Augusta 2011 Gilagolf Prediction Engine (GPE)

Well, after a prolonged break, the now famous, and absolutely undependable Gilagolf Prediction Engine (GPE) for Masters is kicking in again. We are so far Sergio-Garcia-Majors-Win in our prediction, i.e BIG FAT ZERO. I think this year, we’re going to break that. OK, roll call:

Rory McIlroy

Rory McIlroy

This kid is playing without fear. He has no memory of failure, so he’s actually killing Augusta with his drives and his fearless, in your face, I’ll-take-on-anybody-including-your-mother attitude. Will he prevail his four shot lead? Everything says he will, because unlike the mother of all chokers Mr Greg Norman, he has no failure record in Augusta, so he’s playing without actually understanding how important it is. But GPE predicts him to crack under the enormous pressure and his drives will be as curly as his hair in the back nine. Mainly, because we’re jealous of him, being so young and able to play in Augusta while we will be working our butts off tomorrow morning. And also, nobody has won Augusta with a permed hair before.

Jason Day

Jason Day

Really like this kid. He looks a little Asian so obviously that’s a big plus..in fact he looks like one of my pai-kia friends in Sultan Abdul Samad school. GPE doesn’t seem inclined to Aussies though, because of the amount of time they have proven that they have choked in Augusta (starting from the guy that gave away SIX strokes in 1996, who from thereon had his nickname changed from the Shark to the Sharkfin Soup), so sorry, Jason “This Ain’t Your” Day.

Charl Schwartzel

Charl Schwartzel

Umm, no. How many times have we said, anybody with an unpronounceable name, or a name that comes up in spelling bee contests will not win. Sorry, Charl Schwimmer.

K.J Choi

K.J. Choi

GPE is tuned immediately to Asians, because it is by far, the most racialist prediction engine ever. EVER. Anytime we see KJ Choi, it beeps up. He’s like a cuddly teddy bear who will tombstone you if you don’t do what he says. Who can resist that face when he hooked his shot on the 14th, as he stared down at his ball as if he we was going to mash it up into smithereens with his weight lifting hands? Ah KJ, we predict you again (as we did in previous years) TO WIN THE AUGUSTA!! Please, get your act together and win it to save us yet another embarrassing prediction.

Angel Cabrera

Angel Cabrera

If KJ somehow manages to disappoint us yet again, our dark horse selection is Mr Angel “Don Corleone” Cabrera. He looks and play like a Cuban druglord. This is the man. He whacks the ball without a care in the world, and if you start talking technical to him, I bet he’s just going to take his 7-iron and grind you into a pulp. I’d like to see him do that to the annoying and completely BS golf fix guy, Michael Breed.

Luuuuke Donald

Luke Donald

We generally don’t think anybody resembling Justin Timberlake looks good in the green jacket. Nope, he’ll sabotage himself because he doesn’t want to lose his legions of female fans by looking like a nerd in a jacket. A real ugly one at that.

Adam Scott

Adam Scott

See above reference to Luke and Jason.

Bo Van Pelt

Bo Van Pelt

Seriously? Bo Van Pelt? He’s the lost brother of Lucy and Linus Van Pelt from Peanuts. Bo Van Pelt? Come on. Same reason as Charl Sauerkraut.

A bunch of guys are seven off the lead and considered as out of the running, including the MEGA DISAPPOINTING Tiger Woods. He was annoyingly bad in Round 3, putting like a pregnant penguin. We still believe in Tiger, and he has an outside chance to get this. Aside from KJ, Angel, we’ll have Tiger moving up the leaderboard but falling short, probably top 5, so he can have that blabber mouth Ian Poulter eating Tiger Crap for years for saying Tiger sucks so much. The rest at -5 are going to be sideshows.

Go KJ, do it for little Asian men who has disproportionately huge muscles!

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