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SSGLinks Stats

I’ve migrated from AGN to SSGLinks, after finding out that I only used my AGN card about the same amount of times I go for colonscopy. To be frank, I also bought the Top Premier Voucher book, which is a very cool way to play in all sort of golf courses around Malaysia. I haven’t really done a side-by-side comparison between SSGLinks, Top premier voucher, AGN or any of those other cards out there, but I’m sure they are all pretty competitive. For instance, Top Premier book gave me RM55 at Tasik Puteri, while SSGLinks gave me RM50.

As an SSGLinks member, I am obviously privy to some of their marketing information, so I’ll publish it here for Gilagolfers’ consumption. If you have any stuff on the other card membership that you think would be better, feel free to let me know and let’s see which is the better one.

SSGLinks gave me an interesting calculation on how they can help us save money yearly by joining them (so we can use that saved money to buy needless golf clubs and gadgets). Assuming we play 3 times on weekends and 3 times on weekdays a month on certain golf courses (that’s six times a month, which many of us probably don’t, unless you’re doing something your boss doesn’t know about, and having many meetings with Mr. Par Bir Die company.

Public Rate


Public Rate Premier Card

Danau GC

Weekend

RM 137.50

RM 40.00

Tasik Puteri G & CC

Weekend

RM 168.00

RM 110.00

Perangsang Templer GC

Weekend

RM 155.00

RM 85.00

SSG Beringin GC

Weekday

RM 80.00

RM 40.00

Danau GC

Weekday

RM 84.00

RM 40.00

Kinrara GC

Weekday

RM 85.00

RM 60.00

RM709.50

RM 415.00

 1 Month

RM 8514.00

RM 4980.00

 x 12 Month

RM799.00

Membership

TOTAL

RM 8514.00

RM 5779.00

So there’s a savings there of about 2k or thereabouts. I’m sure other cards have their plus points and calculations as well so it’s a matter of which one you think is the most comfortable one.

The courses listed here are mainly in the Not Too Shabby or Must Play List on gilagolf, so at least we don’t have those freaking disasters like Bukit Unggul and slimy Berjaya courses.

They currently have 40 clubs, including A’Famosa, ORNA, Era,Gunung Raya and Genting Permaipura. We’ve only hacked 2 out of those, so hopefully we’ll be able to hack more.

Here’s SSG Deails

Tel: 03-78439512/13

Web: http://www.ssglinks.com.my/clubs_affiliated.html

Happy Hacking!

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Perangsang Templer Golf Club

Introduction

Gilalogy Theory of Course Crappiness can be attributed to the phenomenon called the Halo Effect. It sounds familiar doesn’t it? Well, because the guy that wrote that book ripped it off from us, since we know Golf Gilalogy has been in existence since the time of Mesopotamia. Anyways, the effect is that in a given area, there’s always a correct balance of good and crappy course. Rahman Putra has its ugly step sister Kundang Lakes.  IOI palm garden has the dastardly UPM. Datai has Gunung Raya. Tropicana has the equally foreboding Seri Selangor. It’s never a case of equals, and it’s never more evident than Templers Park Golf Club vs Perangsang Templer Golf Club. Perangsang has always been in the shadow of the more illustrious club next door.

Unbelievably, this is my first time to the course that I have heard so much bad things about.

IMG_1146.jpg picture by gilagolf

Travel ( 2/5)

The very same route you take to Templer Park Golf Club, you take it to Perangsang. Now I know we gave it 3 to Templer Park, and it would seem unfair to rate it to 2, but as mentioned, this is very much subjective to the club. For instance, if you were to run through a hail of 7.62mm bullets spat from an M14 rifle from one end of the field to another to get an all-paid tour around UK’s best golf courses and a tee time in St Andrews, you would do it, won’t you? It’d still have the same risk, but you’ll do it and think it’s heck of a deal. Now, would you do the same to get to a trip around Ulu Yam? You’d think it sucked.

So anyway, I forget my point. The fact that to get to these golf courses, you need to negotiate the most harrowing U-turn in the world. It’s a U-turn and immediately need to cut 3 lanes to the left to enter. The cars are zooming by, with the occasional 16 wheelers careening out of control and possibly smashing into your car and spilling 20 tonnes of uric acid on you. It’s a ridiculous way to access the golf course.

The alternative is to U-Turn and try to inch left and make the turn at the Shell station instead, giving you more roads to go left.

Absolutely stupid access.

Price ( 3/5)

We paid about RM40 using the Top Premier Book voucher. It’s a good deal. With SSG links, you pay about RM53. SSG links have the advantage of paying RM63 for the weekends, which is pretty good weekend rate to me! They have a few promotions here and there, so head over to the website to have a list of it. But this is pretty reasonable, considering it’s right next to one of the overpriced clubs in Malaysia.

IMG_1144.jpg picture by gilagolf

First thoughts

Before we reached the first tee, one of the maintenance guys ominously looked at us and said, Yesterday, big rain, flooded up to—(he points to his calf).

Obviously, this maintenance fellow is prone to exaggeration, but it’s still a bad sign for us, because we know from reputation how some of these cowgrass courses handle the outpouring of rain. We rolled our buggy past this creepy maintenance guy, holding his rake, and eyeballing us like we were going to Shutter Island. I half expect him to grab our scorecard and scribble the word ‘RUN’ there.

And on we rolled to the first tee.

IMG_1123.jpg picture by gilagolf

Service (2 /5)

Thankfully we were spared from having caddies, so there wasn’t any extra charge, and we didn’t have any real experience with the service: until the end. When we were done with the game, we needed some drinks at the terrace. Being the cheapa$$ we were, we just wanted ice water to cool us down before we head out to Selayang area for food.

Imagine 4 half baked potatoes sitting around waiting for a drink that did not come. We waited, until one of my partners whitered into a prune and finally I decided to get up and look for the water-cooler or the ice water dispenser or anything. Nothing. The waiter kept saying, “Mineral water? Ok!” and I had to go “No, no, just a darn drink! In a cup!” because they will likely charge like RM10 for the mineral water.

Finally I had to practically force them to bring cool drinks for us, threatening them with our famous 7-iron up-down-your-throat maneuver. Not great service.

IMG_1155.jpg picture by gilagolf

Fairways ( 3/5)

OK, enough of the nonsense service, it’s time to get into the course itself. One thing, the downpour was pretty intense the day before but we were pleasantly surprised by the fairway. We didn’t  expect it to hold the way it did, in fact, all of us were already laced in our army boots ready to wade through another heckhole of a course.

So after the first tee off landed (we started on the unforgiving back nine) and we threaded through the fairway, our balls were not plugged and the fairway was in a reasonably drained condition. First fairway (10th hole) was a tough looking one, with a sharp left turn, very similar to Danau’s 10th. The 12th and 13th fairway brought nightmares to us, similar to Danau’s Kate Moss hole 2…narrow bleeping fairways lined with jungles on every side!

IMG_1134.jpg picture by gilagolf

The course opens up in the first nine, so it might be a good idea to tee up normally on the first nine, instead of like us, who seem to be liking the ‘belakang mari’ style of late…in golf that is, your perverted mind misunderstanding again.

IMG_1172.jpg picture by gilagolf

Greens ( 4/5)

Here comes the saving grace for Perangsang. This is pretty amazing, because we expected the course to be in ruins, like the city of Osgiliath. So here we were, a band of brothers wielding our drivers, thinking that this is a poor man’s Templer Park Course and ready to banish the course into the WOTM or AAC category of hell, and when our ball finally plomped onto the green, surprise. …it was in a decent condition. Now I’m not saying it’s in Beringin condition, but you need to understand, the 4 is given because it’s so unexpected…we expected crap and got…well, another nice surprise.

IMG_1151.jpg picture by gilagolf

It was slower than Danau definitely but because of the heavy rain fall. There wasn’t any puddles on the green, you just had to putt harder than usual but the roll was good and there wasn’t any annoying sand of stuff like that. The same guy that four putted from four feet in Danau (even if he was still playing like a drunk Zimbabwean nightbat), was having fun because his putts were reasonable.  His scores were the same, but you know….we hackers have very unpredicatable emotions.

IMG_1145.jpg picture by gilagolf

Rough ( 1/5)

Back to life, back to reality.

As great a surprise as the fairways and greens were, the rough was totally…horrendous. Especially the bunkers. I have a good mind to give a -1 on it, because the bunkers were all swimming pools. Serious. Here’s how they look:

IMG_1163.jpg picture by gilagolf

And not just one! Several! And the ones that didn’t have water had rocks the size of my fist. We decided (yet again) to implement the rule of If-in-the-bunker-then-its-on-the-green. So we didn’t play a bunker shot until the last few holes…but seriously, if you can drain the fairways and greens, spend some time on the darn bunkers man. The rough itself was ok…it’s punishing without being unfair, so we’re willing to conceded a point. But seriously Perangsang, if you want to compete with the big boy next door, your maintenance of bunkers need to improve. Tsk Tsk.

IMG_1131.jpg picture by gilagolf

Aesthetics (3/5)

Now I know what you’re thinking. You give 5/5 for templer park and 3/5 for Perangsang?? Bias!

Well, to be honest, even though they were neighbours, whoever gets the Takun Mountain or whatever it’s called, gets the beauty. Templer Park is right beneath that mountain, and it gives some pretty surreal scenery. Perangsang plays more like a jungle course on the back nine, and more of an open space course in the front. You get a glimpse of the Takun mountain here and there, but especially some holes in the back nine, they played pretty similar.

IMG_1136.jpg picture by gilagolf

The plus side is the water features are really clean. I mean, the river running through Hole 15 was like Evian Mineral Water. In fact, I was just about to dip my hands in it until I realize that one of my playing partners is proned to taking a piss in the middle of the round. Of course we didn’t pollute the pristine waters of Perangsang, but you just gotta be safe you know…pissing Hackers are quite common these days.

There’s also not much elevation changes, unlike Danau or A-Famosa, so overall there wasn’t much things to shout at in terms of beauty. It’s that sort of functional course that tests your accuracy.

IMG_1126.jpg picture by gilagolf

Fun Factor (3/5)

OK, we admit, we did have fun there. The back nine was quite a killer in terms of  accuracy in the first couple of holes but after a while, as mentioned, they played pretty similar. Long drive required, and accuracy to the receptive pin.

OK, once you make the turn, (or rather first nine, please don’t get confused with our belakang-mari method), the course opens up and you definitely feel less claustrophobic. I mean, I don’t know about you but I prefer a wide fairway with plenty of spots where you can screw up. Amazingly, and this is seriously, a mystery of my game, on the first hole, I managed to hit a great drive with a slight draw. It bounced off the fairway and lucklessly landed into a narrow strip of drain marked as hazard just at the side of the fairway. WHAT!!! How can I manage to hit these unseen, small, insignificant hazards and still not get a hole in one??

IMG_1148.jpg picture by gilagolf

Hole 6 is a nice pretty par 3, which we all managed to hit reasonably good shots at. It has some limestone at the background and a very nice pond next to it, from which will enter millions of golf balls. The thing that spoils its beauty would be the electrical lines running all over the course. Why do we have them and Augusta does not?

OK, finally to the killer Hole 7. If we had teed off on the front, we might be able to bruise through this, but as it is, due to extreme fatigue of sitting in a buggy and swinging at tiny golf balls, and also the fact that golfers have the fitness of a beached whale, we weren’t firing on all cylinders.

IMG_1168.jpg picture by gilagolf

This is a crazy hole. It reminds us of that Danau hole 12 but worse. We basically need to target where we want our ball to carry the water. Target too conservative and you will send the ball past the water, past the fairway into OB. Target too aggressive and your ball has no hope to cross the water to dry land. Hook it, you’re in the water. Slice it you are in OB.

Suffice to say, we all tried our first ball and all failed miserably. We each took mulligans and tried our second ball and here’s the result: Mine again in the water. 2nd guy OB…he angrily tees up again and OBs again and screams in agony. 3rd guy gets so afraid he duffs his tee to 30 meters before water. Safe. Last guy decides to take the sissy way out and hits it down 150 meters into the fairway. He’s the safest but he has lost all his claims to his manhood that day.

IMG_1132.jpg picture by gilagolf

Conclusion

It wasn’t that bad. Perangsang actually surprised us a bit. If it wasn’t for the distance and the maniacal U-turn, it might be a great replacement for courses like Seri Selangor, Kinrara and other fringe courses that are bordering on the WOTM scale. The location is not the best, definitely, but we think it’s worth the try. The only thing is that it has to compete with the big brother Templer Park next door. Well at least Perangsang doesn’t have its resident samurai ghost story…or does it?

IMG_1174.jpg picture by gilagolf

The good: Fairways and greens are surprisingly intact after downpour; nice aesthetics; reasonable pricing; a good challenge to your driving accuracy; especially Hole 7; no Samurai Ghosts.

The bad: Rough sucks, too much waterclogged bunkers; suicidal U-turn if coming from PJ; service not up to par; always compared to the better Templer Park Next door.

The skinny: 21 of 40 divots (52.5%).

Perangsang Scorecard


Perangsang Information

Address: No 1, Templer Park Resort,
48000 Rawang, Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia

Contact: +603-60910022

Fax: +603-60910023

Website: http://www.ptgc.com.my

Email: info@ptgc.com.my

sales@ptgc.com.my

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Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part IV

The continuation of the Species of Golfers series.

7. The Driver

Of all species of golfers, this is perhaps the most over-rated. The Driver is someone who spends 99.99% of his practice time slamming golf balls into oblivion. He can really, really DRIVE. But due to the retarded short game and ineffectual putting stroke, he continues to languish in the hell called mid-handicap. If he can work out his short game and recovery, the Driver can easily ascend to the pantheon of Players, or on the dark side, the Buayas and Doctors.

Characteristics: The Driver’s average drive is about 260 – 280 meters….not necessarily on the fairway. He just goes extremely long due to his entire devotion to the long drive. His set up usually resembles a lumberjack ready to swing a 20 pound axe into the tree…left hand stiffed, right elbow crooked, ball teed up six inches from the ground, and set on the outer left side of his left foot. He usually wears a grimace, and is prone to grunting, as if giving birth to a beluga whale. My personal experience with Drivers are that they are quite affable creatures….prone to jokes, and especially inclined to the ‘Jug of beer if can’t go past ladies tee’ rule, since it does not apply to them. They are usually Jokers as well, due to the fact that they usually start the hole pretty satisfied with their long drives, knowing they can doze off in the buggy while waiting for the short hitting wanker in their group to catch up. But their weakness is their mental toughness. They find it hard to focus on the other parts of the game that does not include ripping the ball to shreds. It’s like asking the Terminator to change his weapon from a 300-rounds per second chaingun to a rubber band with a folded piece of paper. And once they flunk out on their second or third shot, they usually play like clowns because they can’t wait to get to the next tee box again.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Do NOT be intimidated by the Driver. They are prone to messing up their short games and usually do not have mental toughness to recover, because they know that the last time they practiced their short game was when they first started golf, and their short game skills still remain the same. These guys have the mental toughness of a jellybean, so all you need to say is, “Wah, lots of bunkers there. Don’t hit it there, yeah”, and they will collapse like a house of cards being sat on by Roseanne Barr. It’s usually fun to have a Driver in the group so that the group in front will hurry on and play, and also to observe the physical contortions and agony that the Driver goes through to slam his ball 100 meters past yours. You need to be careful when partnering with a Driver, especially if you’re gambling. Due to his pessimistic nature and his impatience to get to the next tee box, you’re likely going to suffer, when the initial joy of watching him hit 300 meters down to the fairway is washed away with his 6th shot to get out of the bunker. You need to manage your Driver, encourage him, and nurture him into the great player he can be.

What to do if you are a Driver: For the sake of goodness and gracious, practice your darn short game, you lazy monkey! Many people would kill to be able to drive the way you do, but that talent is wasted when you don’t have any other game aside from that. Once the short game catches up, you will even give the Player a run. And stop being pessimistic about every other shot aside from your driver, golf is played out of many other strokes aside from blasting it down the fairway!!

8. The Grinder

The Grinder is the almost complete opposite from the Driver. He’s the guy with the shorter drive, the guy that tees up with a 3 wood to play positions because he can’t hit it long enough or his drive is not so straight. He focuses on the short game, and while his drive might not be 100%, The Grinder is a master escape artist. He spends 99.99% of his time in the trees, in the bunkers, on the fringe of the green etc. He’s the master of pitch-1-putt, means he almost always never lands on regulation on the green but he would chip it on and one putt for par. The Grinder’s mental game is as strong as Michael Jordan shooting the last shot of the game; it’s as tough as Tiger Woods without the sex, and usually wields a mean putter.

Characteristics: Grinders are one of the best people to play with. They aren’t usually as jovial or as idiotic as the Driver, because their drives are usually not so good. You hardly see a Grinder, due to the fact that he’s spending most his time in communion with Nature, in the woods, in the water, in the sand, everywhere. You’ll see them come onto the green, or watch his ball roll to 3 feet from the hole and him appearing magically from the trees for a tap-in par. Their attitude is always positive….because they seem to play better when they are in trouble. They never say die, they will always grind and grind and grind, even if it’s for double bogey, they will try to save it. In fact, they utilise every single part of the course the most. They are extremely calm, and you hardly see them tomahawk the club into the ground out of frustration, or yell something bad about your mother when their ball goes into oblivion.

What to do if you have one in your flight: They are very good people to learn from, because Golf is always reflective of life. When someone is so stubborn that he never gives up, and always looks to the better side of things, he’s usually a solid work partner as well. He understands that in life, as in golf, will throw you in the woods and bunker now and then and you need to grind your way out. So the Grinder is possibly the only species that can not just teach you short game and recovery, he is likely pretty wise on the things of the world as well, and welcomes adversity like his only son. He’s a great partner to have, because he’s dependable, and his shenanigans on the course to recover from impossible situations will usually throw off the opposition so much that they will be playing defensive golf all the way. The Grinder is a great psycho guy to have in your team…but just don’t expect to be talking to him that much since he’s away most of the time.

What to do if you are a Grinder: Ridiculous as it may sound, nobody is more suited for the Grinder, than a Driver. They go hand in hand, like Tweedledee and Tweedledum. The Grinder’s optimism offers the counterbalance to The Driver’s morose look at golf; while the Driver’s initial long drive takes away the pressure to have a good drive from the Grinder. So if you are a Grinder, keep doing what you’re doing, because you are one of the endangered species of Golf. BE WARY, that in your Grinding, you do not fall into becoming the Cheater, because golf is about self governance and the best grinders are the honest ones.

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What a Phil-ling!

Phil Mickelson

Yes, I know the GPE crapped out again.

But we got the following right:

1) Westwood sucks.I rest my case. This guy will never be able to get the Masters. I’d put my money on fancy pants Poulter to be the Brit to win the masters.

2) Tiger got distracted by a pornstar. Like seriously, if not do you think he would have driven like a roast duck injected with insulin?

3) Hunter beats Ricky Barnes. I don’t think many people know their history. They were amateur rivals in the 2003 US Amateur, when Barnes beat Hunter 2 & 1 in their matchplay. After that, Barnes went south and Mahan became one of the coolest cat in the PGA Tour. He’s like a young David Duval, that’s why we support him, and we hate Barnes.

4) Anthony Kim rocks. I know he’s not Chinese, and he talks like a gwai-lo, but his face is seriously, super China-pek. That’s why we like him. To look like a China-pek and shoot 65 in Augusta is to give hope to many of us. We don’t need to look good for success. Go, China-pek!

5) For a while, GPE’s pick was chugging great for the first 12 holes of KJ’s adventure. He was -12 and one stroke back. Then came the stupid bogey on 13, where he birdied every single day! WHY???? What is going on behind that blank look of yours???

So at the end, Phil wins it by playing the most steady round. 4 birdies on the back nine did him a huge favor but he already had the game in the bag when he saved a par on 17th with a 6 footer and hold a 2 shot going into the last. He could have closed it on the 15th, when he hit a RIDICULOUS second shot behind a tree to a par 5 green and landing it 6 feet from the hole. He missed his eagle, but pyschologically, Westwood, who has a mental game of a chipmunk, has already unravelled. Game over.

The most fun part was watching Tiger. No, not for the two eagles he had (the first one on the par 4 7th is simply annoyingly lucky)…but because we can now HONESTLY say we swing like Tiger Woods.

He hooked his first drive. Just like me.

He submarined a few of his drives.

He duck hooked.

He hacked around like he was strangling a telephone pole.

He had a swing like Jim Furyk without the results.

Was it fun to watch a god become mortal? The sex scandal was boring. To see him struggle with his game the same way we all struggled…aaah. Of course, we are shooting 110, but who cares?? It’s the form that counts!

We all know Tiger is going to be Tiger and simply murder everyone on the course the next time he tees up. But, hackers and fellow gilagolfers, be at peace: WE ALL SWING LIKE TIGER!

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Augusta Rock n Roll

Well, here we are again, at a time when the Gilagolf Prediction Engine is going full scale into trying to get our first prediction correct. Our last GPE effort was taking Tiger Woods over a little Korean pygmy called YE Yang. Unbelievably, we jinxed Tiger and he winded up losing the PGA Championship and 50 million dollars worth of endorsement subsequently.

So anyways, this is the first golf tournament I am actually staying up to watch, simply because of the guy in the red shirt, being in contention in the final day, looking as if he has never been away and looking in fine shape, as opposed to the lumbering marshmallow man, Phil Mickleson. Is it me, or did that dude piled up a couple of tons lately??

Here’s our GPE!

1. Lee Westwood

We have always been unkind to Lee, saying he’s a choker and unable to close any match, even if he’s leading by 50 strokes. He’s the master of self sabotaging, and….yes, we look for that saboteur trend to continue. Predict that he will play like a constipated emu in the first few holes and wind up losing the tournament.

2. Phil Mickleson

Phil is not a particular favourite to Gilagolfers and here’s why: 18th hole, lying off the slope in 3, with little green to work with, and he flops a magnificent 64 degree up in the air like a chapati and landed softly to 4 feet for a par-save. If we even attempt to do that, we’ll wind up skulling the ball and murdering our caddy. So, yeah, thanks Phil for making us all feel like we should give up golf and become Alam Flora workers instead. As much as we don’t like him, I must say he’s looking in great shape. His golf, that is. He physically still looks like a pregnant man. Contend, but end up short!

3. Tiger Woods

Need I say more? This guy is focused on golf for the first time in his life instead of thinking about having sex with a random blonde in the gallery. And it shows. He had a supreme shot yesterday on the 18th for a birdie, and he’s carrying momentum. He’s still rusty though, especially his driver, but he’s Tiger. Yet…he will fall short, because someone resembling that pornstar woman will be distracting him from the gallery with a sign “Tiger is the father of my kids!!”

4. KJ Choi

KJ, KJ. We love his stoic moodiness when he plays, as if cracking a smile would completely disintegrate his entire face. He lost the chance for glory when YE Yang pipped him to become not just the first Asian to win a major, but the first Korean! KJ is pissed, trust me. The statue of him gripping his fat grip putter located in the Southern Hills of Keng-Jwo where korean golfers ply their pilgrimage to every year, has been replaced by YE, and his screaming face when he won the PGA. When KJ is pissed, he’s going to go all the way. Because he’s Asian, and he’s as emotional as the stone pillars outside your house, here’s to KJ, and the second Asian Major win, two in a row.  WIN ONE FOR GILAGOLF!! WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU!!!!!!

5. Freddy, Ricky Barnes, Ian Poulter, Hunter Mahan

Between this four, I am putting in my money for Hunter. This guy is a solid ball striker and he’s the coolest dude around. Also, he and Barnes go back long ways. It’s too bad they are not playing together but like always my bet is always on Hunter. With a name like that, how not to win?


6. YE Yang and Anthony Kim

These are two dark horses. I doubt YE is going to make too much of an impression. He’s already feeling the heat from the Korean KGB for taking the glory from the true golf deity of eastern culture KJ. I predict YE will throw away the game. As for Anthony, he’s fast becoming a favorite because he has a belt buckle as big as the Mercedes Benz C class sign. I don’t think he can cover enough to win it, unles the leaders fall back, but hey, Anthony, you are all time favourite, next to that piece of trash David Duval, who had us rooting for him so much, he was jinxed into playing like a baboon trying to do algebra.

OK, KJ, let’s get this darn Trophy and win it for all ASIA! Korea Boleh!!

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Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part III

6. The Slut

This species is becoming more and more common in the golfing ecosystem, thanks to Tiger Woods changing the face of golf by winning 14 majors and sleeping with 14 women. A golfer turned from clowns wearing plaid pants and dressed like a bunch of yahoos like Jesper Parnevik to cool, methodical, ultra competitive, libido enhancing warlords like Tiger Woods, introducing the game to a whole generation of corporate cats who want to get forward in the rat race by polishing their bosses golf shoes.

Characteristics: The Slut is a not a real golfer by any stretch, but usually young, ultra kiasu executives who thinks golf is ‘good for business’ and takes up the game for ulterior motives. They usually dress very professionally, oftentimes in Red, or bright colours to have an illusion of confidence, and take more time preening their hair and face than working on their swing. They also would have the latest golf clubs and gadgets and look as if they are sponsored by Taylormade or Titleist. The Slut usually will showoff his imaginary swing either at work or strategically in front of key customers or bosses, to show that he also plays golf and deserves to be in the exclusive clique. He talks a bit about golf as well, but usually avoids playing with people who cannot help him in his corporate ascension, so will always turn down this group he considers losers, such as people who write golf blogs. On the other hand, he will sleep with anyone who can make him get ahead of the rat race, hence the Slut. He will also party, booze and do everything his boss tells him, including stripping to his underwear in front of the clubhouse and squawking like a turkey. He might even be a reasonable player, but due to the wrong approach in his game, he never becomes anywhere close to good.

What to do if you have one in your flight: This specimen of golfers is usually harmless, the only annoying habit is that they might sometimes talk about things they don’t quite know, such as, “Wow, that’s a good hook,” when you pure a drive a slight draw, or “Wow, can you teach me that great shot?” When you slice the ball into oblivion. They might also be oblivious to golfing etiquette, such as not talking on a backswing, or playing ahead, or stepping on your putt line, or taking out the flag when you’re chipping, or not cleaning divots and pitchmarks or raking bunkers. This is because Sluts don’t bother to learn the game, so they don’t know what is good or not good to do. They might also throw their clubs here and there to express frustration because they have seen Tiger Woods doing it.  They also have no idea who other golfers are, or what majors are, or anything else, aside from Tiger Woods, because that’s what their bosses talk about.  Sluts are known as Golf Bimbos, in a sense, so you do need have patience dealing with them. A Slut can be converted to be a Hacker if done properly, but due to most of them having attention deficit disorder (ADD), don’t bet on a slut to be passionate about golf once he changes job, or have a boss who doesn’t play. He’ll sleep anywhere, with any game, hence…The Slut.

What to do if you are a Slut: Recognise it. Admit you are a slut and you are only in golf because you want to look good in front of bosses and you have the backbone of a jellyfish. Once that is done, try to move forward and truly give this game a chance. Play it without any ulterior motives. Play it for the love of the game. Play it for the frustration, for the pain, for the joy. Spend lonely hours on the range to work on your skills instead of quickly reading the latest golf news in google so you can small talk with the corporate bigwigs. Once you embrace Golf, you have become a Hacker, or a Grinder, or any of the more respectable classes of golfers. You won’t turn back once you are hooked on the game, that’s a guarantee.


6. The Official

This is also a common species, and depending on how you view it, can be beneficial or absolutely disruptive to your game. The Official is the refree, he knows the rules inside out, he carries a rule book with him, he drops correctly, counts correctly and is absolutely anal about the integrity of the game. He is the Judge and Executioner rolled in one.

Characteristics: The official is usually a respectable player, and an experienced player. He could be the old veteran in your foursome, the one who doesn’t drive very long and hardly gets into trouble. Because his game is so darn boring (fairway, fairway, chip, putt), he turns his attention to the other gilagolfers and clowns hacking up the course, and releases his full anal power on them. He will catch the slightest infringement, most common, is how a person penalty drop from a hazard. There is no such thing as a ‘Mulligan’ or a ‘Free Lift’ or anything that’s not in the Rule Book. Whether you are betting or not is irrelevant, the whole game is governed by rules. Some officials are so anal that they will disallow the famous but illegal OB drop (i.e 2 penalty stroke if you can’t find your ball instead of driving back to the tee box for re-tee). He will insist on you going all the way back or quit the hole. As long as you hit a ball that cannot be seen, either into the jungle, or around a dogleg, he will tell you to hit a provision…just in case.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Having an official in your flight can be an energy sapping experience, because everything is scrutinised, and this takes away alot of the fun in golf. The greatest combustion is to pair The Official up with The Slut and you can watch fireworks fly, because The Slut is the bimbo, the Official is the sage. On the flip side, if you are truly dedicated to the game, or you want to learn more on how tournaments are played, having an official in your foursome is invaluable and can even train you to win tournaments. No putts are given, all drops are correct, every part of the game is correctly done. If used correctly, The Official can be a powerful ally.

What to do if you are an Official: First, you need to know yourself. If you play in a normal Saturday foursome, set out an expectations. Say, “Look guys, do you want to play by proper rules?” and if they say yes, you become their official and walk them through the one million rules in golf. If they say no, well, either you leave them and find another group, or compromise on your anality and play along and have fun. You don’t have to follow everything to the book all the time. But chances are if you are an Official and you have a group of Gamblers, they will welcome your input. So choose your partners properly and everyone will have fun during the round.

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Danau Golf Club (UKM)

Introduction

Ok, very quickly, I’m going to say a word and tell me immediately what comes to mind.

Danau.

I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking beach and water. Perhaps due to it sounding a little like Datai or Damai, both of which are beachside courses. So when I say “Danau”, you wouldn’t be thinking of some combat course in the middle of a university premise, would you?

Welcome to Danau Golf Club, aka UKM golf club. UKM here stands for Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia, which sounds a lot like UPM, which also have a golf course. I won’t be surprised if there’s a UKM vs UPM Tavistock  cup, where each university pits their best golf players who don’t need to study to pass against each other.

UKM definitely gets more points for being creative about their names. Face it, Danau sounds a lot more impressive than, “Lets have a tournament in UKM!”. Why doesn’t UPM come up with something, like Eoworth Woodlands Club or Falling Vale Hills Club, instead of, umm, let’s play at UPM. It’s very unprofessional and unglamorous!

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Travel ( 3/5)

Golf courses must, by default, consider golfers as a bunch of yahoos, whose intelligence in directions is severely limited by the stimulant endorphins that are clogging up their brain cells in anticipation of a round of golf. It’s been proven by various scientific bodies that when someone is at a heighten state of mind, such as anticipating a round of golf or having sex, the human mind is incapable of focusing on anything else, particularly roads and directions. Hence most accidents in 2009 occured when the car involved was on their way to the golf course, or a brothel. Check it, it’s true.

Hence, idiotic golf courses like Bukit Unggul and other hard to find places like Damai Laut violates the first rule of golf courses: Make it easy for these yahoos to find. Thankfully, Danau is easy to find. Just head along the North South highway, take the Bangi turnoff and immediately, you will find what is known as the largest roundabout on earth. It’s true. It’s so huge that you’ll feel like you’re going into a different timezone by the time you exit. Anyways, head straight from the largest roundabout on earth. You’ll hit the second round about, and this time, take a 3 o’clock. Go straight and voila, you’re in UKM!

Danaumap

Now, this is VERY important. NEVER EVER enter into a university. Remember UPM? The stupidity of Malaysian universities is that they make the signs so small and filled with so many words, you need a bookmark to read it through.

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Instead, at the traffic light before UKM, take a left. You will go past a field on your right. Watch for a right turning and take it. You will be on a small road and just head straight all the way until you see Danau on your left. Kudos to UKM for allowing golfers to NOT enter the university to get to their course!

Price ( 2/5)

We managed to play for free green fee that day due to some inner connections, but here’s the actual price:

Weekdays:84RM

Weekends:147RM

Sunday afternoon:98RM

Is it a good price? I mean, sure, it’s Saujana running the place, the folks that gave us the crazy greens in Beringin. But at 84, it’s almost RM20 more than Beringin, and the weekend rate of RM150 is ridiculous. Sunday afternoon at 98RM? Some might be off to Bangi then, which is next door.

Of course, if you have the SSG Links Card, it’s a lot cheaper as this is a home course, but without it, you’re forking out a lot of money for a university course. UKM needs to understand that in that area, there are a lot of golf courses competing, closest being the god forsaken Bukit Unggul, which of course, Danau is a lot better, I’ll say it up front. But still, you’ve got the palatable Bangi nearby, which a lot of people would prefer, how can they compete?

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First thoughts

First of, if you want to compare Danau to UPM, don’t. Because Danau looks way better. I say ‘looks’, because at least for one, it has a nice club house, which begs the question: where the heck does a university get so much money to build one like this?? Anyway, the buggy stations are well maintained, the sign in was quick and without fuss and before you know it, we were nicely chugging along to the tenth tee box for our tee off.

The 10th tee box was a great welcome for us, with the word ‘Danau’ staring right at us, with OB stakes. We found out the OB stakes was for the next hole, not this one, so feel free to whack the ball over the ravine!

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Service ( 3/5)

We didn’t experience much service, except for when our buggy was dying halfway through our 14th hole and we called Danau and in 10 minutes, the guy came with out buggy. Nice. We’ll mark at as a three, at least, nothing really pissed us off about the service.

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Fairways ( 3/5)

OK, here comes the review. Were the fairways good? Yes, for cow grass. At least it didn’t have any bald  patches that made it so annoying at Bukit Unggul. In fact, maintenance and drainage were pretty good as well, and we didn’t have any issues getting slushed in as we do in other courses like Kinrara and so on.

Fairways toughness? Tough, especially for the first 9 (we teed up back nine first). Some of those fairways, like the one on the second is skinnier than an Ethiopian Kate Moss…serious! We had such a psycho time, the first three guys that teed off sent our ball way right into the jungle. The only one that made it was the clown that topped his drive and zipped the ball like 50 meters. We’re not saying we don’t like it, but you better bring your A-game driving here to Danau.

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Greens ( 2/5)

The greens were mediocre. My flight mates hated it, especially one guy that 4 putted from 4 feet. I’m serious. He putted downhill, missed the hole, ended up 6-7 feet, then slammed his other putt past to where he began, and missed the third and by the time he was finished, the words coming out were as flowery as all the flora and fauna in Danau. The greens were also hard. I think it was made of marble, the ball just bounced and flew off the greens most of the time. Compared to Beringin greens, Danau was no where and was just a huge disappointment. This was because I was such a big fan of Saujana greens, I was trumpeting the greens to be as good as Beringin and it wasn’t. So I had to eat my words. It’s like promoting your kid to be the next Beethoven and getting your entire family and friends to watch his first piano recital and all he can play is Baa Baa Black Sheep. It’s still nice, but man, what a let down, or as we say in Malaysia, potong stim la. Remember KRTU and it’s greens of death? Well, we have a challenger. Danau greens are amazingly contoured. I personally liked it, especially some of the freens that had two-three breaks and several mountains for your ball to climb and three or four-putts are the order of the day. Get your putter ready, because Danau will kill you on the greens especially if it’s playing as fast as it was when we played.

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We’re still giving it a 2, because I’m using Beringin as a reference and I just can’t take Baa Baa Black Sheep when I’ve promoted the Ninth Symphony you know.

Rough (2/5)

OK, I know you think Gilagolf always exaggerates stuff, but you won’t believe how many GURs are there in the rough in Danau. As bad as the wildboars were in Bukit Unggul, I’d think some university students are rearing wild boards and letting them loose on the course every night in UKM. Of course that’s illegal, what do you think! The wildboar patches were present in almost every hole in the first nine, especially hole 8. Here’s what we saw:

IMG_1107a.jpg picture by gilagolf

But seriously, UKM needs to do something about this wildboar problem. It sucks. Rough gets a 2 also because of rocky bunkers. Now we all hate rocky bunkers, because we’re already as bad as a drunk squirrel trying to do algebra when it comes to bunkers, but c’mon, rocks?? Our scratch up, sorry piece of equipments can only take so much abuse!

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Aesthetics ( 3/5)

OK, UKM has two different nines. The first is jungle, Ethiopian Kate Moss fairways, while the other, we’ve got nice water features coming into play. Is it a beautiful course? Not by a long shot, it’s not. Is it better than UPM, heck, yeah. The variety was very welcomed and we especially liked a few holes:

a)      Hole 12, the par 5 with island tee off. This really is a hard tee off because you basically need a lot of confidence. Take a driver and blast it too safe, your ball might end up OB. You mishit, you are in the water, baby!

b)      Hole 18th, this is a great ending hole (for us, it was a 9th hole), because a narrow tee off opens up into a green nestled between four bunkers. Hit the green and you still have multiple tiers to play with.

c)      Hole 3 has to be a signature hole. It’s a 160M par 3, with a huge elevation difference. It’s like that 7th hole in Bandar Utama. The turn off was of course the multiple chalk lines for GUR found here.

d)     Hole 4 is a killer 590m par 5. It’s never ending, lined with jungle on the right.

IMG_1057.jpg picture by gilagolf

Fun Factor ( 4/5)

Even though I am convinced all of us involved might be closer to skin cancer thanks to our exposure to the sun in Danau, I believe we all had a lot of fun. It was hot, make no mistake and a few of us had mirages of lakes and middle eastern belly dancers doing their thing on the greens (which obviously affected our approach shots, what do you think?), but overall, thanks to the variation of greens and fairways and holes in Danau, we were able to keep our morale up (except for the guy who four putted from four feet).

One thing: if you are a newbie, please be careful when implementing the dreaded “One Jug of Beer if don’t drive past ladies tee” rule. If you’re not sure of yourself, declare that you don’t want to participate (and you probably will be castrated emotionally by your flightmates for the rest of your life), because in some holes, the ladies tee is like 100 – 150 meters away. Serious. Don’t say we never warned you.

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I think some of the holes certainly made us think. Most hackers are mentally emasculated as evidence in the Ethiopian Kate Moss Hole on the 2nd.

Golfer 1 blasts his drive into oblivion in the jungle to the right.

Golfer 1: ***$&*!!!

Golfer 2: Eh, this is short hole, only 280 meters only. Just use iron, hit fairway la.

Golfer 3: Eh, but you can one on

Golfer 2 stops and thinks. It does not occur to him, of the 2,347 times he has tried to one on a par 4, he has only achieved that feat once, and that too when his sliced ball hit a bird, bounced off a branch, hit a tapir and landed short but had a monkey pick up the ball to place it on the green. He believes that might happen again. He whacks his driver into oblivion.

Golfer 2: **&#$&#!!!!!

Golfer 3: Hahaa! (Takes up a 7-iron)

Golfer 4: Eh, no balls ah? Play 7-iron?

Golfer 3 is clearly miffed by the question on the validity of his testicles. He immediately takes up driver, measures and blasts into oblivion.

Golfer 3: *&$*&#$^!!

Golfer 4 picks up his driver, mishits and rolls 50 meters on the fairway, best shot of the day.

Everyone laughs and have fun, and have astronomical scores.

Why are we so stupid when we play golf??

IMG_1092.jpg picture by gilagolf

Conclusion

By the time we approach the last hole in Danau, those middle eastern belly dancers had turned into gigantic hydras with fire coming out of their nostrils. We were almost all delusional, and stumbled with barely a concern for our scores. All in all, if you were to play I suggest you play first nine, second nine, instead of backwards like what we did. The second nine is a lot easier on the heat due to water in 4 of the holes.

IMG_1090.jpg picture by gilagolf

Overall, Danau proved to be an extreme challenge, especially if you are a newbie. Watch those ladies tee, and just get past those. If you can play in Danau and score well, you’re set to play anywhere.

The good: Accessibility; reasonable service; good variety of holes makes it interesting and memorable; contoured greens are hellish to putt on but still fun when you see opponent four putt from four feet; definitely fun if you have a bunch of gilagolfers who don’t mind having astronomical scores

The bad: The greens are disappointing for Saujana; rough is totally hacked up by wild boars, price is not very competitive given the proximity of Bangi, IOI, UPM etc.

The skinny: 22 of 40 divots (55%). The price at the moment might serve as a turn off, because unless you are SSG Links member, I don’t see how someone will pay RM84 for weekday without food. Bangi is too close geographically and serves as a competition…and they have Food! But try this course, and see if you can score and survive the Ethiopian Kate Moss Hole number 2.

IMG_1102.jpg picture by gilagolf

Danau Score Card

scorecard

Danau Information

Address: Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia

43600 UKM Bangi, Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia

Contact: +603-89258953

Fax: +60389250855

Website: http://www.danaugolf.com

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Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part II

Continuing from our exposition of the species of golfers…

4. The Teacher

The Teacher is usually a reasonably good golfer but might not appeal to everyone, depending on how you view it, how you like being taught and the time that he chooses to do his teaching. One of the golden rules of golf should always be,“Never teach unless solicited”. The Teacher mostly abides by this rule (when he doesn’t, he’s likely a Cock-Talker pretending to be a teacher) and understands the intricacies of golf instruction and does not go blabbing to everyone on what he thinks is the swing fault. The Teacher is a good observer of the game and can give extremely good tips during or after a round, that when received with the right spirit, can drive your game to a whole new level.

Characteristics: The Teacher is a committed student of the game and a very astute, patient and compassionate golfer. You need to be, when dealing with a hacker whose swing resembles a baboon trying to mate with a jellyfish. The teacher does not only teaches on the course, in fact, most genuine teachers prefer to head over to the range with the student, as opposed to screwing up a screwed up swing on the course and cause bodily harm to everyone involved. He can be found studying everyone’s swing, and when asked for comment, he would wisely say, “Hmmm. Just a few things here and there, we can try to work it out later on the range.” And he would follow up with that offer and might even take a video and do an analysis for you, for free, simply because he is compassionate. He doesn’t need to be extremely good, since a good teacher might not necessarily be a great golfer, but he understands all the fundamentals and is a devoted student to the history of the game of golf.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Savor it. Teachers are one of the RAREST species of golf available. 99% of this species is gone, and in their place, you have the extremely annoying Cock-Talker. If you do find a Teacher in your group, probe him (not literally, of course, jeez) for his insights. Most teachers are like Yoda, they speak in reverse. So when they say, “Go range, you must. Crooked your swing is, better I make it become,” you better cancel that nice romantic dinner with your wife and spend it with Yoda. Trust me, it’s worth the 3 weeks of no food and non-ironed shirts you will endure as a punishment for that cancellation.

What to do if you are a Teacher: If you truly are one of these rare souls, then find a golfer with the right characteristic: A Hacker-Joker-Grinder is a good combination for you and TEACH! You need to evangelise the game of golf and teach properly and with proper understanding, or else our beautiful game will be completely polluted by the narcissistic Cock-Talkers.

5. The Cock-Talker

Talking cock is a Malaysian slang for talking nonsense. It’s not a profanity, contrary to many mother’s beliefs, but a complete expression of the more genteel ‘Cock and Bull’ from the the Queen’s English. The West took the ‘Bull’ and the creative Malaysians took the ‘Cock’ portion. Hence, the Cock-Talker class of golfers is also known as Bull-Shitters in the west. They should never be confused with The Teacher species, because the cock-talker is only great at one thing: Talking Cock. This equates to breaking the golden rule of not teaching unless solicited. You see, Cock-Talkers have no regard or respect for the game of golf, they just enjoy squawking about what hackers are doing wrong and how they should solve their problem.

Characteristics: Cock-Talkers are usually reasonable players, but their attitude to teaching is wrong. While a teacher is patient, cock-talkers usually shoots out some inane observation in the middle of the round to you, like “You swing too fast lah, why not slow down?” When the poor hacker slows down and nudges the ball 5 feet forward, the Cock-Talker shakes his head and say, “You look up.” And when the hacker misses the ball and continues to stare down at the inanimate ball, Cock-Talker says, “Your body is too stiff.” This occurs until the hacker will literally give up playing, curl up in a fetus position on the 14th teebox and cry for mommy. The Cock-Talker enjoys these moments of superiority because they love putting hackers down. They crave for blood from beginners.

What to do if you have one in your flight: It’s easy to see a Cock-Talker. He always love to trumpet his advice to everyone. He has a comment for everything, and a so-called fix. Alas, if you are stupid enough to listen to a Cock-Talker, your game will become worse. The Mega Cock-Talker is the worst. It’s a Cock-Talker that actually plays worse than you. I’ve seen it before. This dude who is spraying his balls all over the place like pissing in the morning, actually tells me, “You are looking up. See, this is what I do…blah blah.” Now, when you blast that ball down the fairway, the Mega Cock-Talker will nod in satisfaction and say, “See, that’s all you need to do.” as if your entire golfing life and your future generations must pay homage to him for his advice. If you screw it up, he will shake his head, saying, “See, you didn’t implement what I said…” When the Mega Cock-Talker sprays his shot, and you offer him advice, he would say, “No, no, I just lost balance.” If there is one in your flight, you can either a) Tolerate the cock-talker and not listen to a word he says, b) challenge him back and offer him your advice when he screws up, and do the same, hence proceeding to a ‘Talk-Cock-Fight’ or c) Endure the round and when it is over, shake his hands and never ever recognise his face ever again, unless he is 5 feet away from you, and you happen to have an AK-47 in your hands. You should gun him down as quickly as possible and save the world.

What to do if you are a Cock-Talker: A Cock-Talker is worse than a Buaya. Nobody enjoys playing with you, because you don’t want to teach, you just want to comment. Everything also comment, down to the balls we use. You talk about spinning the ball, slicing the ball, curling the ball etc…aiyaaa, don’t Talk Cock la. If you are a Mega Cock-Talker, it’s even worse. First the reason why you suck is that you are busy commenting about other people’s game and swings. NEVER offer unsolicited advice to people who regularly beat your a$$ every week! My advice to this species: Shut up and play and keep your comments to yourself.

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Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part I

Introduction

Gilalogy is back, and in this series, we will be studying the various classes of golfers found in the golf ecosystem of Malaysia. This can possibly apply worldwide, but there has never been more varied species of golfers than in this little peninsular at the southern tip of Asia, and across the pond, the great lands of Sarawak and Sabah. Here is an in-depth but by no means complete encyclopedia of golfer species. There is a constant evolution or mutation of these classes into something else, but we will attempt to be as comprehensive as possible, and urge our fine readers to prompt us of any sightings of rare and undisclosed specimens of the practitioners of this game called…GOLF.

1. The Player

This species is quite common in the upper echelon of the golf hierarchy. Unfortunately, for bottom feeders like hackers and gilagolf.net writers, this is a rare sighting. We know of their existence due to watching them in tournaments, or seeing their names on the leaderboards of our monthly medals, or simply seeing them pay for drinks when they get their 20th hole in one of the month, but The Player is usually characterized by their intense focus, devotion and absolute discipline to the game, all of which we at Gilagolf, lack.

Characteristic: Serious, intense and DBG (darn blardy good). Handicap level from scratch to low singles. They shoot sub-80 and at times even play under par. They uphold the integrity of the game and play by the rules. They rarely laugh or talk cock. They are usually aloof, loners and prefer to spend their vacation on the putting green as opposed to the Bahamas with their family.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Good luck. The Player is long. And laser like with his irons. And doesn’t miss a putt within 20 feet. The Player occasionally doesn’t mind to mix with low-lifers like hackers, but only asks one thing: Keep you mouth shut and keep up. NEVER go into the woods and look for your stupid ball, spend 10 minutes over  a putt and chit chat. The Player hates people talking during a round, because he knows he’s too good to be bumming around a clown who shoots 120 and tries to steal free tips. Above all, never bet with The Player, even if he gives you 20 strokes. I don’t care if you are a low teen player, The Player will find a way to mess with your head and eat you like a cockle in a Penang Char Kueh Teow.

What to do if you are a Player: If you are considered a Player, have mercy on the lesser mortals. If mercy is not one of your virtues, do avoid at all cost playing with anyone who looks, talks or smells like a Hacker. Because it is an excruciating experience and you will wish you have an electric eel draped over the hacker’s face and  torment him by pulling out his nose hair one by one. Stick with your class and avoid mingling with the scums of golf and Gilagolfers.

2. The Doctor

This species is more common than the Player, in fact, most of the Doctor species were once Player species, until greed and money mutated them and forced them to the dark side. The Doctor is almost as good as The Player, and has mostly the same characteristic, except for the lack of integrity. The Doctor is the strongest species in the dark side, and often challenges the Player class in terms of skills, scores and glory.

Characteristic: The Doctor is a methodical practitioner of the game. They have also the DBG skills but they often shoot rounds of 80 plus or even higher, but therein lies their deception. They can actually control their scores. This is unheard of, especially to Gilagolfers, but it’s true. These doctors can decide if they want a bogey, or par or even a birdie and they study each terrain of each golf course to chart their way to a score they want, to optimize their handicap.  As such their handicaps are rarely single, but hover in the 13-14 range at the border of Class A and Class B handicap. They are often found in tournaments, rarely seen in normal Saturday foursomes…even if they are, they are masters of disguises and can be taken for a normal golfer at anytime they wish. They are also known as the Sith Lords of Golf.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Doctors are usually present in tournaments, especially tiered tournaments with different handicap with prize money, they will enter unfairly and win the handicap class. It’s like pitting an SLK with a Datsun 120Y. However, because they are doctors, they also need to be present in normal games so that they can submit their scorecards and play to the optimized handicap. They are not so blatant to purposely shoot 90 or 100, but they doctor it just right so that they always qualify for the handicap class that they will win. You will know a Doctor when you see him shoot anomalous scores, like 46 going out and 34 coming in. Or string in 4 straight birdies in the home stretch, or give away 4 bogeys just to keep his score at 85 or 86. As mentioned, they are masters of disguises, so avoid betting if you suspect him as a Doctor. He will always beat you by a stroke or two and encourage you to bet again….YOU WILL NEVER BEAT A DOCTOR, so don’t try it.

What to do if you are a Doctor: Please, come back to the light. Golf is a game of integrity, if you are doctoring your scores, how do you sleep every night, knowing that you have taken a crap load of money from unsuspecting idiots on the course?? You are good enough to be a Player, why not shoot for it, instead of living a life of deception? What would your mother say?

3. The Buaya

Often times, a Doctor outsmarts himself and finds himself unable to control his scores anymore. They have tumbled down from glory into one of the most vilified classes of all golfing world: The Buaya. In the west, this species is known as the Hustler. They are often called the most hardy of all species. Although actions have been taken to eliminate them, the Buaya species are always present, like cockroaches and have survived the middle ages, world wars and the economic crisis.

Characteristics: The Buaya’s skills are not as refined as the Doctor, and they lack the ability to craft their scores to what they want, but they are still a very dangerous species, and usually ply their trade in high betting foursomes. They don’t have DBG skills, but they are good enough to shoot in the 80s and also disguises their game very well. They usually declare that they suck, like “Aiya, my arm is painful,” or “I Haven’t played in a long time”, “I’m struggling with my game” etc. But yet, they will still bet. And also, they don’t mind losing, because thats how they reel their victims in. Lose small, small, then suddenly they will say, “Wah, ok, we double up this one.” And they win. But just small enough so that people do not suspect a thing, and whip out the Buaya Eliminator, i.e stuffing the 7-iron into their throat and strip him naked in the the 18th green for the whole terrace to view.

What to do if you have one in your flight: It’s hard to spot a Buaya. Aside from those giveway excuses, they will also purposely lose to win your trust. But in the long run, they will start winning and winning and winning. You can tell a Buaya from the way he bets. He likes to double up, play fringes a lot, and can suddenly shoot a great shot at a key moment and always say, “Aiya, lucky lar.” You will almost always miss a Buaya the first few times, but keep an eye out for him, he could be your close Saturday flight buddy. Also, try to find more information about him from the previous flight. Background checks help alot. If you confirm that he is a buaya, by all means, exercise the Buaya Eliminator process.

What to do if you are a Buaya: If you are a Buaya, please do the world a favor and eliminate yourself with the Buaya Eliminator process. You still have a very slim hope to come back to the light, but you’re likely too far gone, and darkness have dragged you into the pits of golfing hell. A note: Some people can actually become a Buaya by accident. For instance, after a long lay off, he can rightly say, he hasn’t played in a long time and some concession needs to be given, and he suddenly shoots well. This phenomenon is known as Crap Cleansing, where someone doesn’t play for so long, all the crap habits have been cleansed from his system. But these pseudo-Buayas are harmless, as they would never push for a big bet, and almost always, they will revert to their crappy standards in a short while. Please, DO NOT punish the pseudo-Buayas and let them enjoy their good game while it lasts.

Next session: We take a look at more species of golfers: The Teacher, The Cock-Talker, The Showboater, The Joker, The Gambler, The Hacker, The Psycho, The Statistician, The Official and a few more.

Stay Tuned!

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If Tiger can, I can

Very quickly, what was last week’s tournament, where was it held and who won it?

If you can answer these questions without googling or heading over the internet to check it, then you are a rabid golf fan who owes Tiger nothing to you loving the game of golf.

To many of us, the reason why we watch golf is because of Tiger. And we can’t answer those darn questions because we don’t really give a crap.

I mean seriously. Do you know how boring watching golf actually is?  A bunch of guys hitting a white ball over 7 kilometers of course to put into a little white hole. I sometimes prefer to watch people playing billiards as opposed to golf, or the asian food channel and try to decipher what the heck is the Chef at Home dude cooking. Or watch reruns of Sesame Street to see a hot Natalie Portman tell Elmo about the princess and the elephant. Ah, who’s hotter than Natalie?

Golf? We love to play it, but trust me, a lot of us don’t wanna watch someone else have all the fun. It’s like being a caddy, except you don’t get to throw cameras away. And good Lord, the commercials! And the times they show the scoreboard  over a still picture like a lake or a tree or a hole in the ground and the commentators babbling on like drugged zombies in a coma….why???

But Tiger changed everything. He fist pumped, he yelled, he cursed, he threw clubs around and most of all, he made absolutely impossible shots from all over the place, inspiring a new generation of slicers and hookers and hackers and duffers to say to themselves, when faced with the utmost adversity on the course:

“If Tiger can, I can.”

And proceed on to contribute to the multi-billion dollar industry of second hand, used and lost golf balls.

Now of course, thanks to the recent months development, the mantra of “If Tiger can, I can” carries a much different connotation than simply thwacking a white golf ball all over the place. A statement like that might prompt a drunk response from your resident beer guzzler in your group: “Can? Can do what? Bang balls?”

Ah, the disrespect that Tiger gets these days. Even the vice-president of United States pokes fun at him.

http://gawker.com/5496024/joe-biden-asked-to-leave-correspondents-dinner-after-awful-tiger-woods-joke

But now, Tiger is coming back. His interview is at

http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/news/story?id=5016125

This is an interesting insight on our hero. Still as distant as ever to interviewers…ah we love you, Tiger! “That’s a private matter, this is a private matter, everything is private matter. You ask that again and I’m gonna Tiger-pow the mic into your face”

But it does look that he’s more humbled by the experience. Here are a the top 4 parts of interest:

1. The interviewer asked what treatment was he undergoing and he says it was private? I’m like, isn’t it obvious? He just had sex with 14 women, who, like MLM, probably has had sex with 14 other guys who had 14 other women who had 14 other guys etc….so overall, he probably had sexual relations (using Kevin Bacon’s 7 degrees of separation) with 2.2 million people in the world. WOW! It’s a treatment of either sexual addiction or AIDS, mr Interviewer!

2. He says he was excited to see the guys in Augusta again and he says he misses his friends and misses competing. I think it’s a lie. I think what he means is, “I miss making these grown losers cry because I’m taking away all the majors from them, especially that wanker Ernie Els.”

3.  He says he wants fans to clap for birdies. Is it an innuendo? Does birdies=one stroke under par? Or Birdies = Natalie Portman? Which one sounds better?

4. He says he loved Elin with “everything I have.” This is so interesting, because we usually say, we love so-and-so with everything “I am”, not “have”. Could this mean the 500 million dollars he has insured on their marriage?

And also, here are the top 4 things we don’t condone:

1) Cheating on his wife. Period. I mean, it’s bad enough to cheat, but the utmost disrespect is to cheat on her with those skanks that resemble your house doormats! And Elin is hot! Probably not as hot as Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel, but Tiger didn’t go for Nat or Zooey, he went for a couple of old women and a very old looking pornstar!

2) Disappearing for a few months. OK, that sucks, because we now think he doesn’t have the b*lls to face the music. How does that inspire us? The next time we critically injure someone with our slice shot, instead of going over to apologize and offer a jug of beer, we run back to our buggy and speed off.

3) Conducting a lamea$$ apology with only his friends present. It was lame. I mean, Elin wasn’t even there. Who they heck was he apologizing to? The Nike women sitting next to his mother? What are they going to do? Slap you with the million dollars they are offering at your altar?

4) Not picking a fight with Ernie and Jesper. I mean seriously, Tiger, if you are so tough on the course on people who disrespect you, (remember the hapless Steven Ames and clueless Rory Sabatini?) , why didn’t you jet over to Ernie’s place and smash his kneecaps again with your driver, and go over to Jesper’s place and bash his face in, while yelling, “I am improving your looks, monkey-man!”

Ah Tiger, we missed you.

Welcome back.