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Dear Tiger

Dear Tiger,

Thank you.

After your ridiculous fall from grace, we continued supporting you. When your stock was as low as Enron, we supported you. When women after women came and said you were their kid’s father, even if the kid was white, with blue eyes and blonde hair, we stuck by you. When all your other supporters fell away, we stuck by you.

Suck it, Gillette. Consider yourself shaved off the books. Suck it, Gatorade, you’re all out of fizz. Suck it AT&T. You made a bad call. Suck it, Tag Heuer. Your timing is crap. Suck it, Golf Digest, you miss the deadline. Suck it Accenture, you guys are nothing but CON-SULTANs. And most of all, Suck a big one, Steve Williams, you are the world’s biggest loser. And sub-suck it Hank Haney, because you’re better of retired.

To Nike, even if they made you play lousy golf, at least they sabotaged Rory as well, so that you can once again be the king of the hill. EA Sports, your games are awful, but you stuck by Tiger, because your customers are all geeks anyway who wish to bang multiple pornstars. Rolex, you are a genius, to swing Tiger your way when Tag is so incredibly STUPID. Most of all, Kowa. You gave Tiger the sponsorship deal when everyone abandoned him.

And of course, thank you, Tiger for continuing on with Gilagolf’s sponsorship. Which is only sponsoring your sweater. When you play only on Mondays. And only when you are in the lead. And when it also happens that you will be number 1 if you win. And only if you sink a put 28 feet long. With a Nike Putter. And when you just got involved with another woman. Who is a skiier and not a pornstar. I think that about covers the conditions of our sponsorship with you.

You’ve made us all proud!

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Seri Selangor gets a Gilagolf ‘Meh’

I’ve invented a new category, called ‘Meh’.

It’s an actual word, as you can find it in a wiki here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meh

Meh here, means you know what, we’ll probably play it again, but even if we don’t and the course goes disappears into an atomic blast, we’ll be ok. Meh.

Seri Selangor is a bloody tough course, especially to a guy who has hooks for his bad shots. I played 12 over in the last 4 holes, including an awful 6 on the par 3. I ended up 45-54, a rare inverted scores on the front and back, compounded with an awful short game, and as in every golfers blame: awful luck.  Also, they changed one of my favourite holes, the 17th into a par 3. Apparently the story was one of the Dato’s whose house was stupidly next to the fairway, complaint that balls kept hitting his house. He went to the clubhouse with a gun and said, “if you guys don’t do something, I will.”, thus transforming one of Seri selangor’s most characteristic hole into a huge pile of tapir dung. I mean, is it legal to threaten people like that? with a gun? In Malaysia? I guess Datos get away with anything, literally murder.

Anyways, aside from the transformation on the 17th, the course condition was also awful. The greens remained the same, which was the only good thing about the course. The price went up to RM90, so methinks there is a conspiracy between all golf courses to hike their price, convert par 4s to par3s and rob us golfers. Kinrara, now Seri Selangor. However, even if my score was 8 strokes worse than my score in Kinrara, Seri Selangor greens are still great to putt on. And it’s close to home, so it’s a Meh.

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Sleepless in KL

The problem with supporting two sports is this: you don’t get any sleep.

The first and second week of April consist of these two: Champions League football and Augusta National.

Champions League football I have not watched, I think since 2009, when Juventus last played. I am a rabid Bianconeri fan. I’d like to think if I died, I’d like to be draped in that ugly zebra black and white flag that says Forza Juventus, in case people mistake me for a Notts County fan. If Juventus played Liverpool, I’d wish the Reds let in a thousand goals and Luis Suarez breaks a leg. As in literally. So while I support Liverpool in the the Barclays, it is only with about 1% of the support I bestow on Juve. So this season has been utterly annoying, because Juventus is winning the Serie A and they have progressed into the Q-Finals of the champions league against Bayern Munich. Annoying means, I wish I didn’t need to work. I wish we were all barter trading and there was no use of money. I wish I was a robot who didn’t need to eat or have basic life needs, like a house.

I know there are only few Juventus fans out there in Malaysia. A few weeks back I almost got into a fight with a stranger who shouted, “Go Newcastle!” at me, while I was wearing my Juventus striped jersey, emblazoned with Del Piero (it is an old one, yes). Newcastle? Seriously? So anyways, we soldier on. I was hoping to play against PSG actually so we can purposely break Zlatan Ibrahimnovic’s legs for betraying us when we were framed for match fixing and sent to Serie B.

But Bayern vs Juve? It’s Germany vs Italy. Bayern is one of the teams I respect because they depend a lot on their own country’s resources. Juve is essentially team Italia. They got Kroos, Bastian Schweinwhatever, Gomez, Lahm, Boateng, Neuer, Muller; we got Buffon, Pirlo, Marchisio, Chiellini, Giovinco, Barzagli, Bonucci. How to sleep?

Augusta National happens the week after the Champions League game. Of course, who else are we supporting but Tiger?

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Kinrara gets a Major Gila THUMBS DOWN!

Note to all Gilagolfers,

Sadly, the time of Kinrara being a haven for hackers is over. We used to be able to play there for around RM70 ish before. Now, it’s priced at RM95 per person. That’s not the worst part, the course is in an awful condition.

The irony is, the management decided to spend so much money building the clubhouse, that they neglected the course! The fairway drainage are still bad….but the rough is ridiculous. There’s no first cut, and the grass is allowed to grow horrendously long, like Bukit Beruntung. Also, they have converted a drivable par 4 4th hole to a par 3! So the front nine, plays, Par 4,5,3,3,3. That’s right. 3 par 3s in a freaking row. That’s awful, Kinrara.

Another thumbs down are the workers there. A lot of holes seemed like they are still undergoing repair. There are so many workers lounging around there barely doing anything. I mean, since we started this blog in 2007, I have never ONCE found Kinrara not undergoing some sort of maintenance work.

Oi! If you are maintaining your course, don’t charge so much la!!

Last time playing there. Sayonara, Kinrara.

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Will Rory Flunk again?

Luke Donald, Rory Mcllroy and Tiger Woods played together for the second round.

So, tomorrow begins the big Doral matchup. Rory, Tiger, Luke. To say they are like Novak, Roger and Rafa is a stretch, since aside from Tiger, Rory and Luke hasn’t dominated in their play for a long period. But all eyes are on this threesome tomorrow, and I thought it might be time to break out into our prediction tradition once more!

Tiger Woods – He will shoot around 70. He always does that, usually on the first day. He’s notoriously known as a plotter around the course, and although you’d think he’s a risky guy, Tiger actually plays safe most of the time. Look to him to chat with Rory while completely ignoring the third wheel Luke Donald.

Rory McIlroy – Ah Rory. The joy of being young and the top dog. His tweets are weird and his response to him throwing a tantrum last week was: “I was wrong.” OK. Now for goodness sakes, clean yourself up, Irish man! The good news is that Rory ALWAYS plays well with Tiger. Because he’s a guy that needs motivation. Prediction is that he will go low, despite his mental disorder. Look around 67 or so and you’ll find him. He won’t choke as long as he’s with Tiger, because he knows he’s the sideshow, the salad, and Tiger is the main bacon in this group. Pressure off, scores down. Well done Rory. Now please don’t screw up.

Luke Donald – I don’t know about this chap. He’ll plod along around 69 or 70. It might play too long for his short drive, but I guess he’s No 3 in the world for a reason.

There you have it, now sit back and enjoy the show!

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Rory vs David Duval

An interesting following up to the post yesterday: apparently, one of our favourite hacker of all time, David Duval had taken up tweeting about Rory’s lame ass excuse and simply gave what I already wrote the same spin…however, to the 17,000 followers he has, as opposed to the 12 I currently have. And that includes both my dead dogs.

Before we start, let’s just say David Duval knows this subject really well. The greatest in the world, reduced to nothing. It’s like watching Bane break Batman’s back over and over and over and over…and in David’s case, over again. He is the epitome of the Great Failure. And yet, through all the 85s, the 90s, the lost balls, the hooks, the embarrassing duffs and missed tap ins…the former world number 1 never quit. He took all the embarrassment and he summed it up in one sentence, transcending every single wisdom there was in golf:

“Bad days and bad scores are part of golf. Don’t tee off if your ego can’t take it.”

Obvious reference to Rory the Quitter. David was pretty candid and it’s very interesting how he tweeted about it, because this is a guy who was King once, like Rory, but collapsed so spectacularly that they have written his story down for Paranormal Activity 5.

His tweets are as follows, with true translation based on our understanding of Duval’s cryptic language:

“Always keep fighting and trying.” – “Please, Rory, stop bitching like a girl and play the damn game, you stupid, spoilt little twit!”

“You never know who came to watch you play that day. How far they drove or from where they flew. That’s part of why I never quit.” – “Rory, you are a piece of trash. Garbage. People like me would pay millions to be able to hit the ball like you. I never quit, except when I was injured, sick, tired, fat, lazy, sleepy or have to take my kids up from school, or chillax with my wife at the movies. You useless, toothless Quitter.”

“Illness or injury are the only reasons not to finish your round. As a pro you should always post your score. It’s your responsibility.” – “Toothache is an excuse 6 year old kids give when they want to skip school. You just got paid USD78 million to play the game, you Irish Imbecile. And yes, I want to see your pathetic score, then at least, I know I could have beaten you, for the first time in my entire life. Give me your DAMN score!!!”

“Bad days and bad scores are part of golf. Don’t tee off if your ego can’t take it.” – “Egoistical Imbecile.”

“I am not in any way digging on Rory. Please don’t take it that way. I believe he would finish if he could.” – “I got a call from Nike saying they are going to pull away my USD738 per year sponsorship deal if I don’t post this up. Utter bullshit.”

Ah, David, we love you so much. Keep hacking and please, for goodness sake, give us something to cheer about this year!

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The Fall of Rory McIlroy

Maybe that's where Rory McIlroy should have left his Nike clubs. (Getty Images)

I know. We don’t kick someone when they are already knocked down. Neither do we write proper journalism or report when other websites and blogs do a better job at that.

But come on, Rory. You were our golden boy before you became the world’s golden boy. You were the great inspiration after suffering from a mental breakdown in Augusta, and then went on to win the US Open and PGA Championship. You became World Number One, ironically at last year’s Honda Classic, the very same event that yesterday, you QUIT. Frankly, we think the World Number One title was the first mistake you made. You’re not ready for it. Secondly, your relationship with that tennis girl, Carol Wozniaki. I mean, I get it. She’s hot. But it ain’t gonna work, because you guys travel so much, and her thighs are larger than yours, and she likely benches heavier than you.

I think we've all been here. (Getty Images)

Anyway, we know you are a hack. You’ve proven that even when you are capable of some ridiculously great golf, you are still a hacker. The way you play is streaky, like us. Your mental strength is as strong as a squid’s backbone, your swing, at its worst, resembles a python wrapping around a tapir. That’s giving birth.

But today, you are no longer one of us. You cannot even be lumped with the 832 million registered hackers around the world. Because you broke our one code of conduct.

YOU DO NOT QUIT.

Quitting is one of the WORST action a hacker can have. Why? Because in every round we play, things usually get SO bad, that quitting crosses our mind invariably. Invariably. When we hook our 10th ball OB. When we duff our bloody chip again. When we miss that 2 footer, for the 7th time, to settle for our quadrumulticle (+43) bogey. Don’t you think we have that thought as well, Rory? Don’t you think we are humans as well, with vestige of pride, especially when we observe the course resident monkeys cackling at us, and possibly, playing better than us? Don’t you think on the sixth hole of almost every game,we want to walk off because our game sucked so bad that even the python and tapir analogy does not begin to describe our retarded swings??!

But we don’t. Quit. That’s the law. No matter how badly we struggle, we keep at it, we continue on, we soldier on, because all around the world, millions of similarly skilled golfers are doing the same. There is fellowship in the fraternity of suffering. It shows we are martyrs for golf. Even when we are down in every game and we know our flight mates are laughing at us, and taking our lunch money.That’s the price we pay. That’s the measure of manhood in golf. We never say die.

Now, I know your skills are possibly better than ours. But this applies to you as well. The moment you desecrate this law, you fall lower than the lowest scum in golf. You become John Daly’s only peer in the Scum category.

And your excuse? We’ll pretend we didn’t hear that. It’s pathetic. It makes you look like a crybaby. And we all know it’s a lie. It’s a flat out lie. You should have just manned up and continued with the truth: That you sucked, you were humiliated, you are the world Number one but play like an idiot, you made a mistake by making a stupid decision to quit. Take the fine or ban and move on. At least, even John Daly never lied about his reason to quit. He honestly says he has no more balls, after dumping his entire bag of balls into the lake.

Rory McIlroy grabs his nose. I thought it was your tooth! (Getty Images)

Toothache? After all Tiger Woods have done to make golf a respectable, athlete’s sport, with some semblance of fitness in there, you sent it back to the dark ages with that statement. A world number 1. Quitting because his teeth is painful. They should strip you of your dignity and hang you out to dry and never let you represent the game of golf ever again.

This is written out of sheer disappointment, Rory. Not spite or malice. After supporting you throughout your rise to world number 1 (although you’re a placeholder until Tiger gets it back), you have betrayed the trust of every golf hacker in the world. You quit. You lied. And you chose Nike’s money over your own career. Tiger wins IN SPITE of Nike, not BECAUSE of. And Tiger never walks away, unless he’s injured. Even when he was playing like a twit. You should have thought about it before going to the dark side.

Rory McIlroy begin escorted off the course. (Getty Images)

You’re done, Rory. You might still be world number one officially, but in reality, you can’t represent golf anymore, because you are a quitter and a liar, and you can only take successes but not the failures. For all of Tiger’s mistakes off the course, he never sullied the name of golf like you did as world number one. To hackers, this is similar to Lance’s Armstrong’s lies and cheats, it’s not forgivable. You’ve disrespected the tournament, the people who paid to see you and overall, the game of golf.

Tiger, the game of golf needs you back!