Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part II

Continuing from our exposition of the species of golfers…

4. The Teacher

The Teacher is usually a reasonably good golfer but might not appeal to everyone, depending on how you view it, how you like being taught and the time that he chooses to do his teaching. One of the golden rules of golf should always be,“Never teach unless solicited”. The Teacher mostly abides by this rule (when he doesn’t, he’s likely a Cock-Talker pretending to be a teacher) and understands the intricacies of golf instruction and does not go blabbing to everyone on what he thinks is the swing fault. The Teacher is a good observer of the game and can give extremely good tips during or after a round, that when received with the right spirit, can drive your game to a whole new level.

Characteristics: The Teacher is a committed student of the game and a very astute, patient and compassionate golfer. You need to be, when dealing with a hacker whose swing resembles a baboon trying to mate with a jellyfish. The teacher does not only teaches on the course, in fact, most genuine teachers prefer to head over to the range with the student, as opposed to screwing up a screwed up swing on the course and cause bodily harm to everyone involved. He can be found studying everyone’s swing, and when asked for comment, he would wisely say, “Hmmm. Just a few things here and there, we can try to work it out later on the range.” And he would follow up with that offer and might even take a video and do an analysis for you, for free, simply because he is compassionate. He doesn’t need to be extremely good, since a good teacher might not necessarily be a great golfer, but he understands all the fundamentals and is a devoted student to the history of the game of golf.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Savor it. Teachers are one of the RAREST species of golf available. 99% of this species is gone, and in their place, you have the extremely annoying Cock-Talker. If you do find a Teacher in your group, probe him (not literally, of course, jeez) for his insights. Most teachers are like Yoda, they speak in reverse. So when they say, “Go range, you must. Crooked your swing is, better I make it become,” you better cancel that nice romantic dinner with your wife and spend it with Yoda. Trust me, it’s worth the 3 weeks of no food and non-ironed shirts you will endure as a punishment for that cancellation.

What to do if you are a Teacher: If you truly are one of these rare souls, then find a golfer with the right characteristic: A Hacker-Joker-Grinder is a good combination for you and TEACH! You need to evangelise the game of golf and teach properly and with proper understanding, or else our beautiful game will be completely polluted by the narcissistic Cock-Talkers.

5. The Cock-Talker

Talking cock is a Malaysian slang for talking nonsense. It’s not a profanity, contrary to many mother’s beliefs, but a complete expression of the more genteel ‘Cock and Bull’ from the the Queen’s English. The West took the ‘Bull’ and the creative Malaysians took the ‘Cock’ portion. Hence, the Cock-Talker class of golfers is also known as Bull-Shitters in the west. They should never be confused with The Teacher species, because the cock-talker is only great at one thing: Talking Cock. This equates to breaking the golden rule of not teaching unless solicited. You see, Cock-Talkers have no regard or respect for the game of golf, they just enjoy squawking about what hackers are doing wrong and how they should solve their problem.

Characteristics: Cock-Talkers are usually reasonable players, but their attitude to teaching is wrong. While a teacher is patient, cock-talkers usually shoots out some inane observation in the middle of the round to you, like “You swing too fast lah, why not slow down?” When the poor hacker slows down and nudges the ball 5 feet forward, the Cock-Talker shakes his head and say, “You look up.” And when the hacker misses the ball and continues to stare down at the inanimate ball, Cock-Talker says, “Your body is too stiff.” This occurs until the hacker will literally give up playing, curl up in a fetus position on the 14th teebox and cry for mommy. The Cock-Talker enjoys these moments of superiority because they love putting hackers down. They crave for blood from beginners.

What to do if you have one in your flight: It’s easy to see a Cock-Talker. He always love to trumpet his advice to everyone. He has a comment for everything, and a so-called fix. Alas, if you are stupid enough to listen to a Cock-Talker, your game will become worse. The Mega Cock-Talker is the worst. It’s a Cock-Talker that actually plays worse than you. I’ve seen it before. This dude who is spraying his balls all over the place like pissing in the morning, actually tells me, “You are looking up. See, this is what I do…blah blah.” Now, when you blast that ball down the fairway, the Mega Cock-Talker will nod in satisfaction and say, “See, that’s all you need to do.” as if your entire golfing life and your future generations must pay homage to him for his advice. If you screw it up, he will shake his head, saying, “See, you didn’t implement what I said…” When the Mega Cock-Talker sprays his shot, and you offer him advice, he would say, “No, no, I just lost balance.” If there is one in your flight, you can either a) Tolerate the cock-talker and not listen to a word he says, b) challenge him back and offer him your advice when he screws up, and do the same, hence proceeding to a ‘Talk-Cock-Fight’ or c) Endure the round and when it is over, shake his hands and never ever recognise his face ever again, unless he is 5 feet away from you, and you happen to have an AK-47 in your hands. You should gun him down as quickly as possible and save the world.

What to do if you are a Cock-Talker: A Cock-Talker is worse than a Buaya. Nobody enjoys playing with you, because you don’t want to teach, you just want to comment. Everything also comment, down to the balls we use. You talk about spinning the ball, slicing the ball, curling the ball etc…aiyaaa, don’t Talk Cock la. If you are a Mega Cock-Talker, it’s even worse. First the reason why you suck is that you are busy commenting about other people’s game and swings. NEVER offer unsolicited advice to people who regularly beat your a$$ every week! My advice to this species: Shut up and play and keep your comments to yourself.

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