Posted on

Things that really suck in our country

Those of you who have been following this blog since we burst into existence know that it is very rare that I write anything else besides golf. Sure, sometimes I write about my travels, about my kid, about my dog, about some random chicken I happen to run over, but 99% of the content here deals with golf. No politics. No religion. No race. No nonsensical, blardy crap National Day logos and Merdeka songs written by half witted ministers.

But this just completely makes me and 99% of our beloved country boil over, and makes you go, “This is why the world thinks the only difference between Malaysia and a bucket of shit, is the bucket.”

Noor Afizal Azizan.

Remember this name.

It may go down as the most dastardly name of all time, causing everyone with the name Afizal, Azizan or Noor to file for a name change the same way that thousands of people named Himmler and Hitler did in post world war II. I don’t need to say what this guy did.

He’s a national bowler. She’s a 13 year old. They had sex. In Ayer Keroh. Which has a pretty good golf course, but that’s besides the point. He was 18 years old.

He allegedly raped her. “Allegedly” is a legal term, meaning, I can’t say for sure, but I’m calling you a rapist anyway, but I can pull this back in case you wanna sue me for defamation. I think. So he gets sentenced.

What really takes the cake is this:

“On Aug 7, he escaped punishment when the Court of Appeal president Raus Md Sharif set aside the five-year jail term imposed on Noor Afizal and agreed with Noor Afizal’s counsel, Hisyam Teh Poh Teik, that public interest would not be served by a custodial sentence, as Noor Afizal showed great promise.”

I feel like the guy that Kevin Bacon played in A few Good Men, in his opening statement at the start of the court proceedings. It’s like I’m right there, saying:

“Hisyam Teh Poh Teik (wait, are you chinese or malay?) is going to try and work a little magic here. He’ll try a little misdirection. Astonishing stories of rituals. Dazzle you with official-sounding terms like “BrightFutureRapeOK”. He may even try to cut in into a few MCA ministers. He has no evidence,but it’ll be entertaining.But in the end, all this magic will not obscure the fact — that a 13 year old girl was allegedly raped, and Noor Afizal allegedly raped her. These are the undisputed facts.”

Can you imagine after thinking he was gonna win, the prosecutor Tom Cruise lookalike with Harvard mouth in a faggoty white uniform faces the Noor Afizal shouting, “Did you or did you not allegedly rape that girl??”

(This is a satirical enactment. This is in no way representative of the truth. As with most of this blog.)

Noor Afizal: “You’re goddamn right I allegedly DID!”

Silence.

Prosecutor Tom Cruise Look a like: “I suggest the jury be dismissed, and we move to an article A session. The witness has rights.”

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: “Wait, wait, mana kita ada juri ini?”

Tom Cruise Harvard Mouth Faggoty White Uniform: …… …….

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: I overrule Mr Tom Cruise lookalike. In fact, we will substitute Afizal’s jail sentence with  promise from him to be on good behaviour for the next five years, and he’s free to go.

Tom Cruise: What the f*…

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: Eh. Jangan haram. I totally agree with the counsel who is either chinese or malay confusing name, that it would not be in the public Best Interest if Afizal go to jail, as he has a Bright Future. As in, Malaysia citizens best interest, Malaysian tax payers best interest will not be served if we sentence an alleged rapist to Jail for allegedly raping a 13 year old girl. Everyone in Malaysia would prefer an alleged rapist to walk free since maybe he can achieve Gold for kedah in our next Sukma? He has Bright Future you know!

Nor Afizal: Ya, And you tau apa they do to alleged rapist in jail? It rhymes with “GRAPE!”.

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: It is settled then. In malaysia, if you have bright future, you can allegedly rape anybody, even 13 year old children. Pedophiles must have bright future first. Ini lah JANJI DITEPATI!

Tom Cruise Look alike: But. But. I also got bright future as lawyer. Or Civil engineer. How about bright future as garbage man? Or bright future as Mafia? Or Bright Future as rapist.

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: Kelakar Tom cruise ini. You can go eat crap with your Scientologist nonsense for all I care. Nor Afizal, you are free! Please do not allegedly rape any more children for at least 5 years ok? Selamat Jalan!

So in conclusion, as long as you have Bright Future, you can allegedly rape and commit crimes that in normal developed countries will send you straight to hell. I got Bright Future also as golfer, so Tan Sri Raus, can I avoid tax ah?

#BrightFutureRapeOK – Twitter it!

Posted on

Introducing the Tiger Killer

Phil Mickleson was right.

A long time ago when he was still relevant to the game of golf, he said this of Tiger:

“Tiger you could be a sh*t lot better than what you are now, if only you stop using those inferior equipment of yours.” Pause. “I mean your golf clubs. Not your other anatomical equipment of course.”

Or something like that. It was a long time ago. Phil was still thin.

After watching him miss a 2 footer sitter than even a hack like me can probably can it 10 out of 10 times, I’ve decided that Tiger is killed by Nike.

Here’s the Tiger Killer:

Nice, eh?

It’s actually a great disguise for what the crappiest piece of junk ever found in sport. In fact, it was voted as the worst putter in history, after this fine piece of equipment:

Actually the hot dog putter is a really good one. Especially if you feel hungry also.

As long as Tiger refuses to dump the junk equipment he’s using, he has very little chance of winning any majors again.

Thanks Nike, for mass producing the crappiest golf equipment in history and killing Tiger Woods in the process.

Posted on

Adam Scott = Greatest Choker of All Time?

I honestly cannot believe what is happening.

After Adam Scott birdied the 14th, I gave up watching and decided to watch UFC at Fox Premium Movie.

Now I turn back, and Adam Scott bogeyed 17th , messed up 18th drive and now hitting 3 into the 18th…..

And now has a 5 footer to tie.

The question here is WHY? You are leading by 4 with 4 to go? And you go and bogey 15, 16, 17 and pressure yourself on the 18th? Are you on weed, Adam Scott?

Are Australians destined to be the greatest chokers of all time? Remember ’96 Augusta, the collapse of Greg Norman after a six shot final day lead? Or Thomas Bjorn, who led by 3 with 4 to play in the 2003 British Open, and took 3 to get out of the bunker on the 16th? CHOKE. How about Jean Van De Velde? 3 stroke lead and choked at the Carnoustie.

And guess what? Adam Scott just lost the British Open.

WHAT AN ABSOLUTELY WORST CHOKER EVER, A TRUE GILAGOLFER HALL OF FAMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It seems that we jinxed him when we gave him the Gilagolf winner about an hour ago. It seems that justice has been done, that a racist will not win anything this year. I’m talking about the Racist Steve Williams, not the sotong Adam Scott.

After that, 4 bogeys in the row, and one of our Gilagolf favourites, Mr Ernie Els, WINS IT!

How powerful is the Gilagolf Jinx?


Posted on

The Open Final Round: Game of Idiots

Here’s the official one.

Adam Scott wins the 2012 British Open.

He has about six holes left, but I’ll just put it down as he has won it. In fact, they should just give it to him right now and save us the trouble. The entire bunch of PGA professionals who earn millions a year have suddenly started to hack around like some pathetic Gilagolfers.

Tiger? He did an absolutely stupid shot on the sixth where he hit into the wall of bunker en route to a triple bogey. That would have been ok, if not he just slammed in 3 bogeys as well, and all of them absolutely stupid putting. Can someone tell him to just get rid of the god awful Nike putter he is using?? He TRULY SUCK at Nike Putter! Go back to your scotty cameron!!! Anyway, he’s gone, as he bogeys 14th to fall back to -3. Six back, too much to play, another pathetic final round showing of a guy who used to own the final rounds of major. Blasted Nike equipment messing up Tiger Woods.

Snedeker? He’s been out of it since Saturday. I don’t even know why he’s playing golf.

Graeme McDowell? The way he swings reminds me of a friend of mine, who plays to a 24 handicap. They have similar swings. And Graeme is an absolutely horrendous player. His only major was due to that equally stupid Dustin Johnson messing up.

Great. As I write this, Adam Scott just birdied 14th. He has to be AN ABSOLUTE USELESS PIECE OF CRAP if he loses this Open. It’s not that I don’t like Adam Scott. I just don’t like his racist caddy, Steve Williams, who should have been shot and hung. Adam Scott doesn’t look like anyone who likes to pick a fight, so I guess he just swept it under the carpet. I can’t believe that idiot Steve Williams can get away with calling someone Black Asshole when John Terry or Luis Suarez has to get punished for the same sort of remark.

Anyway, Ernie just bogeyed. Tiger just bogeyed.

Everyone just absolutely sucked. Such a lousy final round of the Open. I’m done ranting.

Well done, Adam Scott. Don’t celebrate too much by letting your racist caddy’s big mouth run again!

Posted on

Greatest disappointments of The Open 2012

Well it’s down to 18 more holes and surprise, Tiger is up to fourth position. I thought for sure when he messed up the two par 5s on Friday, especially the second one, that he would spiral down into crap land that he has always done before. But birdie 16th and hole out birdie from sand on 18th? Classic Tiger.

Today? You have no idea, but about 13 billion people plus from the alien planet that Tiger comes from were hoping against hope that the final putt on the 18th green, a relatively easy 15 footer, left to right uphill would go in. If it did, he would be -7 and in all probability, book a final slot with Adam Scott. It’s not so much with Adam Scott, who has a personality of a wombat, but a matchup against his fiery caddy, a Steve Williams who famously called his ex-employer who gave him more than 10 million USD during their time together, a black asshole.

As it is, Mr Woods purposely missed it, and we lost a cracking shot at possibly the greatest final round ever in a major.

Anyway, aside from that, which is listed number 1 disappointment in the Open this year, here is the second largest disappointment of this year:

Moe, Larry and Curly, or more accurately, the world number 1 -3.

Moe, Larry and Curly represents the 3 clowns that are currently above Tiger Woods in the world ranking. Here’s they are:

These 3 jokers are a constant embarassment to the game. They truly suck, yet annoyingly, they are playing placeholders for world number 1 ranking. We’ve never seen such weak world number 1 -3 in the entire history of the sport, eversince they disallowed chimps to compete in the open back in 1741.

Luke Donald is officially the worst world number 1 ever. Ever. Yet again he proves he will NEVER win a major, and they should actually just tranquilise him now in every major he will play from here on. Despite yakking about his ability and his promise, the fact remains is this: He suck as a world number 1. He has no personality and he looks like Luke Skywalker…and like Luke Skywalker, who plays second fiddle to Han Solo, Luke Donald will never be able to match up to golf’s black Han Solo, who is now world number 4. He is Tied 14. 10 STROKES back.

Rory? After today’s astounding 73, he says he lost faith in his swing. He’s probably swinging better with his tennis girlfriend. Everyone’s saying his 19th holes are costing him his game, and they might be right. Too many nights with that girl, Carol Wozniakiskoncheskykanchelkiskovicaabdulmaniamchong. Whatever her name is. Rory is gone. He’s gone the way of Sergio. He’s tied 54. 15 strokes away. He will play well tomorrow. He always plays well when there’s no pressure.

Lee Westwood? Less said about fatty the better. He is also tied 54, 15 strokes away.

The reason why I am so pissed is this: Golf needs winners and champions. You put these 3 yiddling europeans up there, and you get a sterile piece of crap heaped on top of this game. They are astoundingly wicked and cruel to the game of golf, simply because they not only suck, but they have absolutely no drive or personality. Remember when we had the big 4? Tiger, Phil, Ernie and Vijay. Remember when Vijay would smack down Tiger, Tiger would smack Phil and Ernie would be like Federer, always being neutral, but internally hates Tiger because he gets all the porn stars? Albeit old porn stars that look like prunes? Remember?

Golf needs what tennis has. A top 3 that can win majors. A top 3 that’s always up there, whacking and smacking each other in the head. A top 3 that can contend. That’s why we love Tennis now, because Fed, Rafa and Djokovic can really belt in, and their personalities are so interesting, and so conflicting against each other.

Damn, I miss Vijay and his smack talk. VEEJ, get back to form, man!!

Posted on

The Tale of Two Champions

Tiger Woods and Roger Federer

Once upon a time, two fellow sports giant ruled their sport. One with clubs and the other with racquets. They conquered their foes one by one enroute to winning majors after majors, each setting their own records in their respective sport, each dazzling their opponents and became known as the Destroyers of Hope. They literally destroyed hope in their fellow competitors.

Then, a strange thing happened.

One of the giants fell, pounded in the face by his wife, revealed to be not a god, but a true devil, sleeping with 2000 women and found in bed with another woman as his real wife was giving birth. The other giant sort of fell, due to injury and the birth of his twin daughters to a not so hot wife. In any case, both were replaced as the alpha male in their sport. The first replaced by a trio of European misfits, one sporting pubic hair on his head; the other giant replaced by a Spanish neanderthal and a Serbian communist.

This year, the year of the Dragon, these giants will rise. The first one, usually decked in red is still coming to terms with his newfound powers, and beset with inconsistency still by winning one week and missing the cut in the other, but surely rising to the top to reclaim his spot from the bunch of hopeless pretenders. The other giant, has now summit to number 1 again, and for all his sissy crying after winning Wimbledon, remains the GOAT of Tennis…the GREATEST OF ALL TIME.

Here are the side by side stats. Who is the GREATER?

Posted on

Tiger Show

Tiger Woods

When the world caved in and gave up on the only good, black golfer out there, Gilagolf stuck to him. When sunny weather fans like the god awful Accenture threw him on the wayside, and Tag Heuer crapped him, and Gillette and Gatorade shunned him like a leper and ironically AT&T threw him under the bus…Gilagolf stuck by him. Too bad the Gilagolf brand is worth slightly more than a discarded banana peel, but hey, at least we’re loyal, right.

Every post written has been how Tiger is going to come back and make these fair weather friends regret the day they rejected him. How he’s going to take back the number one spot from musical chairs clowns like Lee “Fatty” Westwood, Luke “Help me I can’t win a major” Donald, Rory “Help me I can’t make a cut” McIlroy and Martin “Help me I can’t hit a blardy Draw” Kaymer. I mean, it’s ridiculous. How can anyone in their right mind every write off a guy who has won more than anyone in this world?

Or even better here’s the statistics for the idiots who dropped Tiger:

Current Top 9 players in the world (minus Tiger) TOTAL WINS – 97

Tiger Woods Total Wins – 101

Tiger Woods have amassed more victories as a single person than Luke, Rory, Lee, Matt Kuchar, Webb Simpson, Bubba, Jason Dufner, Justin Rose and Hunter Mahan COMBINED. Are we on crazy pills?

Winning AT&T is just another step to getting back number 1 and stopping all these sorry excuse of golfers from playing pretend. Next up, winning back a major and getting back as the alpha dog.

This time, hopefully he stays away from the pornstars, and convert properly from Bootyism to Budhism.

Posted on

Gilagolf has turned Giladad

Gilagolf post is becoming fewer and far between, as golf activity has trickled to almost non-existent of late. On the 17th of June, I welcomed my first born into the world. And so began my string of sleepless night and going into morning meetings looking like I just got hit by a truck. Full of dung.

The first question that comes to mind is: How the heck can something so small cry so much? The second is: How the heck can something so small have so much shit? I mean, we’re talking about godzilla proportions here. He just drinks and drinks and craps and craps.

Anyway, just to let the Gilagolfers know that I’ll still be updating this occasionally, especially during the major tournaments, (how about Tiger choking like a dog?) and Tiger Woods and if I play again.

Otherwise, head over to http://giladad.com, it’s a sister blog dedicated to my rookie learnings of being a dad. It’s very much like golf, where I have absolutely no control usually, but when you get it, you get it.

Happy Hackin!

Posted on

You gotta love Sergio

I am really beginning to like Sergio Garcia.

When he started out, he was this cocky punk that thought the world owed him everything and that he would just go out and get it. He was a punk. And not a very nice punk. I remember wishing that he would mess up his putt to win the British Open at Carnoustie in 2007 – or was it 2008? The one that Padraig won. And he missed it badly and ended up losing out to Padraig.

But you know, over the years he has mellowed and now I am beginning to be his fan, because he is SUCH. A. HACKER.

I recall reading his classic interview after this year’s Augusta:

‘I’m not good enough, I don’t have the thing I need to have,’ said Garcia, in an extraordinary post-round interview with the Spanish press.

When the stunned group asked whether he meant winning the Masters, he replied: ‘Any major. In 13 years I have come to the conclusion that I need to play for second or third place.’

In the complex psychological world of top-class professional golf, did he mean if he stopped thinking about winning, it might actually happen?

Two eyewitnesses didn’t get that impression.

At one point, Garcia implored them: ‘Tell me something I can do. I had my chances and opportunities and I wasted them. I have no more options. I wasted my options.’

Classic. I love this guy now.

It’s like how Bubba just went on rambling after the first round at the Olympic:

Q. Is it a good golf course for the championship?

BUBBA WATSON: Yeah, just not good for me. It’s a lot better than I am. That golf course is too tough for me. But we got another day to try to fit and but there’s you’re always going to have guys that shoot low. Tiger Woods is always going to shoot low. Other guys will play good and Tiger going to play good.

This is a dude that won at Augusta. “Too tough for me”?

Is this what the new generation golfers are? Bunch of pansies that get beaten up by “a course”? WTF? Have you ever heard Tiger say anything like that? He’d rather eat dog shit than to admit the course is better than him. He wrote and told it to me himself when I emailed him a while ago:

Q. Tiger, with your swing resembling Jim Furyk on epilepsy, do you think you can now say, you can’t really play any course on the PGA tour now?

Tiger: I’d rather eat dog shit.

OK, leaving you with our favourite hacker son, El Matador, Sergio Garcia, and his hammer of justice on the microphone (what did the mic do???!)

Posted on

Taylor Made Experience

Last week, while hacking at Bangi, I managed to do something to the R11 driver that I have never done on any driver before.

I cracked it. They just don’t build the new drivers like the old school ones.

Here’s a way to do it: The TM R11 driver has a bit of defect, where if you toe the drive at a certain area, it WILL crack. This is due to the toe end of the driver being hollow and have no enforcements to hold it up at all. Of course you could say, don’t toe it then. Hey, we’re hackers. Every try to crank up your swing on a par 5 and whack it as hard as possible by overswinging and throwing your entire body into the ball till your hip is almost removed from its socket? Never tried it? Do it, and you will toe it, crack your driver and drive about 80 meters with a duck hook. It’s fun.

A quick google on “R11 Driver crack” and you’ll find hundreds of people having similar issues (crack driver, not removing hip from socket) . Unlike my buddies in US, where they crack a driver they just go and buy another, in Malaysia, because we have already mortgage our home to buy our super expensive and marked up golf equipments, our recourse is either insurance or complain to the manufacturer.

Malaysians being malaysians, we always try the second one.

My experience with Taylor Made was very positive. The guy I wrote to was Leonard Au (Leonard.Au@tmag.com) and not only was he very helpful and responded quickly, he facilitated to get a R11S driver for an additional RM400. Seems like there’s hope for Malaysian Service industry! Kudos Leonard!