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Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part II

Continuing from our exposition of the species of golfers…

4. The Teacher

The Teacher is usually a reasonably good golfer but might not appeal to everyone, depending on how you view it, how you like being taught and the time that he chooses to do his teaching. One of the golden rules of golf should always be,“Never teach unless solicited”. The Teacher mostly abides by this rule (when he doesn’t, he’s likely a Cock-Talker pretending to be a teacher) and understands the intricacies of golf instruction and does not go blabbing to everyone on what he thinks is the swing fault. The Teacher is a good observer of the game and can give extremely good tips during or after a round, that when received with the right spirit, can drive your game to a whole new level.

Characteristics: The Teacher is a committed student of the game and a very astute, patient and compassionate golfer. You need to be, when dealing with a hacker whose swing resembles a baboon trying to mate with a jellyfish. The teacher does not only teaches on the course, in fact, most genuine teachers prefer to head over to the range with the student, as opposed to screwing up a screwed up swing on the course and cause bodily harm to everyone involved. He can be found studying everyone’s swing, and when asked for comment, he would wisely say, “Hmmm. Just a few things here and there, we can try to work it out later on the range.” And he would follow up with that offer and might even take a video and do an analysis for you, for free, simply because he is compassionate. He doesn’t need to be extremely good, since a good teacher might not necessarily be a great golfer, but he understands all the fundamentals and is a devoted student to the history of the game of golf.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Savor it. Teachers are one of the RAREST species of golf available. 99% of this species is gone, and in their place, you have the extremely annoying Cock-Talker. If you do find a Teacher in your group, probe him (not literally, of course, jeez) for his insights. Most teachers are like Yoda, they speak in reverse. So when they say, “Go range, you must. Crooked your swing is, better I make it become,” you better cancel that nice romantic dinner with your wife and spend it with Yoda. Trust me, it’s worth the 3 weeks of no food and non-ironed shirts you will endure as a punishment for that cancellation.

What to do if you are a Teacher: If you truly are one of these rare souls, then find a golfer with the right characteristic: A Hacker-Joker-Grinder is a good combination for you and TEACH! You need to evangelise the game of golf and teach properly and with proper understanding, or else our beautiful game will be completely polluted by the narcissistic Cock-Talkers.

5. The Cock-Talker

Talking cock is a Malaysian slang for talking nonsense. It’s not a profanity, contrary to many mother’s beliefs, but a complete expression of the more genteel ‘Cock and Bull’ from the the Queen’s English. The West took the ‘Bull’ and the creative Malaysians took the ‘Cock’ portion. Hence, the Cock-Talker class of golfers is also known as Bull-Shitters in the west. They should never be confused with The Teacher species, because the cock-talker is only great at one thing: Talking Cock. This equates to breaking the golden rule of not teaching unless solicited. You see, Cock-Talkers have no regard or respect for the game of golf, they just enjoy squawking about what hackers are doing wrong and how they should solve their problem.

Characteristics: Cock-Talkers are usually reasonable players, but their attitude to teaching is wrong. While a teacher is patient, cock-talkers usually shoots out some inane observation in the middle of the round to you, like “You swing too fast lah, why not slow down?” When the poor hacker slows down and nudges the ball 5 feet forward, the Cock-Talker shakes his head and say, “You look up.” And when the hacker misses the ball and continues to stare down at the inanimate ball, Cock-Talker says, “Your body is too stiff.” This occurs until the hacker will literally give up playing, curl up in a fetus position on the 14th teebox and cry for mommy. The Cock-Talker enjoys these moments of superiority because they love putting hackers down. They crave for blood from beginners.

What to do if you have one in your flight: It’s easy to see a Cock-Talker. He always love to trumpet his advice to everyone. He has a comment for everything, and a so-called fix. Alas, if you are stupid enough to listen to a Cock-Talker, your game will become worse. The Mega Cock-Talker is the worst. It’s a Cock-Talker that actually plays worse than you. I’ve seen it before. This dude who is spraying his balls all over the place like pissing in the morning, actually tells me, “You are looking up. See, this is what I do…blah blah.” Now, when you blast that ball down the fairway, the Mega Cock-Talker will nod in satisfaction and say, “See, that’s all you need to do.” as if your entire golfing life and your future generations must pay homage to him for his advice. If you screw it up, he will shake his head, saying, “See, you didn’t implement what I said…” When the Mega Cock-Talker sprays his shot, and you offer him advice, he would say, “No, no, I just lost balance.” If there is one in your flight, you can either a) Tolerate the cock-talker and not listen to a word he says, b) challenge him back and offer him your advice when he screws up, and do the same, hence proceeding to a ‘Talk-Cock-Fight’ or c) Endure the round and when it is over, shake his hands and never ever recognise his face ever again, unless he is 5 feet away from you, and you happen to have an AK-47 in your hands. You should gun him down as quickly as possible and save the world.

What to do if you are a Cock-Talker: A Cock-Talker is worse than a Buaya. Nobody enjoys playing with you, because you don’t want to teach, you just want to comment. Everything also comment, down to the balls we use. You talk about spinning the ball, slicing the ball, curling the ball etc…aiyaaa, don’t Talk Cock la. If you are a Mega Cock-Talker, it’s even worse. First the reason why you suck is that you are busy commenting about other people’s game and swings. NEVER offer unsolicited advice to people who regularly beat your a$$ every week! My advice to this species: Shut up and play and keep your comments to yourself.

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Gilalogy 101: The Species of Golfers Part I

Introduction

Gilalogy is back, and in this series, we will be studying the various classes of golfers found in the golf ecosystem of Malaysia. This can possibly apply worldwide, but there has never been more varied species of golfers than in this little peninsular at the southern tip of Asia, and across the pond, the great lands of Sarawak and Sabah. Here is an in-depth but by no means complete encyclopedia of golfer species. There is a constant evolution or mutation of these classes into something else, but we will attempt to be as comprehensive as possible, and urge our fine readers to prompt us of any sightings of rare and undisclosed specimens of the practitioners of this game called…GOLF.

1. The Player

This species is quite common in the upper echelon of the golf hierarchy. Unfortunately, for bottom feeders like hackers and gilagolf.net writers, this is a rare sighting. We know of their existence due to watching them in tournaments, or seeing their names on the leaderboards of our monthly medals, or simply seeing them pay for drinks when they get their 20th hole in one of the month, but The Player is usually characterized by their intense focus, devotion and absolute discipline to the game, all of which we at Gilagolf, lack.

Characteristic: Serious, intense and DBG (darn blardy good). Handicap level from scratch to low singles. They shoot sub-80 and at times even play under par. They uphold the integrity of the game and play by the rules. They rarely laugh or talk cock. They are usually aloof, loners and prefer to spend their vacation on the putting green as opposed to the Bahamas with their family.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Good luck. The Player is long. And laser like with his irons. And doesn’t miss a putt within 20 feet. The Player occasionally doesn’t mind to mix with low-lifers like hackers, but only asks one thing: Keep you mouth shut and keep up. NEVER go into the woods and look for your stupid ball, spend 10 minutes over  a putt and chit chat. The Player hates people talking during a round, because he knows he’s too good to be bumming around a clown who shoots 120 and tries to steal free tips. Above all, never bet with The Player, even if he gives you 20 strokes. I don’t care if you are a low teen player, The Player will find a way to mess with your head and eat you like a cockle in a Penang Char Kueh Teow.

What to do if you are a Player: If you are considered a Player, have mercy on the lesser mortals. If mercy is not one of your virtues, do avoid at all cost playing with anyone who looks, talks or smells like a Hacker. Because it is an excruciating experience and you will wish you have an electric eel draped over the hacker’s face and  torment him by pulling out his nose hair one by one. Stick with your class and avoid mingling with the scums of golf and Gilagolfers.

2. The Doctor

This species is more common than the Player, in fact, most of the Doctor species were once Player species, until greed and money mutated them and forced them to the dark side. The Doctor is almost as good as The Player, and has mostly the same characteristic, except for the lack of integrity. The Doctor is the strongest species in the dark side, and often challenges the Player class in terms of skills, scores and glory.

Characteristic: The Doctor is a methodical practitioner of the game. They have also the DBG skills but they often shoot rounds of 80 plus or even higher, but therein lies their deception. They can actually control their scores. This is unheard of, especially to Gilagolfers, but it’s true. These doctors can decide if they want a bogey, or par or even a birdie and they study each terrain of each golf course to chart their way to a score they want, to optimize their handicap.  As such their handicaps are rarely single, but hover in the 13-14 range at the border of Class A and Class B handicap. They are often found in tournaments, rarely seen in normal Saturday foursomes…even if they are, they are masters of disguises and can be taken for a normal golfer at anytime they wish. They are also known as the Sith Lords of Golf.

What to do if you have one in your flight: Doctors are usually present in tournaments, especially tiered tournaments with different handicap with prize money, they will enter unfairly and win the handicap class. It’s like pitting an SLK with a Datsun 120Y. However, because they are doctors, they also need to be present in normal games so that they can submit their scorecards and play to the optimized handicap. They are not so blatant to purposely shoot 90 or 100, but they doctor it just right so that they always qualify for the handicap class that they will win. You will know a Doctor when you see him shoot anomalous scores, like 46 going out and 34 coming in. Or string in 4 straight birdies in the home stretch, or give away 4 bogeys just to keep his score at 85 or 86. As mentioned, they are masters of disguises, so avoid betting if you suspect him as a Doctor. He will always beat you by a stroke or two and encourage you to bet again….YOU WILL NEVER BEAT A DOCTOR, so don’t try it.

What to do if you are a Doctor: Please, come back to the light. Golf is a game of integrity, if you are doctoring your scores, how do you sleep every night, knowing that you have taken a crap load of money from unsuspecting idiots on the course?? You are good enough to be a Player, why not shoot for it, instead of living a life of deception? What would your mother say?

3. The Buaya

Often times, a Doctor outsmarts himself and finds himself unable to control his scores anymore. They have tumbled down from glory into one of the most vilified classes of all golfing world: The Buaya. In the west, this species is known as the Hustler. They are often called the most hardy of all species. Although actions have been taken to eliminate them, the Buaya species are always present, like cockroaches and have survived the middle ages, world wars and the economic crisis.

Characteristics: The Buaya’s skills are not as refined as the Doctor, and they lack the ability to craft their scores to what they want, but they are still a very dangerous species, and usually ply their trade in high betting foursomes. They don’t have DBG skills, but they are good enough to shoot in the 80s and also disguises their game very well. They usually declare that they suck, like “Aiya, my arm is painful,” or “I Haven’t played in a long time”, “I’m struggling with my game” etc. But yet, they will still bet. And also, they don’t mind losing, because thats how they reel their victims in. Lose small, small, then suddenly they will say, “Wah, ok, we double up this one.” And they win. But just small enough so that people do not suspect a thing, and whip out the Buaya Eliminator, i.e stuffing the 7-iron into their throat and strip him naked in the the 18th green for the whole terrace to view.

What to do if you have one in your flight: It’s hard to spot a Buaya. Aside from those giveway excuses, they will also purposely lose to win your trust. But in the long run, they will start winning and winning and winning. You can tell a Buaya from the way he bets. He likes to double up, play fringes a lot, and can suddenly shoot a great shot at a key moment and always say, “Aiya, lucky lar.” You will almost always miss a Buaya the first few times, but keep an eye out for him, he could be your close Saturday flight buddy. Also, try to find more information about him from the previous flight. Background checks help alot. If you confirm that he is a buaya, by all means, exercise the Buaya Eliminator process.

What to do if you are a Buaya: If you are a Buaya, please do the world a favor and eliminate yourself with the Buaya Eliminator process. You still have a very slim hope to come back to the light, but you’re likely too far gone, and darkness have dragged you into the pits of golfing hell. A note: Some people can actually become a Buaya by accident. For instance, after a long lay off, he can rightly say, he hasn’t played in a long time and some concession needs to be given, and he suddenly shoots well. This phenomenon is known as Crap Cleansing, where someone doesn’t play for so long, all the crap habits have been cleansed from his system. But these pseudo-Buayas are harmless, as they would never push for a big bet, and almost always, they will revert to their crappy standards in a short while. Please, DO NOT punish the pseudo-Buayas and let them enjoy their good game while it lasts.

Next session: We take a look at more species of golfers: The Teacher, The Cock-Talker, The Showboater, The Joker, The Gambler, The Hacker, The Psycho, The Statistician, The Official and a few more.

Stay Tuned!

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If Tiger can, I can

Very quickly, what was last week’s tournament, where was it held and who won it?

If you can answer these questions without googling or heading over the internet to check it, then you are a rabid golf fan who owes Tiger nothing to you loving the game of golf.

To many of us, the reason why we watch golf is because of Tiger. And we can’t answer those darn questions because we don’t really give a crap.

I mean seriously. Do you know how boring watching golf actually is?  A bunch of guys hitting a white ball over 7 kilometers of course to put into a little white hole. I sometimes prefer to watch people playing billiards as opposed to golf, or the asian food channel and try to decipher what the heck is the Chef at Home dude cooking. Or watch reruns of Sesame Street to see a hot Natalie Portman tell Elmo about the princess and the elephant. Ah, who’s hotter than Natalie?

Golf? We love to play it, but trust me, a lot of us don’t wanna watch someone else have all the fun. It’s like being a caddy, except you don’t get to throw cameras away. And good Lord, the commercials! And the times they show the scoreboard  over a still picture like a lake or a tree or a hole in the ground and the commentators babbling on like drugged zombies in a coma….why???

But Tiger changed everything. He fist pumped, he yelled, he cursed, he threw clubs around and most of all, he made absolutely impossible shots from all over the place, inspiring a new generation of slicers and hookers and hackers and duffers to say to themselves, when faced with the utmost adversity on the course:

“If Tiger can, I can.”

And proceed on to contribute to the multi-billion dollar industry of second hand, used and lost golf balls.

Now of course, thanks to the recent months development, the mantra of “If Tiger can, I can” carries a much different connotation than simply thwacking a white golf ball all over the place. A statement like that might prompt a drunk response from your resident beer guzzler in your group: “Can? Can do what? Bang balls?”

Ah, the disrespect that Tiger gets these days. Even the vice-president of United States pokes fun at him.

http://gawker.com/5496024/joe-biden-asked-to-leave-correspondents-dinner-after-awful-tiger-woods-joke

But now, Tiger is coming back. His interview is at

http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/news/story?id=5016125

This is an interesting insight on our hero. Still as distant as ever to interviewers…ah we love you, Tiger! “That’s a private matter, this is a private matter, everything is private matter. You ask that again and I’m gonna Tiger-pow the mic into your face”

But it does look that he’s more humbled by the experience. Here are a the top 4 parts of interest:

1. The interviewer asked what treatment was he undergoing and he says it was private? I’m like, isn’t it obvious? He just had sex with 14 women, who, like MLM, probably has had sex with 14 other guys who had 14 other women who had 14 other guys etc….so overall, he probably had sexual relations (using Kevin Bacon’s 7 degrees of separation) with 2.2 million people in the world. WOW! It’s a treatment of either sexual addiction or AIDS, mr Interviewer!

2. He says he was excited to see the guys in Augusta again and he says he misses his friends and misses competing. I think it’s a lie. I think what he means is, “I miss making these grown losers cry because I’m taking away all the majors from them, especially that wanker Ernie Els.”

3.  He says he wants fans to clap for birdies. Is it an innuendo? Does birdies=one stroke under par? Or Birdies = Natalie Portman? Which one sounds better?

4. He says he loved Elin with “everything I have.” This is so interesting, because we usually say, we love so-and-so with everything “I am”, not “have”. Could this mean the 500 million dollars he has insured on their marriage?

And also, here are the top 4 things we don’t condone:

1) Cheating on his wife. Period. I mean, it’s bad enough to cheat, but the utmost disrespect is to cheat on her with those skanks that resemble your house doormats! And Elin is hot! Probably not as hot as Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel, but Tiger didn’t go for Nat or Zooey, he went for a couple of old women and a very old looking pornstar!

2) Disappearing for a few months. OK, that sucks, because we now think he doesn’t have the b*lls to face the music. How does that inspire us? The next time we critically injure someone with our slice shot, instead of going over to apologize and offer a jug of beer, we run back to our buggy and speed off.

3) Conducting a lamea$$ apology with only his friends present. It was lame. I mean, Elin wasn’t even there. Who they heck was he apologizing to? The Nike women sitting next to his mother? What are they going to do? Slap you with the million dollars they are offering at your altar?

4) Not picking a fight with Ernie and Jesper. I mean seriously, Tiger, if you are so tough on the course on people who disrespect you, (remember the hapless Steven Ames and clueless Rory Sabatini?) , why didn’t you jet over to Ernie’s place and smash his kneecaps again with your driver, and go over to Jesper’s place and bash his face in, while yelling, “I am improving your looks, monkey-man!”

Ah Tiger, we missed you.

Welcome back.

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SSG Beringin Promo

I was informed of an ongoing promo in SSG Berigin (it’s one of our NTS category golf course).

Should be interesting to check it out…as mentioned, go to Beringin for the greens!Ad.SSGBeringin_promo

Here’s the full promotional  Ad.SSGBeringin.pg.Mar10 for download.

Happy Hacking!

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Why Malaysians Suck at Golf

After watching yet another edition of the Malaysian Open fade away, with our Malaysian golfers further away from winning one, the only bright spot this week was that our great yellow hope, Danny Chia is going to St Andrews…again. I believe this is the third British Open for Mr Chia, and all I can say is: Please make the cut.

I mean, why is Malaysia so slow in producing champions? Look at India. You’ve got folks like Jyothi, Arjun, Jeev. Thailand, you’ve got so many world class golfers with unpronouncable names. We’ve got a Malaysian Open year in, year out and yet the best we can do is tied 60th, for US5k each. US5k! That’s like Tiger Woods spending on toilet paper every day!

Observing this phenomenon and through through study (consisting of lounging around the range drinking teh tarik and commenting about people’s swings), the conclusion is we probably lack good coaches. Serious. If you are a coach reading this, I’m sure you are a good one, but you’re likely the minority.

I remember my first coach, this dude in Bandar Utama driving range. I was just picking up golf then and I paid him like for 6 lessons or something…I think about RM500 or something. He was a pretty good sales guy, telling me I have a good swing, that I’ll be wasting my talent and the world will not see a greater champion than me…basically sold me out right away that if I didn’t dedicate myself to a lifelong pursuit of golf excellence, I am committing the gravest sin of all time and I should be fried alive on a stake.

So there’s the con. I paid him RM500 for 6 lessons.

Newbies: NEVER PAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE UNTIL YOU KNOW HE’S FOR REAL!

I.e do a POC (Proof of concept). Pay him for one lesson first, see if he can properly fix you up. If he doesn’t allow that, tell him to eat bananas (the chinese way of saying it sounds so much cruder) and take your business elsewhere. Any coach that doesn’t allow a one time tryout session is probably a coach with so low confidence in himself, he’s not worth your time. And they will try this trick: “Oh, I need 5 lessons with you before you see a difference.”

No, that’s because they suck and they want your money. If a coach can’t tell what’s your problem in the first hour and how to fix it and at least show he can fix it, he’s a twit.

So back to my BU range. I paid this dude off, and first lesson he was all very attentive. He thought me a few drills and I was reasonably happy with the results. Second lesson, he teaches me about the same thing, mutters about me needing to improve. Then leaves me for half the session for me to ‘test his new technique’. What?

Can you imagine paying for a doctor who charges you for consultation by the hour and ask you to take his medicine, and then waits for an hour for it to take effect? Who pays for that hour while he’s lounging around doing crap? So this golf coach, while I was ‘testing’ my new techniques, he goes off to teach another guy. WHAT? If you are one of these coaches, maybe you should look into enhancing your communication and teaching
skills.

Hey, fatso, I blocked you for an hour. You are mine. You don’t go whore yourself to another student and charge him for that same hour. That’s service fraud.

And that wasn’t the worse.

I skipped a couple of weeks due to traveling. I arranged my third lesson with him and when I arrived, guess what? He didn’t know who I was. He was like, “Who you?” I am like, “Your student, you pimp.” “Oh yeah….ok, umm, show me your swing.”

WHAT?!!?

I show him my swing, and he lets me do the same drill as I did in day ONE!!!!!! WHAT THE H*LL!!!!!!!!

I asked him, “Don’t you have any records of my improvement?”

He smiles and says he does, but that I was rusty. Well, jolly good, because you don’t even know who the heck I was, how can you tell that I am rusty?

I asked him to refund me, he says no. I told him to at least arrange me a free round at the nine hole golf course. He says he can’t. I asked him if I may stuff my 7 iron up his bunny hole and he stares at me, annoyed.

So thus ended my unfortunate encounter with my first golf coach. Subsequently I tied up with this Australian from Tropicana range and in the first lesson (free), he gave me a detailed computer analysis of my swing. Talk about ozzie service, mate. I took up one lesson (RM100) under him, started playing some of the best golf of my life, then went back to him for another lesson and fixed a few swing flaws and then tried to have another lesson and he was gone. Went back to Australia probably. He was a great coach.

I generally don’t like to blame people for playing sucky golf, but I really wish I did stuff my 7-iron up my first coach’s bunny hole. Dang him for producing my mutated golf swing!

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The Picture that Tiger hates most

One of my favourite pastime these days is trawling the web looking for Tiger Woods news, while eating left over chinese new year cookies…or trying to finish the 232 mandarin oranges left at home.

Tiger has had so much bad press about him, you’d think people should just give him a break and move on with life. To see how the mighty has fallen, even the association for animals are ‘hentaming’ the guy! I thought this was funny…and so merciless. Talk about hitting a dead dog.

TigerPETA.jpg

However, the picture that probably pisses Tiger off the most is:

I can’t get over how a short asian dude can take Tiger down in the majors. This is such a cool picture.

In fact, through some hi-tech technology and state of the art animation and graphical processing that Dreamworks would be proud off, GilaTech managed to magically alter the picture for you to draw your own triumphant face there.

funny.jpg picture by gilagolf
As you can see, the graphics and artistic skill is obviously there.