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Gilanalysis 15: Staffield West and South

Handicap:20

Gross: 95

Net: 75

Verdict: I don’t understand why my clubs don’t come to work together?

What Happened + Mini Review

Staffield has always been a course that pretty consistently gives us high marks. Surprisingly, this is the first time I ever got a chance to review the West course. So aside from a gilanalysis, this is going to be a mini review of Staffield West. So away we go!

Some courses are easy on the eyes, the same way some women are, or some cars are: they don’t overwhelm you with massive good looks and just welcomes you home like a best friend, neither do they resemble a discarded banana skin on their best day. Case in point:

Something homely like Ginnifer:

vs something not so homely:

You don’t ever wanna get caught in a course that resembles the second one….take that, Bukit Beruntung, Frasers and Selesa Hills!

Staffield is Ginnifer Goodwin, welcoming, relaxed, homely…like a guy’s best girl friend whom you won’t fall in love with, but whom you like to hang around and talk crap to and crack stupid jokes with. Ah, good old college days.

I digress. Once you are on the first tee on the homely, inviting, best friend Ginnifer West course, you’ll be watched by no less than 20 people (as the tee off for the North course is NEXT to you), but looking at the HUGE fairway on the opening par 5 will make you feel a whole lot better…and we did, with each of us stripping down the fairway and strutting to our buggies like we were pros. Obviously, we all descended into the duffing, topping and whiffing hackers we all are in reality after that. But hey, first tee jitters: BEGONE!

The second hole is an inviting straight par 4, which after a good drive, I was set up with an 8 that I proceeded to duff. 3 on, 3 putted and back to life, back to reality of Golf Hacking.

The par 4 third is a really very picturesque hole, with water on the left of the green, and a grand view over the next hole, which has an intimidating tee shot for hookers. Thankfully I have seemed to graduate from a hooker on my misses to a slicer…which might seem like a strange progress, but it’s true what they say, you can talk to a fade but not to a draw, meaning, slice misses seems a little better for me in keeping the ball in play. I mean, have you ever duck hooked before? It doesn’t stand a chance, it just goes 50 meters or so and skitters into a drink or kills someone in the next flight. A banana slice miss at least goes further and higher, and at least you can align yourself for that miss. It probably makes no sense, but nothing much in my golf game makes sense.

At this point, after starting with a par, I have proceeded to make a mess of my irons and my putts to double bogey 3 holes, before sorting out with a bogey on the par 5 5th, a narrow tee shot that opens up considerably after that. It’s surrounded with forest so, as usual, keep the dang ball on the fairway and you’ll manage this.

The par 3 8th (like the one on southern) is probably the best looking hole for us. It’s a short par 3 at 130 meters, with water on the left, and an elevated tee shot. I didn’t take a picture because a phone call came, but trust me, it’s still an intimidating 130 meters to the green.

The last hole, like Southerm requires you to blast past the water to the dogleg right, elevated green, which makes it awesomely hard to reach in two. But it passed what we call ‘Last Hole Test’, which is to make sure the final hole doesn’t resemble the underside of a toilet seat (such as Harvard’s final hole), so people leave with good impression. Staffield West is a must play.

Why I Sucked

Putts. It doesn’t look like I had too many 3 putts, but I made a lot of good chips that stopped within 3-5 feet of the hole. I missed, I think 3 3 footers, and 2 more within 4-5 feet. Putts I should be making in my sleep just didn’t fall.Plus the greens were devilish. Not bad, but difficult, for some reason. The speed was quick on the first few holes, and then it slowed down considerably, causing us to putt like lizards on cocaine.

IRONS. Especially my stupid pitching wedge, 9 iron and 8 iron. These are scoring irons, the bread and butter of golfers. And I managed to play HORRENDOUS with them. Two GIRs means CRAP irons. While my driver was working overtime, my iron days was best summed up on the easy hole 14. I had about 110 meters left to the green. An easy pitching wedge in hand and I completely whiffed it into bunker. 15th, same, easy fairway 9 iron big pull to the left and a duff chip caused my double bogey. And hole 16, an easy pitching wedge again push right. I don’t get it…this never happens on the range, where I can hit 6/10 times the driving range green and come here to play like a Phillipino Tarsier being jabbed with morphine.

Not So Sucked

If there was a positive, driver would be it. I drove very well overall, except for a few bad ones here and there, but still managed to escape those due to the generosity and welcoming nature of Ginnifer Staffield. My driver distance has been shortened due to my insistence on playing for a fade instead of draw, so that my misses are slices instead of hooks (read above for a full dissertation of this amazing strategy), but I’m getting it more in play, and I am SURE sooner or later, when my putting, driver, irons and short game come together, I will be able to pull of a 39 on a 9 hole like I did in Harvard. Some day.

What to Work On

I am almost this close to giving up practicing on the range, and save up my money to buy an iphone or something. It’s quite useless to play so well on range and hack around like a grave digger when it actually matters. I was fortunate to be playing on a Ginnifer course today….if I brought this game to a discarded banana skin course like Bukit Beruntung, I would have shot like 10 strokes worse.

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Gilanalysis 14: Bukit Kemuning

Handicap:20

Gross: 87

Net: 67

Verdict: Second sub 90 round of the year!

What Happened

I was actually feeling better about my swing since practicing a bit after the embarrassment at Templers. And Bukit Kemuning, famous for its runway, huge fairways seems like a course that would allow us to boost a little self esteem. Also, Bukit Kemuning is flat as…a runway…..I refrain from the obvious simile that most men are familiar with, because this is a family friendly golf blog.

Anyways, we all know Bukit Kemuning completely sucks in terms of service, and that hasn’t change one bit. Registering for the round too nearly as long as having a colonscopy done on you, and when you got to the course, they gave us a caddie who halfway had to run off to take a dump; and couldn’t find any balls, and always stuck to the guy on the fairway. Grr. Also, Bukit Kemuning is expensive. Even with a voucher we forked out close to RM90 due to the stupid “forced caddy” policy, and this is for a course that should cost RM50 for the weekday. It’s not a very good course, to be honest. There’s really nothing nice about it, fairways are bare, no elevation, no undulation on the green…you could possibly play yourself into a coma on this course….but they still cut your throat while you’re in coma.

Anyways, I played pretty well; at one point, going +2 over eight holes with 5 pars, 1 birdie. This is mainly due to a LOT OF BAILOUT courtesy of Bukit Kemuning’s fairways. If I were to play in Seri Selangor, I would have OB’ed 3-4 times with hooks and slices. Six greens in regulations also was a record high for me, but my putter was really up and down today. Basically, yet another tale of missed opportunities.

We all think Bukit Kemuning has generous fairways, but I still only managed to hit 4 fairways, which shows our skills deliberately balances itself to its own crappy nature when playing on ‘easier’ courses….and the course is deceivingly long, so it ain’t as easy as you think!

My 87 was good though, but due to the retarded nature of golf wagers; I ended up losing the most moolahs. Go figure. The other three shot 94,95 and 104 respectively and I lost the most – 5 balls to them. We played the 3-1-1 format for sixers, hence the incredible possibility of being the best player and winding up the biggest loser. AIYA.

Why I Sucked

Putter was completely broke in some holes including missing 3 footers at hole 3, 11, 15 and 16. Drivers, while it doesn’t look like it was also a bit out, but not too much, except for the final hole where I drove a great drive, flew over the fairway and into the small little hazard drain. A good thwack with my hybrid allowed me to salvage a bogey, but I was fuming mad at the course that penalises good hits.

Not So Sucked

As bad as I putted, I still managed two significant bombs. First, a 10 footer to save par on the on the 12th, and right after that, a 30 footer across the green for a birdie on the 13th. But except for a semi shank with my nine on the 10th, my irons were working well. Take that, stupid 8-iron that shanked in my eagle attempt in Bangi….I hold grudges a lot on my irons.

What to Work On

To be fair, I was experimenting yet again with my putter, using my blade. Who’s to say with my mallet I might have putter better? But driver is still WIP, and my play around the greens are absolutely clownish. I.e stick me 30 feet in, and it’s like having a tapir on a tightrope 90 feet in the air. Without a safety net. And hunters shooting at it. While eating a banana. That’s how tense I am.

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Gilanalysis 13: Bangi 1 and 2

Handicap:20

Gross: 94

Net: 74

Verdict: It really was better than it looks…

What Happened

After the nightmare at Templer, it’s always a great welcome to play at Bangi 1 + 2 (Kajang and Putrajaya). It’s like coming home, because Bangi is really one of the all time favourite course. Yet, I started playing like a twit with 2 triple bogeys. It wasn’t that bad, a snap hook at the first and I was behind the green in 3. However, a stupid duffed chip, 5 on and a 2 putt started me off. 2nd was a great 9 iron in but caught the lip of the bunker and rolled to a very bad spot. Took two to get out and three putted!

Hit a great drive on 3, leaving 150 to the par 5, and a six iron on the green. And again, my first putt blasted past and my birdie turned away, 3 putt again! Aiyo. 5th and 6th could have been pars, a skulled 60 degree 3rd shot messed the 5th, and my 2nd on the 6th was literally one metre away from the green and rolling near the hole. Instead it hung up on the bunker face. 7th is always a do or die for me. I OBed my driver being extremely aggressive.

My worst hole was the 9th. I hit the best drive ever. Ever. I was 140m downhill on a Par 5 looking at an eagle. Guess what. 8-iron SHANK. As in I shanked the heck out of it and nearly murdered my friend, OB. AUGHH. Fourth to the front, bad chip two putt. My front nine could have been 3-4 shots better, but there you have it.

Back nine was a blitz until messing up my 8-iron AGAIN on the 14th and a pull on the 15th. Sandy par on 16th was my final highlight. The last two holes were all survival mode after pull hooks with my driver. Bogey free back nine. Good eh?

Why I Sucked

Anyone interested in a loose 8-iron? As in, what do I do with my 8? Shanked it at my eagle approach. Duffed it on 14th to mess my 4-par momentum. My 60 degree wasn’t very kind as well, and putting struggled all the way. I never could get used to Bangi greens. I like it but somehow I always get messed up by the speed. Driver began hooking at the end, but no, I liked my driver this round.

Not So Sucked

Driver finally worked. Except for the 1st, 7th and 18th pull hooks, the rest were dead on. Alignments gave me issues on 15th and 18th but overall, especially on the front nine 3 par 5s, smoked it straight and long. Finally, good boy, Mr Driver.

What to Work On

Missed opportunities due to some absolutely ridiculously lousy iron play. More positives than negatives though, as soon as I sell my 8-iron, I think I can probably go pro.

By the way, as I write this, I just watched Tiger miss a 3 foot for eagle. He has literally dropped 3 shots in the back nine. So kan-cheong one la.

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Gilanalysis 12: Templer Park

Handicap:20

Gross: 100

Net: 80

Verdict: As the Paula Abdul song goes: 2 steps forward and 2 steps back

What Happened

I really feel like saying, with all my heart, with every ounce of pain and anguish that my good friend Michael Corleone had expressed when he said the same lines: “Just when I think I’m out…they pull me back IN!!!”

Out means, out of the woods. Out of the crappy drives that spins unreasonably to the right into OBlivion. Out of the lousy golf that constantly haunts me whenever, especially when I play on this particular golf course.

They means, heck I don’t know, the golfing gods, the lousy driver, the horrendous caddies in Templer Park, the mystifying reason why I chunk all my wedges or the greens were all the size of Brazil.

After all the pluses from Gunung Raya, my game went south today, but it didn’t start too bad. In fact, I parred my first hole! The second could actually be a par, but I topped badly my first tee shot into OB (yes, a par 3), but my third landed sweetly and I just missed by bogey save by a hair. In fact the next two holes were excellent, except I brain farted on my chips and wedges. I was actually putting unconscious, bombing the 10 footers, one putting 4/5 holes.

I don’t know where it started to slide, but I was feeling pretty good on the front nine, despite my scores looking extremely sorry….most of it were due to aggressive approaches due to the fact we had our RM3 bet going per hole, which is a huge huge capital to outlay.

Back nine was when I killed myself. Or rather the caddy. Hole 10, was a normal shot, into the rough. She looks all around and couldn’t find it. I looked all around and couldn’t find it. Dropped ball, triple on a relatively easy hole. Hole 11, snapped hooked 3 balls into OBlivion, but luckily I found my first ball! Double. The rest: Survival mode. I don’t remember much as I hardly saw the sunlight, playing from tree to tree. I ABSOLUTELY DESTEST the par 5 hole 15. Whoever created it is a sadist. Jungle jungle framing every inch of this hole, that drops down into a blind green. The last hole was fun. I tried to thwack it across the pond, only to have it veer to the right towards the longest carry. It nearly carried, just hit the rocky embankment and trickled back in.

Why I Sucked

I am this close to throwing away my driver with the new shaft recommended by the shady salesman in MST golf. Also, my wedges was absolutely horrid. And also: Caddies. I generally have little patience for them, but Templer Park Caddies is right up there with all the WORST CADDIES IN MALAYSIA: Air Keroh and Impiana following right behind. I know, caddies are not to be blamed for crocked swings, but here goes the warning: I don’t mind them being uneducated, but here were the issues we had with them:

1) Both caddies regularly left us attending ourselves on the green, seeking shelter in the shade while we putted. We had to take up the flag, place it back etc. One of my pals flipped after the 4th hole and really grilled both of them until they were probably crying. I say probably, since we couldn’t see their eyes, as they were wrapped up like Laurence of Arabia.But come on, caddies, do your job, instead of staying out of the sun!

2) Couldn’t find balls. My friend lost a ball just off the rough. I lost my ball on the 10th. Another friend also lost a ball that could have been found. They had such horrendous attitude. I watched my ball sail close – about 5 feet or so – to the caddy from the other buggy in the rough. She just walked away, and as we approached and didn’t see the ball, she just called from the green saying, “Saya Ingat Plug. (I think it’s plugged)”. I told her in less than complementary terms to get her elongated butt down to the rough and tell us where in blazes was it ‘plugged’, and we had to search for it.

3) Terrible distance. NEVER LISTEN TO the caddies in Templer. Never. Not even if they warn you that there is a meteor shower heading your way, or that a hurricane is coming, or Godzilla had risen from the pond in hole 18. Pack of lies. Also, they never read the green. You know why? Because they are always looking to be in the shade, those lazy Laurences of Arabia!

Not So Sucked

Putter was smokin! Also, despite the really crappy caddy service, kudos to the course master, this lady who looks like she’s going to chew you for lunch and spit on your bones. She’s those tall, loud and bossy lady like my school discipline teacher. In fact she looks exactly like Coach Beiste in Glee!

Yike.

We didn’t book, so we were bumped to the 9:10 am flight (having arrived in templer at 7!). BTW, Templer Park golf works in Cambodian time, one hour behind. So they only have a counter lady there at 8-ish, so no need to go so early next time lor. Anyway, this dragon course master took pity on us and by 8:30 am, sandwiched us between two booked flights, with a stern “You better play fast!” and I was like, it pays to have some pathetic puppy dog face to remind dragon ladies of their sons. Aww. She’s a nice lady at heart, bless her.

What to Work On

Driver. What else? When your ball is spinning 90 degrees to the right, there’s something seriously baboonish about the swing.

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Gilanalysis 11: Gunung Raya, Langkawi

Day 1

Handicap:20

Gross: 87

Net: 67

Verdict: This is how this darn game should be played!

Day 2

Handicap:20

Gross: 92

Net: 72

Verdict: What a difference a day makes…twenty four little hours brought the crap again…

What Happened

I have never played on one course for two consecutive days before, but in Langkawi, you don’t really have much choices. Gunung raya starts off at RM140 (weekdays and weekends), throws you into a buggy and off you go on a course resembling Nilai Springs or Seremban 3. The fairway is awful: bare, more sand than grass; the greens in a mediocre condition; but the course is open, free of people and after that horrendous experience in Seri Selangor, to have a course that allows you to play golf under 3 hours is an amazing change.

Also, the other golf courses are Langkawi golf, which is closed indefinitely, so it’s currently being overruned by man eating baboons.

The other is Datai, which the last time we played was about 300++ per person. Now, it has ballooned up to RM510 per person. We need to change our gilagolf ranking for this course…is Datai worth that much? Hmm. Let me see….NO ABSOLUTELY FREAKING WAY. It’s a reasonably nice course, but dude, RM510? What the blue crap are they trying to pull? Thanks, Datai for discriminating against 99% of the population of Malaysia. Say NO TO DATAI!

So, back to Gunung Raya. The first day, was probably the best golf I have played in AGES. Eons. The first 7 holes were bogey all the way, but the manner of the bogeys were satisfying: saving those 5 footers on several occasions, except for hole 5 where I managed to 3 putt. I birdied the eight with a putt off the green but proceeded to brain fart with a 3 putt on the tough index 1 9th. Looking back, I could have scored 41 or something, but then again, I could also have missed those critical five footers to save bogey.

Back nine, more or less the same, except I messed up the par 3 17 by hitting the bunker, but overall, the drive was great, the putter was great, the irons were so-so. But Gunung Raya allows a lot of mistakes, especially to slicers on the first nine, on a few occasions I was borrowing fairways and still managed to put in on, or near the green.

Day 2: Ah…how we would go with so much optimism only to see it fade as we revert back to our epileptic crap golf.  Day 2 was more reflective of my up and down golf, with big scores and more pars. The day started like a mirror copy, but unravelled with hole 2 drive into the drink, hole 3 drive into the drink, hole 4 par 3 into hazard (??!). From there, I managed to recover a little, and actually played well from hole 5 to hole 13, a string on nine holes brain-fart-free. Hole 14, I was 150 away with a six iron in hand and completely SHANKED it to oblivion. I managed to four on two putt for a six. Hole 17 again, hit into the sand and couldn’t escape, this is by far my worst hole on this course. I hate Hole 17.

Why I Sucked

Day 1 was great. Except for a couple of times my irons failed. Day 2, drive was pulling, and had some unlucky bounces here and there…but for sakes, my irons were absolutely shiitake. I kept digging the darn ground and in Gunung Raya, it was black dirt. So, cangkul it and your clubs will pop right back up and you will shank, top, thin, duff etc. Maybe my swing too steep? Some occasions I had my 60 degree for second shot and still managed to sabotage myself by putting it in the sand, fatting it, thinning it…man, it sucked.

Not So Sucked

Driver on day 1 was great, I was like a pro. Well, almost lah. But you know when we get arrogant and start twirling the stupid driver like Tiger, with one leg lifted. If it wasn’t on the fairway, it was just a little off the rough, and recoverable. Day 2: it all went south. My theory is that I wore RED on day 2, and put too much pressure to be like that black guy with the twirly driver. My putting was also quite OK, but gunung raya greens weren’t exactly very fast, or tricky and and greenside grass was so short I could put 5-10 meters away on some occasion.

What to Work On

Easy. Irons again. In no other game have I more chances than the last two, although day 2 scores didn’t reflect it. But constant duffing, thinning and one occasion, the dreaded shanking sabotaged back my game into mediocrity. I hate irons. I’m going to start putting from 150 metres in from here on.

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Gilanalysis 10: Seri Selangor

Handicap:20

Gross: 97

Net: 77

Verdict: Slow progress…but signs of daylight…

What Happened

For some reason, Seri Selangor always seem to play like a sadistic course. The greens in the back nine was great…very fast, but hey, that’s Seri Selangor greens for you…but the front nine, again they were sanding it. I don’t know why, but it seems to be always under some sort of maintenance or improvement, so the greens sucked. And the rough was holding on to our balls like a pitbull. Some holes, my eight iron was mashed to pieces and could only get the ball to trickle like, hmm, 20 metres?

But a lot of the screw ups were mainly self inflicted. The easy 11th, I decided to tee up with my 3-wood for safety. Note to hackers: Tee off with 3-wood is BAD ADVICE. Because of our retarded swing, it makes no difference, we’re still going to skull it, thin it, toe it etc and the only difference from the driver is how far it goes. This time, I toed it and it skittered to the right rough. Deep rough. 8 iron advanced it only as far as the tree. Another 6 iron punch into the bunker. 4th and 5th shot to get out. 6th putt missed and settle for triple on the easiest hole!

I did make up for it by negotiating the treacherous 16th with a booming drive and a 9 iron in . Chip, putt for par. Same thing on 17th, except approached it with my hybrid and chip, one putt for par.

Front nine was disastrous. The easy 8th par 3 was stupidly hit into the trees on the right…and lost it! 3rd shot skittered down to the left, one chip and two putted my way to a triple.

The only pars on the nine coming in was the index 3, that needed a good drive, and a disciplined 7 iron. The last hole, another good drive, and an 8-iron to 6 feet (which I missed of course).

Why I Sucked

I think my drive was ok, except in Seri Selangor there is no getting out of jail. Some good drives kicked into the trees etc and chances to get out is as slim as Kate Moss on a 40-day fast. But I am trying my darnest to stop my propensity to dig. I messed up a few well placed shot by cangkuling the ground into pieces. Stop the landscape business and I will get better.

Not So Sucked

Driver was hot and cold. My misses now veers to the left because I strengthened my right hand grip..at least I think that is the reason…my golf IQ is only slightly higher than an iguana’s. But a few booming drives helped me stick par in the Index 2,3 and 4 hole, something I have never achieved before in Seri Selangor. On those holes, my irons worked. I also switched my blade putter back to a mallet putter to handle the devilish greens better.

What to Work On

Aside from my landscaping business, my pitching was atrocious. On the fourth hole, I managed to amazingly skull my 3rd shot pitch from 20 metres away from the green, into the jungle behind and lost ball. Also on the par 5 18th, 30 metres from the green, my third shot plonked into the bunker face, and took me 2 to get out. Fix the pitching and stop the changkuling!

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Gilanalysis 9: Rahman Putra Lakes

Handicap:20

Gross: 99

Net: 79

Verdict: Amazing! Three 99s in a row for the same course!

What Happened

Home course my foot. Again, KRPM, again, the same score, of 99, no kidding. It’s as if it’s groundhog day, every time I play this course, no matter which route I take, I’ll end up in the same score.

Today was one of the days when nature called. Every shot I am hitting seemed to be hitting a dang branch or tree bark one way or another, no kidding. I think I must have killed a dozen innocent squirrels. First hole, pulled left, escape, hit a tree branch, fell right at the tree root. A few more tree shots later and I stumbled in for 6.

Second hole, par 3, I have played +10 over the last 4 times. This time, in water, pitched my 3rd on, and two putted.  The notable escape was on the horrendous index 1 8th, when I yanked my second shot hybrid into the tree next to the green. From the tree root, I managed a lucky flop onto the top mound of the green and trickled to two inches of the hole. The next hole, played it perfect, 3 wood, 3 wood, and a nine iron stuck 3 feet from the hole, and a harrowing downhill birdie putt that entered. Aside from one par on the back nine, I was stuck again in survival  mode especially the last couple of holes.

Why I Sucked

I don’t like to blame the weather, but it was like teeing off in Mercury. The fact that my slice shot is not getting any better didn’t help. And again and again, my failing irons are completely unsynced. With these two threatening to derail my every move, it’s no wonder I don’t see any improvement in this dang score!

Not So Sucked

I like my 3 wood now. For many years, this 3 wood (old taylormade 360xd) has been in the closet but in some of the holes, notably the birdie hole and the par 5 3rd, I’ve hit the flushest shot of my life with this. Of course, just as many moments when it failed, like the final 2 holes, when it found water…but nothing is more entrancing than hitting a 3 wood off the deck, flushed. More entrancing than blasting a driver I think. But slightly less than seeing Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Yow.

What to Work On

I’m so tired of writing the same thing and not able to do anything about it. I mean, who in their right mind will go to the range instead of heading to the course to play under a mercurial hot sun, lose a dozen balls, get cramps from traisping up and down the hills and risk getting bitten by king cobras? But here it is: Driver and Mid-Irons. Figure that out.

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Gilanalysis 8: KGPA

Handicap:20

Gross: 97

Net: 77

Verdict: Welcome to the Jungle, we got fun and games…

What Happened

Everytime we tee it up in KGPA, that GNR song plays in my mind because everywhere I look, especially in the front 9, it’s jungle, jungle, jungle. KGPA is in okcondition, good drainage and fairways, but the greens are horrendously slow. The first few greens we putted, it wasn’t pressed down, so you can imagine how bad a shape it was, no roll whatsoever. Compare this to Bangi, KGPA greens are in sorry condition. Be aware if you tee it up here.

I hate the second hole Par 5. It’s stupid for KGPA to put OB right of the cartpath because you have a nice adjacent fairway (hole 14) where you can possibly hit a recover shot. Note to KGPA, Nilai Springs and all these other courses that sprinkle OB stakes here and there: Let the golfers play, will you? If we can escape a bad tee shot, let it be, instead of putting OB here and there. That’s why Rahman Putra is better, because they removed the OB stakes on the par 4 16th to let the golfers play on. They grew some brains. Now, KGPA, please remove those OB stakes, your ridiculous course is already tough enough!!

I expected KGPA to be hard, and it was. We struggled, with the normal peppering of good drives, horrendous slices, great recoveries, crappy duff shots. Two incidents to note:

1) Pured a 3 wood second shot on the very tough par 5 12th. It landed near another group of golfers who had wandered into our fairway. As I was driving I saw two balls next to each other. Once i was there, the other golfer (a white guy–as in western, not pale white) had already hit his. He walked on without any acknowledgement. I couldn’t find my ball anywhere! When I ran after him and asked if he took my ball, he just went, “Mine’s a japanese ball…no take your ball!”

WHY DO WESTERN PEOPLE THINK THEY MUST TALK IN BROKEN ENGLISH FOR US TO UNDERSTAND? Seriously, do they think we are frigging idiots who cannot speak english and they need to put subtitles on us everytime we speak? I was ready to powerslam his bearded face into a pulp with my driver and shout, “China free from gwai-los! Long live chairman Mao! Please give back ball, you thief!”

The caddy apparently saw him picking up my ball and putting into his pocket. By then, I was offered a free drop from my mates, but due to my seething anger, proceeded to mess up the hole with a double bogey.

2) I like the Par 5 17th. 3 of us hit really good drives, which put us into a predicament: cross the lake and go for two or take the sissy way out and lay up. We opted to gun it with full testosterone. First guy’s 3 wood never stood a chance, his slice splashing into the water. My 3 wood was again hit very well (yes, I am a braggart, because I suck in everything else), and crossed….and landed into the bushes growing at the side of the lake….and rolled back in. AUGH! Gotta rehit! The third guy’s 3 wood suspiciously started on a very safe line and drew safely on dry land. We eyeballed him as he shrugged and said he was aiming at the water. Ya, right. Bull crap.

Why I Sucked

Well, putting struggled on the first nine, due to greens, primarily. Driving wasn’t that atrocious, but my irons was as painful as watching a monkey giving birth. I don’t remember hitting one shot that was pure with my irons. I kept pushing or pulling them, and obviously my game eventually disintegrated and went into survival mode.

Not So Sucked

Pretty proud of the ending though. The par at 16th was set up with a nine iron from a hilly lie after a terrible drive. Then the misadventures at 17th, but I hit my 4th shot 3 wood near to the green. One pitch and putt for a bogey. Final hole, I chunked my third, chipped my 4th about 5 feet past, and putted in to win the bet. So still win some money lar…

What to Work On

Irons. And drive a lot straighter. It could have been a lot worse if not for some lucky breaks here and there…including the proverbial golfer’s luck of watching your ball spinning into oblivion and hit a tree and come out. We say, “Ada monyet! (Got monkey!)” before descending into cackles of insane laughter, which shows how absolutely stupidly juvenile golf humour is.

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Gilanalysis 7: Rahman Putra Lakes

Handicap:20

Gross: 99

Net: 79

Verdict: Consistently bad on home course….

What Happened

The one thing about my golf is I am at least consistent…consistently bad, that is. The last round at KRPM yielded a 99, and this time around, another 99. We teed it up on the back 9 and I immediately tripled it. But unlike the usual brainless strategy of taking out the big dog and letting it rip (and consequently into the ravine, or into the water), I wanted to think like a low handicaper and wisely teed up my 7-iron on this par 5. Second shot, I chunked my stupid hybrid (I hate hybrids…..), then yanked my pitching wedge (I hate wedges…) into the slope on the right, my fourth hit a tree, my fifth hit a tree and trickled to the front. Six on, two putt. So much for thinking like a low handicaper and playing like a hobbit on crack. After that, it was just a series of misadventures, due to my amazing drives that can bend around the great wall of China, and my absolute, completely buffoonish putting. I hate 4 3-putts in the first nine…I mean, it’s has GOTTA be the putter, ain’t it?

My back nine gave me a birdie on the first, but yet again, I died on the stupid Par-3 2nd. After some bogeys, began my descent into darkness, +9 over 4 holes. Amazingly, at least I can still say I played double digit only.

Why I Sucked

Greens were slightly slow, but that’s no excuse to an extremely sorry day of putting. Although I putted much better coming in, the 20 putts on the front nine was suicide. And what the heck happened to my drive and irons??? Just when I thought I figured it out, my irons had to turn into Jack the Ripper and murder me on almost every shot!

Actually, this portion of the analysis is quite useless, because about 99% of the time, I don’t know WHY I suck. If I knew, I’d be improving, don’t you think? I mean, it’s like having a guy that plays with you and comment on your swing as if he knows what the heck is wrong with it. He doesn’t. The only one who knows why I suck is God. And I think God probably has more important things to work on than to bother correcting my stupid swing. When we go to heaven, we’ll probably figure out why we suck so much. If there’s golf up there.

Not So Sucked

Not many things went right. Maybe my temperamant. I was pretty calm amidst the catastrophe surrounding me today. I am trying to learn how to zen out and not cause too much damage to my clubs by tomahawking them into the ground…oh yeah, bad for the course too…

What to Work On

I think back to the range (as if that will happen!!), and try to hit my drives and my irons properly. My drive now is improving, really, despite all indications showing otherwise…at least now my misses are slices. I know it sounds like I don’t know what I’m talking about…but try figuring out how to play with duck hooks, and you’ll take balloon slices anytime. Trust me, I am a hooker convert.

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Gilanalysis 6: Bangi – 2nd and 3rd

Handicap:20

Gross: 93

Net: 73

Verdict: Driving was up and down like the share market!

What Happened

This was an unexpected game, because we were due to play in Danau, using one of the free vouchers that I had. we arrived at 8 sharp and smack into a wall of Koreans. I mean, literally, it was as if I was magically transported to Seoul. After wading through this sea of foreign fellas, we hit right into a long line at the registration counter. Danau has only ONE person manning the entire registration process. ONE. After about 15-20 minutes of waiting, this ONE person finally walked out, leaving a bunch of us bewildered on what the &*$* was happening. She came back to say, “Sorry, no more buggy.”

OK. This is total crap. It’s like waiting the whole day to do your darn IC and at 4 sharp, with only one more person in front of you, they say, “Come back again tomorrow.” WHAT?!! Is this a government golf course? Oh wait, it’s a university. Same service. Well done, Malaysia, on setting up universities that are mirroring exactly what a life of service hell will be like for us low life scums called the rakyat. Behold and worship the Koreans!

So, we headed to Bangi down the road and amazingly, parked, changed, registered, zipped into an empty course in 5 minutes. Beautiful Bangi. Aaah.

Ok, enough of yammering. We played 2nd and 3rd since the first (our favourite with all the reachable par 5s) was closed. I promptly started with a par, then duffed my chip on the 2nd to a double. I drove really solid after that enroute to 5 straight bogeys, including 2 three-putts that could have been pars. The greens in Bangi= SOLID. Very very fast, very very nice to putt. They also beautified the drivable Hole 4, now the pond has a nice embankment. The greens weren’t so good on the 3rd nine (that’s why, never play on the 3rd), but aside from my slice, I managed to play respectable, even on a mickey mouse course like Bangi.

Nothing special happened, except for a guy on my flight slamming in a 50 foot putt on the index 2 6th. And he’s like handicap 24. So his net score was actually a 1.

Why I Sucked

Drive, drive, drive. It’s like a love hate story. One hole I absolutely adore my new S9-1, the next, I want to snap the shaft and burn it as a sacrifice to the Koreans. Hole 8, sliced into water on the right. Hole 11, snapped hooked into the jungle on the left. I just managed to 5-on and two putted. Then hole 15, sliced into oblivion. Hole 16, also sliced into oblivion, but somehow, hit a lone tree and snapped back out again to the fairway. Par. Now I don’t know whether my missed shot is a snap hook or a banana slice. Great.

Not So Sucked

Putting returned after the horrendous outing at Perangsang. I still 3 putted a few, but due to the large undulating and lightning fast greens, I have no complaints. My drives (when connected) were generally VERY encouraging, it had a slight fade ball flight and was easier to control than my tremendous hook.

What to Work On

Drive. Need to make that fade a lot more consistent. Aside from that, my irons also suffered for unknown reasons. Chunked a lot of easy shots. If you can’t break 90 in Bangi, you can only hope you still have your pants on when you play Seri Selangor. I know it makes no sense. It just sounds pretty foreboding.