Posted on

So What Happened to Rory?

Rory McIlroy of Northern Ireland watches his tee shot on the second tee during the second round of the Memorial Tournament at Muirfield Village Golf Club in Dublin, Ohio June 1, 2012. REUTERS/John Sommers II

So while everyone is speculating why is Tiger failing so spectacularly on the traditional moving days of his tournament, whatever our dear hacker patron, Mr Rory McIlroy? Missing 3 cuts in the row might be ok for David Duval, but for someone considered as World number 2, and up until recently world number 1, it is pretty much a disaster.

So let’s dissect, what happened to Rory McIlroy?

If you look at history, his crapness is directly related to his position as a top rank golfer. He simply can’t get it done as a number 1 golfer.

March 4 2012, McIlroy became world’s number 1. He was there for 2 weeks, approximately, 0.7% of Tiger Woods’ tenure. He played ok for his first and last tournament in his first tenure as number 1, a 3rd place at WGC Cadillac. Then he lost it on March 18. He regained it on April 15, even though he played like crap in Augusta. He lasted just 2 weeks again till April 28. His achievement as world number 1: ZERO. He didn’t do anything.

So he lost his world number one on April 29, but regained it back on May 6. Immediately he played like a punk missing The Players Champs cut. As world number 1, he shot an embarassing 74-79 to miss the BMW cut. He lost it again on May 26th, this time seemingly for good, as he bombed on the Memorial, tied for 87, and missing the third consecutive cut.

Rory’s total weeks as world number 1 = 7. Against Tiger’s 623. That is 1.12%.

Why are we talking about the apparent heir to Tiger then? It’s obvious he plays like crap when there are expectations placed on him! Just like a hacker!

Ah, how we love Rory.

Posted on

I Gotta Get Me One of These!

I played my first golf game today after the longest layoff in my golfing history. I shot a horrendous 53 on the front at Tasik Puteri’s 3rd nine and 47 on the easier 1st nine.

I gave up on my HiBore driver halfway as I could only manage to hook the ball into OB all the time. The last six holes, I played 2 par, 1 double and 3 bogeys to somehow save my game, and within those, I had at least 2 good pars I missed due to 3 putts. Because the last six holes I dumped my stupid Cleveland driver and took up my friend’s R11.

Now I’m not giving excuses. My swing still resembles an ape trying to hump a turtle. Sideways. But the R11 had two things:

1) Head weight. I finally know where the driver head is. I never knew where it was with my HiBore.

2) Forgiveness. I was having a bad swing day, but bad hits went even further than some of my friend’s good hits.

Any of you guys swing one of these?

I’m beginning to think that equipments do make a difference in bad golf.

After cracking around the bend on one of the holes that put me only 70 meters from the green, I just kinda looked at it and felt like Flinn Rider, the dude from the disney animation Tangled and how he felt about Rapunzel’s Frying Pan (sorry for the Disney reference, been readying up for baby by watching more cartoons…and hey, Disney rocks anyway)

Tangled was actually pretty darn funny.

Posted on

More of Tiger means…?

It has been a hugely long time since I last updated this blog. Many have thought I had expired somewhere in the middle of a golf course and likely covered up in the thick trees, since there is where I spend most of my golf these days.

I seriously cannot get a grip of my swing, having sat out since, probably approaching two months. The dirt in my golf club has transformed into plants and sprouting flowers.

Instead, I have watched the world go by: First, Juventus, my beloved Bianconeri, win their 30th Scudetto (make no mistake, those 2 taken from us from Inter was robbery), and Allesandro Del Piero probably playing his last game this Sunday at the Coppa Italia; watching the ridiculous game between City and QPR…if I was a betting man, I’d be having a heart attack (could the match be possibly fixed??)

And then there’s Tiger.

I think we can safely say now that the era of Tiger Woods is officially kaput. It’s not to say that he won’t win again, he will, but he’ll win it like any other golfer out there. Gilagolf has always been about Tiger Woods all the way: not because he’s a great guy in golf, it’s because he’s the ONLY guy in golf. It’s going to be hard to root for anyone but him.

It’s depressing enough not to play golf, but to see the guy who inspired you and the rest of a generation to pick up this stupid game play like a hack: that’s doubly depressing. Tiger must be really cheered up by these facts:

1) He’s playing at the Greenbrier classic for the first time. Read it. GreenBrier. And this golf tournament will have more turnout this week than all of its 60 year history combined. I don’t know, it’s just a downer when all these years, Tiger’s been saying, “I simply am not going to waste my gold-minted minutes on loser tournaments like Frys and GreenBrier simply because they sound stupid. Or sound like food and drinks.”

2) His mistress got tapped. And knocked up. Rachel Uchitel is getting a baby girl. So much for rumors that she and Tiger will ride off into the sunset after Elin runs off with his billions.

3) Speaking of Elin, she just broke off with her boyfriend. I think because he once tapped Rachel Uchitel. I mean, what is she gonna do to get this B*tch out of her life??? Elin being so hot, I don’t think she’ll have a problem getting hitched again though. I mean, look at her! Go Elin, Daughter of the Vikings!

Really, More of Tiger doesn’t mean it’s good. The reason why Tiger was such a hot commodity was that he was a stuffy, fussy pr*ck who did what he wanted and was bigger than the PGA tour. Seeing him like this, as a more common PGA tour member really suck. Golf will never be the same again.

Well, at least Juventus didn’t fail me. FORZA JUVE!!

Posted on

Professional Golf Tantrums

As usual, I’m going to leave the Augusta 2012 writings to professional writers. I’m sure they will be doing a much better job writing about how Bubba carved out that ridiculous hook from deep forest on the 10th to slamdunk Louis Whatisname and win the title. It was seriously the most ridiculous shot we’ve seen in a long long time.

But what caught the viewers attention was not so much of the big swinging pink driver player winning his first green, ugly jacket, but the shenanigans of Tiger Woods’ soccer kicking his 9 iron on the 16th after a bad shot.He got flamed for that. But seriously, why all the fuss?

Golfers have themselves to blame for every bad shot they make. Unlike football, tennis, basketball, squash, badminton, snooker…heck every game, even freaking Scrabble and Chess….your opponent would do something to you that would influence how you play your game. Golf is the only known game in the history of mankind where you are playing your own ball, with your own consequences of your own decision. Plus, you don’t have a shot clock…you are freaking standing over your ball for 30 seconds and you still can’t make a decent shot? Of course people would go ballistic!

Golf temper is part of the game. We won’t be human unless we go crazy now and then. The trick here is not when, or where…it is HOW. Here’s a list of how to professionally go Happy Gilmore over your shot.

1. The Curse

Power rating: 1. Let’s start off with the foul mouthed curse. Usually aimed at the offending ball, the offending club, the offending bird, the offending leaves, and at times, the offending caddie, or the offending best friend. It’s not effective, it just makes you look like a contractor playing the game. Anyone can do it. Even a homeless hobo.

Simplicity: 1. At times, people get creative with their curses and can do transitional curses in multiple language and in one breath. It sounds technical, but still, it’s quite simple once you get the hang of it.

Consequences: 1. You might get strange stares, but that’s about it. Most people don’t like to cross a multiple language cursing golfer with a driver in hand, and blood shot eyes and face as red as a lobster.

2. The Drop Club

Power rating: 2. The Drop Club is an intermediate tantrum technique, and is universally acceptable in all genres of golf. It has a better “power rating”, because many golf pros use this, thus it makes whoever who employs this technique look pretty professional. This is the unhappy cousin of the happier ‘Twirl Club’.

Simplicity: 3. There’s a slight complexity to this. It wouldn’t do to hit the ball, follow through, hold the club, then allow it to drop. That just makes you look stupid. The drop club must be done in one single movement, conveying the all important message that you know you “hit it wrong the moment the clubhead contacted the ball.” Obviously we know that as much as a chimp knows about thermodynamics. But you need to immediately let it go at two positions: Right at the end of your follow through (club dropsbackwards) or after your follow through, when uncoiling, dropping the club forward. Sometimes this technique is accompanied by the “Football Kick”, as demonstrated by Tiger Woods on Friday at Augusta 2012.

Consequences: 2. Generally this is a safe technique, since the ground absorbs the brunt of your fury….and it’s a ‘dropped’ club, so technically it won’t bounce back up to stab you in the artery. We recommend this as the starting tantrum to employ, since if people scold you or the marshal warns you, just tell him, the club slipped out of your hands.

3. The Slam

Power rating: 3. This is a more powerful demonstration of your temper, utilising the head (usually a driver) and slamming it to the ground, scattering pieces of dead bugs all over the place. Sometimes, this is done multiple times, usually to a 4/4 rhythm. This is known as the Multi-Slam technique.

Simplicity: 3. The slam is usually initiated after a bad drive, where on a retarded follow through that threatens every sinew of your already stretched spine, you uncoil from this unnatural stance and bring back your club downwards, slamming the head onto the ground. This is usually accompanied by The Curse.

Consequences: 5. The slam has unusually high consequence, especially when utilised with a graphite shaft driver. Sometimes, due to the ferocity of the slam, the head might loosen or worse, snap off. This can cause injury to self and others around (Like Henrik Stenson), or at severe times, even death (like CSI episode).

4. The Tomahawk

Power rating: 5. This is one of the big guns. Tomahawking is using your entire arm action with the single intent to bury the club (usually an iron’s toe) into the ground as deeply as you can. This is where the term, “Bury the hatchet” is derived from, since most golfers employing this technique are ‘hackers’.

Simplicity: 2. This is a lot easier than the Slam. This is where after hitting a bad iron shot, you turn around to ensure no one is within 10 meters of your explosive range, and using your entire arm and shoulders as if chopping a large piece of wood, you axe down your club with all the power you can muster. By and large, the favourite move of new players.

Consequences: 8. The Tomahawk is usually quite safe, because the iron usually buries deep into the dirt, and the only issue is that you need a crane to extract it out later. However, I’ve witnessed some tomahawks done in deep rough, and honestly this is VERY DANGEROUS. If the tomahawk lands on a root of a tree, broken wrist, bone and untimely death might be the consequences. Please do this with care.

5. The Furious Grass Cutter

Power rating: 6. The furious grass cutter is made famous by Sergio Garcia, when he hit a bad shot on a slope and then proceeded to continuously whack the slope and beat the slope into submission. This is a very potent tantrum and should be employed with care.

Simplicity: 5. This is complex, due to the balance required when you are hacking away at the slope. It must be done with enough ferocity to punish the offending slope, but not so much as to completely lose your balance. Those practicing pilates and yoga will appreciate this and are usually the best people to try this tantrum.

Consequences: 5. It’s a thing of beauty to see a golfer using this move. It’s probably not dangerous, since you’re swiping – not chopping…but if you lose balance, you might tumble back down the slope and end up looking like a true idiot.

6. The Club Snap

Power rating: 7. This is tantrum at its finest. Usually done with a driver, it demonstrates your herculean ability to snap things that displeases you. It’s like when you were a kid and snapping a pencil to show your power. Bad drive. Snap it, because I am strong and filthy rich. It’s a social statement of your immense strength and capacity to purchase more clubs. There is a very powerful variant to the club snap, which is called the Club-beating-the-head. This should NEVER BE DONE BY ANYONE EXCEPT WOODY AUSTIN, whose brains are the size of a peanut, thus allowing to have a very very tough exterior skull, something like Homer Simpson.

Simplicity: 4. It’s quite simple, but requires balance and strength. Just use your thighs as a levarage, and snap your club with both hands.

Consequences: 8. It’s a high risk tantrum, because not only you lose this club, you also might risk injuring your wrist or thighs. Also, if you happen to TRY this and fail, you will be viewed as one of the most idiotic failure golf has ever seen. Better to do some tests first, usually with some spare shafts and rods back home. Again, the variant of the Club Snap, the Club-Beating-The-Head has dire consequences if you are NOT Woody Austin.

7. The Club Fling

Power rating: 7. Like the club snap, this conveys to the world that your clubs are the 100% reason behind why you suck so badly. So throw ’em away. Buy new ones.

Simplicity: 1. This is a very powerful and simple move in your tantrum arsenal. Just fling the club forward as far as you can. Generally, you should throw your club forward so you can pick it up again on the way to your newly shanked ball.

Consequences: 6. A lot of things can happen when a club flies out of your hands. It could kill a wildlife, like a duck, hence the phrase “Dead Duck” is derived from here. It could maim a spectator or a maintenance worker. It could even cause your club to be lost. Either way, you need to be careful of your surroundings. This is a mandatory precaution for all “OUT OF HANDS” Tantrums maneuvers.

8. The Advanced Club Fling

Power rating: 9. This is by far the most powerful and simplest move you can make. Like the club fling, but with a destination: The WATER. Practitioners of this tantrum arts are well stocked with extra clubs, and well-off enough to sacrifice the club FOREVER. You just throw it away and never look back. The message you send here is, “Forget the past, move on to the future.” It is the singlemost powerful and positive statement one can make in golf.

Simplicity: 1. Find a body of water (not mud, mind you) and fling your useless, treacherous golf club as far as you can into the water! Usually accompanied by the ball as well, especially if you have missed a 1 foot putt to win RM500. Henrik Stenson does this best, when he simply shrugs and chucks the wedge over his shoulder into the pond without even looking at it again. Ultra coolness.

Consequences: 5. The only consequence here is that you lose the club. It usually won’t cause anyone pain since you have been so considerate as to deposit your club into the water.

9. The Hammer of Justice

Power rating: 10. The hammer of Justice is one of the special moves for tantrum throwing. It turns your relatively benign club into a weapon of mass destruction. The HoJ does not seek to destroy the club, like other methods do, but the surrounding environment within striking distance of its bloody rage.

Simplicity: 9. This is NOT simple. HoJ practitioners spend years honing their dark arts. They know which are the items that can be destroyed, and the amount of required strength to destroy it. For instance, Henrik Stenson (again, the Sith Lord of Tantrum arts), decapitated the tee box on the British Open with such accuracy that everyone was at awe at his master skill.

Consequences: 9. Very painful if you attack an Item, like a TREE, with the HoJ move. The club might rebound, snap and break your wrist or murder someone nearby. Always be aware of items, such as tee boxes that are not solid, nearby saplings, underbrush, and golf buggy.

10 The Complete, Psychological Meltdown

Power rating: 10+. This is the worst tantrum, because its a pyschological destruction of everything known to golf. Instead of a sudden flare of temper, this is possibly the most grevious of tempers and should only be done very very selectively, in fear of losing your friends, family members and being outcast as a leper to the society. You can view a whole montage of meltdowns here:

Simplicity: 10. Simply put, your entire mental health is washed away once you use this method. You will 6 putt, laugh at yourself crazily, walk slumped all around, refuse to talk to your friends, drive the buggy maniacally, purposely hit 5 golf balls into the pond or directed at a nearby house overlooking the golf course, chop up divots the size of Brazil and refusing to clean it, build sandcastles in the bunker, play Angry Birds as your friend prepare to drive/ or putt etc. The complexity of it is very high, since this is what we term as “The complete absence of the mind.”.

Consequences: Infinity. Once this happens, your golf career is likely over. You will never play again. It’s a lobotomy of golf. You will be golf’s vilest enemy, cursing this day as you lay at your death bed years from now. You will join one of those environmental hippie groups lobbying for the shutdown of all golf courses and turning it into a green lung. It is not just a retardation of your love for golf, it is the complete and utter devastation of it. It will be replaced by a magnificent, bottomless hatred of everything related to golf, except perhaps the possibility of sexy LPGA girls in short skirts. From here, there is no return, only prayers of existing golfers for one who has succumbed completely to the dark side.

Posted on

Augusta 2012 Day One

The first major is here..and probably if you were to ask any PGA golf pros (maybe one of you reading this might actually be a very accomplished interviewer and has access to these guys) which major they would want to win if they had only one: Most likely the Augusta Masters would be their choice. It’s just not the awful-looking green jacket that makes the winner look like an idiot; it’s the massive tradition surrounding it. Augusta is like the World Cup in golf, except it comes every year, as opposed to every 4 years! It’s probably the only majors I’d stay up to watch, and admittedly, that too only for Tiger’s round. Here’s a quick breakdown of the 5 favourite character stories in Augusta this year.

The Comeback Hero. Tiger shot 72, thanks to some seriously retarded golf on the 17th and 18th, but he actually did pretty well not to look like a complete fool on the first and second. His swing still looks a little dodgy though and at times, like the 18th, it almost resembled the mighty duck hook that I have as my normal drive. We’re still rooting for Tiger though, since other alternatives are clearly as interesting as watching reruns of Home Garden Improvement.

The Prodigal Son. Rory. I really really really like this picture of him for two reasons: we don’t get to see his curly pubic head hair, and this stance resembles the normal stance I usually assume after every drive. Still undecided whether to hate or love Rory…he has a great game, for sure, and he is emotional…but at times, he comes off as just plain annoying. Not Sergio Garcia annoying, but enough to put us off. Anyway, he played well to a -1, despite a disastrous double bogey start, which also usually resembles my first hole in every game I play.

The New Colin Montgomerie Villain. Skinny Westwood. Who looks like the actual villain Willem Dafoe in disguise.

Willem Dafoe

Was never a fan of either skinny or fat Lee Westwood for some reason. Maybe because he comes off as a whinny, complaining guy much like his fat predecessor, Monty, who doesn’t seem to wish people well, or not too happy that a punk like Rory is beating the crap out of him everytime. Unfortunately he’s playing really well and now leads at -5. At one point, he had 4 birdies, and barely missed his fifth. Every story needs a villain anyway.

The low-self-esteemed No 1. He truly, remarkably is, Golf’s worst world no. 1. The PGA management must be flabbergasted at how a guy like this who only wins small tournament and again, resembles an overturned crab in terms of charisma would be the poster boy for best player in the world. No majors. World Number 1. My theory is that Luke wishes he wasn’t world number 1, because whenever he goes into a tournament as World No. 1, he immediately starts hacking like a nut. As in, he knows himself it’s such a stupid position to be when you haven’t done anything. True to form, he went out there to purposely sabotage his game and ended with a 75. He almost got away trying to disqualify himself by smudging a score to reflect 73, but PGA officials blamed it on the fax machine, and unhappily, Luke Donald has to play on. Watch for more of this self-saboteur in the coming rounds.

Henrik Stenson in World Golf Championships-CA Championship - Round One

The Stripper-Hacker-Golfer-With-A-Girl-As-A-Caddy. Henrik Stenson is unique is some ways. Aside from this horrifying picture of him in his undies, he’s also famous for forcing a woman to lug his bag around for him for 7KM every round. Many people conclude that he’s probably on the queer side, but who cares. I like this guy because he is probably the only person in the PGA tour that actually plays like us, on some holes. As in, he simply meltsdown.

18th hole, Augusta 2012. He shot an 8. I couldn’t get a video online yet, but here’s what happened from my viewing:

1) Snap hook a 3 wood into the woods on the left. Resemblance to myself: 100%

2) Duff his punch out and ended up in heavy pinestraws and not even out of the thick stuff. Resemblance to myself: 100%

3) Complain to official that he wants a free drop and is flat out refused because official doesn’t like the picture of him naked, although he vehemently shouts that he’s not going to strip, for crying out loud, because there’s no water hazard. Official doesn’t believe it and rathers play it safe. Resemblance to myself: 0% (just play it, Henrik and stop whining like skinny Villain!)

4) Due to his argument with official, and the fact that he still has his clothes on, he tops his shot 20 meters that skitters to the right. He stopped himself from tomahawking his club into the ground, turns around, and in a split second, decides to REALLY tomahawk it. Resemblance to myself: 100%

5) The official and commentators TSK TSK, and says, “Don’t do that in Augusta, naked Swedish man.” At this point, he screams that he’s not naked and was he eating crazy pills. Resemblance to myself: 0% ( I have no confidence playing golf naked).

6) He hits his 4th and simply airmails the green because he was already so pissed off. He immediately berates his caddy. Resemblance to myself: 50% (I’d airmail it too, but I wouldn’t berate my caddy…since usually I don’t have one. I’d choose to tomahawk my club again).

7) He clears everyone behind the green and rudely shuffles one clueless idiot who continues to sit there staring blankly at him. With three thousand eyeballs on him, he simply duffs his chip and doesn’t even reach the green. Resemblance to myself: 100%

8) He now putts from the fringe and it goes to about 2 feet from the hole. He misses his putt from 2 feet and finally settled in for 8, quadruple bogey. Resemblance to myself: 100%

And here’s the wonderful fact about Henrik…he is REALLY A HACKER who happens to be a PGA tour.

He was dead last in Augusta last year with an 83-74 score. This includes a QUINTUPLE BOGEY (8) for par 3 fourth and triple bogey on the 11th. His score in 2010? 80-75 and also miss cut with 5 bogeys and 3 double bogeys in round one. He truly suck. And that’s why we need to keep an eye out for him, because he’s our rep this year in the great fraternity of hackers.

On to day 2!!!

Posted on

IK Kim and the one foot missed putt

I don’t know why.

If this happened to a PGA tour professional, I would revile that guy and condemn him to everlasting hacker folklore gleefully, delighting in the schadenfreude of the moment.

But if this happened to an LPGA professional (yes, even Michelle Wie), I would shake my head in disbelief and share an outpouring of grief at the absolute, complete, utter destruction of her self-esteem and possibly, her career.

I.K.Kim - Kraft Nabisco Championship - Final Round

Here’s a video of her being commented by a bunch of white blokes who obviously know as much about golf as I know about the history of fermented camel crap. And they still make fun of poor IK Kim at the end, oblivious that she could very well hire her South Korean assassins to yank out their intestines and tie it around their smug, pale-looking, jackanape, caucasian faces.

We’re not talking about a putt on the 16th to get within one of the lead, or keep the lead. We’re not talking about a 10 foot putt, or even a five foot putt, a knee knocker to win the title. We’re not talking about some kind of obscure, charity tournament to enhance Asian Heritage in Chattanooga Tennessee.

I.K.Kim - Kraft Nabisco Championship - Final Round

No. This is a ONE FOOT TAP-IN after a missed birdie putt, to WIN THE KRAFT NABISCO WOMAN’S MAJOR CHAMPIONSHIP.

ONE FOOT.

This will be down as the greatest short putt missed in the history of golf and possibly stretching into the next million years of golf when it has evolved into a bunch of big headed aliens tapping a holographic ball across the galaxy. They will recall in horror, when their denizens misses a tap in, that they have I.K-ed it.

We could probably compile a bunch of horror stories of golf, including the dumb-a#s two footer miss to win the Masters by that big loser Scott Hoch (notice the distinct bias-ness against men who suck and women who umm, had a bad game?). I mean, seriously, who would you chose to symphatise with:

Bald, fat Caucasian Octogenarian.

Playful, pretty Korean chic.

Not much of a choice, really.

But really. One foot. Major win.

Who could forget that sheer horror on her face when the ball horse-shoed around the trecherous hole and she spun around at her caddy, her tiny eyes wide with shock, hands over her mouth, mouthing a silent “OH MY #$^&#@# CRAP, I JUST LOST US 300K!!” in South Korean. We can only hope maybe she and her tall, good looking caddy hooked up later and he forgave her for making him lose so much money.

I.K.Kim - Kraft Nabisco Championship - Final Round

IK Kim, I can’t tell the difference between you and the 6212 Koreans on tour at the moment, but the hearts of all hackers go out to you. I can only dedicate this song for you (minus the disturbingly feline lead singer and the half naked woman slithering about) from the entire world of hackers trying to break 90 and 100.

Posted on

New Era of the Wacky World of Woods

We recall just a few weeks back, when faith in Woods was at an all time low. After failing in the last round time and again, it was getting very frustrating to stay up and watch him flail around like a hacker and then to wake up to go to work, in obviously thunderous mood. People snickered. They said he was finished. They are ready to pour their accolades onto the shoulder of a 23 year old punk with pubic hair on his head. Or onto a Justin Timberlake lookalike that has about the same number of fans as a block of charcoal in your neighbourhood grocery store. I mean, as I have mentioned time and time again, if Tiger fades away, golf would enter into an era that would make the dark ages look like Mardi Gras on steroids. It would be the END OF GOLF AS WE KNOW IT (or EOGAWKI–pronounced Eh-oh-ga-wi-ki).

And like a burst of sunlight, too intense to look into, yet too mesmerising to turn away, EOGAWKI was summarily dispersed with Tiger capturing his seventh (or his eight?) Arnold Palmer Trophy. I don’t really know what the details are, except that he played as he should be played, and although it wasn’t Mr Pubic Hair on the Head he defeated, it was his fellow country man, who looks like Hugh Jackman who ate too much pork and also got stunted in the process.

Now before we crown him again, we need to know that Tiger has literally been to golf’s equivalent to Mordor and back.

1) Humiliation of dropping out of the Top-50. Now he’s back to six. He’s still some ways from Charcoal Donald and Pubic McIlroy, but at least there’s finally a recognisable US name in the Top Ten. For months, US had to be content with an old guy by the name of Steve Stricker and Homer’s brother, Webb Simpson.

2) His douchebag of a caddy called him out and wanted to shove something up his “coloured” bleep-hole. Now his player, Adam Scott is lower than Woods in world ranking. Steve Williams now lives in a mobile caravan in fear of his life, as assassins from the Bronx, Bangkok, Japan and where ever the heck Tiger is from are out to get him. Take that, racist Steve Williams.

3) His equally douchebag of a coach has written a tell all book “The Big Miss”, depicting Tiger as an egomaniacal, power-crazy, selfish piece of crap for the past couple of years. When you’re bringing in a 100 Million a year, it does crazy stuff to you. Big Deal, Hank. But you gotta hand it to Hank…he claims everything about Tiger is about golf, yet tells a story of how fearful he was asking Tiger for a popsicle. How is that related to golf, Hank? Your popsicle? As in, really?

4) His hot wife beat him up over some text messages and divorced him. She has since destroyed their home in a fit of rage, and re-married and named the scum in her new pond Tiger Eldrick Woods…in case there’s some ambiguity. What do you expect? She’s a descendant from Erik the Red. Tiger probably now fears for his life, as she’s calling the God of Thunder to descend upon his newly built life and damn him to eternal purgatory.

5) I don’t know if Tiger still hangs out with the pornstars, but really, his taste in pornstars really really suck. I mean compare him to Martin Sheen, who also hung out with a pornstar, Tiger’s choice is like choosing a dead hamster over a Bugatti Veyron Super Sports. It’s a complete embarassment. At least now, hopefully he steers clear of pornstars and get his life back in shape.

Bugatti Veyron: Most Expensive Car in The World

OK, Tiger, winning once ain’t gonna cut it. You are not Jesper Parnevik. You are supposed to win. So get that Augusta and bring us back from the brink of EOGAWKI!!

Posted on

This makes us feel good…and bad!

The big news this morning for golfers: Tiger Woods having to withdraw due to injury after the 12th hole in the last round in Doral Blue Monster this week. After watching him play well in the second and third round, it might be a possibility for him to catch up with Justin Rose and Mr Bubba despite being 8 shots back. But the guy that made the run is our curly hair number one Rory, and Tiger (YET AGAIN) just failed in the final round. I really think he should just stop wearing the darn red shirt! Over and over again, he is proving to be more like david Duval than David Duval himself. The latest setback so close to Augusta doesn’t bode well for us Tiger fans.

I don’t get it, how come guys like Tiger who looks like he benchpresses beluga whales have all these problems when a joke like John Daly doesn’t have sports injuries? How can golf be so physically demanding when Arnold Palmer can still play while half his body is already in a casket? I mean, it’s golf! The only injury I have right now is that my left pinky can no longer bend into a fist without popping, but except as a freakshow to gross out my wife, it doesn’t really bother me much. It’s golf, not football, basketball, badminton etc. Isn’t it considered an ‘old man’s game?’ (although in parts of Indonesia and Thailand, among caddies especially, it has evovled to ‘dirty old man’s game’)

Come on Tiger, stop being a sissy!!!

The big news for hackers however: Sergio Garcia, everyone’s favourite crybaby, made OCTUPLE BOGEY..yep, that’s a +8 for you guys who don’t like roman numerals. Although not as fascinating as Kevin Na’s Duodecuple bogey (a +12) , it’s still, by far, one of the biggest names in golf playing like a complete hack in one hole. Only one hole, mind you, because though that made us feel good, he still managed a 76. It’s ridiculous. If we shot a +8, we would be shooting 110. So if he had only parred that hole, he would be at 68.

Then again, these guys eat, drink, crap, sleep golf, while we only dream about playing somewhere in the open field as we try to stay awake in the office.

Posted on

Woods Mania is back

The actual golf season begins with Tiger.

Face it, quick trivia:

1) How many PGA tournaments have been played?

2) Who won these tournaments?

3) What is the current PGA tournament being played now, and who is leading at the halfway cut?

If you can’t answer any of the above, or wrongly answered Abu Dhabi HSBC championship for 3), chances are you are like 99% of the golf fans out there: NO ONE GIVES A CRAP about the other PGA tournaments outside of the majors, and outside of any tournaments Mr Woods play in.

Tiger Woods

I finally tuned into golf, between flicking channels to watch the tennis Australian Open, and watched the marquee group of Rory, Luke and Woods. Luke sucked. As a world no. 1, you gotta feel extremely castrated in many ways. He doesn’t have the charisma of Woods, he doesn’t have the don’t care attitude of Rory, he doesn’t even have a freakin’ major that both Rory and Woods at least have! And he’s supposed to be the ‘best’. It’s such a ridiculous burden he’s bearing, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to beat these two guys, driving shorter than them, less accurate than them, and yet, seeded World No. 1?? As expected, Luke played like a doberman on heat, i.e extremely out of control and crap. And did I mentioned he has the same amount of charisma as the random piece of brick you find at the construction site?

Rory? He’s entertaining, but he’s no Tiger. He plays like a punk, and his body language is just so hilarious because it reminds us of…well, us. Except that he birdies after bogeys, while we just descent into an eternal spiral of crap golf. His resigned slump when he hits a bad shot, his animated face when he hits the good ones. His penchant to engage Woods in conversation all the time…thankfully, Steve Williams is no longer Tiger’s guard dog, else Rory might have his face bashed in for speaking to the mighty Tiger. But Rory was hit with a 2 stroke penalty when Luke said that he couldn’t sweep sand from his ball path outside of the green. Which makes sense. As in how hundreds of stupid golf rules makes sense, but play by the book, right? To do him credit, he didn’t blame the tell tale World No 1 but penalised himself, but yet carded  an even round to remain at -5, same as Tiger…how does one get 2 double bogeys and some bogeys and yet remain even??

Tiger played like…someone else aside from Tiger. We are so used to seeing this guy flapping his clubs around and screaming FORE!! and go on to do a ridiculous recovery shot and sink an impossibly long putt…that the new Tiger, with the ability to fade the ball just needs getting used to. Tiger will always be Tiger, but we love him so much because he was able to overcome adversity, and come up with crazy shots that we would try on the course, much to the danger of everyone involved.

Now Tiger just plods along, hits great fades with 3 woods into the fairway (with the occasional top that can still skitter 240 yards), doesn’t do much fist pumps and resembles a black Luke Donald. Yawn. I hope this doesn’t mean Tiger is going to be playing boring golf all the way, or else I’ll be switching to watch Junior Masterchef Australia. He’s hitting it great though, and it will really be great for him to be in contention in the weekend, hopefully paired with the jabberwocky Rory McIlroy.

By the way, the report was that Tiger Woods was paid a significant sum to play in Abu Dhabi, about 2.x million USD. I think the rumor was that last year, one event organiser wanted to bring Tiger back to Malaysia for one of the tourneys…and was quoted RM5 million, which was before his Chevron victory and at his lowest value. That was his discounted value. I don’t think we’ll ever see Tiger going for RM5 million ever again, now that he has regained back some of the aura he lost when his car crashed into the tree and he downgraded from the most appealing and marketing person in sports into a not-so-pretty-pornstar lover. What a fall from grace ain’t it?

Ah Well, Tiger Mania is back, and let the season FINALLY begin!!

Posted on

Horizon Hills GCC

Introduction

Very few courses actually make it into our most anticipated list of courses to play in. Tropicana. Glenmarie. Templers. RSGC. Saujana. KLGCC of course. In the southern state of Johor, there is one course that’s supposed to rule them all:

Horizon Hills.

I mean the name already evokes awe. The premise of consecutive Iskandar Opens, the place where it’s supposed to be so pristine, that LPGA and PGA golfers would reroute their journeys to come by this little peninsular called Malaysia. Aside from KLGCC, Horizon Hills, near Nusajaya and in turn near the Tuas exit, captures the imagination as the country’s top tiered golf destination.

So, ten of us woke up at 5 am from various locations, to meet the tee off time at 7:22 am, with all other later tee times ‘Taken up’ according to the friendly neighbourhood reception (do note the sarcasm a little).

Travel (2/5)

You’d think that being such an internationally acclaimed golf course, there would be some sense in direction. We came up from Singapore to play and no where near the exit or along the highway exiting Tuas into Johor did we see a sign to Horizon Hills. We had to depend completely on Google Maps. And that turned out wrong, so we had to depend entirely on Garmin, which led us to such a long and circuitious route that our 30 minutes drive turned into a near 1 hour, and we nearly missed the cursed tee time.

More signs would be nice, Horizon Hills, really.

Price (1/5)

Again, I understand the prestige, and the need to draw more money from our Singaporean brethrens of clubs; so we were willing to fork out RM146 per person to play on the course. Never mind it’s a weekday, off peak. Never mind that we had the Top Premier voucher discounts. Never mind that we were forced to take up caddies whom we did not want. It was all worth it, since this was KLGCC of the south, was it not? This was the Pearl of Johor, right?

With that premise, you would straight away have a forebiding feeling that Horizon Hills, instead of soaring to greater heights and exceed all our lofty and admittedly at times, unrealistic expectations—oh how I wish I could have stated it—Horizon Hills instead descends into one of the most inglorious, most ignominious and most underwhelming experience that we ever had in a long long time. If you are in a hurry and you are not interested to read further, here’s our verdict: Is Horizon Hills worth the money you pay for?

Yes it is, just like how it’s worth every penny to pay RM1 million to eat dried cow shit bred specifically to ingest every sort of parasitical worms into your body, which will destroy your intestines through the most painful and excruciating death possible.

That’s sarcasm. Truth is, simply: No.

First thoughts

It didn’t start out too badly actually. From the second nine, when you stare out from an elevated tee with water on the right and a thin strip of fairway, you could just feel the stirring in your veins that you’re going to have a good game. ‘Could’ being the key word, because I didn’t, and proceeded to hack my drive way out into the water right before collapsing into a triple bogey start. I hate those starts. But I don’t blame the course, it’s simply my inability to get to any kind of comfortable start in golf.

The first impression of Horizon Hills was good, because like Bukit Jawi, from the club house, it offers a great vista of the journey you will undertake in the next four hours. Plus, the clubhouse looked as it it belonged to a James Bond flick, with expensive fittings and a state of the art design. It’s a pity we are not reviewing golf clubhouse architecture, Horizon Hills, I’m sure you would be in the DAGTH status if so. Which makes me wonder, why in blue blazes was so much money spent on the club house? Why not put more into maintaining the golf course instead? It must have been a non-golfing senior management idiot that made that decision.

Service (3/5)

I am quite tempted to give it lower since the caddies we had were practically useless. I mean we ask for reads and they didn’t get it right. They were friendly, yes, but unfortunately woefully underequipped for the price we paid for them. We didn’t pay them to converse. And why oh why do caddies insist on flirting?? Are we that awesome looking with our six pack abs and bulging muscles? We paid them so they make us into golfing machines that would go all out to secure the testy win that will win us RM2!! Maybe we just didn’t get the A grade caddies. Maybe we just looked like cheap Malaysians instead of high class Singaporeans who would tip them SGD40 instead of RM40.

However, the reception lady, although somewhat grumpy, was quick and the lady was friendly, and got us course bound in no time. Plus, the golf bag handling guy was also understanding when we had a mix up with our bags at the end. So a mediocre 3/5.

Fairways (0/5)

And here’s what the trouble starts. Horizon Hills, if you are going to look like a high class course, price like a high class course; why on earth does your fairway resemble the rearend of an African Babboon?? One word for Horizon Hills fairway on December 2011:

Awful.

2nd hole for instance, we saw track marks and mud all across the fairway so much so that we had to implement lift and clean…and it didn’t even freaking rain the day before! Come on! I mean it’s not all bad, as in Selesa Hills bad; but for a five-star course to have this kind of fairway is simply unacceptable. The maintenance guy should be dried out for this. It’s like, if I was backpacking and stayed at a Rm10 per night hostel next to a whorehouse, I wouldn’t complain too much about the bed bugs, the rats, the lizards on the ceiling and the occasional corpse in the closet: but imagine you went and paid for the Mandarin, or Hilton, and you get a bed that’s only slightly more comfortable than a coffin; you’d sure to go barnacles, right? You’d complain! You’d not tolerate that you have cockroaches running around the bathroom!

So why isn’t anyone screaming foulplay over Horizon Hills? Charging the way they did and giving us an experience that we could as soon find in the football field behind my house, where the occasional rusted nails and used underwear can be found near the goal post?? And the gall of it all, was when the grumpy registration lady (to do her justice, I believe she was just completely clueless) proudly declared, when I gave my customary complain of ‘wah, so expensive’: “We are increasing all prices next year for Horizon Hills!”

You’d think this is based on actual studies of product development, but no, it’s probably on the whim of some higher ups, who completes the above sentence with “Because I want to drive a new Audi A7 next year also!”

Huge huge, utter disappointment for Horizon Hills fairway and maintenance. They should have given a discount, an I-am-sorry voucher for having a course that has muddy fairways, thank you, come again.

Greens (3/5)

The greens were thankfully in a reasonable shape. The speed was about 9 on the stimp but strangely played slower than that. But overall the roll was quite pure and the challenging contours and largeness of the greens created some good challenges reminiscent of KRTU. In fact, it boiled down to the final green for my team, when my team mate’s game exploded into undetectable pieces and I struggled to a bogey. With all the stakes on the line, my two opponents were already 3 on. Both lag putted their 4th to 3 and 4 feet respectively and I was about to throw in the towel.

But the blessed contours of Horizon Hills green first made the initial putt veer right, and the 3 footer knee knocker molested the edge of the cup before turning away…giving my team the win! Due to unforced errors. But the green was quite demanding, with lots of precision lags, and 3-4 footers of non-gimmes. Lots of par opportunities slip by but we were generally pleased with the development of the greens.

Rough (3/5)

One of the greatest challenges and aspects of Horizon Hills isn’t the greens or the cowdung fairway; it would be the rough and bunkers. It was just a torture to play on. I was driving the ball as well as I could ever drive, but very often, I either run through the fairway or it lands just off the fairway. There’s no first, second cut. Just fairway, and deep deep rough. I had to literally play the ball off the heel of my right, and power a hook to get it out of the stuff. It was no joke, really, I nearly snapped my wrist at one point to muscle the ball throught the thick stuff. This was the pitbull grass, so much feared and revered through Saujana, that has somehow ended up here.

And that wasn’t even the end of it: Bunkers. EVERYWHRE. This course had more bunkers than the Omaha Beach did on D-Day. Believe me, these were not the nampy pampy bunkers we get back at KL areas, where you could put of it. These were SARLAC bunkers, where once you get in, you ain’t ever going to get out without luck and skill. My triple bogeys aside from the first hole were bunker experiences. At one hole, my drive again flew the fairway and into squishy rough next to the buggy track. I powered my 9 iron through on line and fell literally 1 meter short in flight and rolled back into one of the hungry SARLAC bunkers. Third shot into the edge. Fourth shot didn’t come out. Shot five came out only a little. It was crazy to see a guy hacking dirt into the green but no ball, it was that difficult.

The reason why the score isn’t high is the lack of maintenance on the rough. At some parts they were muddy beyond belief. They were unplayable and we had to take free drops in dry areas. Again, it’s such a pity because Horizon Hills could  have offered an amazing and memorable experience, but instead fizzled out like a moon traveler firework.

Aesthetics (2/5)

Again, I would love to say Horizon Hills is an exciting, beautiful golf course and that everyone that comes here would be overawed. I am a firm believer that the golfing experience must take golfers out of the current mundane world we all live in, and transport them into 4 hours of forgetful bliss from work or any reminder of work. That’s why Datai, not just being a jungle course, but a course that provides that escapism, can score so high.

Horizon Hills tries. The first nine (back nine) was reasonable enough with good mixture of nature and functional golf. But from hole 12 onwards, we could just sense the construction going around the course. Make the turn and all the illusions of escapism is gone. The sky line of Horizon Hills is reprehensible. Houses being built by the course, in hole 1, the constant banging and shouting of workers and machinery at work as you putt on the first green. And from there, every hole, almost, houses staring vigil at us hacking up the beloved game of golf. It descended from a KLGCC wannabe to a Bukit Jalil replica. And we don’t like it one bit. Especially since it exthorted money from us the way it did.

Disappointing backdrop to an otherwise reasonable looking course. But really, the house development simply takes away the experience of golfing. It’s just not great to survey the hole from the tee box and have the caddie say, “Target the crane.” As in construction crane, not the nature bird-crane, you know.

Fun Factor (3/5)

Horizon Hills do have some fun holes. Be on your A-Game to tackle the par 5s, expecially the closing and snaking 18th. It has to be the grandest and toughest hole in the entire course. There are islands of landing spots meandering across the lake. The first one on the left, and the second landing spot to the right has a rivulet cutting across, requiring a 230 meter carry, according to the caddy. I borrowed my friend’s R11, and whiplash it across, as did my other friend. Unfortunately, those were our test balls, having already played safe to tee off at the nearest landing spot. We all proceeded to completely unwind in this par 5, and everyone ended up in the water somehow or another.

The fun factor is always there when you have two or more flights and friends just jabbing at each other. There’s a lot of thrash talking going on which I like, and even though the stakes weren’t big, our pride was more than enough for us to become ultra competitive.

Horizon Hills is very contoured,  with the water easier to navigate compared to the awesome Legends Golf Course with all the mass of water around the course. Horizon’s main defence lies in the Sarlac Bunkers. Every bunker is a freaking adventure, and many of our challenges today and assault on the greens were rudely halted by one of the sarlac bunkers dotting the entire course and messing around with our minds. I tried my SW, my Approach wedge, my 60 degree, my chipping 40 degree and still struggled to get anything out of these bunkers. Thankfully I didn’t spend a lot of time in it…the time I spent in there was severely penalized, unfortunately. Some of my other friends had a better time however, including one guy who had a miracle bunker out to 1 feet on a crucial hole.

It was a fun time indeed, and the weather held up it’s end of the bargain by only raining after our game. The only drawback was just the fairway condition, which is absolutely inexcusable for a course of this magnitude.

Conclusion

I will struggle to outright recommend this course to Gilagolfers. Simply due to the price. If you can tag this down to RM100 or below for an offpeak rate, then it would be reasonable. But at RM150 almost, adding the caddie tips, and with no food voucher? You can play Orchard 5 times for this amount and you’re likely going to have more fun there! So unless they discount their prices, or give pristine fairways and not the cowdung they have pieced together so far, I’d say stay away from Horizon Hills, it ain’t worth your money or time. Better go over to Johor Premium Outlet to shop than to waste your hard-earned money on a course that is obviously living off its reputation, but doing nothing to fulfil the same reputation.

The good:Famed golf course, challenging rough and bunkers; countours on greens and fairways offers a very unique gameplay; good looking clubhouse and reasonable service.

The bad: Completely overpriced; the fairways are one of the worst I’ve seen, and this includes fairways on UPM, which doubles up for cows to eat from and shit in; caddie services have no value other than looking like they think they are pretty (they are NOT); travel remains a drag; aestethically more of a Bukit Jalil than a KLGCC.

The skinny: 17 of 40 divots (42.5%). It’s unbelievable that Horizon Hills can only muster up a sorry score the same as these hall of famers: UPM, Kulim, Harvard, Cameron Highlands. Like Glenmarie, Horizon Hills fails to impress and is one of this years’ most disappointing golf course and golf experience. In fact, Daiman, Palm Resort, Palm Villa are all more recommended than this orverpriced and overhype piece of…course. It’s a no-go as far as I’m concerned, but the potential is there if they buck up on their service and maintenance. Maybe try again in dry season next year and don’t expect so much. Don’t expect caviar and lobster termidor, just burger and fries, and you’ll be ok then.

Horizon Hills GCC ScoreCard

Horizon Hills Details

Address: No. 1 Jalan Eka, Horizon Hills, 79100 Nusajaya, Johor Darul Takzim

Contact: +607-2323166

Fax: +607-2323919

Website: http://www.hhgcc.com.my

Email: general@hhgcc.com.my