If Tiger can, I can

Very quickly, what was last week’s tournament, where was it held and who won it?

If you can answer these questions without googling or heading over the internet to check it, then you are a rabid golf fan who owes Tiger nothing to you loving the game of golf.

To many of us, the reason why we watch golf is because of Tiger. And we can’t answer those darn questions because we don’t really give a crap.

I mean seriously. Do you know how boring watching golf actually is?  A bunch of guys hitting a white ball over 7 kilometers of course to put into a little white hole. I sometimes prefer to watch people playing billiards as opposed to golf, or the asian food channel and try to decipher what the heck is the Chef at Home dude cooking. Or watch reruns of Sesame Street to see a hot Natalie Portman tell Elmo about the princess and the elephant. Ah, who’s hotter than Natalie?

Golf? We love to play it, but trust me, a lot of us don’t wanna watch someone else have all the fun. It’s like being a caddy, except you don’t get to throw cameras away. And good Lord, the commercials! And the times they show the scoreboard  over a still picture like a lake or a tree or a hole in the ground and the commentators babbling on like drugged zombies in a coma….why???

But Tiger changed everything. He fist pumped, he yelled, he cursed, he threw clubs around and most of all, he made absolutely impossible shots from all over the place, inspiring a new generation of slicers and hookers and hackers and duffers to say to themselves, when faced with the utmost adversity on the course:

“If Tiger can, I can.”

And proceed on to contribute to the multi-billion dollar industry of second hand, used and lost golf balls.

Now of course, thanks to the recent months development, the mantra of “If Tiger can, I can” carries a much different connotation than simply thwacking a white golf ball all over the place. A statement like that might prompt a drunk response from your resident beer guzzler in your group: “Can? Can do what? Bang balls?”

Ah, the disrespect that Tiger gets these days. Even the vice-president of United States pokes fun at him.

http://gawker.com/5496024/joe-biden-asked-to-leave-correspondents-dinner-after-awful-tiger-woods-joke

But now, Tiger is coming back. His interview is at

http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/news/story?id=5016125

This is an interesting insight on our hero. Still as distant as ever to interviewers…ah we love you, Tiger! “That’s a private matter, this is a private matter, everything is private matter. You ask that again and I’m gonna Tiger-pow the mic into your face”

But it does look that he’s more humbled by the experience. Here are a the top 4 parts of interest:

1. The interviewer asked what treatment was he undergoing and he says it was private? I’m like, isn’t it obvious? He just had sex with 14 women, who, like MLM, probably has had sex with 14 other guys who had 14 other women who had 14 other guys etc….so overall, he probably had sexual relations (using Kevin Bacon’s 7 degrees of separation) with 2.2 million people in the world. WOW! It’s a treatment of either sexual addiction or AIDS, mr Interviewer!

2. He says he was excited to see the guys in Augusta again and he says he misses his friends and misses competing. I think it’s a lie. I think what he means is, “I miss making these grown losers cry because I’m taking away all the majors from them, especially that wanker Ernie Els.”

3.  He says he wants fans to clap for birdies. Is it an innuendo? Does birdies=one stroke under par? Or Birdies = Natalie Portman? Which one sounds better?

4. He says he loved Elin with “everything I have.” This is so interesting, because we usually say, we love so-and-so with everything “I am”, not “have”. Could this mean the 500 million dollars he has insured on their marriage?

And also, here are the top 4 things we don’t condone:

1) Cheating on his wife. Period. I mean, it’s bad enough to cheat, but the utmost disrespect is to cheat on her with those skanks that resemble your house doormats! And Elin is hot! Probably not as hot as Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel, but Tiger didn’t go for Nat or Zooey, he went for a couple of old women and a very old looking pornstar!

2) Disappearing for a few months. OK, that sucks, because we now think he doesn’t have the b*lls to face the music. How does that inspire us? The next time we critically injure someone with our slice shot, instead of going over to apologize and offer a jug of beer, we run back to our buggy and speed off.

3) Conducting a lamea$$ apology with only his friends present. It was lame. I mean, Elin wasn’t even there. Who they heck was he apologizing to? The Nike women sitting next to his mother? What are they going to do? Slap you with the million dollars they are offering at your altar?

4) Not picking a fight with Ernie and Jesper. I mean seriously, Tiger, if you are so tough on the course on people who disrespect you, (remember the hapless Steven Ames and clueless Rory Sabatini?) , why didn’t you jet over to Ernie’s place and smash his kneecaps again with your driver, and go over to Jesper’s place and bash his face in, while yelling, “I am improving your looks, monkey-man!”

Ah Tiger, we missed you.

Welcome back.

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