Gilagolf, aside from hacking unfortunate golf courses to pieces both literally and literaturely, will now include random ramblings of any golf subjects that crosses our minds (which is quite often), and can be written down without causing too much offence (which is quite often, the offence part, we mean), and that can be published without banning us from any golf courses (which is quite rare, the publishing part, we mean).
This is being written about 3 hours before the final group tees off in Augusta for the final round of the Masters 2008. For days, we’ve been running through our time tested Gila Prediction Theory (GPT) and with each round, we’re getting more and more excited about the results. Finally, we’re about the prove that the GPT is accurate and this is how we are going to prove it.
We first start by taking in past champions for five years. We believe any data older than that is not helpful, since equipment changes, diet changes, course changes and the general aging of the earth have caused such data to be obsoleted. The past five winners are as follows:
2003 – Mike Weir
2004 – Phil Mickelson
2005 – Tiger Woods
2006 – Phil Mickelson
2007 – Zach Johnson
I know there are some prediction techniques out there that calculate stats like GIR, Fairway hits, low score average, plane of attack, trajectory of ball flight, momentum of quantum weight shift and all that baloney. Forget ’em. They confuse everyone and has proven that they are too confusing even for the statisticians who devised them. GPT is simply based on one criteria of the past winners:
Hair.
If you notice from the mugshots above, starting from 2003, there is a distinctive pattern to be predicted in the Augusta Champions. Mike Wier kicked it all up when he won. This guy is really bald under that cap. He’s quite a good looking chap with the cap on though. Then in 2004, we all remembered Phil’s celebratory jump, that probably looked as if he was attempting to leap over a sheet of paper and failing. Look at Phil’s hair. Dang, that’s a lot of hair! 2005 was Tiger time, and we all know Tiger has been losing hair since he first picked up the club and sold his hair to the devil for giving him a mad, mad game.
You see the trend? Each year alternates between a hairy and a bald champion.
The very next year, Mr Lots of Hair came through and won again in 2006, since it was the year that a Hairy Champion would wear the green jacket. In 2007, this was a ‘bald’ year and I tell you, Zach Johnson’s hair is receding as fast as the beach water before a tsunami hits. This mug shot was probably taken in his school days when he was 12, but I assure you, his hair is gone, as much as Jim Furyk’s hair is gone.
So what does that leave us? A prediction of a Hairy Champion in 2008!
And here’s where we got excited, because while there were buzz about Furyk, Singh and of course Tiger winning in Augusta, we pshawed it, because they didn’t fit the GPT prediction! Instead we predicted Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els and Adam Scott. All three are of course toast bread by now. So we rescanned the GPT for predictions and expectedly, here’s how our final 2 pairing looks like:
It’s painfully obvious the third guy, Steve Flesch is NOT gonna win it. He has a head like an egg, and we predict by the first 9 before amen corner, he’s going to be scratching whatever hair remaining out.
Forget about Tiger or Cink. I mean look at Cink. Look at him. You cannot possibly tell me, with this new information you have, you’re gonna bet of a dude who looks like that. I like Poulter’s chances since he’s got a head full of hair. But he wears tight pants, which is bad, since that means he chokes a lot.
GPT predicts IAN POULTER to be the dark horse to play well in the last day but fall short due to his tight pants.
So that leaves us Immelman, Snedeker and Casey.
Immelman’s hair hasn’t been that great and with a balky putter, and the fact that he looks a little like Lorena Ochoa after he hits the ball, we’re not going to go for him.
Casey is a firebrand. He hates Americans and he intimidates everyone. He has game to back it up, not like Sergio, the mama’s boy. But unfortunately GPT does not select him because it would give Europe too much to gloat for (Ryder champs and Augusta Champs??! COME ON!!). It’s ok to balance the power, but if Europe wins too much, everyone will become like Colin Montgomerie and golf will likely be banned in Asian countries, since Doubtfire has a personal grudge against Asians like myself. So, sorry Paul, nothing personal, we just don’t like that fat white guy who picks on little Asians.
Which leaves us with Brandt Snedeker. With a mop like that on his head, he’s on track to win the Masters outright. Plus, we like his boy band face, and we like the way he putts, since he doesn’t delay over the ball (If God was playing behind Jim Furyk, He would probably have fried Furyk with a million thunderbolts for slow play). Snedeker reminds us of Aaron Baddeley, our all time favourite since he putts very quickly as well. Also, Snedeker sounds like Snead, which is good. And finally, most importantly, we like comical names that we don’t see elsewhere. Sne Dek Er sounds like a chinese name, obviously a major advantage to have. With such overwhelming evidence set before us, Gilagolf is therefore predicting:
BRANDT SNEDEKER TO WIN THE 2008 MASTERS AT AUGUSTA!!!