Rory vs David Duval

An interesting following up to the post yesterday: apparently, one of our favourite hacker of all time, David Duval had taken up tweeting about Rory’s lame ass excuse and simply gave what I already wrote the same spin…however, to the 17,000 followers he has, as opposed to the 12 I currently have. And that includes both my dead dogs.

Before we start, let’s just say David Duval knows this subject really well. The greatest in the world, reduced to nothing. It’s like watching Bane break Batman’s back over and over and over and over…and in David’s case, over again. He is the epitome of the Great Failure. And yet, through all the 85s, the 90s, the lost balls, the hooks, the embarrassing duffs and missed tap ins…the former world number 1 never quit. He took all the embarrassment and he summed it up in one sentence, transcending every single wisdom there was in golf:

“Bad days and bad scores are part of golf. Don’t tee off if your ego can’t take it.”

Obvious reference to Rory the Quitter. David was pretty candid and it’s very interesting how he tweeted about it, because this is a guy who was King once, like Rory, but collapsed so spectacularly that they have written his story down for Paranormal Activity 5.

His tweets are as follows, with true translation based on our understanding of Duval’s cryptic language:

“Always keep fighting and trying.” – “Please, Rory, stop bitching like a girl and play the damn game, you stupid, spoilt little twit!”

“You never know who came to watch you play that day. How far they drove or from where they flew. That’s part of why I never quit.” – “Rory, you are a piece of trash. Garbage. People like me would pay millions to be able to hit the ball like you. I never quit, except when I was injured, sick, tired, fat, lazy, sleepy or have to take my kids up from school, or chillax with my wife at the movies. You useless, toothless Quitter.”

“Illness or injury are the only reasons not to finish your round. As a pro you should always post your score. It’s your responsibility.” – “Toothache is an excuse 6 year old kids give when they want to skip school. You just got paid USD78 million to play the game, you Irish Imbecile. And yes, I want to see your pathetic score, then at least, I know I could have beaten you, for the first time in my entire life. Give me your DAMN score!!!”

“Bad days and bad scores are part of golf. Don’t tee off if your ego can’t take it.” – “Egoistical Imbecile.”

“I am not in any way digging on Rory. Please don’t take it that way. I believe he would finish if he could.” – “I got a call from Nike saying they are going to pull away my USD738 per year sponsorship deal if I don’t post this up. Utter bullshit.”

Ah, David, we love you so much. Keep hacking and please, for goodness sake, give us something to cheer about this year!

The Return (sort of) of David Duval

David Duval has always been the poster boy of gilagolf. Because he was so damn good when he was at his top, and he is now so damn lousy that our awe has frankly turned to pity. He’s still a hacker god to us, but you know, he’s probably a guy that has gone through what we’ve gone through: the humiliation of shanks, topped, duffed shots, more than he could account for. And you know how frustrated or angry we get because we know we can play better than how we played the last round? Like how generally my terrier gets angry when his shit is less large than his previous shit? Well, multiply that by a billion and we would get to probably 0.0000001% of what David Duval is going through. From the claret jug to the laughing stock. This is how far the mighty falls.

This year, it seems will be his 10th breakout year. Obviously he’s still delusional, which is why we love him as much as we can love a cuddly cactus. He’s so like us! Again, he has stated he wants to get back to PGA Tour. We believe that’s possible, with the same possibility that Dorchester Town Football Club can win the champions league. (It actually happened…in my Football Manager 2012 game). The great thing about it is (drumroll) David duval has a twitter account!! Follow it on @david59duval, which strangely has a picture of him at an American Football game, instead of golf. This probably shows that he’s only playing golf for the money I think, before the foreclosure of his home.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to get down on gilagolf’s boy, David. He’s my hero whether he’s a zero or not. He’s the reason why I wear Oakleys now, till the day I die. He’s one of the reason, besides the black dude, why I play golf, because I reckoned I could look cool like him and get me more chicks. But boy, has he been disappointing. It’s so tough to root for losers. I mean, I’ve done that for so many times, so I’m used to it. Juventus in Serie B. Liverpool now. Miami Heat during the Glen Rice, Alonzo Mourning eras. Tiger when he was playing like he had a badger up his butt. Federer when he F-bombed Murray on his way to lose another grand slam game. Lindsay Lohan, who looked hot and now look like a skank. The economy.

So many losers.

The problem with Duval is that he doesn’t seem driven to improve. Instead he tweets sorrowfully that he didn’t get invited (exempted) to the Humana Golf 2013 (previously Bob Hope, where he shot 59, and was 120 pounds lighter).

“So it’s official. I will not get a spot at the Humana.”
“I guess having the defining moment in the history if (sic) the event doesn’t matter.”

I mean, face it, DD, you are playing like crap. They have a better option giving your spot to Elmer Fudd, who doesn’t exist. So he probably won’t make the cut anyways.

We’re supportive of DD all the way, but instead of banging away on charity exemptions, play your way back into the game. Start from the bottom. Like Ty Tryon. It’s going to take a few years, but I guess there’s where Michael Campbell, Mike Weir and all these sad major champions are headed as well.

Go DD!

Will You Gamble on Tiger?

Ok, so we’re approaching the 112th US OPEN at the Olympic Club next week. A few short ones:

1) Tiger is back. Or is he? He’s been like the magic man, disappearing here and there, playing like a 20 handicapper, then from no where wins Arnie and Jack’s. Remember when he won Arnie’s and we said he would be in contention in Augusta. Nope, he played like a twit. It seems this new Tiger can’t really handle success as well as the old Tiger. Unless he wins a few in a row, my gamble is off him. It’d be safer to head over to Party Casino and try my luck there. We might have better odds, because trying to predict Tiger these days is like predicting how many times Lindsay Lohan is going to go to jail.

2) David Duval. Man, I miss him a lot. He just missed the qualifiers to the 2012 US Open. There doesn’t seem to be any way back for the man with the shades anymore, and I can only hope his career slides so much that he has to start playing at our local golf tournaments in KGNS so at least I can chill and take a photo with him. Man, I remember him in his glory days, gracing sports illustrated and looking like Perseus. Go DD!

3) Phil Mickleson is pissed. He texted the PGA commissioner to complain that too many people are using handphones on the course. Am I the only one who sees the irony here? Phil, come on, it’s just handphones. Dudes like Michael Jordan and Kobe has play basketball with this in their face:

As a sportsman, you should be trained to block off distractions, so stop being a crybaby Phil.

4) Young Guns: will we again be seeing musical chairs at world number 1? Rory is kinda crap right now, and Donald might be in a good spot to finally win his major and get his monkey off his back. What about Lee Westwood? Does Fats have it in him to break the duck?

So who will you be gambling on for next week’s US Open?

Golfing Doldrums

As some of you might know, Gilagolf hasn’t really been going out there to new courses to get new reviews in. In fact, I haven’t been going out there on any course, period. It obviously sucks to be working your butt off weekdays and weekends just to chase the almighty moolahs, but hey, it is what it is. Looking forward to year end.

So, entertainment has really been in the form of sitting around the couch flipping channels. The golf season has theoretically ended, the only question is whether our old friend Tiger can muster one win this season in the Chevron Challenge underway….he’s not bad, he’s actually leading, and even tweeted he had a nice drive on 18. What?? He’s actually engaging us, the low scum reptilian golfers! Is this the softer Tiger? Is he becoming a Pussy…cat?

Here’s just a run down of the top 5 interesting sports news to think about before year end comes and hopefully golf can begin again:-

1) Chevron Challenge – We’re really hoping that Tiger can win. Serious. I’m so sick and tired of seeing a non-american golfer up there. It’s been more than 72 hours of non-american arrogance at number 1. THAT HAS TO CHANGE!!! I can’t handle any more of seeing a fat world number 1 who is not John Daly! I can’t handle anymore of stupid Ian Poulter and Rory mcIlroy stupid tweets making fun of Tiger! Tiger, it’s time you wedgie these english wankers!

2) Still on golf – Could I be the only person in the entire planet who is extremely excited about Golf Season 2011 because of the return of: DAVID DUVAL?? Here’s a guy who was number 1, then went down to number 218,777,567th, just about 2 steps above my ranking, and now somehow by some luck is in the top 125 again!! We’re starting up a Duval tracker, that will track everything about Gilagolf’s most favourite golfer of all time, because he just looks so darn cool with the Oaks even though he now resembles something between John Daly and a Double Quarter Pounder Cheese Hamburger.

3) Miami Heat vs Cleveland Cavaliers – For those who met me, do not let my pudgy physique deceive you, I was once a very good basketballer in my hey days. I am a Miami Heat Fanatic since Timmy Hardaway cracked ankles with his Utep Two-Step Crossover, and went bonkers when they acquired Lebron James this season. Although they are playing sh*t so far, it’s good they blew Cleveland out of the building.

4) Juventus the Italian Idiots -My blood is black and white, and have been a Bianconeri fan since my umbilical was cut. But what a bunch of crap idiots to draw with a stupid team from Poland and crashing out of the greatest European championship ever, the famous Europa League. In fact, Champions League can go suck dirt. Perhaps in some ways, there’s a kinship of suffering between Liverpool and Juve. As much as you Scousers hate the Devils, we also hate the Nerazzuri, and wish them a thousand deaths in the hands of your former coach.

5) Malaysia lose 5 -1 to Indonesia – Ok mah. At least we score one goal lor….better than Real Madrid….