So…what the heck are glutes?

OK, I can bet my final dollar that this week, the word ‘glutes’ have been searched on google more times than the combination at all points of history since the internet began. Because, Tiger withdrew from Torrey Pines tournament, saying, he couldn’t activate his glutes.

It gave me a thought, well, actually two:

1) Tiger Woods is really, actually a robot. I’ve suspected as much. When you need to activate something, you are generally lumped as a machine. In this case, a machine that cannot activate its glutes.

2) Glutes. This generally means Ass. It sounds better than saying, I can’t activate my ass. Which is sure to generate a heck more ridicule and laughter than it is now. I don’t care what some of the health experts say, who support Tiger’s activating glutes statement: It’s just bollocks.

And I mean it in a serious way. This is the joker that went through the same course on a broken kneecap (I think) and couldn’t swing his club properly and still won the major. Of course, he was paired in the final round with Rocco Mediate, who, as much as he sounds like a pornstar, he’s actually not. He resembles a little chihuahua who happens to play lucky and reasonable golf. By any stretch of imagination, probably like a trishaw next to Tiger’s ferarri.

But he won it. And now you’re saying he’s quiting because he has pain in the ass? Come on, Tiger, let not your legacy be remembered for you quiting your final tournament because you could not activate your ass. It’s a horrifyingly humiliating end to the greatest golfer of all time. Whatever you need to do to activate your glutes, do so.

At least now I can make a new excuse for my common first hole screw ups: “Ai ya, sure hook one, because I cannot activate my glutes lah.”, and sure to be met by a stunned response of my flightmates at my amazing knowledge of golf gluteness.

I mean what does an activated ass look like anyway?

Are these activated glutes?


Now, I don’t know about Tiger, I think these are seriously activated glutes. I mean – sheesh. Definitely activated.

US Open Round 5

Ogilvy, Mahan and Jimenez.

Those were the 3 Gilagolf predicted would go the distance.  Obviously, we’ll need a second look at our GPE (Gilagolf Prediction Engine) and get this sorted out.

Ogilvy’s round ended on the back nine, with 3 bogeys, the worst, that short putt he missed on the 16th.

Mahan never got going, bogeying 2 in the first nine and 3 more coming in. So much for flame on.

Jimenez had the best chance to make a run, as he birdied 3 of the last 5 holes, but his bogeys on 2 par 5s were absolutely unforgiving.

What we got right, was Lee Westwood missing the putt that mattered most. It was the same jerky action he employed in round 3, when nervous, and he hit his putt much too slowly.

So now, Tiger vs Mediate?

Goliath vs David?

Ferrari vs Daihatsu?

The Hulk vs Wimpy Nerd in High School?

It looks like Tiger will be chomping down Rocco for breakfast, but here’s the deal, he’s injured. So the only thing that can make Rocco win, it’s if Tiger doesn’t make it tomorrow. GPE predicts, if Tiger actually shows up in Torrey Pines tomorrow, he will win. Rocco is just too overwhelmed, if he’s in the same group as Tiger. Rocco loves to chit chat, like Phil, but Tiger is just going to look at him and say, “Shut up, little man, and let’s play ball. I will destroy you.”

We generally won’t vote for Tiger and we’re all for the underdog, especially one that resembles us in so many ways, from the way he swings to the way he gyrates his body when he hit a bad shot, but we just can’t see Rocco’s adrenaline carrying him another 18 holes. We can, however, predict what will go on in his mind tonight:

“Oh crap, I’m playing with Tiger tomorrow. I’m so screwed. Will he mind if I steal his balls and glove for souvenirs?”

We wish it was Jimenez vs Tiger one on one, and then we’ll be rooting for the Spaniard.

US Open 2008 Champion Prediction

OK, here we go again, the second Major of the Year and guess who is in front?

For those who observed the 3rd round at Torrey Pines, CA, it was again another reason why we think that Tiger Woods is either:

a. A Secret Project of the US Government to create androids who are perfect. Observe Robocop for more details.

b. An alien who decided that Golf Channel was as interesting as watching tulips grow and was sick of balding, fat guys who can’t hit a simple draw or fade and who crack under pressure–and so it decided to disguise itself as a politically correct african, american, english, spanish, chinese, thai, middle eastern, eskimo golfer called Tiger who has neutral political and religious views and have a hot wife.

The stuff he pulled out in the round was absolutely ridiculous. In fact, the eagle he pulled at 13th, a 70 foot downhill driller that took 10 minutes to track to the hole, is the stuff of legends. The free throw pitch shot he stiffed at 17th was so fake, it makes us believe Shia Lebouf really swung with the monkeys in Indy 4. And the crazy putt that snaked in for another eagle on the 18th? Who recalls the Bay Hill putt he made? Who would have doubted this crazy alien would miss it? And with a bummed knee?

And so, the Gilagolf Prediction Engine predicts this year US Open winner to be:

Geoff Ogilvy.


Let us explain before going further.

Tiger was going through the GFA syndrome. The GFA is Grimace-For-Attention Syndrome, in practice since the Ming dynasty in ancient China, where soldiers would pretend to be injured to lull their enemies into complacency before challenging them to a one on one duel and making short work of them. Then they return home as heroes and honoured by the emperor who applaud them for bravery and skill despite the intolerable pain. Most golfers apply GFA. Your golf buddy who strolls up the first tee saying he hasn’t played for months, or he has a tweaked back, or wrist or yada yada. Everytime he hits a bad shot he would grimace and offer the excuse. If he hits a good one, he’d say he is lucky. In the end, he would beat the crap out of you and you would sympathise with him while giving him 100 bucks. This is fair play, it’s detailed under Sun Tzu Ancient Art of War.

So Tiger, obviously GFAing, gives us all the display of pain and suffering as he grimaces his way to the lead. Now, we’re not denying he has a bummed knee, but we’re just saying it’s not as bad as it looks, and it makes his opponents think he is beatable (cue Rory), and us thinking, aww, shucks he’s in pain and still stiffs a 350 yard drive. We are in our prime physically, with sculpted bodies and six packs and we shank the darn ball off the tee.

However, we predict his knee will give way sometime tonight and he’ll be ice packing it the whole night. So he’ll be walking with a slight limp tomorrow, and because of this, we’re going to have a look at the guys 5 strokes back of this injured Tiger and give our patented Gilagolf prediction to be either Flop, Challenge or Win.

1.Lee Westwood

Flop. Anyone seeing him miss that 5 feet birdie putt on 18 knows this dude cracks under pressure. Really. His putt was so bad, it reminded us of us. He was thinking, “Darn it, if I miss this putt, I’ll be in front, and Tiger may catch up. If I miss it, maybe Tiger will be paired with Rocco instead and I can stop peeing in my pants tonight. But I have to hit this….oh darn, I’ve hit it and it sucks and 200 million people saw it. I have lost my pride.” Plus, he is playing with Tiger, and for the first time will have more than 3 people watching him from his gallery, his wife and kids. And they will be secretly rooting for the alien/US project Robot.

2. Rocco Mediate

Flop. Anyone swinging like my 18 handicap golf buddy is going to flop in the final round of the pressure cooker called US Open. Seriously. There was a slow motion of Rocco’s follow through drive and it looks like he was undergoing colonscopy without anaesthethic.  He’s a goner.

3. DJ Trahan

Flop. We didn’t follow DJ much, but anyone with a name like this will not win the US Open.  The US Open’s secret policy is to allow only people with proper names to win. In fact, last year’s winner had the name Angel and they decided it was a little too sexually ambiguous so they made sure he didn’t make the cut. He got assasinated with a +13. We can be sure no DJs or KJs or VJs will be hoisting this baby anytime soon.

4. Geoff Ogilvy

Win. There are a lot of reasons why we like Geoff’s chances. He won this one before but it was an asterix. Phil, the perennial choker, gave Wing Foot to Geoff on a plate. So he has a chip on his shoulder. He wants to prove he deserves the major and that he’s not some kind of one time wonder like the Rich Beems, the David Howells, the Michael Campbells, the Ben Curtises and Shawn Micheels who don’t deserve to be called major champions but are anyway. And Geoff is a cool cat. He’s typical Aussie, very relaxed. Of course, Aussies are famous for playing well and cracking like a waffle under pressure, like Appleby, who choked his way in the 3rd round like an 18 handicaper and wish he could crawl into a hole like a wombat, and Adam Scott, who seems more interested in getting his lovely face in GQ mags, and of course, the most famous choker of all, Greg “The Nurse Shark” Norman. They usually don’t have the backbone to hold up to pressure, but Geoff has proven he has the stuff in him to win it. So, In Geoff We Trust and we predict that due to these reasons, and Tiger’s knees, Geoff will be the winner again and in one fell blow, do justice to the great land of Australia.

5. Robert Karlsson

Flop. Robert played like a nut in the first few holes with Tiger. Like Westwood, he is completely unused to having people actually watch him play and compare him to Tiger. It’s like comparing a 1986 Datsun 120Y with a Lambo Diablo. He knows that everyone watching him is going, “Why is this clown even here?” He might make a run here and there, but he has as much charisma as a piece of drifting wood in the blue Pacific that Torrey Pines overlooks, and for these reasons, the USGA will be assasinating his chances like how they did to Angel.

6. Miguel Jimenez

Challenge. Everyone loves a cigar chomping Spaniard that seems to have “You-don’t-like-me? I-Spit-on-your-family-graves-and-challenge-you-to-a-deathmatch!” written on his face. I mean, come on, seriously, without even needing to see him play, we already love the way he looks. He’s more likely to take a 7 iron and crush Tiger’s other knee than to give in and shatter like a Mickelson glass. He’s a pitbull, and he’s going to have a run at the title, but will be stopped by the Cool Cat from Aussie.

7. Robert Allenby

Flop. Another Aussie who plays really well but putts like us weekend hackers. He can’t putt to save his nuts. And on greens like Torrey, he doesn’t stand a chance in heck.

8. Camilio Villegas

Flop. Spiderman’s run will end. Is it us or does he hit his irons like us? He doesn’t have any follow through,and he falls back on his heels the way we do. The only difference is that his ball somehow magically gets to the pin while ours tracks out to OBland. True, his recovery is excellent, but in the final round, we predict his swing will fall apart and his only challenge will be against Adam Scott to be the most beautiful male golfer in Torrey Pines. Which might be more important than the US Open itself.

9. Hunter Mahan

Challenge. Have you seen Hunter Mahan play? This guy is a the streakiest dude in the whole world. Even more streaky than Gilagolf’s favourite player, Aaron Baddeley. Hunter Mahan’s swing is absolutely perfect, and the type that can hold up under pressure. Plus, he reminds us of another one of our favourite player, David Duval, when he wears his shades. We predict he will flame on during the round and challenge the Aussie Cat down the stretch. And what better headline on Monday with Tiger and Hunter’s face on the front page and titled “TIger Hunter-ed Down!”

So there you go, tune into the final round of US Open 2008 at Torrey Pines and get ready for the big show!

Gila golf out!