For those who have been following this blog faithfully (I can sense the dwindling enthusiasm due to my complete lack of updates), you would know for each of the major championship of golf in a calendar year, we (the Gilagolf team–we sound like a big group of editors and writers but so far I have only succeeded in recruiting my dog) will dust off our GPE – Gilagolf Prediction Engine – to predict who the winner is. For you heavy betters, so far, we’re a fat 0 out of 5 in terms of prediction, so umm, go easy with your millions first eh. We’re still tweaking it, it probably has as much chance of getting the prediction right as us hitting a golf ball at an elephant wearing a tutu.
I tried following the US open this year. I really did. But because of the delays and rain and stopped play, I ended up watching all my backlog DVDs starting from Chuck Norris, Missing In Action. At least I cleared that piece of crap up. But seriously, watching it on TV has been excruciating. And why do those two clowns (Andy North and the bald headed guy) keep talking? Why don’t they just show us whoever is out in the field?? Or at least catalog pictures of Morgan Pressel for us to see?
With the dust settled (or in this case, the water receeded), we’re left with a gangly bunch of fellows at the top of the leaderboard. GPE, here we go again…
Lucas Glover (-7)
Anyone with this kind of hairstyle will likely be assassinated before going up to take the US Open. That being said, from the way he has been playing, he seems to be the more steady one of the two leaders, so there might be a chance. We’re still going to say NO, based on the LHT (ludicrous hairstyle theory) rule of prediction, which states: “Anyone who pretends to be Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber will immediately lose his chance of winning a major championship.” Prediction: Bust, due to nasty hairdo.
Ricky Barnes (-7)
Never heard of him? Gilagolf has made a career in following unknown players over the years. Ricky was actually the guy that was once paired with Tiger in 2003 Masters where he beat Tiger (during the rounds he played) so he definitely has game. The fun thing about him is that he was once seen attacking a tree with his club due to his frustration. I mean how often do we ever get to see that, much less do it? Predicition: Bust, but likely will be caught chopping down a tree with 7 iron.
David Duval (-2)
You have no idea how long we have waited to see D2 on the leader board going into the final round. Sure his drives still suck here and there, but this is the longest he has been without screwing it all up. He has 15 more holes to go, and 99% he will be screwing it up, but we’ll root for him all the same..what a story he will make, and it will definitely make him jump over many of us in terms of world ranking. He’s currently ranked 1,123,452 in the world, behind a scottish terrier named Rufus. Prediction: Bust, but very likely to jump over Rufus in world ranking.
Ross Fisher (-2)
Remember how we once predicted this guy to lap the field? Well, here he is again. Will he win? No he won’t. His time will come, but I don’t think the Americans will ever let a Brit take away their national championship, right? It would be highly embarassing. It’s like allowing the Malaysian Open to be taken by guys from other countries…I mean, any country allowing that to happen has as much pride as the underneath of a toilet seat cover. Malaysia Boleh! Prediction: Bust, but he might win the British Open!
Phil Mickleson (-2)
Everyone wants Phil to win. I don’t know why. The only thing that is outstanding about him so far is his man boobs. Why does a guy with man boobs insist on wearing tight lycra? WHY?? It’s distracting and it throws our GPE out of whack. Jokes aside, what he has been doing this week has been pretty amazing, considering the personal issues he’s currently going through. He certainly has the game to pull it through, but he has always been a little weak in the mind. However, we think the field will give 2 – 3 strokes back and Phil might be able to claw back to win it. Prediction: WIN, but only for sentimental reasons.
Hunter Mahan (-2)
We always like Hunter. Because he’s such a cool cat, compared to Ricky Barnes. But imagine these two guys going head to head in the US Open just like the Amateur Open many years ago, which Ricky won. I’m sure Hunter is pretty sore about it and would want to avenge his defeat..that’d be a good story. Don’t think he’ll win it, but when he gets hot, he heats up in a hurry. Prediction: Bust, but likely to attack Ricky Barnes as Ricky attacks the trees.
Mike Weir (-1)
Not much chance for a guy who shot 64 in the first round and 74 in the 3rd. He’s also +1 over 3 holes in the final round, so he definitely doesn’t look like being in a good shape. And again, the Non American theory applies. Especially to Weir. Prediction: Bust, else America’s troops will start invading Canada.
Tiger Woods (E)
Tiger is just in here because we think his face is marketable. We also believe his name will garner more hits for our website. And of course, he has a knack of a comeback. If he can get to four under on the front nine, watch out for him. Prediction: Bust, but he’ll make a move, definitely. Else, we’ll just randomly use his name to get more website hits: Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods….