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Bandar Utama Golf Course

Introduction
After a long lay off, I finally dusted off the dirt from my clubs for a quick nine in Bandar Utama. It was a simple golf game, basically with a couple of beginners, and also to get the rust out of my system. And what better place than our old hunting ground, what we know as BU course, or BU9 or sometimes, in our best mood, that piece of cr** that disguises itself as a golf course. So on a cloudy Sunday morning, we teed up on a course we haven’t seen for more than a year.

DSC00319.jpg picture by gilagolf

Travel (2/5)
This is obviously a very contentious point, because if you’re from Penang or something, it’s absolutely pure insanity that you would want to drive down all the way to play on this course, as you will soon see. I mean, it’s like paying a billion dollars to buy a Preda, Louis Vitton or a Gutci handbag, and those are the correct spelling. Or a Rollex, Tag Higher or Ohmega wrist watch. In other words, absolutely pure insanity.

But you know, as mentioned before, the rating system is obviously very biased in terms of convenience to the one actually writing it, and for this particular person, a drive to Bandar Utama is a breeze.

It’s one of our courses that probably don’t require a map but we’re going to put it in anyway for the sake of looking professional.

bumap

OK, so take the sprint highway heading towards the Damansara Toll (for Pj folks, that’s the one that you hit when you want to go to the airport). Go up at the Sony flyover to get into Bandar Utama, and turn right at the lights. Go straight till you see Bandar Utama College on your left, and take that turning leading to the college. On the map, it’s called Persiaran Utama.

Keep going straight, go past a few bumps, ignore the first left and take the second left, despite warning signs of danger and death. It’s going to look as if you’re going into a mining site, or some kind of POW camp, but you will emerge and see a parking lot on your right and a small little hut that passes off at the club house. Remember what we said about telling a golf course from it’s club house. Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, the Bandar Utama Golf Course.

Price (2/5)
We forked out RM53 for 9 holes, which on a prime time like Sunday morning, is pretty decent, I guess. It gets down to about 40 plus during the afternoon. It’s of course a little premium for the convenience, but we need to temper that price with how the course is, and matching price for course, it gets a below par 2. I mean, think about it, if RM53 gets us 9, RM106 gets us 18, which is more than we pay to tee up at Kinrara on a Saturday morning utilizing our AGN membership. And you know sometimes you’re fat and you stand next to a fatter guy and everyone starts thinking you’re thin? This Bandar Utama course makes us think that when we die and go to heaven, Kinrara course will be waiting for us. We begin to yearn for the course which, as we have already reviewed, is a pretty much extended copy of a moderate to frustratingly crappy course as well.


First thoughts
Ok, I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t even want to review this course in the first place, that’s why all the pictures are taken from my camera phone. It was until the second hole that I decided to review it and let you know what me and my buddies think.

First thoughts when you see the club house, especially on a weekend, is:

“Wah, so many people one ah?”

In fact, it often seems that the entire population of PJ has decided to gather on this tiny plot of land for the sole purpose of cangkuling the ground and making life a miserable, living hell for other jokers who have also gathered for the sole purpose of cangkuling and miserabling. It’s one big pile of mess, because of it’s convenience, every Tom, Dick and Sally, Aunties and construction workers are here to pitch their new found skill on this game of golf.

It’s generally a lose-lose situation here. Because as beginners, having a huge gallery looking at you is probably not the best way to get to your first tee. But you have to tee up and with sweaty palms, and knocking knees you stand over the ball which suddenly looks smaller than a plankton and you proceed to skim the ball 20 feet in front of you and embarrass your family name. This slows down the game, but there’s no way out of it, as you go on and cangkul onwards miserably. And this repeats itself as flood after flood of beginners pack the starting tee.

And as long as we are here, we’re all beginners, so there’s really no point in getting overly frustrated over the lack of skill displayed.

DSC00310.jpg picture by gilagolf

Service(1/5)
OK, the service sucked. Signing in is easy itself, but we had to wait additional 40 minutes because they ran out of buggy. I mean, ok, fine, I get it, your course is so popular than all your buggies are snapped up by 730. So, if you come at 8:30 am, you’re in deep crap because you don’t have buggy and you have to wait till at least 945 for the first flight to complete.

We thankfully came about 9:15 ish so it wasn’t too long before we haggled over a buggy and drove off to Tee 1. The buggies are new, which begs the question of “Who the heck is investing into this forsaken place anyways?”

On Tee 1, it gets worse. You will see a long line of buggies in front of you. And because these are typically beginners, no one has any idea of any ethics. There was a flight in front of us with 2 people. And in front of them, a flight with 2 people. And in front of them was a fourball.

What’s the rule here?

The two balls join together right? I mean, balls here mean the flights, because my statement there might get some of the more depraved readers chuckling. Two guys just say “Hi, can we join you” and make a fourball and everyone  gets moving along.

But due to the lack of governance on the course, and the obvious lack of any marshal whatsoever, all rules are thrown out the window. The two marsupials in front of us absolutely did everything in their power to avoid eye contact with us, who threw them dirty looks and when one of us said aloud: “Gee, wouldn’t it be nice if it was all fourball instead of two balls, right?” they pretended they were Micronesians who didn’t speak a word of English.

I mean, come on, would it kill you to say hi and join the darn flight in front? Would it kill you to actually learn a little about golf ethics? Would it really kill you if for once in your life, you become a little more considerate and stop making life a miserable, living hell for the rest of the PJ population waiting for you to get out of the way?

DSC00303.jpg picture by gilagolf

Fairways (0/5)
From here on, be prepared for a free fall down hill. With that amount of golf newbies on a course with 9 holes, there is absolutely no way that the fairways can even resemble anything close to a golf turf. Most of the time you’ll find your ball either stuck in mud or simply sitting on a patch of sand. In fact, we recommend you steal a driving range turf and just carry it around with you and use it, because with the ground blasted to bits by relentless golf clubs coming too steep, it resembles Omaha Beach on D-Day.

Also, aside from hole 1,3 and 5, the rest of the fairways are forbiddingly narrow. It’s not due to the intelligence of the designer, but rather the limitation of the land. Like its big brothers Seri Selangor and Monterez, BU Course is another reason why so many beginners give up the game in the first place, after losing 60 balls into oblivion.

DSC00315.jpg picture by gilagolf

Greens(1/5)
The greens fare slightly better, but it’s not to say it’s good. It’s just better than the fairways. The greens are not pressed or maintained, so it’s just there, with different speeds, mainly excruciatingly slow and unpredictable. There are a few undulations or interesting greens like the massive one at the par 5 third. Or it can resemble a temporary green like the one on the 4th. Needless to say, I have never seen a green mower in my life in BU course, so I am guessing that they train gerbils to nibble away and trim the greens to its current, low grade condition.

DSC00313.jpg picture by gilagolf

Rough(-1/5)
I can only post up these pictures of horror for your viewing.

DSC00305.jpg picture by gilagolf

The problem with BU is that it seems to be in construction all the time. If it’s not one condo, it’s another office block. It generates a foul stench, especially at the unplayable second. And come on, look at this piece of crap. You’re kidding me.

It gets better as you ‘cross over’ to the 4th (literally, you need to cross over the road), but the same soggy ground is prevalent. Your ball goes into the rough, it’s bye bye. It’s either plugged or stolen by those darn maintenance gerbils.

DSC00302.jpg picture by gilagolf

Aesthetics(2/5)
Why do we give this a 2, despite everything points to a -10?

To be fair, if you can get past the second hole, BU course can pass off as an acceptable looker. The same way as how any normal human with 2 eyes, 2 ears, a nose and a mouth will generally not draw gasps of disgust, BU course is typically a narrow, constipated, forest surrounding course, with very typical scenes. The ugliness is in the construction around it.

To be fair, they’ve made some changes in terms of beautifying the place, by placing proper embankment on the par 5 3rd. They also seem to be investing to build a community center with swimming pool at the side of hole 1. Without a side net however and one of our group promptly shanked his second shot into the currently unoccupied pool.

And to be also fair, the par 5 3rd is quite a good challenge. A good drive puts you about 180 from the green but you need to float up a 3 wood over water to an almost inaccessible green with water in front, right and back. A small bailout is to the left but pull it, it lands into water.

The par 5 sixth is also reachable in 2. It’s a curious hole with a cliff on the left for your wayward balls to rebound from into the fairway. In fact, in our flight, two guys careened their balls from the walls safely onto the fairway. Mine also pulled but landed inside a bush instead. Bollocks!

DSC00317.jpg picture by gilagolf

Of course, the signature is the par 3 seventh. It’s an extremely elevated tee box looking over the next two holes. It’s quite enjoyable but serious hard work in gauging the distance and keeping your ball from yanking left to OB. It’s also OB right, with a pond in front, and a steep drop off to the back.

A lot of people overshoot the green because it states like 165m or something. In fact, go for your 150m club, like your 7 and you’ll get it on safely. This is pretty much the saving grace of the entire course. Feel free to pile in 3-4 balls to the green while you’re here, because after this, it’s going through the slog again.

DSC00323.jpg picture by gilagolf

Fun Factor(1/5)
Fun? Nobody has fun in Bandar Utama Course. Due to its constipated heritage, it’s sheer torture to go through it and also to watch those marsupials in front of you go through it because they take so long to look for their darn ball. In fact, the flight in front of us actually went into the construction site searching for balls. I mean, are your balls studded with Tiffany diamond rings or something? Golf balls, I mean.

This course also carries the distinction of a 9 hole course that takes an 18 hole duration to play. We teed up about 9:45 and finished almost at 12:30 pm. It took us an hour plus to just slog through the first three holes. They should advertise it: “Make your 9 holes feel like 18 holes!” Half the time you will spend waiting, ball juggling, playing chor tai tee, watching movie on your ipod video or generally wondering how you could have spent your morning sleeping instead of standing in a stinking golf course waiting for the fellas in front of you to hit their diamond studded balls.

In our group the two beginners had their share of joy when one hit the flag pole to get a par and the other bombed a 25 footer through sheer luck to get his birdie on the par 4 eight. He leapt up and screamed in joy, as if he scored the winning goal in the world cup, and finally started smiling, after shooting about 110 on the first six holes.

DSC00308.jpg picture by gilagolf

Conclusion
Despite of it being graded a complete waste of time and money, it escapes the dreaded AAC (Absolutely Astoundingly Crap) grading due to its location. Like it or not, people and us included will probably return now and then to play it because of its convenience and the fact that it’s the course that all beginners will start with. It sucks, but that’s life right. You most likely will enjoy it as much as having your wisdom tooth extracted with a BOSCH drill, but if you last to the par 3 seventh, then at least you can have some fun there.

But once you are a decent player, or once you record your first par and birdie, make arrangements to flee the place. Consider yourself graduated and look forward to a lifelong struggle with more worthwhile courses like Kinrara or Bangi or Seri Selangor.

DSC00307.jpg picture by gilagolf

The good: Location, location, location. Also par 3 seventh signature hole is worth playing a few times; the de facto beginner’s course, so most people will forgive you for hacking the ground to death and playing like a complete nut.

The bad: Boy, there’s a lot. Wait time is crazy; no governance on course; no golf ethics; stinking fairways; absolutely awful rough; and be prepared to lose a dozen balls or so, so please take all the old driving range balls and use them, and keep your diamond studded balls at home.

The skinny: 10 of 40 divots (25%). If you just started golf, you can’t escape this. It’s like ragging, a rude welcome to the game of golf. You won’t enjoy it but you will need to go through it and get stronger as you level up, like World of Warcraft. Once graduated, don’t look back to this heinous piece of course ever again…unless you need to accompany other beginners.

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Templer Park Country Club

Introduction

I’ve waited quite a long time to play at Templer Park, and thinking that my game was coming around after an 83 at Bangi, I was pretty confident of doing well. See, Templer Park is a player’s course. So if you do well there, you know you’re getting somewhere in your game. Plus, it’s quite a premier course as well, and after seeing pictures of that mountain thingy (it’s called Takun Mountain, though it’s really theoretically a limestone rock), it’s a must play course for Gilagolf, up there with Clearwater, Saujana, Palm and Datai.

Travel (3/5)

As a kid, I recall traveling for hours to get to Templer’s Park. It used to be so darn far! Now with the wonderful advent of modern roads, pristine Malaysian forests are plowed down so we can get from the city to the remaining pristine forests in shorter time. The easiest way is from PJ, head over to Kepong. After the LDP toll, stay right and go up the flyover and you’ll be heading towards Batu Caves. Look for signs for Ipoh where you’ll need to turn off. At the roundabout, take a left and you’ll be on the old Ipoh road. From there, it’s 21 KM down a scenic drive and you need to make a U turn and Templer’s Park Golf is on your left. You’ll come to a T junction and you’ll see Templer and Perangsang, i.e Heaven and Hell. Guess which one to take?

The only disadvantage is that it gets very jam during rush hour. The entire area is clogged up for some reason, and though it’s accessible, you need to leave early to get there in time. Oh yeah, Templer Park is very anal about their tee time. You miss it, it’s too bad for you. You’ll get bumped down the food chain.

Price (2/5)

The cheapest way to play at Templer is to purchase the Top Premier book for about RM160. It has 2-3 vouchers for Templer park, and you end up paying about 50 bucks or something to play. Else, if you’re a walkin, you’ll be spitted upon and charged 135RM for a weekday. Seriously, get the Top Premier book.

Now, I understand if it’s RM135 on a weekday. I get it. It’s a top course. It has many Japanese speaking people there. It has this huge hill that looks like the crystal rock I have on my office table. I get it. What I don’t get is this: WHY ARE YOU CHARGING US NORMAL PRICE WHEN YOUR COURSE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT PLAYING NORMAL??

It gets a 2, and you’ll see later what we’re so pissed off about.

First thoughts

Class. Those were my thoughts. I liked the changing room. You take off your shoes. Very Japanese. I liked the F&B area, there’s a wide garden and the huge lime rock looks over you. And the course looks fascinating. Everything here reeks of class…and I think for a change from all the other golf clubs, it really is cool. And also, one of the Gilalogy is this: If there’s a course that is next door or nearby, almost always your course will be extra good, if it’s the better one. Look at Kota Permai. It overshadows Bukit Kemuning. Palm Garden overshadows UPM. Across the road here is Perangsang. I’ve never played there, but I heard it’s a poor man’s Templer. So, we’ll give it a miss for now.

Service (4/5)

The moment you get down from your car, you’ll be greeted by eager caddies. I like the service for the little things they do. Like having a specially modified buggy to take the golf sets without piling them lock stock and barrel into a normal buggy like the stupid Bukit Kemuning and Tiara Melaka. It’s very considerate of them. The check in was quick and painless, the locker room clean, and the buggy waiting area very orderly. The caddie needed some work, because she kept giving me the wrong yardage and she couldn’t find my ball on the third hole when I clocked up a triple, but overall, very good service.

Fairways (2/5)

Ok, now you will see why we’re so pissed.

The first 3 fairways were unplayable. That’s right. I mean this wasn’t just a part of it that was being maintained. They were ripping up the entire course! I see chunks of dirt and carpets of grass littering the whole course like gigantic cow dung. I see casual water around the first fairway, I see my ball resting a huge clump of dirt and I can’t even drop, since, the whole fairway was stuffed up. Holes that you could sprain your ankles in. For a while, I wanted to march back up to the nice registration lady who gave me an A Class service and shout, “I PAID RM135 FOR THIS?!”

Of course, in a civilized world, that would be unacceptable, so we bit the bullet, struggled through the first few holes.

After the 3rd hole, the fairways finally reverted back to normal condition, which was pretty good. But it doesn’t save it. You charge me RM135 to essentially play 16 holes since the 2nd hole was a par 3.

Greens (4/5)

Thank God they weren’t messing around with greens as well. Templer green was almost perfect. We were all a little spoilt after Beringin, but it held up to the rain very well. One thing about Templer is that the greens are huge. I don’t know if it’s me, but regulation doesn’t mean a thing. I thought my putting was pretty ok, but I struggled like a monkey getting the speed right. At the par 5 12th, I made a complete fool of myself, where putting off the front, I putted off it, and three putted back in. It was just one of those days. I think we were all a little upset over the condition of the fairways, since all of us struggled the first few holes.

Rough (3/5)

The rough here punishes us in a way that Clearwater does. Because Templer is deceivingly long (at 6150m, it’s medium but for some reason, it plays almost 300m longer), the rough catches your ball and turns your par 4s to par5s and your par5s to God knows what. I was actually driving very well—I avoided the dreaded duck hook, my crapshot, and this time, I was pushing the ball right (which was an improvement to me, trust me). Several times I landed into trouble with the ample water, but the first 9 was supposed to be easier, and I scored a massive 49 on it. Most of this was because of the bunkers.

There is a LOT OF BUNKERS. Can’t say anything anymore. It severely degrades your game when you hit a bunker, hit out and hitting 3 into the green from 140 – 150 meters and hope it’s close for par or at least bogey. Make a mistake and hit one in the bunker again, you’ll likely look at some inflated scoring.

Aesthetics (5/5)

The selling point is always the aesthetics of Templer. With that gigantic crystal rock overlooking everything, every hole plays to its shadows. It’s quite imposing, and we played the first nine under clear skies, but the weather made a U turn and down came the rain again, spoiling another good game.

When the rain dissipated, the course took on an even more surreal look; with low hanging clouds hugging the Takun Mountain, and drifting around the course. Templer is quite a beauty, every hole bringing in a different look. The par 4 3rd plays flat as flat can be; yet the imposing 15th par 5 is framed by jungle on both sides and takes a huge dive down into the green; cascading down like a lush, green waterfall. The snarling 169m par 3 8th requires a deadly carry over water, and bunker. The magnificent par 4 12th takes a risky path over jungle down to a narrow strip of fairway. The beautiful par 3 16th, a elevated tee shot to a green peeking over a brook, that has a stone bridge across it, a’la Hogan Bridge in Augusta. The par 4 17th, at 425 is highly impressive, and with a good drive and a hybrid, I only managed to kiss the front lip of the humongous green.

And of course, the signature ending hole, the 18th. The mountain looked down at us, frowning at our antics as we smashed 3 balls each to see if we can get it up to the upper tiered fairway, across the lake. The carry over water was about 210 meters or so, and with 3 balls, I managed to cross but couldn’t get it to the upper tier, settling at a small landing area about 90 meters from the hole. Only one of us, with a massive drive managed to reach the top tier. He skulled his approach and settled for a bogey while I parred it, and brought back at least a good memory of my otherwise forgettable game.

Fun Factor (4/5)

It’s not often you can say you had a lot of fun when you stumble to a 94. I actually played better than I scored, for once. And strangely played better at the harder 9 coming in. Except for the first hole, I didn’t descend into my patented crapshot, the low duck hook that veers right to left about 100 meters down the other fairway or right into OB. Of course, I went to the other extreme, the big push to the right, which caused my triple bogey on the 3rd by blasting it over the fence into oblivion. Two holes later, I pushed my shot into the lake, hit my 3rd into the rough, lost it (this is where I was a little annoyed with the caddie), chipped illegally my 6th and carded my second triple. I had 2 doubles on both sides of the nines, but I actually played a lot better after the downpour except for the stupid shot at 16th where I duffed it into the drink.

There are a couple of things you need to be careful of:

1) The distance markers suck. Really, they do. They actually measure only to the front of the green, usually where the deep bunkers lie in wait. In the cart, there is a crude drawing (I wished I photographed it!) of the pin positions of the day and additional yardage calculation. Why they do this, only heaven knows. It’s not as if we are smart enough to keep referring back to the drawing. We usually just get down from the buggy, walk and hit, and walk again. Which brings me to my second point:

2) The caddies aren’t superb either. Actually we only had one, and she wasn’t great. She kept giving us yardages that were shorter. She claims she’s calculating in meters and telling us to the middle of the flag but she’s lying. I doubt she can calculate yards to meters on the fly. I bet she’s simply subtracting 30 away, because Templer’s average yards per hole is 375, which is about 343, so minus 30 right. Now if it’s 100 yards, she’ll say its 70 meters. But it actually is 91.44 meters! CRAPSHOOT! So lots of the high score came not from lousy shots but from shots that were short. And in Templer, short means in the drink or in the bunker. Beware of the converting caddie. Just tell her to give you in yards and you make your own judgement.

3) Your buggy can sit 4 people! It’s crazy cool! Of course it’s more difficult to control, but hey, it’s quite a good invention. Drive with care….

4) Templer Park’s notorious for having ghost stories. One of it was that on the backswing, you’ll see your caddie at the corner of your eye behind you, but when you’ve hit it, she’s in front of you. Another one is that the ghost will applaud and say “Good Shot!” in one of the par 3s. Another one is that they will see an extra ball on the green. Another one is that when your ball goes into the jungle, it will be thrown out again. I like the last ghost best, but I didn’t see any of it, so I’ll just assume as I always do, that ghosts are a bunch of bollocks. Here’s what I got from a forum:

“Prisoners were executed and buried here during the 2nd. world war by the Japanese army. Coincidentally this golf course was the first to introduce night golfing. But night golfing stopped after a short while.”

Conclusion

Except for the first three holes, the experience of Templer Park was really good. First, you’ll need an A game here. OB doesn’t often come in play but the bunkers really kill you. They are littered everywhere! For a course that’s not too far out of the way, its striking beauty will definitely leave an impression on you. The holes are championship material, the course well designed, and the greens very well maintained. If they fix their fairways, this will be an A-list course for sure.

The good: Decent travel time; superb scenery; greens are almost immaculate; tough, challenging rough forces you to keep the ball in the short stuff; every hole has distinct personality; 4 seater buggy is a cool idea.

The bad: The price! With lousy fairways, they should be decent enough to slash it for us; distance hard to gauge; caddie is below average, yet have to tip her; tougher back 9 for short hitters; ghosts don’t throw the ball out; monkeys will attack your buggy (serious this one).

The skinny: 27 of 40 divots (67.5%). It’s not the best we’ve played but for the view, it’s definitely worth braving the jam and ghosts to get there. If you do well here, you’ll probably do well in most courses in Malaysia. A definite go for us.

Templer Park Scorecard

Templer Park Information

Address:

Templer Park Country Club

KM21, Jalan Rawang, Rawang

48000 Kuala Lumpur,

Selangor, Malaysia

Contact: +603-60919111

Fax: +603-60919807

Email: many_sp@tpcc.com.my

Website: http://www.tpcc.com.my/

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SSG Beringin Golf Club

Introduction

You know the school nerd that suddenly gets hot once she gets past the teenage years? Well, we’ve been hearing a lot about Beringin for some time. Now, I have never played there before but I recall one day, early in my golf career, when I was cangkul-ling the ground at Bukit Beruntung, I complained out loud to my brother: “We traveled all the way for this??” Because, at that time, Beruntung was crap. I don’t know how it is now, but it used to be the entire fairway was like a giant bunker. Not only for one hole. But for 18 bloody holes!

My brother responded, “You should be glad you’re not at Lembah Beringin, it’s even worse!”

And from there on, Lembah Beringin has become synonymous to crap, lousy, piece of stool, mother of all crappy courses, a gigantic piece of dung…you get the idea. It seems awfully unfair to rate it like that before we even see it, but you know, I have a high regard for my brother’s advice. And anything worse than Beruntung has gotta be something beyond our wildest nightmare.

Recently we keep hearing how Lembah Beringin has changed, due to Saujana taking over. Now, Saujana are the geniuses who gave us Impiana and of course Saujana course. Golfers who went to Beringin, came back with wonderful tales of a glorious change, of a magnificent course worthy to be a championship course. It wasn’t just a name change—ditching the unpronounceable-to-foreigners ‘Lembah’ was a good idea. It removed any obvious name jokes golfers are so notorious for: like Lembik Beringin, (Weakling) Lembu Beringin (Cow), Lemas Beringin (Drowning), Lebam Beringin (Bruising). Golfers who crack such stupid jokes and laugh at it should be shot on sight with a 12 gauge shotgun, and remains fed to hyenas.

Anyway, due to such exciting news of the newly called SSG Beringin, we packed up into a car and headed up north to this mythical course.

Travel (3/5)

We absolutely hate traveling to the northern course (i.e north of Klang Valley). Where as you see the southern courses are all closely clustered (Bangi, Kajang, Palm Garden, UPM, Impiana etc), the northern courses always feels as if you need to pack your passport. Anything after Rawang, and we’re hitting the outer reaches of space. But we’ll try to be fair and give more points to courses that are easily accessible, even if they are located in Timbuktu. To get to Beringin (we will just call the darn course SSG now, shall we?), it’s easy, head to the NKVE (you know how to get there don’t you?), easiest from the Damansara Toll, and head to Ipoh/Rawang. You will travel a long, long time, past Rawang, past Bukit Beruntung and finally arrive at the Lembah Beringin Exit. Take that and ta-da! The course is right next to the turn off. It’s that easy. In fact, it’s so easy, it doesn’t even need a map. If you can’t find it, you don’t deserve to be called a fully functional seeing man. Or woman, as if women actually read this blog.

Because it doesn’t try to purposely waste our petrol like Bukit Unggul, we are going to give it a 3. It’s far, but it’s easy to find.


Price (4/5)

We paid RM65 all in, and they didn’t force any caddy on us, which is good, because we don’t like paying extra, especially after burning so much petrol to get here. In fact, I’ll have to admit, the price was pretty good, considering we were walk ins and in normal cases, walk ins are treated only slightly better than the cow dung remover. Not the person removing the cow dung, but the actual equipment itself. So it was good that they didn’t slaughter us with some ridiculous pricing like 120RM or something, and use the Saujana name to justify the price.

First thoughts

One guy from my flight mentioned that Beringin was a short and easy course.

“No OB one!” he stoutly declared.

He is obviously one of those who fall under the non functional seeing man category. The first hole itself was a daunting dogleg right, to cut, you have to fly over the jungle. I made it, but took 3 to get on and stupidly 3 putted for a double bogey start.

The course was short, definitely. Easy? Not really.

Service (1/5)

Service is definitely not their strongest point. Firstly, the registration girl was so slow, we thought we had entered into an X dimension where time is slowed to half. Seriously, she was just staring blankly at the computer screen for a few moments while the queue was piling up behind us. I finally had enough and got my friend to stand in there while I changed. The changing room wasn’t any better. It had a musty smell of bad ventilation. I changed and came out after 15 minutes, and yep, the line was still there, and we still had to wait.

The cracker would be this. Apparently, this club has no sirens. Sirens, as in not the mythical sea creatures, but the ominous horn that sounds the death knell for all golfers: lightning, stop playing. We struggled through our round with heavy rain at the later half, and as we didn’t hear the siren, we thought, well, let’s trust the club’s lightning meter and play on.

It finally struck us as we teed up the 18th in a blizzard like rain, with no visibility and sheets of water cascading down on us, and us drenched to the bone; that we might not have heard the siren go off. Surely, that was a flash of lightning. And another and another. And here’s like a whole series of them, crackling up above us, as the wind whipped up water like Noah’s flood. We looked around us and saw we were right under high tension wires, carrying probably 1000000 volts of electrical current, in a thunderstorm.

We abandoned the last hole, put in an arbitrary score and headed back to the clubhouse. We went straight to the marshal sitting there, warm as a puppy, with a sleepy look on his face and we demanded, where the heck was their siren? Did it sound at all?

With a shrug, he said, “Tak Tahu”, which translates to, “Don’t know, but you are morons to be playing in this weather.” I doubt there’s any sirens in this club! DARNIT! We could have been fried chicken out there! How can you NOT know if there was a siren or not?

Fairways (2/5)

Bah, cowgrass. I hate to sound picky, since my home course is also cow grass, but after playing in Bermuda, going back to cowgrass simply sucked. Plus, the fairway wasn’t holding up well in the rain. At times, I had to wade through the water to get to my ball. Even the second hole, a long 525m par 5 had fairways narrower than Kate Moss, so stupid as we were, we thumped our drivers nearly into oblivion. No OB? This course was all OB, dude!! But the lower score is really for it’s condition. Besides not holding well up to the rain, the fairway had patches of sand and was fairly bald in many places.

Greens (5/5)

We see what the fuss is about. The greens were apparently called TifEagle, which has as much meaning to us than the word garbulomumbo. Call it what you want, the greens in this club really, really rocked. As in, what a green. While all the other aspects were bad, or medium bad, once you’re on the green, you’re like in a velvet carpet. It’s that good. The ball bit, spun, danced, and basically showed us once again that if Saujana specializes in anything, it’s their greens. Despite the drizzle, the greens played fast, causing me to 3 putt twice in the first 3 holes, before getting used to it. If there’s anything that’s worth the travel, price and struggle through the fairways, it’s the greens. Top notch.

Rough (3/5)

Say what you like about SSG, it punishes way ward shots, and that means all of ours. We like the grip it and rip it style of Palm Garden, Bukit Kemuning, and don’t really fancy constipated courses like Nilai Springs and Seremban 3. Unfortunately, SSG lands in the latter category. There are a few exceptions, but most of the holes, from the narrow par 5 2nd and 7th, to the skinny 15th with hazard on the right. Bring lots of balls and if you’re not confident with your driver, use a 5 wood to negotiate. No kidding. If we had stuff the big dog back into the bag and use our 5 wood, we would have scored like 67 on this course. Well, thereabouts. As it is, being typically monkey-like golfers, we always think our next drive would be better, until we lose a dozen balls or more. Tough rough.

Aesthetics (2/5)

As much as we love the TifEagle greens, the rest of the course just wasn’t extremely picturesque. Unlike Bukit Unggul (as much as we hate that course, you gotta admit, it’s quite pretty), where the OB is lined with jungle; the OB here is typically lalang and ‘semak samun’. I don’t know what it’s called in English. Like those grass that reclaims the land, kind of. It’s not pretty, but worse, there’s no way that your ball might careen off a branch and come back in play, since there’s no branches. It’s just hip deep waste bushes that will eat up your balls.

One thing about Beringin, is that it is a dead town. I think the history was that everyone thought the international airport was going to be up north of Klang Valley, so housing estates like Beruntung and Beringin sprouted up, hoping to cash in. Lots of buyers bought homes there, to be a step ahead. Suddenly, the airport went south to Sepang, and homeowners in Beringin were left to die. I heard a story of someone who purchased his home for 150,000RM and now, the selling price is about 80,000RM.

Around the golf course, you see homes that were supposed to be grand golf homes, like those at Tropicana, but now, overgrown with weeds, Mother Nature is taking it back. It’s actually very depressing. We couldn’t wait to scoot out of there. We half expected wide eyed creatures peeking out from the soulless windows hissing, “Come, my preciousssssss.” Yikes!

Fun Factor(3/5)

We actually had quite a nice time, even though we were struggling like baboons being forced to undergo acupuncture. The OB really got the better of us. But the 10th hole was a cracker. It’s a 290 meter drivable par 4 from an elevated tee box. You’re probably at the highest point and us being golf cowboys, snapped up our drivers, sauntered to the white tees, and let it rip to the green. There’s a huge raving fronting the green so anything that can’t carry 250 meters is in deep do-do. From the white, you needed about 270 to reach the green. From the elevated tee box, we gauged that a 250 meter drive would do the trick, with 230 to cross the ravine.

Both of us who tried made it. In fact, my friend, hit it so long, it reached the black tee of the next hole, over a pair of Korean women teeing up at the red. Mine landed in deep rough at the side and I stumbled around for a par.

Conclusion

If you have a group of jokers who’ll keep you from dying of boredom, it’s actually quite worth the drive to Beringin. I mean, look, if you were planning to head out to Beruntung, you can go the extra mile or so, right? The greens are certainly worth your attention, and you better enjoy it now, in case SSG decides to pull out of the club like they did for Impiana. Unlike Impiana, Beringin just doesn’t have the volume of visitors to keep it from descending back into reclaimed land.

The good: The greens, definitely; the course is very strategically located right next to the turn off; challenging holes like the 10th makes it fun; reasonably well maintained; reasonable pricing

The bad: Heavy on the petrol; fairways are not so great; narrowness of the course might not suit some; aesthetically depressing; deaf and blind marshals that cannot hear or see lightning; there’s no bloody siren.

The skinny: 23 of 40 divots (57.5%). We expected nothing much from the course and got something out of it. We will likely give it another go, if the price of petrol comes down…which might be 50 years from now when we learn the art of teleportation. Still, it’s a go…you gotta try out the greens!

SSG Beringin Score Card

SSG Beringin Information

Address:
Lembah Beringin,
44110 Kuala Kubu Bahru,
Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia

Contact: +603-64600016

Fax: +603-64600018

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Saujana GCC – Bunga Raya

Introduction

Every golfer, whether hacker or professional, would have the ‘Top 3′ courses he/she wants to play in before dying. It’s natural. Of all instincts in the animal kingdom, two instincts rise above all: the instinct to mate, and the instinct to choose the top 3 courses to play. For me, it’s Augusta, St Andrews and Pebble Beach. But since those are currently out of reach (both geographically and budget-wise), I have to scale down to the Malaysian standards to the following 3: Saujana, Kota Permai, Mines. Of course, you can talk about Sungai Long, Bukit Jambul etc but why these 3 are so attractive is simply because Saujana and Kota Permai have hosted numerous high profile tournaments and Mines have had the pleasure of Tiger Woods’ footprints, spits and curses over 4 rounds of the Malaysian Open years ago (did I mention that his appearance fee is possibly more than the winner’s prize money?).

So when the opportunity came to play in Saujana, it was like an invitation to the Masters. We had 3 flights and those who never played the course before were highly strung up because we didn’t want to screw it up and look like idiots. So lots of planning, training went into the week before we were supposed to tee it up.

Which brings back to one of Gilagolf’s theory: No matter how much hackers practice on the range, there is no difference. They will suck, regardless.

Obviously my confidence level wasn’t very high, having trudge through a pair of 95s in Tasik Puteri and KRTU, and developed a horrendous duck hook along the way.

Travel (5/5)

We like courses that are nearby, i.e not too far from where we stay, and not too inaccessible, i.e too deep inside housing estates like Tasik Puteri, Nilai Springs, The Nameless Course in Seremban 3. We gravitate a lot to courses who are smart enough to be built next to a highway like KGNS or KGPA. Or in some cases like Saujana and Seri Selangor and Tropicana, we have the highway built next to the course.

It’s very simple to get the Saujana, even a blind cow can eventually find its way there. Remember the old airport, Subang airport? Well, head towards it, either from the federal highway (in which case, head past the Motorola (now Freescale) LDP bridge and stay left and follow the cute aeroplane symbol. If you’re coming from the NKVE, turn off at Subang, and right after the toll, stay right. You’ll make a big turn and end up on the road to Subang airport.

From there, stay left, looking at the signs that says Saujana and Ara Damansara. Turn off to Saujana and take a 9 at the small roundabout. The club is on the right.

As you drive up the road, revel in its history, like how other lucky golfers get to drive up Magnolia Lane in Augusta. This is the closest you can get to the local version of Augusta.

Here’s the official map from Saujana’s website.

I know, it doesn’t say much does it? In fact, for a premier golf course, I wish they would spend a little more on their website. I mean, if you compare it to Augusta’s website, this looks as if it was created by a bunch of college nerds out to make a quick buck.

Price (2/5)

According to the website, non members pay RM353 for an 18 hole round. That’s just green fees and insurance, mind you. Buggies are – get this – RM82 for twin sharing. RM82??! What the heck kind of buggy are they giving us, one attached with a freaking robot chauffer? We find out later that it was equipped with GPS for to track you distance. After fiddling with glee on the first hole, we all forgot about the GPS and just played golf like how we play.

Golfer: (To caddie) “Eh, how far-ah-the hole?”

Caddie: “150, boss. Take 6 iron la.”

Golfer: “150? Looks nearer one? No la, I strong hitter, 7 iron.”

Caddie: “But boss, ada wind la…don’t believe, check GPS la.”

Golfer: “7 iron!!! ”

Proceed to hit short into the bunker.

Golfer: “AIYAA! Wind laaaa!!!” (Tomahawk the 7 iron into the ground)

Caddies cost 40 bucks each, so it’s 20 per buggy. So here’s the overall price you are expected to pay (kaching!):

353 + 41 + 20 + 25 (minimum tip is 50 to caddie per buggy). = RM439.

Instead of giving it a -100 for price, we understand this is a premium course, so we’re bumping it up to a 2. Come on, Augusta comparisons are just for fun. No way in a zillion years will Saujana be even mentioned together with Augusta.

First thoughts

As I said, it was a nervous affair to come into Saujana. I was hoping we would get championship course, called the Palm Course, but more glamourously as “The Cobra”, but obviously, we’re still considered second class citizens in our little tournament and got bumped to their secondary course, The Bunga Raya course, otherwise known as “The Crocodile”. There is absolutely no reason why it should be named the crocodile, because we expected to see some reptilian obstructions along the fairway, which we did not. Neither is it a watery course, with water only in play towards the end. Perhaps it’s the fact that once the rough catches your balls, it’s like how a crocodile locks its jaws when it grabs hold of your balls, never letting it go until it crunches your balls into a million pieces. We’re talking about golf balls here, by the way.

Because this is Saujana, we’re willing to separate the two courses (Bunga Raya and Cobra) into different reviews (that is, if we ever find ourselves playing on the Cobra in this lifetime).

Service (3/5)

This was a game serviced by one of our generous vendors, so check in, registration was a breeze. I just turned up and we were ready to go. As mentioned, there is a GPS unit attached to each buggy but that’s about it. We hardly use it except for a few holes where we distrust our caddies (who for some reason, get offended when we do that).

The caddies were good. They know the course, they know the greens and you will need them to read these greens. Saujana is diabolical in the greens. What I didn’t quite like was how arrogant some of them were. We had a guy who was probably a 4 handicaper but he wasn’t my caddie. He seems like a nice fellow, someone like Nan, from Air Keroh, and he was constantly teaching my friend in the other buggy, how to release his drives.

My caddie was a girl, whom I thought was Indonesian (by default) but turned out to be a local Chinese. So it was the first time that I actually conversed with my caddy in Cantonese! But she wasn’t that great. Some of the reads she gave was way off, but some were good. But when I didn’t pull it off, she would go off in a huff saying I didn’t listen to her. What? Excuse me, how the heck am I supposed to be good enough to hit that chip exactly where you pointed? You think I am pro or what? One time I blasted out of a bunker and she says, “Why you hit so hard? Now long putt to hole.” I shot back that with our skill, anything out of the bloody bunker is good enough. It was a good thing she was a girl and my natural gentleman instinct overcame by barbaric instinct to wring her neck after 13 holes and plant a hundred balls into her thick skull.

It’s annoying when you hit a long putt and she goes, “See, I give correct read.” And when you miss, she goes, “Why never listen to me?”. Gosh, how about I drive your RM80 buggy into one of the lakes with you strapped behind it?

Fairways (3/5)

I was a little surprised to find the fairways in such a mediocre condition. Now all this is relative. The fairways are nice, with the ball sitting up like a carpet. But if I were to fork out nearly RM500 for a course, you need to give me something more than ‘nice’. It has to be Tropicana nice, as in, pristine. Hole 11’s fairways was mushed up and muddy near the buggy track. Hole 2 had tracks on the fairway and I had to take free drop. Hole 3 area near the green was so soft, my ball disappeared. A couple of holes, it didn’t hold up to the previous day’s downpour as well as I expected it to. So, relatively speaking, the fairways weren’t too special I’m afraid.

Greens (4/5)

Here’s where the madness begins. Saujana’s greens are absolutely crazy. They told us it was 10 on the stimp but I putted so badly, at one point 3 putted 3 holes in a row and ready to whack the putter to my head like Woody Austin. Putting is a snowball effect. You putt like a clown for the first few holes, you start second guessing. And I’ll tell you this, Saujana Greens are harder than KRTU. In KRTU, you can at least see those crazy undulations. You know your ball will break, but you’re not sure how much. Again, we reiterate we are speaking of golf balls. In Saujana, a straight putt could have a left break, an uphill putt could be a downhill. A regulation on could turn into a double bogey when you four putt. I mean, it’s not in your face like KRTU. This is deceptive. It’s subversive. It’s main intention is to trick you and you just watch in despair as your ball rolls…and rolls…and rolls and rolls. I putted like a man possessed, sinking in critical 5 – 6 footers to avoid 3 putting almost every hole. I don’t even have a tap in on any occasion!

And to prove yet again that Gilagolf’s review is in no way affected by how badly we play, we’re giving it a 4/5. The breaks and trickery were great. The maintenance wasn’t super though. Again, this is with the RM500 per round pricetag hanging over everything.

Rough (5/5)

Ah, if the greens were crazy, the rough was probably the best lesson I ever had in golf so far. I think it’s Bermuda, but you will likely enjoy hitting your balls out of lumps of cowdung more than trying to get out of these stuff. It’s gnarly, for the lack of better word. You think your ball is ok because you can see it and it’s not too deep inside. But this grass is strong, you can’t just whack it because it grabs your clubs and twist it any which way, which usually results in your ball being badly topped or bottomed and advancing 20 – 30 meters in pure ignominy. And here’s the difference between pro players and hackers.

For hackers, our learning ability is seriously malfunctioned. In fact, if I may, I can say I am golfically retarded. A pro player, after 1 or 2 holes experiencing the rough, would adjust his game to suit the conditions. For me, I usually chip around the green with my 48 degrees. I like to bump and run the ball, bounce once or twice off the green before releasing it on. I might sound like I know what I’m doing but most of time, it’s because I am really crap with my 60 degree and often end up skulling it. A wise guy might suggest to use my sand or approach wedge, but I will reject it simply because I like how my 48 degrees look at my chipping address. Anyways, so there I was throughout my front nine, trying to bump and run the ball on, and everytime I hit it short, the grass catches it and it gives me absolutely zero bump and zero run. I recall the par 5 8th, I was near the green in 3. My chip was short. My second chip was long and I had to struggle for a bogey.

It took me 9 holes to realize that my 48 degree will be useless and I switched to a 60 to get a higher trajectory on my chips to land on the green and avoid all the stuff between. I immediately got a par on my 10th and started recovering from my front nine 47. In fact, I was only six over when I reached the 18th and needing a par to break 90, and that was when the disaster (which I will chronicle) struck.

Aesthetics (4/5)

Saujana is a great looking course. I’m not just saying because I like groveling before the best club in Malaysia, but it’s a genuine feeling of freedom, standing over the elevated tee box at 1 and 10, and watching your drive soar down. Even the 9th hole, it was a magnificent view on top of the tee box, that sloped down into a valley and up again to the green. Some of these holes are diabolically long, like the Par 4 2nd which requires a perfect drive to hug the little dogleg left. The par 3s are not a piece of cake as well, the 13th is a scary 180 meter hole with an extreme elevation drop from tee to green. I’m surprised that they can come up with so many elevated holes in the Subang area. I always though the land was fairly flat.

It’s not a pretty little thing like Palm Garden, or a horrendously long course like Clearwater, but it’s a little in between. The generous fairways invite you with the driver, and the lack of OB gives you a fake confidence over the teebox. You yank something offline and it goes in the jungle. As the caddie said wryly when I asked if it was OB, “Here got no OB. Boleh cari, boleh main.”, i.e instead of plastering OB stakes around the course like stupid amateur courses like Nilai Springs, KRTU and all that, Saujana dares you to recover from the jungle. That’s why we call it a man’s course. It doesn’t retard the players recovery like other courses with its OB here and OB there. It lets the player decide, hey, if you wanna hit it through the jungle and risk your life, go ahead, make my day, lets see how you recover. Most of the time, we take one look at Saujana’s rough and jungle and we go, forget it.

At the end it’s still a Palm oil estate course like Rahman Putra, so we’re giving it an almost perfect 4/5 for aesthetics. Certainly enjoyable view and a great experience.

Fun Factor (4/5)

It took me a while to really get used to the greens and roughs so I was basically hacking like a turkey before Thanksgiving on my first 9. I was having a great driving day, blasting the ball a mile, that prompted the handicap 4 caddie to comment, “Do that again. I want to see your drive.”

Unfortunately, my other aspects were completely stupid. My approach shots were mediocre at best, and I pulled some nasty shots into the jungle. I was especially struggling with my 23 degree taylormade rescue (which is now back in the store room for punishment), yanking it left all day. My chipping, as mentioned, was like a man with epilepsy. My putting was Jekyl and Hyde, 3 putting at times, and dropping some crazy bombs at others.

Did I have fun overall? Sure, how is it not possible to have fun in Saujana? I would have gone home a happy and satisfied man if only I didn’t screw up the 18th. Like the show “Seconds from Disaster”, here’s a breakdown of the disaster of 18th.

  1. Approach the tee shot, a scary looking one with a peninsular on the left running along a huge lake on this Par 5. You need to aim left and depending on your carry, look for a target in that peninsular. It’s actually a great great hole to end.
  2. My drive hooked a little with a topspin but safely carried the water and into the primary rough.
  3. About 230 meters away to an elevated green, and here was the crucial decision. A 6 iron or my rescue wood? I already faced this dilemma in the 12th hole when I yanked my rescue wood into the jungle and barely escaped with a double thanks to a 20 feet putt over a 10 feet break.
  4. I don’t know why, but this is how insane people operate; I thought I could pull it off again. The exact same thought process came in: Come on, you can do this. But it’s deep rough. Maybe a 6 iron to just play it safe. Nah, what the heck, I want to go far. Far!!
  5. And with that, the devil on my left shoulder triumphed over the angel voice of reason on my right shoulder and I took my hybrid.
  6. I came down so steep, the ball got popped up by my rescue wood’s top and it sent the ball short, high and right. This is by far my crap shot.
  7. Every golfer has a crap shot. Shots that cannot be analysed, cannot be simulated on the range no matter how hard you try, shots that come once or twice in a round, often with disastrous results. Some struggle with the duck hook, some with the sh*kns, mine is exceptionally embarrassing because it just pops up 20 meters and go far right. In this case, yep, into the dang water.
  8. So lying 4 about 220 to the hole uphill, you reckon I would learn my lesson by now and try to five on and save bogey. Instead, I used the same bloody club and hooked it left.
  9. I was lucky there was a bunker there to catch it, else it would have dribbled off into God knows where. From the bunker, I hit perhaps my best 8 iron ever for the day, straight, lofted landing just off the green with a severe downhill for my bogey chip.
  10. I chipped using my 60 degree, saw it land, saw it track. My best chip of the day. It looked to be in the hole but last minute turned, careen off the lip and settling 4 feet away from the cup.
  11. I needed to hit a measly 4 footer to salvage some pride and I’ve been hitting this all day with my eyes closed.
  12. As the case for nearly every hacker in a similar position of a must make putt: I came up tentative and short, settling for a humiliating triple on the final hole, and a 92 overall. Bah.

Conclusion

So ends the Saujana experience. I was hoping this would enter the mythical Gilagolf status of DAGTH (Died and Gone to Heaven) category, but it falls short due to several reasons as stated. Still, it was a good round of golf overall, which could have been better. The course obviously has a lot of things going for it. If someone pays for you or you have extra money to spare, then Saujana – Bunga Raya course is a great place to go. The wide fairways are super friendly to a crazy driver like me. It doesn’t limit your game with stupid OB stakes like Nilai Springs or KRTU or Seremban 3. It’s a man’s course, so you’re gonna make sure your driver is working well, or you’re not gonna regulation a lot of holes. The course, with its contour changes is also superbly designed with a few holes requiring placement and thinking and not just smashing. Definitely a must play!

The good: Travel is great and fast; the greens will test your resolve not to smash your putter to pieces; the rough is a heck of an experience; overall aesthetics is very attractive, with contours and elevations for a different experience every hole; last hole on both 9s a great experience.

The bad: Crazy pricing designed to force you to mortgage your home; fairways are not exactly up to par (pun intended obviously); caddies are a little annoying if you get the wrong ones; GPS is aesthetically nice but functionally too advanced for stone age hackers like us.

The skinny: 30 of 40 divots (75%). Anything with the name Saujana in front would be a good experience. Even with the fairways far from perfect, Saujana – Bunga Raya course manages to come in third in the Gila Meter behind Palm and Datai. A definite “play” for this course!

Saujana – Bunga Raya Score Card

Saujana GCC Information

Address:

Saujana Golf And Country Club
P.O. Box 8148, Kelana Jaya,
46783 Petaling Jaya,
Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia

Contact: +603-78461466

Fax: +603-78467818

Email: golf@saujana.com.my

Website: http://www.saujana.com.my/

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Kelab Rekreasi Tentera Udara (KRTU)

Introduction

In Malaysia, golf has apparently become so popular that universities have their own golf clubs (UPM, UniTen, UKM). We understand the need for this, since students, being naturally attention deficient, require as much distractions as possible from turning into rioters and revolutionaries who organize protests in the streets. Trust me, I know. I was a student before and I fantasize about marching down the street with a band of hooligans shouting slogans we don’t understand. It’s cool to be part of a revolution.

The peculiarity of golf also extends to our police and air force, the former having Titwangsa Golf Club and the royal air force having KRTU, which stands for Kelab Rekreasi Tentera Udara; i.e Air Force Recreational Club.

It kinda reminded me of when Golf was banned in England when it was being too much of a distraction for the queen’s army. Our Malaysian army is definitely not impressing anyone and will probably lose even to the Micapulga Pygmies of Southern Papua New Guinea in a face to face battle; but I’ll bet the farm that our air force can kick those pygmies’ butt when it comes to golf. Bring it on!!

Travel (1/5)

Any traveling that requires transiting through a trunk road through two kampungs on a single lane into a military base gets a 0 for us. Sure it’s not that far away, but trust me, when the jam starts, you feel like chewing your steering wheel into pieces. The road is riddled with potholes and when you do find yourself in the air base, you need to leave your IC at the checkpoint. After all, this is an air base, even though the only things I see flying here were a bunch of crows at the first tee. You can also employ the ‘ACCESS HAND METHOD’. When you come near the checkpoint, go faster and raise your hand as if to acknowledge that you are a member of the air force. I did just that and they raised the barricade and gave me back the ‘ACCESS HAND METHOD RESPONSE’, no matter that I was dressed in my golf attire and looked every bit the chinaman I am. This method is a failsafe way to get into any place in Malaysia, including the prime minister’s office (I haven’t tried that yet, but go ahead and it will work). Aside from that, traveling is a fat 0 for us because more than the distance, we hate, absolutely hate pothole filled, one lane trunk roads with traffic jam.

If you insist, here’s the directions and map. The map is not even specific, it’s to another company. But you get the idea: TUDM is where KRTU is, so head to TUDM!

To get to KRTU, head to the old Subang Airport, also known as Sultan Abdul Aziz Shah Airport, but nobody cares anyway. It’s just Subang airport to everyone. If you don’t know how to get to Subang airport, you can either use the federal highway and head to Subang, Shah Alam and follow the nice airport sign (it has an aeroplane symbol on it). If coming from NKVE, turn off at the Subang toll, stay right and follow the aeroplance symbol sign.

You’ll hit the big subang airport roundabout. Take a 12 and now drive all the way, following signs to Kampung Baru Subang, Monterez. You’ll be on that accursed trunk road, with the runway on the left. At the Traffic lights, turn left, following the blue TUDM sign and you will be in Kampung Seri Subang. You will hit a T junction where right will lead you to Monterez, and left will lead you to TUDM. Go for TUDM (although after this review, you’ll wish you went right instead). Go all the way to the end of the road you you will be in the air force base. Once inside (either by giving your IC or hand access method), drive following the road and you’ll soon see KRTU in front of you.

Price (1/5)

On a weekday, I forked out RM88 to play in KRTU. I was walk in, while others paid about RM35. RM88 is only RM2 shy of playing in Palm garden using AGN. Why am I subjecting myself to such humiliation to pay so much on a course that looks like my grandma’s backyard?

RM88 is overpriced for a weekday walkin. I mean, I know they need to upgrade their planes, but what in heavens name do you think you can achieve charging citizens of this beloved country (whose taxes pays for this course anyway) RM88? I don’t agree with the pricing, they should slash it to RM60 or below, like UPM. Face it, ain’t nobody is going to dream of playing in KRTU if they had a chance.

First thoughts

The moment I drove up, one thought came to my mind. It looks an awful lot like UPM. And KRPM. Both these courses are crap hard to play on. These are courses that are not pretty, like a 200 pound woman with moustache who is bent on pounding you into submission. UPM’s saving grace was the green; KRPM saving grace was the maintenance and the layout. We have yet to see what saves KRTU.

I was actually pretty confident coming into this game. I just blistered Kinrara with an 83 (which could have been a whole lot better if I didn’t screw up a couple of putts), and I thought I should be able to navigate fairly well around this KRTU course, although I know about its OB palm oil trees and undulating greens. I was hitting my irons good enough to clock in 87 in my previous 3 rounds. I’ve finally got golf all figured out. It’s an easy game. Time to break 80 and turn pro.

Ah, the demise of illusions. Golf mercilessly annihilates these wonderful, beautiful illusions.

Service (2/5)

The ladies at the counters took so long to sort our 3 flights out, I mentioned to her that I was going to grow a beard. Which took considerable time, since it’s faster for a snail to learn how to dance cha-cha than for a Chinese to grow a beard.We were getting a little peeved at the service, but everything was forgiven when I ate the nasi lemak at the cafeteria. It’s one of the best nasi lemak in the world. They gave us salted fish, a big one and you can add sambal as well. Mama mia!

Surprisingly, I expected the club house to be some kind of patched hut made out of cow dung, but these air force boys apparently has a whole lot more class than those fellows at UPM, Selesa Hills and Kundang Lakes. The shower room was quite nice and well kept, and the club house definitely was like a normal golf club house…which makes me wonder what these fly boys are doing with our tax money…

Officer: Shall we spend our 2008 budget on the newly developed guided missile for our air craft?

Commanding Officer: Nah, let’s go with a larger pro shop and more shower units for our golfers, hey?

Officer & Commanding Officer: Malaysia Boleh! (which translates, Malaysia Can!)

Fairways (1/5)

We caught KRTU after a heavy downpour and man, it shows. You know some clubs can really hold well to rain (Tiara Melaka comes to mind) and some just completely fails the GilaGolf Rain Test, which consist of having God pour out tons and tons of rain down on the tested course. This is the difference between KRPM and KRTU. While KRPM retained some semblance of pride, KRTU is degenerated into one big mushy piece of crap. The fairways were completely submerged and in one hole, where thankfully my drive landed on dry land, the grass was so bare I thought I was playing off a gigantic divot. I rarely want to blame the course for playing like a dingbat drunk with JDs, but when the rain came beating down on us on hole 15th, I kinda knew this wasn’t going to be the day I turn pro.

Greens (3/5)

One of the features of KRTU are the extreme undulation of the greens. They make putting akin to pulling out your fingernails with a clamp. And chipping is like sitting on top of a thousand rusted nails heated with acid. One hole, I was just off the green and, level with the pin, and chipped almost 90 degrees from the pin. Not enough. It caught the slope and rolled down, down and off the green.

We kinda liked it. Not that we’re sadists, but it makes reading the greens a lot of fun, a lot of challenge. Plus, watching Augusta this weekend, we can kinda pretend we’re putting on Augusta a bit. However, as one of my flightmate put simply: The closest resemblance to Augusta we can play at our level is AlorStar…and that too requires an inhuman drive up north.

The greens weren’t in super shape; the rain has softened it considerably and it wasn’t very well kept. But you can’t beat the undulations, right, so if there’s EVER going to be a chance we ever come back here, it would be for the greens.

Rough (2/5)

The rough is definitely not easy. And it’s a killer. My playing partner drove well on the 10th, then hit a good second shot that veered just slightly to the right. Bye bye. It landed inside a giant bush. I completely made a mess out of my par 4s and par 5s, escalating my strokes more and more, trying to muscle my way out of the rough. Forget it. Once in the rough, pick a spot and take your medicine. The narrow alleyways they call fairways don’t help either. I avoided water mostly and just hit the bunker once, but it was enough to know it wasn’t well maintained. Long grass also swallowed up our balls, and once your ball is plugged in the rough, it’s plugged. Your balls are mashed potatoes. Golfballs, that is. I almost snapped my 9 iron a’la Tiger in last year’s Augusta when I hit my second on the 9th and my shaft collided with a coconut tree. What’s a coconut tree doing there? Also I strained my back when I leapt across a stream searching for my ball. I gotta remind myself my bones ain’t young anymore. I blame it on the rough for that.

Aesthetics (3/5)

Strange as it may sound, KRTU is actually quite a picturesque course. Sure, we’ve got like a million palm oil trees all round the course, but I’ll grant it one thing. They make par 3s very well, especially the picturesque 7th, playing to an island green like TPC Sawgrass 17th. I think you probably know by now that we make random references to famous courses and holes as if we’ve played them before. Of course we have, in our mind. I also beat Tiger 3 and 1 in my mind and dated Diane Lane before. Any more questions?

Back to aesthetics: Especially on the second nine, the undulation provides some stunning tee shots, such as the intimidating 10th. I think in this sense it reminded me of UPM. Whether it deserves another shot, well, it would take a lot more than pretty par 3s to drag us back, I assure you.

Fun Factor (2/5)

Not to say anything about my 9-iron vs tree trunk episode, or my strained back, I don’t think we had a whole load of fun in KRTU. The putts brought some excitement back, but with the rain, and with the course conditions, especially the poor shape of the fairways, it’s difficult to remain positive. My game was affected by this, to be sure, but also, my deciding to play like a Andulician goatherd didn’t serve the cause. I had some super chances to nail my score down, but I duffed my 7, duffed my 6, duffed my 22 degrees. I’d like to think the soggy ground played a part, but my swing was just too steep and completely dug into the soft ground. I could have changed my method, but heck, who do you think I am? I’m just a hacker that keeps doing the same thing expecting a different result, otherwise known as being insane. Also, the cross wind and rain that poured down at 17th brought us an imaginary Carnoustie, another meaningless reference. And we obviously have imaginary games to go with Carnoustie.

I managed, however to par all my par 3 holes, something I haven’t done in a long while. That was the only saving grace for me.

Conclusion

I wish I played better than my 95, my worst score since Berjaya Hills in December, so that when I make conclusions, you wouldn’t think I’m whining like a sore loser. The plain fact is that I sucked. I made way too many mistakes on this course. I let 83 get into my head. I thought golf was tamed, figured out, but just when you think that, this game kills you off. Why do we still subject our egos to such a mauling like this??!? Golf is so demoralizing, isn’t it? It really makes a monkey out of us.

The good: The greens. KRTU greens are definitely worth trying out, not the maintenance but for the different undulations; great great Nasi Lemak; interesting looking par 3s.

The bad: Travel is an experience reserved for the mad people; fairways are muddy and wet and fails the GilaGolf rain test (conducted by God); service is very third world; course is a little repetitve after a while; not easy for the everyday hacker due to length and massive amounts of OBs.

The skinny: 15 of 40 divots (37.5%). We won’t recommend KRTU, but neither are we discounting it out forever. The greens are still good enough to visit, as are the Par 3s. But find another course if you want a fun round, this is not a course you want to bring a crooked swing to. Or a sprained back.

KRTU Score Card

KRTU Information

Address:

Pengkalan Udara TUDM, Subang, 40000 Shah Alam, Selangor.

Contact: +603-78467170

Fax: +603-78464415

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Bukit Jalil Golf & Country Resort

Introduction

Bukit Jalil Golf & Country Resort has a reputation. I’m not sure whether it’s a myth or not, so it might not be entire true, but there were stories abounding on how in a fit of rage (probably after losing a big bet), a golfer bashed another golfer to death on this golf course. I’m not sure whether it adds to its notoriety, but I recall my last experience in Bukit Jalil was not a great one. Then again, as in KGPA, I was just starting out in golf and was a complete hacker in the game, to be fair to the course.

I was invited once again to play there, so armed with our trusty GilaCam, I went.

Travel (3/5)

The club is not too out of the way. You can either come from the LDP from PJ. Pass the Sunway toll and head straight to TPM (Technology Park Malaysia). You will go past Kinrara on the Bukit Jalil highway (which is just a narrow trunk road jammed like a monkey’s artery), and soon reach a traffic light. At the lights, take a left and about 100 m up the road, a right turn into the club. You can also come in from the Sg Besi highway. Make a turn to the Bukit Jalil National Sports Complex and head towards TPM. Turn right at the TPM entrance and you will be on the other side of the trunk road. Look for the traffic light that enables you to turn right. After that right, 100m, you will see a right turn.

bukitjalilmap.jpg

Yet another way is from KL Old Klang Road. Just head towards OUG (overseas union garden). Opposite the mall, there is a right turn traffic lights. Take it and go straight ALL THE WAY. This is a new road and you will eventually end up on the road where you need to take a left into Bukit Jalil golf course.

It gets a 3 because no matter which road you use, you will be jammed like crazy, unless you get the early morning flights….and by the time you’re done, you’re still jammed up. For some reason, that whole area seems to have 3-4 times the amount of people the infra can allow for.

bukitjalil_map.jpg

Price (3/5)

I played a weekday, and it cost me RM70 for walk in, no food included. Now this is by no means steep, it’s quite reasonable, especially if you take into account that it’s a fairly centralized course, where people from KL, PJ can access (which is also bad, as you will see later). Whether RM70 is worth it for this course, well, I’d say it’s not. It should be priced a little lower if it’s based strictly on features. But as location is everything, I’d say it’s quite reasonable.

First thoughts

The first thing I usually do is check the website, not to get information (since we have concluded golf websites are bloody useless in giving REAL information about the course), but to have a good laugh. I don’t know who they get to write these lines:

‘Impressive… This is one word that aptly describes the Bukit Jalil Golf & Country Resort.

There is a general air of calmness at the BJGCR. The warmth is immediate as you step into the lobby area. The gentle breeze that blows from the green field caresses your skin as you sip your morning coffee at the “open-air” golfer’s lounge.

The 18-hole golf course, designed by renowned Australian designer Mr.Max Wexler, offers golfers a real challenge at hole No.18. Golfers call it a ‘real test of one’s swing’.’

I really would like to point out the part where it says it caresses my skin as I sip my morning coffee at the “open air” golfer’s lounge. Usually anything in quotes means the writer is attempting a joke, or being sarcastic, or just being ignorant about the use of quotes. First of all, the lounge is not open air. It just overlooks the golf course. This is consistent with 99.99% of golf clubs in the world.

Second of all, I wish they would not use the word caress without referring to a beautiful woman doing the caressing. It’s just wrong to have another thing caress you.

Third, the Milo I ‘sipped’ cost me RM4.90. For a glass. I could purchase a small tin of Milo, go back into the kitchen and make milo for 20-30 people, and still bring home some for my dog.

Fourth, it took aeons for my Milo to appear. I mean how long does it take to make a cup of milo? 20 minutes? Come on! Are we grinding cocoa at the back or what?

And I dare, double dare anyone who actually uses the phrase ‘real test of one’s swing’ in conversation. Can you imagine two contractors lining up for the 18th going:

Contractor 1: Well, here we are at the 18th.

Contractor 2: Jolly good old boy. It certainly is a real test of one’s swing! I can’t wait to sip some coffee and have the wind caress my skin again.

Nobody talks like that. A more realistic conversation would be:

Contractor 1: Aiyaaaa, %^&##&, @#$&%*($ 17th hole should have par! Now we’re at this &#*$&$^ 18th.

Contractor 2: #&$^!!!! #^$&#^$ #*#(@*#& @#(*$! #*$&#*. @#$*#& #*$#&$ !@$%*%! Correct or not??

Contractor 1: #$#^&$# #&$##&^ )_)#@$@#*($&@#*(@# *@(#&$@##@$!!!!

I know these are all marketing speak and they need to write like this. But ‘caress your skin’? Come on, stop it!

Service (0/5)

This club’s service is pathetic. First, the aforementioned milo with it’s pricing of mythical proportions. For lunch, we had the same experience. It took so long for my noodle to appear, I went to shower and dress up. When I came out, a good 40 minutes after ordering, they only just arrived with my food. Now, I know Tropicana was as bad, but that was serving a full house. Here, we only had one more table aside from us patronizing this place. And they only had two people at that table. In fact, they weren’t even eating, just drinking!!

The price here is absolutely cut throat. NEVER order any drinks, order only plain water (which they take from the tap no doubt). Any glass will cost you RM5 upwards. Because I wasn’t eating meat for the meantime, I ordered my noodles with only vege. I asked them to add vegetables (to replace the meat). Instead, I got nothing. Just 3 strands of vegetables and noodles and they still charged me RM9 for the small plate.

Again, if you think this has nothing to do with golf, welcome to Malaysia. Food is the primary base for everything, so if the food experience is crap, the golfing experience is crap. I’m sorry, we cannot divorce them from each other.

In fact they suck so bad that when we asked for the bill, nobody would come with it, until we shouted a few times. Are they deaf or just money phobic?

To top it all, if you want a locker, you need to put a deposit. Normal right? Yeah, usually RM10 or RM20 would be enough. Here in Bukit Jalil, you need to cough up RM50 for the deposit.

And the towel stinks! Come on! For RM50, I expect a glass of wine and an attendant to hand me my towel. Well, maybe not the second part, but RM50? Pfft.

Fairways (1/5)

Ouch. The fairway gets hit bad because there is just no letting up on the course. There are only 18 holes, and the amount of traffic here even on a weekday is crazy. Most of the people walk in the morning, and although buggy is on track, some idiot golfer has gone in and messed up the fairway as well. This is probably the same murderous golfer who whacked his playing partner to death.

Aside from that, it didn’t hold up well after yesterday’s downpour. Plug balls, dirt, casual water, the works. Also, although Bermuda, I just don’t feel comfortable hitting from it. They have tufts of grass and you can see the bare dirt beneath. It’s like playing on a balding guy with a comb over. You know, those guys who are thinning at the top, so they grow their sides so they can mop up the side to the top. It’s weird. If I were to bald (which most likely I will, thanks to my genes), I’ll just shave bald. I rather look like a Buddhist monk than have that combover. If it’s gone, it’s gone. Life’s tough. Hopefully, I’ll be married by then and no longer need to impress anyone anymore. Same thing here for the golf course. You know there aint much there, so they try to spread the grass. You fat your shot and you’ll be splashing dirt all over.

Greens (3/5)

I can’t really make of the greens. From the outside, it really looks like crap. Sandy, bald patches all around. But every shot I hit with a reasonable trajectory, it held it like a beaver biting a tree. The Par 5 11th where I was lying 140 meters and I hit my 8 iron, it landed, hop once and bit, 4 feet away for a par. Likewise, the par 3 14th where I hit a 9 iron to 3 feet (and missed the darn birdie), and the par 5 17th where my 6 iron held the green, and I proceeded to 3 putt for bogey. If not for my retarded putting, I would have just be 2 over for the second 9.

I’m giving the greens a good score here. It’s not the best, although the ball bit it with a vengeance, those patches really make a darn mess out of my already messed up putting.

Rough (1/5)

Now I know what this course reminds me of. The horrific Berjaya Hills course. A quick check revealed the problem. This was yet another Berjaya project, i.e a junk. Berjaya in Malay translates to Succeed in English. It doesn’t really say succeeding in what though, so I guess it succeeds in making golf courses that suck. Bravo!

Lalang all around. We’ve established long ago that lalang is bad. It’s too long to actually play your ball if you do find it, and you are probably hitting a King Cobra’s egg anyway and likely to be stung to death after that by that king cobra. The rough is just reminiscent of our adventure in Berjaya Hills. Hit the ball in there and it disappears into oblivion. What I detest are bunkers that are full of rocks, since it scratches my clubs. Nobody scratches my clubs but me! When I tomahawk it, yes, then it deserves to be tomahawked for producing a crap shot. But scratched for getting me out of the bunker?? My poor clubs!

Bad, bad rough.

Aesthetics (2/5)

Here’s the deal. After a while, probably as we were in the middle of the second nine, I was wondering if we were going around in circles, and some monkey is just replacing the hole signs with a different number. Because ALL the holes play, feel and look the same! It’s tee off, on the left OB, right is hazard. Oh, carry a hazard as well. Ok, another one. OB left, right hazard. Another carry. The fairways are ample enough to go with the driver without constipating it ( a term that gives the 4 courses-Nilai Springs, Nameless Course in Seremban 3, Monterez and Seri Selangor-the name, “Constipated Courses of Malaysia”).

Even the signature hole, the 18th with a 185m carry of the water is played ho-hum. In fact, I drove it so far, I almost OBed myself past the fairway, past the buggy track, almost past the OB line at the rough. It could be tough nut for a person without a carry of 190-200m, in that case, just lay it up short.

Some courses have tall pine trees or refreshing, grand, leafy trees surrounding the green, the holes, the tee off. Like in Melaka, where it is really cooling and ‘green’. Bukit Jalil have similar features. Just replace those pine or leafy trees with condominiums. It’s like condominiums being developed or already developed staring down at us in every hole! It gives the course a claustrophobic feeling, and golf courses without the ‘open’ness isn’t really a golf course at all.

Bukit Jalil is definitely not a pretty course at all.

Fun Factor (2/5)

Not many of us had fun. I started the day double bogeying my first three holes before getting a grip of myself on the back 9 and flush in some good shots here and there. I played reasonably well after a week plus lay off, but everyone felt a little lethargic. I guess it’s the fact that each hole plays almost the same, looks the same and soon, even smell the same.

The 18th is still a nice hole to end with, I admit, but it’s not something we haven’t seen before. The snaky Par 5 Hole 9 is probably a better hole to end with, since it’s really narrow, and really snaky. I know this isn’t a great description, but hey, we’re hackers. If you like description, get the guy who writes about being caressed by the wind.

But aside from that, all the Par 3s were neither here nor there and no, I can’t say it was extremely fun at all.

Conclusion

Bukit Jalil is a course you will probably play and forget about it completely afterwards. Each hole has similar characteristics, and I don’t know if it’s just Berjaya’s way of doing things, they really really really suck at maintaining a course. Avoid this course if possible, but because of it’s close proximity to PJ and KL, you will likely find yourself on it sooner or later. Whatever you do, avoid the F&B area, and go somewhere else for your nutrition.

The good: Traveling is easy and fast, if you avoid the massive jams; these greens look like crap but really plays well; a couple of nice holes like the 9th and 18th.

The bad: Possibly the worst service F&B in Malaysia; fairways are like crap; rough and bunkers are no better; every hole is like the same, it’s like we’re all caught in a loop; aesthetics is just lacking, with so many condominiums and high raise spoiling the skyline.

The skinny: 15 of 40 divots (37.5%). It’s a no go for Bukit Jalil. As a golf course, it lacks character and maintenance, except for the greens. Don’t expect to be sipping your coffee (the lousy service will prevent that) or get caressed by the wind (the condominiums will prevent that). Get golf, coffee and caressing elsewhere!

Bukit Jalil Score Card

bukitjalil.jpg

Bukit Jalil Information

Address:

Jalan 3/155B
Bukit Jalil 57000 ,Kuala Lumpur

Contact: +603-89941600

Fax: +603-89941542

Website: http://www.berjayaclubs.com/jalil/index.cfm

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Kelab Golf Perkhidmatan Awam (KGPA)

Introduction

Kelab Golf Perkhidmatan Awam (KGPA) stands for Public Service Golf Club in Malay. Which doesn’t sound impressive in any language. It also has the distinction of being voted ‘The Most Difficult Course in Malaysia for 3 consecutive years’. I don’t really know how does this attract golfers to it as an advertisement, but I suppose due to the egoistical nature of golfers, we’d like to declare, “Yes, I played in the most difficult course in Malaysia for 3 consecutive years.” It’s like saying, yes, I was in the largest aeroplane disaster in recent history, and hope the girls go fawning over you like some long lost hero. Unfortunately (or fortunately), most fantasies of golfers never come true. However, my last experience with KGPA was as a young golfer, bright eyed, just new to the game, complete innocent of golf’s treacherous nature.

I recall being completely demoralized and destroyed by this course, to a point that I never wanted to pick up a club ever again. The ball kept getting plugged and lost, and I kept hitting my balls out of bounds. It was the most humiliating experience of my life (aside from the time I smacked a girl on her head thinking she was my friend only to find her a complete stranger, and completely pissed with my antics). KGPA took away my innocence, and from that day onwards, golf and me became adversaries, and the game became a war that was won and lost by both sides. I went away knowing that the game was merciless. I went away, learning the golf held no prisoners and gave no quarters.

Well, I’m back.

Travel (5/5)

Say what you like about this category, but any golf courses located in PJ gets an automatic 5. KGPA should get a 10 but it’s not possible to give anything more than 5 (although very possible to get a negative, as some courses have found out!). I routinely head over to KGPA to the driving range since my place is only 5 minutes drive, and I used to work opposite the course and would steal away during lunch to bash balls.

Head to the Damansara Highway on the way to KL/Bangsar. Before seeing Siemens/East Inn building on the right (if you are coming from PJ), stay left, do not go over the flyover. At the traffic light, simply turn left into the club.

If you are coming from KL/Bangsar, it’s a little trickier. After passing Bangsar, you need to stay left and go down the turnoff to Mount Kiara/Sri Hartamas. Do not take the flyover! At the lights, do not turn right to Mount Kiara, simply go straight and you will eventually see Siemens in front of you. At the lights, turn right under the bridge and you will see the road leading up to KGPA.

kgpa.jpg

Price (2/5)

We played on a Saturday afternoon, and even with AGN, it cost us RM120, since it forces us to take a caddy. For non AGN, it’s only about RM125 due to a promotion, but in anycase, it’s still pretty steep for a cow grass course that so far, didn’t sound very impressive. Granted, it was a weekend and probably a peak period so we’re willing to overlook it and give it an ok rating, due to its promotion for walk in golfers. Of course, we saved up on the fuel to get here. But having a caddy forced on us is never a good thing.

First thoughts

I will say this and get it over with: I was impressed with the course. The first hole of the Hill Course was a magnificent elevated view staring down into the generous fairway (which I promptly missed), before going up again to a small green. I don’t recall playing this hole years ago, which goes to show our adage is true: On a course with 3 nines, avoid the 3rd nine (in this case, the Forest Nine). Play Hill and Lake nine, and you won’t regret it. Especially Hill, it offers significant elevation changes that allows you to see the vastness of the course. The Forest nine is mainly for walkers, and I remember playing there and sucking really bad. So, the other adage, “Avoid playing where you really suck bad” comes into play. Follow these rules and life will be beautiful.

Service (2/5)

The forced caddy did a good job. She couldn’t find my first ball (which I found myself) but she was initiated to help out the weaker players in our flight. She ran around, cleaning our clubs and marking our balls. What I liked about her was that she actually, at the end of everything, placed my clubs exactly the way I started: 4 woods in the first compartment; 5,6,7 in another compartment, 8,9,P in another; Sand and Approach in another; and my 48 and 60 degree together. My putter takes one whole compartment. I know, I have two Pitching Wedges in there, but I use my Cleveland CG10 48 only for chipping and nothing else. And yes, I know I have 15 clubs in there and the limit is 14 for golf. Tell me, do you take proper drops? Do you penalize yourself properly? Did you ever remove the tuft of grass behind your ball? Hey, we’re hackers, so these rules only apply when we’re in an anal mode. For today, we could take 25 clubs into the bag for all I care!

The only downside to KGPA is not really related to the golf game we had. Having visited the range for so long, I’ve come to observe the service given in the driving range is completely crap. The guy selling the ball looks as if he will gut you with a rusted blade for asking him to bring the balls. They scold you for playing with an untuck shirt, as if it would distract them when they see our belly buttons as we make a full swing. And the club pro-who calls himself Master Instructor-is just a guy who sits around and chats with his other friends, while yelling across the range to his students, “OK, you’re doing well!” when they have just swung their club farther than the ball. Come on. Show a little dedication and at least make a show of taking pictures and analyzing the swing, even if your camera is a plastic container for food and your computer software is actually a static wallpaper. At least.

Finally, one of my flight mates quit this club some time ago and when he requested for the form to quit, the secretary told him he needs to write a letter himself. It’s very much Malaysian Government style, where they slow things so much, it would be the second coming before anything actually gets done. Ladened with bureaucracy and red tape, you probably need to fill up a form and a questionnaire before you can flush the toilet.

Fairways (3/5)

Finally, on to some golf. From my last experience, I was expecting the fairways to be less than average condition but to my surprise, even from the first tee shot, the whole courses’ demeanor seems to have been altered. I think the management really spent on maintenance, having conditioned the fairways so well, we never experienced a plug ball, except once, near the green on the 17th Par 5. Granted, we were playing under the hot sun, but the course wasn’t overly dry as well. I’ve seen courses like Nilai Springs and Seri Selangor completely flunking the ‘too dry fairway’ test, where underneath the grass was just dirt. Not sand, but hard dirt. Here in KGPA, a nice divot can be taken without any worries of skulling the ball if you hit it fat. Your ball will just trickle 20 meters way but at least it’s not a skull!

Another thing about the fairways here is that even though some holes are long, because of the undulation and elevation, the ball can really roll if it hits a slope. I experienced it on the 3rd hole where a tee shot that cut the dogleg found me 20 meters away from the flag, a 300 meters monster drive. I proceeded to bogey it after some stupid play. On the 10th, again, I blasted the ball to about 40-50 meters on a 350 meters par 4. This time I parred it. It wasn’t because I was an extremely long player but it caught the slope and it rolled and rolled.

Greens (3/5)

The greens were also well conditioned; not superb like Impian but you need to understand where this course was before (i.e crappy) to what it is now (playable and rather nice) to fully appreciate the improvements done by the management. Bravo, KGPA!

If you can get your ball to hold the greens (which are a mixture of large and small, rolling and flat), you have a chance to make your birds and pars.

Rough (4/5)

I landed in the sand a few times and for a club seeing so much traffic, the sand is in great, great conditions. It’s the type that when you explode out of the bunker, your entire view is covered with fluffy white sand, and you can turn your head away in disgust as if something entered your eye. Tiger Woods moment! Yeah!

What makes the course so tough that it should be named the toughest in Malaysia, would be the rough. Hill has more jungle OB (which is bad) and Lake has more, well lakes. Which isn’t so bad unless you land in one. I witnessed an amazing feat in the second hole where one of my playing partners hit a tree in almost every shot he made, i.e he ended with a 10. I found myself in deep rough and couldn’t hack myself out of it as well.

Aesthetics (3/5)

Halfway through the round I turned to my playing partner and said, “Do you regret giving up the membership?”

“A little.” He responded and noted that he has not played here in like years, since he has a Tropicana membership.

KGPA, despite its completely unmarketable name , succeeds in enticing us, not so much with beauty but with features. There’s a difference. There’s the kind of girl you meet at the bar and she really looks hot. All the guys want to buy her a drink, she looks fabulous in a red dress, and even though you suspect her eyelashes are fake, you don’t really care, since the lights are dim and you are on booze anyway. You give her your number and you tell her, let’s meet up for breakfast the next day. When the next day comes, you find out, yes, she’s still pretty, but all she can talk about is herself, her eyelashes and whether red looks better than blue, as finger polish. At the end of the one hour conversation, you feel like strangling her with your belt and throwing her off the cliff. That’s Selesa, Frasers and Berjaya Hills. KGPA is like the girl who quietly and diligently does her job; respects her parents, get on fabulously with your mom, and takes care of you when you are sick. Sure, she might not be hot, but she can really cook darn well and she’s as stable as rock.

KGPA offers a lot of features. From the rolling fairways to the elevated greens and tees, each hole is like an adventure, am exciting proposition. The Par 3s especially are superb. The Hill nine boast of 3 par 5s and 3 par 3s, the 7th and 8th being 174 and 194 meters respectively. The 8th is certainly the signature hole, and many rounds have been torn to shreds by this monster. Make the turn and you see another set of par 3s, a 176 meter carry over water and a 150 meter over a deep gorge, absolutely wonderful to play.

This course, while lacking in aesthetics, makes up for it in character. Unfortunately we don’t have a section for character, so we’ll make it up by giving it a higher…FUN FACTOR!!

Fun Factor (3/5)

A few of our hackers were struggling with the course. Lost balls, OB rough took their toll on them and playing the Hill Nine was just a harrowing experience for a lot of us. It’s simply because if you miss the ball right, for instance, you need to trek up this mountain to get to your ball. We’re not exactly the specimen of athleticism in our hey days, and right now, we’re likely a good competitor for the Madagascar Molass (again, we have no idea what’s a molass, but they sound really slow). In fact, one from my group ended up just puffing cigarettes one after another and refuse to speak to anyone, smoke coming out his ears and mouth. When we made the turn, our game also made the turn, (at least mine did), and on the easier Lake Nine, I scored 5 over 41. This included a missed 3 footer for bogey on the par 5 12th, after a great flop from 30 meters on the other tee box. My game came back in time and I managed to play to my handicap with an 88. It was a great feeling, especially for me, to come back after my first experience and win the battle with the course.

If I sound like I am marketing myself, that’s because I am. I don’t usually have good games so when I do, I’d like to blow my own trumpet a bit since I know it’s not going to last long…at least to the next game, when I would probably blow up with a 100 and chew on my putter grip again. Ah, how success so quickly leads to failure. Why do we even try??!

While the others might not have had so much success with the course, we’re willing to give it a 3, as it does have quite a fair bit of character.

Conclusion

KGPA has definitely moved up the ranks in our estimation. We came in here expecting a B-Grade course and we just chose it for the convenience. Fortunately, it was a lot better than what we expected and when I tapped in for Par on the last hole, we all looked at each other and nodded as if to indicate that we will be seeing this course again. While touted as the toughest course in Malaysia, I frankly found that it’s definitely negotiable by the longer hitter. In fact, I prefer this than constipated courses like Nilai Springs, Monterez and the stupid nameless Course in Seremban 3. KGPA is a pleasant surprise!

The good: Great location; course is full of character; well maintained greens and fairways; challenging rough; aesthetics, while lacking is made up with good features and design of holes.

The bad: Expensive, and probably not worth that much; service of caddy, while good, is offset by the facilities and not so masterful instructor; could be a tad bit difficult for the hacker.

The skinny: 25 of 40 divots (62.5%). KGPA is a go; but we caught it in great weather, so all things might change if the ground turns soggy. Don’t come running to Gilagolf with pitchforks if KGPA destroys your manhood as it once did mine!!

KGPA Score Card

kgpa_score1.jpg

KGPA Information

Address:

Bukit Kiara, Off Jalan Damansara
Peti Surat 1139, Jalan Pantai Baru,
59200 Kuala Lumpur.

Contact: +603-79573344

Fax: +603-79577821

Website: http://www.kgpagolf.com/

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Seri Selangor Golf Club

Introduction

Every golfer in Malaysia knows Seri Selangor. It doesn’t matter even if you’re not from Selangor, you just kinda know it, the same reason how a beginner golfer knows his drive will slice but have no way to figure out how to fix the dang thing. Likewise, knowing Seri Selangor is one thing. Playing it is altogether another beast.

It’s not easy. Or at least, my past recollection of it consist of bloated scores the size of a kangaroo giving birth: 96,98,100, on a course measuring about 6300 meters. The thing about Seri Selangor is this: it’s laid out like Monterez but has unforgiveness like Bukit Unggul. Really. I’ll be frank. Monterez’s experience is like driving your car in a cramp parking space, requiring lots of precision and accuracy. You go off line, and you’re in the rough, or in another fairway, or somebody’s tee. In Seri Selangor, you’re either in the jungle, in the jungle or wait, did that ball make it….nope, it’s in the jungle.

So to Seri Selangor we go, advertised as home to the homeless golfer. Or more appropriately, home to the golfers who enjoy torturing themselves and sitting in a hot stove for long periods of time.

Travel (5/5)

I’m going to give it a 5 here. Nothing beats a course with easy accessibility. OK, frankly, I’ll be honest, it depends on the time. You wake up at 5 am, you go anywhere, it’s a breeze, because the entire Malaysian population gets up at 7 am and hits the road approximately at 7:15am. Also, if you’re headed during weekends, hey, it’s a breeze. I’ll warn you though: The jam can be pretty bad if you’re headed there during peak hours. Afternoon flights during weekends is dangerous, and we recommend the journey using the old Tropicana ‘tunnel’ road. I.e head towards Damansara Toll, take the left to Tropicana before the toll, follow the road all the way. You will pass Tropicana (and you will sigh, wishing you are playing there instead), head straight till you hit a traffic light. Go straight, and about 1.5 KM there is a right turning going to Seri Selangor.

An alternative is to head towards Ikea/Ikano, past One Utama. Take the Ikea turnoff and go straight all the way. You pass through Mutiara Damansara and you will soon hit a cross junction traffic lights where you turn left, and voila you are there. Unless you are a sadist who loves Traffic Jams, please avoid all attempt to use this road during Saturday or Sunday noon time. It is jammed beyond recognition.

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Price (3/5)

We played on a weekday and I still ended up paying almost RM75 for Seri Selangor. It’s 60 for the game and buggy and all that; but they force you to take a caddie, so we need to split about RM30 for the caddie, plus the nonsensical culture of tipping the same caddie. I really must go to the caddie union and ask them about this tipping concept. Malaysians are stingy by nature. Malaysian Golfers are even worse. We will mentally calculate how the exchange rate, how bursa is doing, what furniture we need to buy for our homes, how much petrol cost, how much insurance premium, how much tax, how much bonus etc etc and we collectively agree that any sum more than 2 ringgit 40 sen is way too much to tip.

Yet, we still have to fake our generosity and give. Hey, I’m gonna lose a dozen balls on your course, so tell me again why do I need to give you anything?

So overall, it’s a mid range price but we forgive it a little because it’s close by, and it is very humble in advertising itself as the home for homeless golfers. Shouldn’t food be free like the Salvation Army for homeless golfers too?

First thoughts

We had two groups to tee off, and its automatically fun. I believe the more people you know , the more fun you derive from golf. That’s why when I play a course alone, I feel like stabbing myself with the scorecard pencil-incidentally, have you ever wondered how much money the company that produce the score card pencil makes?-but when there is a group or 2 groups, man the fun factor goes up.

So anyways, there were some slight improvement in my swing, I was coming into Seri Selangor pretty confident on the back of scores of 91,91,91,86 for my first 4 games in 2008. My first drive was a thing of splendour and rarity; a straight shot down the left side of the fairway, about 260 meters, leaving me about 90 to a 350m green. I parred the first hole and reconsidered my options. Parring the first hole generally means two things: either you’re in it for a great game, or your game decides to close shop for the day and you play like a walnut in a nutcracker. For some mysterious reasons, I NEVER take the first option. This is as mysterious as the concept of caddie tiping. I double bogeyed 5 of the next 7 holes after that. Bolocks!

Service (2/5)

Frankly, the caddie sucked. Sorry, usually even lousy caddies, like the one in Impian, give a show of interest in the games of the players. Seri Selangor caddies, for some reason, really, really are disappointing. Here’s why:

1) The one we got is flat out lazy. I don’t know whether I should poke her with a electric baton or not. Observe this in the future: A good caddie who takes care of 4 people in a flight should ALWAYS attach him/herself to the poorest player. It makes sense. If your primary job scope is to look for balls, the beginner who slices into the foliage obviously requires help. Why do you insist of staying in the buggy of the better player (I am so proud to say I am the better player…relatively speaking of course, I still suck) and make a show of cleaning his clubs?

Caddie=LOOK FOR BALLS. Cleaning clubs come later. It’s a secondary job scope. Now get into that jungle and search, darn it!!!

2) A lazy caddie also doesn’t offer any advice but concurs with everything you say. Is this uphill? Ah, betul la. Is this break left? Ah betul, la. Is this slow, fast? Ah, sikit laju la. Do you want me to strangle you with my ball towel? Ok la.

3) A lazy caddie is also the last to get out of the buggy, and it’s like we hired some molasses. Frankly I have no idea what the dickens is a molass, but it sounds like a slow creature, so like molass, these caddies drift in and out of the course in a world of their own.

4) Finally, take your tip and say thank you. My other flight was given the angry look from their caddy when they tipped her 30 RM. She refused to take the bags from the buggy and just walked off, believing she’s entitled to more. Ever watched A Few Good Men and the part where Jack Nicholson says to Tom Cruise? If it was me, I would have said this:

“Caddy, we live in a world that has courses, and those courses have to be played by men with clubs. Whose gonna do it? You? You, caddy in the other buggy? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for your tip, and you curse the golfers. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That our slices and hooks into the jungle, while tragic, probably saved the fairway conditions. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves the course conditions. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at the clubhouse, you want me on that course, you need me on that course. We use words like OB, free drops, FORE. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent mishiting balls. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a caddy who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very registration fee that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a 7 iron, and play a course. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!”

At this point, the caddy would ask us: “Did you give me only 30 ringgit?”

“I played the course…”

“Did you give me only 30 ringgit??!” she shrieks.

“You’re goddamn right I did!!”

img_fewgoodmen.jpg

And at this point the course marshals come and tells us to get off the course and never to come back to Seri Selangor again..

I give points to Seri Selangor, despite their caddies, for the quickness in which they gave me my Mee Mamak (I was in a rush). It took them only like 5 minutes, although it taste like rubber, it’s still very considerate of them to bump me up the queue.

Fairways (1/5)

There’s something very eerie about the fairway in Seri Selangor. From the tee box, you see a reasonably nice and green fairway enticing you to hit it. One thing about Seri Selangor that makes it the mother of all narrow courses, joining Monterez, Nilai Springs and Nameless course in Seremban as the Frightful Four (don’t you love these comic books names?). All the other courses has weaknesses to exploit, like Superman has kryptonite, Batman has Robin and Spiderman has Mary Jane. Monterez is short, the Par 3s are the frightful monsters but the par 5s can be reached for eagle; you can take a 5 wood to navigate it. Seremban 3, on a good weather, can play easier, we nearly died due to heat exhaustion and of course, Nilai Springs can be cut down with fairway hits and precise shots.

Seri Selangor, playing at 6266m is one of the longest courses we’ve played and the elevation on their par 4s don’t help much as well. The 10th hole is like threading needle to a pin and the 11th is likewise demanding. If you play safe with 3/5 wood, you have a far approach shot. If you bash it with your driver, your ball runs away into the forest as happened to me a few times.

And the fairway is sandy. The 17th played like a pile of dirt. The 18th is a dangerous Par 5 that can be reached in 2 but requires a good second shot that most likely ends up in the drink guarding the green.

For the other fairways that doesn’t look like they are sandy, they are. They have a very thin turf of grass on top, making you think you can take a nice divot. Once you hit it, your club slides under the sand and you end up lofting your silly ball 10 feet away. It’s deceiving so it’s paramount that you hit the ball first and not take a divot before. Play it like you’re playing from a sandtrap. For those of you who are thinking, “Sure, you’re supposed to do that anyway…”, well go to another review site for single handicappers and wise guys. This review is for the general hacker who struggles hitting the ball before the ground…viva le hackers!

Greens (4/5)

Ok, the greens. I HATE the greens. Hate it. Speed is about 8-9 on the dry day we played and it feels like we’re playing at Augusta, minus a million times the experience. What I’m saying is, we three putted, four putted our way into infamy. The greens were like rock. Granite rock. The last straw came on a par 4, where a perfect drive, and a perfect approach was stolen from me. I saw the ball hit the green and took such an amazing bounce, I couldn’t believe it. It was like I hit the buggy track! It went into the rough and we looked and looked and couple lousy rough with lousy caddie with lousy eyesight, I lost the DARN ball! And it was my titleist pro-V1x! Curse you, Seri Selangor!

Why am I still giving a 4? Well, it doesn’t mean that I hate it, it automatically gets a 0. I’m just saying the greens are darn tough. But at least they are consistent, well maintained and played slick. It offers a new experience than the easier greens that grab your balls and holds on to it. Golf balls, that is, what are you thinking? Goodness.

Rough (2/5)

The lost ball episode isn’t the fault of the greens which are played fast; the lost ball is due to the stupid rough. It’s muddy at places and leaves strewn around makes it extremely difficult to go around searching for a tiny white ball. I don’t see much maintenance on the rough, they like to advertise it as natural jungle and foliage but it’s just an excuse for them not to maintain it. Bunkers are only reasonably better.

Aesthetics (2/5)

Anyone who thinks Seri Selangor looks really good is like a village boy who never goes out to the other villages and other towns to see other girls. So he thinks the village maid in his village is the fairest of them all, even though she resembles a horse and is actually a man. No golfers in their sane mind would go, “Wow, Seri Selangor is such a beautiful course.” You most probably will get the resigned response: “Wah, damn hard la…” It’s something like UPM, not as woody though and offers some parallel fairways but with lesser elevation options. It’s just not beautiful, what can I say?

Fun Factor (3/5)

Of all review factors, I must say this one is the most subjective. I admit I was ready to destroy this course and never to step foot on it ever again when I lost my ball that landed on the green. It was that frustrating. I mean, I’m usually calm about these things but try to think of this: you hit a great shot and everyone sees you hit a great shot and when you walk up to the green, it ain’t there…you’ll flip!!

But golf is played over 18 holes. On the 9th hole, my drive flushed down the fairway almost 280 meters (well you count, it’s 390 m hole and I was a few meters way from the 100m marker). With my approach wedge, I hit to the right side of the green, opting not to challenge the bunker and the flag on the left. Actually, I have no idea about that, I just hit it, so it looks good that it looks like I intentionally hit the ‘fat’ side of the green. Cheh, wah, like real. Anyhoos, I saw the ball trickle left towards the flag but lost sight of it due to a mound that covered the hole from where I was. Another flightmate had hit on the green. As I approached the green, I saw one ball at the top of a rather steep contour that funneled down to the hole. I remember thinking, “How the heck did my ball stay up?”

I nearly marked that ball as mine then realize that it was my flight mate’s. So where the devil is my ball?!? Don’t tell me it rolled off into the blasted rough again! I was already in a tomahawk position with my wedge, and I plan to dig up the green in frustration.

Then I walked to the hole.

You know how in some par 3s you walk to the hole and you sort of tiptoe and peek into it instead of walking right up to it? It’s hope against hope that your ball is in there and it never is.

Imagine my reaction when I saw the beautiful logo of MAXFLI staring shyly back up at me from the hole. I’d imagine looking at my future baby when she comes out of my wife in the same manner (I obviously have not experience fatherhood, but please let me stay delusional). I shouted, screamed, whooped, did an Apache war dance around the green and pranced like an idiot calling down rain. It was like a ceremony. A 2 on a par 4! My third EAGLE, and my best!!

Strangely, my game improved after that and I played the back 9 at 7 over and broke 90 the first time on this course. What a difference an eagle makes.

Conclusion

Although it’s a course where people routinely curse and promise never to return, it has two pull factor: it’s easily accessible, and it’s a challenging course. I’ll be frank here, I don’t like Seri Selangor, never did. It never suited whatever miniscule amount of game I had. But you can’t fault the course. So if I were to detach my personal preference from the review, I’d say this is a course recommended. It has a superb location, reasonable pricing and a great , great 9th hole memory for me.

The good: Super accessibility; greens are slick and challenging; food is fast; price is reasonable; good training course for course management.

The bad: Crap rough and equally crap fairways; lousy and lazy caddies; not much of a looker; might be a wee bit long for the high handicap hacker

The skinny: 22 of 40 divots (55%). Due to its accessibility, it’s a recommended course, but make sure you bring lots of balls to tackle the toughest of the Frightful Four.

Seri Selangor Score Card

seriselangor.jpg

Seri Selangor Information

Address:

Persiaran Damansara Indah,
Off Persiaran Tropicana, Kota Damansara
Petaling Jaya 47410 Selangor

Contact: +603-78061111 / 1666

Fax: +603-78061777

Website: http://www.seriselangor.com.my/

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Tropicana Golf & Country Resort

Introduction

While I really doubt Gilagolf will ever be allowed to step foot into places like Sungai Long, Mines or Saujana (due to our irreverent way of describing and reviewing golf courses), another premier course entered our list, in addition to Clearwater, Palm Garden, Datai and KGNS. So far, no golf courses has reached the immortal status of the Gilameter, DAGTH (pronounced dak-the), short for Died and Gone to Heaven, the greatest accolade given to a course. The closest were Palm and Datai, falling just a point shy of the lower strata of DAGTH.

Enters Tropicana, a premier course, located in Petaling Jaya, considered one of the finest Malaysia has to offer in terms of course design and playability.

I’ve played there once before, and fared quite well, so when an invite came for us to have a go, we didn’t need to be asked twice.

Travel (5/5)

Immediately a 5. There’s no question asked. Prime spot, it took me only about 10 minutes to reach there. In fact, we would often go to the driving range to practice, so traveling is of no issue.

The easiest way there is to take the NKVE, headed to the Damansara toll. Right after the flyover to Bandar Utama, stay left and you’ll end up in the old road to Tropicana. From there, keep going straight, and turn right at the tee junction. You’ll go under a tunnel and right in front of you is the welcoming sight of the Tropicana archway. Beautiful.

Here’s a detailed map. Go ahead, click on it!

tropicana_map.jpg

Price (2/5)

Ah. This is where they lop of your head with an axe. Playing on a public holiday or weekends? Let’s skewer your throat over an open fire! RM190 for green fees. That’s the stab in your heart. RM25 for a twin sharing buggy (50 per buggy). That’s RM215 and a turn of the knife in your heart. Wait, there’s more. Just because we know you suck as a golfer, you’re forced to take a caddy at RM30. They’ve already taken out your heart with that. Lastly, you need to tip the darn caddie at least additional RM10, bringing your total to about RM230, RM240 over weekends. Don’t worry, we got a package!

At RM280!! We give you lunch and breakfast as well!

Who in the blue tarnation is going to be stupid enough to eat RM50 worth of food? Come on Tropicana, don’t be daft!!!

Did I pay that much? Nope. Someone was kind enough to bring me in for free, God bless his soul.

First thoughts

Morning dew covering the first tee, the sun peeking down on us, promising us a great day on a great course. Again, for goodness sakes, I pushed my tee shot right, but managed to recover for a one chip one putt for a par and we’re off.

First hole par means two things. One, you’re going to have one of your finest rounds ever. Two, you cannot take success and your subsequent holes will be filled with frustration and death. Guess which option I took?

The thing about playing on a public holiday is that the whole course gets jammed up. Tropicana, despite its premier status feels it more than the other courses like Rahman Putra. I don’t know why. Maybe too many rest stops is not good, because you get an idiotic uncle who wants to sit and eat.

Then, when you drive up, they quickly finish and run off to the tee box so they won’t let you through. In this way, we knew it was going to be long one.

Service (1/5)

You’d think a premier course like this would have great service right? Of course, everything expected is there; good maintenance, good facilities, easy check in. A small gripe is the loading area for golfers. We’re like sardines. There’s a small area where all the buggys are crammed into and all golfers jostle with each other like a market place. You’d think they come up with a smarter way to get golfers on the road. All it takes is one idiot who parks his buggy wrong and everyone is jammed up. It’s like the Malaysian highways who makes the roads so narrow despite having so much space. We just like our infrastructure and signs small and dainty you know.

My MAJOR gripe is the F&B. Sorry, if you say that food and beverages has nothing to do with the course, you tell the golfer who just crawled in at 12 noon looking for food and drink. You get him food and drink!!

My order took so long, I think my stomach gave up waiting and just started eating my own intestines. Serious. It took almost 45 minutes for my stupid Kueh teow to come.45 minutes! What’s up with the kitchen, man? An ominous 1, for a premier course, and gone with it hopes of being the first course with DAGTH status. Dang! Hurts me more than it hurts you, Tropicana. I thought you had a chance! Dang your service!

Fairways (5/5)

If you’re looking for a club who knows how to run their fairways, Trops gives the great lesson. I don’t believe I know of any other club offering such a great carpet of grass for us to hit from. It’s unfortunate I spent so little time on it. I hit a pathetic 4 fairways enroute to a 91, with 9 bogeys. But as the sun was shining down on the par 5 6th, it was just a brilliant picture to take. As the day wears on, the fairways got drier, firmer and it was just in superb condition. 5/5 definitely.

Greens (4/5)

Despite my par start, I had A LOT of problems with the greens. It wasn’t because they were slick or whatever, it was simply: what kind of speed is this? Some played fast, some slow, some medium: we just couldn’t get a grip on how to putt. I had 3 3 putts but it wasn’t the 3 putts that killed me. It was the missed par putts, when I was trying to get up and down. Statistically it’s 2 putts, but the short ones I missed for pars (at least 3) was enough to render me half crazy. I won’t say it’s entirely my fault for being a lousy putter, because the greens weren’t tip top as expected.

Rough (4/5)

I like the recovery options given by Trops. Now, it’s still a course that advocates OB (the mantra of the caddies are 50-50, boss). Amazingly, I don’t think I OBed any hole, although some were close. I struggled massively with my swing, trying to find the fairway but managed to pull myself together at the end for a good finish. If you’re not OBed, the recovery from bunkers and even the occasional water bank is possible. The bunkers are almost perfect except for a few holes that requires less bounce, more dig.

Aesthetics (4/5)

It’s very much like Palm, in a way it’s city pretty. That means that no matter how you look at the course, you know that it’s not exotic, it’s not filled with wildlife, it’s not natural. It’s like a beautiful English girl as opposed to a hot Latin woman. Both are beautiful; but the Latina like Catherine Zeta Jones or Jennifer Lopez are definitely a lot hotter than say, that chic that was in the Pirates of the Carribean. See, I can’t even remember her name. The one that looks like Winona Ryder. (Incidentally, what the heck happened to Winona Ryder?)

Memorable holes? For me, the 11th. Elevated tee box, my drive went almost 250m, soaring into the sky, seemingly never to fall back to earth. It’s also dangerous, because the 17th tee box is right at the 160-190m range for slicers. We almost killed a group there, our ball landing smack at where they were teeing off. An old white guy dressed in black, a’la Gary Player just stared at us, his face twisted in a frown even after I apologized. Get over it, old feller. Golf’s gonna be like this in our part of town. Or perhaps he’s just in a permanent catatonic stasis that sometimes people that age go into. Eat your vitamins while you’re young, little golfers!

Other than that, Hole 1 is a beautiful opening hole as well, requiring a carry and a lake on the left. The Par 3s are a little dull though, very much like Palm’s problem, so no perfect score here for Trops.

Fun Factor (4/5)

Struggling as massively as I was, it was hard to find fun. My putting was just tremendously off, at one time going 7 straight bogeys, missing a string of sitters that would have given me a whole lot of better score, and a prettier scorecard.

However things came together after missing another sitter on the 16th. A 12 footer curved in for par on the 17th and I yanked my tee shot so far left, it was flirting with OB. Just a foot away from OB, I was contemplating whether to go through the trees or punch out. At that point, I have already lost the little betting game we were having. Contrary to your expectations, I went the safe route and punched out to 130 – 135 meters to the flag.

Using my 9 iron, I stuffed the purest shot of the day. It started right and drew a little back in. It landed and practically danced around the hole before settling 15 inches from the cup. If there was a time where you want to shout ‘Get in the HOLE!’ This would have been the best time.

I started with a par, ended with a birdie. If we just closed our eyes to everything else between, hey, it was a pretty fun day in Tropicana.

Conclusion

If you have the money or someone offers to bring you in, Tropicana is a course you can never go wrong. The course is very well maintained, it is very easy to access, and it’s a guaranteed good fun. The pricing is always a pain point and unless you are Augusta, St Andrews or Pebble Beach, this will always be something we harp on. But looking beyond that, this is a course everyone should play, must play and will definitely enjoy playing. Go Trops!!

And oh, remember the golden rule of golf courses with 27 holes: Play 1st and 2nd nine; forget about the 3rd nine.

The good: Great conditions of green, fairways and rough; scenic holes built around mansions and wealthy township; easiest accessibility; guaranteed fun

The bad: Price makes you want to sell your own kidney; awful F&B services; loading bay is an accident waiting to happen; old white guys staring at you catatonically can be quite distressing.

The skinny: 29 of 40 divots (72.5%).

Tropicana Scorecard

tropicana.jpg

Tropicana Information

Address:
Jalan Kelab Tropicana,

47410 Petaling Jaya ,

Selangor, Malaysia

Contact: +603-78048888

Fax: +603-78043688

Website: http://www.tropicanagolf.com

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UPM Golf

Introduction

When you speak to a golfer from Malaysia and you mention the word “Combat Course”, there is a high probability that he or she will sigh and say, “UPM?”

UPM stands for University Putra Malaysia. It’s basically a university with a golf course. Yes, apparently this is a concept it took me a while to adjust. I would love to register for a uni with free access to a golf course. In fact, it’s not just a golf course, it’s complete with a driving range, a pro, and locker rooms and showers, just like any club!

I knew of this some time back, where my friend mentioned that in UPM, actual cows actually roam the fairways, like the legendary bisons over American Heartland. I’m like, holy cow, are they movable obstructions, loose impediments?

I’ve played it a few times and each time, I struggled mightily. The combat course is really what it says; you feel like you’re fighting it. It’s a course maintained by a university for crying out loud. What did you expect? Someone to give you a face towel on the back nine?

Travel (1/5)

There are several ways to the University and each ways are wrought with perils. Sorry, just had to say that, it sounds so cool. Anyways, the easiest coming from PJ/KL is to hit the north south highway (by now, this highway is so familiar to golfers, they should be dreaming about it and know every exit more than they know their own mother). Head south to Seremban till you see the UPM exit. This is the easiest. Take the loop, you’ll hit the UPM toll. Voila, you’re there, easy peasy. If you come from Putrajaya or Kajang side, head towards the SILK (or whatever the name of that highway is called), you know the one that heads you to Kajang and IOI mall. There is a turnoff to UPM, watch for it on the left. Immediate left after that and you’re there.

Here’s the best map I can find.

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Update:

I’ve downgraded this course significantly and will tell you why. The ONLY way into the golf course in UPM is via the SILK way, because that puts you immediately at the entrance with the golf course. I will state this clearly: If you come in via any entrance (including the one that I have cancelled above), YOU ARE DEAD. You will spend eternity circling this god forsaken university looking in vain for signs and asking in vain for directions. It took me 30 minutes of mindless driving to finally spot the golf course. There are a few reasons to this madness:

1) The insistence of UPM to not use signs. Everyone navigates by smell. They must have spent so much in building fancy facilities, that they only have RM150 left for all the signages in UPM. There will be NO signs pointing you to exit, to golf course, to toilet. The only signs there points to boring faculty buildings, no doubt filled with the living dead.

2) The sign fonts are so darn small, it’s impossible to read it. It’s senseless if you put up an unreadable signs. Why don’t just draw pictures like cavemen? It would definitely help more.

3) The directions given by students/faculty members/living dead are as vague as the signs. Or maybe my Bahasa sucks. They would say, go straight, turn left. I do that and suddenly I’m at a crossroad but there were no further instructions. What is this, some kind of Amazing Race crap? Did I miss a checkpoint or something?!?

4) I think it’s UPM strategy to increase their enrollment. You have no way to escape this campus because it’s so darn confusing and the signs are so darn useless, that you go insane and you enroll for life. Yay, now UPM has more students!

5) UPM refuses to set up the course “How to Make Road signs that are intelligible 101” for fear that people would actually escape their campus and their enrollment dwindle to their original number: 2.

Awful directions inside this university, possibly the most confusing labyrinth in the face of this earth.

Price (2/5)

You’d expect student price for a course like this, but I paid RM70 for a weekday rate. That’s because it’s RM30 for the green fees and RM40 for the buggy. If we had split the buggy, it would be RM50, which to me is quite reasonable. Given the course conditions (more of that later), we’re willing to give it an extra divot. RM50 is still a little steep for student pricing.

First thoughts

Now, we’ve played in UPM before. And we didn’t really enjoy it that much I recall. The last time I played 97, and not score any birdie/par. Sounds familiar? Yep, like Berjaya Hills. I know I was struggling with my swing and UPM is a course (especially the back 9) that severely punishes off line drives. And at 6271m, it’s not a pushover as well.

The good news was when we entered the campus, we saw banners everywhere that stated Annual Golf Open in UPM in 3 days. This means that we should expect some reasonable conditioning of the course at least! The best time to play, remember, is always before or after a competition. That way, the course is primed to its best. I recall playing KGNS old course after the National Amateur and nearly died. The rough was just impossible to play from and the greens were glass. I was four putting like a dodo bird flying into a propeller. I think the Stimpmeter was like, what 20?

It was just pure luck that we happened on a course right before their annual tournament, so we expect some good experience here.

Service (2/5)

Maintenance was being done on the course, although this is a little biased since we’re looking at a few days before the competition. Checking in was a breeze,a dn the guy at the counter was a very articulate fellow who spoke perfect English (it being a University and all). They don’t waste time with golf insurance, caddie fees and all that hocus pocus. You enter the new club house, you pay 30 bucks, you get out, you pay another 40 for the buggy and they pack you off. There’s no halfway huts, it’s just pure golf.

The one thing I have to nitpick on is this: I don’t know what is it with our government or education institutions that love SMALL SIGNS. I have very good arguments on this. I entered into their old clubhouse (it was never stated as old clubhouse), which was deserted except for two guys talking. They must have saw me coming in, but simply paid no attention as I scamper around looking for the changing room. There was a sign that said Men’s changing room, so I opened it and voila, I’m in a Surau. A Surau is a prayer room for the Malays. Holy place, you know, not where you want to be stepping in with your stinking golf shoe that hasn’t been washed since the last World War.

And there I saw it, in a small dark corner, a little A4 print out pasted on the wall (Only God knows who is it for, hidden away there). It’s like a treasure hunt clue: Go to New Clubhouse. And why the heck are those two guys ignoring me? Can’t they point me to the right direction? Am I like Bruce Willis and they don’t see dead people?!

The reason why I drag government institutions into this is easy. Try driving to Putrajaya, our administrative capital in Malaysia, the place where all ministry and government buildings reside. The signs are not just small, they are MINUTE. I have to slow down and nearly cause pile ups everytime I pass a darn sign because they cram everything into a small space that nobody but pedestrians can read. Do they think it’s dainty to have small signs or what? What the heck is going on?

Fairways (3/5)

Once we hit the course, there’s where it gets better. Well, at least for the first nine anyway. And I know this has a lot to do with the upcoming tournament. The first tee off is to a huge fairway-which, for once, I found with my tee shot, so I guess I am slowly improving-a reachable par 5, which I pushed my 3 wood but still parred it. It was a sunny day, so I didn’t expect it to be bad. It wasn’t, and UPM is a course where hitting fairways is your primary goal. It plays not that long, but some of the holes, notably the signature Par 5 16th requires a bomb to reach the ravine and then a carry. Grass was cut for the tournament so it was as best as it could be.

Greens (2/5)

I was tempted to give it a 4 after going through the first nine. Really, I thought I was playing in KGNS or Rahman Putra, because the fairways were great and the greens were just superb. I hit an approach to the 3rd and it spun back. To the 4th and 5th and the greens just gripped the ball. It was soft, it was receptive, it was un-UPM like, and more Impian-like. Most greens here are table top, so please don’t run low balls into the greens! It played slow though, probably due to the watering of the greens in the morning but I’d say, UPM greens on its best days, beats Impian greens on its worst. It’s like the plain Jane upstaging the Belle of the Ball who had a bad hair day. Hey, that happens.

But Jekyll and Hyde. Or rather, front nine and back nine.

As good as the front nine was, with newly paved buggy tracks, someone forgot to include the back nine in the budget. Back nine plays wild. It’s much much tougher, much more undulation and less maintained. I suspect the tournament is only for front nine, because once I hit the back 9, the greens were back to their sorry state. The 16th was sanded and unputtable. The 13th likewise. It’s a pity because the back 9 is much more enjoyable and more memorable, but I guess they haven’t got down to maintaining it. Now, this is more like the UPM we recall from our previous visits!

What a waste, so we just have to split that 4 into 2. Still, the front nine shows promise of what the greens in UPM can become!

Rough (2/5)

The rough is punishable by death…of your balls, that is. The front nine is quite benign, and reasonably allows you to score well even with crooked driving. Once you make the turn, it’s as if you’ve crossed the gateway into destruction. From Hole 10, to the narrow 12th, then to the long 13th, the 15th and 16th, you will be framed with jungle from all sides. I don’t know what’s a rainforest jungle doing in the middle of a university, but there you have it. Even the par 3s are inhumanly long: 183m, 171m, 154m (but plays to 160 since it’s a severe uphill) and the most scenic 17th, playing at 170m downhill, where I lost my 5 iron shot into the oblivion beyond. Even my six iron was over. Bollocks!

The downpoint were the bunkers. Probably they were a little too wet and packed, but it has always never been very well maintained. I suppose it being a University, there’s a course on ‘How to Make Good Bunkers 101′ as well as ‘Constantly Frustrate the Stupid Golfer Advanced Course’.

Aesthetics (2/5)

I’d like to give it a good score here but the honest truth is that, the course is just not pretty. It’s functional, yes, but the front nine plays very boringly, if there’s such a word, except for the 7th, which is quite a nice hole to look at. The back nine plays almost claustrophobicly, due to the framing of the jungle. We hardly get to see the whole course in one view and sometimes it plays like Datai Bay in a sense where every hole is self contained. But Datai Bay had the view. UPM doesn’t.

Fun Factor (3/5)

Despite of it all, we believe that UPM can offer a measure of fun, given the right conditions. Good weather is paramount. And before tournament conditions also help. The front nine could have been more exciting, but it more than makes it up with some of the most challenging holes you will never play in other courses. The par 4 13th is a driving hole over a massive ravine at the tee box. After that, you’re faced with the short 14th. A good tee shot places you about 50 meters away if it catches the slope, but the green is just demonic to putt on. The 15th is also severely undulated to an elevated green. But the 16th is the most fun to play. A good tee shot can catch two terraced slopes leading down to a landing area right before a huge ravine. From there, a risky 3 wood should give you a two on and a putt for eagle.

The ending hole is a par 5 where a slope runs your tee shot down to 3 wood range. You can eagle this as well.

Conclusion

I think we caught UPM on a good day. No doubt about it. The pre tournament conditioning worked well, but I’ve almost always never do well on this course. I’ll be the first to admit it’s no pushover, even for a university course, neither is it a pretty course. But if you can play the back nine reasonably well here, your game is pretty much ready to go.

The good: Good fairways, great greens on the front nine, memorable par 5s that will definitely be quite fun to play on the back nine, a functional course on a good day.

The bad: Lousy greens on the back nine, par 3s are long and except for one, not very scenic; price is a little looped out of a student budget; lousy bunkers; not a pretty looking course. Plus, 5 year olds can make better signs and give better directions than these so called university staff.

The skinny: 19 of 40 divots (47.5%). We caught UPM on its best day, so we’re recommending it. But take heed of the entrance and bring a flare gun in the event you get lost or have to fight off the living dead in UPM. Don’t blame us if you come out cursing the course and Gilagolf!

UPM Scorecard

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UPM Information

Address:

Unit Golf, Bahagian Pembangunan UPM,

43400 UPM Serdang, Selangor.

Contact: +603-8946 7996

Fax: +603-8943 3972

Website: http://www.upm.edu.my