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We hate Love.

The year was 2004.

Davis Love the III, one of the most promising golfer of his generation was once again set to be castrated. Had he been born in another era, perhaps his wins would have been more than 20, with only 1 major to show for. The fact is, if it hadn’t been for Tiger busting every single tournament in the late 90s, he might have gone on to win more majors. He would be like Phil Mickleson, or Ernie Els. Instead, because of Tiger, he is relegated to a has been. He was never as popular as Phil, with his constantly anal face and perpetual frown. He was never as good as Tiger. He never had a swing like Ernie. And he wasn’t cool like David Duval. Instead, he was Davis Love the 3rd, the only guy on tour with a number to end his name.

He has never won a WGC event. In 2004, it was his first final and he came up with the guy he hated most, Tiger Woods. He didn’t know why, but he just couldn’t stand the fact that so many people followed Tiger around. Or that he turned golf into a rockstar event. Or that he has brought popularity of golf to the ghettos, and now his uppity country club is filled with dot-com billionaires who don’t know a shit about golf etiquette. No, Davis Love was pure, traditional, golf…only for white guys, and no ladies, that’s what golf is supposed to be.

So started that Davis Love III was going to kick Tiger butt back to school and teach him where his proper place should be in golf. He went up early, winning the first hole. They traded blow for blow but by the time the first 18 was done, Davis Love was 1 up, winning 6 holes, losing 5 and squaring the next. He felt this was his time.

He ate some chicken over lunch, and that was it.

He came out and didn’t win anymore holes after that, at one point, got so pissed off with one of the spectators that he actually stepped out to confront that guy. Come on, Love. Be a man.

Since losing 3 and 2 that fine summer day in 2004, Love hated Tiger. And now he was Tiger’s boss in Ryder Cup. Revenge is sweet.

Love’s first act was to bench Tiger for the second day, stating he needed “rest”. Seriously? Golf is not exactly a boxing match. Its played by overweight fat guys with cholestrol as high as Lindsay Lohan in her party nights. Rest? Give me a break. Then, he proceeded to pair Tiger up with the greatest loser of all time, Mr Steve Stricker, who should really be beaten up with a stick for failing so miserably to play golf. So he sabotaged Tiger, even if Tiger tried to rally back on the back nine with a flurry of birdies, only for the failure Stricker to miss a relatively easy putt to halve the hole. After the game, Tiger unfriended Stricker from his facebook and texted Furyk: “Can you be my partner again? I can’t stand the sight of this 24 handicaper anymore.”

And now the biggest humiliation ever. Putting Tiger dead last in the singles. With US up 10 – 6, there’s about 0.000001% chance that the deal breaker will come in the last singles. That’s why Olazabal front loaded his team. If you noticed, Love put his big guns in front as well. The prediction is that the 4 points is going to likely come before Peter Hanson and Jason Dufner’s game…i.e US will win 4 of the first 8 games. Hence the last 4 of the matches are just for kicks. In fact, it might be that Tiger doesn’t even finish 9 holes before the Ryder cup is over, and he’s no where near the finish.

Love’s response: “Tiger is more used to teeing up later.” which means, “I don’t give a flying f— about Tiger, because I am going to cold storage that basta*d for castrating me in the 2004 WGC event.”

Oh well, on to a potentially boring final round then.

Europe U.S. Time
L. Donald B. Watson 12:03p
I. Poulter W. Simpson 12:14p
R. McIlroy K. Bradley 12:25p
J. Rose P. Mickelson 12:36p
P. Lawrie B. Snedeker 12:47p
N. Colsaerts D. Johnson 12:58p
G. McDowell Z. Johnson 1:09p
S. Garcia J. Furyk 1:20p
P. Hanson J. Dufner 1:31p
L. Westwood M. Kuchar 1:42p
M. Kaymer S. Stricker 1:53p
F. Molinari T. Woods 2:04p
— All times ET
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Golf Channel – You suck.

Or to be more precise, your commentators suck.

I don’t know what’s their name, but those two flers commentating the Ryder Cup absolutely get on my nerves…especially the guy that talks in a half whisper with a bit of English accent.

This is the Ryder cup. There’s home court advantage to the Americans. What the h*** is home court advantage if they just clap their hands, drink tea and say, “Good day everyone?”

The fact is, the commentators in Golf Channel covering Ryder Cup 2012 in Medinah should be sacked. They have obviously demonstrated their biasness and bigotry for the Europeans. Note:

Poulter standing over a crucial putt. Commentator: “Come on, show us as you have always done, what you are made of.” And when the skinny pants Poulter makes it, commentator: “Yes! He is all courage.” Or something like that. The one thing I can’t stand is his demeaning and condescending view of the fans in medinah, at one point, saying the “vociferous” crowd has no class in laughing at Sergio Garcia duffing an easy chip like a 24 handicapper. He mentioned that they should not jeer or laugh, and it was inappropriate.

I don’t know who the heck this guy is, but he should shot point blank up his nose with a paint ball gun. He seemed to have forgotten that this wasn’t golf. It was the Ryder Cup event. The home advantage is “Advantage”. And Sergio fluffing a chip? He’s making billions from playing this stupid game and he can’t take a bit of jeering? Come on.

The commentator for the Ryder Cup is absolutely pathetic. Don’t cover the Ryder Cup if you don’t know what home advantage is. And above all, don’t demean paying fans to watch millionaires play a game that most of us play by sneaking out of the office or home. The fans deserve to jeer or cheer, it’s the nature of the Ryder Cup tradition.

I’ve muted this annoying idiot and am now watching silent golf.

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Tiger, Why You No Win at Ryder Cup?

Y U No - Tiger Woods Y U NO enter putt at ryder cup?

I watched the game.

The last putt. The final putt that everyone on earth knew Tiger would hit, do a fist pump and halve the match between him and Lee Westwood/Nicolas Colsaerts.

He apparently partnered a guy called Steve Stricker, who played like he had hernia throughout the game. Stricker was absolutely, foul-mouthedly horrendously shite. In fact, at one point, I saw Jim Furyk turned a disdaining look at this old fart as if to say: “Tiger dumped me for you? You play worse than a crippled, herniated chimp.”

So Tiger was actually being gangbanged by two guys. I mean on the golf course of course. Stricker was just there for the show, and if USA had their way, this would be the absolutely last time Steve Stricker had anything to do with the Ryder Cup. Forever. He SUCKS.

Anyway, Tiger had that last putt, a right to left about 8 – 10 feet. The bet was that when there was something on the line, he always delivered. 16th hole, the down hill 15 footer. 17th hole, the tee shot sticking to the pin, when the crippled herniated chimp had dumped his into the water.

He putted, the ball tracked and treacherously for unknown reasons, steered too far left, molested the side of the cup and stayed out, to the groans of 40,000 people in the gallery. Tiger failed.

Much like his retarded 4 footer putt that didnt even touch the hole on the 15th, Tiger has been very….crap lately with his Nike endorsed putter. And playing with a guy like Coesarts didn’t help. This Belgian was seriously like Terminator. He ended with eight birdies and an eagle, with long putts all over the green. It came to a point when as long as he was on the green, no matter if he was putting from across the country, he would dunk it in. 8 birdies. And if his first hole putt that molested the cup, or another putt that did a 360 before rimming out had gone in it would be: 10 birds and 1 Eagle. A -12.

As it is, the Europeans put their first win on the board for the afternoon and instead of being down 6 -2 , they are 5 – 3, and Tiger has been benched by that idiot Davis Love for the morning shootout on Saturday. Yo, Davis Love, nobody bench Tiger. You should just euthanise Stricker and move on.

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Golf World at Medinah

Well this week is the week.

After what has been a thoroughly disappointing season for us Tiger fans, at least we have one thing to look forward to: Ryder cup. I mean, Tiger lost the Fedex to a mop hair guy called Brandt Snedeker last week. This Snedeker fella won 11.4 Million USD in four days. OK, that’s about 5 hours a day. So per hour, Snedeker was winning 570,000USD per hour. Half a million an hour. Playing golf. I feel like smacking him in the face.

Anyways, back to Medinah. Where on earth is Medinah anyway? It’s in the outskirts of Chicago. Not many people know, Chicago is in the state of…Illinois. You might be able to get your golf tee times for Medinah over at EZ Links. But I won’t bet on it for this weekend.

So who’s gonna win it?

Key stories to tell:

1. Tiger vs Rory

This is obviously a dream pairing if they get together on Singles Sunday. I mean, this would absolutely blow the TV ratings off the roof.

2. Europe Emotional

Europe is very emotional now, with Seve Ballesteros’s spirit hovering over them.

3. USA’s Hot Streaks

That Brandt guy is on a hot streak. Let’s just hopefully it can last as long as his Justin Bieber hairstyle.

4. The Hometeam

With US as hometeam, they might be able to carve some advantage. US has only won on homesoil since 1993. That’s almost 20 years of hard luck outside of US. But they’ve won the previous US edition, so it’s good.

5. The Prediction

I’d love to say it’s the US, but based on the captains, I’d say the Euro could fancy taking this one. Davis Love is just not there as a leader. Compared to Olazabal, he’s pretty sterile.

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The Three Old Stooges

Now, I’m sure the golf world has been abuzz recently with the recent comments on Tiger Woods. As some of you know, Gilagolf is a rabid supporter of Tiger. Not because he’s a great player and all. It’s because without Tiger, watching golf SUCKS. Seriously. It’s blardy boring. Awful. Of course, thousands of articles have dissected what these 3 flers have to say about Tiger:

1. Greg Norman: “Tiger is scared of Rory.”

2. Nick Faldo: “Tiger has lost his aura.”

3. Johnny Miller: “I can train Tiger.”

The first 1 is actually a joke I think. I mean, it’s Greg Norman. He has been senile since he lost that six stroke lead in the 96 masters, shooting 78. Not many people know, he was then admitted to a mental asylum at Arkham and his publicity had a double dress up as Greg and has been impersonating the golfer since. Greg, oh Greg, you have been voted as ESPN’s greatest choke artist OF ALL TIME. You would be intimidated by a pigeon. Being roasted on a stick and half eaten. Of course, you have the right to see if someone is intimidated, you would know, right? There, there Greg, you can go back to your cell at the asylum, where no pigeons will coo at you. Thank you for one of the most hilarious, though sadly expectedly insane, statement of all time.

Nick Faldo, who actually is Harrison Ford’s twin brother is pretty bitter, because he used to bang all the girls that Tiger banged, and now likely Rory is banging. Pornstars seem to flock to golf world no 1. So Nick has beef against Tiger, for not sharing the pornstars with him. I mean, he’s a serial divorcee. And he looks like he has bathed in orange juice, with his pruny face! Anyways, has Tiger lost his aura? Don’t think so. Check out the crowds following him even now. He’s a million times bigger than Rory, and that piece of wood, Donald Sutherland. I mean Luke Donald. i can’t even get that joker’s name right!

Johnny Miller. I admit. I had to google this guy. Goodness. He’s a guy who won 2 majors. 2. To train a dude who has won seven times more. If greg was senile, Johnny Miller is taking cocaine. Honestly believe it. This can be the only explanation what possessed him to say things like that. They are just competing on coming up with the most purile, offensively stupid statements just to get attention to themselves, since the only ones who care about their opinion are their pet iguanas. I can’t even comment on this guy, because it’s like me telling Fernando Alonso that I can teach him how to drive an F1 car. This is really the craziest statement ever made by a guy who probably has had lobotomy done, and now operating entirely on animal instinct.

Here’s the story, you stooges.

The dashed line above is when Tiger Woods came into the tour. Before that, Golf was a sterile game played by white hair dudes who call themselves fearless names like “Shark”, but looks more like a carribean tabby cat. I mean, come on. Golf = SHARK? Which part of this person look like a shark? Anyways, there has been an exponential increase since Tiger came along, translating to this simple fact:

Without Tiger, Golf is extinct as far as endorsements are concern. without him, Rory will be working at a deli. Luke Donald would be a pimp, and VJ would still be playing with monkeys in Borneo. That’s why I think he deserves more respect, because he has singlehandedly brought Golf to where it is now. Fist pump, ESPN highlights and stuff.

The three old stooges are obviously pissed because they missed the boat. They were earning about USD5000 for each win. Now, punks earn 500,000 for the win. Greg Norman took like 30 years to get to 10 million in earnings. Tiger took 4 years. He has busted past 100 million this year. Greg is just beyond pissed that he now has to take up a job as a golf course designer and decorator of children’s playland to pay the bills. Same goes for Nick Faldo. Johnny Miller only earned a total of USD15 bucks in his career, which afforded him to buy a pair of walking shoes to walk to and from tournaments during the 1880s and the civil war period. Johnny Miller is about 140 years now, and usually kept in a cryogenic tank when he’s not out commenting on people’s game. So sad.

Anyways, enough of wisecracking over these 3 poor flers. On with the show, Tiger leading. DON’T BLOW IT TIGER!

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Ryder Cup – The truth behind the selections

OK, Ryder cup time is almost upon us. Bring out the late night snacks, the drinks, the bets. Ryder Cup golf betting could be big this year, as we prepare for what is the closest in golf to head to head, mano e mano, in your face competition. Face it, golf is awful boring when Tiger is playing more like Tasmanian Tiger, i.e extinct. But the Ryder cup (forget the sissy Presidents Cup) is the penultimate single one to one brawl in golf.

But here’s the honest truth. The Americans are in trouble. Not because Tiger is putting like he’s already got glaucoma, or the fact that Rory for some strange reason had found his mojo and now trashing everyone; it’s because of their selection. Davis Love III really sucks as the captain.

OK, I never liked Davis Love III. He comes across as a spoiled, rich guy who doesn’t know hard work and who was born with a silver spoon stuck firmly in his pouty mouth. He likely is not, but in Gilagolf, we place a lot of importance in looks…and believe that generalisation is the best way to go about life.

Anyway, for those who played their way into the team…great, got no beef against these guys. It’s the selection picks. There are four of them.

1. Jim Furyk

The fist of furyk has long lost its mojo. With a swing resembling an iguana trying to hump a polecat, he might bring some veteran leadership into the team, but face it, with these young punks, he’s going to be blown out of the water. Rating: Poor.

2. Dustin Johnson

We like him. But the fact is that his mental game is KFC’s mash potatoes. He’s just not there. He’s not a closer. 2010 US Open, with 3 up in the final round, he cockily said, “If I keep playing like this, I’ll be hard to beat.” Thank you. The golf jinx is back. He shot 82 and had to hide his big head in a hole. Come on. 82, and you’re still in the team? Jeez. Rating: Disaster.

3. Steve Stricker

Probably the best for captain’s pick. He’s the kind of guy who plays like he’s on life support. He’s so dead boring. Even the camera man has been known to move away from his game to observe ants carrying grains of sand for half hour. Stricker is probably not the best when faced with blustery Europeans, but who else is there? Rating: OK

4. Brandt Snedeker

I just don’t like writing his name. It’s too difficult. Why do you have a ‘t’ at the end of Brand? What purpose does it serve?? likewise, why oh why are you selected?? We need cocky, confident, alpha males in Ryder cup. Seriously. The whole context changes and you can’t depend on normally dependable guys who ‘plays the course’ to succeed. We need guys like Rickie Fowler and Hunter Mahan … young punks playing crazy game and taking stupid risks, and stare at the opponents in the face and go, yeah, I am going to Gangnam style you, man! can you imagine this guy doing gangnam style? You can’t, then ok, forget it.

Who should have been selected?

1. Rickie Fowler – He’s a punk that dresses like an American Ian Poulter, except he’s more colorful

2. Hunter Mahan – come on, I know he chokes, but give him a break. He won twice. Now he’s crying because it’s so hard to watch the Ryder cup, after earning 5 million this year. Yeah right. What about the guy in south india that earns 2 USD peddling stones 5 miles a day? Huh, Mr Mahan??? Ooops, sorry, forgot I was supporting you. Gangnam Style!

3. Ok, I would take Dustin Johnson as well, because he’s so…tall.

4. Stricker. The Empire Stricks back. I think that would have been an excellent headline if US can win the cup due to him.

Bring it on!!

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PGA TOUR is STUPID

Yes.

PGA Tour is stupid.

After missing opportunities to pair up a possible Vijay, Tiger and Rory in the 3rd round for the BMW championship, they again mess up the fourth round pairing. Here’s the leader board:

And here is the tee time tonight for the final round:

I mean, seriously, it does not take a genius to figure out the delicious storylines in store here, and as golfers, storylines are what rivalries are made of. Because golf is so blardy boring to watch, in effect, just a couple of old men swinging a club, or in some rare instances swinging their other equipments at multiple pornstars; any storyline is a good storyline.

VJ and Phil.

Vijay is one of my favourite players. He has a “I don’t give an F who you are because I was brought up in the jungles in borneo hitting golf balls at orang utans in the sunset” attitude. He doesn’t care. It’s very likable. If he had a facebook page, I’d “like” it a million times if it’s possible. It’s not. So once is enough. Anyway, Vijay hates Phil because Phil is fat, walks around Augusta greens and his spike marks spoils the green. Vijay doesn’t give fart if Phil was Mr Popular, he went at him like a lion in the dressing room and they had to be separated by 5 players, Phil’s eyes were blue black, Vijay’s knuckles bleeding and the aforementioned offending shoe spike stuck in Phil’s back for a few hours. Vijay will stare down Phil today and win the head to head.

Rory and Lee Westwood

Between the two, I don’t know who I dislike more. But whatever it is, they dislike each other more. We don’t know, and can’t trace back to the exact moment, but it was likely that night in the pub when Rory came in with his first major trophy, the US Open, and asked all the Irish men to fill it with Guinness. Lee, who was there took offense that he didn’t ask to mix the English beer in as well and wasn’t invited to the table, which was for “Irish, major winners only, including Grahme and Padraig”. Since then, Lee Westwood has given Rory the eyeball. But instead of WWII like Vijay and Phil, it was more like a cold war between them, so it will be interesting to see how Rory kick Lee Westwood’s butt tonight.

So they got these two right. Now you got 3 guys at -14 and a certain Mr Woods at -13, so one of the -14 guys will be with Mr Woods right?

WHO ELSE??

Adam Scott!!! So we can see Steve Williams and his old employer. If Vijay and Phil is WWII, Steve and Tiger is at thermonuclear, intergalactic warfare. It would have drawn THE largest crowd of the entire decade.

Instead, they give us this: Adam Scott and this clown called Garrigus and Tiger and his old friend Dustin. Jeez.

We all know that Tiger doesn’t motivate himself anymore. He needs external motivation. Played like a hero when Rory was battling him. Played like a pondan when  he had nobody to drive him today. And now, with a friendly party like Dustin Hoffman, I mean, Johnson, Tiger has 0 chance to win. He’s going to fade, play like a nutball and end up like 15th or 20th or something.

Stupid PGA Tour people.