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Ernie Els is now a Hacker

How the mighty has fallen.

Ernie Els used to be one of the best golfers in the universe, with a swing as sweet and soft as ours are horrible and unsightly. We used to crave for his swing, but end up swinging like a baboon. That is on drugs, and possibly rabid.

But here he is: 6 Putting.

Yes. And this is 6 putting from 3 feet.

I have seen one of my hacker friend 4 putt from 3 feet and we were down to the ground laughing at his misfortune.

Welcome to the new record, which even John Daly won’t beat.

I mean, here it is. The first putt was just a miss. The second putt, like all professionals, he wanted to ram it straight through the break but must have pulled it. So he is back to where he was originally. He must now know the break is to the left.

He misses the SAME way. The same.

Now he is pissed. And also uncertain. He deccelerates his fourth putt and doesnt get enough speed and just breaks again.

He is pissed even worse now. He taps a 5 inch putt and it hits the hole. By now he has given up.

He never recovered and finished with an 80 and third last.

As of this writing, he just teed off his first hole and did much better. He double bogeyed it.

Bye bye Ernie.

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Tiger Woods is BACK (?)

Think of one golf shot, at one point of time that you remember the most.

Some of you might probably think of Jack Nicklaus sinking in the putt for the 1986 Masters.

Or Bubba Watson crafting that extremely STUPID hook from the trees in the 2012 playoff Masters.

Ok, for those who are somehow still alive – 1935 Gene Sarazen Masters – double eagle (that’s a two on a par 5 …WHAAAT??)

But come on – Tiger Woods. 2005. 16th Hole. The Nike chip. And the missed High 5. No one forgets that. I remember I woke up early (but not too early) for work and I turned on the TV to catch what I hoped would be the final few holes.

It was the 16th.

And Tiger and this guy Chris DiMarco (I think) was there and Tiger was stalking the green. It was unbelievable. It was as if God woke me up, timed me perfectly to brush my teeth and change clothes and wash up etc. And so I stood there watching the whole scene unfold.

Is Tiger back?

I hope so. It could be the only reason why I will pay those crooks and corrupt billionaires who would sell their own parents for money, in AS-TUPID-TRO to give me back my golf channel.

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Gilagolf Prediction Engine for Masters 2013

OK.

It was pre-mature to crown Tiger Woods for his Augusta major this year. But who’d have thought this sequence would occur:

1. Hit a perfect shot on a par 5 15th, his 3rd shot.
2. So well that it hit the flag and rebounded into the water. (??)
3. Angry so he drops the ball, 2 yards back from where he hit his 3rd.
4. 2 yards. Back.
5. Hit a perfect shot, but later got penalized for a wrong drop.
6. Hard to contend with absolute nutters who say he should DQ himself. I hear a lot of stupid remarks in my life, but golfers really take the cake for stupidity. This isn’t honesty people. This is stupidity. This is like John Terry who fouled Luis Suarez in the penalty box, and then forces the ref to give Luis Suarez the penalty and then gives himself the red card and send himself off. Why are golfers, especially those who stay up late and watch the Masters and blog about it, so absolutely DUMB? Aiyoh.

Anyway, from a birdie shoo-in, he got a bogey, and then compounded with another +2, that turns it to triple bogey. So we had a 4 stroke swing there. That changed everything. That cost him the tournament. Which begs the question to Tiger: You have played in Augusta freaking 19 times. How the heck did you drop that wrongly??

So who is left?

Tiger is stuck at -4. He would have been the co-leader if he had not lost 4 strokes on that 15th. Fine. Our prediction engine works. It just doesn’t take into account balls hitting the flag and crazy viewers complaining that Tiger wrongly dropped his ball. Bubba Watson is right. These guys who complain needs to get a LIFE.

First is Angel Cabrera aka Dr Octopus. Is he going to win? He won it before. But he is WILD. He’s like a WILD buffalo in the plains of western Ohio. When pressure hits him especially the back 9, he’s going to choke, because his swing just can’t hold up. He won a few years back thanks to that Perry guy choking and losing a 2 stroke lead with 2 holes to play.

Chasing him are 3 Australians, looking to be the first Australians winning the Masters. This might be the year, after the nightmare that Greg Norman endured, it took decades for Australians to find their belief again. Anyways. Day, Scott and Leishman. Adam Scott I don’t think so, after what he endured in the British Open. Too many demons. Leishman we don’t think so as well, because he’s a nobody. Augusta gods generally don’t like first timers who hasn’t put their numbers yet, unlike the PGA championship gods, also known as the major with the biggest amount of nobodies as winners.

There’s a guy called Brandt Snedeker also in the mix. But we already said, as long as he doesn’t cut his hair, he ain’t gonna win it.

So that leaves Jason Day, who looks half Asian, and who we will be predicting to be Augusta champion. The first Australian to do so!

Oh by the way, Bubba Watson, our Masters champion made the cut. But he shot a +10 on the par 3 12th, the famous Amen Corner par 3. That is a sextuple bogey. That’s humiliating Bubba. But wait, he’s not the only one. There’s our all time favourite hacker, Kevin Na, the king of high scores and the most likely person that should not be playing on the PGA tour due to the embarassment he has endured as a pro through his career. I hate to hit an Asian brother when he’s down but…..WHY IS KEVIN NA A PRO WHEN HE PLAYS LIKE CRAP???!?! Kevin Na also shot a 10 but that’s nothing compared to his duodecuple bogey a few years back, a +12 over. So this guy is really used to playing lousy golf and an inspiration for hackers all over the world, that you could actually play crap golf and play at the top level! NA!!!!

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Why Golf is NOT a Sport…

What does a full grown Siberian Tiger, a male californian Sea Lion, an adult polar bear and the top 3 leaders in Augusta Masters have in common?

They all weigh in a total of about 300 kgs.

What kind of sport would allow three guys who obviously have not had any proper exercise for the past 10 years, who drink beer for breakfast and chomp down about 10 kgs of fries and steak everyday – before midday – what kind of sport would allow players of this kind of profile to lead possibly the most prestigious and most important golfing event in history?

The Augusta transcends the sport. You’re playing into folklore, into legend, into tradition. Once you wear the green jacket, you are immediately immortal. You can go out into the main street and stop a 16 wheeler with that jacket. You will not die. You are an Augusta winner. You are a MASTER.

And here we have it. 3 guys who lumbers around the course like grizzly bears, hiting shots Tiger is supposed to hit and bombing putts that Tiger is supposed to bomb. Meanwhile, the guy on the course with some semblance of an athlete, the guy that is supposed to win this tournament for like the umpteenth time, is playing like a wombat high on weed, by hooking his first tee shot on his way to a double bogey round 3 start.

I once heard from a wise man, that any activity you can do while simultaneously having a cigaratte and a beer is NOT a sport. I’ll add, any activity you can do with 0 amount of physical requirements, a belly so large you can’t see your toes and an utter disregard to gym activities….that’s not a sport. It’s a hobby that brings these guys millions of dollars because of idiots willing to invest millions to learn the game, to buy the equipments and generally having a horrible time hacking up nature in the process. Ah, the cycle of life.

So, the Gilagolf Prediction Engine (GPE)is running full force once again, for the Augusta 2009 champion!

Angel Cabrera (-11)

GPE Predicts: Bust.

We’re gonna go out and say it. Nobody, no pundits, no experts, no site is going to say it because it’s politcally incorrect, but Gilagolf is not bound by editorial parameters, we will just say what is on everyone’s mind: No way the golfing gods are gonna allow a guy weighing in at 210 pounds fit into the green jacket. I know they custom make it, but come on face it, look back at history. The last time a fat old  guy won it was in 1998, Mark O Meara. I know, Phil won it a couple of times the last few years, but that was before he started representing a beached walrus on the greens. And who’s gonna let a fellow from Argentina named El Pato (The Duck) carry away one of America’s greatest tradition? He’ll bust, because he’s too fat (I’m fat too, so I really understand the golfing gods’ discrimination, because I also suck when the pressure mounts for me to win my 3 ringgit on the 18th).

Kenny Perry (-11)

GPE Predicts: Bust.

For some unknown reason, there’s just something about KP we dislike. It might be the fact that he looks like the coffee shop Char Kueh Teow seller and has a swing resembling a squirrel trying to crack a walnut, and still earns a million bucks every year. That must be it. We hate him because on the outside he’s just like us, fat like us, balding like us, unfashionable like us, but for some strange reason only Almighty in Heaven knows, crushes the ball a thousand miles and putts like the hole is the size of Jupiter. And probably has a hot wife and a Diablo in the garage. Bust, KP, bust!!

Chad Campbell (-9)

GPE Predicts: Bust.

Ah, Chad. He’s like a cuddly Winnie The Pooh, only with pants on. We like his workhorse type of style,without much emotions, playing as if he’s in a coma. Unfortunately, he’s a bust. He can’t perform under pressure of any sort, as seen with his double on 16, and a bogey on the last. He still looks like Marshmallow Man though, and that’s a saving grace for him.

Jim Furyk (-8)

GPE Predicts: WIN!!!!

If Chad is cuddly, Jim looks like he’s the witch of Endor. Looks department, the rear end of a army truck is probably more attractive than him, but he has proven himself by winning the US Open. OK, Angel won it too, but please, no fat winners, as predicted. So Jimmy is due to win, because he hits it straight. With Augusta playing benign, straight hitters will have a chance, and he putts better than anyone not named Tiger. He has the occasional hook when pressured (with a swing like that, a hook would seem like a great result), but we’re banking on Jimmy. Go, and show us, the FIST OF FURY(K)!!!

Steve Stricker (-7)

GPE Predicts: Bust.

Steve is a nice guy, but his personality is as interesting as a piece of bamboo. It’s up to your interpretation on what that means, but he scored so low in charisma department, the GPE blanked out on him and instead focused on the growth of azaleas in milimeters during summer days. In other words, bust.

Guys at -6

These three folks are interesting. Rory is a guy nobody likes except us, because if you don’t think Tiger is beatable, then stay at home and play ping pong with your poodle instead. You need to go out to beat the crap out of Tiger, and Rory said that. Why blame him, even though he’s so completely insane to think he would be the guy to beat Tiger? Shingo, you gotta give it to the Japs, they know how to get attention. Shingo knows gwai los cant tell one asian dude from the next, so he wears a cowboy cap that makes him look like a complete twit on the course, but at least stops the commentators from confusing him  with the itenarant chinese gardener in Augusta.

Who the heck is the third guy? Todd Hamilton? The guy that won the British Open a couple of years back. Please. He’s in the standards of Shaun Micheel, Rich Beem and other clowns who won by fluke. Bust, bust, bust.

Dark Horses (-4)

Tiger Woods Phil Mickelson Anthony Kim

Watch out for the guy in Red on Sunday. Although we doubt he’ll win, we’re still watching golf because of him, even if he’s 50 strokes behind. It’s more interesting watching Tiger mow his lawn than watching, say, Stricker play in the final round of Augusta. The guy in the middle have won it a couple of times, so don’t count Phil out. We’d love to watch him do that embarassing jump he did when he won the first Masters title in 2004. Seriously, he wouldn’t have been able to clear over a piece of A4 paper with that jump. The third guy is Mr Anthony Kim who whacked in 11 birdies on Friday. 11!! Plus he looks like the pai kia in the Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift, so better watch this guy closely. Anyone that looks like a chinese pai kia deserves to our support automatically.

OK, onward to Augusta 2009! Go, go Jimmy go!

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Augusta Masters 2008 Review

Ok, so our Gilagolf Prediction Theory was a little off. We predicted Brandt Snedeker to win. Instead he went the other way, posting 77. We thought we tracked him after that eagle on 2 but he derailed instead. Our other prediction was partly correct, Ian Poulter making a brief run after the second before killing himself with 3 double bogeys in three holes. Paul Casey playing like a chipmunk drunk with tequilla. Cink and Flesch wishing they had more hair to win this dang thing.

We also predicted Tiger Woods wouldn’t come close to challenging the masters and we were correct. Trevor Immelman played the 16th like your weekend hacker and still could afford a double on the 18th to win it. Nope, Tiger was no where close.

Since you can read in 100,000 other articles on the net on how Trevor won, and the full Masters analysis, Gilagolf is just going to offer one perspective:

How Tiger Lost

Many will say Tiger lost it in the final round, where he missed putts like how I miss putts. On the 15th, he had like less than 5 feet to start a major run, and he screwed up the birdie.

But his chances really ended months ago, after he made this statement, when asked if he can complete the Grand Slam this year:

“I think it’s easily within reason.”

For the uninitiated, the Grand Slam is winning all 4 majors in a calendar year, a feat only achieved by Bobby Jones, who sounds like your neighbourhood garbage man but who is actually one of the greatest golfers ever lived (well, he’s dead now). Mr Jones did it before the modern definition of majors; i.e The Masters, The US Open, the British Open and the PGA Championship. Nobody has ever won these 4 tournaments in one year.

And Tiger says: “It is EASILY WITHIN REASON.”

Note the innuendo of the world Number 1. In these 5 choice words, he has conveyed the following messages:

1) I am good, way better than all the other losers on this PGA tour.

2) All of y’all suck, especially that idiot Rory, whom I will have the joy of pounding my 7 iron into his mouth one of these days.

3) I have a hot wife.

Tiger definitely has a way with words.

Every golfer, from pro to hacker, knows the golden rule of golf:

NEVER JINX YOURSELF.

This is so easy to do. You sometimes do it without realising it. For instance, take my KRTU experience. I was saying to myself breaking 80 is ‘easily within reason’ and then blew up for a 95 on a windswept day. Another time, I shot 40 on my front nine in Nilai Springs, then said to myself: “Maybe today…”. I didn’t even tell anyone! Next thing I knew, I started hacking like a pregnant hippo and shot 47 on the back. How many times I was poised to shoot a low round record when my entire game would decide to take a break and destroy any semblance of pride I have left?

That’s how Tiger lost. He jinxed himself. His recovery shots and putting left him. True he made a ridiculous par on the 18th on Friday (or Thursday?) but it didn’t matter. He lost, because of his big mouth. And hence, he tried to recover from it, saying in the post round interview:

“I learned my lesson there with the press. I’m not going to say anything,”

Welcome Tiger, to the world of hackers.

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Augusta Masters 2008 Champion

Gilagolf, aside from hacking unfortunate golf courses to pieces both literally and literaturely, will now include random ramblings of any golf subjects that crosses our minds (which is quite often), and can be written down without causing too much offence (which is quite often, the offence part, we mean), and that can be published without banning us from any golf courses (which is quite rare, the publishing part, we mean).

This is being written about 3 hours before the final group tees off in Augusta for the final round of the Masters 2008. For days, we’ve been running through our time tested Gila Prediction Theory (GPT) and with each round, we’re getting more and more excited about the results. Finally, we’re about the prove that the GPT is accurate and this is how we are going to prove it.

We first start by taking in past champions for five years. We believe any data older than that is not helpful, since equipment changes, diet changes, course changes and the general aging of the earth have caused such data to be obsoleted. The past five winners are as follows:

2003 – Mike Weir
2004 – Phil Mickelson
2005 – Tiger Woods
2006 – Phil Mickelson
2007 – Zach Johnson

I know there are some prediction techniques out there that calculate stats like GIR, Fairway hits, low score average, plane of attack, trajectory of ball flight, momentum of quantum weight shift and all that baloney. Forget ’em. They confuse everyone and has proven that they are too confusing even for the statisticians who devised them. GPT is simply based on one criteria of the past winners:

Hair.

If you notice from the mugshots above, starting from 2003, there is a distinctive pattern to be predicted in the Augusta Champions. Mike Wier kicked it all up when he won. This guy is really bald under that cap. He’s quite a good looking chap with the cap on though. Then in 2004, we all remembered Phil’s celebratory jump, that probably looked as if he was attempting to leap over a sheet of paper and failing. Look at Phil’s hair. Dang, that’s a lot of hair! 2005 was Tiger time, and we all know Tiger has been losing hair since he first picked up the club and sold his hair to the devil for giving him a mad, mad game.

You see the trend? Each year alternates between a hairy and a bald champion.

The very next year, Mr Lots of Hair came through and won again in 2006, since it was the year that a Hairy Champion would wear the green jacket. In 2007, this was a ‘bald’ year and I tell you, Zach Johnson’s hair is receding as fast as the beach water before a tsunami hits. This mug shot was probably taken in his school days when he was 12, but I assure you, his hair is gone, as much as Jim Furyk’s hair is gone.

So what does that leave us? A prediction of a Hairy Champion in 2008!

And here’s where we got excited, because while there were buzz about Furyk, Singh and of course Tiger winning in Augusta, we pshawed it, because they didn’t fit the GPT prediction! Instead we predicted Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els and Adam Scott. All three are of course toast bread by now. So we rescanned the GPT for predictions and expectedly, here’s how our final 2 pairing looks like:

It’s painfully obvious the third guy, Steve Flesch is NOT gonna win it. He has a head like an egg, and we predict by the first 9 before amen corner, he’s going to be scratching whatever hair remaining out.

Forget about Tiger or Cink. I mean look at Cink. Look at him. You cannot possibly tell me, with this new information you have, you’re gonna bet of a dude who looks like that. I like Poulter’s chances since he’s got a head full of hair. But he wears tight pants, which is bad, since that means he chokes a lot.

GPT predicts IAN POULTER to be the dark horse to play well in the last day but fall short due to his tight pants.

So that leaves us Immelman, Snedeker and Casey.

Immelman’s hair hasn’t been that great and with a balky putter, and the fact that he looks a little like Lorena Ochoa after he hits the ball, we’re not going to go for him.

Casey is a firebrand. He hates Americans and he intimidates everyone. He has game to back it up, not like Sergio, the mama’s boy. But unfortunately GPT does not select him because it would give Europe too much to gloat for (Ryder champs and Augusta Champs??! COME ON!!). It’s ok to balance the power, but if Europe wins too much, everyone will become like Colin Montgomerie and golf will likely be banned in Asian countries, since Doubtfire has a personal grudge against Asians like myself. So, sorry Paul, nothing personal, we just don’t like that fat white guy who picks on little Asians.

Which leaves us with Brandt Snedeker. With a mop like that on his head, he’s on track to win the Masters outright. Plus, we like his boy band face, and we like the way he putts, since he doesn’t delay over the ball (If God was playing behind Jim Furyk, He would probably have fried Furyk with a million thunderbolts for slow play). Snedeker reminds us of Aaron Baddeley, our all time favourite since he putts very quickly as well. Also, Snedeker sounds like Snead, which is good. And finally, most importantly, we like comical names that we don’t see elsewhere. Sne Dek Er sounds like a chinese name, obviously a major advantage to have. With such overwhelming evidence set before us, Gilagolf is therefore predicting:

BRANDT SNEDEKER TO WIN THE 2008 MASTERS AT AUGUSTA!!!