The Old Familiar Feeling Again

Finally, golf is interesting again.

Instead of waxing lyrical about Tiger’s 73rd win at the age of 36 (Jack Nicklaus, arguably golf’s Greatest Of All Time – GOAT – was 10 years older when he nipped his 73rd win), let’s talk about how Tiger won it.

1) Rory – No, not our McIlroy, who has gone home to Wozniaki and cry together over their failures. Rory as in Sabbatini, the guy that likes to tweak Tiger’s ears and run off. Here’s the fact with Rory: he talks a big game but he doesn’t deliver. He talks. That’s it. He has never beaten Tiger in a true sense of the word…when they are head to head, mano e mano, because he can’t. He’s just not good enough. And Tiger gets super-powered when he knows a punk like Rory is ahead of him, winning one of his favourite tournaments with Jack Nicklaus watching. Watch out, Tiger Time is here.

2) The Young Guns – The young guns refer to a bunch of upstarts who are supposed to be the next Tiger Woods, in much the same way as there is supposed to be a next Michael Jordan. For both cases, it has been a demeaningly non-contest. Rory McIlroy was the next Tiger…but would Tiger fail to make a cut 3 times in a row at his Prime at number 1? Or play like a hack? Next up, Rickie Fowler, brother of Justin Bieber, I think. Staring down at this young gun, Tiger went on to shoot 67 to win the Memorial. His flight mate, Rickie, shot 84, which is worse than one of my Saturday flight mate, who earns approximately 7,800 times less than Rickie. And looks like Rickie’s carpet. And then you have a whole bunch of has-beens like Anthony Kim, Sergio Garcia, Ty Tyron and God knows who else. Tiger needs the motivation. He just needs to play with one of these punks and he gets Super-Powered.

3) Jack and Arnie – Jack’s tournament, Arnie’s tournament. Eversince his father passed on, the Gilagolf theory is that Tiger is always out to impress someone older and that he respected. Hence he always plays his best when the two best players in golf are hosting their tournaments. Plus it looks great on his CV. Can you imagine which introduction is better: Tiger Woods, winner of Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer’s tournament, or winner of Waste Management, Fries Open and Green Beer open? Super Powered.

Bring it on, US OPEN!

Professional Golf Tantrums

As usual, I’m going to leave the Augusta 2012 writings to professional writers. I’m sure they will be doing a much better job writing about how Bubba carved out that ridiculous hook from deep forest on the 10th to slamdunk Louis Whatisname and win the title. It was seriously the most ridiculous shot we’ve seen in a long long time.

But what caught the viewers attention was not so much of the big swinging pink driver player winning his first green, ugly jacket, but the shenanigans of Tiger Woods’ soccer kicking his 9 iron on the 16th after a bad shot.He got flamed for that. But seriously, why all the fuss?

Golfers have themselves to blame for every bad shot they make. Unlike football, tennis, basketball, squash, badminton, snooker…heck every game, even freaking Scrabble and Chess….your opponent would do something to you that would influence how you play your game. Golf is the only known game in the history of mankind where you are playing your own ball, with your own consequences of your own decision. Plus, you don’t have a shot clock…you are freaking standing over your ball for 30 seconds and you still can’t make a decent shot? Of course people would go ballistic!

Golf temper is part of the game. We won’t be human unless we go crazy now and then. The trick here is not when, or where…it is HOW. Here’s a list of how to professionally go Happy Gilmore over your shot.

1. The Curse

Power rating: 1. Let’s start off with the foul mouthed curse. Usually aimed at the offending ball, the offending club, the offending bird, the offending leaves, and at times, the offending caddie, or the offending best friend. It’s not effective, it just makes you look like a contractor playing the game. Anyone can do it. Even a homeless hobo.

Simplicity: 1. At times, people get creative with their curses and can do transitional curses in multiple language and in one breath. It sounds technical, but still, it’s quite simple once you get the hang of it.

Consequences: 1. You might get strange stares, but that’s about it. Most people don’t like to cross a multiple language cursing golfer with a driver in hand, and blood shot eyes and face as red as a lobster.

2. The Drop Club

Power rating: 2. The Drop Club is an intermediate tantrum technique, and is universally acceptable in all genres of golf. It has a better “power rating”, because many golf pros use this, thus it makes whoever who employs this technique look pretty professional. This is the unhappy cousin of the happier ‘Twirl Club’.

Simplicity: 3. There’s a slight complexity to this. It wouldn’t do to hit the ball, follow through, hold the club, then allow it to drop. That just makes you look stupid. The drop club must be done in one single movement, conveying the all important message that you know you “hit it wrong the moment the clubhead contacted the ball.” Obviously we know that as much as a chimp knows about thermodynamics. But you need to immediately let it go at two positions: Right at the end of your follow through (club dropsbackwards) or after your follow through, when uncoiling, dropping the club forward. Sometimes this technique is accompanied by the “Football Kick”, as demonstrated by Tiger Woods on Friday at Augusta 2012.

Consequences: 2. Generally this is a safe technique, since the ground absorbs the brunt of your fury….and it’s a ‘dropped’ club, so technically it won’t bounce back up to stab you in the artery. We recommend this as the starting tantrum to employ, since if people scold you or the marshal warns you, just tell him, the club slipped out of your hands.

3. The Slam

Power rating: 3. This is a more powerful demonstration of your temper, utilising the head (usually a driver) and slamming it to the ground, scattering pieces of dead bugs all over the place. Sometimes, this is done multiple times, usually to a 4/4 rhythm. This is known as the Multi-Slam technique.

Simplicity: 3. The slam is usually initiated after a bad drive, where on a retarded follow through that threatens every sinew of your already stretched spine, you uncoil from this unnatural stance and bring back your club downwards, slamming the head onto the ground. This is usually accompanied by The Curse.

Consequences: 5. The slam has unusually high consequence, especially when utilised with a graphite shaft driver. Sometimes, due to the ferocity of the slam, the head might loosen or worse, snap off. This can cause injury to self and others around (Like Henrik Stenson), or at severe times, even death (like CSI episode).

4. The Tomahawk

Power rating: 5. This is one of the big guns. Tomahawking is using your entire arm action with the single intent to bury the club (usually an iron’s toe) into the ground as deeply as you can. This is where the term, “Bury the hatchet” is derived from, since most golfers employing this technique are ‘hackers’.

Simplicity: 2. This is a lot easier than the Slam. This is where after hitting a bad iron shot, you turn around to ensure no one is within 10 meters of your explosive range, and using your entire arm and shoulders as if chopping a large piece of wood, you axe down your club with all the power you can muster. By and large, the favourite move of new players.

Consequences: 8. The Tomahawk is usually quite safe, because the iron usually buries deep into the dirt, and the only issue is that you need a crane to extract it out later. However, I’ve witnessed some tomahawks done in deep rough, and honestly this is VERY DANGEROUS. If the tomahawk lands on a root of a tree, broken wrist, bone and untimely death might be the consequences. Please do this with care.

5. The Furious Grass Cutter

Power rating: 6. The furious grass cutter is made famous by Sergio Garcia, when he hit a bad shot on a slope and then proceeded to continuously whack the slope and beat the slope into submission. This is a very potent tantrum and should be employed with care.

Simplicity: 5. This is complex, due to the balance required when you are hacking away at the slope. It must be done with enough ferocity to punish the offending slope, but not so much as to completely lose your balance. Those practicing pilates and yoga will appreciate this and are usually the best people to try this tantrum.

Consequences: 5. It’s a thing of beauty to see a golfer using this move. It’s probably not dangerous, since you’re swiping – not chopping…but if you lose balance, you might tumble back down the slope and end up looking like a true idiot.

6. The Club Snap

Power rating: 7. This is tantrum at its finest. Usually done with a driver, it demonstrates your herculean ability to snap things that displeases you. It’s like when you were a kid and snapping a pencil to show your power. Bad drive. Snap it, because I am strong and filthy rich. It’s a social statement of your immense strength and capacity to purchase more clubs. There is a very powerful variant to the club snap, which is called the Club-beating-the-head. This should NEVER BE DONE BY ANYONE EXCEPT WOODY AUSTIN, whose brains are the size of a peanut, thus allowing to have a very very tough exterior skull, something like Homer Simpson.

Simplicity: 4. It’s quite simple, but requires balance and strength. Just use your thighs as a levarage, and snap your club with both hands.

Consequences: 8. It’s a high risk tantrum, because not only you lose this club, you also might risk injuring your wrist or thighs. Also, if you happen to TRY this and fail, you will be viewed as one of the most idiotic failure golf has ever seen. Better to do some tests first, usually with some spare shafts and rods back home. Again, the variant of the Club Snap, the Club-Beating-The-Head has dire consequences if you are NOT Woody Austin.

7. The Club Fling

Power rating: 7. Like the club snap, this conveys to the world that your clubs are the 100% reason behind why you suck so badly. So throw ’em away. Buy new ones.

Simplicity: 1. This is a very powerful and simple move in your tantrum arsenal. Just fling the club forward as far as you can. Generally, you should throw your club forward so you can pick it up again on the way to your newly shanked ball.

Consequences: 6. A lot of things can happen when a club flies out of your hands. It could kill a wildlife, like a duck, hence the phrase “Dead Duck” is derived from here. It could maim a spectator or a maintenance worker. It could even cause your club to be lost. Either way, you need to be careful of your surroundings. This is a mandatory precaution for all “OUT OF HANDS” Tantrums maneuvers.

8. The Advanced Club Fling

Power rating: 9. This is by far the most powerful and simplest move you can make. Like the club fling, but with a destination: The WATER. Practitioners of this tantrum arts are well stocked with extra clubs, and well-off enough to sacrifice the club FOREVER. You just throw it away and never look back. The message you send here is, “Forget the past, move on to the future.” It is the singlemost powerful and positive statement one can make in golf.

Simplicity: 1. Find a body of water (not mud, mind you) and fling your useless, treacherous golf club as far as you can into the water! Usually accompanied by the ball as well, especially if you have missed a 1 foot putt to win RM500. Henrik Stenson does this best, when he simply shrugs and chucks the wedge over his shoulder into the pond without even looking at it again. Ultra coolness.

Consequences: 5. The only consequence here is that you lose the club. It usually won’t cause anyone pain since you have been so considerate as to deposit your club into the water.

9. The Hammer of Justice

Power rating: 10. The hammer of Justice is one of the special moves for tantrum throwing. It turns your relatively benign club into a weapon of mass destruction. The HoJ does not seek to destroy the club, like other methods do, but the surrounding environment within striking distance of its bloody rage.

Simplicity: 9. This is NOT simple. HoJ practitioners spend years honing their dark arts. They know which are the items that can be destroyed, and the amount of required strength to destroy it. For instance, Henrik Stenson (again, the Sith Lord of Tantrum arts), decapitated the tee box on the British Open with such accuracy that everyone was at awe at his master skill.

Consequences: 9. Very painful if you attack an Item, like a TREE, with the HoJ move. The club might rebound, snap and break your wrist or murder someone nearby. Always be aware of items, such as tee boxes that are not solid, nearby saplings, underbrush, and golf buggy.

10 The Complete, Psychological Meltdown

Power rating: 10+. This is the worst tantrum, because its a pyschological destruction of everything known to golf. Instead of a sudden flare of temper, this is possibly the most grevious of tempers and should only be done very very selectively, in fear of losing your friends, family members and being outcast as a leper to the society. You can view a whole montage of meltdowns here:

Simplicity: 10. Simply put, your entire mental health is washed away once you use this method. You will 6 putt, laugh at yourself crazily, walk slumped all around, refuse to talk to your friends, drive the buggy maniacally, purposely hit 5 golf balls into the pond or directed at a nearby house overlooking the golf course, chop up divots the size of Brazil and refusing to clean it, build sandcastles in the bunker, play Angry Birds as your friend prepare to drive/ or putt etc. The complexity of it is very high, since this is what we term as “The complete absence of the mind.”.

Consequences: Infinity. Once this happens, your golf career is likely over. You will never play again. It’s a lobotomy of golf. You will be golf’s vilest enemy, cursing this day as you lay at your death bed years from now. You will join one of those environmental hippie groups lobbying for the shutdown of all golf courses and turning it into a green lung. It is not just a retardation of your love for golf, it is the complete and utter devastation of it. It will be replaced by a magnificent, bottomless hatred of everything related to golf, except perhaps the possibility of sexy LPGA girls in short skirts. From here, there is no return, only prayers of existing golfers for one who has succumbed completely to the dark side.

New Era of the Wacky World of Woods

We recall just a few weeks back, when faith in Woods was at an all time low. After failing in the last round time and again, it was getting very frustrating to stay up and watch him flail around like a hacker and then to wake up to go to work, in obviously thunderous mood. People snickered. They said he was finished. They are ready to pour their accolades onto the shoulder of a 23 year old punk with pubic hair on his head. Or onto a Justin Timberlake lookalike that has about the same number of fans as a block of charcoal in your neighbourhood grocery store. I mean, as I have mentioned time and time again, if Tiger fades away, golf would enter into an era that would make the dark ages look like Mardi Gras on steroids. It would be the END OF GOLF AS WE KNOW IT (or EOGAWKI–pronounced Eh-oh-ga-wi-ki).

And like a burst of sunlight, too intense to look into, yet too mesmerising to turn away, EOGAWKI was summarily dispersed with Tiger capturing his seventh (or his eight?) Arnold Palmer Trophy. I don’t really know what the details are, except that he played as he should be played, and although it wasn’t Mr Pubic Hair on the Head he defeated, it was his fellow country man, who looks like Hugh Jackman who ate too much pork and also got stunted in the process.

Now before we crown him again, we need to know that Tiger has literally been to golf’s equivalent to Mordor and back.

1) Humiliation of dropping out of the Top-50. Now he’s back to six. He’s still some ways from Charcoal Donald and Pubic McIlroy, but at least there’s finally a recognisable US name in the Top Ten. For months, US had to be content with an old guy by the name of Steve Stricker and Homer’s brother, Webb Simpson.

2) His douchebag of a caddy called him out and wanted to shove something up his “coloured” bleep-hole. Now his player, Adam Scott is lower than Woods in world ranking. Steve Williams now lives in a mobile caravan in fear of his life, as assassins from the Bronx, Bangkok, Japan and where ever the heck Tiger is from are out to get him. Take that, racist Steve Williams.

3) His equally douchebag of a coach has written a tell all book “The Big Miss”, depicting Tiger as an egomaniacal, power-crazy, selfish piece of crap for the past couple of years. When you’re bringing in a 100 Million a year, it does crazy stuff to you. Big Deal, Hank. But you gotta hand it to Hank…he claims everything about Tiger is about golf, yet tells a story of how fearful he was asking Tiger for a popsicle. How is that related to golf, Hank? Your popsicle? As in, really?

4) His hot wife beat him up over some text messages and divorced him. She has since destroyed their home in a fit of rage, and re-married and named the scum in her new pond Tiger Eldrick Woods…in case there’s some ambiguity. What do you expect? She’s a descendant from Erik the Red. Tiger probably now fears for his life, as she’s calling the God of Thunder to descend upon his newly built life and damn him to eternal purgatory.

5) I don’t know if Tiger still hangs out with the pornstars, but really, his taste in pornstars really really suck. I mean compare him to Martin Sheen, who also hung out with a pornstar, Tiger’s choice is like choosing a dead hamster over a Bugatti Veyron Super Sports. It’s a complete embarassment. At least now, hopefully he steers clear of pornstars and get his life back in shape.

Bugatti Veyron: Most Expensive Car in The World

OK, Tiger, winning once ain’t gonna cut it. You are not Jesper Parnevik. You are supposed to win. So get that Augusta and bring us back from the brink of EOGAWKI!!

Tiger, Captain’s Pick

It’s highly weird that in the future, when introduced to the first tee box, instead of being stated as a multiple major winner and possibly the greatest golfer ever to wield a golf club, that Tiger would be introduced as the ‘2011 President’s cup captain’s pick’ and possibly the most vilified captain’s pick ever, probably based on the not-so-unfounded perception that the Captain can probably play better than Tiger right now.

But why so much hate?

ESPN writers write so much crap, because they are sports writers. One of their guys wrote:

“What has Woods done in the game lately? You (Fred Couples) tell us in your announcement that Tiger almost won the Masters in April. April? That’s practically another decade in golf.” – Farrell Evans

Farrell Evans

Hah? What you mean, Mr Farrell Evans? Don’t know how to count ah? Besides looking a little like Eddie Murphy’s not so funny doppleganger, he has other great insights to Tiger such as:

“Still, Tiger has to take some of the blame for your decision. He should have said he’s not fit to play. He should have said there are more deserving players who rank ahead of him. He could have said, “Fred, I’m 28th and why should I take a place on the team? Let somebody else have a chance.””

What about saying: Fred, add ALL THESE CLOWN’S Major wins and they won’t even come close to my total. I have single handedly moved Golf from the stoneage where idiots like these guys play for USD1,000 to million dollar paychecks. Without me, Golf will rank slightly lower in popularity than curling. And that’s curling hair, not even that game where people mop floors. We’d have GilaCurling instead of GilaGolf.

How on earth would Eddie Murphy think that Tiger is going to say, “Let somebody else have a chance?”.

“Tiger is no Lou Gehrig. He’s just a selfish player who is getting something for doing nothing. I want him to explain that to the kids at his Tiger Woods Learning Center and the kids from The First Tee, an organization his fame helped to inspire.”

He’ll explain this, Eddie Murphy Doppleganger: “Kids, people like you if you’re good. Like me. So be excellent and you can relax for the rest of your lives because you own the media and guys like President Cup captains. End of story.”

A lot of people don’t think Tiger should be on the team, but face it, this is the President’s Cup. It ain’t the World Cup. It comes every two years. And alternately, there’s the Ryder Cup, so actually, you have EVERY SINGLE YEAR either President or Ryder cup, so what’s the big deal? I don’t mean to demean these events like Rory, but you know, the World Cup defines a player’s career once every four years. At most, every footballer has 3 World Cups in his life if he is lucky, and good. After every World Cup, fortunes changes, from great gems like Ronaldinho to extremely crap players like Haji Diouf. That’s why there’s so much passion in the World Cup, from the players who needs the careers and the officials who need all the bribe money.

As much as I love Golf, I’d be drunk on weed and durians at the same time if I were to compare Ryder/President’s Cup to the World Cup. It’s not. Golfers are defined by majors because this is an individual sport, not a team sport. So guys like Eddie Murphy Twin who thinks President’s cup is a clear watershed of a golfer’s career, they are probably high on weed and drunk on durian juice.

+ Farrell Evans

President’s cup is for entertainment. An Exhibition aimed to bring about the most money and interest in golf so golf individuals get more exposure, so events get more money and everyone gets paid more. Rory was right, even if he was eventually crucified by it. He was just stating history, because The Ryder Cup does come from the fact that exhibiton matches had been played and this was just a progression of it.

So, who is the most marketable golfer right now? Go for him. No matter if he’s playing like a epileptic baboon at the moment, the world needs him. Economy needs him. The Golf industry needs him. I mean, can you imagine the buzz if Tiger ends up playing with Adam Scott? That storyline in itself is enough for Fred to make the decision. It’s a blockbuster, Avatar-Like moment for Golf. Right now, Tiger’s golf studs is probably more marketable than most of the dudes on the President’s Cup team. Really. Stricker, Kuchar, Watney, Simpson, Bill Haas. Really? Who’s scared of these guys?

vs

The only wish I have is that Fowler gets selected aside from Tiger. He cracked me up in the Golf Boyz Video with Bubba, Mahan and the super funny Ben Crane.

Caddie-Gate and The World of Ingrates

I just thought, on the eve of the final major of 2011, on the eve of the final event where Tiger needs to get it done or go home for the season: that there are so many more compelling storylines than the one that’s hogging the show right now. Not to say the least about the lousy economy or the bashing the stock market has taken over the weeks; we’ll focus solely on golf.

Golf. That’s right. When has it become the circus that it is?

They call it Caddie-Gate. They call out Tiger for being a lousy employer. They bring to attention Tiger who has not changed, who is still the arrogant prick before and after the hydrant incident in November 2009. So he fired his Caddie. The caddie who has been ‘loyal’ to him all these years, his best friend, his old buddy, his wing man. What kind of sick, mentally challenged idiot would do that? What’s wrong with you, Tiger?

Here’s what’s wrong. Nothing.

Steve Williams showed the world who the real villain was in his post round interview after winning in Firestone with Adam Scott (that is such an ironic story line), saying that the win was the best week he had in life. Are you serious?

What about winning all the majors with Tiger?

What about getting married (well, he divorced but he wouldn’t have known that when he got married, right?)

Or just for sakes, how about saying the charitable foundation he started out for underprivileged kids as the best week of your life?

Steve Williams earned in excess of $10 Million during his time with Tiger. For carrying a bag. And throwing cameras and photographers into the lake. I mean, seriously, $10 Million USD? And he’s pissed off with the guy that helped made him that? He was caddying for Raymond Floyd before this gig with Tiger…he would be making probably US40,000 over the same period of years.

Steve was sacked by Greg Norman too in his prime. Greg went on to win 12 more PGA tour events including the Open championship over 8 years. It was believed Steve got ‘too close’ to Greg. Read: He was probably giving too many opinions to Greg and scolding him for fluffing the chip shot etc, like what the KGNS caddies do to us. I mean, who’d like playing with a clown like that?

I have a feeling that Steve Williams could have been grumbling too much with Tiger, as Tiger recuperated and got well. I mean, so he hasn’t won in 2 years. You’ve got USD10 Million for your troubles and you blast him over the media like he owes you something? Seriously. Steve is a great caddy. But that’s all there is. He ain’t the guy swinging the club. Tiger is.

And Tiger has given him there was, and if there’s a time for change, then take it and move on. I mean, it’s not as if Tiger didn’t pay him or whatever. WHO CARES if it’s an SMS or face to face etc? What sort of planet of emotional metrosexual idiots are we now living in? Why does Steve thinks he’s entitled to some privilege from Tiger? Is it because he got replaced by a caddy who resembles Snow White, without the puffy shoulder pads and laced skirts, and 7 strange old men looking at her sleeping?

In the perfect world, Tiger would have just replied: “Steve, I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the millions that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “Thank you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a 7-iron, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!”

Ah, Colonel Nathan Jessep, everyone’s favourite character.

img_fewgoodmen.jpg

In conclusion: Tiger took the higher road. He didn’t blast Steve over the media. In fact, he even said he texted Steve after Adam Scott won, and congratulated him. Even if he DID NOT do it, the fact that he said it, it’s like pulling out 4 wisdom teeth at once for Tiger. With a rusted plier. But Tiger did it, because he was grateful for Steve’s service over the years. Unfortunately, Steve, the ingrate, is just interested in pulling down his golden goose. Tiger made the right choice. With a character like Steve Williams, who is so used to winning and only interested in winning: during a time of rehab, Tiger needs a change. Less expectations. Less loud mouthed opinions. He needs to find his zen again before killing everyone in the course like he used to do.

I hope it starts this week.

Who Wins in the Major?

Now that the British Open is over, and the unlikeliest champion has emerged, we’ll all wind down the year and have a look at it. Wait, there’s still the PGA Championship and Fedex Cup. Meh. We all know that the last major, with flukes like Shaun Micheel, Rich Beem and YE Yang, isn’t as prestigious as the other 3. And Fedex cup? Please. Gimmicky.

Darren Clarke of Northern Ireland smokes a cigarette during the final round of the British Open golf championship at Royal St George's in Sandwich

So, the cigaratte chomping (curious, isn’t a cigaratte consider an outside help?) Daren Clarke wins, and I’ll leave to other better writers to talk about the glory of Northern Ireland majors, the odds, the story surrounding Sunday’s win, and the humiliating hacking nonsense conjured up by Phil Mickleson, Dustin Johnson and all the other clowns chasing Daren. It wasn’t so much that Daren won it, but the other fellas lost it. Missing a two footer. Check, Mickleson. Shanking into OB at a critical hole. Check, Dustin. Pulling into weeds and losing grip of club. Check, Anthony Kim. Whacking into the spectator stands. Check, Mickleson. What, again?? What’s wrong with you, tubby??

Phil Mickelson Phil Mickelson of the United States misses a birdie putt on the eighth green during the final round of The 140th Open Championship at Royal St George's on July 17, 2011 in Sandwich, England.

Now, what has this got to do with Tiger? Everything. Since our old friend left the game in shambles, we’ve got all these bunch of pretenders stepping up the plate and taking what they can. It’s like a pack of hyenas, after the lion has finished his fill of the dead elephant and wanders off to sleep, they come and gorge on the remains and take all they can before the old lion comes back and chase them all out.

Without Tiger, majors have seen first time winners piling up. Daren. Rory. Charles. Martin. Louis. Graeme. 6 consecutive first timers, and NOT. ONE. AMERICAN. Face it, for the viewers, supporting the underdog only makes sense if there is a top dog. We ALL want to have a top dog. There’s a culture of heroes in humanity. Hercules. Achilles. The naked guy in 300. Julius Caesar. Douglas MacArthur. Joan of Arc. King Arthur. Hang Tuah. Or, looking at sport heroes: Muhammad Ali. Michael Jordan. Maradona. The one person that stands above the rest, that says, “Don’t eat my elephant until I’m finished, you pack of hyenas!”

Tiger Woods, love him or hate him, is one of them. He is the Top Dog. He’s the Alpha Male. And he doesn’t like to share.

Once the Top Dog goes, you’ve got these hyenas going for the majors and the number 1 in the world. Luke Donald aka Justin Timberlake Lookalike. What a joke. A world number 1 CAN’T make the CUT??!! Lee Westwood, another joke. Martin Kaymer? He can’t draw the ball. Rory? We like him, but too streaky, just like a hacker.

Martin Kaymer and Lee Westwood - Singles Matches-2010 Ryder Cup

The real winners are all the PGA players, because since Tiger left, their chances have improved like 5000% to win a major. Also, the sport writers, because now they have more stories to write about, aside from the normal “Tiger Wins.” or the Horrendously overused, “Tiger out of the Woods” or “Tiger in the Woods”. Recently they have gotten a little creative thanks to his liaisons with pornstars, and have cheeky titles like “Tiger getting Woody” or “Tiger shows his Wood”. But still, over used. Now, with these new batch of hyenas, writers can be more creative with their headlines, such as:

If Rory wins: “Ror-ring victory”

If Daren wins: “Clarke of the Devil”

If Sergio wins: “Serg-ing to victory”…and my favorite:

If Thomas Bjorn wins: “To Infinity and Bjorn!”

Gilanalysis 18: KGPA

Handicap:20

Gross: 101

Net: 81

Verdict: Blown away by KGPA!

What Happened

Every once in a while, you happen to have one game when you play so tremendously badly, that you don’t ever want to see golf, or pick up your clubs that you have tomahawked 3 feet into the ground, ever again.

Well, this ain’t one of it.

In fact, I was extremely surprised at how bad my scores were, considering I felt I was in somewhat control of my game. My strategy today was simple, keep it on the fairway and play conservative.

We teed up on the back nine, and I used my 3 wood almost for all the holes except for hole 12 and hole 18. I hit 5/7 fairways enroute to a strange 50. My first hole, I missed a 4 footer. Second hole, I put my hybrid in the drink. Par 5 12th, I hit a solid PW into the green only to see it roll off and I badly putted to a double. And Hole 13, a solid 9 iron was just off and I couldn’t get up and down.  Most of the double bogeys taken in the front nine, were brain-farts: duffed chip, topped chip, easy misses on the putts.

Crossing to the front nine, I started with consecutive triple with my 3 wood due to OBs, and I thought, what the heck, let’s go for the driver now and immediately played much better. My other triple was the excruciating Index 1 par 5. After the first one in the drink, I hit a pure 3 wood and left 160 meters up hill. I completely shanked my hybrid into the hazard and from there, it was just idiocy after idiocy until the end.

I felt I played better than the scores suggest, but hey, that’s only me, right? Curse KGPA and all the OBs!!!

Why I Sucked

My 3 wood was accurate but lacked the distance, so long irons sucked obviously  enroute to a grand total of ZERO greens in regulation. I think the conservative strategy is no good for KGPA. My irons and driver continue to give me nightmares.

Not So Sucked

While my putter was so so, my chipping were a lot better. I basically changed my stance to be lower and more like hitting from the bunker, as opposed to upright, like putting. It solved a lot of my duffed and top chips (though i still had here and there). Nice to know something you have worked on is finally working on the course!

What to Work On

Accuracy is key in KGPA, like Seri Selangor. I can’t imagine with my driver like a banana slice to score anything respectable on this course. What to work on? Maybe looking at playing at easier courses!

Golfing Doldrums

As some of you might know, Gilagolf hasn’t really been going out there to new courses to get new reviews in. In fact, I haven’t been going out there on any course, period. It obviously sucks to be working your butt off weekdays and weekends just to chase the almighty moolahs, but hey, it is what it is. Looking forward to year end.

So, entertainment has really been in the form of sitting around the couch flipping channels. The golf season has theoretically ended, the only question is whether our old friend Tiger can muster one win this season in the Chevron Challenge underway….he’s not bad, he’s actually leading, and even tweeted he had a nice drive on 18. What?? He’s actually engaging us, the low scum reptilian golfers! Is this the softer Tiger? Is he becoming a Pussy…cat?

Here’s just a run down of the top 5 interesting sports news to think about before year end comes and hopefully golf can begin again:-

1) Chevron Challenge – We’re really hoping that Tiger can win. Serious. I’m so sick and tired of seeing a non-american golfer up there. It’s been more than 72 hours of non-american arrogance at number 1. THAT HAS TO CHANGE!!! I can’t handle any more of seeing a fat world number 1 who is not John Daly! I can’t handle anymore of stupid Ian Poulter and Rory mcIlroy stupid tweets making fun of Tiger! Tiger, it’s time you wedgie these english wankers!

2) Still on golf – Could I be the only person in the entire planet who is extremely excited about Golf Season 2011 because of the return of: DAVID DUVAL?? Here’s a guy who was number 1, then went down to number 218,777,567th, just about 2 steps above my ranking, and now somehow by some luck is in the top 125 again!! We’re starting up a Duval tracker, that will track everything about Gilagolf’s most favourite golfer of all time, because he just looks so darn cool with the Oaks even though he now resembles something between John Daly and a Double Quarter Pounder Cheese Hamburger.

3) Miami Heat vs Cleveland Cavaliers – For those who met me, do not let my pudgy physique deceive you, I was once a very good basketballer in my hey days. I am a Miami Heat Fanatic since Timmy Hardaway cracked ankles with his Utep Two-Step Crossover, and went bonkers when they acquired Lebron James this season. Although they are playing sh*t so far, it’s good they blew Cleveland out of the building.

4) Juventus the Italian Idiots -My blood is black and white, and have been a Bianconeri fan since my umbilical was cut. But what a bunch of crap idiots to draw with a stupid team from Poland and crashing out of the greatest European championship ever, the famous Europa League. In fact, Champions League can go suck dirt. Perhaps in some ways, there’s a kinship of suffering between Liverpool and Juve. As much as you Scousers hate the Devils, we also hate the Nerazzuri, and wish them a thousand deaths in the hands of your former coach.

5) Malaysia lose 5 -1 to Indonesia – Ok mah. At least we score one goal lor….better than Real Madrid….

The Koreans are in Town

Some time back, there was a comment by an LPGA player Jan Stephenson:

“This is probably going to get me in trouble, but the Asians are killing our tour. Absolutely killing it. Their lack of emotion, their refusal to speak English when they can speak English. They rarely speak.
“We have two-day pro-ams where people are paying a lot of money to play with us, and they say hello and goodbye. Our tour is predominantly international and the majority of them are Asian. They’ve taken it over.”
“If I were commissioner, I would have a quota on international players and that would include a quota on Asian players,” Stephenson told Kessler. “As it is, they’re taking American money. American sponsors are picking up the bill. There should be a qualifying school for Americans and a qualifying school for international players. I’m Australian, an international player, but I say America has to come first. Sixty percent of the tour should be American, 40 percent international.”

“This is probably going to get me in trouble, but the Asians are killing our tour. Absolutely killing it. Their lack of emotion, their refusal to speak English when they can speak English. They rarely speak.

“We have two-day pro-ams where people are paying a lot of money to play with us, and they say hello and goodbye. Our tour is predominantly international and the majority of them are Asian. They’ve taken it over.”

“If I were commissioner, I would have a quota on international players and that would include a quota on Asian players. As it is, they’re taking American money. American sponsors are picking up the bill. There should be a qualifying school for Americans and a qualifying school for international players. I’m Australian, an international player, but I say America has to come first. Sixty percent of the tour should be American, 40 percent international.”

It’s funny, because we sometimes associate westerners as the leader of the free world, but some of my dealings with them is that some of them have the most backwater thinking I have ever encountered. In America, it’s simply because they are so darn huge, most of them in the midwest have never seen the ocean before. The largest pond to them is probably the one fronting the par 3 5th hole in their local course. But Jan Stepheson is Australian, so what she says doesn’t make sense….unless she’s smoking weed while interviewing, which, as most people concluded, she was.

Anyways, racism is obviously laced in every aspect of that interview, especially, her labelling ‘Asians’ as lack of emotion, refusal to speak English, and rarely speaking, American money, American sponsors, different qualifying schools etc. That was back in the days of Martin Luther King, woman! That’s race segregation, and that’s why Rosa Parks sat on the darn bus and didn’t give up her seat to a white dude, you racist!!

The reason why I’m ranting on some news that is 7 years old, was because I tried calling up Awana and Berjaya Hills Golf Course to organise a cooling 36 hole blitz last week. The response:

“Sorry, we are closed for non-Koreans until March.”

What?

“Yes, a group of 120 koreans have booked the morning and afternoon slots until March.”

What if I stayed over at the resort—?

“Sorry, there is no more place unless you are a Korean until March.”

Now, I know the receptionist isn’t exactly well trained, but that sounds like a racist remark to me. To play at Awana and Berjaya Hills, I need to be Korean? Please, somebody clarify.

Shouldn’t a club have some policy against people booking out the entire course 3 months ahead? Have they paid up front? You mean they are paying 60 flights a day (30 morning, 30 afternoon) for 90 days @ say RM100 average, so they paid up RM540,000??!?!?!

So suddenly the Koreans become the golf superiors like Jan Stephenson and Malaysians are left on the fringe. It’s another reason why Berjaya Hills is in the category of Waste of Time and Money (although we want to go due to the weather). It might be a good business decision of course, but what about Berjaya club members? Or people who are staying there? Shouldn’t there be a fair share of booking available every day for local non-Koreans to play?

I’ve got nothing against Koreans, in fact, some of best pals are Koreans, but come on….seriously, can you imagine Saujana closed to public for 3 months because the Sultan of Brunei decide to pay and play there all alone? What happened to the club’s civic duty to provide amenities to its members and walk in hackers like us?

Koh Samui Football Golf

Introduction

This is our first review of a golf course not in Malaysia. In fact, we have travelled far to the idyllic island of Koh Samui to bring you a review of a course that is both unique, challenging and ultimately, despite its flaws, will give you the kind of enjoyment courses like Bukit Unggul, KRTU and all those listed under WOTM and AAC category can only dream of.

We’re talking about the new phenomenon, the integration of the game we love but suck at, with the game our country love but totally, incredibly suck at it as well.

Football.

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Actually, it’s a good idea. Make the holes a little bigger, and voila. That’s it. You don’t need to invest in any clubs, as long as you have a leg, you can probably get started already. It’s simple. Kick using your leg (duh) and get the football into the hole. Have a couple of obstacles like coconut trees and coconut husks, and lure in unsuspecting tourists from Malaysia and charge them RM60, slice their throat and make a crazy profit margin. Maintenance is virtually nil, since you can attribute the long grass, holes, sands, nails and the itinerant cobra to all being ‘part of the course’. Just sit and watch the moolahs flow in. In fact, I don’t know why I didn’t come up with this concept. I’m off to Ulu Yam to buy a land and make it into a footgolf course.

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Travel (2/5)

Umm. Actually, once you get to Koh Samui, it’s pretty straightforward. I mean, if you’ve been to Koh Samui, it’s just basically turn left after you exit from the airport and keep going till you see the signs. I know, the direction really suck, but you need to be a seriously sucky driver to miss it. It’s only one road.

We’re giving it a 3, since the travel to Koh Samui, at best would be via Firefly, and once there, rent a car and it’s a breeze getting to the course.

A note on Firefly. They suck. I mean, of course, if you pay for crap, you get crap, and Firefly is the absolute poster boy for CRAP SERVICE. If you think Air Asia is bad, Firefly takes toilet class to a whole new different level.

They changed my flight without informing. Of course, they claimed they sent me an sms, which I didn’t get, and we had to cough out almost RM1000 extra just to get ourselves to Koh Samui via Bangkok and waste an entire day of our vacation. The Firefly Corporate comms lady, Alita, refused to offer us anything more than a refund, claiming that they ‘followed procedures’ and basically told me to Fly Uncle Charlie’s Kite off.

I’m not sure if anyone else had such bad experience with this stupid airlines, but unfortunately they are the cheapest. The best advice I can give is to call two-three days earlier to confirm flight times.

I’m now so pissed again with the recollection of Firefly that I’m downgrading this to 2. DANG YOU FIREFLY, YOU SUCK! And don’t get me started on MAS, because they suck as well. Crap begets crap I guess.

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Price (1/5)

Being in Koh Samui means you’re on vacation. For the locals, that means, a lot of waterfish lying around. Waterfish = Sui Yee = SUCKERS.

You just need to resign to the fact that as long as you don’t speak thai, or look Chinese, or carry a camera around, or drive a rented car, or basically don’t go shirtless and have wakeboard abs, or don’t have unpronounceable names…you’re a Sui Yee. You’ll always be charged more than the locals, so live with it. Don’t fight it.

We were charged RM60 per person to play 18 holes. Yes, you go: WHAT??! But come on, if you want cheaper rates, either marry Thai, or speak their language or get that belly of yours toned down. Or you could just change your name to Thamnatiwa Pornatigerwoodsik.

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First thoughts

You can probably take one sweep at the course and see every thing. It’s in a pretty small acre of land, with coconut trees and some pathetically made obstacles to scare you off.

You can either wear your shoes or take them off…I recommend you to wear something at least, because the balls are not exactly made of soft stuff either. Footballs, that is. Also, where you will be most likely kicking balls, it will be in places where the sun doesn’t shine….under the trees, not sure what thoughts came into your depraved mind.

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Service(4/5)

Despite the obvious meat cleaver they held in their hands to chop us into RM60 for this kind of course, you gotta hand it to the Thais. They are top class in service. I only wish our Malaysian service industry, especially those buffoons in MAS and Firefly can learn something from Thailand.

As soon as we parked the car, the owners of this course came out to welcome us. There were these two elderly ladies, smiling, laughing, genuinely caring for us while they slowly carved our necks with the meat cleavers.

After 9 hole, and no doubt, feeling somewhat bad for making a 10,000% margin on us, they gave us each a free bottle of coke to quench our thirst. I wish other clubs would do it. Then again, very few clubs have their clubhouse and bar 10 feet away from where you are teeing up.

One more note is that their website http://www.samuifootballgolf.com is a WHOLE LOT BETTER than a lot of our local golf courses. I mean, at least they take themselves seriously. Nicely done, Mr Golf Football dude, whoever you are.

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Fairways, Greens and Rough

Obviously these ‘fairways’ were somewhat limited. I’m not sure where the fairways start and the rough begins. Sometimes, the fairway is lined up with rocks and such, but I think it would be a pretty unfair assessment to grade their fairways, rough and greens, so we’re just going to skip those for now.

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Aesthetics (2/5)

The novelty factor wears thin after probably the 12th to 13th hole. The fact is most holes looks the same. I’m not sure what you could have done to make it better, given the size of the land and the flatness of it. At times, even putting the ball down at the ‘tee off’ was considerably difficult due to it keep rolling back.

Some of the holes are definitely a little more fun, like the 1st, where you need to kick the ball through coconut trees. Or the long 17th uphill, where you can likely hit the par 5 in one kick. Which I did. Then proceed to 4 ‘putt’. Putting with your feet is definitely not as easy as it looks.

Many of the holes you can probably drop for hole in one,  or eagle it, that is the fun of the game I guess. Sometimes I wish playing on the real course would be this easy.

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Fun Factor (4/5)

This is a course you shouldn’t play alone in, because it will seem like you’re the loneliest guy in the world. Everyone that comes should be in a group or at least with a partner. And no, they don’t have caddies, so don’t think about hiring one and letting her coddle you. And no, they don’t have buggies where the caddies sit on your lap either. What do you think this is, Tasik Puteri??

The fun is still there if you play with that in mind. My very first kick, thanks to my close relative Lionel Messi teaching me before, was so great it rebounded off three coconut trees and entered into the hole 9 hole. HOLE IN ONE!! Woohoo! The course marshal (I.e the fat lady owner sitting at the bar stool counting her money and sharpening her meat cleaver for the next victim) immediately hopped up and down and shouted “FAULT FAULT!”. Yeah we hear you, enough already before the whole clubhouse falls on you.

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It gets thin fast if you don’t have a fun group or a fun person playing with you. At one point, I think hole 16, I decided to give it the good ol’ goalie kick, where you use your hands and drop the ball and kick it. I duffed it and it scooted into the trees and got stuck in the branches. You know, play as it lies I guess. I used my head (and a hand of God) to knock the ball down and proceeded to chip out of the jungle.

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Heck, I still shot 60! I thought I won the prize with a 6 under score, but then I saw the high scores posted were like 45, 46, with several hole in ones. DANG, my dream to being a professional football golfer has ended!

It’s fun in a group but don’t do this if you’re alone.

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Conclusion

So much for our first foray overseas. The Koh Samui football club should be recommended only if:

1)      You got time to burn

2)      You got a companion, not a caddy but an actual one

3)      You don’t mind being a Sui Yee

If these conditions are met, you can actually spend 3 hours there just fooling around. I prefer this than all those interminable hikes available in Koh Samui.

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The good: Good time waster in vacation; improve your football; get very good scores; good service with coke in between nines.

The bad: Price is meant to kill you; fairways, rough and greens non existence; no maintenance; flat and boring terrain

The skinny: 11 of 20 divots (55%). 99% of the time you’re in Koh Samui you’re on a vacation. There’s pretty nothing much to do there, so if you’re there with some mates or your wife, or someone special, this is a good way to blow your afternoon away…it might end up being cheaper than going to the shopping district.

Koh Samui Football Golf Scorecard

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Koh Samui Football Golf Information

Address: Koh Samui Island

Contact: 0897717498

Website: http://www.samuifootballgolf.com