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Golf's GOAT

The chairman of Nike has dismissed Tiger Woods affairs as a 'minor blip'

Every once in a while, sports will churn up a champion that is beyond reason, sparking off the time honored discussion of the GOAT, the Greatest Of All Time. For Tennis, there is Federer and Sampras. For football, Pele and Maradona. For basketball, Jordan and Bird. For ping-pong, Hang Tze Hwa and Vasily Zilokavaey. I made the last two up but they sound really legendary.

For golf, we have on one side the guy holding 18 majors, a family man and an upright citizen. On the other side, we have a philandering guy holding 14 majors, with the potential to win 30 but for his recent fall from grace where his sex mistresses are currently at 13, one less than his majors. Well, 14 if you plus his model wife.

Tiger, tiger, tiger.

Instead of harping on the obvious (that it is not nice to sleep with so many women for health and spiritual reasons), Gilagolf will put it in perspective.

Tiger plays golf.

He’s still a great golfer.

Which begs the question, with his stock dropping, smart sponsors should and must go in now! Imagine if we bought citibank at 90 cents. It’s up to 4 bucks now!! Tiger’s value is crashing like GM, but given the fickleness of America and his obvious greatness in golf and the very fact that you have a name TIGER; people like Tag, AT&T, Gatorade must be crazy to be ‘reconsidering’ their sponsorship deals.

And Accenture, i.e consultants, i,e people who have no idea what the baloozas is happening anywhere (I know since I’m one of ’em), actually DROPPED Tiger and abandoned him at his darkest hour. On the other extreme, I like Nike the best, when the chairman says this:

“When his career is over, you’ll look back on these indiscretions as a minor blip, but the media is making a big deal out of it right now.”

Um, no, Mr Chairman, you dumb nut. What Tiger did was not a MINOR BLIP. It just shows how immoral Nike is and how absolutely chauvinistic their principles are. YOU SUCK, NIKE! Adidas FOREVER! When you are married and you have sex with 13 other women, that is not a Blip. That is a major, major screwup and Tiger should be whipped 80 times and castrated and all the women in the world go…”Yeah!”

But we still love Tiger because first and foremost, he is the GOAT of golf. No doubt, no second thoughts. He has provided enough inspiration for all of us hackers to actually play this stupid game. It’s a waste of time, money and it gives you skin cancer, but can any of you honestly tell me you got the goosebumps watching old dudes like Palmer and Nicklaus play? Boring. Or young punks like Anthony Kim and Sergio Garcia play? Copycats. Or handsome dudes like Adam Scott and John Daly play? Chokers. Nope, Tiger will and always will be the GOAT of golf, from the day Adam and Eve got booted out of Eden until the day the trumpets sound and rapture comes.

Tiger, if for any strange reason you are reading this article, Gilagolf is willing to be your sponsor. Unfortunately we only have 39.90USD to pay you per year, but seeing how the other sponsors are flying off like chickens, except for the immoral and evil Nike, I’d suggest you think about it. We can print out Gilagolf on your cap if you’d like. We’re serious.

Oh, and just kidding about the castration part. No offense taken, eh?

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Augusta Masters 2008 Review

Ok, so our Gilagolf Prediction Theory was a little off. We predicted Brandt Snedeker to win. Instead he went the other way, posting 77. We thought we tracked him after that eagle on 2 but he derailed instead. Our other prediction was partly correct, Ian Poulter making a brief run after the second before killing himself with 3 double bogeys in three holes. Paul Casey playing like a chipmunk drunk with tequilla. Cink and Flesch wishing they had more hair to win this dang thing.

We also predicted Tiger Woods wouldn’t come close to challenging the masters and we were correct. Trevor Immelman played the 16th like your weekend hacker and still could afford a double on the 18th to win it. Nope, Tiger was no where close.

Since you can read in 100,000 other articles on the net on how Trevor won, and the full Masters analysis, Gilagolf is just going to offer one perspective:

How Tiger Lost

Many will say Tiger lost it in the final round, where he missed putts like how I miss putts. On the 15th, he had like less than 5 feet to start a major run, and he screwed up the birdie.

But his chances really ended months ago, after he made this statement, when asked if he can complete the Grand Slam this year:

“I think it’s easily within reason.”

For the uninitiated, the Grand Slam is winning all 4 majors in a calendar year, a feat only achieved by Bobby Jones, who sounds like your neighbourhood garbage man but who is actually one of the greatest golfers ever lived (well, he’s dead now). Mr Jones did it before the modern definition of majors; i.e The Masters, The US Open, the British Open and the PGA Championship. Nobody has ever won these 4 tournaments in one year.

And Tiger says: “It is EASILY WITHIN REASON.”

Note the innuendo of the world Number 1. In these 5 choice words, he has conveyed the following messages:

1) I am good, way better than all the other losers on this PGA tour.

2) All of y’all suck, especially that idiot Rory, whom I will have the joy of pounding my 7 iron into his mouth one of these days.

3) I have a hot wife.

Tiger definitely has a way with words.

Every golfer, from pro to hacker, knows the golden rule of golf:

NEVER JINX YOURSELF.

This is so easy to do. You sometimes do it without realising it. For instance, take my KRTU experience. I was saying to myself breaking 80 is ‘easily within reason’ and then blew up for a 95 on a windswept day. Another time, I shot 40 on my front nine in Nilai Springs, then said to myself: “Maybe today…”. I didn’t even tell anyone! Next thing I knew, I started hacking like a pregnant hippo and shot 47 on the back. How many times I was poised to shoot a low round record when my entire game would decide to take a break and destroy any semblance of pride I have left?

That’s how Tiger lost. He jinxed himself. His recovery shots and putting left him. True he made a ridiculous par on the 18th on Friday (or Thursday?) but it didn’t matter. He lost, because of his big mouth. And hence, he tried to recover from it, saying in the post round interview:

“I learned my lesson there with the press. I’m not going to say anything,”

Welcome Tiger, to the world of hackers.