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Did Tiger Take an Illegal Drop?

Now, before starting this, there are two things I need to point out:

1) I am a huge Tiger fan. Everyone reading this blog knows it. So, obviously I am extremely biased for him, and for the record, I thought the drop he took at Augusta did not matter a fart whether it was one or two meters back or front, because he would dialed in the same anyway.

2) I suck as a golfer. I play to 19, and usually on Saturday games I take illegal drops all the time, usually because I am too lazy to walk back to the tee for a lost ball shot, or simply because I don’t want to dirty my shiny shoes. That being said, we don’t bet in our Saturday games, so we are very loose with the rules. So suck it, golf nerds who think I am a cheater. The loose-ness becomes tight when there’s a bet on the line, because, then we are a little bit more anal on ball drops, because we’re playing for RM1 or RM2, which is like USD200,000 per hole when converted.

Here’s the problem with the ball drops.

For OB or lost ball, even when we’re betting, we’re generally OK with the rule that you can drop your ball on the fairway and take a 2 shot penalty. But drop it parallel to where you think you lost your ball. Now, there’s no such rule in reality. Reality is that you were supposed to hit a provisional ball anyway and play. But sometimes, we see the ball land but when we search for it, it disappears. So that’s legitimate. Now again, I’ve played with golf nerds who insist to go back to the tee. These are the sorts that constantly walk around their lives with a seven iron stuffed up their ass, or oldish fellas who thinks everyone has all the time in the world to play golf and a 6 hour round is perfectly fine for golf. No, it’s not. Most of us have what we call a Life to go back to, so hurry along please.

Tiger faced what we call a lateral water hazard. Red stakes. Which doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. At times, you can definitely drop the ball where the water is taken out of play which was where Woods dropped it.

The argument here was that he likely dropped the ball wrongly because you can only technically dropped where he dropped if he did a giant hook.

Let’s illustrate here:

The red line is where Tiger Woods and his partners said he hit. It’s a big hook that flew across the fairway and veered left into the water, where he eventually dropped it at the red arrow. He hit an amazing shot, a 3 wood with ball above his feet, to the fringe of the green and made double bogey. However, replays from an overhead blimp showed that his ball flight was much straighter and less hook (blue line) and likely crossed the hazard at where the blue arrow was, which meant he had to play it around 100 yards or so further back, which might cause him to triple, and tie the second guy for playoff instead of outright win.

Now, watching the overhead blimp, it does seem like the ball never hooked the way Tiger said it hooked. Which is why it’s contentious. Because the playing partner (I forgot his name) said Tiger was right. Now, Tiger is Tiger. Everyone except Steve Williams will kiss his ass, so I am thinking if Tiger said, the ball turned into an elephant halfway down the fairway and flew into the sun in a yellow horse, this playing partner would have agreed. But this is golf, as long as the playing partner agrees, and the caddies agree the ball flight was the red one, Tiger is OK to drop it. Since no one can see the ball flight better than the guys from the tee-box.

You could probably ask a spectator, but then again, everyone would have a different view at it. From the blimp, it’s hard to see how the heck it would have crossed where the red line is, it was more of the blue line.

So, even if I am a hardcore Tiger fan, it does seem very iffy to drop where he dropped.

Then again, if he had asked me, I would have said yes, it did turn into a pink elephant and flew off into the sun in a yellow horse, Mr Tiger. Yes, Sir!

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Gilagolf Prediction Engine for Masters 2013

OK.

It was pre-mature to crown Tiger Woods for his Augusta major this year. But who’d have thought this sequence would occur:

1. Hit a perfect shot on a par 5 15th, his 3rd shot.
2. So well that it hit the flag and rebounded into the water. (??)
3. Angry so he drops the ball, 2 yards back from where he hit his 3rd.
4. 2 yards. Back.
5. Hit a perfect shot, but later got penalized for a wrong drop.
6. Hard to contend with absolute nutters who say he should DQ himself. I hear a lot of stupid remarks in my life, but golfers really take the cake for stupidity. This isn’t honesty people. This is stupidity. This is like John Terry who fouled Luis Suarez in the penalty box, and then forces the ref to give Luis Suarez the penalty and then gives himself the red card and send himself off. Why are golfers, especially those who stay up late and watch the Masters and blog about it, so absolutely DUMB? Aiyoh.

Anyway, from a birdie shoo-in, he got a bogey, and then compounded with another +2, that turns it to triple bogey. So we had a 4 stroke swing there. That changed everything. That cost him the tournament. Which begs the question to Tiger: You have played in Augusta freaking 19 times. How the heck did you drop that wrongly??

So who is left?

Tiger is stuck at -4. He would have been the co-leader if he had not lost 4 strokes on that 15th. Fine. Our prediction engine works. It just doesn’t take into account balls hitting the flag and crazy viewers complaining that Tiger wrongly dropped his ball. Bubba Watson is right. These guys who complain needs to get a LIFE.

First is Angel Cabrera aka Dr Octopus. Is he going to win? He won it before. But he is WILD. He’s like a WILD buffalo in the plains of western Ohio. When pressure hits him especially the back 9, he’s going to choke, because his swing just can’t hold up. He won a few years back thanks to that Perry guy choking and losing a 2 stroke lead with 2 holes to play.

Chasing him are 3 Australians, looking to be the first Australians winning the Masters. This might be the year, after the nightmare that Greg Norman endured, it took decades for Australians to find their belief again. Anyways. Day, Scott and Leishman. Adam Scott I don’t think so, after what he endured in the British Open. Too many demons. Leishman we don’t think so as well, because he’s a nobody. Augusta gods generally don’t like first timers who hasn’t put their numbers yet, unlike the PGA championship gods, also known as the major with the biggest amount of nobodies as winners.

There’s a guy called Brandt Snedeker also in the mix. But we already said, as long as he doesn’t cut his hair, he ain’t gonna win it.

So that leaves Jason Day, who looks half Asian, and who we will be predicting to be Augusta champion. The first Australian to do so!

Oh by the way, Bubba Watson, our Masters champion made the cut. But he shot a +10 on the par 3 12th, the famous Amen Corner par 3. That is a sextuple bogey. That’s humiliating Bubba. But wait, he’s not the only one. There’s our all time favourite hacker, Kevin Na, the king of high scores and the most likely person that should not be playing on the PGA tour due to the embarassment he has endured as a pro through his career. I hate to hit an Asian brother when he’s down but…..WHY IS KEVIN NA A PRO WHEN HE PLAYS LIKE CRAP???!?! Kevin Na also shot a 10 but that’s nothing compared to his duodecuple bogey a few years back, a +12 over. So this guy is really used to playing lousy golf and an inspiration for hackers all over the world, that you could actually play crap golf and play at the top level! NA!!!!

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Dear Tiger

Dear Tiger,

Thank you.

After your ridiculous fall from grace, we continued supporting you. When your stock was as low as Enron, we supported you. When women after women came and said you were their kid’s father, even if the kid was white, with blue eyes and blonde hair, we stuck by you. When all your other supporters fell away, we stuck by you.

Suck it, Gillette. Consider yourself shaved off the books. Suck it, Gatorade, you’re all out of fizz. Suck it AT&T. You made a bad call. Suck it, Tag Heuer. Your timing is crap. Suck it, Golf Digest, you miss the deadline. Suck it Accenture, you guys are nothing but CON-SULTANs. And most of all, Suck a big one, Steve Williams, you are the world’s biggest loser. And sub-suck it Hank Haney, because you’re better of retired.

To Nike, even if they made you play lousy golf, at least they sabotaged Rory as well, so that you can once again be the king of the hill. EA Sports, your games are awful, but you stuck by Tiger, because your customers are all geeks anyway who wish to bang multiple pornstars. Rolex, you are a genius, to swing Tiger your way when Tag is so incredibly STUPID. Most of all, Kowa. You gave Tiger the sponsorship deal when everyone abandoned him.

And of course, thank you, Tiger for continuing on with Gilagolf’s sponsorship. Which is only sponsoring your sweater. When you play only on Mondays. And only when you are in the lead. And when it also happens that you will be number 1 if you win. And only if you sink a put 28 feet long. With a Nike Putter. And when you just got involved with another woman. Who is a skiier and not a pornstar. I think that about covers the conditions of our sponsorship with you.

You’ve made us all proud!

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Sleepless in KL

The problem with supporting two sports is this: you don’t get any sleep.

The first and second week of April consist of these two: Champions League football and Augusta National.

Champions League football I have not watched, I think since 2009, when Juventus last played. I am a rabid Bianconeri fan. I’d like to think if I died, I’d like to be draped in that ugly zebra black and white flag that says Forza Juventus, in case people mistake me for a Notts County fan. If Juventus played Liverpool, I’d wish the Reds let in a thousand goals and Luis Suarez breaks a leg. As in literally. So while I support Liverpool in the the Barclays, it is only with about 1% of the support I bestow on Juve. So this season has been utterly annoying, because Juventus is winning the Serie A and they have progressed into the Q-Finals of the champions league against Bayern Munich. Annoying means, I wish I didn’t need to work. I wish we were all barter trading and there was no use of money. I wish I was a robot who didn’t need to eat or have basic life needs, like a house.

I know there are only few Juventus fans out there in Malaysia. A few weeks back I almost got into a fight with a stranger who shouted, “Go Newcastle!” at me, while I was wearing my Juventus striped jersey, emblazoned with Del Piero (it is an old one, yes). Newcastle? Seriously? So anyways, we soldier on. I was hoping to play against PSG actually so we can purposely break Zlatan Ibrahimnovic’s legs for betraying us when we were framed for match fixing and sent to Serie B.

But Bayern vs Juve? It’s Germany vs Italy. Bayern is one of the teams I respect because they depend a lot on their own country’s resources. Juve is essentially team Italia. They got Kroos, Bastian Schweinwhatever, Gomez, Lahm, Boateng, Neuer, Muller; we got Buffon, Pirlo, Marchisio, Chiellini, Giovinco, Barzagli, Bonucci. How to sleep?

Augusta National happens the week after the Champions League game. Of course, who else are we supporting but Tiger?

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Rory vs David Duval

An interesting following up to the post yesterday: apparently, one of our favourite hacker of all time, David Duval had taken up tweeting about Rory’s lame ass excuse and simply gave what I already wrote the same spin…however, to the 17,000 followers he has, as opposed to the 12 I currently have. And that includes both my dead dogs.

Before we start, let’s just say David Duval knows this subject really well. The greatest in the world, reduced to nothing. It’s like watching Bane break Batman’s back over and over and over and over…and in David’s case, over again. He is the epitome of the Great Failure. And yet, through all the 85s, the 90s, the lost balls, the hooks, the embarrassing duffs and missed tap ins…the former world number 1 never quit. He took all the embarrassment and he summed it up in one sentence, transcending every single wisdom there was in golf:

“Bad days and bad scores are part of golf. Don’t tee off if your ego can’t take it.”

Obvious reference to Rory the Quitter. David was pretty candid and it’s very interesting how he tweeted about it, because this is a guy who was King once, like Rory, but collapsed so spectacularly that they have written his story down for Paranormal Activity 5.

His tweets are as follows, with true translation based on our understanding of Duval’s cryptic language:

“Always keep fighting and trying.” – “Please, Rory, stop bitching like a girl and play the damn game, you stupid, spoilt little twit!”

“You never know who came to watch you play that day. How far they drove or from where they flew. That’s part of why I never quit.” – “Rory, you are a piece of trash. Garbage. People like me would pay millions to be able to hit the ball like you. I never quit, except when I was injured, sick, tired, fat, lazy, sleepy or have to take my kids up from school, or chillax with my wife at the movies. You useless, toothless Quitter.”

“Illness or injury are the only reasons not to finish your round. As a pro you should always post your score. It’s your responsibility.” – “Toothache is an excuse 6 year old kids give when they want to skip school. You just got paid USD78 million to play the game, you Irish Imbecile. And yes, I want to see your pathetic score, then at least, I know I could have beaten you, for the first time in my entire life. Give me your DAMN score!!!”

“Bad days and bad scores are part of golf. Don’t tee off if your ego can’t take it.” – “Egoistical Imbecile.”

“I am not in any way digging on Rory. Please don’t take it that way. I believe he would finish if he could.” – “I got a call from Nike saying they are going to pull away my USD738 per year sponsorship deal if I don’t post this up. Utter bullshit.”

Ah, David, we love you so much. Keep hacking and please, for goodness sake, give us something to cheer about this year!

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What’s the big deal about anchored putters?

By now, we’ve already entered into the twillight zone of the golf season. Meaning, there’s nothing much to yap about.

So, in line with keeping golf relevant, the governing body has decided that anchored putters will be banned in 2016 when the rule changes comes again. Apparently there’s a four year rule change, and 2012 has already passed.

So there’s another 3 years for guys like Adam Scott, Mr Ernie Else and Keegan Bradley and a host of other guys using either the long putter or belly putter to come to terms with their existence: use the darn putter as it is!

Tiger Woods is one of the guys against it. He has never used an anchored putter, instead flitting between his beloved Scotty Cameron and the god awful Nike Method. Both are normal blade putters.

So what’s the big deal? It’s a rule in golf, so live by it. If the rule of golf says you play 18 holes you play it. If it says your driver is limited to 460cc, then that’s the limit. If the rules says you eat Lima beans, you eat lima beans, or you don’t play it.

Frankly, anchored putters are not so hot for weekend hackers like us. Not only, I guess it’s an ego thing, but really, can you imagine the confusion it will cost if we’re betting and have the rule of given if putter length? Imagine the advantage that these guys will have over poor saps like us!

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Was Tiger right to snub WGC?

A lot of flak had been given to our favourite misfit golfer, Tiger Woods over the past week, which really proves that if you are popular and back at the top of the world, you ain’t going to make everyone happy.

Apparently he was in China playing that mickey mouse 1 on 1 with Rory. First of all, 1 on 1 in golf in an exhibition, non-tournament game is pure nonsense. I mean, if you’re talking about a contact sport like basketball, then heck, yeah! Michael Jordan vs Magic Johnson, Kobe vs Lebron, Tim Duncan vs Anyone on this planet, why not? You see both athletes trash talking, bumping and grinding against each other (and not in a porno way), vs Tiger and Rory in grey sweaters walking around and talking about the weather and what to eat after that.

So anyways, the people at wgc hsbc are really pissed because since Tiger is in China and Rory is in China, they should have competed in the WGC tournament.

Morgan expressed “disappointment” earlier this week that both McIlroy and Woods were in China but did not stay to play the WGC event at Mission Hills. McIlroy is taking the week off before playing three of the remaining four European Tour events.

“To have a World Golf Championship in Asia is really important for the sport, to balance the sport out, and to grow,” Morgan said. “And because it’s a World Golf Championship event, it requires the best players to be here.”

HSBC also sponsors the Abu Dhabi tournament, which both Woods and McIlroy played this year (McIlroy finished second, Woods tied for third) and where both receive appearance fees. They will get paid again in January to return. The WGC event is co-sponsored by the PGA Tour, which prohibits such fees.

Guess what, Morgan? The reality here is this: If you give the money, then we’ll talk. As a business man, would you go into a deal that guaranteed you US2 million for just showing up for 4 hours or to grind it out for 4 days with the possibility of only getting about half of the prize money? Going by man hour rates, it’s pretty obvious a business decision is made in this case. If WGC paid Tiger, he would be there because he can afford it. And I bet he’s thinking, “Damn, when I was down and out and looked like crap, played like crap and 58 in the world, nobody gave rotten eggs to me. They said I was bad for the game, bad as a role model and I sucked. Now when I am number 2, everyone is hero worshipping me again and asking me to be a good ambassador to this sorry excuse for a sport. If they want me to be there, they better sponsor to fly in losers like David Duval and John Daly as well!”

It’s true. Tiger has gone past the “I need to be an example for the sport” period. He’s had it. He wrote a personal mail to me saying, “You know what, Gilagolf, I am done with this horseshit. From now on, Tiger only plays for one person: Tiger. I am bigger than this sport, and I might as well acknowledge it. So go suck it, Morgan Stanley or whatever the heck your name is!”

“And because it’s a World Golf Championship event, it requires the best players to be here.” – What is this about? If you can’t attract the best golfers you can’t attract it. Nothing requires the best players to be there. That’s why golf is for self employment, it’s that aside from playing minimum tournaments, there’s no mandatory tournaments that must be played?  And face it, after losing 16 kg of sweat in Malaysia, then heading off to China for USD2 million for a 4 hour game, then coming back to Singapore to screw around in Marina Sands, who’d want to go back to freaking Shanghai? He’s done. Time to recharge and win again next year.

About Rory watching his girlfriend lose again, I don’t know. Seems pretty dodgy, since Rory still has loads to prove and should be taking the mantle of role modelship from Tiger. Apparently, like all Irish, he doesn’t give a cannolli of what the world thinks as well…which is why he and Tiger get along so well, I guess.

Which is also strange, to see Tiger cosy up with curly hair Rory. We know Tiger would rather pound Rory into a pulp and spit on his carcass…so why the friendly strategy? What is going on up in the devious mind of Tiger?

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Tiger vs Rory

Did any of you know that there was apparently a “Duel and Jinsha Lake” yesterday? It’s a mano-e-mano, one to one matchup between the world number 1 and world number 2.

World number 2 gets 2 million USD. World number 1 gets 1 million USD. I know, there’s something a bit wrong here, so I am guessing world number 3 gets…?

Anyways, Jinsha lake is located somewhere in Henan, China. Which is somewhere in China. Anyhoos, I managed to accidentally catch the game on TV as I came back from lunch. A couple of calls to clients moved all my meetings two hours later and I managed to catch the majority of the so-called Duel.

Which.Was.A.Waste.Of.Time.

Not so much that Tiger lost, I think -4 to Rory’s -5, but the way they lost it. They didn’t give a crap. It was exhibition. They got a couple of million bucks just to show up, and even though the commentator said it was for ‘pride’, I am not buying it. 2 million bucks is more than they will get if they won a regular tour tournament. Heck, it’s larger than a major event’s purse! All they need to do was play 18 holes. It’s equivalent to a consultant working on a project for 3 months to get 300,000RM, or work 3 days to get 600K RM. Which one would be better?

Tiger played like I’ve never seen before. Without a damn. He just wasn’t locked in. When he hit a bad shot, he didn’t care. When he hit a good shot, he didn’t care. No fist pumps, no anger, no slamming of clubs, no clenched fist. It was like his mind was on Mickey Mouse playing the ukelele. You could see how disengage he was, when rory would talk to him facing him, he never looked back at Rory, just stare into the ground ahead and talked back a bit. After a while, I think Rory said, “Darn it Tiger, just play along a bit or we will lose this stupidly easy paycheck, will ya??!?”

Rory? Heck, I don’t know, he was playing well, but he was just walking about, not really caring much as well and I think purposely missing a few putts to keep it close. He was a lot better than Tiger, granted.

The only interesting thing was their conversations to each other as they sauntered along, collecting a few thousand bucks with each step they took. Rory was talking about the weather and Tiger was saying it was a hell lot better than the hellhole called Malaysia last week (not in those words)…and he was saying he was literally dripping as he addressed the ball in KL. (in those exact words).

Another interesting bit was this humongously irritating on-course chinese interviewer, who literally stopped Tiger and Rory while they were still playing and asked stupid questions like: “How do you think you are hitting it?” “How is the weather?” “What color underwear are you wearing?” He was classic hilarious. The look on Tiger’s face when he was first accosted as he was walking to his second shot, as if “WTF is this china man?” The very next hole, the hole he swung his driver dramatically out of his hands in a hook shot, he strode off to his ball fuming. And this annoying chinaman interviewer hops in front of him and says: “What do you think of your shot?” Tiger at that moment was a milisecond away from slamming his Nike club into the head of this guy but stopped himself with two sentences: “2 Million prize money. 100 billion losses in PR”. He smoothed his face and smiled forcefully and through visibly grinding teeth said, “I don’t know, I havent seen it yet.”

Ah, the beauty of insensitive and utterly clueless chinese interviewers!

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CIMB Classic and Tiger Woods

Well I suppose you couldn’t keep Gilagolf away from Tiger Woods, not when the guy is back in malaysia after a 13 year absence. I mean, he’s like the Haley’s comet. I don’t know what prompted him to come down to this backwater country for golf, probably the 5 million appearance fee and the no-cut 48 person event had something to do with it.

I don’t often go and watch golf on the course…I rather be playing it, but this is Tiger. And this is Thursday. And the crowd. Was. Nuts.

Thursday crowd mind you.

It was pretty hard to see Tiger, but there are some tips to catching Tiger properly.

Predict where he will end up. He was playing absolutely great at his driving, so we just needed to predict where his drive would end up. Nick Watney was ahead of him, and I gauged that he would be about 15 meters in front of Nick when he teed up. So while everyone was at the tee box on 18th, I settle myself at a nook where no one was there, where I predicted he would hit. A larger crowd was at around where Nick hit his shot.

Bam, Tiger’s ball ended up absolutely smack at the distance I was sitting, hence I had a great view of his second shot in the last hole.

Unfortunately, those CIMB volunteers decided to camp right in front of me with their QUIET signs to block my view when Tiger hit his shot. I wanted to murder that imbecile CIMB volunteer.

Another way to get a good shot is to predict his walking path. Then stand there and take the damn photo!

Overall he played great in the back nine and gave us a lot to cheer for. Of course, a few of us were hoping one of his wayward tee shot would hit us on the head so we could get an autograph (do you know how much that is worth??!), but he played too well. And the crowd was just berserk.

I managed to capture a video of his chip attempt that nearly eagled on the 17th. Otherwise, most of my shots are all pretty far away. The video is actually crap quality, you can’t even see the damn ball, but I’m putting it in because at around 0:22, the old uncle next to me started to hit on one of the CIMB volunteer, who is young enough to be his daughter. He says: “I remember you from Maybank Open. Wow, you are always here for golf events. When is the next one you will be at ah?” In response, the girl gave a nervous look around and scurried away.

Anyways, it’s ridiculous fighting with the crowd at Tiger World. He truly is bigger than golf.

Another interesting sight was Nick Watney. He had this really hot looking caddie by his side. Which was really interesting, because since I couldn’t get a view of Tiger much, the hot caddie was the next most interesting thing on the course.

Who is the hot caddy? I don’t know, but I think likely his wife, Amber Watney, who had caddied before for him I guess during the mickey mouse rounds in Augusta. She’s the niece of another pro golfer so I guess she knows what she’s doing. Check out Amber Watney below:

She’s the number 34. YOW-ZAH.

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Tiger Woods in Malaysia

Suffice to say, that at this very moment, the greatest player in the history of our known universe is about 25km away, hacking away at one of the courses that Gilagolf had hacked before. Some comments have mentioned I am a rabid fanboy of Tiger. What else is there to support in golf? Your spine? Unfortunately, unless someone miraculously reads this article and take pity on me, I didn’t get any tickets to this year’s arguably biggest golf event. So I’ll just have to watch him like everyone else, from the TV. And annoyingly, we still have that EGM issue with Rahman Putra happening this Sunday as well. Damn you, golf club!

He’s teeing up with our prime minister even right now as I write, and I heard, opting to use only a putter for every shot so that our PM can at least keep pace with him in driving. I guess our PM has quite a lot of time to be accomodating, what’s with the country going through our best golden years both socially, politically and economically. I’m sure there’s no reason to worry about that small, miniscule, little thing called the GE13, or our country has gone to the bollocks for the past couple of years. Sure, let’s just tee up with Tiger Woods, who represents the greatest role model in golf and extracurricular activities.

I’m not bitter at all that the PM gets to tee up with Tiger Woods. I am sure the PM teed up with Rory McIlroy as well when he came. You mean he didn’t? Why the hell would he tee up with Tiger then? Oh yeah, because Tiger is bigger than golf, that’s why. Suck it, Mr Toby.

Anyways, predictions? I really doubt Tiger is driven to win in this CIMB (he pronounces it as See-im-bee) tournament, playing in possible the crappiest course against the crappiest opponents in the crappiest weather ever. I think by the end on the first round, he’s going to be sweating so much, and fainting and saying Malaysian weather sucks and that’s why bloody Vijay Singh rejected this  country in favor of Fiji. He’ll be in the top 10, but he won’t be winning. As far as Tiger goes, this is like 2nd gear work out for him. He’s just here to kill time and to see our PM play golf. You can see his reaction to our PM’s tee off below here:

Ah Tiger. The only one who dares to donkey-laugh at our PM’s golf skills.

All the best and win one on Malaysia soil!