Dear Tiger,
Thank you.
After your ridiculous fall from grace, we continued supporting you. When your stock was as low as Enron, we supported you. When women after women came and said you were their kid’s father, even if the kid was white, with blue eyes and blonde hair, we stuck by you. When all your other supporters fell away, we stuck by you.
Suck it, Gillette. Consider yourself shaved off the books. Suck it, Gatorade, you’re all out of fizz. Suck it AT&T. You made a bad call. Suck it, Tag Heuer. Your timing is crap. Suck it, Golf Digest, you miss the deadline. Suck it Accenture, you guys are nothing but CON-SULTANs. And most of all, Suck a big one, Steve Williams, you are the world’s biggest loser. And sub-suck it Hank Haney, because you’re better of retired.
To Nike, even if they made you play lousy golf, at least they sabotaged Rory as well, so that you can once again be the king of the hill. EA Sports, your games are awful, but you stuck by Tiger, because your customers are all geeks anyway who wish to bang multiple pornstars. Rolex, you are a genius, to swing Tiger your way when Tag is so incredibly STUPID. Most of all, Kowa. You gave Tiger the sponsorship deal when everyone abandoned him.
And of course, thank you, Tiger for continuing on with Gilagolf’s sponsorship. Which is only sponsoring your sweater. When you play only on Mondays. And only when you are in the lead. And when it also happens that you will be number 1 if you win. And only if you sink a put 28 feet long. With a Nike Putter. And when you just got involved with another woman. Who is a skiier and not a pornstar. I think that about covers the conditions of our sponsorship with you.
You’ve made us all proud!