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Hacker Kevin Na – Duodecuple Bogey

Just when you think a PGA trainwreck can’t be as bad as Rory’s, you are wrong.

Kevin Na, a Top 50 player in the world, shoots a 16 on a par 4 for the currently running Valero Texas Open. Read it: That’s a +12, or what we golfers will call it:

A DUODECUPLE BOGEY.

We’re not talking about a basic hacker here, this is Kevin Na, who, by the way, is not very well liked fellow: Check out http://www.ushandicap.com/golf-forums/forumtopic.asp?id=10953450&page=1

Anyways, here’s to the mother of all HACKERS Na, whom we can now say we play our par 4s a lot better than him! (and he still manage to shoot 80!). The whole sequence is just painful, just like our weekly golf. Check out the caddy’s face, which says, “You idiot, there goes my paycheck!”

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All hail our Hacker Patron Saint: Rory McIlroy

Rory McIlroy

Before this Masters, I was never a huge fan of Rory. Maybe because he’s Europe’s answer to our all time favourite chinaman pai-kia Anthony Kim. Maybe because he’s young, darn rich, and can pound the ball miles and miles. Maybe he doesn’t need to go and work and always seem to have so much fun on the course while we whiter and die in our offices. Or maybe because he has permed hair. I don’t know.

Rory McIlroy

But in the course of 3 holes in the back nine, the Gilagolf prediction engine was eerily and devastatingly accurate, that he would “crack under the enormous pressure and his drives will be as curly as his hair in the back nine. ” I’d like to add this prediction is way better than all the so-called experts at BBC, NBC, Golf Channel because they are all full of crap.

I can’t help but think it was a hex, because that tee off on 10 was horrendous. And Amen corner saw the funeral procession of this gifted young gun: +6 over 3 holes. +6. A 4 putt on 12. 4 putts. Wow. I don’t remember the last time I 4 putted. Actually I do, it was in Perangsang, which, compared to Augusta is like Augusta being eaten by a giant then taken a huge dump, and eating that dump and taking another huge dump again.

Anyways, in some parts, watching his body language, it struck me: He looked so familiar to us. He’s just like our fourball partners, when we duff a shot, or cant get our tee past the ladies, or completely top a pitch or blow a putt past the hole off the green. Those poses are strikingly similar to us HACKERS. Even when Tiger shanks his ball, he blows off steam but he never bends down and cover his whole face like Rory when he duck hook on the 13th into water, or walk with a hunch, with his shirt untucked, his cap pulled down. He never would miss a 1 foot putt on a par 5 then looks around like he wished the course would swallow him whole. He would never shrug at his caddie like he was going to cry as Rory did after three putting on the par 5 15th.

But Rory, he wears his emotions on his sleeve, and from hole 10 – 13 in Augusta, on 10 April 2011, he became a hacker once more.

And from hole 10 -13 in Augusta, Rory turned into Gilagolf’s poster child, and favourite golfer (other than David Duval), because of the fact that, despite earning more than all the hackers in Malaysia’s combined salaries, he is still, at heart, a HACKER. And he relates to us, and we relate to him. We know his pain, and now he knows ours. He has been vilified by the press as a choker; he has now been elevated by us as our patron saint. He is a trillion times better than us; yet, he has descended into hackerdom for 4 holes in the greatest golf tournament of his life; and like us, felt the sting and abysmal cruelty of this volatile lover called Golf. We now have kinship, because as the great writer Victor Hugo says:

“Great perils have this beauty, that they bring to light the fraternity of strangers.”

Here’s our support, and praying that our new found hero will win the Malaysian Open this week.

Welcome to Kuala Lumpur, Saint Rory.

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Charl Schulz wins the Augusta Masters 2011

Charl Schwartzel

This Masters had it all.

1) We had a Lucy and Linus’s brother, Bo Van Pelt playing with two eagles yet cannot win.

Their creator, Charl Schulz instead took the honors.

2) We had Rory imploding with +7 in the back nine. So sad, yet, it’s a bit of schadenfreude isn’t it, hackers? BTW, Christina Kim seems to really feel for Rory in her tweets, so maybe we should all feel for him and stop making fun of his curly hair, because we all know most Gilagolf readers have a SERIOUS CRUSH on the big gal. Seriously. You guys voted in our previous Hot or Not poll. Christina Kim came first out of 268 voters, ahead of Michelle Wie and Natalie Gublis. Officially Malaysian Golfers have secret crushes on Big Women because we instinctively relate them with FOOD. Take that, stereotype beauties.

3) We had Tiger missing 3 putts within 3 feet like a 24 handicapper hacker. But Tiger finished 4th, and hilariously, here’s what Ian Poulter tweeted after his round:

“Shame I’m not watching the masters about ti fly home to Orlando, it sounds interesting.”

Or, to interpret: “I’m not watching because I know Tiger is going to piledriver his 7 down my throat and ask me to suck it for saying he is a crap golfer. Oh, I wish I didn’t tweet so much like a girl. And I wish I can play better golf instead of wearing tablecloths for my pants.”

4) We have, for the first time, 3 aussies in the top 4 of the leaderboard (yet, still cannot win). We have Jason Day putting like he’s Tiger on the back nine, yet cannot win. The Ghost of Greg “Sharkfin Soup” Norman rises to haunt the Aussies.

5) We had Adam Scott who decided last minute on the 17th and 18th he would look not so handsome in the green jacket and played like a misfit. We also had Luke Justin Timberlake Donald popping in a chip and going a fist pump like he won it all, when actually he is so far back it makes no difference. Compare him to Tiger’s “I rather go eat because -10 sucks.” Aiyo, relaks lah.

6) And we have a guy whose surname we can’t even remember win the green jacket. I guess Charl Sauerbraten deserves to win.

Once again, GPE’s pick of Tiger, Angel and KJ craps out again. On to the next major then….

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Gilanalysis 13: Bangi 1 and 2

Handicap:20

Gross: 94

Net: 74

Verdict: It really was better than it looks…

What Happened

After the nightmare at Templer, it’s always a great welcome to play at Bangi 1 + 2 (Kajang and Putrajaya). It’s like coming home, because Bangi is really one of the all time favourite course. Yet, I started playing like a twit with 2 triple bogeys. It wasn’t that bad, a snap hook at the first and I was behind the green in 3. However, a stupid duffed chip, 5 on and a 2 putt started me off. 2nd was a great 9 iron in but caught the lip of the bunker and rolled to a very bad spot. Took two to get out and three putted!

Hit a great drive on 3, leaving 150 to the par 5, and a six iron on the green. And again, my first putt blasted past and my birdie turned away, 3 putt again! Aiyo. 5th and 6th could have been pars, a skulled 60 degree 3rd shot messed the 5th, and my 2nd on the 6th was literally one metre away from the green and rolling near the hole. Instead it hung up on the bunker face. 7th is always a do or die for me. I OBed my driver being extremely aggressive.

My worst hole was the 9th. I hit the best drive ever. Ever. I was 140m downhill on a Par 5 looking at an eagle. Guess what. 8-iron SHANK. As in I shanked the heck out of it and nearly murdered my friend, OB. AUGHH. Fourth to the front, bad chip two putt. My front nine could have been 3-4 shots better, but there you have it.

Back nine was a blitz until messing up my 8-iron AGAIN on the 14th and a pull on the 15th. Sandy par on 16th was my final highlight. The last two holes were all survival mode after pull hooks with my driver. Bogey free back nine. Good eh?

Why I Sucked

Anyone interested in a loose 8-iron? As in, what do I do with my 8? Shanked it at my eagle approach. Duffed it on 14th to mess my 4-par momentum. My 60 degree wasn’t very kind as well, and putting struggled all the way. I never could get used to Bangi greens. I like it but somehow I always get messed up by the speed. Driver began hooking at the end, but no, I liked my driver this round.

Not So Sucked

Driver finally worked. Except for the 1st, 7th and 18th pull hooks, the rest were dead on. Alignments gave me issues on 15th and 18th but overall, especially on the front nine 3 par 5s, smoked it straight and long. Finally, good boy, Mr Driver.

What to Work On

Missed opportunities due to some absolutely ridiculously lousy iron play. More positives than negatives though, as soon as I sell my 8-iron, I think I can probably go pro.

By the way, as I write this, I just watched Tiger miss a 3 foot for eagle. He has literally dropped 3 shots in the back nine. So kan-cheong one la.

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Augusta 2011 Gilagolf Prediction Engine (GPE)

Well, after a prolonged break, the now famous, and absolutely undependable Gilagolf Prediction Engine (GPE) for Masters is kicking in again. We are so far Sergio-Garcia-Majors-Win in our prediction, i.e BIG FAT ZERO. I think this year, we’re going to break that. OK, roll call:

Rory McIlroy

Rory McIlroy

This kid is playing without fear. He has no memory of failure, so he’s actually killing Augusta with his drives and his fearless, in your face, I’ll-take-on-anybody-including-your-mother attitude. Will he prevail his four shot lead? Everything says he will, because unlike the mother of all chokers Mr Greg Norman, he has no failure record in Augusta, so he’s playing without actually understanding how important it is. But GPE predicts him to crack under the enormous pressure and his drives will be as curly as his hair in the back nine. Mainly, because we’re jealous of him, being so young and able to play in Augusta while we will be working our butts off tomorrow morning. And also, nobody has won Augusta with a permed hair before.

Jason Day

Jason Day

Really like this kid. He looks a little Asian so obviously that’s a big plus..in fact he looks like one of my pai-kia friends in Sultan Abdul Samad school. GPE doesn’t seem inclined to Aussies though, because of the amount of time they have proven that they have choked in Augusta (starting from the guy that gave away SIX strokes in 1996, who from thereon had his nickname changed from the Shark to the Sharkfin Soup), so sorry, Jason “This Ain’t Your” Day.

Charl Schwartzel

Charl Schwartzel

Umm, no. How many times have we said, anybody with an unpronounceable name, or a name that comes up in spelling bee contests will not win. Sorry, Charl Schwimmer.

K.J Choi

K.J. Choi

GPE is tuned immediately to Asians, because it is by far, the most racialist prediction engine ever. EVER. Anytime we see KJ Choi, it beeps up. He’s like a cuddly teddy bear who will tombstone you if you don’t do what he says. Who can resist that face when he hooked his shot on the 14th, as he stared down at his ball as if he we was going to mash it up into smithereens with his weight lifting hands? Ah KJ, we predict you again (as we did in previous years) TO WIN THE AUGUSTA!! Please, get your act together and win it to save us yet another embarrassing prediction.

Angel Cabrera

Angel Cabrera

If KJ somehow manages to disappoint us yet again, our dark horse selection is Mr Angel “Don Corleone” Cabrera. He looks and play like a Cuban druglord. This is the man. He whacks the ball without a care in the world, and if you start talking technical to him, I bet he’s just going to take his 7-iron and grind you into a pulp. I’d like to see him do that to the annoying and completely BS golf fix guy, Michael Breed.

Luuuuke Donald

Luke Donald

We generally don’t think anybody resembling Justin Timberlake looks good in the green jacket. Nope, he’ll sabotage himself because he doesn’t want to lose his legions of female fans by looking like a nerd in a jacket. A real ugly one at that.

Adam Scott

Adam Scott

See above reference to Luke and Jason.

Bo Van Pelt

Bo Van Pelt

Seriously? Bo Van Pelt? He’s the lost brother of Lucy and Linus Van Pelt from Peanuts. Bo Van Pelt? Come on. Same reason as Charl Sauerkraut.

A bunch of guys are seven off the lead and considered as out of the running, including the MEGA DISAPPOINTING Tiger Woods. He was annoyingly bad in Round 3, putting like a pregnant penguin. We still believe in Tiger, and he has an outside chance to get this. Aside from KJ, Angel, we’ll have Tiger moving up the leaderboard but falling short, probably top 5, so he can have that blabber mouth Ian Poulter eating Tiger Crap for years for saying Tiger sucks so much. The rest at -5 are going to be sideshows.

Go KJ, do it for little Asian men who has disproportionately huge muscles!

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Why Is Martin Kaymer No. 1?

As Augusta weekend begins, one of the most asked question in the golf community is:

Why does Martin Kaymer sucks so much?

Seriously, we don’t really like to bash up folks when they are already down on the ground, and drinking their sorrows away with 20 pints of Jack Daniels; but Martin, how can you call yourself No.1 in the world, and play like us? Like, really suck?

I can’t help it. Augusta weekend is here, and three of the four major champions are gone. Martin, Louis whateverhisnameis and Graeme McDowell are all gone. And not just missed by a shot, but by 50 miles: Louis is +4, Graeme McDowell is +3, and here’s the world no 1 player: +6!! Yikes. You’ve got a dude called “Lion Kim” (the result of a government experiment to mix Tiger Woods and Anthony Kim into one package) ahead of you, World No 1, how do you explain that?

Sure, we got a lot to look forward to, especially with the ultra cocky Rory McIlroy and the Philipino looking guy Jason Day, but we got two of our all time favourites (unfortunately, not David Duval), Tiger and KJ paired up for the weekend. I bet two pieces of bricks will have more conversation than these two friendly fellas. But how can a world no 1 talk like this:

“I think that I don’t really know how to play the golf course. I can think about it for another hour or two hours and I just don’t really find a solution. Maybe I’ve got to sit down with Bernhard Langer later and ask him. He won here twice.”

Umm, yeah, he won here when Alexander Bell was inventing the telephone. Come on, dude, you’re no.1. Why are you asking advice from a 106 year old dude?

“Every day that I’ve played here has been a tough day so far. It’s disappointing because there are just some golf courses that suit you and some that just don’t. It’s just a shame that, obviously this is such a huge tournament here, and if it doesn’t suit your eye and you know it . . . it’s a little frustrating.”

Umm, why don’t you just say, you suck? Instead of blaming ‘some’ golf course like Augusta not fitting your eye? Whats wrong with your eye? Now, Tiger would shank and do all sorts of stupid shots with his clubs, but his response was:

“I’m close. I’m getting better, I’m almost there. You mean that shank? Jeez, you fool, I did that on purpose, so that I can show off my recovery skill. Stop asking me such stupid questions, you know how terrifically big my muscles are? Say, you’re quite a pretty interviewer..natural blonde? Doing anything later?”

That is the confidence we need to hear from a world No.1. Someone who will just Tiger-pow the interviewer if there’s a slightest hint of exposing his weaknesses.

People said Martin Kaymer can’t hit a draw. I’m like, dude. World No 1 can’t hit a draw? It’s like saying Chinaman contractor don’t like pork. It’s unheard of. How can you NOT BE ABLE TO HIT A DRAW??!?!

Impossible as it may be, here’s the proof on Why Martin Kaymer Sucks:

Notice how after Martin hits the ‘draw’, that golf fix guy started babbling like an idiot, and Martin just looked like he swallowed a durian. With the shell. And immediately after that ‘draw’ Golf Channel immediately whacks out a reminder that this guys is the PGA Champion!! He’s a major champion!! He’s not some kind of hack they found in Rahman Putra! This is to convince the viewers that he intended to hit two shots that resemble the famous banana slice and the duck hook of Hackers. And of course, the golf channel guy was BS-ing all the way, until he had to say, “This BS sounds good to you? OK, let’s get out of here, before they see you play like an idiot again. Thanks for making me lose my job, world no 1!!”

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Gilanalysis 12: Templer Park

Handicap:20

Gross: 100

Net: 80

Verdict: As the Paula Abdul song goes: 2 steps forward and 2 steps back

What Happened

I really feel like saying, with all my heart, with every ounce of pain and anguish that my good friend Michael Corleone had expressed when he said the same lines: “Just when I think I’m out…they pull me back IN!!!”

Out means, out of the woods. Out of the crappy drives that spins unreasonably to the right into OBlivion. Out of the lousy golf that constantly haunts me whenever, especially when I play on this particular golf course.

They means, heck I don’t know, the golfing gods, the lousy driver, the horrendous caddies in Templer Park, the mystifying reason why I chunk all my wedges or the greens were all the size of Brazil.

After all the pluses from Gunung Raya, my game went south today, but it didn’t start too bad. In fact, I parred my first hole! The second could actually be a par, but I topped badly my first tee shot into OB (yes, a par 3), but my third landed sweetly and I just missed by bogey save by a hair. In fact the next two holes were excellent, except I brain farted on my chips and wedges. I was actually putting unconscious, bombing the 10 footers, one putting 4/5 holes.

I don’t know where it started to slide, but I was feeling pretty good on the front nine, despite my scores looking extremely sorry….most of it were due to aggressive approaches due to the fact we had our RM3 bet going per hole, which is a huge huge capital to outlay.

Back nine was when I killed myself. Or rather the caddy. Hole 10, was a normal shot, into the rough. She looks all around and couldn’t find it. I looked all around and couldn’t find it. Dropped ball, triple on a relatively easy hole. Hole 11, snapped hooked 3 balls into OBlivion, but luckily I found my first ball! Double. The rest: Survival mode. I don’t remember much as I hardly saw the sunlight, playing from tree to tree. I ABSOLUTELY DESTEST the par 5 hole 15. Whoever created it is a sadist. Jungle jungle framing every inch of this hole, that drops down into a blind green. The last hole was fun. I tried to thwack it across the pond, only to have it veer to the right towards the longest carry. It nearly carried, just hit the rocky embankment and trickled back in.

Why I Sucked

I am this close to throwing away my driver with the new shaft recommended by the shady salesman in MST golf. Also, my wedges was absolutely horrid. And also: Caddies. I generally have little patience for them, but Templer Park Caddies is right up there with all the WORST CADDIES IN MALAYSIA: Air Keroh and Impiana following right behind. I know, caddies are not to be blamed for crocked swings, but here goes the warning: I don’t mind them being uneducated, but here were the issues we had with them:

1) Both caddies regularly left us attending ourselves on the green, seeking shelter in the shade while we putted. We had to take up the flag, place it back etc. One of my pals flipped after the 4th hole and really grilled both of them until they were probably crying. I say probably, since we couldn’t see their eyes, as they were wrapped up like Laurence of Arabia.But come on, caddies, do your job, instead of staying out of the sun!

2) Couldn’t find balls. My friend lost a ball just off the rough. I lost my ball on the 10th. Another friend also lost a ball that could have been found. They had such horrendous attitude. I watched my ball sail close – about 5 feet or so – to the caddy from the other buggy in the rough. She just walked away, and as we approached and didn’t see the ball, she just called from the green saying, “Saya Ingat Plug. (I think it’s plugged)”. I told her in less than complementary terms to get her elongated butt down to the rough and tell us where in blazes was it ‘plugged’, and we had to search for it.

3) Terrible distance. NEVER LISTEN TO the caddies in Templer. Never. Not even if they warn you that there is a meteor shower heading your way, or that a hurricane is coming, or Godzilla had risen from the pond in hole 18. Pack of lies. Also, they never read the green. You know why? Because they are always looking to be in the shade, those lazy Laurences of Arabia!

Not So Sucked

Putter was smokin! Also, despite the really crappy caddy service, kudos to the course master, this lady who looks like she’s going to chew you for lunch and spit on your bones. She’s those tall, loud and bossy lady like my school discipline teacher. In fact she looks exactly like Coach Beiste in Glee!

Yike.

We didn’t book, so we were bumped to the 9:10 am flight (having arrived in templer at 7!). BTW, Templer Park golf works in Cambodian time, one hour behind. So they only have a counter lady there at 8-ish, so no need to go so early next time lor. Anyway, this dragon course master took pity on us and by 8:30 am, sandwiched us between two booked flights, with a stern “You better play fast!” and I was like, it pays to have some pathetic puppy dog face to remind dragon ladies of their sons. Aww. She’s a nice lady at heart, bless her.

What to Work On

Driver. What else? When your ball is spinning 90 degrees to the right, there’s something seriously baboonish about the swing.

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Who’s Better: Natalie Portman vs Zooey Deschanel

In one of these bleary eyed Fridays, we were having a round table discussion over lunch on a subject of the utmost importance: If you were to have a free round of 18 holes (not more, please) with a famous actress who would it be? I kinda narrowed it down to two of my favourite, so either of these two, who would it be?


Nat

Zooey

Of course, this is limited to purely playing GOLF. The wiser people would ask: “Why the he*l are we playing golf if we have 4 hours to spend with these two??” or “Why not dinner?” or why not… some other not so PG-13 activities?

Again. None of us will ever have any chance in heaven or heck to ever have 4 hours with these two or any other actresses named over lunch…so this is purely a hypothetical question. It ain’t happening. Face it. I just thought it’d be funny to see who we’d rather golf with if given a chance.

Some of the actresses named over lunch might be hot, but seriously, would you want to spend the next 4 hours hacking a golf course with them? Would they be as crazy as you, or laugh at your ultra stupid golf remarks? Or would their fake nose and botox wear off and after the game, they would resemble Smeagol?? Tough questions indeed.

By the way, finally, these two are finally teaming up for the upcoming comedy-fantasy movie, “Your Highness”. It looks to be absolutely hilarious!! Check it:

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Gilanalysis 11: Gunung Raya, Langkawi

Day 1

Handicap:20

Gross: 87

Net: 67

Verdict: This is how this darn game should be played!

Day 2

Handicap:20

Gross: 92

Net: 72

Verdict: What a difference a day makes…twenty four little hours brought the crap again…

What Happened

I have never played on one course for two consecutive days before, but in Langkawi, you don’t really have much choices. Gunung raya starts off at RM140 (weekdays and weekends), throws you into a buggy and off you go on a course resembling Nilai Springs or Seremban 3. The fairway is awful: bare, more sand than grass; the greens in a mediocre condition; but the course is open, free of people and after that horrendous experience in Seri Selangor, to have a course that allows you to play golf under 3 hours is an amazing change.

Also, the other golf courses are Langkawi golf, which is closed indefinitely, so it’s currently being overruned by man eating baboons.

The other is Datai, which the last time we played was about 300++ per person. Now, it has ballooned up to RM510 per person. We need to change our gilagolf ranking for this course…is Datai worth that much? Hmm. Let me see….NO ABSOLUTELY FREAKING WAY. It’s a reasonably nice course, but dude, RM510? What the blue crap are they trying to pull? Thanks, Datai for discriminating against 99% of the population of Malaysia. Say NO TO DATAI!

So, back to Gunung Raya. The first day, was probably the best golf I have played in AGES. Eons. The first 7 holes were bogey all the way, but the manner of the bogeys were satisfying: saving those 5 footers on several occasions, except for hole 5 where I managed to 3 putt. I birdied the eight with a putt off the green but proceeded to brain fart with a 3 putt on the tough index 1 9th. Looking back, I could have scored 41 or something, but then again, I could also have missed those critical five footers to save bogey.

Back nine, more or less the same, except I messed up the par 3 17 by hitting the bunker, but overall, the drive was great, the putter was great, the irons were so-so. But Gunung Raya allows a lot of mistakes, especially to slicers on the first nine, on a few occasions I was borrowing fairways and still managed to put in on, or near the green.

Day 2: Ah…how we would go with so much optimism only to see it fade as we revert back to our epileptic crap golf.  Day 2 was more reflective of my up and down golf, with big scores and more pars. The day started like a mirror copy, but unravelled with hole 2 drive into the drink, hole 3 drive into the drink, hole 4 par 3 into hazard (??!). From there, I managed to recover a little, and actually played well from hole 5 to hole 13, a string on nine holes brain-fart-free. Hole 14, I was 150 away with a six iron in hand and completely SHANKED it to oblivion. I managed to four on two putt for a six. Hole 17 again, hit into the sand and couldn’t escape, this is by far my worst hole on this course. I hate Hole 17.

Why I Sucked

Day 1 was great. Except for a couple of times my irons failed. Day 2, drive was pulling, and had some unlucky bounces here and there…but for sakes, my irons were absolutely shiitake. I kept digging the darn ground and in Gunung Raya, it was black dirt. So, cangkul it and your clubs will pop right back up and you will shank, top, thin, duff etc. Maybe my swing too steep? Some occasions I had my 60 degree for second shot and still managed to sabotage myself by putting it in the sand, fatting it, thinning it…man, it sucked.

Not So Sucked

Driver on day 1 was great, I was like a pro. Well, almost lah. But you know when we get arrogant and start twirling the stupid driver like Tiger, with one leg lifted. If it wasn’t on the fairway, it was just a little off the rough, and recoverable. Day 2: it all went south. My theory is that I wore RED on day 2, and put too much pressure to be like that black guy with the twirly driver. My putting was also quite OK, but gunung raya greens weren’t exactly very fast, or tricky and and greenside grass was so short I could put 5-10 meters away on some occasion.

What to Work On

Easy. Irons again. In no other game have I more chances than the last two, although day 2 scores didn’t reflect it. But constant duffing, thinning and one occasion, the dreaded shanking sabotaged back my game into mediocrity. I hate irons. I’m going to start putting from 150 metres in from here on.

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Rain + Seri Selangor = Absolutely Astoundingly Crap

It’s rare that we do a re-review of a course, but after today’s frustrations at Seri Selangor, here’s the affirmation: Put Seri Selangor in the AAC category if there’s a heavy downpour. Some courses handle downpours magnificently, note Tiara Melaka and to some extent, grudgingly, Rahman Putra. Some handle it not so well but are improving, notably Kinrara and all the work they have been doing in the drainage, and also Perangsang.

Seri Selangor? With a maintenance budget as tight as leotards on Queen Latifah, don’t expect too much to be done. Today, heavy downpour in the morning literally turned the 18th hole par 5 into a river. The embankment overflowed and all the rubbish flowed down into the fairway. We teed off about 1 and a half hour late for our 20 flight tournament, and entered into a course that was neither playable nor fit for anyone except for people who enjoy being perpetually constipated.

I.e Seri Selangor emphatically, most comprehensively SUCK.

And this isn’t because I had a bad game, instead with a shot gun start on the par 5 5th, I played 3 Doubles, 2 Pars and 7 Bogeys before approaching the Par 4 17th. I yanked my tee shot OB after waiting for 15 minutes on the tee, and my second shot was good, smack on the fairway. Maybe a 4 on 2 putt to save double? Fat chance. The whole time our shots have been plugged, but never more than on this hole, when my drive could not be found on the fairway despite 4 flers looking for it, and a caddie to boot. So, took an 8. The fairways were in a sorry condition. Completely atrocious drainage. The bunkers were ALL swimming pools. ALL. It’s absolutely incredible how lousy Seri Selangor maintenance is. With the saving grace being the greens, the rest of the course was so terrible that after 13 holes, i called it quits and headed back…partly also due to the long wait times due to a bunch of lady golfers who think the tournament is Augusta masters and spending 10 minutes each to read the darn greens. Aiyo Auntie, just putt la…no difference la how long you read…our skill level generally means we suck anyway.

Seri Selangor, being a combat course and a ‘homeless’ golfer course, will always have an excuse to be lousy in its drainage maintenance, and will always be able to justify…but I think as golfers who pay money to play on course, some standards need to be met. If Perangsang and Kinrara can improve, why not Seri Selangor. Stop the excuses and start improving, before we cangkul your fairways into smithereens.

Anyway to conclude this rant, 3 Most Annoying things in the world:

1. When you hit a good drive, and the stupid course punishes you for it just because they do not have the basic ability or budget to have good drainage.

2. Aunties who thinks and putts like they are in Augusta Masters, and takes a few years to finish 18 holes.

3. Racist History Channel doing shows about Malaysia, and have subtitles when interviewing Malaysians speaking perfectly comprehensible English, yet, in the next show, when interviewing people from Africa and worse, Ireland, as they speak in a gibberish slang that sounds like Middle Earth Ancient Elven Tongue, they refuse to put any subtitles, because these are ‘Western’ Civilisation.

I don’t know how 3) got there, but it’s one of those things that really annoys me. I can really relate to how this guy feels:

Enjoy!