Category: Gilalogy

Hi, this is not really a post, but there was someone who sms-ed me a couple of weeks back regarding some stuff on sale.

Unfortunately (unbelievably, my phone crashed–dont buy blackberry!!) and I lost all my data + sms etc. Small chance if you’re reading this again (after being pissed off with my no response), sms me again and I’ll send over the pics.

To other gilagolfers, can’t wait for the British Open!!! Go DUVAL!!!

In the days of old, when golfers were men,
Before Camilio, Sergio, Adam came to fame,
Wearing their tight shirts and girly white pants,
There was the Shades, cool was his middle name.

Who is the Shades? Also called Mr 59,
Yep, 59, not 69 to those with an unsound mind,
At Bob Hope, eagling the back nine,
The fans call it, it’s D-Squared Time.

What happened to the greatest player of all,
He won the Open and became number one,
For some strange reason, he started to free fall
Started hacking and playing like a bum.

D-squared, over and over he would flop,
Played worse than Ian Baker Finch in tights,
Hooks, shanks, duffs and top,
Chopping up the course day and night.

D-Squared is lost now Tiger gets the glory,
Years goes by but still he sucked,
His average is 96, sometimes 120,
His caddy’s favourite word now is “Oh, ******!”

D-Squared says he’s world’s top 10,
But he still played like he had two left hands,
He managed to tee it up at 2009 US Open,
What transpired then was magnificent.

Drive after drive he would stripe it down,
He would recover with birdies from triples,
His putts dropped in, with that rattling sound,
People waited for him to crack like he always does.

Come last round, on a sunny Monday,
The Shades birdies three in a row,
Tied for lead, two to play,
A Major winner for the worst player in the world??

Alas, 17th lip out done him in,
The gallery groans–what a great pity!
He missed a must make birdie on the eighteen,
Unknown guy wins the coveted trophy.

So DD, win Turnberry for us, will you?
Then you will stroll into Golf’s Hall of Fame
May your drives be straight, your putts be true
Here comes the Shades,  cool is his middle name.

12:51 AM (Malaysian Time)

David Duval just stuffed in his third birdie in a trot for the lead.

I thought of just putting in this post considering this is the most excitement we’ve seen in a long time.

And this guy triple bogeyed his first hole this morning!

But he made a crap shot on the 17th and now that fellow with the bad hair has a birdie to go to -4 and one up.

Come on DAVID!!! Stop Screwing up!!!!

For those who have been following this blog faithfully (I can sense the dwindling enthusiasm due to my complete lack of updates), you would know for each of the major championship of golf in a calendar year, we (the Gilagolf team–we sound like a big group of editors and writers but so far I have only succeeded in recruiting my dog) will dust off our GPE – Gilagolf Prediction Engine – to predict who the winner is. For you heavy betters, so far, we’re a fat 0 out of 5 in terms of prediction, so umm, go easy with your millions first eh. We’re still tweaking it, it probably has as much chance of getting the prediction right as us hitting a golf ball at an elephant wearing a tutu.

I tried following the US open this year. I really did. But because of the delays and rain and stopped play, I ended up watching all my backlog DVDs starting from Chuck Norris, Missing In Action. At least I cleared that piece of crap up. But seriously, watching it on TV has been excruciating. And why do those two clowns (Andy North and the bald headed guy) keep talking? Why don’t they just show us whoever is out in the field?? Or at least catalog pictures of Morgan Pressel for us to see?

With the dust settled (or in this case, the water receeded), we’re left with a gangly bunch of fellows at the top of the leaderboard. GPE, here we go again…

Lucas Glover (-7)

Anyone with this kind of hairstyle will likely be assassinated before going up to take the US Open. That being said, from the way he has been playing, he seems to be the more steady one of the two leaders, so there might be a chance. We’re still going to say NO, based on the LHT (ludicrous hairstyle theory) rule of prediction, which states: “Anyone who pretends to be Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber will immediately lose his chance of winning a major championship.” Prediction: Bust, due to nasty hairdo.

Ricky Barnes (-7)

Never heard of him? Gilagolf has made a career in following unknown players over the years. Ricky was actually the guy that was once paired with Tiger in 2003 Masters where he beat Tiger (during the rounds he played) so he definitely has game. The fun thing about him is that he was once seen attacking a tree with his club due to his frustration. I mean how often do we ever get to see that, much less do it? Predicition: Bust, but likely will be caught chopping down a tree with 7 iron.

David Duval (-2)

You have no idea how long we have waited to see D2 on the leader board going into the final round. Sure his drives still suck here and there, but this is the longest he has been without screwing it all up. He has 15 more holes to go, and 99% he will be screwing it up, but we’ll root for him all the same..what a story he will make, and it will definitely make him jump over many of us in terms of world ranking. He’s currently ranked 1,123,452 in the world, behind a scottish terrier named Rufus. Prediction: Bust, but very likely to jump over Rufus in world ranking.

Ross Fisher (-2)

Remember how we once predicted this guy to lap the field? Well,  here he is again. Will he win? No he won’t. His time will come, but I don’t think the Americans will ever let a Brit take away their  national championship, right? It would be highly embarassing. It’s like allowing the Malaysian Open to be taken by guys from other countries…I mean, any country allowing that to happen has as much pride as the underneath of a toilet seat cover. Malaysia Boleh! Prediction: Bust, but he might win the British Open!

Phil Mickleson (-2)

Everyone wants Phil to win. I don’t know why. The only thing that is outstanding about him so far is his man boobs. Why does a guy with man boobs insist on wearing tight lycra? WHY?? It’s distracting and it throws our GPE out of whack. Jokes aside, what he has been doing this week has been pretty amazing, considering the personal issues he’s currently going through. He certainly has the game to pull it through, but he has always been a little weak in the mind. However, we think the field will give 2 – 3 strokes back and Phil might be able to claw back to win it. Prediction: WIN, but only for sentimental reasons.

Hunter Mahan (-2)

We always like Hunter. Because he’s such a cool cat, compared to Ricky Barnes. But imagine these two guys going head to head in the US Open just like the Amateur Open many years ago, which Ricky won. I’m sure Hunter is pretty sore about it and would want to avenge his defeat..that’d be a good story. Don’t think he’ll win it, but when he gets hot, he heats up in a hurry. Prediction: Bust, but likely to attack Ricky Barnes as Ricky attacks the trees.

Mike Weir (-1)

Not much chance for a guy who shot 64 in the first round and 74 in the 3rd. He’s also +1 over 3 holes in the final round, so he definitely doesn’t look like being in a good shape. And again, the Non American theory applies. Especially to Weir. Prediction: Bust, else America’s troops will start invading Canada.

Tiger Woods (E)

Tiger is just in here because we think his face is marketable. We also believe his name will garner more hits for our website. And of course, he has a knack of a comeback. If he can get to four under on the front nine, watch out for him. Prediction: Bust, but he’ll make a move, definitely. Else, we’ll just randomly use his name to get more website hits: Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods,Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods….

Face it.

We’re possibly facing the toughest times these days in most of our relatively short lives. (When I say relatively, I am comparing us to giant tortoises that can live up to 155 years…another useless information to digest). I mean seriously, how many of you reading this actually lived in the depression era in the 1920s? Or, ok, closer to home, in Malaysia, when was the last time you remembered that the economy faced such insumountable odds to climb back to a respectable level?

So, instead of doing what God has created us specifically for, that is to indulge int outdoor activities like golf and lounging around in the sun and hacking away golf courses till our dying day; we are all stuck in little cubicles, customer premises, presentations and trainings, blankly staring into space, either thinking about our next tee off or Mickey Mouse playing a Ukelele.

I just read in the newspapers that Newcastle United, the football club is starting to lay off its employees as it has descended into Championship League (which is like a crap crap league, despite it’s sexy name, very much like the champions tour in golf).

Face it. To all the blank-staring-mouse-playing-ukulele-minded golfers out there, we’re all this close to joining those Newcastle fellows for permanent holidays. No inflow of cash means a very very limited budget for golf, so here’s a breakdown of the 3 main things we can probably do  as golfers to utilise our considerable talents:

1. Pro Golfer

There’s as much chance of this happening than the Sphinx actually growing a tail and wagging it while fetching a stick thrown by Paul McCartney. That’s how random it will be, and how probable I think it will be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure half of you guys have a shot at this, but seriously, really?

Probability: Sphinx grows a tail and fetches a Paul McCartney thrown stick.

Income: $10 million a year (that’s in USD, and you needing to beat Tiger at least 10 times to win 10 events)

2. Caddy

It’s a tough life, being a caddy. You lug around a bag, and try to stay ahead of your golfer by giving good hints, good reads, good tips and still end up frustrated when the golfer still suck. It used to be pretty lucrative, especially if you indulge in a bit of caddy betting on your golfers, and also demand at gunpoint in the carpark for him to tip you RM30 or above…you need a gun for that, so it’s not really recommended…just look menacing, it’s enough as most golfers talk tough but are relatively genteel in heart.

But these days, the caddy landscape had altered considerably. Gone are the golden era where caddys jaunt up and down the golf course, chatting away with the golfer and wiping and cleaning the clubs and having a teh tarik afterwards. With the advent of golf buggies, caddies are just luxury items now. Also, with the advent of Indonesian females, male caddies are especially difficult to find a proper job, unless you put on the skirt and look like one of those ambiguous people in Patpong, Bangkok. You need to be fairly pretty to pull that off, seriously, because it’d be weird to see a grown man with a moustache sitting on another grown man’s lap driving a buggy. It’s disturbing as well.

Probability: Very difficult living, especially for men who don’t look like those ambiguous people in Patpong.

Income: $100 a day at most. It really depends on how you perform with your golfer. And I don’t mean perform in anything related to golf, you know.

2. Golf Teacher

That’s more like it. All of us can actually be golf teachers, since we are probably better than some of our colleagues and friends. The key to being a golf teacher is to advertise. Walk around the office, talking especially to managers and people lounging around the pantry, since they are likely the ones with nothing better to do. While talking, don’t sit, but stand around and now and then, make a swing with an imaginary golf club. Do it slowly, as if you are subconsciously doing a perfect swing – and also because, we all swing with an imaginary golf club about 1,000,000X better than we do in real life. You will look even more impressively doing it while talking about a business deal, or expressing your frustration at something. The contrast between the gravity of your subject and the zen-like nature you take a swing will prompt the next critical question: “Do you golf?” And now you got them.

Answer: “Hmm? Oh! Golf? Just a bit. When I have time. All beginners only lah…”

These are good answers because you don’t throw anyone off, especially shy beginners who know they suck and certainly wish to pick up the game, but they suck at it, so they rather not.

If the conversation halts, continue on: “It’s a really useful game for business (lie), and also, health, since there’s a lot of walking (lie), and also I enjoy the outdoors a lot, so it’s just for fresh air (lie). The group I play with are also beginners (lie), don’t worry, no betting one (lie), we all play for fun only (lie again).”

Basically, you just need to hook them in, all the while swinging and putting imaginary clubs. Then go for the kill: “Hey why not we head to the range together tomorrow (or today, since we’re sitting around eating cupcakes anyway)?”

You might need to lend them extra clubs (an old 7 iron you use to beat up your mattress would suffice), and just say you’ll join them, but let them provide the golf balls. When they agree to it, make sure you order a lot of balls…say it’s for them and that they need it.

The key to being a good teacher is to be a fairly good golfer yourself. Nobody wants to be taught by a clown who duck hooks every shot. So, on the range, give a few tips, but never admit your mistakes. When you:

Duckhook, say: “That’s a useful shot to get out of trouble. This goes around the trees.”

Slice, say: “Tiger uses that often to carve his way around Augusta.. This is to also go around trees the other side”

Shank, say: “Wow, that’s a shot I’ve been trying to pull for ages. It’s actually a shot to get out of the woods and still ensure a lot of roll on the fairway. It’s hard. Try it (and when they succeed, which they invariably will, say:) Wow…you are a natural!!”

Whiff the ball, say: “It’s always useful to take a practice swing before the actual shot. Kind of feel it first, you know”

Knock the ball a few inches in front, say: “Oops. That was a practice swing. The force must have been so great, the wind from my club knocked off the ball. Darn!”

Hit a super shot and your student claps, shake your head as if unhappy. “That might look good, about 300 meters or so (even though it dropped at 150, most beginners are distance challenged), but there’s way too much topspin and it’s not on an optimal transitional trajectory on the upswing path. Not enough torque, shaft bend, and the kick is too low.” Impress your student with your drive for perfection and absolute nonesensical scientifc terms for golf.

The key here is to really get free balls and when ready, get the student to pay for your round on the course. You save up a lot of money free loading on unsuspecting students. It’s a start. Soon, there will be more and more references and when you have enough students, you not just play golf for free, you eat for free, your transport is also free. Plus, some of them will actually pay, especially when you advertise yourself as the company in house instructor, before you get fired.

By far, being a golf teacher is the most lucrative business to be in, after you get laid off doing your day job.

Probability: Anyone who can advertise and swing reasonably well can be a golf coach.

Income: $1000 a month savings, a potential of up to $10,000 a month if you can lock in corporate customers.

So why are you still here reading this crap? Head to the pantry with your imaginary club and start swinging!!

The duck won it. I think we need to relook at our GPE yet again, because the horse we bet on shot +1 and dropped from 4th to 10th. We’ll never bet again on a horse with a loopy swing. Was the final day fun? You bet. I followed the Tiger-Phil circus all the way and at the 17th tee, they were -10 with good opportunities to go lower. What happened? Tiger choked on his drives in the last two hole and bogeyed both. Stupid driving, honestly. Phil, on the other hand also choked with a bogey on the last, but he hit some pretty darn amazing shots, so head to head, he beat Tiger flat.

Marshmallow man aka Chad Campbell actually played very well, to claw to -12 from -9 but the biggest choker had to be Kenny Perry. After stiffing it at 16, with a two shot lead, everyone was prepared to go home. They tailors were already stitching his size for the green jacket. Then, what a train wreck. Bogey 17 from a crap tee shot. Then crap tee shot on 18, pull hook like a 24 handicapper, hit the lousiest chip of his life, missed the 10 footer par, dropped 2 shots in 2 holes.

First playoff hole, El Pato is in the trees, and hit trees on his second, and still managed to stiff his 3rd and sink the putt. Meanwhile, the two fat americans played like clowns from prime spots on the fairway. KP finally hit a good chip and managed save par. Poor Marshmallow Man missed a 4 footer and you could just see him trying not to cry. Poor guy. I was really rooting for him because he reminded me of Charlie Brown, you know.

The second playoff hole was anti climatic. If you watched Mike Weir win it in 2003, it’s exactly the same sequence. KP pulled his shot into the pine trees the same way Len Mattice did, and with it, goes immortality and his name, Kenny Perry will forever be blotted out from the histories of golf. Like, as if you know who the heck Len Mattice is right. Who is this guy?!?! So bye bye Kenny Perry, your loopy swing proves pretty crap under pressure, and now, an Argentinian duck has won the most prestigious golf major of them all.

Also, I noticed nobody really cheered when El Pato sank the last putt. I saw many onlookers just looking with their arms crossed. What the heck is wrong with these sore losers? I know this is American home ground, but if an American continually choke under pressure, it’s not the Argentinian’s fault, right?It’s a pity, because it’s pretty pathetic to see this fat Argentinian dancing his duck dance and doing his duck fist pumps and quacking in delight and the only happy person seems to be his caddy. It’s sad, because nobody wanted him there.

Not even our tremendously flawed GPE.

Dear Earthlings,

This is a confession. I’ve been residing in your planet for close to 34 years now. That’s roughly one year more than Jesus. But I’m not him. The only similarity we have is that we’re not from this planet. I can see why. Your planet really sucks.

I mean, I like the food and all that, and I love the kids, sure. And I got the hottest girl as my wife, got two beautiful earth children. They are not so good with traveling, so I’m just gonna bum around this place till they are old enough not to scream their heads off everytime I take them for a spin in my space pod.

Anyways, back to my gripe. The reason why I’m writing this is because I’m so sick of how terribly magnificent I am and how awfully sucky you guys are. I know I sound like a 5 year old when I say that but forgive me, because I’m still trying to grasp some of your expressive earth language, which I try to shout out when I’m on the course, and whenever I’m bored, which is about 99% of the time. In my planet, we have the expression, bork. It’s like, it’s borking hot. Or you can say, bork you, which is a very rude statement. Sometimes, I say bork me when I happen to hit a strange shot, but back where I come from, you get slapped 30 years suspension on the course for saying that. That’s why I never say that now…I use some of your earth language instead.

The reason is this: I’m running out of space. Seriously. I just bought a borking mansion at Jupiter Island (now, guess which planet I come from?) and now most of its rooms are filled up with these lousy trophies. How many do you want me to win before you guys can step up and at least grow some spine? I just won the Bay Hill for like, ummm, six times? I lost count, sorry, not bothered, but this time, I wanted to make sure I don’t win it, you know. Tim, the PGA commisioner doesn’t know my back story, but I think he sort of suspects it. He told me the other day: “Ty,” (I swear I’m going to stiff my wedge up his donkeyhole one day for insisting in calling me that) “Ty,we need you to reign in a bit. People are getting bored because you keep winning. So, why don’t you play for second or third but still give a good fight, because I’m scared we lose our viewers, and that means you lose your earth money. I mean…money.”

So the next day, I took a chainsaw and mauled my knees a bit. I went on to play the US open last year to give them a good fight sort of. I was supposed to screw up the last hole, but at the last minute, I really got so sick of seeing that Rocco’s slack jaw grin, I decided, the hell with it. I’m gonna ram this ball into his mouth and break all his teeth. Figuratively of course. Tim was pissed, but I didn’t give a bork. So I closed down after that and went on a couple of trips in my space pod with my hot wife.

Now I’m back and I’m playing my third tournament, and for bork’s sakes, you guys still suck. I keep hearing about these guys called Anthony Kim, that Irish kid, that Japanese dude, that Argentinian dude, that tight pants Colombian guy…heck you guys are all from the same planet, so your games will suck nonetheless. I hate to sound so negative, but I was looking forward to facing these fellas when I return. Sure, I let the first two tournament slide, just to see where these ‘young guns’ were. I even let that fat clown Phil win the Doral. I hate his mug, but Tim keeps yapping about him and begged me to let him win for once. Can you believe that guy has never won a WGC? I don’t know why people like him so much. Seriously, Phil, you are a borking loser. I wish I never let that tournament go.

Now, for this Bay Hill, I purposely let myself sit 5 back. Just wanted to enjoy the show. Suddenly this little kid, Sean O’Hair started shaking like a leaf and playing like a borking twit. It takes 3 holes to shave that 5 stroke down to 2. No way am I gonna allow this guy to win, because his game is around the same standard as myself…when I was a fetus. So I set up a bogey for myself on 17 so we are even, you know to give him a little hope. On the 18th, it was so borking boring, because he missed his birdie (Sean, you suck), and I guess I had to make mine, because I’m not free to come back on Monday, I promised the kids that I’ll take them out skiing.

Earthlings, I can’t believe I gave you one year to catch up on me and all you had to show was Fat Phil closing the gap a bit and even having the audacity to think he can be number 1 this week if I lost and he won next week. At least give me a better player. I took a year off and all I see is this?? Bork, I can’t wait to get my butt off this planet.

Next week is Augusta, and I’ll decide when I wake up if I want to play well or not. Frankly I don’t care. You guys are hopeless, and I’m obviously too good for you. My fellowman from my planet was right when he quit basketball to play baseball…you earthlings are simply not worth my time to put in any practice. That being said, I still like the food. I also like the following people:

1) Stevie Williams – this guy is nuts. He’d be incarcerated for multiple lifetimes if he was in my planet. He reminds me of a serial killer, so I better make peace with him before he murders me and my family.

2) David Duval – I don’t know why I like him, but because he had so little to say and just lived his life like he didn’t borking cared. I told him once I was from another planet when I was drunk and he just looked at me for 3 seconds before ordering another drink and talking about how fat Colin Montgomery has become. Rest in peace, my dearest friend.*

3) Rory Sabatini – I like him the most. I am thinking of bringing him home with me and disecting him for examination. He’s obviously a head case, since he keeps saying he can beat me, but plays like me in my fetus form…I’ve never seen such a disillusioned person in my life.

To all you other earthlings playing golf, I can’t believe how borking incompetent this whole PGA tour is. You guys really, really, really suck.

Regards,

TW

* I was informed David Duval is still very much alive and actually played in Bay Hill. I was beginning to wonder who the bork was that fat guy wearing glasses who kept calling out my name. I hope my bodyguards didn’t rough you up too much, Davey, I thought you were one of those rabid fans. I’ll take you up on my space pod, ok?

Very quickly, name me the guy who won this year’s Buick Invitational.

Nobody cares. That’s the point, and I’ll be honest here: Golf is a really really boring game to watch. I’m serious. You see a guy hit a ball and then it either cuts to a commercial break or it just kinda follows other non-interesting people out there. It’s really annoying, because nobody wants to watch a guy called Tim Clark beat the crap out of the best player in the world. If I were Tim Clark, I’ll demand a trillion dollars from the networks and take a fall in the game with this guy called Tiger.

This week, Mr Woods tee up again in his ‘real’ tournament, i.e a stroke play tournament. How much have we missed this fellow?

Imagine the number of golf telecast I have watched since Tiger left the show in the US Open.

Two.

That’s the British Open and PGA Championship. Was that fun? Sure, a little, everyone likes Padraig Harrington. But it wasn’t extremely interesting. I have watched a grand total of 0 telecasts this year, and I didn’t even cared when PGA season started or not. Sure, we’re having guys like Anthony Kim, Villegas and some young fellows out there, but again: WHO CARES? These are sideshow bobs. These are non entities in the grand scheme of things. They are interesting to watch, but again, in all honesty, watching golf is a sucky experience without the King. I’d rather turn the channel to RTM1 and watch a joget competition or jump around the bed in my undies.

So, he’s back. Now we can watch Golf again. Now we can witness the superhuman heroics again. Now we can see how he can beat the crap out of Anthony Kim, Villegas and all the other clowns who play this game.

And here’s the most ridiculous piece I’ve read so far:

Garcia has a shot at No. 1

Sergio Garcia is probably the most hated guy in the world of golf. I don’t know why. It’s unexplainable. He’s apparently number 2 in the world and according to the article, he can be number 1 if he wins and Tiger finishes 27th or worse — or something. I’m not a huge Tiger fan (isn’t that obvious by now??) but if Sergio ever becomes number one, I’m going to take out my R5 driver and start smashing my TV set. Garcia is crap….and one of the reason why Anthony Kim has been a favourite was the way he smacked that Spaniard butt back in Ryder Cup (oh yeah, I watched a bit of the Ryder Cup but fell asleep halfway, then turn to RTM1 to catch up on my Joget show.)