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Staffield Country Resort

Introduction

Update: 5-August 2011: As most of my readers know, I don’t generally revisit a golf course ratings and re-review the course, unless the following occurs:

1) Something so drastic happened that changed my mind on whether it’s better or worse

2) The course I gave a good rating to now resembles the rear end of a llama

Actually they are the one and the same. And Staffield, always noted for its nice course and challenging layout with tough greens and undulating fairways, now has the distinction of being re-reviewed: because of customer service that is so bad, it makes cat shit smell like roses. I have NEVER experienced such atrocity in what Staffield term as ‘customer service’ unless they are the Yakuza prying away your finger nails one by one.

Read on, in the ‘service’ category.

End Note

Staffield Country Resort has always been on our mind since the last time we played there a few years ago. What I remembered was this: it was a pretty course, and I played pretty well there, scoring an 89. Plus, it has always been voted as one of the top courses in Malaysia in terms of it’s design, maintenance and playability. Although we seriously doubt it would achieve the DAGTH status that courses like Datai, Palm Garden and Tropicana failed to achieve, we think it would give a good run, so away we went, merrily to Staffield.

Travel (1/5)

It’s one of those places where it’s like the mythical El Dorado. It’s always over the next mountain. Always over the next hill. I don’t recall much of my journey there the previous time, except that it wasn’t so simple. We came from Seremban toll, I think and spent some years circling around the area looking for El Dorado. So, this time, we made sure we researched and concluded that the easiest way was to come from the Nilai turn off. I.e Get onto the north south highway and head over the Seremban. As you pass the Nilai Memorial park, make sure you fill up with your nasi lemak and go further to the Nilai turnoff. From there, it looks pretty straight forward, doesn’t it?

staffieldmap.gif

Wrong.

Apparently, the person who created this map is either blind or an idiot. We forgive the former, but for the latter, we wish him a thousand golf balls heading straight at him like how the elves unleashed the arrows at the Orcs at the Siege of Helm’s Deep. Because here’s the actual map:

staffieldmap2.gif

No I am not exaggerating. Two things that Malaysia do very well is map making and signs placing. In fact, when Staffield started, management gave the sign placers a total of six signs for directions to Staffield. You will see one sign at the Nilai toll. And for the next dozen miles or so, it’s empty wasteland, devoid of any information of Staffield. Here’s the actual direction:

After toll, take a left. Go along the road then take a right and another right at the lights. Look out for these rare signs, it’s like a bonus if you see it. Take another left and there you will be on a long road where you are left wondering if you are on the right one. Refrain from asking anyone for directions, because soon you will come across another sigh and you need to turn right. Then long road. And then left near the flyover. At this point you are so utterly confused at how WRONG the maps given by Berjaya (yes, this is the same management as that crap course Berjaya Hills), you are willing to run down the next cow you see crossing the road.

Another way is to take the Kajang Silk and hit the Sungai Ramal Toll, then pass the Bukit Kajang Toll. You are heading to Semenyih. Take the exit 1804 (or 1805), whatever, the Semenyih exit. You’ll hit a town that’s a throwback of prehistoric ages where dinosaurs co existed with men and we had velociraptors as pets. Keep going straight all the way and you should soon come upon Staffield on your right. It seems a lot easier but when there is a jam, (which is almost always, unless you are going through there at 5 am in the morning), that whole stretch becomes the major cause of automobile suicide.

Either way, we’re going to rate it a 1, since Berjaya map makers are obviously underpaid chimpanzees working frantically on typewriters.

Price (4/5)

I like the price. At RM45 under AGN card membership, we get to play at a very good course that is usually voted as one of the country’s top courses. We were lucky too because when we came, there was some kind of tournament and a caddy shortage caused us to tee up without the ‘compulsory’ caddie. Which saved us a fair bit of cash. Normal pricing for non AGN is RM72++ on weekdays, and RM170 peak price for Saturday/Sunday morning, RM150 for Saturday afternoon and RM120 for Sunday afternoon.

First thoughts

Staffield has 3 nines, which makes it difficult to choose from. Frankly I’ve only ever played on the North and South course. South because of Par 3 eight hole, which requires a 160 carry across a lake that has eaten up a million balls over the years. North because it’s the longest and we always want to test our manhood by measuring who has the longest….drive. Yes. Of course.

I really can’t recall how I fared the last time I played, but I was getting a lot better at my first tee jitters and I blasted my first shot down left of the fairway of hole 10th on the South. It has an elevated tee but it’s a stupid design because on the left is the driving range. So if you draw it too much left, you not only have to avoid some king cobras in the rough, but you need to avoid the driving range balls as well as they rain around you. Another reason why we are so annoyed when we see websites like golf-asiapac.com saying:

“The signature hole at the Southern Nine is a majestic par 5, hole no.10, measuring 485 metres with a double dog leg.”

Majestic my foot. It’s like hailstones coming down on us as we search our balls on the left.

This is the same site that dares to say this on ‘How to get there’:

“From the North-South Expressway get off at Nilai Interchange (exitg 214) and follow the sign indicating Staffield Country Resort.”

Do you have any idea how stupid this direction is?

Come on, play the course before writing any reviews. Gilagolf reviews are the best!!

Service (0/5)

Update: The below review is deprecated. As of now, Staffield has officially the worst head of golf operations in the known world. It’s this fat guy, I don’t even remember his name. Basically there was a misunderstanding with a group of Koreans I arranged golf with. Due to a miscommunication and the high possibility that the entire group was drunk the night before and the morning of the game, the group went ahead first to Staffield while we waited for them at the resort. We finally managed to meet at Staffield itself but unfortunately, my Korean friends had registered separately: 6 of them, 2 flights, 4 buggies. As you can imagine, they were charged a penalty for the buggy with one person on each flight. Me and my friend also registered before we bumped into the Korean group in the changing room, so we technically had one buggy, making it 5 buggies.

Now, it’s not so complicated if you know golf well. We tried to get the Staffield folks to cancel the extra buggy so we could use ours, but the guy at the counter said it was already in the system. Now, this is NOT the argument. We’re all reasonable people. So, after a little discussion to which my friends said, “I just want to play golf”, we decided to cancel our plan to play in Impian in the afternoon and have another round in Staffield, with the condition that either our buggy or caddy in the afternoon session is waived (due to the extra buggy we paid in the morning).

All agreed. Seems ok. We played the morning, had lunch and went to register for afternoon game. This is where the proverbial crap hits the fan. The guy that registered us in the morning was there, but so was this fat guy, the head of golf operations, as I later found out, hawking over the registration. When we asked about our game, and the agreement to waive a caddy fee for the extra money we paid, this operation head became very agitated and said, NO, no such thing can be done, and that it was OUR fault for the communication breakdown, OUR fault for registering the extra buggy in the morning and NOT any of his issue, if we wanted to play Golf in Staffield, we will just pay what is required, and no deals or agreements will be made. For a while, I thought we were all wearing swatikas as armbands, the way he acted.

Look, Staffield Head of Operations, we are not criminals or terrorists about to sabotage your bloody petunias growing on the 18th hole. It became almost embarrassing after a while, because now the Koreans will think we’re all a bunch of inarticulate orang utans like this guy who can’t seem to understand the meaning of customer service.

There are literally a hundred ways to tell us that we can’t do what we thought we could. Explain it nicely. With a smile. Appease the customer a bit by saying, if its ok, I can give you a F&B voucher or something. Even the worse possible thing you can do is shrug and say, Sorry, we can’t do much, but here’s a free drink for the misunderstanding, please come and play in Staffield again. Hundreds upon hundreds of ways to come out well. And this guy just went to war with us.

It’s a pity when you have such a great product like Staffield Golf Course, and we then see uneducated people placed in charge of the operations. This guy obviously has zero experience in customer handling, and probably settles all conflict the same way he would get rid of a rat, scorpion or cockroach: Hammer the customer relentlessly with a loud voice, agitated gestures and a shovel until everyone submits to your rule.

Staffield, get rid of this idiot please. He’s smearing the good name of this golf course.

Other bad experience: Caddy loses the boss’s headcover, denies it, then pokes me for tip money when she wasn’t even helping me much. She also complained that RM30 was not good enough tip for her. Towel guy looked as if you are the cause of him being stuck in his career as the towel guy (maybe we are), starts barking at my Korean friends when they asked for plastic bag, like a rabid mongrel.

I really, honestly say Staffield is a very nice golf course. But the next time we think of a course for a corporate competition, or taking up membership, this will be the last place on earth I’d think of. Truly embodies the adage, “First world infrastructure, third world service.”

End update

Any course that’s flexible is good with us. Because they ran out of caddies (apparently, caddies are like any commodities in the market place), they allowed us to tee it up quickly so we can end quickly. We didn’t have a lot of experience with the caddies or marshals, so the less bother the better. The only thing is that in the F&B, NEVER ORDER the Char Kueh Teow. Serious. It comes watery. For those who are thinking that this is a golf blog and not a food blog, well, you are obviously not Malaysian, so we forgive you. In Malaysia, all things concern food. Food is the backbone of society, of our culture and you cannot divorce food from any topic in discussion. Golf, politics, business, economics, religion, marriages are tied to food. In fact, there is a saying, “A Malaysian without food is like a sparrow without wings.” I made it up actually. Sounds good, doesn’t it??

So when the Char Kueh Teow comes WATERY, gilagolf is not happy. A mediocre 3!!

Fairways (3/5)

I was slightly surprised that the course condition wasn’t as good as I expected it to be. Perhaps due to the rainy season. There were cart marks on the fairway, and the grass was inconsistent, with patches of cow grass over Bermuda, in the classic case of ‘Fairway Acne’, where cowgrass makes their way to the Bermuda turfs. I don’t think we’re good enough for the difference to really make a difference but we are just anal and want to pick on something.

Greens (4/5)

We found the greens in good condition. Of course, it’s nothing like the remarkable Impian. Here, it doesn’t really catch your ball so the safe bet is to roll it up to the flag. But the putts rolled fast. Even though a brief rain caught us on the 10th, 11th and 12th before clearing up, the greens were fast. Not crazy like Impian or Seri Selangor but still gave us a bit of challenge to stop 3 putting. Then again, by normal standards we are all putting as bad as a mongoose chasing its own tail, so 3 putting is pretty much the norm for us. Blast our limited skills!

Rough (3/5)

Staffield has got some challenging holes. Both courses have a different profile. The south being more scenic and offering more variation in terms of hole designs and OB framing the holes. The north is just long. And if you can drive it well, then you can negotiate pretty much the course. However, it’s not a course for the wayward. More than once I found my fading ball on the right side of the fairway in the rough, embedded into thick grass with trees blocking. All I could do was punch out and from there hope for a long approach to hold the green. It’s a tough rough. Surprisingly the bunkers weren’t top notch as we expected but I would think the downpour had something to do with it.

Aesthetics (3/5)

Surprisingly, we always expected Staffield to have a prettier face than what we saw. Perhaps it was the classic case of Clearwater sanctuary, where the expectations were just not met. It’s like we are all prepared to meet the prettiest girl in high school after several years of absence and when we do meet her, we are confronted with a girl who perhaps had her fair share of Pringles and perhaps too much of the sweet stuff. I mean, her features are still nice and all, but you wonder, how on earth did people ever think her the hottest babe in school??

It wasn’t that Staffield was lousy or anything, after all that Par 3 8th was really something to shoot for; but we always expected something better and I think perhaps, that was the problem, of having the reputation preceding the course itself. I remember thinking as I walked up the 3rd hole Par 4, which I proceeded to lose the ball left and double bogeying it, ‘I thought it was a lot better looking than this!’

Going out to the North Course, you are faced with a lot wider, though not necessarily prettier perspective. Honestly I can remember much of the holes we played, since heavy rain accosted us for the first 3 holes and we suffered mightily. Ironically when the rain stopped, I proceeded with four straight double bogeys like a whiskey filled baboon and only managed to end decent with a 12 footer sandy par at the end. That’s what golf does to you; repeatedly whip and beat you up and then offers you a chocolate at the end so you’ll idiotically come again and play, and the process of abuse and bribery is repeated.

Fun Factor (3/5)

We were slightly disappointed with Staffield. Not massively like Clearwater but I suppose the mood was really dampened by the ridiculous traveling time and the absolutely confounding maps and signs to this place. Once there, long golf courses are never really extremely fun for us because it’s hard to recover. For instance, the par 5 12th, after a mediocre tee shot, my second shot hit a tree and dropped only 50 meters away. Now I am left with a 250 meter shot; my 3 wood never had a chance. A great wedge into 10 feet, missed putt and bogey. Most holes are like that as I only managed 4 GIRs and none on the back nine. No GIRs, no chances. Simple as that.

Staffield played 73.45 Course Rating, 3rd behind Clearwater and Kota Permai, and 130 slope rating. Again, we reiterate we’re not going to analyse what these numbers pertain to us, since our understanding is that if it is high, it is harder for us. We’re hackers, not mathematicians.

Also, the downpour kinda made the back nine experience miserable, as one of my golf mates was already sick, so we were all kind of listless except for the final hole, when we had to par to square the game, which I am proud to say I did, with a stroke of my putter, but moreso with a stroke of luck.

Conclusion

It’s very difficult to say this, since we believe Staffield is a nice course, but given the traveling and the so-so course and aesthetics, you might want to think twice about this course. It’s a high, middle tier course, much like Clearwater: it probably won’t blow you out of your mind and give hackers a lot of fun, but unless they transport the whole darn course to PJ or at least somewhere accessible, we might give it a miss next time. For now, the best way to access is the same way to access most remote regions of the Amazon: by helicopter and landing on one of the greens on the North Course.

The good: Price is pretty much unbeatable on weekdays with AGN, the greens are well conditioned; rough is penalizing; considered one of the best course in Malaysia so it’s a must play at least once, especially the intimidating par 3 8th on South

The bad: One of the worst traveling experience ever; fairways are slightly off mark; aesthetics are mediocre except for the must play par 3 8th on South; plays slightly long for hackers.

The skinny: 21 of 40 divots (52.5%). We’re on the fence for this one. On one hand, I believe we’ll likely return to have another go; on the other, the experience of getting there is like having a hundred bagpipes blasting into your ear at once. Or a Scottish dude flouncing his kilt in front of you. Either way, it’s a terrible, horrible experience indeed.

Staffield Score Card

staffield.jpg

Staffield Information

Address:

13th Mile,
Seremban – Kuala Lumpur Country Road 71700 Mantin
N.Sembilan

Contact: +603-87666117

Fax: +603-87667173

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Ayer Keroh Country Club

Introduction

If there was a state I wish I had been born in aside from Selangor, it would be Malacca. It used to be Ipoh, but I decided that the golf courses there were too far apart; and Clearwater Sanctuary isn’t such a great place after all. Which leaves us to Malacca, 2 states away, and quite far off to travel. But we know that the courses here were a lot better than say, Klang Valley. It seems the further south you go, the better the courses become, and once you hit Singapore, everything goes down hill. It’s sort of like the food you know. Well, to be fair, Singapore does have nice courses, but the price itself sets to to -10 on the gilameter.

Anyways, back to Malacca. It has always been our plan to play the big 4 in Malacca, by no means meaning the nicest, but the ones that we know: A Famosa, Ayer Keroh, Tiara Melaka and Orna. Tiara quickly became one of our top courses because of the superb way she handled herself during one of the worst downpours in the history of Malaysia. We haven’t played Famosa or Orna yet, so this time around, we head to Ayer Keroh, with its Par 5 18th stretching close to 600 meters, easily one of the longest hole in Malaysia. That’s about 650 yards! There’s another one at about 680 yards in Johor Palm Resort, but we wanted to see if we can slay this beast first. 650 yards! Seriously, the longest PGA tour hole is only 663 yards in Kapalua, Hawaii where they play the Mercedes Benz Championship to kick off the season. If we can slay this beast, then we are PGA tour ready!

Travel (2/5)

Traveling to Malacca will always, always be bad. There’s no other way around it. I don’t know who would find it fun to wake up at 5:30 am to catch am 8 am tee time. It’s crazy. Only golfers would do such idiotic things, and unfortunately we are golfers, the definition of idiots. Traveling is important in a sense, you need to get a good travel partner. You get a punk who sleeps and wakes up only when you reach, you might as well commit suicide on the road. Unbelievably, there are actually people who thinks that when they don’t drive and sit in front, they have the right to sleep. As long as you are in front, you exist for one single purpose in life: Keep the driver awake! Do whatever you can, feed him, tickle him, punch him…that’s the rule. If you can’t cut it, then stay home and play on your putting mat.

Thankfully, our group of golfers recognize the law and we had good conversation on the way there.

Take the north south highway (by now, please don’t ask me how to do it, you should be doing that in your sleep). Head towards Johor. Pass Seremban and you will soon be in Malacca. On the way, you might want stop at the Nilai rest stop for nasi lemak, Malaysia’s answer to pancakes, jam and bread and all the boring stuff you read in Enid Blyton’s book. Sambal rocks!

You will hit the Ayer Keroh exit. Take that and travel a bit more into Ayer Keroh. Now keep left, because Malaysian signs are very very intelligent. They are put right at the place you are supposed to turn off. Not anywhere in front to preempt you. Right at the turning, there is a sign. And to make it worst, it will always be covered by trees. So look for the white sign that says ER ROH OLF RSE and turn left. From there, just follow the road and you will be greeted with a beautiful sign saying Ayer Keroh Golf Course. Welcome!

The best map I find consist of all Malacca Courses together:malaccamap.jpg

Price (2/5)

Another thing to like about Malacca courses is that it’s not that expensive. The green fees and buggy was only about 50RM on a weekday. The only issue is that Ayer Keroh is afflicted with what we call Force-Me-A-Caddy policy. This is where for no apparent reason, they make it mandatory for your flight to have a caddy, despite any protestations you might have. Air Keroh loses more points because not only do they force you one caddy, they force you two! The reasoning is that there should be one for each buggy. So we ended paying RM60, which is still plenty reasonable for a golf course that’s quite good. Still, we don’t like to be forced to do something, eventhough in the long run, we know its for our own good. I mean which child likes to eat their greens, right? We all hate asparagus even though we know (or at least our moms tell us) that it’s good for health. Caddies are like our asparagus. We hate ‘em, but we need ‘em.

First thoughts

A wide fairway awaited us at the first tee. Unfortunately, it’s right next to the buggy station. I’m serious. The first tee off will be observed by EVEYRONE waiting for their buggy. There was a loud mouthed tout in front hurrying us up and telling us we’re not going to reach the green. I am usually reasonably confident heading to the first green, and I am quite confident that I can blast the ball pretty far. But upon his prodding, I stepped up.

I’d like to think it was the 2 hours drive and the lack of warm up. I’d like to think my muscles were tight in the early morning and stepping up to the tee without any stretching was probably not the best way to do it. Whatever the case was, I badly topped my ball about 30 meters in front of everyone, something I have not done before in a long, long, long time.

I made amends on my second, putting my hybrid close to the green, but completely skull my third into the pond, chipped my fifth and one putted for a double bogey start.

I usually recover reasonably after a bad start, but for some reason, this morning, it all went down hill.

Perhaps I’m just not cut out for golf long distance.

Service (3/5)

Ayer Keroh dodged a bullet here. While registration was quick and good, and the course conditions better than expected, they put a newbie caddy on my buggy. Now, we’ve already had an entrancing experience with lousy caddies in Seri Selangor and Impian, so we definitely do not need another experience here. Unfortunately, we seem to have a knack of attracting crappy (and not even remotely pleasant looking) caddies. This one was brand new out of Sumatra, just 3 weeks on the job and completely clueless on how to be a caddy. She couldn’t find any balls, she didn’t know when to get down, or who to help and we had to instruct her. Frankly, I suspect she just wanted to get some fresh air by hanging at the back of our buggy. My big mistake was telling her to make sure I had all my clubs after every hole and not missing anything. She ended up counting them almost every single time we looked at her. Come on! Look for balls! Another annoying thing was that she would declare the ball as gone or in the water but it hasn’t actually gone in. She was just plain lazy to look for it. And everytime I asked her if there was a hazard in front or a bunker behind the green, she would give me the blank stare of death. You know, the way dead people will look…I haven’t really seen it actually happening, but why don’t dead people close their eyes when they die? Isn’t it natural to close your eyes since your muscles are all loosen?

Anyways, as lousy as our caddy was, the other caddy in the other buggy gets the award for Greatest Caddy in Malaysia. His name is Nan. It stands for Adnan I guess. In anyways, we just started calling him Adnan, whether he liked it or not, since Nan reminded us too much of the cheese naan we hunger for halfway through our round and can’t get. Next time you come to Ayer Keroh, ask for Nan as a caddy. You will never regret it. He dresses normally, a shirt and a cap and looks at me disdainfully when I asked him why wasn’t he in the yellow and red uniforms of the other caddies.

“I made in Malaysia,” he declares, implying that the MacDonald’s outfit only applies to foreign caddies.

Nan proved to be invaluable in finding balls. I think he saved us like a hundred balls collectively. He was so good that he was handling all four of us like it was stroll in the park for him. We would be searching with the lousy caddy at one spot, and he would simply point from the fairway at a spot like 50 metres away, in the trees, under the bush and says, “Bola.” Which means ball. From the fairway!!

Fu-yoh!!! How he knows??!?!

Yardage was perfect; and in the 16th par 3, I was out with my 6 iron and he shook his head, cigarette dangling from his mouth and said, 7 iron, front pin, back wind. I hit my 7 and landed 4 feet from the hole.

Fu-yoh!! How he knows??!!?

Trying to be smart and attempting to show that I can also play some golf, I disregarded his advice to putt for a left break and putted straight….and missed my birdie. Earlier I had also disregarded his advice and drove the par 5 6th instead of laying up. I nearly paid for it and escaped with a bogey but my other friend ended up in the hazard. If you don’t listen to Nan, you’re a dead man in Ayer Keroh.

He was also friendly, talked when spoken to, laughed at our jokes and basically wasn’t so anal like the caddies at KGNS, or as prejudiced as the caddy at Impian or as lazy as the ones at Seri Selangor. He cleaned the course dutifully; filling the graves we dug on the fairway, smoothing the sand, fixing our pitchmarks. He gave good advice and never showed off…humbly mentioning that he played here and there and could kick our ass if he wanted to. Of course, he said it very politely and we felt privileged that he would mention our collective asses as illustrations.

I’d love to give Ayer Keroh a 5 because of the legendary Nan, but the other caddy just got on our nerves too much, so a 3 is in order.

Fairways (4/5)

Frankly, we didn’t expect too much in terms of course conditions in Ayer Keroh. Someone mentioned it was a cow grass course, but I’m a little confused because it looks like semi Bermuda to me. I’ve played on cow grass courses before, and it ain’t nothing like this. I don’t know, maybe the Malacca cows are a different breed. In any case, it was a lot easier to hit than my old club at KRPM and the fairway was in fine condition. More than that, AKCC (that’s Ayer Keroh Country Club for you) offers some of the most demonic holes in Malaysia. The elevated 6th, where a perfect drive will land you in the jungle, and of course, the famous 18th, a breath taking 600 meter hole, where a huge fairway beckons you.

Greens (3/5)

I’m not sure if it’s just the weather but it seems that most of the courses we are playing currently have sandy greens. AKCC wasn’t so bad, but it was still a little too sandy for my liking. However, after putting like a drunk hedgehog in Seri Selangor, having slower greens certainly helped. Like most of the features in AKCC, the conditions are good, without being excellent; but in a functional sense.

Rough (3/5)

There is a mention in their website going like this:

Ayer Keroh has its fair share of bunkers and other obstacles at strategic places, but the course is notorious for the jungle that lines both sides of almost every fairway and unmercifully punishes each and every wayward shot. In AKCC – ” A ball lost IS indeed a ball lost”.

I’d like to add to that part: “Unless you have Nan as a caddy.” This guy found more lost balls in our flight than we have in our entire golfing career. There was one ball under a fallen tree. How in blue tarnation did he find it? He was starting to scare us. He must be an alien creature bred specifically to find lost balls. The rough didn’t play as much part as we would think: the idea was to hit the fairways as much as possible and most of AKCC’s fairways are nice and broad, without extreme elevation like Seri Selangor or Bukit Unggul. It plays fairly flat except for a few holes, and those that have doglegs provide plenty of landing space for wayward shots. Of course, if it does hit into the forest, you are dead. But hey, we’re experienced golfers who have played Datai, Bukit Unggul and that nameless course in Seremban 3, and if we can negotiate that, we can this. At the end we still have Nan the Legend to bail us out.

Aesthetics (3/5)

I really think AKCC is a pretty course, just not as pretty as Palm Garden or Datai. It has a very open look to it, especially the magnificent 18th hole, a glorious ending hole, one of the best in Malaysia, simply for the length. The forests and tall trees give a sense of coolness which most Melaka courses have, and as we were walking down 11th, the breeze was blowing in our faces; we realize we don’t get any of this wind back in Klang Valley. The close proximity to the sea, as well as being next to a river helped the overall aesthetics of AKCC. It’s not drop dead gorgeous, but it’s definitely worth the long drive down here.

Fun Factor (4/5)

I was far from playing my best game, I suppose I was a little pressured after the first nine of no pars. I was afraid that I came all the way here for another zero par experience like in Berjaya. I had a lot of chances, the obvious one on the 9th, where my drive nearly found the fronting the green and left me 90 metres in. I put it on but proceeded to 3 putt. The turn made no difference, as I nearly drove the 10th green, skulled my chip , two putted for bogey. I kinda recognize this wasn’t going to be my day. The 11th was a great drive but my second shot hit a small tree and caromed into the jungle, for a triple bogey.

My first par came on the 16th, thanks to Nan’s advice, another bogey and the last hole was where the fun was max. The 600 metre monster needs to be slayed. From the tee box you can just see a white speck in a distance. The flag.

A good drive set me up for a 3 wood. I hit it flush and you know what, I still had about 155 meters to the green! My 6 iron was fat but AKCC finally gave me a break as my ball carried the front bunker by inches and landed on the green. I two putted for a par on the monster hole, did my patented fist pump that Tiger always copies. I might not have slayed the 18th, but I certainly tamed it for now, and after a long, long day of missed greens and missed putts, it was the most positive thing to bring home for me.

Plus, Nan was pretty impressed with my par, having told me even the pros struggle to par this hole. Alright, I impressed Nan the Legendary Caddy!

Conclusion

AKCC is a great course to play at. The conditions are great, the course matured, lending a coolness to it, and some of the most memorable par 5s can be found here. It’s also the longest course in Malaysia at 6400 m from the Blue; according to Asia Travel. I don’t know how truthful is that, but they sound quite professional, so even if it states that papadam is the national food of Malaysia, I’ll probably believe them.

The good: Great pseudo cowgrass fairways; pristine jungle is what Bukit Unggul advertises to be but is not; cooling matured course; undulation typical of Ghafar Baba (the guy who did KRPM) design; great challenge to slay the 18th for bragging rights and the Legend of Nan the Caddy is found here.

The bad: The long trip down south from KL; crappy secondary caddy; loud mouthed starter; forcing us to get 2 caddies and paying for it.

The skinny: 24 of 40 divots (60%). A definite recommendation and Malacca courses are 2 for 2 (as opposed to 0 of 3 for highland courses). Beginners or pea shooters will find it a bit more difficult due to the length but for those who can whack it, they will find AKCC a driver’s dream.

Ayer Keroh Score Card

ayerkeroh.jpg

Ayer Keroh Information

Address:

Km 14.5, Jalan Ayer Keroh
75750 Malacca
MALAYSIA

Contact: +606-2332000/2001

Fax: +606-2323578

Website: http://www.akcc.com.my/

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Seri Selangor Golf Club

Introduction

Every golfer in Malaysia knows Seri Selangor. It doesn’t matter even if you’re not from Selangor, you just kinda know it, the same reason how a beginner golfer knows his drive will slice but have no way to figure out how to fix the dang thing. Likewise, knowing Seri Selangor is one thing. Playing it is altogether another beast.

It’s not easy. Or at least, my past recollection of it consist of bloated scores the size of a kangaroo giving birth: 96,98,100, on a course measuring about 6300 meters. The thing about Seri Selangor is this: it’s laid out like Monterez but has unforgiveness like Bukit Unggul. Really. I’ll be frank. Monterez’s experience is like driving your car in a cramp parking space, requiring lots of precision and accuracy. You go off line, and you’re in the rough, or in another fairway, or somebody’s tee. In Seri Selangor, you’re either in the jungle, in the jungle or wait, did that ball make it….nope, it’s in the jungle.

So to Seri Selangor we go, advertised as home to the homeless golfer. Or more appropriately, home to the golfers who enjoy torturing themselves and sitting in a hot stove for long periods of time.

Travel (5/5)

I’m going to give it a 5 here. Nothing beats a course with easy accessibility. OK, frankly, I’ll be honest, it depends on the time. You wake up at 5 am, you go anywhere, it’s a breeze, because the entire Malaysian population gets up at 7 am and hits the road approximately at 7:15am. Also, if you’re headed during weekends, hey, it’s a breeze. I’ll warn you though: The jam can be pretty bad if you’re headed there during peak hours. Afternoon flights during weekends is dangerous, and we recommend the journey using the old Tropicana ‘tunnel’ road. I.e head towards Damansara Toll, take the left to Tropicana before the toll, follow the road all the way. You will pass Tropicana (and you will sigh, wishing you are playing there instead), head straight till you hit a traffic light. Go straight, and about 1.5 KM there is a right turning going to Seri Selangor.

An alternative is to head towards Ikea/Ikano, past One Utama. Take the Ikea turnoff and go straight all the way. You pass through Mutiara Damansara and you will soon hit a cross junction traffic lights where you turn left, and voila you are there. Unless you are a sadist who loves Traffic Jams, please avoid all attempt to use this road during Saturday or Sunday noon time. It is jammed beyond recognition.

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Price (3/5)

We played on a weekday and I still ended up paying almost RM75 for Seri Selangor. It’s 60 for the game and buggy and all that; but they force you to take a caddie, so we need to split about RM30 for the caddie, plus the nonsensical culture of tipping the same caddie. I really must go to the caddie union and ask them about this tipping concept. Malaysians are stingy by nature. Malaysian Golfers are even worse. We will mentally calculate how the exchange rate, how bursa is doing, what furniture we need to buy for our homes, how much petrol cost, how much insurance premium, how much tax, how much bonus etc etc and we collectively agree that any sum more than 2 ringgit 40 sen is way too much to tip.

Yet, we still have to fake our generosity and give. Hey, I’m gonna lose a dozen balls on your course, so tell me again why do I need to give you anything?

So overall, it’s a mid range price but we forgive it a little because it’s close by, and it is very humble in advertising itself as the home for homeless golfers. Shouldn’t food be free like the Salvation Army for homeless golfers too?

First thoughts

We had two groups to tee off, and its automatically fun. I believe the more people you know , the more fun you derive from golf. That’s why when I play a course alone, I feel like stabbing myself with the scorecard pencil-incidentally, have you ever wondered how much money the company that produce the score card pencil makes?-but when there is a group or 2 groups, man the fun factor goes up.

So anyways, there were some slight improvement in my swing, I was coming into Seri Selangor pretty confident on the back of scores of 91,91,91,86 for my first 4 games in 2008. My first drive was a thing of splendour and rarity; a straight shot down the left side of the fairway, about 260 meters, leaving me about 90 to a 350m green. I parred the first hole and reconsidered my options. Parring the first hole generally means two things: either you’re in it for a great game, or your game decides to close shop for the day and you play like a walnut in a nutcracker. For some mysterious reasons, I NEVER take the first option. This is as mysterious as the concept of caddie tiping. I double bogeyed 5 of the next 7 holes after that. Bolocks!

Service (2/5)

Frankly, the caddie sucked. Sorry, usually even lousy caddies, like the one in Impian, give a show of interest in the games of the players. Seri Selangor caddies, for some reason, really, really are disappointing. Here’s why:

1) The one we got is flat out lazy. I don’t know whether I should poke her with a electric baton or not. Observe this in the future: A good caddie who takes care of 4 people in a flight should ALWAYS attach him/herself to the poorest player. It makes sense. If your primary job scope is to look for balls, the beginner who slices into the foliage obviously requires help. Why do you insist of staying in the buggy of the better player (I am so proud to say I am the better player…relatively speaking of course, I still suck) and make a show of cleaning his clubs?

Caddie=LOOK FOR BALLS. Cleaning clubs come later. It’s a secondary job scope. Now get into that jungle and search, darn it!!!

2) A lazy caddie also doesn’t offer any advice but concurs with everything you say. Is this uphill? Ah, betul la. Is this break left? Ah betul, la. Is this slow, fast? Ah, sikit laju la. Do you want me to strangle you with my ball towel? Ok la.

3) A lazy caddie is also the last to get out of the buggy, and it’s like we hired some molasses. Frankly I have no idea what the dickens is a molass, but it sounds like a slow creature, so like molass, these caddies drift in and out of the course in a world of their own.

4) Finally, take your tip and say thank you. My other flight was given the angry look from their caddy when they tipped her 30 RM. She refused to take the bags from the buggy and just walked off, believing she’s entitled to more. Ever watched A Few Good Men and the part where Jack Nicholson says to Tom Cruise? If it was me, I would have said this:

“Caddy, we live in a world that has courses, and those courses have to be played by men with clubs. Whose gonna do it? You? You, caddy in the other buggy? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for your tip, and you curse the golfers. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That our slices and hooks into the jungle, while tragic, probably saved the fairway conditions. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves the course conditions. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at the clubhouse, you want me on that course, you need me on that course. We use words like OB, free drops, FORE. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent mishiting balls. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a caddy who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very registration fee that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a 7 iron, and play a course. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!”

At this point, the caddy would ask us: “Did you give me only 30 ringgit?”

“I played the course…”

“Did you give me only 30 ringgit??!” she shrieks.

“You’re goddamn right I did!!”

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And at this point the course marshals come and tells us to get off the course and never to come back to Seri Selangor again..

I give points to Seri Selangor, despite their caddies, for the quickness in which they gave me my Mee Mamak (I was in a rush). It took them only like 5 minutes, although it taste like rubber, it’s still very considerate of them to bump me up the queue.

Fairways (1/5)

There’s something very eerie about the fairway in Seri Selangor. From the tee box, you see a reasonably nice and green fairway enticing you to hit it. One thing about Seri Selangor that makes it the mother of all narrow courses, joining Monterez, Nilai Springs and Nameless course in Seremban as the Frightful Four (don’t you love these comic books names?). All the other courses has weaknesses to exploit, like Superman has kryptonite, Batman has Robin and Spiderman has Mary Jane. Monterez is short, the Par 3s are the frightful monsters but the par 5s can be reached for eagle; you can take a 5 wood to navigate it. Seremban 3, on a good weather, can play easier, we nearly died due to heat exhaustion and of course, Nilai Springs can be cut down with fairway hits and precise shots.

Seri Selangor, playing at 6266m is one of the longest courses we’ve played and the elevation on their par 4s don’t help much as well. The 10th hole is like threading needle to a pin and the 11th is likewise demanding. If you play safe with 3/5 wood, you have a far approach shot. If you bash it with your driver, your ball runs away into the forest as happened to me a few times.

And the fairway is sandy. The 17th played like a pile of dirt. The 18th is a dangerous Par 5 that can be reached in 2 but requires a good second shot that most likely ends up in the drink guarding the green.

For the other fairways that doesn’t look like they are sandy, they are. They have a very thin turf of grass on top, making you think you can take a nice divot. Once you hit it, your club slides under the sand and you end up lofting your silly ball 10 feet away. It’s deceiving so it’s paramount that you hit the ball first and not take a divot before. Play it like you’re playing from a sandtrap. For those of you who are thinking, “Sure, you’re supposed to do that anyway…”, well go to another review site for single handicappers and wise guys. This review is for the general hacker who struggles hitting the ball before the ground…viva le hackers!

Greens (4/5)

Ok, the greens. I HATE the greens. Hate it. Speed is about 8-9 on the dry day we played and it feels like we’re playing at Augusta, minus a million times the experience. What I’m saying is, we three putted, four putted our way into infamy. The greens were like rock. Granite rock. The last straw came on a par 4, where a perfect drive, and a perfect approach was stolen from me. I saw the ball hit the green and took such an amazing bounce, I couldn’t believe it. It was like I hit the buggy track! It went into the rough and we looked and looked and couple lousy rough with lousy caddie with lousy eyesight, I lost the DARN ball! And it was my titleist pro-V1x! Curse you, Seri Selangor!

Why am I still giving a 4? Well, it doesn’t mean that I hate it, it automatically gets a 0. I’m just saying the greens are darn tough. But at least they are consistent, well maintained and played slick. It offers a new experience than the easier greens that grab your balls and holds on to it. Golf balls, that is, what are you thinking? Goodness.

Rough (2/5)

The lost ball episode isn’t the fault of the greens which are played fast; the lost ball is due to the stupid rough. It’s muddy at places and leaves strewn around makes it extremely difficult to go around searching for a tiny white ball. I don’t see much maintenance on the rough, they like to advertise it as natural jungle and foliage but it’s just an excuse for them not to maintain it. Bunkers are only reasonably better.

Aesthetics (2/5)

Anyone who thinks Seri Selangor looks really good is like a village boy who never goes out to the other villages and other towns to see other girls. So he thinks the village maid in his village is the fairest of them all, even though she resembles a horse and is actually a man. No golfers in their sane mind would go, “Wow, Seri Selangor is such a beautiful course.” You most probably will get the resigned response: “Wah, damn hard la…” It’s something like UPM, not as woody though and offers some parallel fairways but with lesser elevation options. It’s just not beautiful, what can I say?

Fun Factor (3/5)

Of all review factors, I must say this one is the most subjective. I admit I was ready to destroy this course and never to step foot on it ever again when I lost my ball that landed on the green. It was that frustrating. I mean, I’m usually calm about these things but try to think of this: you hit a great shot and everyone sees you hit a great shot and when you walk up to the green, it ain’t there…you’ll flip!!

But golf is played over 18 holes. On the 9th hole, my drive flushed down the fairway almost 280 meters (well you count, it’s 390 m hole and I was a few meters way from the 100m marker). With my approach wedge, I hit to the right side of the green, opting not to challenge the bunker and the flag on the left. Actually, I have no idea about that, I just hit it, so it looks good that it looks like I intentionally hit the ‘fat’ side of the green. Cheh, wah, like real. Anyhoos, I saw the ball trickle left towards the flag but lost sight of it due to a mound that covered the hole from where I was. Another flightmate had hit on the green. As I approached the green, I saw one ball at the top of a rather steep contour that funneled down to the hole. I remember thinking, “How the heck did my ball stay up?”

I nearly marked that ball as mine then realize that it was my flight mate’s. So where the devil is my ball?!? Don’t tell me it rolled off into the blasted rough again! I was already in a tomahawk position with my wedge, and I plan to dig up the green in frustration.

Then I walked to the hole.

You know how in some par 3s you walk to the hole and you sort of tiptoe and peek into it instead of walking right up to it? It’s hope against hope that your ball is in there and it never is.

Imagine my reaction when I saw the beautiful logo of MAXFLI staring shyly back up at me from the hole. I’d imagine looking at my future baby when she comes out of my wife in the same manner (I obviously have not experience fatherhood, but please let me stay delusional). I shouted, screamed, whooped, did an Apache war dance around the green and pranced like an idiot calling down rain. It was like a ceremony. A 2 on a par 4! My third EAGLE, and my best!!

Strangely, my game improved after that and I played the back 9 at 7 over and broke 90 the first time on this course. What a difference an eagle makes.

Conclusion

Although it’s a course where people routinely curse and promise never to return, it has two pull factor: it’s easily accessible, and it’s a challenging course. I’ll be frank here, I don’t like Seri Selangor, never did. It never suited whatever miniscule amount of game I had. But you can’t fault the course. So if I were to detach my personal preference from the review, I’d say this is a course recommended. It has a superb location, reasonable pricing and a great , great 9th hole memory for me.

The good: Super accessibility; greens are slick and challenging; food is fast; price is reasonable; good training course for course management.

The bad: Crap rough and equally crap fairways; lousy and lazy caddies; not much of a looker; might be a wee bit long for the high handicap hacker

The skinny: 22 of 40 divots (55%). Due to its accessibility, it’s a recommended course, but make sure you bring lots of balls to tackle the toughest of the Frightful Four.

Seri Selangor Score Card

seriselangor.jpg

Seri Selangor Information

Address:

Persiaran Damansara Indah,
Off Persiaran Tropicana, Kota Damansara
Petaling Jaya 47410 Selangor

Contact: +603-78061111 / 1666

Fax: +603-78061777

Website: http://www.seriselangor.com.my/

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Selesa Hills Golf Resort

Introduction

After undergoing the debacle in Frasers and Berjaya Hills, it was not without some nervousness we approach our second last Highland Hope: Selesa Hills. Of course, I’m not sure if we’re ever going to try Awana ( I hope we shall), but Frasers and Berjaya are in the trash can now. I thought Selesa, being priced more expensive than Berjaya would offer something slightly better.

So dragging my normal group, we headed off early into the morning to Selesa, praying that it would be a better experience that the other Highland Trash Courses we’ve tried.

Travel (2/5)

Here’s the first news: It’s easier to access than Berjaya! All we need to do is to take the highway heading to Genting (from Kepong), past Batu Caves, past the Genting Tunnel. Eventually on the left, as you head towards Bukit Tinggi, you’ll see a group of hillside homes stacked together. That’s Selesa Hills. Selesa means Comfort in Malay. It’s a promising start.

Just slow down for a left turning and once you turn into Selesa, go straight past the homes entrance and 50 meters on, you’ll see a broken down sign to the right that states Selesa Golf. So much for a promising start.

selesamap.jpg

Price (1/5)

It’s RM60 for a Saturday Morning. That’s with AGN, so that’s pretty steep already, especially if you see the course that we end up at. Plus, it’s only for two turfmates. For four people. What the heck does the other two do? Apparently there was a mix up but I’m going to blast this during the review of their services. Price wise, I rather top up additional 30 RM and play somewhere in Monterez or Kinrara, that would be a lot nearer and probably a lot more worth it.

First thoughts

When I stepped out of the car, I just went like, “Oh, crap.”

You can tell a lot about the course just from the club house. The club house is like a dress. Now a classy girl always knows how to dress right. She might not be beautiful, but with a good dress sense, she can be pretty. The pretty can be bewitching. A clubhouse, a locker room, everything are not integral to the course, but it plays a part. So its that first impression, and as they say, the first impression counts, because that’s where you set your prejudices, your biasness.

Looking at the course we are biased for: Palm, Datai, Trops: they all had great club houses and facilities.

Selesa? Let’s just say, it makes Tuanku Jaafar looks like a palace.

It’s a little more than a hut, most likely built during the Paleolithic era, with its primitive use of wood and dried cow shit to be stuffed in between the cracks. Behind the counter, a Neanthedral huffs at us for money while weighing his club in the palms of his hand. Welcome back to the past.

We looked at each other and shook our heads. Even before the tee off, the fate of Selesa has been sealed. We just have to see how bad it actually is.

Service (-1/5)

Congratulations Selesa for being the second course that rates a -1 in service, aside from Tuanku Jaafar. Now why? We’ll tell you why.

I go up to the counter and say hey, we paid RM60 and expect each a turfmate. I don’t know if this is an AGN issue or Selesa issue. They say Turfmate twin sharing.

Have you seen a turfmate before?

How in heavens name are we supposed to twin share?!?

Then the locker room. It’s about as bad as Tuanku Jaafar, but much smaller, smellier and dirtier. It seems like I’m back at my school toilet, where we create stink bombs. The lockers also don’t work so we ended up taking all our bags into the shower room, that resembles somewhat the prison shower rooms, with cold water and a funny smelling glue they disguise as soap.

We’re willing to give it a 0 after all this. But at the 9th hole Par 5, I hit a drive that forced me to hit a recovery lay up shot. I was standing about 170 to the green, and found out from my other friend that there was a lake in front of the green and a carry of 160m was needed.

The marshal, a fat guy with a moustache that makes you want to yank and tie it over a flagpole (with him still there), rides up with his turfmate and tells us there’s a pond. OK, thanks, now get out of my sight.

“Use a 3 wood.” He says in Malay.

“What? How far to cross?”

“160m.”

“Are you crazy?” I took out my 5 iron.

“What you using?”

“5 iron.”

“Oh, definitely cannot, you must use 3 wood.”

At this point, I was this close to stuffing my 5 iron into his eye. I mean, if you were my caddy, fine. But this daft person rides up to me, never seen me swing and he tells me to use a 3 wood to carry 160 meters? And he says my 5 iron can’t carry? Is he just joking, or certified insane? Just because he has never seen any golfers that can do that (tells you about the class of crappy golfers at Selesa if I can be considered the best), doesn’t mean I can’t.

I ignored him and lets fly a 5 iron that sailed perfectly.

“Oh, that swing, sure can.” He says and rides off.

“Hey,” I shouted, “You never seen anyone who can play golf before, right?! You suck!”

I didn’t actually say the last word since I don’t know how to say it in Malay, but you get the point.

Selesa gets -1 for a stupid marshal who discourages people and gives wrong advice, then rides off in embarrassment when someone does well. How I wish I stuffed my 5 iron into his eye!!

Fairways (-1/5)

Congratulations, Selesa, you’re the first course that gets two negatives in one review.

The worst fairway in the whole world can be found here, in Selesa Hills Golf Course. Seriously. You allow turfmates to ride into a highland course, you’re just asking to be doomed. No other way. At one point, our turfmates got stuck in the mud in the fairway and we had to push while accelerating, creating deeper ruts in the fairway. Oh, the horror!

There’s really no difference between fairway and rough. The only difference is the fairway is harder. It’s filled with mud. It stinks. It’s damp. It’s just worse than a mess. It’s impossible to play it. In fact, I’m just going to put the pictures up and offer a moment of silence in light of HOW HORRENDOUS it is. Words cannot describe it.

Greens (0/5)

After going through the fairway, the greens improved to become a big fat ZERO. Why? Because the greens suck, that’s why. They are sanding it I think, or they are using the bunker as a temporary green, I don’t know. I just know that the amount of sand on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd hole was so bad, we concede any putts within 2 driver lengths. In fact, as long as you hit the green we’ll just give you one putt. Great job, Selesa!

Not all the greens were like that of course, some were at least in playable conditions. But come on, I know this is a cheap course that nobody sane should play again, but you still get a zero. We have no sympathy for clubs who has marshals who poke fun at players.

Rough (2/5)

Things started looking up finally. The rough is actually quite well kept and mowed down. In fact, the rough is better than the fairway. This is the first course in the world that rewards shots in the rough and penalize fairway hits. Imagine that. This is because it lets the ball sit up. But points are loss for the bunkers, which look like some surface from Mars or something. At this point we were just looking for something positive to say. Even if you had rats in the bunker, we’re going to say its good. We’re so numbed by lousiness that there’s nothing much to look forward to at this point.

Aesthetics (2/5)

By now, you know how much we hate this course with every beat of our heart. If it was a living organism, we would fill it with 7.62mm lead from an AK-47. Unfortunately we had to play 18 holes on it so we tried to make the best of it.

It’s really not a Highland Course. Because it’s at the foot hills of a hill. It should be called Selesa Foot Hills, or better still Selesa ‘My Foot!’ Hills, or simply Selesa ‘Crap’ Hills. They are all good names for this course. The first nine, if we ignore the greens and fairways and smell, is actually quite visually pleasing. It’s like Berjaya Hills but not as pretty. Jungle frames it and especially the par 3 fourth, it sits alone with jungle beyond, a very pretty hole for a lousy course.

Make the turn and it descends into being plain, boring and crappy again. The first nine is a like a girl before marriage. After the turn, it’s post marriage, she becomes lazy, fat and hideous. We still give it 2 because of the pre-marriage holes, and some enjoyment we had from there.

Fun Factor (1/5)

I think the body language of one of my partners say it all. At one stretch from 12th to 15th, he was just slapping his ball here and there like a nut. No life in his eyes, no response when we spoke to him, he was just out of it, like his mind was wandering in LaLa Land. He walked with a slouch and we had to poke him with an electric baton to wake him up. We were all just waiting for the ordeal called Selesa to end and release our souls.

But it still gets a point because:

1) The par 4s offers the drama of one on, which one of my friends actually achieved, on the 256m 5th hole. A perfect tee shot cut the dogleg and landed 12 feet from the hole, much like my Bangi One On achievement. He missed his eagle and birdied the hole

2) The guy who needed the electric baton, in the earlier holes was having a time of his life, when he birdied the 6th Par 3. He kind of went down hill from there.

3) The 8th is actually quite a scenic hole, with elevated tee shot into a peninsular landing area on the fairway. I recovered from the ravine for an amazing par. It was fun.

4) We got a free durian. Serious. One of the workers, probably out of pity that we were so depressed, gave us a free durian which we later opened and ate at the club house. It was pretty good.

Conclusion

Selesa joins in the ranks of Frasers as Absolutely, Astoundingly Crap golf courses and only the ultra desperate or the social outcasts and criminals will play again in this course. There’s no limit to how low it is; the fairways and greens are the worst in Malaysia, the whole experience makes us want to electrocute ourselves over and over again. The only plus point is that you can have lunch at Janda Baik or durians, to remove the stench this course leaves on our souls. Begone, Selesa and be banished forevermore!!

The good: The durians. If you’re a white guy, you’re out of luck. There’s nothing I can do for you except to tell you: Go with your heart, not with your nose. Durian is good…

The bad: Wow. Shall I continue my rant? No. Let’s just say EVERYTHING is bad, including the opinionated marshal.

The skinny: 6 of 40 divots (15%). Please don’t even think about this course. You’re better off standing in a driving range and have people hit their driver straight at you.

Selesa Hills Score Card

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Selesa Hills Information

Address:

18750,Bentong
Pahang Darul Makmur

Contact: +609-2330039/42

Fax: +609-2330066

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Tropicana Golf & Country Resort

Introduction

While I really doubt Gilagolf will ever be allowed to step foot into places like Sungai Long, Mines or Saujana (due to our irreverent way of describing and reviewing golf courses), another premier course entered our list, in addition to Clearwater, Palm Garden, Datai and KGNS. So far, no golf courses has reached the immortal status of the Gilameter, DAGTH (pronounced dak-the), short for Died and Gone to Heaven, the greatest accolade given to a course. The closest were Palm and Datai, falling just a point shy of the lower strata of DAGTH.

Enters Tropicana, a premier course, located in Petaling Jaya, considered one of the finest Malaysia has to offer in terms of course design and playability.

I’ve played there once before, and fared quite well, so when an invite came for us to have a go, we didn’t need to be asked twice.

Travel (5/5)

Immediately a 5. There’s no question asked. Prime spot, it took me only about 10 minutes to reach there. In fact, we would often go to the driving range to practice, so traveling is of no issue.

The easiest way there is to take the NKVE, headed to the Damansara toll. Right after the flyover to Bandar Utama, stay left and you’ll end up in the old road to Tropicana. From there, keep going straight, and turn right at the tee junction. You’ll go under a tunnel and right in front of you is the welcoming sight of the Tropicana archway. Beautiful.

Here’s a detailed map. Go ahead, click on it!

tropicana_map.jpg

Price (2/5)

Ah. This is where they lop of your head with an axe. Playing on a public holiday or weekends? Let’s skewer your throat over an open fire! RM190 for green fees. That’s the stab in your heart. RM25 for a twin sharing buggy (50 per buggy). That’s RM215 and a turn of the knife in your heart. Wait, there’s more. Just because we know you suck as a golfer, you’re forced to take a caddy at RM30. They’ve already taken out your heart with that. Lastly, you need to tip the darn caddie at least additional RM10, bringing your total to about RM230, RM240 over weekends. Don’t worry, we got a package!

At RM280!! We give you lunch and breakfast as well!

Who in the blue tarnation is going to be stupid enough to eat RM50 worth of food? Come on Tropicana, don’t be daft!!!

Did I pay that much? Nope. Someone was kind enough to bring me in for free, God bless his soul.

First thoughts

Morning dew covering the first tee, the sun peeking down on us, promising us a great day on a great course. Again, for goodness sakes, I pushed my tee shot right, but managed to recover for a one chip one putt for a par and we’re off.

First hole par means two things. One, you’re going to have one of your finest rounds ever. Two, you cannot take success and your subsequent holes will be filled with frustration and death. Guess which option I took?

The thing about playing on a public holiday is that the whole course gets jammed up. Tropicana, despite its premier status feels it more than the other courses like Rahman Putra. I don’t know why. Maybe too many rest stops is not good, because you get an idiotic uncle who wants to sit and eat.

Then, when you drive up, they quickly finish and run off to the tee box so they won’t let you through. In this way, we knew it was going to be long one.

Service (1/5)

You’d think a premier course like this would have great service right? Of course, everything expected is there; good maintenance, good facilities, easy check in. A small gripe is the loading area for golfers. We’re like sardines. There’s a small area where all the buggys are crammed into and all golfers jostle with each other like a market place. You’d think they come up with a smarter way to get golfers on the road. All it takes is one idiot who parks his buggy wrong and everyone is jammed up. It’s like the Malaysian highways who makes the roads so narrow despite having so much space. We just like our infrastructure and signs small and dainty you know.

My MAJOR gripe is the F&B. Sorry, if you say that food and beverages has nothing to do with the course, you tell the golfer who just crawled in at 12 noon looking for food and drink. You get him food and drink!!

My order took so long, I think my stomach gave up waiting and just started eating my own intestines. Serious. It took almost 45 minutes for my stupid Kueh teow to come.45 minutes! What’s up with the kitchen, man? An ominous 1, for a premier course, and gone with it hopes of being the first course with DAGTH status. Dang! Hurts me more than it hurts you, Tropicana. I thought you had a chance! Dang your service!

Fairways (5/5)

If you’re looking for a club who knows how to run their fairways, Trops gives the great lesson. I don’t believe I know of any other club offering such a great carpet of grass for us to hit from. It’s unfortunate I spent so little time on it. I hit a pathetic 4 fairways enroute to a 91, with 9 bogeys. But as the sun was shining down on the par 5 6th, it was just a brilliant picture to take. As the day wears on, the fairways got drier, firmer and it was just in superb condition. 5/5 definitely.

Greens (4/5)

Despite my par start, I had A LOT of problems with the greens. It wasn’t because they were slick or whatever, it was simply: what kind of speed is this? Some played fast, some slow, some medium: we just couldn’t get a grip on how to putt. I had 3 3 putts but it wasn’t the 3 putts that killed me. It was the missed par putts, when I was trying to get up and down. Statistically it’s 2 putts, but the short ones I missed for pars (at least 3) was enough to render me half crazy. I won’t say it’s entirely my fault for being a lousy putter, because the greens weren’t tip top as expected.

Rough (4/5)

I like the recovery options given by Trops. Now, it’s still a course that advocates OB (the mantra of the caddies are 50-50, boss). Amazingly, I don’t think I OBed any hole, although some were close. I struggled massively with my swing, trying to find the fairway but managed to pull myself together at the end for a good finish. If you’re not OBed, the recovery from bunkers and even the occasional water bank is possible. The bunkers are almost perfect except for a few holes that requires less bounce, more dig.

Aesthetics (4/5)

It’s very much like Palm, in a way it’s city pretty. That means that no matter how you look at the course, you know that it’s not exotic, it’s not filled with wildlife, it’s not natural. It’s like a beautiful English girl as opposed to a hot Latin woman. Both are beautiful; but the Latina like Catherine Zeta Jones or Jennifer Lopez are definitely a lot hotter than say, that chic that was in the Pirates of the Carribean. See, I can’t even remember her name. The one that looks like Winona Ryder. (Incidentally, what the heck happened to Winona Ryder?)

Memorable holes? For me, the 11th. Elevated tee box, my drive went almost 250m, soaring into the sky, seemingly never to fall back to earth. It’s also dangerous, because the 17th tee box is right at the 160-190m range for slicers. We almost killed a group there, our ball landing smack at where they were teeing off. An old white guy dressed in black, a’la Gary Player just stared at us, his face twisted in a frown even after I apologized. Get over it, old feller. Golf’s gonna be like this in our part of town. Or perhaps he’s just in a permanent catatonic stasis that sometimes people that age go into. Eat your vitamins while you’re young, little golfers!

Other than that, Hole 1 is a beautiful opening hole as well, requiring a carry and a lake on the left. The Par 3s are a little dull though, very much like Palm’s problem, so no perfect score here for Trops.

Fun Factor (4/5)

Struggling as massively as I was, it was hard to find fun. My putting was just tremendously off, at one time going 7 straight bogeys, missing a string of sitters that would have given me a whole lot of better score, and a prettier scorecard.

However things came together after missing another sitter on the 16th. A 12 footer curved in for par on the 17th and I yanked my tee shot so far left, it was flirting with OB. Just a foot away from OB, I was contemplating whether to go through the trees or punch out. At that point, I have already lost the little betting game we were having. Contrary to your expectations, I went the safe route and punched out to 130 – 135 meters to the flag.

Using my 9 iron, I stuffed the purest shot of the day. It started right and drew a little back in. It landed and practically danced around the hole before settling 15 inches from the cup. If there was a time where you want to shout ‘Get in the HOLE!’ This would have been the best time.

I started with a par, ended with a birdie. If we just closed our eyes to everything else between, hey, it was a pretty fun day in Tropicana.

Conclusion

If you have the money or someone offers to bring you in, Tropicana is a course you can never go wrong. The course is very well maintained, it is very easy to access, and it’s a guaranteed good fun. The pricing is always a pain point and unless you are Augusta, St Andrews or Pebble Beach, this will always be something we harp on. But looking beyond that, this is a course everyone should play, must play and will definitely enjoy playing. Go Trops!!

And oh, remember the golden rule of golf courses with 27 holes: Play 1st and 2nd nine; forget about the 3rd nine.

The good: Great conditions of green, fairways and rough; scenic holes built around mansions and wealthy township; easiest accessibility; guaranteed fun

The bad: Price makes you want to sell your own kidney; awful F&B services; loading bay is an accident waiting to happen; old white guys staring at you catatonically can be quite distressing.

The skinny: 29 of 40 divots (72.5%).

Tropicana Scorecard

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Tropicana Information

Address:
Jalan Kelab Tropicana,

47410 Petaling Jaya ,

Selangor, Malaysia

Contact: +603-78048888

Fax: +603-78043688

Website: http://www.tropicanagolf.com

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UPM Golf

Introduction

When you speak to a golfer from Malaysia and you mention the word “Combat Course”, there is a high probability that he or she will sigh and say, “UPM?”

UPM stands for University Putra Malaysia. It’s basically a university with a golf course. Yes, apparently this is a concept it took me a while to adjust. I would love to register for a uni with free access to a golf course. In fact, it’s not just a golf course, it’s complete with a driving range, a pro, and locker rooms and showers, just like any club!

I knew of this some time back, where my friend mentioned that in UPM, actual cows actually roam the fairways, like the legendary bisons over American Heartland. I’m like, holy cow, are they movable obstructions, loose impediments?

I’ve played it a few times and each time, I struggled mightily. The combat course is really what it says; you feel like you’re fighting it. It’s a course maintained by a university for crying out loud. What did you expect? Someone to give you a face towel on the back nine?

Travel (1/5)

There are several ways to the University and each ways are wrought with perils. Sorry, just had to say that, it sounds so cool. Anyways, the easiest coming from PJ/KL is to hit the north south highway (by now, this highway is so familiar to golfers, they should be dreaming about it and know every exit more than they know their own mother). Head south to Seremban till you see the UPM exit. This is the easiest. Take the loop, you’ll hit the UPM toll. Voila, you’re there, easy peasy. If you come from Putrajaya or Kajang side, head towards the SILK (or whatever the name of that highway is called), you know the one that heads you to Kajang and IOI mall. There is a turnoff to UPM, watch for it on the left. Immediate left after that and you’re there.

Here’s the best map I can find.

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Update:

I’ve downgraded this course significantly and will tell you why. The ONLY way into the golf course in UPM is via the SILK way, because that puts you immediately at the entrance with the golf course. I will state this clearly: If you come in via any entrance (including the one that I have cancelled above), YOU ARE DEAD. You will spend eternity circling this god forsaken university looking in vain for signs and asking in vain for directions. It took me 30 minutes of mindless driving to finally spot the golf course. There are a few reasons to this madness:

1) The insistence of UPM to not use signs. Everyone navigates by smell. They must have spent so much in building fancy facilities, that they only have RM150 left for all the signages in UPM. There will be NO signs pointing you to exit, to golf course, to toilet. The only signs there points to boring faculty buildings, no doubt filled with the living dead.

2) The sign fonts are so darn small, it’s impossible to read it. It’s senseless if you put up an unreadable signs. Why don’t just draw pictures like cavemen? It would definitely help more.

3) The directions given by students/faculty members/living dead are as vague as the signs. Or maybe my Bahasa sucks. They would say, go straight, turn left. I do that and suddenly I’m at a crossroad but there were no further instructions. What is this, some kind of Amazing Race crap? Did I miss a checkpoint or something?!?

4) I think it’s UPM strategy to increase their enrollment. You have no way to escape this campus because it’s so darn confusing and the signs are so darn useless, that you go insane and you enroll for life. Yay, now UPM has more students!

5) UPM refuses to set up the course “How to Make Road signs that are intelligible 101” for fear that people would actually escape their campus and their enrollment dwindle to their original number: 2.

Awful directions inside this university, possibly the most confusing labyrinth in the face of this earth.

Price (2/5)

You’d expect student price for a course like this, but I paid RM70 for a weekday rate. That’s because it’s RM30 for the green fees and RM40 for the buggy. If we had split the buggy, it would be RM50, which to me is quite reasonable. Given the course conditions (more of that later), we’re willing to give it an extra divot. RM50 is still a little steep for student pricing.

First thoughts

Now, we’ve played in UPM before. And we didn’t really enjoy it that much I recall. The last time I played 97, and not score any birdie/par. Sounds familiar? Yep, like Berjaya Hills. I know I was struggling with my swing and UPM is a course (especially the back 9) that severely punishes off line drives. And at 6271m, it’s not a pushover as well.

The good news was when we entered the campus, we saw banners everywhere that stated Annual Golf Open in UPM in 3 days. This means that we should expect some reasonable conditioning of the course at least! The best time to play, remember, is always before or after a competition. That way, the course is primed to its best. I recall playing KGNS old course after the National Amateur and nearly died. The rough was just impossible to play from and the greens were glass. I was four putting like a dodo bird flying into a propeller. I think the Stimpmeter was like, what 20?

It was just pure luck that we happened on a course right before their annual tournament, so we expect some good experience here.

Service (2/5)

Maintenance was being done on the course, although this is a little biased since we’re looking at a few days before the competition. Checking in was a breeze,a dn the guy at the counter was a very articulate fellow who spoke perfect English (it being a University and all). They don’t waste time with golf insurance, caddie fees and all that hocus pocus. You enter the new club house, you pay 30 bucks, you get out, you pay another 40 for the buggy and they pack you off. There’s no halfway huts, it’s just pure golf.

The one thing I have to nitpick on is this: I don’t know what is it with our government or education institutions that love SMALL SIGNS. I have very good arguments on this. I entered into their old clubhouse (it was never stated as old clubhouse), which was deserted except for two guys talking. They must have saw me coming in, but simply paid no attention as I scamper around looking for the changing room. There was a sign that said Men’s changing room, so I opened it and voila, I’m in a Surau. A Surau is a prayer room for the Malays. Holy place, you know, not where you want to be stepping in with your stinking golf shoe that hasn’t been washed since the last World War.

And there I saw it, in a small dark corner, a little A4 print out pasted on the wall (Only God knows who is it for, hidden away there). It’s like a treasure hunt clue: Go to New Clubhouse. And why the heck are those two guys ignoring me? Can’t they point me to the right direction? Am I like Bruce Willis and they don’t see dead people?!

The reason why I drag government institutions into this is easy. Try driving to Putrajaya, our administrative capital in Malaysia, the place where all ministry and government buildings reside. The signs are not just small, they are MINUTE. I have to slow down and nearly cause pile ups everytime I pass a darn sign because they cram everything into a small space that nobody but pedestrians can read. Do they think it’s dainty to have small signs or what? What the heck is going on?

Fairways (3/5)

Once we hit the course, there’s where it gets better. Well, at least for the first nine anyway. And I know this has a lot to do with the upcoming tournament. The first tee off is to a huge fairway-which, for once, I found with my tee shot, so I guess I am slowly improving-a reachable par 5, which I pushed my 3 wood but still parred it. It was a sunny day, so I didn’t expect it to be bad. It wasn’t, and UPM is a course where hitting fairways is your primary goal. It plays not that long, but some of the holes, notably the signature Par 5 16th requires a bomb to reach the ravine and then a carry. Grass was cut for the tournament so it was as best as it could be.

Greens (2/5)

I was tempted to give it a 4 after going through the first nine. Really, I thought I was playing in KGNS or Rahman Putra, because the fairways were great and the greens were just superb. I hit an approach to the 3rd and it spun back. To the 4th and 5th and the greens just gripped the ball. It was soft, it was receptive, it was un-UPM like, and more Impian-like. Most greens here are table top, so please don’t run low balls into the greens! It played slow though, probably due to the watering of the greens in the morning but I’d say, UPM greens on its best days, beats Impian greens on its worst. It’s like the plain Jane upstaging the Belle of the Ball who had a bad hair day. Hey, that happens.

But Jekyll and Hyde. Or rather, front nine and back nine.

As good as the front nine was, with newly paved buggy tracks, someone forgot to include the back nine in the budget. Back nine plays wild. It’s much much tougher, much more undulation and less maintained. I suspect the tournament is only for front nine, because once I hit the back 9, the greens were back to their sorry state. The 16th was sanded and unputtable. The 13th likewise. It’s a pity because the back 9 is much more enjoyable and more memorable, but I guess they haven’t got down to maintaining it. Now, this is more like the UPM we recall from our previous visits!

What a waste, so we just have to split that 4 into 2. Still, the front nine shows promise of what the greens in UPM can become!

Rough (2/5)

The rough is punishable by death…of your balls, that is. The front nine is quite benign, and reasonably allows you to score well even with crooked driving. Once you make the turn, it’s as if you’ve crossed the gateway into destruction. From Hole 10, to the narrow 12th, then to the long 13th, the 15th and 16th, you will be framed with jungle from all sides. I don’t know what’s a rainforest jungle doing in the middle of a university, but there you have it. Even the par 3s are inhumanly long: 183m, 171m, 154m (but plays to 160 since it’s a severe uphill) and the most scenic 17th, playing at 170m downhill, where I lost my 5 iron shot into the oblivion beyond. Even my six iron was over. Bollocks!

The downpoint were the bunkers. Probably they were a little too wet and packed, but it has always never been very well maintained. I suppose it being a University, there’s a course on ‘How to Make Good Bunkers 101′ as well as ‘Constantly Frustrate the Stupid Golfer Advanced Course’.

Aesthetics (2/5)

I’d like to give it a good score here but the honest truth is that, the course is just not pretty. It’s functional, yes, but the front nine plays very boringly, if there’s such a word, except for the 7th, which is quite a nice hole to look at. The back nine plays almost claustrophobicly, due to the framing of the jungle. We hardly get to see the whole course in one view and sometimes it plays like Datai Bay in a sense where every hole is self contained. But Datai Bay had the view. UPM doesn’t.

Fun Factor (3/5)

Despite of it all, we believe that UPM can offer a measure of fun, given the right conditions. Good weather is paramount. And before tournament conditions also help. The front nine could have been more exciting, but it more than makes it up with some of the most challenging holes you will never play in other courses. The par 4 13th is a driving hole over a massive ravine at the tee box. After that, you’re faced with the short 14th. A good tee shot places you about 50 meters away if it catches the slope, but the green is just demonic to putt on. The 15th is also severely undulated to an elevated green. But the 16th is the most fun to play. A good tee shot can catch two terraced slopes leading down to a landing area right before a huge ravine. From there, a risky 3 wood should give you a two on and a putt for eagle.

The ending hole is a par 5 where a slope runs your tee shot down to 3 wood range. You can eagle this as well.

Conclusion

I think we caught UPM on a good day. No doubt about it. The pre tournament conditioning worked well, but I’ve almost always never do well on this course. I’ll be the first to admit it’s no pushover, even for a university course, neither is it a pretty course. But if you can play the back nine reasonably well here, your game is pretty much ready to go.

The good: Good fairways, great greens on the front nine, memorable par 5s that will definitely be quite fun to play on the back nine, a functional course on a good day.

The bad: Lousy greens on the back nine, par 3s are long and except for one, not very scenic; price is a little looped out of a student budget; lousy bunkers; not a pretty looking course. Plus, 5 year olds can make better signs and give better directions than these so called university staff.

The skinny: 19 of 40 divots (47.5%). We caught UPM on its best day, so we’re recommending it. But take heed of the entrance and bring a flare gun in the event you get lost or have to fight off the living dead in UPM. Don’t blame us if you come out cursing the course and Gilagolf!

UPM Scorecard

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UPM Information

Address:

Unit Golf, Bahagian Pembangunan UPM,

43400 UPM Serdang, Selangor.

Contact: +603-8946 7996

Fax: +603-8943 3972

Website: http://www.upm.edu.my

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Kinrara Golf Club

Introduction

Before there was Bangi, there was Kinrara.

Meaning, that as a golf beginner, after haunting Bukit Beruntung and finding that it was so far and so lousy and that I have improved reasonably and can play golf without embarrassing my family name, a course much nearer and easier to access was chosen. And here, we have Kinrara, the course where most beginners can learn, and while it is quite challenging, especially the back nine, it’s still reasonably good to play on, without traveling to the ends of the earth.

We didn’t know which course to select for the Saturday morning weekend, that would be at least reasonably in terms of pricing: Selesa, Beruntung or Kinrara. At the end, as we needed to get home in the afternoon, the closer one was chosen.

The night before, torrential rain flooded the Klang Valley. I’ve played Kinrara a few times and I know that the drainage there was super….lousy. I recall holes where if we were to free drop on casual water, we’ll either be playing off the buggy track or the green. It was waterworld, Disney on ice, or whatever smart alecky term you want to think of.

So with much fear and trembling, we got up to a drenched morning and headed to Kinrara.

Travel (4/5)

One of the major plus point for Kinrara Golf Club is that travel is a breeze. Well, it depends on when you are going. If you took the day off on a working day, there might be a slight jam on the LDP, but most of the jam is going the other way. The best way from PJ is to head down the dreaded LDP to the Sunway toll. After the toll go straight all the way (don’t follow the flyover to Puchong or you are chopped meat). You’ll hit a trunk road and after a one km or so, you’ll see a flyover to Kinrara township. Take that and at the first traffic lights, turn left. Follow the road to a T junction and you’ll see the course in front of you. Turn right at the T junction and Kinrara Golf Club is going to be on your left.

To add more value for our limited readers; I’ll try my hardest to put maps into subsequent reviews as well as phone numbers of the club. Instead of just bashing the course with our intense criticism or loving it with our intense passion, we also want to be slightly useful in terms of course location and getting their contact. You’ll be amazed at how darn difficult it is to get information on Malaysian courses, like a simple map or number. Most of what we google are crappy golf sites that give only general and uninteresting information. Where’s the map? How do we get there? And why is the number no longer working? We believe information is power and in Gilagolf, in order for us to achieve our incredible goal of having at least 10 people reading the crap we write, I think value added services is in order. If we get our readership up to 100, we will even start arranging golf games for you and upon request, dance YMCA on the bar of your choice. We are all men, by the way, so please don’t expect too much from the dance.

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Price (3/5)

Another strong point about Kinrara is that it’s one of the most reasonably priced golf course that does not require you to go through horrible jams, or wake up so early that even the school bus aunty has not made her rounds yet. It charged us RM90 for weekend slot, prime time Saturday morning. On normal days, with AGN, we’re paying around RM55 for a tee off, which is very reasonable. The non AGN rates are also reasonable and we are always able to get a tee time in Kinrara. I suppose the reputation of Kinrara as a course that doesn’t have very good fairways deter people, since the traveling is pretty easy.

First thoughts

I’ve played Kinrara probably a dozen times in my short golfing career and it’s a course where you score well at. It’s by no means easy, as some of the par 5s play quite long and narrow, and the killer par 4 18th is a dramatic hole, representing one of the best ending hole I’ve played. Standing early morning in the back 9, faced with a par 5 tee off elevated; it’s a course that initially looks normal to you but as you continue to play it, it grows on you. By no means it’s a top tier course, as we shall soon find out; but due to the sentimental attachment to this course, we tend to be a little easier with it.

After all, after Bukit Beruntung turned into a pile of junk; this was the course I personally adopted when I was clubless.

Service (1/5)

Kinrara was never really big on service. I remember that their F&B is totally crap, and until today remains so. Slow to the point of actually moving backwards, the waiter would saunter slowly up requesting for our orders and take a few years before bringing it. I don’t know what is it with golf clubs and crappy F&B service. It’s as if all the lousiest waiters and waitresses in the world will congregate in golf clubs and collectively make life a living hell for golfers in need of water.

The thing I don’t like about Kinrara is the stupid food vouchers. There’s a fine print there that says vouchers not applicable for juices and coconut drinks, knowing full well that this, along with the soya bean cincau, is the staple drink for all golfers, much like zebra meat for lions. Unsuspecting idiots we were, we finished the round and asked how much for coconuts while putting down the vouchers on the table.

Now you as a waiter would be thinking: “They have a RM10 voucher on a table and asking for coconut drinks. Shall I inform them it is not valid or pretend to be a complete idiot and rub my hands in glee and let them fall into our trap?” No prize for guessing what he did.

Coconut drinks came and when we wanted to pay with the vouchers, he shook his head and said, “Not valid.” That must have given him as much satisfaction as Donald Trump derives when he bellows “YOU’RE FIRED!”. We looked at the fine print and cursed the day we thought coconuts were free and Kinrara was generous. We all paid, and to spite them, just to use up the vouchers, bought 6 cans of 100 plus (which we used in the next round in Tropicana).

We dislike being tricked (see our review of Tuanku Jaafar’s locker room keys incident). But due to the sentimental attachment, we are willing to give Kinrara a 1 in this.

Fairways (3/5)

Imagine going into the cinema and watching a show like ‘Enchanted’ with zero expectations and coming out of it quite pleased with the result. I mean the show still sucked, but it wasn’t as bad as you were prepared for. This is the opposite feeling of going into Star Wars Episode 1 thinking it was the greatest show on earth and coming out half dazed with its pure stupidity on every level. As well as renewed bloodlust to kill Jar Jar Binks and let him die a thousand deaths in the stomach of the Sarlac. Anyways, I quite liked the chipmunk in Enchanted, so I was reasonably surprised at how mildly entertaining it was. You gotta love that chipmunk.

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The fairways of Kinrara was our chipmunk. You go there expecting the worst and suddenly, even with the downpour the night before, the fairway was in great condition. I mean, relative to our expectation. It deserves our applause, because we’ve seen Kinrara at its crapiest and you can’t walk without wearing the Phua Chu Kang yellow boots as you wade through 18 holes. Right now, it’s like a different creature. Not super, but unexpectedly good. No plug balls. Limited casual water.

One look and you see maintenance workers working their butts off draining the fairways. An indication was the par 5 14th where the entire hazard on the right side was being dug up, and we saw water being drained from the adjacent fairways. They are hacking up the course and now it looks like crap aesthetically but it’s for the long run.

Greens (1/5)

As good as the fairways were, the greens totally blew away our happiness. I mean, it doesn’t make sense to excel in one thing and once we reach the green, we are like, what on earth is this? And earth is the right word, because even on the 10th green, there was this huge crater in the middle of the green. Serious. It’s as if a giant golfer with a golf ball the size of a bowling ball had teed up and left a gigantic pitch mark on the green. Who’s gonna fix this? Hello??

Green speed, green roll is totally zero. I gave up after a while and simply putted straight and watch it gather sand so that by the time it reaches the hole, the ball is twice its original size. Wow. Great job, Kinrara.

Rough (0/5)

And just when you think it can’t get any worse, we get hit by memories of Bukit Unggul, where the bunkers resemble some of the pictures we see from the Voyager in Mars. Or whatever the name of that little robot that they sent to Mars and got killed by Transformers. You guys watched the trailer right? No? Ok, anyways, the bunkers are crap.

Primary rough reasonably playable, and don’t forget the generous OB lines littering the course. However, it’s not as bad as Monterez or Nilai Springs. It would have been a 3 but we’re merciless if you have bunkers that scratches our precious clubs. Sorry, no sentimentality here. A big fat ZERO.

Aesthetics (2/5)

Kinrara is one of those courses where it’s neither here nor there. It’s good looking without being pretty, without being hideous. It’s like that girl who’s always been your friend, whom you never take a second look, but still find her inoffensive. It lacks the forest foliage that Bukit Unggul or Datai Bay has, it lacks the wide open fairways like Bukit Kemuning. It’s a split down the middle. In fact, we’re willing to overlook the hideous digs currently going on because of the drainage improvement it is causing.

However, points lost because of the workers. We’ve got workers walking all over the place. They are like the Augusta gallery. I’m sure they are there for the maintenance, but it’s quite disconcerting to walk to the green and you see a pack of foreign workers walking down the buggy track with their pitchforks and stuff and stopping to look at you while discussing, possibly about us, in their native tongue.

“You think this weird Chinese guy gonna sink his putt?”

“He stands funny. He won’t sink it.”

“OK, I’ll bet you for a pack of Marlboros.”

“OK. Here he goes.”

“Dammit! Stupid Chinese guy! May your ancestors curse you!”

At this point, I get a glare or a rude sign from them and they continue hiking onwards.

There are so many holes with workers. Don’t they have something better to do than walk around? And stop looking at my putts! I’m good! The greens suck! It’s not my fault!!

Fun Factor (4/5)

We usually have fun when we play well. In our flight, we are very very generous in our fun assessment. Even if I play like a pregnant cow drunk with alcohol, and our playing partner is doing well, we will all agree that the course is fun.

And boy did one of our guys do well.

It started with his back nine, going bogey on the first hole. And that too he missed a 3 footer for par. Then on the 2nd, he missed a 4 footer for birdie. On the 3rd, he stuffed his tee shot so close to the par 3 pin, we were willing to concede for birdie, but he wanted to hear the drop of the ball. Guess what, he pulled the 2 footer and settled for par. The fourth, he almost drove the green and curved a 7 footer in for his birdie. On the fifth, a superb downhill chip, and a tap in for par. On the 6th, he pulled his 5 footer for par and settled for bogey, ending his torrid 4 hole stretch. Next hole par 5, he recovered amazingly from a deep fairway bunker and one putted a 15 footer for birdie.

By this time, our little competition was over. I had 4 pars over 7 holes and still lost. He was even over 7, but could have been -4. Once the game was over, he lost it a bit and on the 8th hole, a perfect tee shot but he put his approach in the bunker. It was impossible to get it out because it was lying against the face with an overhanging lip that blocked the ball. Through some freak of luck, he pounded his ball and it came out. One chip, one putt for bogey and he is +1 over 8 holes.

He regulation on for the last hole and was probably doing a victory lap for the best round I’ve seen any of my playing partners play in 5 years of golf.

Unbelievably, he FOUR putted the last green for a double and a +3 39. Still a great score but it could have been -3. Pro golf standard.

He scored 53 on the first 9 by the way, so it was very much an average 92 score, but man, it was fun watching him beat the crap out of us.

Conclusion

It’s definitely a course that you can make a run like what my playing partner did. It sets up easy on the front nine but gets progressively harder, culminating the signature ending hole, a monster 403 meters par 4 that forces you to tee off over the trees and severely cut the dogleg right to get a chance of an iron into the green, to cross pond. You play it safe, you’ve got a 180m carry over a large hazard. A must play hole for any golfer.

The good: Good fairway drainage; easy access if non working day, reasonable price; one of the best ending holes you’ll ever get in Malaysia; course setup for a barrage of pars and birdies.

The bad: Greens and bunkers are extremely lousy, too many maintenance workers as gallery; bad F&B service that like to trick people, course lacks natural beauty and challenge, except for closing hole.

The skinny: 20 of 40 divots (50%). It’s a course that every golfer in Klang valley should try, just for the great 18th hole. We recommend it but stick to sunny days and when the course is fully ready, and the maintenance workers have all gone back to their homeland.

Kinrara Score Card

kinrara.jpg

Kinrara Information

Address:

Jalan Kinrara 6,

Bandar Kinrara,

47100 Puchong

Contact: +603-80762100

Fax: +603-80707822

Website: http://www.bandarkinrara.com.my/kgc/aboutus.htm

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Bukit Unggul Country Club

Introduction

Ok, this is one of the reasons why gilagolf site was setup. We find most golf reviews just extremely polite and untruthful about the course being reviewed. Face it, we are mediocre golfers, cursed to the very last breath to work on our swing, and fixing a slice and donating thousands of balls into the lakes and jungles in hundreds of courses. We’re never going to be in the PGA tour. We’re never going to beat Tiger unless he is 99 years old, half-blind and can paralysed from neck down. And by then I doubt any of us will even be alive. We’re never ever going to wear the green jacket in Augusta. Those are kid’s fantasies. Many people will say I give up my dreams too easily. Actually reality makes it easier to play golf and more enjoyable. I used to get really angry about my swing until this new philosophy settled in. Hey, you suck, anyway. The good shots are bonuses. Let’s all get along and have a good round of golf. And wouldn’t you know it: I got a whole lot better after that.

Anyways, back to Bukit Unggul. Here’s what the website says:

“Very few golf courses in Malaysia leave a lasting memory… Bukit Unggul Country Club is one of them. Craved into a 65-hectare valley, the par 71 5,858-metre long 18-hole course is a natural wonder created by renowned American architect, Ronald Fream. Golfers who play here for the first time instantly fall in love with each hole of varying character and challenge.”

This is like going up to a girl at a bar and saying: “Hi, I am so and so. I am very impressive, I have a good job, six figure salary and every girl says how wonderful I am and sing my praises. They instantly fall in love with me, I also have a 15 inch dongle. Please sleep with me.”

Seriously. Self promotion is no promotion. Actually, some girls might go for it; but you know, it ain’t the kind you want to get married to and live with. Your mom will disapprove.

More of it:

“Playing he (sic) hilly course demands patience and precise club selection. Here, a comprehensive fairway and green maintenance programme by the management ensures a satisfying round for golfers of all levels. Its undulating Bermuda Tifways fairways and tees, and true-rolling Tifdwarf greens exist harmoniously among a luch, majestic tropical rainforest to make play a true test of accuracy.

Bukit Unggul Country Club is simply an unforgettable experience.”

What the heck is luch? Rich you mean? Or lunch? What’s the key word here?

Spelling errors are sure signs of amateurish wrks. Who wold pozt ip something thjat dosent get run though the spll chcker frst?

We generally dislike courses that blow their own trumpet and cannot spell correctly. Please, let us be the judge of your so called unforgettable experience. Tsk.

Travel (1/5)

I’ve played more than 5 times at this place and each time I have no idea how to get there. It’s one of those courses that’s like a twilight zone experience. You’ve been there, you did something but it doesn’t leave any impression on you and you leave with absolutely nothing in your mind. Unforgettable experience? I can’t even remember the location of this dang place!

Easiest way is to take the North South Highway to Seremban and turn off at Bangi. You’ll immediately hit a big roundabout, so take a 3 from there. Follow the road and take a left at the T junction, a mosque would be in front of you. Now you’re on a little road with loads of holes so drive carefully. You’ll hit another T junction eventually, so take a right. Now you’re in a small road heading to Bangi. It’s quite windy and there are loads of trucks here. Look out for a right turning after the Nuclear Institute. It’s funny since there is a Nuclear and Atomic institute there, and these look like secondary school dormitories, that’s how advanced they look to me.

Anyway keep on that tiny road and eventually you’ll see Bukit Unggul on the left, after the driving school. From the Bangi toll, it took us about 15-20 minutes further into the rural area to get to the club. It’s like Kundang Lakes. Why do you need to make it so dang difficult to access??!

bktunggul.jpg

Price (4/5)

If there’s one thing Bukit Unggul does right, it’s the price. With AGN, we’re paying only about RM50 and that includes RM10 voucher for food (which sucks, and is really expensive, so don’t ever eat at Bukit Unggul!!). Even walk ins pay around RM70. The price for Saturday morning is steep though, but that’s prime time, so we expect to pay about RM150. They also don’t throw any caddies at you, which is very positive and why we like such golf clubs. As mentioned, the food is probably leftovers used to feed monkeys and giant lizards; but aside from that, pricing is almost as good as Bangi.

First thoughts

For some obscure reason (please refer to twilight zone experience mentioned above), I always thought Bukit Unggul played easy since it was a short course, on paper. Sitting at the clubhouse, the course is seen built inside a valley; not a mountain, or hill, as the name Bukit implies. It should be called Unggul Valley.

We teed up on the 10th, a scary looking par 5. As usual, I pushed the ball way out into the 18th fairway, played back onto the fairway and struggled to the green in 3. Surrounded by lush rainforest (LUSH! So that’s the key word! Well, that part of the advertisement is true!), any ball that hooks, slices is headed to an early death.

Now I know why this course plays so tough, despite its meager 5858m appearances. Many of the greens are elevated, or located far below the fairways; so judging the distance is a cracker. Also, this course delights in giving you doglegs after doglegs, so a solid drive, like the one I had on the 1st, will be sent into oblivion (in my case, almost killing the guys teeing off at the 3rd hole)

Service (2/5)

The F&B service was just massively slow. We ordered drinks and it took them aeons to deliver it. In fact, I think the waiter started a family and had kids and forced one of his kids to finally deliver the coconuts to us. Maintenance of the course was also non existent. No marshals were in sight and I was almost killed at the 5th, a drivable par 4. Balls were raining down from the 4th tee box, where slicers sliced OB into the green on the 5th. No amount of shouting helped. To cap it all, I was leaning on the sign depicting the 14th hole design and the whole thing tumbled down, nearly taking me with it.

Fairways (1/5)

Sorry, this gets a resounding 1 from gilagolf. Even on the first hole, we have evidence of golf’s eternal nemesis, the wild boar. I think that’s the whole problem with having a course built around the jungle. If there’s a lack of maintenance (a problem that Datai Bay did NOT have), generally you’ll face some holes that you just gotta let go. Berjaya Hills had that problem. Frasers Hill had that problem and now Bukit Unggul has the problem. That’s a given. What we cannot excuse is plain neglect on the fairways and bad drainage. It didn’t rain the day before but the ground was still soggy and on some holes, casual water was still there. I don’t want to know how it would be if it faced the rain Tiara Melaka faced. The fairway was also patchy, with just mud, in some instances, the grass was dead. It wasn’t all bad, at least the ball didn’t plug in like Berjaya Hills, but still, for a course that sees so much traffic, I’d think more effort should be involved in upkeeping this course.

Greens (2/5)

The greens are playable. Undulating, as expected for a course that dubs itself Bukit, meaning hills. Elevated greens makes it awesomely difficult to judge the distance. On the 8th, for instance, a solid drive found me about 140m away from the green, judging by the distance markers. A flush 7 iron should have gotten me there, but left me short. Seeing how stupid I am in chipping, I ended up with a bogey. Many more holes played different from the yardage and just confused the dickens out of me. The greens don’t hold, and was generally patchy but at least they were playable.

Rough (0/5)

Wayward balls are dead. I can’t say anything that would save it. From hole one to 18, slicers and hookers will be in for a hard time. The par 5 15th was butchered when I sent my tee shot into the woods. Forget the doglegs, don’t play it; it’s too risky to carve your ball around the hazards unless you are Tiger, which you are obviously not. If you are, hey Tiger, you rock. Why the heck are you reading all these stuff?

My other triple came on my final hole. I was playing solid golf for 8 holes then and was only 2 over. Darn, I pushed my ball into oblivion, and my second ball as well but managed to recover it, I was 5 on after that, and two putted. I thought I couldn’t break 90 but found out later it was a par 35 on the front, and that gave me a respectable 89. Hey Michelle Wie can shoot that number, so can I. Yes, I like to challenge 18 year old girls in golf. No, I don’t feel emasculated at all. Any more questions?

I don’t really have that much complains against the rough, my major grief is on the bunkers. This is by far, the worst bunker maintenance I have seen ever. Worse than Frasers, worse than Berjaya. Not only was the sand hard packed like your pavement, it was filled with stones and rocks. Not the small type, but the type that scratches and chips your wedges. Seriously, what the heck are they intending to do? Make us claim insurance for broken clubs? Some bunkers still had water, so obviously it wasn’t maintained at all. But rocky bunkers get an automatic 0 from us.

Aesthetics (4/5)

Like Berjaya, this is a bimbo course. Looks good on the outside, but crap from within. Anything built around tropical forests will look good. Any course sporting monkeys and giant lizards for wildlife will generally be appreciated. Bukit Unggul is pretty, although not mind blowing as Datai Bay. The lousy fairways detracts the looks abit but if you stood high up on the 4th hole and take a picture, it really really looks nice.

But as the old adage from your mother goes: “Looks ain’t everything, boy.” It certainly applied at Berjaya Hills, it certainly applies here. Listen to your mother, she is always right.

Fun Factor (2/5)

Even though I ran into a hot streak and started bombing my drives and getting to 2 over through 8 holes, it wasn’t as fun as I thought. This is a course that DEMANDS accurate tee shots. And it plays pretty long too. Don’t ask why. I don’t know how 5858m extended itself but looking down on the 8th hole valley that plays on paper 375, I drove as well as I could and still had 150m to go. I think the distance is screwed up. I don’t think I am so lousy in my drives, right? My flight mates were all struggling in the back nine as well, and there wasn’t much talking going on. I think we were all embroiled in our own internal frustrations.

So, let’s rewrite for these clueless marketing people at Bukit Unggul:

“Very few golf courses in Malaysia leave a lasting memory… Bukit Unggul Country Club is NOT one of them. Craved into a 65-hectare valley, the par 71 5,858-metre long 18-hole course is an unnatural piece of crap mutated by renowned American architect, Ronald Fream, who is also a suspect in the latest crime of defacing golf courses around the world. Golfers who play here for the first time instantly realize how screwed they are with each hole of wrong yardage and sadistic treelines that eat your balls. Golfballs, that is..”

“Playing he (sic) sadistic course demands a beretta 9mm and a precise shot to the head to end all misery. Here, a non existent fairway and green maintenance programme by the management ensures a muddy, dirty experience for all golfers, and especially for beginners, remind them just how lousy and useless they are and that they should stay home and curse the day they took up a golf club. Its un-maintained Bermuda Tifways fairways and tees, and bouncy Tifdwarf (do we actually give a darn what Tif actually is??!) greens exist harmoniously among a luch, majestic tropical rainforest, filled with wild boars and monkeys who will not hesitate to attack and kill golfers, simply to make play a true test of agony, like middle age torture, or wearing a corset at your crotch.

Bukit Unggul Country Club is simply an forgettable experience. However it will often return randomly as a nightmare that will revisit you night after night until your dying day.”

There, now that is what I call truthful advertising.

Butchering the last wasn’t fun, but the general consensus of the group is that it would be a long time before any of us come here again.

By which time, I would have completely forgotten any experience of this course. Or the way to it.

Conclusion

Given the price, it seems like a good candidate to be at least a middle tier golf course, but instead it scratches the very bottom of the middle class courses, where Gunung Raya and Cameron highlands congregate. It should be placed in the class of Monterez and Nilai but the looks couldn’t save it. Unggul could have played a lot better, but lousy fairways and greens and the worst bunkers in Malaysia turned out to be its undoing.

The good: It’s like a poor man’s Datai Bay in terms of looks; pricing is as good as it gets in prime spots in Malaysia; good place to hone your 3-wood tee off to manipulate doglegs.

The bad: Journey is like to the center of the earth, i.e it sucks; service for food is bad; rotting signs can kill golfers; so-so greens and bad fairways; possibly the worst maintained bunkers in Malaysia. If you’re in it, God bless your clubs. And balls.

The skinny: 16 of 40 divots (40%). It’s hard to put a ‘never’ at a club offering such a good price, but it is offsetted by the course and travel. Play only if you got nowhere else to go or forced to visit your mother-in-law, but trust me, it’s nothing like what the website writes it out to be. Go somewhere else if possible.

Bukit Unggul Score Card

bukitunggul.jpg

Bukit Unggul Information

Address:

Lot PT 2180, 2181 Mukim,
Dengkil Daerah Sepang,
Selangor.

Contact: +603-89202888/2188

Fax: +603-89267870/79

Website: http://www.bukitunggul.com

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Bangi Golf Resort

Introduction

If we had a home course for our group, Bangi Golf Resort would probably be the best candidate. Every golfer has what I call the orientation course. This is the course where as beginners, we would play most of our rounds. These courses are usually either very far away or very lousy; so as to minimize traffic and to save the embarrassment of a whiff or the ignominy of not crossing the ladies tee box on our drive. Mine was Bukit Beruntung, I hear that it completely sucks now. Most of my flight mates learned how to fly in Bukit Utama, the 9 hole course that nobody likes to play but everyone is forced to because of its location.

Then we have the hunting course. This is the course where we truly play golf. Where we learn how to read the greens, the doglegs, the course management. And for many of us, this is Bangi. Due to the reasonable location but more for the kick ass pricing, this course has given us some of the best memories of our otherwise tragic golf careers.

Travel (3/5)

bangi_map.jpg

Usually courses out of town is really a challenge in terms of accessibility. But around the Kajang district, we have a slew of courses that are top class: Impian, Kajang Hills, Palm Garden and Sungai Long. We know them as the four heavenly courses. Their little cousin is Bangi Golf Resort, a 27 hole golf course built around Equatorial Bangi. To get there, take the North South Highway headed to Seremban. Exit at Kajang, and after the toll, it forks three ways: Right to Cyberjaya, Middle to Bandar Baru Bangi and Left to Kajang. Take the middle and straight all the way. You will eventually reach a T junction at the end of the road and take a right. At the second lights, right after the petrol station, take a left, and a second to the right. There will be signs to point you in case you get lost. From PJ to the course is about 20 minutes, on a nice Sunday morning traffic.

Price (4/5)

This is really the main reason why many of us made Bangi our home course. For walk in for Sunday afternoons (non members), we paid about RM90 each. It used to be the same for mornings as well, in fact, cheaper at RM85 but I think there was a recent change. Before AGN, this was the most affordable course for us during the weekends. We spent many Sunday afternoons here, honing our drives, improving our putts and just progressing in terms of golf. With AGN, it gets better. We only pay RM70 for Sunday afternoons. In this region of good courses, Bangi can’t really measure up to the four heavenly courses, but as a cheap alternative with equally impressive maintenance, it’s a perfect course for intermediate players who are without clubs.

First thoughts

Seasoned golfers-you know you are seasoned when your skin color has 6 different tones-have the same impression on Bangi.

Easy.

Well it really depends how you play it. There are actually 5 tee boxes in Bangi: Gold, Black, Blue, White and Red so it really caters to all kinds of level. We usually play off Blue, mainly because for the other courses, Blue is typically the second toughest aside from tournament tees. However in Bangi, Blue actually plays as White and Black as Blue, in terms of difficulty and distance. Golfers being golfers, we are unable to adjust to the changes, and our preset minds cannot handle the sudden change in paradigm. That is why you see most golfers are really anal about their game: you have to wear certain colours, have a ball in the right pocket, must waggle twice, must have silence, must not have their shadows over the ball etc etc. Basically, golfers are just a bunch of mentally paralysed nutcases unable to operate outside of their comfort zone. Tee off at black tips? What, are you freaking nuts?!? I don’t care if that is really blue, it’s coloured black!!

At blue, Bangi plays the shortest: 5465m for the 1st and 2nd.

Important note: Playing Bangi, always play the first and second. It is the most scenic and nicest. The third is quite crappy aesthetically, although it does play ok if you don’t have a choice. For now, we will review our preferred 1st and 2nd nine.

This is by far, the shortest of all courses we have played on. In fact, from the black, it plays almost 500 meters longer. This has a 68.5 course rating, the lowest we find and a 122 slope, which plays tougher than Palm Garden. Actually, we have very little idea how those figures relate to our game, but we just want to make this review sound professional, see.

We also call this an asterix course. This means all great achievements in Bangi (and we will have them for sure) comes with an asterix. You birdied the 4th? Well, now, that’s great! Where? Bangi? Hmmm. I take it back. Eagle in Bangi? Meeh…You made out with a caddie on the 4th green? In Bangi? Caddie’s probably a dude…

It’s not truly a championship course, after all, it’s just a hunting ground for most aspiring golfers. The tutorial level before we head out into the big bad world.

Service (3/5)

As many times as we have played in Bangi, we have never really experienced the caddies. But check in is quite simple, as long as there is no queue, and the buggies are reasonably cared for. The plus point is really the food. It’s one of the better club food we have and by saying club food, we are comparing it with other golf clubs that usually serve ground nuts mixed with wild boar crap for sauce. It’s not superb, but at least, it’s edible and reasonably quick on the service.

The minus points are the guys at the locker rooms who would rush out to grab your shoes to wash and shine. Now, the first few times, I thought this was a great service, until I realize that when they returned the shoes to me, they weren’t expecting a thank you, which I would generously give them. Part of the service right? I was wondering why they threw me this dirty look. I realized after a few times, that those outstretched palms weren’t a foreign sign of gratitude or a request for high five.

As I said, we are not in a culture of tipping. If you wanna wash my stinking shoes, do it with dignity and not have something attached to it. I already paid. It’s called a golf fee at the counter. I don’t understand why I need to tip you to wash something I can wash at home. Will you zip my fly and ask me for a buck after that?

So after the game, walk straight to the locker and ignore all pleas, hand grabbing for your attention. Pretend to be either mute, or fake cardiac arrest. Whatever it is, don’t pass them your shoes. Well, ok, if you do and wish to be labeled the second most hated customer next to me, go ahead.

Fairways (4/5)

I like them. For a cheap course like Bangi, I always wonder how they could get the cash to maintain it as well as they do. Although my home course is Rahman Putra, my preferred turf is Bermuda, not cowgrass. It sits up, ready for you to blast the ball high into the green. I’ve played Bangi in all conditions available: soggy, damp, flooded, dry, baked, perfect; and so far, it has withstood the test. Sure, there are some drainage failures here and there but overall, the fairways are in great conditions.

Greens (3/5)

The greens are generally well contoured, with subtle breaks and consistent roll. It’s not tip top shape like Impian on its best days and your balls will probably not land and stick, as it plays harder, but it still adds a different challenge to the game. A well placed second shot to the front of the green can sometimes offer a more advantageous chip than a regulation with a lengthy putt. You can roll it pretty well on the fringe but the rough surrounding the fringe is pretty nasty and your balls can really get buried there if you’re not careful.

Rough (3/5)

The rough in Bangi comes in play a bit but from it, we still have a hope for recovery. Unlike courses built around a limited space like Monterez and Nilai, Bangi offers a good mixture of wide fairways and holes designed to punish wayward shots. Bunkers are generally well kept, if a little hard, so if there’s rain, dig it in with less bounce on your wedges.

Aesthetics (2/5)

Bangi has the misfortune of competing with the four heavenly courses: Sungai Long distinguishes itself by being a Nicklaus-designed course; Impian has top class greens and maintenance; Palm Garden is a hacker’s dream in terms of forgiveness and Kajang Hill is simply beautiful in its serenity. For Bangi, it had to find its own character and in that sense, it failed. The par 3s weren’t anything special; crossing lakes or hazards. The par 5s were simply too short; and it made us into heroes by attempting to two on from the blue tees. I’m not complaining obviously, but in terms of overall looks, it was simply quite normal and in this region of golf courses, normal ain’t gonna cut it.

Fun Factor (4/5)

Bangi is a fun course. Fun because the first nine has 3 par 5s. The first is a reachable one with a sharp dogleg almost 90 degree to the left. In one mighty stroke, you can cut the entire dogleg over the trees and land with an 8 – 9 iron distance for eagle. The second par 5 is also reachable with a good drive and roll; and a wood or long iron into the green guarded by two front bunkers. Finally the par 5 9th plays the easiest. An easy cut of the dog leg left will catch the hill and roll down. I was hitting a 9 iron into the green way below and hit a chip in for my first eagle there.

The second and third nine were more traditional, in a sense of regulation golf.

Possibly the most memorable par 4 is the 13th. It’s 260m to cross the pond onto the green, or you could go for a safer route to the left fairway where a long iron or wood would be enough.I took out my driver and blasted one of the best drive of my life, that floated high with little spin and landed on the green, one on, 12 feet away from a historical eagle.

In fact it was the most disappointing birdie I ever had. Why don’t we ever hit putts firm enough I will never know.

Conclusion

Bangi is like an old friend. There is already familiarity there since this was where we honed our skills (or lack thereof).We can always depend on how the fairways will be dry or how the greens will roll. Bangi always welcomes us with open arms and you’ll appreciate the shortness of the course if you are playing with beginners. It’s the perfect course to break in newbies to the game.

The good: Many challenging holes and opportunities for eagles; great price; generally good maintenance on fairways and greens, good balance between risk and reward.

The bad: Asterix course so my first eagle, my birdies and eventually my sub 80 round will be asterixed. Par 5s might play slightly too easy, even from the black tees; locker room boys haunting you for tips.

The skinny: 26 of 40 divots (65%). Bangi is easy to recommend to everyone, of any level. It’s a course that allows semi-newbies to have a taste of course life. Welcome to your lifelong prison called golf.

Bangi Score Card

bangi.jpg

Bangi Information

Address: No 1, Persiaran Bandar,
Bandar Baru Bangi,
43650 Selangor.

Contact: +603-89253728

Fax: +60389253726

Website:  http://www.equatorial.com/bng/

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Bukit Kemuning GCC

Introduction

This is a little known course located in Bukit Kemuning, often overshadowed by its more illustrious brother, Kota Permai. In fact, if it wasn’t listed in the AGN clubs, I wouldn’t know of its existence. I’ve played in Kota Permai before (the course they have the Volvo Masters for the Asian PGA tour), but it was just too darn expensive to try out a whacky swing. With a whole day free, we decided to head towards Bukit Kemuning Golf and Country Resort, with little expectations on how it would be.

Travel (4/5)

We have no idea that Kemuning was so close. I mean it wasn’t so close that you could cycle over from KL or PJ, but we were settling in for a long drive, and before you know it, bam, you’re at the club. We’ve concluded that all clubs that are located near the highways are easy to access, but there are some that requires additional traveling inside, like Bangi and Kajang Hills; and some that requires a whole lot of driving before we can reach it, like Bukit Unggul.

The best way is to use the Kesas Highway to Kemuning, via LDP. Instead of turning at the Kemuning interchange, go further and turn off at Bukit Rimau. First roundabout, take a 12 and the second roundabout take a 3 and voila you’re there. In fact, the trip to return home only took us 17 minutes flat.

Here’s the map for easier reference:

bukitkemuning.gif

Price (3/5)

We paid a reasonable RM50 ++ on a weekday, using out AGN cards. It does shoot up over the weekend to more than a 100 RM, and we were a little surprised at the pricing package. Honestly, we expected something like Kundang Lakes or something, but instead we got quite a nice course, and with the condition and maintenance, the price was fair, unlike the ridiculous sum of money we have to fork out to play in Berjaya Hills.

First thoughts

Honestly, we thought Bukit Kemuning was a poor pretender to Kota Permai. You usually have these so called inferiority complex courses; whenever you find a course next to a big name, they tend to be really crappy: case in point, Kundang Lakes: Crap; Rahman Putra: Good. Perangsang: Crap; Templers Park: Good. So there was a pleasant surprise when we drove up to the front of the club house and found it quite classy. Any clubhouse with a working fountain at the front is classy to us.

The surprise extended over to the easy registration, the clean lockers and once on the first tee, faced with a large tract of land for a fairway, we knew that this course would be fun to play on.

Service (1/5)

Here’s the golden rule. If there’s anything wrong with the course, or if it is in maintenance, you need to inform the customer. I mean it’s like renting a car and not telling them their indicator isn’t working. Or the front tyre is punctured, or you have a leak in the carburetor. I mean, wouldn’t the customer eventually find out? What’s the point of hiding?

No information about temporary greens was provided to us. That’s a minus.

Cramming 5 – 6 golf bags into a single cart like Tiara Melaka is not only stupid, it’s dangerous for the clubs and the driver. Come on, don’t be so darn lazy and make multiple trips to get our bags. Not taking out our bags for us shows us that this looks like a first class club with third class service.

Fairways (3/5)

First impressions go a long way. After the bad service encounter, we were pretty much in a ghoulish mood as we stepped onto the first tee. And then we smiled. Nothing is more welcoming than a huge fairway looking at you in your first tee shot. Well, waking up to French toast breakfast in bed is a close second. But broad fairways are first. Especially on the first tee off of the day. Predictably, I started the day with a big push into the next fairway, but this wasn’t Monterez or Berjaya Hills, so a second shot pitching wedge over the palm trees found me near the green for a bogey start.

We played in a slight drizzle but the fairways held up quite well, hardly any casual water. But mainly we liked the whole open concept golf course. It feels a lot better than courses that narrows everything down and have OB stakes all over the place; as if golf wasn’t so hard already. This course plays more like Palm Garden without the looks, in direct opposition to narrow courses that we have reviewed; aptly named the Terrible Trio: Nilai, Nameless Course in Seremban 3 and Monterez.

Greens (2/5)

I hate temp greens. In Tasik Puteri, we were given two holes with temporary greens but at least the club informed us at the registration. In Bukit Kemuning, they didn’t even bother telling us. They just sent us on our way to the first and second tee where we were hit with temp greens, and on top of that, the 10th also had temporary greens. Eventhough I birdied the 10th, it was an asterix birdie, as a solid drive found me just 20 meters away from the ‘green’. Obviously there is no roll on these greens. Even the real greens weren’t remarkable, but we were already put off by the three unannounced temporary greens, so obviously we are already biased against the greens. All the points this course got from the fairways, they offset it with their greens.

Rough (3/5)

Getting it into the rough isn’t punishable in this course. In fact, I had a lot of drives trickle out of the fairway to the rough and still managed to shoot regulation. There are a few holes bordered with OB but overall, it wasn’t challenging enough in a lot of holes where our drives couldn’t find the fairway. The sand was reasonably maintained but due to the rain, everything was typically hard packed.

Aesthetics (3/5)

Charming. That would be how we would describe it. Of course, we had the best weather possible for golf. Slight drizzle in the morning and an absolutely fantastic weather after that. Breezy, wasn’t too humid, I don’t know what people do if they don’t play golf in this weather. It’s not a beautiful course, but the wide fairways and slight elevation makes it a course you want to walk on, it makes you look forward to the holes that are about to come. It’s something in between the boringness and wideness of Tuanku Jaafar; and the sheer prettiness of Palm Garden. A little of both.

Memorable holes? The 10th forces you to hit a dogleg you can fly over the trees; and land less than 100 meters from the hole. Unfortunately, this hole was screwed up with the darn temporary greens.

Most of the holes sport runway fairways, named such that a 747 can land with space to spare. For some mystical reason, that small little white ball can’t seem to find it!!

I got a feeling the course plays really hot if we get caught in the sun, something like Gunung Raya or the Nameless course in Seremban.

Fun Factor (4/5)

After slogging through a series of misses in our golf tour, like Monterez, Nilai and Berjaya, coming back to open areas like Bukit Kemuning was like water in the desert. Don’t get me wrong, Bukit Kemuning isn’t superb or anything; there are a lot of things that could be wrong with the course, but we just caught it on a good weather day. The greens took away a bit of fun, but overall, any golfer of any level would find this course fun. It’s not sadistic, realizing that weekend hackers are not very comfortable playing championship material course; so it sort of dials down the hazards and the toughness. Don’t you love courses that condescends you?

Conclusion

It’s a course, when done, we all had something to talk about. Different levels of golfers can recall one or two or more memorable shots that we managed to pull off. This is why I think golfers are generally delusional and optimistic. Both characteristics go together. Delusion in their own skills and how they execute shots; and optimistic when the shot is NOT executed, that it would definitely be, in the next attempt. With the wide fairways and generous rough, and the course playing shorter due to the temp greens, Bukit Kemuning is definitely a course we want to come back again for another visit.
The good: Generous and well maintained fairways; easy accessibility, near to highway; course that doesn’t beat down the golfers too much; caters to golfers of all levels; reasonable pricing and aesthetics make it a course to return to.

The bad: Bad bad management doesn’t inform us of the temp greens; unchallenging rough; terrain is flat and mainly the same style; bad service, bad handling of our golf sets!

The skinny: 23 of 40 divots (57.5%). Recommended course to all levels. It plays easier than most courses, Bangi included, because of the flat terrain and vast fairways. Easy drive will definitely put you in a good mood before and after the game.

Bukit Kemuning Score Card

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Bukit Kemuning Information

Address:

Lot 6031, Batu 7, Bukit Kemuning
42450, Shah Alam, Selangor.

Contact: +603-51217188

Fax: +603-51216416

Website: http://www.bkgcr.com/