Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part V

The second last installment of the Species of Golfers series.

9. The Cheat

The Cheat represents the lowest of the lowest scum of the darkside golf hierarchy. Unlike the doctors, who are masters of adjusting their scores; or the buayas who tries to adjust their scores, or even the cock-talker who destroys hackers with his incessant babbling: the cheater does what none of these darkside species do.

They cheat.

What does cheating comprise of? It means the intentional breaking of golf rules without anyone knowing or watching. It means that all self governance is out of the window. It means that golf has ceased being golf and has become what football is fast becoming, with all the diving and acting: a sport with such low moral integrity, it requires a referee to smack their cheating arses and constantly police them.

Golf is for adults. Adults who, despite their other¬†shenanigans on the course, would not resort to such low level, blatant disregard of golf rules. Face it, 99% of us ‘cheat’ in some ways, mostly high level pyschoing, or coughing on people’s backswing, or conveniently giving a wrong read to opponents like saying, “Wah, greens darn fast today” when it’s obvious it’s as slow as my grandma running a 100 meter dash. Without her walking stick.

But The Cheat? They are low level cheaters. Beware.

Characteristics: The Cheat basically does a few things suspicious. For instance, if he can always find his ball even when the entire planet has watched his ball sail three miles into the jungle. And he’s always the first guy running to his ball: this is a symptom, when he says, “No need to help me look for ball, sure can find!” and he ALWAYS does. And his ball is always nicely perched on the rough with a clear sight to the green! WHAT THE HE*L?? Or when he always runs to the ball before anyone can catch up with him.

Another method is he would hit a provision always to the general direction of his first OB ball, and when he finds his second, he declares the first. Always get the suspicious cheat to declare his ball, the brand, the number, and if possible, snap a photo of it, or sign your name on it. He’ll be pissed, but hey, he’s a suspect cheat.

Another method is that they are always first to the green. And magically, he places his marker 5 feet closer to the hole and no one can contest against it.

Another method is the convenient drop, where he will be looking for ball near the hazard and he’ll drop another ball and says, “WAH SO LUCKY ONE!”

There are a lot more ways to cheat that we obviously cannot cover, but you get the gist of it.

What to do if you have one in your flight: If anyone is showing symptoms described above, the best option is to take the spare sniper rifle out of your golf bag and take a dead aim at him. Take him down, and bury him in one of the bunkers on the 15th or 16th hole, where no one will ever find him.

But legally, without committing a crime, you probably want to confront him, give him a chance of redemption and if he continues journeying the path of the dark side (which he likely will, as it is obsessive and compulsive), your best bet is to tell him politely that if he doesn’t beat it, you and your pals will take out your 7-irons and deliver him to his Maker. Oh wait, that’s illegal as well….ah well.

What to do if you are a Cheater: Is there hope still? Yes there is, but you need to stop it. It’s like crack addiction. Cheating in golf is addictive because every little thing can be compromised. A bad lie in the rough. A bad lie in the sand. A divot in the fairway etc. The term play as it lies is applicable to golf, not how you deal with your mistresses. Learn the rules, and move away from the dark side. Before you are murdered and your body gets dumped into an unknown grave on the 15th hole.

10. The Gambler

The Gambler is quite a common species in the golf ecology. Simply put, these are the ones who always need to have something on stake before playing. Within the gambler species are sub-species, mainly, Bigtime Gambler, Medium Size Gambler or Play-Play Only (PPO) Gambler. The Bigtime Gambler is pretty rare from most of the hacker’s perspective, as they tend to drift along the upper strata of society and play in courses like RSGC, KLGCC, KGNS, and play for nothing less than 3 digits per hole. Some even go for four. These are mainly people with special titles in front of their names and drives big Mercedes and BMWs. ¬†The Medium Size Gambler is more of the common hoods who ply their trade in courses like Bukit Jalil, Rahman Putra and some lower tiered golf courses. They generally don’t play anything above 3 digits per hole, but they are still ultra competitive. Finally, the PPO Gambler are the jokers who think playing RM1 per hole constitutes gambling. There are a lot of golfers out there who thinks their wager of RM1 is equivalent to winning the British Open.

Characteristics: This is a species that generally will flock together. It’s rare to find a Bigtime hanging around with a PPO, but generally the Gambler species have the same characteristic: They are driven by a wager. Everything requires a wager. The golf game. The par 3. The longest drive. Last hole, double up; fringes etc. They can spout a trillion permutations of betting games for golf and yet, not bother to remember how to drop the ball from the hazard.

Some are Gamblers even without knowing it. For instance, without a wager, he continues to play without complaining but somehow manages to play like a Borneo Chimp high on marijuana…i.e VERY POORLY. But once someone say, “Eh, we bet drinks on this hole” He suddenly strikes the ball like Ernie Els. It might be subconscious, as their psyche responds to a materialistic goal driven initiative.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Gamblers are actually a fun bunch, but only if you get them to flock together. Intra-species are deadly to each other, for instance, it’s not uncommon for a Bigtime Gambler to attack a PPO Gambler with a hammer for misunderstanding that “3 for game” means RM3000 for the game, and not RM3 for the game. So make sure they don’t mix. Otherwise, it’s entertaining to be amused at how many golf betting games are there and the gambler can allow you to choose which type you want to play. They are extremely focus when there’s a wager, so make sure you partner with a gambler when the bet is on the table.

What to do if you are a Gambler: Hey, it’s no problem being the Gambler. But do be conscious of others. If you are a Bigtime, there are PPO out there that don’t want to take money out of their children’s education over one stupid Saturday game. Likewise, if you are PPO gambler, don’t waste the bigtime’s time, ok. Find a slot that everyone is comfortable, and everyone is ok with the wager and go for it. Also, if someone doesn’t feel like betting, and the majority doesn’t feel like betting, then you know, either go somewhere else to play or shut up and just play golf for the fun of the game. Get used to the habit of not wagering on anything and motivate yourself with scoring good scores, instead of getting money. You might enjoy the game more.

Coming up: The Last section on the species of Golfers: The Joker and the Hacker!

Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part IV

The continuation of the Species of Golfers series.

7. The Driver

Of all species of golfers, this is perhaps the most over-rated. The Driver is someone who spends 99.99% of his practice time slamming golf balls into oblivion. He can really, really DRIVE. But due to the retarded short game and ineffectual putting stroke, he continues to languish in the hell called mid-handicap. If he can work out his short game and recovery, the Driver can easily ascend to the pantheon of Players, or on the dark side, the Buayas and Doctors.

Characteristics: The Driver’s average drive is about 260 – 280 meters….not necessarily on the fairway. He just goes extremely long due to his entire devotion to the long drive. His set up usually resembles a lumberjack ready to swing a 20 pound axe into the tree…left hand stiffed, right elbow crooked, ball teed up six inches from the ground, and set on the outer left side of his left foot. He usually wears a grimace, and is prone to grunting, as if giving birth to a beluga whale. My personal experience with Drivers are that they are quite affable creatures….prone to jokes, and especially inclined to the ‘Jug of beer if can’t go past ladies tee’ rule, since it does not apply to them. They are usually Jokers as well, due to the fact that they usually start the hole pretty satisfied with their long drives, knowing they can doze off in the buggy while waiting for the short hitting wanker in their group to catch up. But their weakness is their mental toughness. They find it hard to focus on the other parts of the game that does not include ripping the ball to shreds. It’s like asking the Terminator to change his weapon from a 300-rounds per second chaingun to a rubber band with a folded piece of paper. And once they flunk out on their second or third shot, they usually play like clowns because they can’t wait to get to the next tee box again.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Do NOT be intimidated by the Driver. They are prone to messing up their short games and usually do not have mental toughness to recover, because they know that the last time they practiced their short game was when they first started golf, and their short game skills still remain the same. These guys have the mental toughness of a jellybean, so all you need to say is, “Wah, lots of bunkers there. Don’t hit it there, yeah”, and they will collapse like a house of cards being sat on by Roseanne Barr. It’s usually fun to have a Driver in the group so that the group in front will hurry on and play, and also to observe the physical contortions and agony that the Driver goes through to slam his ball 100 meters past yours. You need to be careful when partnering with a Driver, especially if you’re gambling. Due to his pessimistic nature and his impatience to get to the next tee box, you’re likely going to suffer, when the initial joy of watching him hit 300 meters down to the fairway is washed away with his 6th shot to get out of the bunker. You need to manage your Driver, encourage him, and nurture him into the great player he can be.

What to do if you are a Driver: For the sake of goodness and gracious, practice your darn short game, you lazy monkey! Many people would kill to be able to drive the way you do, but that talent is wasted when you don’t have any other game aside from that. Once the short game catches up, you will even give the Player a run. And stop being pessimistic about every other shot aside from your driver, golf is played out of many other strokes aside from blasting it down the fairway!!

8. The Grinder

The Grinder is the almost complete opposite from the Driver. He’s the guy with the shorter drive, the guy that tees up with a 3 wood to play positions because he can’t hit it long enough or his drive is not so straight. He focuses on the short game, and while his drive might not be 100%, The Grinder is a master escape artist. He spends 99.99% of his time in the trees, in the bunkers, on the fringe of the green etc. He’s the master of pitch-1-putt, means he almost always never lands on regulation on the green but he would chip it on and one putt for par. The Grinder’s mental game is as strong as Michael Jordan shooting the last shot of the game; it’s as tough as Tiger Woods without the sex, and usually wields a mean putter.

Characteristics: Grinders are one of the best people to play with. They aren’t usually as jovial or as idiotic as the Driver, because their drives are usually not so good. You hardly see a Grinder, due to the fact that he’s spending most his time in communion with Nature, in the woods, in the water, in the sand, everywhere. You’ll see them come onto the green, or watch his ball roll to 3 feet from the hole and him appearing magically from the trees for a tap-in par. Their attitude is always positive….because they seem to play better when they are in trouble. They never say die, they will always grind and grind and grind, even if it’s for double bogey, they will try to save it. In fact, they utilise every single part of the course the most. They are extremely calm, and you hardly see them tomahawk the club into the ground out of frustration, or yell something bad about your mother when their ball goes into oblivion.

What to do if you have one in your flight: They are very good people to learn from, because Golf is always reflective of life. When someone is so stubborn that he never gives up, and always looks to the better side of things, he’s usually a solid work partner as well. He understands that in life, as in golf, will throw you in the woods and bunker now and then and you need to grind your way out. So the Grinder is possibly the only species that can not just teach you short game and recovery, he is likely pretty wise on the things of the world as well, and welcomes adversity like his only son. He’s a great partner to have, because he’s dependable, and his shenanigans on the course to recover from impossible situations will usually throw off the opposition so much that they will be playing defensive golf all the way. The Grinder is a great psycho guy to have in your team…but just don’t expect to be talking to him that much since he’s away most of the time.

What to do if you are a Grinder: Ridiculous as it may sound, nobody is more suited for the Grinder, than a Driver. They go hand in hand, like Tweedledee and Tweedledum. The Grinder’s optimism offers the counterbalance to The Driver’s morose look at golf; while the Driver’s initial long drive takes away the pressure to have a good drive from the Grinder. So if you are a Grinder, keep doing what you’re doing, because you are one of the endangered species of Golf. BE WARY, that in your Grinding, you do not fall into becoming the Cheater, because golf is about self governance and the best grinders are the honest ones.