The Return (sort of) of David Duval

David Duval has always been the poster boy of gilagolf. Because he was so damn good when he was at his top, and he is now so damn lousy that our awe has frankly turned to pity. He’s still a hacker god to us, but you know, he’s probably a guy that has gone through what we’ve gone through: the humiliation of shanks, topped, duffed shots, more than he could account for. And you know how frustrated or angry we get because we know we can play better than how we played the last round? Like how generally my terrier gets angry when his shit is less large than his previous shit? Well, multiply that by a billion and we would get to probably 0.0000001% of what David Duval is going through. From the claret jug to the laughing stock. This is how far the mighty falls.

This year, it seems will be his 10th breakout year. Obviously he’s still delusional, which is why we love him as much as we can love a cuddly cactus. He’s so like us! Again, he has stated he wants to get back to PGA Tour. We believe that’s possible, with the same possibility that Dorchester Town Football Club can win the champions league. (It actually happened…in my Football Manager 2012 game). The great thing about it is (drumroll) David duval has a twitter account!! Follow it on @david59duval, which strangely has a picture of him at an American Football game, instead of golf. This probably shows that he’s only playing golf for the money I think, before the foreclosure of his home.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to get down on gilagolf’s boy, David. He’s my hero whether he’s a zero or not. He’s the reason why I wear Oakleys now, till the day I die. He’s one of the reason, besides the black dude, why I play golf, because I reckoned I could look cool like him and get me more chicks. But boy, has he been disappointing. It’s so tough to root for losers. I mean, I’ve done that for so many times, so I’m used to it. Juventus in Serie B. Liverpool now. Miami Heat during the Glen Rice, Alonzo Mourning eras. Tiger when he was playing like he had a badger up his butt. Federer when he F-bombed Murray on his way to lose another grand slam game. Lindsay Lohan, who looked hot and now look like a skank. The economy.

So many losers.

The problem with Duval is that he doesn’t seem driven to improve. Instead he tweets sorrowfully that he didn’t get invited (exempted) to the Humana Golf 2013 (previously Bob Hope, where he shot 59, and was 120 pounds lighter).

“So it’s official. I will not get a spot at the Humana.”
“I guess having the defining moment in the history if (sic) the event doesn’t matter.”

I mean, face it, DD, you are playing like crap. They have a better option giving your spot to Elmer Fudd, who doesn’t exist. So he probably won’t make the cut anyways.

We’re supportive of DD all the way, but instead of banging away on charity exemptions, play your way back into the game. Start from the bottom. Like Ty Tryon. It’s going to take a few years, but I guess there’s where Michael Campbell, Mike Weir and all these sad major champions are headed as well.

Go DD!