Where would you bring a newbie??

Since we’re on 2010, a lot of people have resolutions to pick up golf, or restart their golf again.

And many of them will quit before the first quarter is up.

I think it should be our sworn duty as professional hackers to add more people into our elite Cangkul Club, and encourage as many people as possible to undertake this lifelong curse of golf, so that we have company when we are bankrupt and impoverished thanks to spending all our time and money on this game.

I want to start a little series on ‘Playing Golf the Gila Way: A guide to shooting what we all know you are capable of shooting, which is not as good as what you think you can shoot.“

Let’s just start with the simple question:

Where do we bring these aspiring hackers and witless beginners to play so that they won’t throw their clubs into the water, or worse, throw themselves off the 14th floor after their game?

1. Jelutong Pitch and Putt Course

I’m about to write up this course after playing there last week…and it ain’t a nice review so look out for it. Unfortunately, due to newbies penchant for missing the darn ball, or likely killing an innocent passerby with a shank, it seems that this course is unavoidable in your journey as a hacker. It’s like the Online Multi Player games, where you have to kill lizards and little caterpillars with your axe before levelling up to killing goblins. This course is like you killing planktons. I.e it’s even lower than killing lizards and caterpillars to level up. It’s the lowest of the lowest of the lowest course for a newbie to play in, but like all rites of passage, they will need to go through it….for us season hackers, it’s more excruciating than having an endoscopy, colonscopy, eye surgery, removal of wisdom tooth and the amputation of your arm done all at once.

2. Bandar Utama 9 hole course

After graduating from killing planktons, the newbie will go to what we know as the Crap Course of PJ. For many reasons this course is still wildly popular due to the close proximity to civilisation and the obvious advantage for office workers to slip out during lunch time for a quick nine. It’s also the only 9 hole course in the world that feels like an 18 hole course, due to time immediately slowing down to slow motion when you play…mainly due to the 16 flights in front of you and the uncle bringing his nephew who takes 10 minutes to hit the ball 10 metres…backwards. Again, this is the course where it is understood that beginners will be playing, so if you are a seasoned hacker and you are there and you find yourself growing a beard, then just blame yourself for not going somewhere else. Or get the newbie you are forced to bring buy you a new 7-iron, which you will invariably break after finishing only 3 holes in 4 hours.

3. Kinrara

You are finally moving up the food chain. Kinrara used to be a decent course once upon a time, but I hear from my friends that it has since fell on hard times, and currently inhabited by cannibalistic hobbits. I’m not sure if that’s verifiable, but I tend to believe in whatever my friends tell me. But this is an ok course to bring a beginner, but only if he/she can tee up the ball decently and clear at least 20 metres with the ‘drive’. The crowd is decent, as in, it’s not like a stadium like Seri Selangor; but you’ll need to be careful a bit since there has been some kidnap/road rage/murder cases around the area which I highly suspect must be attributed to golfers who just lost their big bets.

4. Kundang Lakes

In contrast to Kinrara, I’ve heard Kundang Lakes have cleaned up their act abit since Gilagolf reviewed it. It’s probably a lot more decent now, and the good thing about this course is that it’s pretty decent on the price side….which is what turns out a lot of newbies. The problem with Kundang is probably the trip there (which isn’t so bad once you get used to it) and the crowd. It’s as bad as Seri Selangor and the wait time is excruciating.

5. UPM

UPM is not exactly a beginners course, because a newbie will likely lose around 150 balls hacking 18 holes. And with jungle all around, and the normal newbie tenacity to search for lost balls, they will likely die from a cobra sting as well. Which sucks, because it’s hard to play with a corpse next to you on the buggy. It’s annoying for someone to die in the middle of a round, you know. But UPM is reasonable on the $$, and the crowd is pretty forgiving as well if someone doesn’t tee past the ladies tee…in contrast to Seri Selangor or Rahman Putra, where the marshals will tranquilize the offender and feed him to cannibalistic hobbits.

6. Monterez

Ah Monterez. The course with the most human casualties due to golf balls. This is a course that strikes fear into every golfer’s soul because of the narrow fairways, the profileration of newbies and the general chorus of ‘FORE’ and ‘BALL’ and ‘OH NO, HE’S DEAD!’ resounding all over the course. Generally the course plays ok for beginners because it’s short, and the crowd, again generally understands that newbies tend to ply their trade here. But just watch out for those crazy shanks coming from all over. It’s like those arrows released from Helm’s Deep into Sauron’s army.

7. Bangi Course

Once the newbie has reached this stage, his or her rites of passage is almost complete. Because finally, they are able to play on a decent course. Bangi is highly recommended because the price range is reasonable (RM80 for Sunday afternoon, plus RM15 food voucher), and it’s actually a nice course (1st and 2nd nine that is). Once the newbie is reasonably comfortable off the tee, you should help banish the other sorry excuse of courses and just go Bangi to train.

Any thoughts on newbie courses?