Glenmarie Roasting

Ah. Al Pacino’s Michael Corleone says: “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!”

Out and in here would mean OUT of shitty golf playing.

They here would mean the golfing Gods, or whichever deity is involved in this hopeless drama of pain and suffering called GOLF.

After playing some good golf (relatively speaking) over the weeks, I was pretty confident going into Glenamarie Valley this week. Remember we like Glenmarie. We just don’t like the caddies. I was just recovering from a terrible fever and food poisoning around 48 hours prior, but it’s not an excuse , because I would say, aside from feeling somewhat weak, I thought I was feeling fine overall to play.

We teed up in Hole 10, and today, we were behind complete buffoons who were so slow, they make glaciers look like the Starship Enterprise doing hyperspace.

Hole 10: Straight forward hole and technically should be easy – pulled my drive into the rough on left, a nine iron left me my worst possible shot. The bump and run chip. I proceeded to duff and plop for my third to the front of green. Long lag put and dropped my bogey (+1)

Hole 11: I can score on this damn hole! But I duck hook my drive to around 160m only. An 8-iron left me once more the same stupid bump and run requirement which I proceeded to duff and plop into the bunker. My fourth out of the bunker flew to the back, and two putted for my double bogey. (+3)

Hole 12: So this is the very long par 3 which I usually do not find an issue. But once more, I pulled my 5 iron way left and almost OB the damn thing. I found my ball deep in the rough, tried to muscle it out like Tiger and it plopped 5 feet a way and my third only found the green. Two putted for double. (+5).

Hole 13: Even though I aimed way right on this hole, my ball still insisted on going left and hooked into the rough. I hit a really good 6 iron from the rough. Really, from where I was I thought it was a great shot. When I saw where it landed, it was $hit. It was the bump and run chip/ too long to putt/ not in bunker shot. At this point, I was like an idiot scared $hitless about this shot and I decided to just use a 9-iron and channel the calmness of Phil Mickleson. The result? Duff and plop. So from hole 10-13, every hole I have duffed my damn chip shot, which a chipmunk blindfolded, and being roasted alive over boiling lava would still be able to execute without an issue. 4-on then, two putt for double bogey. (+7)

Hole 14: This should be my favourite par 5. It should be but by now, I was more demoralised than Manchester United in Champions League this year. I pulled my 5 iron into the woods, punched out, hit my 8-iron to 100m and 4-on with a gap wedge. 2 putted for a bogey. Not bad (+8)

Hole 15: So we cross over to the water par 3. PULL AGAIN!!! But this time there was luck. Instead of the water, the ball miraculously landed right at the edge of the fringe and stayed there. Instead of thanking God and taking the break, I duffed my chip again to the fringe and then two putted for a bogey. Stupid stupid Stupid. (+9)

Hole 16: This is by far the worst. I hit a pulled drive. It wasn’t bad. Really it wasn’t. Everyone thought it was fine. It landed just light on the left of the buggy track. Caddy said fine. Went there and nearly dug up the entire course looking for the bloody ball and couldn’t find it. It’s so frustrating. I hit my 4th over the green, 5 on, two putted for TRIPLE. (+12) If I wasn’t fuming on my game, I was truly ready to throw my entire bag into the water.

Hole 17: Apparently the toughest hole on the course. At this point, I changed my grip to be a lot more open because I gave up on my swing. Amazingly, I hit my first good drive of the day. First – straight, but not very long, but straight. It feels strange because it feels I am hitting the ball with an OPEN clubface and I feel that the ball will spin right. But it didn’t. It’s strange! So from the fairway for the first time in my life, I flighted in a 9 iron to the downhill green to about 10 feet and amazingly hit a birdie out of NOWHERE. Even my playing partners were stunned. It was like suddenly a chihuahua bit the balls of a pitpull that was in the process of eating its intestines. (+11)

Hole 18: The Par 5. Tested this strange grip again. Same result, short, ballooned drive, but straight. Second shot 5 wood wasn’t good but still landed on the rough around 110m away. Gap wedge into the green, two putted for a simple par. (+11)

At this point, we were halfway through our second frame sixers game. My first frame partner played like a squid and blew almost all holes, and we lost pretty big (5 balls) in the first frame. Annoyingly once he partnered with another guy, he proceeded to par all 3 of his first 3 partnership holes. I was staring daggers at him already and threatened to puncture his tyres later.

Hole 1: At this point, I thought my game was turning around. Thought. But the guys in front of us were playing so slow, we were growing roots and turning into plants waiting for them to play. They are horrible! So, tee off Hole 1, I reverted to my strong grip because so much water on the right and my new grip felt too open. Immediately pulled nearly into OB. I duffed my recovery into the water, dropped for my 4th and landed that near the green. Putted on for 5th, two putt for 7. (+14) To Make matters worse, that ex-partner of mine, had gone on to par this hole as well, so after playing +10 on the first 6 holes with me, he is actually playing even on the last 4 holes with another partner and racking up the fringes in the game.

Hole 2: Par 5, very easy. Pulled my drive to left, but hit a good 5 iron to around 80 meters. Overshot my 60 degrees to the back, and really, its an awful recovery to end with a bogey from my position. It’s so stupid. (+15). At this point, my ex-partner had duffed his third shot and he was off the green for his fourth and I thought finally, this train wreck can stop. No, he hit a ridiculously stupidly good bump and run that ran all the way into the hole for a birdie. What can you say?

Hole 3: Another relatively easy hole historically, at least. I hit a pulled hook into the woods, but knocked it out and had about 80m to the uphill green. For some strange reason, my 60 degrees came up very short and I had to putt off the green. Couldn’t get near the hole and bogeyed. (+16). The good news is finally, my ex-partner ended his par/birdie run with a double bogey. The stats: +10 with me for first 6 holes, +1 with the next guy on next 6 holes. Huh.

Hole 4: Par 3, easy nine iron to the middle of the green, two putt for par. (+16)

Hole 5: Tough par 5, but hit finally a good drive that stayed slightly on the left of fairway. Six iron was bad and skittered away, left with 130m or so. Gap wedge was slightly short to the fringe and two putted for bogey. (+17)

Hole 6: This is not an easy par 4. Its the one with the power lines to the left. I hit a fairly straight drive, but woefully weak and short. From the fairway, I fluffed my 6 iron into the green bunker and barely got it out with my third. I skulled my chip fourth shot to the other side of the green and two putted for a double (+19)

Hole 7: Ah. The signature L-shape hole. My 5 iron was very short and badly hit. It left me an awkward stance for my second in the rough and predictably I managed to hit a magnificent second shot into the water. Dropped for 4, hit it on the green barely and two putted for double. (+21)

Hole 8: Par 3 and really NOT.FEELING.IT. Still opted for my 5-iron and like an idiot, blundered my shot into the left rough about 40 meters from the green. At this point, I think my mates were starting to feel a little pity for me, like watching a dog die a slow death being rolled over by motorbikes over and over again. My 60 degree was too strong, went over, my shot back was too strong and ended up the front and finally put my 4th on and putted for double. (+23). Sigh.

Hole 9: I am just glad my suffering is over. Glad. I felt like dying. And at this point of “Frankly My Dear I don’t give a damn” moment, I hit finally a great drive. Not a shitty, halfbaked straight drive with the open club face, but the way I always hit my drive. Closed clubface, swinging like a caveman, killing the ball like Jack the Ripper drive. What? I was now 90m from a very elevated green, which I used a sandwedge to get myself up there. 8 feet downhill swaying putt? Yeah, drained the sucker for birdie to finish the round. (+22). In your face, stupid golf game.

Conclusion: I was just dog tired. All shots went left. Legs dead. Strength gone. It was a strange feeling but two birdies? I’ll take it and play again another day.

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