRO can change our services anytime, and remove channels that we consider offensive, useless, degrading, or simply as stupid as a bunch of guys trying to put a white ball into a hole 400 meters away. – Yes, but fineprinting it in a font that requires a nano-microscope to read is not fair. Very few of us are micro-biologists who can own such an equipment.

2) You signed it and you agreed, so yeah, here’s a big F-you in the face. - OK, but what about ethical standards? Say, if I were to pay you monthly to wash my car and we agreed, wouldn’t I assume that the standards we have agreed on should be the same if the price is not changed? Would you suddenly revert to washing my car with dogshit just because you feel like it? Would your ‘wash’ expectation be the same as mine?

3) That’s stupid, Gilagolf. Of course not. How would dogshit make your car cleaner? – So likewise, I signed up for Sports package that consisted of Golf. Now you take it away, how can I consider it as a Sports package?

4) What? What about football, netball, hockey, WWE and all that? – What if I don’t watch any of those horseshit and I don’t consider them sports? Wouldn’t my expectation of ‘sports’ be different from yours? How can you make the assumption that Golf is not ‘sports’ and therefore cannot be included in your sports package?

5) This is going nowhere. Can you just get to the damn point? – The Damn point, Astro, is that either I want a cheaper sports package because it doesn’t have the sport that we all agreed on in the first place, or you to reinstate golf back into the package – at least for current subscribers.

6) Nope. That’s not gonna happen. We need the money, what with us losing 2 billion and all. – Why golf? Why can’t you torment all the housewives by removing the Korean drama channel? It’s just a bunch of men and women who look alike crying all the freaking time!

7) Obviously, Korean drama is something that is being watched by housewives during their hair dye sessions in their home. Housewives are already messed up with GST and their tailors extorting money from them, how can we be so inhumane to take away their channels? Come on, Gilagolf, have a heart! Besides, since Tiger has quit golf, nobody gives a shit about your stupid sport anymore  - OK, that Tiger argument is reasonable good point. But I am still pissed. I am just going to lodge a formal complaint against your company and its black heart dealing in this. You can’t just change like this without consultation or compensation. It’s unethical.

8) Ethics? Ethics are for losers. ASTRO’s motto is ‘Ethics is the sure way to hell. Corruption is the highway to heaven.” Look – it’s in the contract that we can change anytime. If you don’t like us, go screw yourself, because we have no competitors. The alternatives are those bunch of losers and wankers at HyppTV or ABNXcess. They are like a trishaw and a cart pulled by a diseased monkey compared to our Ferrari. Good luck watching your golf from Loserville, we can afford to lose all our golf viewers and we wouldn’t even lose a single second of sleep because we are so RICH. This is also why our channels never work when it rains and we know everyone is at home trying to watch their miserable ASTRO shows. This is because we are using satellite dishes that are actually cobbled from actual metal dishes that we found in a Russian landfill in 1962 in Khazakstan. These were the actual plates and dishes used by their peasants to eat their food from! HA! We just like being a$$holes to all of you just because we can!!- I hate your evilness, ASTRO! What other devious and dastardly stunts are you going to pull after this? Now that you have set your precedence will you also force those wannabe footballers to pay for their BPL?

9) It’s obviously in the works. Those are the second bunch of losers next to golfers. It’s just because we know you have no alternatives because we are so mysteriously protected by some unknown force, and so secretly blessed by some unknown persons, that we can treat you slightly better than how we treat our catshit but not as well as we treat our cats. You guys are bums. Live with it, and take a hike if you don’t like ASTRO, because we have a bunch of housewives willing to pay RM1,200 for us every month subscription. Life is REALLY good for us now.

Screw you, ASTRO. You are STUPID.

MUAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA <Support staff hangs up>.

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I am the King of Self Sabotage

impian201503

One of my resolutions: to break 90 on average. My outing in Impian Golf and Country could have really turned out to be one of the best games I’ve had ever, especially the back nine. However, I am the king of self sabotage.

I started the day quite badly, my recent hot driver turned out to be a piece of crap after all as my familiar duck hooks and push far right shots started to come back. It was as if that driving streak I had in Bangi was a distant dream. So – if the driver start to suck, something else needs to come in play. Even when I drove ok, on the first hole for instance, my approach was just horrendous. Chunk, fat, thin etc. Only after I hit my par on the sixth hole that I started playing well. The double bogey on the eight was a self sabotage, I was trying to drive across the river, which required about a 250 meter carry. I just thought I was good. I was not. But after that, the back nine, I was +1 over 5 holes. But on the par 5 5th, I missed a 3 foot for birdie and from there, everything sort of crashed down. I needed a bogey to get to 89 in the final hole and I double bogeyed after a 3 putt. I 3 putted twice on the last 3 holes that cost me the sub-90 round.

As for the course – Impian is in good conditions, but the greens are really bamboozling. I really cannot putt well there. Ah well.

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