Concluding the Golfer Species Series, here’s a poll for you to see what sort of species we usually have in our flights, feel free to vote multiple times!
What kind of golfers are your regular flightmates?customer surveys
Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part VI
The final installment of Gilagolf’s The Species of Golfers series.
11. The Joker
The Joker is everyone’s favourite species of golfer. Except when you are betting. Here’s a guy that understands one of the core fundamentals of gilagolf theory: No matter how many times we practice, we will still suck. It’s a fact. Unless you are a pro, or someone who’s striving to be a pro, you will come to a day when you just plain suck. Look at Tiger at Quail Hollow. He sucked. So, as a golfer, you respond by:
a) Furiously tomahawk your clubs on the ground and spout the most flowery language possible to everyone and to the sky
b) Laugh it off, implement gilagolf theory that we all suck, and play better.
It is proven when someone plays without pressure of performing well, he plays better.
Characteristics: The Joker has a gift of looking at golf and not taking it too seriously. They can range from really lousy players; or some pretty good ones, but who don’t get too worked up when he shoots a quintuple bogey in a par 3. They are invariably relaxed and they are prone to chatter. They are the Freddie Couples of your group, where they will laugh at themselves and laugh with others.They are not so worried about the golf game itself, they are more concerned with the overall group fun that everyone has. They are masters of positive thinking and will try everything on the course, including hitting a ball embedded under a waterfall or going for an impossible one-on just for fun. They are also unpredictable, and often throw the more serious golfers off with their antics, if they are not reigned in or managed properly. While generally popular, the Joker can be a downright distraction, especially when he squats and clucks like a chicken in celebrating his birdie putt.
What to do if you have one in your flight: When you have a joker, you generally have lots of fun. Even when the course is crap or the weather is storming or when the sun is slowly peeling the skin off your back and boiling you; the Joker remains a Joker and you get your share of laughter. Enjoy the ride, especially when he shanks his ball and murders a caddie, or his clubs fly further than the ball, or when he topples into the water trying to hit an impossible half sunken ball: prepare to be entertained. Be careful if you are taking up a bet with a Joker on your side. His plus can be a negative when he starts playing like an idiot and going for the impossible shots when you are 3 down 3 to go and playing for RM1000. You will wish you can carve his brains out with a rusted 3 iron. They are generally poor gamblers, but they are the best to bring along if you have beginners or you just want to have a general good time.
What to do if you are a Joker: Be who you are. Golf needs people who doesn’t get too angry over a bad shot. We need less Tiger Woods primadonas out there who curses and cusses etc. We need people who can joke around, see the game for what it is (a pain in the a$$ that for some reason we keep playing), and know that golf can be a game of fun and not intimidate first timers. Be the golf evangelist, never make fun out of malice, and bring the game to all those who says golf is for stuffy, old, overweight idiots or for a black guy who has a hot wife, yet goes after old looking pornstars.
We need to bring back the positive image into the game, dude!!
12. The Hacker
We leave this species to the end, because this species is the most important one in the golf ecosystem. The Hacker. The beginner. The newbie. The Sui-Yee. We need to respect and take care of this species because they are the most vulnerable species ever, without which, the race of golfers will not survive past 2012. Hackers can come in different age, size, shapes and gender. Hackers can be new to golf, or they can be guys playing for x number of years but still suck. Look at Charles Barkeley. He’s the God of Hackers. In fact, every hacker has a picture or a wooden carving of Sir Charles with his amputated half swing and retarded follow through in his golf bag.
Characteristics: A hacker is anyone who plays more than 110. A semi hacker can be a guy who can’t break 100. Either way, these guys are charting their way through the golf world and they need good mentors, friends, and people to encourage them. After all, we were all once hackers. A hacker is generally very positive about golf, even though he’s found digging his own grave in the sand bunker or 6 putting from 6 feet…because a negative hacker will drop out of the game in a second. Hackers do not usually have a good grasp of their own skills, and always think they can easily hit the ball 250 meters and carve a sharp draw to land softly onto the green and spin back. When that obviously does not occur, they shake their heads and try again. And again. And again. The learning curve of hackers is severely limited by his extremely vivid imagination of playing like the black guy who has a hot wife, but goes for old looking pornstars.
There’s also a sub-species of negative hacker. These are guys who have been playing lousy golf for so long, they have lost their lustre and pride for the game. They are still hackers, but they are very depressed because they suck and they don’t know how to improve, or how to stop the game. It’s quite rare, but I’ve seen people who play week in and week out, horrendous golf and they keep saying, “I HATE this game! GOLF is stupid! I am going to quit!!!” But they are still there, for some weird reason, unable to stop playing the game that causes them so much pain: like a loveless marriage, or a plastic surgery gone wrong. Beware of the Negative Hacker. They are the only known species that will depress the Joker, so imagine what he will do to you!
What to do if you have one in your flight: Treasure the hacker because they carry the future of golf on their shoulder. They can be golf’s biggest supporter, especially if they are encouraged and given the proper training. Never destroy their spirit. Give tips at the right time (please do not be a cock-talker) but otherwise, let them enjoy the game, for all the pain and sorrows it brings, and the joy of hitting their first straight drive, or sinking a long putt. The best is to pair them up with a Teacher, or a Joker; never a Cock-Talker, never another Negative Hacker. You need to manage them though. Teach them the rules, the ethics. Especially if they are playing so slow, or end up looking for their RM1 ball like they are diamonds. Give them the ground rules: Keep up and we will all have fun. Nobody likes a hacker who takes his hacking so seriously that we have 20 flights piled up behind waiting for him to finally hit the darn ball. This includes hackers who take 45 seconds from address to actually hit a ball. I know one personally, and his personal best was one minute before he hit. He took 3 practice swings of practice swings! He’s practice swinging his practice swing!! WHAT?!? We managed to hurry him up by threatening to run our buggy over his balls. Not his golf balls.
What to do if you are a Hacker: If you are a hacker, the best advice is to keep up. Most golfers don’t mind if you suck, because they also suck now and then. It’s only when you suck and play golf like you’re playing for the Masters tournament. There are hackers who read putts like Jim Furyk (darn slow), but when asked why they hold the putter in front of them (plumbing), they have NO IDEA. They also don’t know why they squat here and there, because if you’re hacker, listen: THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE, JUST HIT THE DANG BALL, YOU IDIOT. Everyone hates a hacker who thinks he’s a Player. Other than that, if you are a Negative Hacker, do the world a favor and hide your head in the first toilet you find…you’re done with the game. Golf doesn’t need people who hate the game, we have enough haters already who says Golf is not a sport.
Otherwise, for the Hacker, welcome to the wonderful world of Golf and may your stay here be filled with birdies and eagles!
What to do if you have one in your flight: Treasure the hacker because they carry the future of golf on their shoulder. They can be golf’s biggest supporter, especially if they are encouraged and given the proper training. Never destroy their spirit. Give tips at the right time (please do not be a cock-talker) but otherwise, let them enjoy the game, for all the pain and sorrows it brings, and the joy of hitting their first straight drive, or sinking a long putt. The best is to pair them up with a Teacher, or a Joker; never a Cock-Talker, never another Negative Hacker. You need to manage them though. Teach them the rules, the ethics. Especially if they are playing so slow, or end up looking for their RM1 ball like they are diamonds. Give them the ground rules: Keep up and we will all have fun. Nobody likes a hacker who takes his hacking so seriously that we have 20 flights piled up behind waiting for him to finally hit the darn ball. This includes hackers who take 45 seconds from address to actually hit a ball. I know one personally, and his personal best was one minute before he hit. He took 3 practice swings of practice swings! He’s practice swinging his practice swing!! WHAT?!? We managed to hurry him up by threatening to run our buggy over his balls. Not his golf balls.
What to do if you are a Hacker: If you are a hacker, the best advice is to keep up. Most golfers don’t mind if you suck, because they also suck now and then. It’s only when you suck and play golf like you’re playing for the Masters tournament. There are hackers who read putts like Jim Furyk (darn slow), but when asked why they hold the putter in front of them (plumbing), they have NO IDEA. They also don’t know why they squat here and there, because if you’re hacker, listen: THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE, JUST HIT THE DANG BALL, YOU IDIOT. Everyone hates a hacker who thinks he’s a Player. Other than that, if you are a Negative Hacker, do the world a favor and hide your head in the first toilet you find…you’re done with the game. Golf doesn’t need people who hate the game, we have enough haters already who says Golf is not a sport.
Otherwise, for the Hacker, welcome to the wonderful world of Golf and may your stay here be filled with birdies and eagles!
Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part V
The second last installment of the Species of Golfers series.
9. The Cheat
The Cheat represents the lowest of the lowest scum of the darkside golf hierarchy. Unlike the doctors, who are masters of adjusting their scores; or the buayas who tries to adjust their scores, or even the cock-talker who destroys hackers with his incessant babbling: the cheater does what none of these darkside species do.
They cheat.
What does cheating comprise of? It means the intentional breaking of golf rules without anyone knowing or watching. It means that all self governance is out of the window. It means that golf has ceased being golf and has become what football is fast becoming, with all the diving and acting: a sport with such low moral integrity, it requires a referee to smack their cheating arses and constantly police them.
Golf is for adults. Adults who, despite their other shenanigans on the course, would not resort to such low level, blatant disregard of golf rules. Face it, 99% of us ‘cheat’ in some ways, mostly high level pyschoing, or coughing on people’s backswing, or conveniently giving a wrong read to opponents like saying, “Wah, greens darn fast today” when it’s obvious it’s as slow as my grandma running a 100 meter dash. Without her walking stick.
But The Cheat? They are low level cheaters. Beware.
Characteristics: The Cheat basically does a few things suspicious. For instance, if he can always find his ball even when the entire planet has watched his ball sail three miles into the jungle. And he’s always the first guy running to his ball: this is a symptom, when he says, “No need to help me look for ball, sure can find!” and he ALWAYS does. And his ball is always nicely perched on the rough with a clear sight to the green! WHAT THE HE*L?? Or when he always runs to the ball before anyone can catch up with him.
Another method is he would hit a provision always to the general direction of his first OB ball, and when he finds his second, he declares the first. Always get the suspicious cheat to declare his ball, the brand, the number, and if possible, snap a photo of it, or sign your name on it. He’ll be pissed, but hey, he’s a suspect cheat.
Another method is that they are always first to the green. And magically, he places his marker 5 feet closer to the hole and no one can contest against it.
Another method is the convenient drop, where he will be looking for ball near the hazard and he’ll drop another ball and says, “WAH SO LUCKY ONE!”
There are a lot more ways to cheat that we obviously cannot cover, but you get the gist of it.
What to do if you have one in your flight: If anyone is showing symptoms described above, the best option is to take the spare sniper rifle out of your golf bag and take a dead aim at him. Take him down, and bury him in one of the bunkers on the 15th or 16th hole, where no one will ever find him.
But legally, without committing a crime, you probably want to confront him, give him a chance of redemption and if he continues journeying the path of the dark side (which he likely will, as it is obsessive and compulsive), your best bet is to tell him politely that if he doesn’t beat it, you and your pals will take out your 7-irons and deliver him to his Maker. Oh wait, that’s illegal as well….ah well.
What to do if you are a Cheater: Is there hope still? Yes there is, but you need to stop it. It’s like crack addiction. Cheating in golf is addictive because every little thing can be compromised. A bad lie in the rough. A bad lie in the sand. A divot in the fairway etc. The term play as it lies is applicable to golf, not how you deal with your mistresses. Learn the rules, and move away from the dark side. Before you are murdered and your body gets dumped into an unknown grave on the 15th hole.
10. The Gambler
The Gambler is quite a common species in the golf ecology. Simply put, these are the ones who always need to have something on stake before playing. Within the gambler species are sub-species, mainly, Bigtime Gambler, Medium Size Gambler or Play-Play Only (PPO) Gambler. The Bigtime Gambler is pretty rare from most of the hacker’s perspective, as they tend to drift along the upper strata of society and play in courses like RSGC, KLGCC, KGNS, and play for nothing less than 3 digits per hole. Some even go for four. These are mainly people with special titles in front of their names and drives big Mercedes and BMWs. The Medium Size Gambler is more of the common hoods who ply their trade in courses like Bukit Jalil, Rahman Putra and some lower tiered golf courses. They generally don’t play anything above 3 digits per hole, but they are still ultra competitive. Finally, the PPO Gambler are the jokers who think playing RM1 per hole constitutes gambling. There are a lot of golfers out there who thinks their wager of RM1 is equivalent to winning the British Open.
Characteristics: This is a species that generally will flock together. It’s rare to find a Bigtime hanging around with a PPO, but generally the Gambler species have the same characteristic: They are driven by a wager. Everything requires a wager. The golf game. The par 3. The longest drive. Last hole, double up; fringes etc. They can spout a trillion permutations of betting games for golf and yet, not bother to remember how to drop the ball from the hazard.
Some are Gamblers even without knowing it. For instance, without a wager, he continues to play without complaining but somehow manages to play like a Borneo Chimp high on marijuana…i.e VERY POORLY. But once someone say, “Eh, we bet drinks on this hole” He suddenly strikes the ball like Ernie Els. It might be subconscious, as their psyche responds to a materialistic goal driven initiative.
What to do if you have one in your flight: Gamblers are actually a fun bunch, but only if you get them to flock together. Intra-species are deadly to each other, for instance, it’s not uncommon for a Bigtime Gambler to attack a PPO Gambler with a hammer for misunderstanding that “3 for game” means RM3000 for the game, and not RM3 for the game. So make sure they don’t mix. Otherwise, it’s entertaining to be amused at how many golf betting games are there and the gambler can allow you to choose which type you want to play. They are extremely focus when there’s a wager, so make sure you partner with a gambler when the bet is on the table.
What to do if you are a Gambler: Hey, it’s no problem being the Gambler. But do be conscious of others. If you are a Bigtime, there are PPO out there that don’t want to take money out of their children’s education over one stupid Saturday game. Likewise, if you are PPO gambler, don’t waste the bigtime’s time, ok. Find a slot that everyone is comfortable, and everyone is ok with the wager and go for it. Also, if someone doesn’t feel like betting, and the majority doesn’t feel like betting, then you know, either go somewhere else to play or shut up and just play golf for the fun of the game. Get used to the habit of not wagering on anything and motivate yourself with scoring good scores, instead of getting money. You might enjoy the game more.
Coming up: The Last section on the species of Golfers: The Joker and the Hacker!
SSGLinks Stats
I’ve migrated from AGN to SSGLinks, after finding out that I only used my AGN card about the same amount of times I go for colonscopy. To be frank, I also bought the Top Premier Voucher book, which is a very cool way to play in all sort of golf courses around Malaysia. I haven’t really done a side-by-side comparison between SSGLinks, Top premier voucher, AGN or any of those other cards out there, but I’m sure they are all pretty competitive. For instance, Top Premier book gave me RM55 at Tasik Puteri, while SSGLinks gave me RM50.
As an SSGLinks member, I am obviously privy to some of their marketing information, so I’ll publish it here for Gilagolfers’ consumption. If you have any stuff on the other card membership that you think would be better, feel free to let me know and let’s see which is the better one.
SSGLinks gave me an interesting calculation on how they can help us save money yearly by joining them (so we can use that saved money to buy needless golf clubs and gadgets). Assuming we play 3 times on weekends and 3 times on weekdays a month on certain golf courses (that’s six times a month, which many of us probably don’t, unless you’re doing something your boss doesn’t know about, and having many meetings with Mr. Par Bir Die company.
|
Public Rate |
|
Public Rate | Premier Card | |
|
Danau GC |
Weekend |
RM 137.50 |
RM 40.00 |
|
|
Tasik Puteri G & CC |
Weekend |
RM 168.00 |
RM 110.00 |
|
|
Perangsang Templer GC |
Weekend |
RM 155.00 |
RM 85.00 |
|
|
SSG Beringin GC |
Weekday |
RM 80.00 |
RM 40.00 |
|
|
Danau GC |
Weekday |
RM 84.00 |
RM 40.00 |
|
|
Kinrara GC |
Weekday |
RM 85.00 |
RM 60.00 |
|
|
RM709.50 |
RM 415.00 |
1 Month | ||
|
RM 8514.00 |
RM 4980.00 |
x 12 Month | ||
|
RM799.00 |
Membership |
|||
|
TOTAL |
RM 8514.00
|
RM 5779.00 |
So there’s a savings there of about 2k or thereabouts. I’m sure other cards have their plus points and calculations as well so it’s a matter of which one you think is the most comfortable one.
The courses listed here are mainly in the Not Too Shabby or Must Play List on gilagolf, so at least we don’t have those freaking disasters like Bukit Unggul and slimy Berjaya courses.
They currently have 40 clubs, including A’Famosa, ORNA, Era,Gunung Raya and Genting Permaipura. We’ve only hacked 2 out of those, so hopefully we’ll be able to hack more.
Here’s SSG Deails
Tel: 03-78439512/13
Web: http://www.ssglinks.com.my/clubs_affiliated.html
Happy Hacking!