Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part V

The second last installment of the Species of Golfers series.

9. The Cheat

The Cheat represents the lowest of the lowest scum of the darkside golf hierarchy. Unlike the doctors, who are masters of adjusting their scores; or the buayas who tries to adjust their scores, or even the cock-talker who destroys hackers with his incessant babbling: the cheater does what none of these darkside species do.

They cheat.

What does cheating comprise of? It means the intentional breaking of golf rules without anyone knowing or watching. It means that all self governance is out of the window. It means that golf has ceased being golf and has become what football is fast becoming, with all the diving and acting: a sport with such low moral integrity, it requires a referee to smack their cheating arses and constantly police them.

Golf is for adults. Adults who, despite their other¬†shenanigans on the course, would not resort to such low level, blatant disregard of golf rules. Face it, 99% of us ‘cheat’ in some ways, mostly high level pyschoing, or coughing on people’s backswing, or conveniently giving a wrong read to opponents like saying, “Wah, greens darn fast today” when it’s obvious it’s as slow as my grandma running a 100 meter dash. Without her walking stick.

But The Cheat? They are low level cheaters. Beware.

Characteristics: The Cheat basically does a few things suspicious. For instance, if he can always find his ball even when the entire planet has watched his ball sail three miles into the jungle. And he’s always the first guy running to his ball: this is a symptom, when he says, “No need to help me look for ball, sure can find!” and he ALWAYS does. And his ball is always nicely perched on the rough with a clear sight to the green! WHAT THE HE*L?? Or when he always runs to the ball before anyone can catch up with him.

Another method is he would hit a provision always to the general direction of his first OB ball, and when he finds his second, he declares the first. Always get the suspicious cheat to declare his ball, the brand, the number, and if possible, snap a photo of it, or sign your name on it. He’ll be pissed, but hey, he’s a suspect cheat.

Another method is that they are always first to the green. And magically, he places his marker 5 feet closer to the hole and no one can contest against it.

Another method is the convenient drop, where he will be looking for ball near the hazard and he’ll drop another ball and says, “WAH SO LUCKY ONE!”

There are a lot more ways to cheat that we obviously cannot cover, but you get the gist of it.

What to do if you have one in your flight: If anyone is showing symptoms described above, the best option is to take the spare sniper rifle out of your golf bag and take a dead aim at him. Take him down, and bury him in one of the bunkers on the 15th or 16th hole, where no one will ever find him.

But legally, without committing a crime, you probably want to confront him, give him a chance of redemption and if he continues journeying the path of the dark side (which he likely will, as it is obsessive and compulsive), your best bet is to tell him politely that if he doesn’t beat it, you and your pals will take out your 7-irons and deliver him to his Maker. Oh wait, that’s illegal as well….ah well.

What to do if you are a Cheater: Is there hope still? Yes there is, but you need to stop it. It’s like crack addiction. Cheating in golf is addictive because every little thing can be compromised. A bad lie in the rough. A bad lie in the sand. A divot in the fairway etc. The term play as it lies is applicable to golf, not how you deal with your mistresses. Learn the rules, and move away from the dark side. Before you are murdered and your body gets dumped into an unknown grave on the 15th hole.

10. The Gambler

The Gambler is quite a common species in the golf ecology. Simply put, these are the ones who always need to have something on stake before playing. Within the gambler species are sub-species, mainly, Bigtime Gambler, Medium Size Gambler or Play-Play Only (PPO) Gambler. The Bigtime Gambler is pretty rare from most of the hacker’s perspective, as they tend to drift along the upper strata of society and play in courses like RSGC, KLGCC, KGNS, and play for nothing less than 3 digits per hole. Some even go for four. These are mainly people with special titles in front of their names and drives big Mercedes and BMWs. ¬†The Medium Size Gambler is more of the common hoods who ply their trade in courses like Bukit Jalil, Rahman Putra and some lower tiered golf courses. They generally don’t play anything above 3 digits per hole, but they are still ultra competitive. Finally, the PPO Gambler are the jokers who think playing RM1 per hole constitutes gambling. There are a lot of golfers out there who thinks their wager of RM1 is equivalent to winning the British Open.

Characteristics: This is a species that generally will flock together. It’s rare to find a Bigtime hanging around with a PPO, but generally the Gambler species have the same characteristic: They are driven by a wager. Everything requires a wager. The golf game. The par 3. The longest drive. Last hole, double up; fringes etc. They can spout a trillion permutations of betting games for golf and yet, not bother to remember how to drop the ball from the hazard.

Some are Gamblers even without knowing it. For instance, without a wager, he continues to play without complaining but somehow manages to play like a Borneo Chimp high on marijuana…i.e VERY POORLY. But once someone say, “Eh, we bet drinks on this hole” He suddenly strikes the ball like Ernie Els. It might be subconscious, as their psyche responds to a materialistic goal driven initiative.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Gamblers are actually a fun bunch, but only if you get them to flock together. Intra-species are deadly to each other, for instance, it’s not uncommon for a Bigtime Gambler to attack a PPO Gambler with a hammer for misunderstanding that “3 for game” means RM3000 for the game, and not RM3 for the game. So make sure they don’t mix. Otherwise, it’s entertaining to be amused at how many golf betting games are there and the gambler can allow you to choose which type you want to play. They are extremely focus when there’s a wager, so make sure you partner with a gambler when the bet is on the table.

What to do if you are a Gambler: Hey, it’s no problem being the Gambler. But do be conscious of others. If you are a Bigtime, there are PPO out there that don’t want to take money out of their children’s education over one stupid Saturday game. Likewise, if you are PPO gambler, don’t waste the bigtime’s time, ok. Find a slot that everyone is comfortable, and everyone is ok with the wager and go for it. Also, if someone doesn’t feel like betting, and the majority doesn’t feel like betting, then you know, either go somewhere else to play or shut up and just play golf for the fun of the game. Get used to the habit of not wagering on anything and motivate yourself with scoring good scores, instead of getting money. You might enjoy the game more.

Coming up: The Last section on the species of Golfers: The Joker and the Hacker!

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