Tiger at the Masters – Eat my shorts, Hank

augsuta

It’s 3.45 am now and I am watching the first major since God knows when. Because of one guy. Tiger Woods.

Sure, this guy Jordan Speith is burning Augusta like he was born here.  He is probably gonna win it, barring an amazing disaster or self implosion like Rory. But. Who. Cares.

The biggest news is obviously Tiger not just making the cut, but currently shooting 4 under on the first 9 of moving day and moving into the top-10.

Eat my shorts, Hank Haney.

And the rest of this planet. Obviously, there was never in doubt about Tiger. I actually wrote a piece before the Masters Begun called My Prediction of Augusta – Tiger to almost Win it. I didn’t post it up because I didn’t finish it because my son just shit in his pants. Of course, I am not going to post it up, because people will say that’s a poser of an article and that I wrote it AFTER the second round.

The reason I wrote was simple – Tiger kills Augusta. He also will NOT come back if his game is messed up. And more than that, 3rd round, he is playing against Sergio Garcia, the racist who told him to eat fried chicken a few years back. (Fried chicken to african americans is a derogatory remark).

But let’s hold on for a while. He’s sitting at -6. Will he mess up the back 9? Probably. It’s still game rust.  He will probably bogey a few, and birdie a few and probably end the round at around 68 or 69. Which is still damn good for a guy who chipped like me.

Now. Hank Haney. This old dude. I read his book about Tiger called “The Big Miss”. Hank is a guy who typically cannot play golf, so he purportedly teaches it. He makes a crap load of predictions like this:

“In 2 trips to Augusta in 2010 before the Masters Tiger failed to break 80, finished 4th that yr, the 74 doesn’t scare me, the chipping does,”

Hank. You are beyond stupid. You are still talking smack about chipping of Tiger. He is beyond that. And stop making predictions. There is no risk to you. You make a wrong prediction, you say, “Aww, Tiger got lucky”. Your prediction becomes right, you say, “See, that’s why people pay me stupid money to make comments on golf swing that I know nothing about so I can see if I can score those pornstars that Tiger scored.” Hank is annoying. I wish he would just shut up and crawl back to whichever piece of rock he came out from before he trained Tiger.

OK, back to sleepless nights and watching Mr Woods. His putting still sucks, so watch MY prediction. He will mess abit the back 9 and finish around 68 or 69. He will end up top 10 this week. Gilagolf HAS SPOKEN! Up your heiney, Haney!

Dear Tiger

Dear Tiger,

Thank you.

After your ridiculous fall from grace, we continued supporting you. When your stock was as low as Enron, we supported you. When women after women came and said you were their kid’s father, even if the kid was white, with blue eyes and blonde hair, we stuck by you. When all your other supporters fell away, we stuck by you.

Suck it, Gillette. Consider yourself shaved off the books. Suck it, Gatorade, you’re all out of fizz. Suck it AT&T. You made a bad call. Suck it, Tag Heuer. Your timing is crap. Suck it, Golf Digest, you miss the deadline. Suck it Accenture, you guys are nothing but CON-SULTANs. And most of all, Suck a big one, Steve Williams, you are the world’s biggest loser. And sub-suck it Hank Haney, because you’re better of retired.

To Nike, even if they made you play lousy golf, at least they sabotaged Rory as well, so that you can once again be the king of the hill. EA Sports, your games are awful, but you stuck by Tiger, because your customers are all geeks anyway who wish to bang multiple pornstars. Rolex, you are a genius, to swing Tiger your way when Tag is so incredibly STUPID. Most of all, Kowa. You gave Tiger the sponsorship deal when everyone abandoned him.

And of course, thank you, Tiger for continuing on with Gilagolf’s sponsorship. Which is only sponsoring your sweater. When you play only on Mondays. And only when you are in the lead. And when it also happens that you will be number 1 if you win. And only if you sink a put 28 feet long. With a Nike Putter. And when you just got involved with another woman. Who is a skiier and not a pornstar. I think that about covers the conditions of our sponsorship with you.

You’ve made us all proud!

New Era of the Wacky World of Woods

We recall just a few weeks back, when faith in Woods was at an all time low. After failing in the last round time and again, it was getting very frustrating to stay up and watch him flail around like a hacker and then to wake up to go to work, in obviously thunderous mood. People snickered. They said he was finished. They are ready to pour their accolades onto the shoulder of a 23 year old punk with pubic hair on his head. Or onto a Justin Timberlake lookalike that has about the same number of fans as a block of charcoal in your neighbourhood grocery store. I mean, as I have mentioned time and time again, if Tiger fades away, golf would enter into an era that would make the dark ages look like Mardi Gras on steroids. It would be the END OF GOLF AS WE KNOW IT (or EOGAWKI–pronounced Eh-oh-ga-wi-ki).

And like a burst of sunlight, too intense to look into, yet too mesmerising to turn away, EOGAWKI was summarily dispersed with Tiger capturing his seventh (or his eight?) Arnold Palmer Trophy. I don’t really know what the details are, except that he played as he should be played, and although it wasn’t Mr Pubic Hair on the Head he defeated, it was his fellow country man, who looks like Hugh Jackman who ate too much pork and also got stunted in the process.

Now before we crown him again, we need to know that Tiger has literally been to golf’s equivalent to Mordor and back.

1) Humiliation of dropping out of the Top-50. Now he’s back to six. He’s still some ways from Charcoal Donald and Pubic McIlroy, but at least there’s finally a recognisable US name in the Top Ten. For months, US had to be content with an old guy by the name of Steve Stricker and Homer’s brother, Webb Simpson.

2) His douchebag of a caddy called him out and wanted to shove something up his “coloured” bleep-hole. Now his player, Adam Scott is lower than Woods in world ranking. Steve Williams now lives in a mobile caravan in fear of his life, as assassins from the Bronx, Bangkok, Japan and where ever the heck Tiger is from are out to get him. Take that, racist Steve Williams.

3) His equally douchebag of a coach has written a tell all book “The Big Miss”, depicting Tiger as an egomaniacal, power-crazy, selfish piece of crap for the past couple of years. When you’re bringing in a 100 Million a year, it does crazy stuff to you. Big Deal, Hank. But you gotta hand it to Hank…he claims everything about Tiger is about golf, yet tells a story of how fearful he was asking Tiger for a popsicle. How is that related to golf, Hank? Your popsicle? As in, really?

4) His hot wife beat him up over some text messages and divorced him. She has since destroyed their home in a fit of rage, and re-married and named the scum in her new pond Tiger Eldrick Woods…in case there’s some ambiguity. What do you expect? She’s a descendant from Erik the Red. Tiger probably now fears for his life, as she’s calling the God of Thunder to descend upon his newly built life and damn him to eternal purgatory.

5) I don’t know if Tiger still hangs out with the pornstars, but really, his taste in pornstars really really suck. I mean compare him to Martin Sheen, who also hung out with a pornstar, Tiger’s choice is like choosing a dead hamster over a Bugatti Veyron Super Sports. It’s a complete embarassment. At least now, hopefully he steers clear of pornstars and get his life back in shape.

Bugatti Veyron: Most Expensive Car in The World

OK, Tiger, winning once ain’t gonna cut it. You are not Jesper Parnevik. You are supposed to win. So get that Augusta and bring us back from the brink of EOGAWKI!!