Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part III

6. The Slut

This species is becoming more and more common in the golfing ecosystem, thanks to Tiger Woods changing the face of golf by winning 14 majors and sleeping with 14 women. A golfer turned from clowns wearing plaid pants and dressed like a bunch of yahoos like Jesper Parnevik to cool, methodical, ultra competitive, libido enhancing warlords like Tiger Woods, introducing the game to a whole generation of corporate cats who want to get forward in the rat race by polishing their bosses golf shoes.

Characteristics: The Slut is a not a real golfer by any stretch, but usually young, ultra kiasu executives who thinks golf is ‘good for business’ and takes up the game for ulterior motives. They usually dress very professionally, oftentimes in Red, or bright colours to have an illusion of confidence, and take more time preening their hair and face than working on their swing. They also would have the latest golf clubs and gadgets and look as if they are sponsored by Taylormade or Titleist. The Slut usually will showoff his imaginary swing either at work or strategically in front of key customers or bosses, to show that he also plays golf and deserves to be in the exclusive clique. He talks a bit about golf as well, but usually avoids playing with people who cannot help him in his corporate ascension, so will always turn down this group he considers losers, such as people who write golf blogs. On the other hand, he will sleep with anyone who can make him get ahead of the rat race, hence the Slut. He will also party, booze and do everything his boss tells him, including stripping to his underwear in front of the clubhouse and squawking like a turkey. He might even be a reasonable player, but due to the wrong approach in his game, he never becomes anywhere close to good.

What to do if you have one in your flight: This specimen of golfers is usually harmless, the only annoying habit is that they might sometimes talk about things they don’t quite know, such as, “Wow, that’s a good hook,” when you pure a drive a slight draw, or “Wow, can you teach me that great shot?” When you slice the ball into oblivion. They might also be oblivious to golfing etiquette, such as not talking on a backswing, or playing ahead, or stepping on your putt line, or taking out the flag when you’re chipping, or not cleaning divots and pitchmarks or raking bunkers. This is because Sluts don’t bother to learn the game, so they don’t know what is good or not good to do. They might also throw their clubs here and there to express frustration because they have seen Tiger Woods doing it. ¬†They also have no idea who other golfers are, or what majors are, or anything else, aside from Tiger Woods, because that’s what their bosses talk about. ¬†Sluts are known as Golf Bimbos, in a sense, so you do need have patience dealing with them. A Slut can be converted to be a Hacker if done properly, but due to most of them having attention deficit disorder (ADD), don’t bet on a slut to be passionate about golf once he changes job, or have a boss who doesn’t play. He’ll sleep anywhere, with any game, hence…The Slut.

What to do if you are a Slut: Recognise it. Admit you are a slut and you are only in golf because you want to look good in front of bosses and you have the backbone of a jellyfish. Once that is done, try to move forward and truly give this game a chance. Play it without any ulterior motives. Play it for the love of the game. Play it for the frustration, for the pain, for the joy. Spend lonely hours on the range to work on your skills instead of quickly reading the latest golf news in google so you can small talk with the corporate bigwigs. Once you embrace Golf, you have become a Hacker, or a Grinder, or any of the more respectable classes of golfers. You won’t turn back once you are hooked on the game, that’s a guarantee.

6. The Official

This is also a common species, and depending on how you view it, can be beneficial or absolutely disruptive to your game. The Official is the refree, he knows the rules inside out, he carries a rule book with him, he drops correctly, counts correctly and is absolutely anal about the integrity of the game. He is the Judge and Executioner rolled in one.

Characteristics: The official is usually a respectable player, and an experienced player. He could be the old veteran in your foursome, the one who doesn’t drive very long and hardly gets into trouble. Because his game is so darn boring (fairway, fairway, chip, putt), he turns his attention to the other gilagolfers and clowns hacking up the course, and releases his full anal power on them. He will catch the slightest infringement, most common, is how a person penalty drop from a hazard. There is no such thing as a ‘Mulligan’ or a ‘Free Lift’ or anything that’s not in the Rule Book. Whether you are betting or not is irrelevant, the whole game is governed by rules. Some officials are so anal that they will disallow the famous but illegal OB drop (i.e 2 penalty stroke if you can’t find your ball instead of driving back to the tee box for re-tee). He will insist on you going all the way back or quit the hole. As long as you hit a ball that cannot be seen, either into the jungle, or around a dogleg, he will tell you to hit a provision…just in case.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Having an official in your flight can be an energy sapping experience, because everything is scrutinised, and this takes away alot of the fun in golf. The greatest combustion is to pair The Official up with The Slut and you can watch fireworks fly, because The Slut is the bimbo, the Official is the sage. On the flip side, if you are truly dedicated to the game, or you want to learn more on how tournaments are played, having an official in your foursome is invaluable and can even train you to win tournaments. No putts are given, all drops are correct, every part of the game is correctly done. If used correctly, The Official can be a powerful ally.

What to do if you are an Official: First, you need to know yourself. If you play in a normal Saturday foursome, set out an expectations. Say, “Look guys, do you want to play by proper rules?” and if they say yes, you become their official and walk them through the one million rules in golf. If they say no, well, either you leave them and find another group, or compromise on your anality and play along and have fun. You don’t have to follow everything to the book all the time. But chances are if you are an Official and you have a group of Gamblers, they will welcome your input. So choose your partners properly and everyone will have fun during the round.

Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part II

Continuing from our exposition of the species of golfers…

4. The Teacher

The Teacher is usually a reasonably good golfer but might not appeal to everyone, depending on how you view it, how you like being taught and the time that he chooses to do his teaching. One of the golden rules of golf should always be,“Never teach unless solicited”. The Teacher mostly abides by this rule (when he doesn’t, he’s likely a Cock-Talker pretending to be a teacher) and understands the intricacies of golf instruction and does not go blabbing to everyone on what he thinks is the swing fault. The Teacher is a good observer of the game and can give extremely good tips during or after a round, that when received with the right spirit, can drive your game to a whole new level.

Characteristics: The Teacher is a committed student of the game and a very astute, patient and compassionate golfer. You need to be, when dealing with a hacker whose swing resembles a baboon trying to mate with a jellyfish. The teacher does not only teaches on the course, in fact, most genuine teachers prefer to head over to the range with the student, as opposed to screwing up a screwed up swing on the course and cause bodily harm to everyone involved. He can be found studying everyone’s swing, and when asked for comment, he would wisely say, “Hmmm. Just a few things here and there, we can try to work it out later on the range.” And he would follow up with that offer and might even take a video and do an analysis for you, for free, simply because he is compassionate. He doesn’t need to be extremely good, since a good teacher might not necessarily be a great golfer, but he understands all the fundamentals and is a devoted student to the history of the game of golf.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Savor it. Teachers are one of the RAREST species of golf available. 99% of this species is gone, and in their place, you have the extremely annoying Cock-Talker. If you do find a Teacher in your group, probe him (not literally, of course, jeez) for his insights. Most teachers are like Yoda, they speak in reverse. So when they say, “Go range, you must. Crooked your swing is, better I make it become,” you better cancel that nice romantic dinner with your wife and spend it with Yoda. Trust me, it’s worth the 3 weeks of no food and non-ironed shirts you will endure as a punishment for that cancellation.

What to do if you are a Teacher: If you truly are one of these rare souls, then find a golfer with the right characteristic: A Hacker-Joker-Grinder is a good combination for you and TEACH! You need to evangelise the game of golf and teach properly and with proper understanding, or else our beautiful game will be completely polluted by the narcissistic Cock-Talkers.

5. The Cock-Talker

Talking cock is a Malaysian slang for talking nonsense. It’s not a profanity, contrary to many mother’s beliefs, but a complete expression of the more genteel ‘Cock and Bull’ from the the Queen’s English. The West took the ‘Bull’ and the creative Malaysians took the ‘Cock’ portion. Hence, the Cock-Talker class of golfers is also known as Bull-Shitters in the west. They should never be confused with The Teacher species, because the cock-talker is only great at one thing: Talking Cock. This equates to breaking the golden rule of not teaching unless solicited. You see, Cock-Talkers have no regard or respect for the game of golf, they just enjoy squawking about what hackers are doing wrong and how they should solve their problem.

Characteristics: Cock-Talkers are usually reasonable players, but their attitude to teaching is wrong. While a teacher is patient, cock-talkers usually shoots out some inane observation in the middle of the round to you, like “You swing too fast lah, why not slow down?” When the poor hacker slows down and nudges the ball 5 feet forward, the Cock-Talker shakes his head and say, “You look up.” And when the hacker misses the ball and continues to stare down at the inanimate ball, Cock-Talker says, “Your body is too stiff.” This occurs until the hacker will literally give up playing, curl up in a fetus position on the 14th teebox and cry for mommy. The Cock-Talker enjoys these moments of superiority because they love putting hackers down. They crave for blood from beginners.

What to do if you have one in your flight: It’s easy to see a Cock-Talker. He always love to trumpet his advice to everyone. He has a comment for everything, and a so-called fix. Alas, if you are stupid enough to listen to a Cock-Talker, your game will become worse. The Mega Cock-Talker is the worst. It’s a Cock-Talker that actually plays worse than you. I’ve seen it before. This dude who is spraying his balls all over the place like pissing in the morning, actually tells me, “You are looking up. See, this is what I do…blah blah.” Now, when you blast that ball down the fairway, the Mega Cock-Talker will nod in satisfaction and say, “See, that’s all you need to do.” as if your entire golfing life and your future generations must pay homage to him for his advice. If you screw it up, he will shake his head, saying, “See, you didn’t implement what I said…” When the Mega Cock-Talker sprays his shot, and you offer him advice, he would say, “No, no, I just lost balance.” If there is one in your flight, you can either a) Tolerate the cock-talker and not listen to a word he says, b) challenge him back and offer him your advice when he screws up, and do the same, hence proceeding to a ‘Talk-Cock-Fight’ or c) Endure the round and when it is over, shake his hands and never ever recognise his face ever again, unless he is 5 feet away from you, and you happen to have an AK-47 in your hands. You should gun him down as quickly as possible and save the world.

What to do if you are a Cock-Talker: A Cock-Talker is worse than a Buaya. Nobody enjoys playing with you, because you don’t want to teach, you just want to comment. Everything also comment, down to the balls we use. You talk about spinning the ball, slicing the ball, curling the ball etc…aiyaaa, don’t Talk Cock la. If you are a Mega Cock-Talker, it’s even worse. First the reason why you suck is that you are busy commenting about other people’s game and swings. NEVER offer unsolicited advice to people who regularly beat your a$$ every week! My advice to this species: Shut up and play and keep your comments to yourself.