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Augusta 2011 Gilagolf Prediction Engine (GPE)

Well, after a prolonged break, the now famous, and absolutely undependable Gilagolf Prediction Engine (GPE) for Masters is kicking in again. We are so far Sergio-Garcia-Majors-Win in our prediction, i.e BIG FAT ZERO. I think this year, we’re going to break that. OK, roll call:

Rory McIlroy

Rory McIlroy

This kid is playing without fear. He has no memory of failure, so he’s actually killing Augusta with his drives and his fearless, in your face, I’ll-take-on-anybody-including-your-mother attitude. Will he prevail his four shot lead? Everything says he will, because unlike the mother of all chokers Mr Greg Norman, he has no failure record in Augusta, so he’s playing without actually understanding how important it is. But GPE predicts him to crack under the enormous pressure and his drives will be as curly as his hair in the back nine. Mainly, because we’re jealous of him, being so young and able to play in Augusta while we will be working our butts off tomorrow morning. And also, nobody has won Augusta with a permed hair before.

Jason Day

Jason Day

Really like this kid. He looks a little Asian so obviously that’s a big plus..in fact he looks like one of my pai-kia friends in Sultan Abdul Samad school. GPE doesn’t seem inclined to Aussies though, because of the amount of time they have proven that they have choked in Augusta (starting from the guy that gave away SIX strokes in 1996, who from thereon had his nickname changed from the Shark to the Sharkfin Soup), so sorry, Jason “This Ain’t Your” Day.

Charl Schwartzel

Charl Schwartzel

Umm, no. How many times have we said, anybody with an unpronounceable name, or a name that comes up in spelling bee contests will not win. Sorry, Charl Schwimmer.

K.J Choi

K.J. Choi

GPE is tuned immediately to Asians, because it is by far, the most racialist prediction engine ever. EVER. Anytime we see KJ Choi, it beeps up. He’s like a cuddly teddy bear who will tombstone you if you don’t do what he says. Who can resist that face when he hooked his shot on the 14th, as he stared down at his ball as if he we was going to mash it up into smithereens with his weight lifting hands? Ah KJ, we predict you again (as we did in previous years) TO WIN THE AUGUSTA!! Please, get your act together and win it to save us yet another embarrassing prediction.

Angel Cabrera

Angel Cabrera

If KJ somehow manages to disappoint us yet again, our dark horse selection is Mr Angel “Don Corleone” Cabrera. He looks and play like a Cuban druglord. This is the man. He whacks the ball without a care in the world, and if you start talking technical to him, I bet he’s just going to take his 7-iron and grind you into a pulp. I’d like to see him do that to the annoying and completely BS golf fix guy, Michael Breed.

Luuuuke Donald

Luke Donald

We generally don’t think anybody resembling Justin Timberlake looks good in the green jacket. Nope, he’ll sabotage himself because he doesn’t want to lose his legions of female fans by looking like a nerd in a jacket. A real ugly one at that.

Adam Scott

Adam Scott

See above reference to Luke and Jason.

Bo Van Pelt

Bo Van Pelt

Seriously? Bo Van Pelt? He’s the lost brother of Lucy and Linus Van Pelt from Peanuts. Bo Van Pelt? Come on. Same reason as Charl Sauerkraut.

A bunch of guys are seven off the lead and considered as out of the running, including the MEGA DISAPPOINTING Tiger Woods. He was annoyingly bad in Round 3, putting like a pregnant penguin. We still believe in Tiger, and he has an outside chance to get this. Aside from KJ, Angel, we’ll have Tiger moving up the leaderboard but falling short, probably top 5, so he can have that blabber mouth Ian Poulter eating Tiger Crap for years for saying Tiger sucks so much. The rest at -5 are going to be sideshows.

Go KJ, do it for little Asian men who has disproportionately huge muscles!

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Why Is Martin Kaymer No. 1?

As Augusta weekend begins, one of the most asked question in the golf community is:

Why does Martin Kaymer sucks so much?

Seriously, we don’t really like to bash up folks when they are already down on the ground, and drinking their sorrows away with 20 pints of Jack Daniels; but Martin, how can you call yourself No.1 in the world, and play like us? Like, really suck?

I can’t help it. Augusta weekend is here, and three of the four major champions are gone. Martin, Louis whateverhisnameis and Graeme McDowell are all gone. And not just missed by a shot, but by 50 miles: Louis is +4, Graeme McDowell is +3, and here’s the world no 1 player: +6!! Yikes. You’ve got a dude called “Lion Kim” (the result of a government experiment to mix Tiger Woods and Anthony Kim into one package) ahead of you, World No 1, how do you explain that?

Sure, we got a lot to look forward to, especially with the ultra cocky Rory McIlroy and the Philipino looking guy Jason Day, but we got two of our all time favourites (unfortunately, not David Duval), Tiger and KJ paired up for the weekend. I bet two pieces of bricks will have more conversation than these two friendly fellas. But how can a world no 1 talk like this:

“I think that I don’t really know how to play the golf course. I can think about it for another hour or two hours and I just don’t really find a solution. Maybe I’ve got to sit down with Bernhard Langer later and ask him. He won here twice.”

Umm, yeah, he won here when Alexander Bell was inventing the telephone. Come on, dude, you’re no.1. Why are you asking advice from a 106 year old dude?

“Every day that I’ve played here has been a tough day so far. It’s disappointing because there are just some golf courses that suit you and some that just don’t. It’s just a shame that, obviously this is such a huge tournament here, and if it doesn’t suit your eye and you know it . . . it’s a little frustrating.”

Umm, why don’t you just say, you suck? Instead of blaming ‘some’ golf course like Augusta not fitting your eye? Whats wrong with your eye? Now, Tiger would shank and do all sorts of stupid shots with his clubs, but his response was:

“I’m close. I’m getting better, I’m almost there. You mean that shank? Jeez, you fool, I did that on purpose, so that I can show off my recovery skill. Stop asking me such stupid questions, you know how terrifically big my muscles are? Say, you’re quite a pretty interviewer..natural blonde? Doing anything later?”

That is the confidence we need to hear from a world No.1. Someone who will just Tiger-pow the interviewer if there’s a slightest hint of exposing his weaknesses.

People said Martin Kaymer can’t hit a draw. I’m like, dude. World No 1 can’t hit a draw? It’s like saying Chinaman contractor don’t like pork. It’s unheard of. How can you NOT BE ABLE TO HIT A DRAW??!?!

Impossible as it may be, here’s the proof on Why Martin Kaymer Sucks:

Notice how after Martin hits the ‘draw’, that golf fix guy started babbling like an idiot, and Martin just looked like he swallowed a durian. With the shell. And immediately after that ‘draw’ Golf Channel immediately whacks out a reminder that this guys is the PGA Champion!! He’s a major champion!! He’s not some kind of hack they found in Rahman Putra! This is to convince the viewers that he intended to hit two shots that resemble the famous banana slice and the duck hook of Hackers. And of course, the golf channel guy was BS-ing all the way, until he had to say, “This BS sounds good to you? OK, let’s get out of here, before they see you play like an idiot again. Thanks for making me lose my job, world no 1!!”

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Who’s Better: Natalie Portman vs Zooey Deschanel

In one of these bleary eyed Fridays, we were having a round table discussion over lunch on a subject of the utmost importance: If you were to have a free round of 18 holes (not more, please) with a famous actress who would it be? I kinda narrowed it down to two of my favourite, so either of these two, who would it be?


Nat

Zooey

Of course, this is limited to purely playing GOLF. The wiser people would ask: “Why the he*l are we playing golf if we have 4 hours to spend with these two??” or “Why not dinner?” or why not… some other not so PG-13 activities?

Again. None of us will ever have any chance in heaven or heck to ever have 4 hours with these two or any other actresses named over lunch…so this is purely a hypothetical question. It ain’t happening. Face it. I just thought it’d be funny to see who we’d rather golf with if given a chance.

Some of the actresses named over lunch might be hot, but seriously, would you want to spend the next 4 hours hacking a golf course with them? Would they be as crazy as you, or laugh at your ultra stupid golf remarks? Or would their fake nose and botox wear off and after the game, they would resemble Smeagol?? Tough questions indeed.

By the way, finally, these two are finally teaming up for the upcoming comedy-fantasy movie, “Your Highness”. It looks to be absolutely hilarious!! Check it:

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Rain + Seri Selangor = Absolutely Astoundingly Crap

It’s rare that we do a re-review of a course, but after today’s frustrations at Seri Selangor, here’s the affirmation: Put Seri Selangor in the AAC category if there’s a heavy downpour. Some courses handle downpours magnificently, note Tiara Melaka and to some extent, grudgingly, Rahman Putra. Some handle it not so well but are improving, notably Kinrara and all the work they have been doing in the drainage, and also Perangsang.

Seri Selangor? With a maintenance budget as tight as leotards on Queen Latifah, don’t expect too much to be done. Today, heavy downpour in the morning literally turned the 18th hole par 5 into a river. The embankment overflowed and all the rubbish flowed down into the fairway. We teed off about 1 and a half hour late for our 20 flight tournament, and entered into a course that was neither playable nor fit for anyone except for people who enjoy being perpetually constipated.

I.e Seri Selangor emphatically, most comprehensively SUCK.

And this isn’t because I had a bad game, instead with a shot gun start on the par 5 5th, I played 3 Doubles, 2 Pars and 7 Bogeys before approaching the Par 4 17th. I yanked my tee shot OB after waiting for 15 minutes on the tee, and my second shot was good, smack on the fairway. Maybe a 4 on 2 putt to save double? Fat chance. The whole time our shots have been plugged, but never more than on this hole, when my drive could not be found on the fairway despite 4 flers looking for it, and a caddie to boot. So, took an 8. The fairways were in a sorry condition. Completely atrocious drainage. The bunkers were ALL swimming pools. ALL. It’s absolutely incredible how lousy Seri Selangor maintenance is. With the saving grace being the greens, the rest of the course was so terrible that after 13 holes, i called it quits and headed back…partly also due to the long wait times due to a bunch of lady golfers who think the tournament is Augusta masters and spending 10 minutes each to read the darn greens. Aiyo Auntie, just putt la…no difference la how long you read…our skill level generally means we suck anyway.

Seri Selangor, being a combat course and a ‘homeless’ golfer course, will always have an excuse to be lousy in its drainage maintenance, and will always be able to justify…but I think as golfers who pay money to play on course, some standards need to be met. If Perangsang and Kinrara can improve, why not Seri Selangor. Stop the excuses and start improving, before we cangkul your fairways into smithereens.

Anyway to conclude this rant, 3 Most Annoying things in the world:

1. When you hit a good drive, and the stupid course punishes you for it just because they do not have the basic ability or budget to have good drainage.

2. Aunties who thinks and putts like they are in Augusta Masters, and takes a few years to finish 18 holes.

3. Racist History Channel doing shows about Malaysia, and have subtitles when interviewing Malaysians speaking perfectly comprehensible English, yet, in the next show, when interviewing people from Africa and worse, Ireland, as they speak in a gibberish slang that sounds like Middle Earth Ancient Elven Tongue, they refuse to put any subtitles, because these are ‘Western’ Civilisation.

I don’t know how 3) got there, but it’s one of those things that really annoys me. I can really relate to how this guy feels:

Enjoy!

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Clearing the House – GilaSale 2011

As golfers, we sometimes hate to part with the weapons that have served us so well over the years. Unfortunately, with the amazing rate of accumulation of second hand clubs and junk, most of the golfers home (be it a condo, terrace, bungalow, or the King’s Palace in Hartamas area) will eventually, most definitely run out of space and spring cleaning is in order (usually during the Chinese New Year period, for some strange, unconnected reasons to sweeping away bad luck).

So head over to http://gilagolf.net/gilasale/ and go through some of the stuff that’s up there, let me know if you want to test it and we’ll arrange for it.

Happy Chinese New Year, folks and may your 7-iron be true and your short stick be faithful this year.

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How on earth did my Bandwidth get exceeded??

I just had a report that my bandwidth of 10 GB for photobucket just got exceeded!

Ouch, all my pictures have disappeared.

And whats worse, I’m traveling. So slow internet access here….so, bear with me, I’ll try to get this thing up soonest…

I suppose this means that there are more people viewing this blog, and Gilagolf has to start accepting the fact that this is the greatest golf blog of all time. Such a humbling experience.

Update: Just found out that Photobucket will reset itself at the end of the month. I am far too cheap to pay for the unlimited pro version, I rather use the chaplang version I am using now. I suppose I’ll just look for a different image provider moving forward. Anyone with any ideas? Imageshack? Flickr? Multiply?

Sorry again, hope my words paint better pictures than…pictures.

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Golfing Doldrums

As some of you might know, Gilagolf hasn’t really been going out there to new courses to get new reviews in. In fact, I haven’t been going out there on any course, period. It obviously sucks to be working your butt off weekdays and weekends just to chase the almighty moolahs, but hey, it is what it is. Looking forward to year end.

So, entertainment has really been in the form of sitting around the couch flipping channels. The golf season has theoretically ended, the only question is whether our old friend Tiger can muster one win this season in the Chevron Challenge underway….he’s not bad, he’s actually leading, and even tweeted he had a nice drive on 18. What?? He’s actually engaging us, the low scum reptilian golfers! Is this the softer Tiger? Is he becoming a Pussy…cat?

Here’s just a run down of the top 5 interesting sports news to think about before year end comes and hopefully golf can begin again:-

1) Chevron Challenge – We’re really hoping that Tiger can win. Serious. I’m so sick and tired of seeing a non-american golfer up there. It’s been more than 72 hours of non-american arrogance at number 1. THAT HAS TO CHANGE!!! I can’t handle any more of seeing a fat world number 1 who is not John Daly! I can’t handle anymore of stupid Ian Poulter and Rory mcIlroy stupid tweets making fun of Tiger! Tiger, it’s time you wedgie these english wankers!

2) Still on golf – Could I be the only person in the entire planet who is extremely excited about Golf Season 2011 because of the return of: DAVID DUVAL?? Here’s a guy who was number 1, then went down to number 218,777,567th, just about 2 steps above my ranking, and now somehow by some luck is in the top 125 again!! We’re starting up a Duval tracker, that will track everything about Gilagolf’s most favourite golfer of all time, because he just looks so darn cool with the Oaks even though he now resembles something between John Daly and a Double Quarter Pounder Cheese Hamburger.

3) Miami Heat vs Cleveland Cavaliers – For those who met me, do not let my pudgy physique deceive you, I was once a very good basketballer in my hey days. I am a Miami Heat Fanatic since Timmy Hardaway cracked ankles with his Utep Two-Step Crossover, and went bonkers when they acquired Lebron James this season. Although they are playing sh*t so far, it’s good they blew Cleveland out of the building.

4) Juventus the Italian Idiots -My blood is black and white, and have been a Bianconeri fan since my umbilical was cut. But what a bunch of crap idiots to draw with a stupid team from Poland and crashing out of the greatest European championship ever, the famous Europa League. In fact, Champions League can go suck dirt. Perhaps in some ways, there’s a kinship of suffering between Liverpool and Juve. As much as you Scousers hate the Devils, we also hate the Nerazzuri, and wish them a thousand deaths in the hands of your former coach.

5) Malaysia lose 5 -1 to Indonesia – Ok mah. At least we score one goal lor….better than Real Madrid….

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Tiger Tweet

For those who have been faithfully following Gilagolf eversince our inception 3 years ago, you’d know that we generally do two things: Comment on golf courses and follow Tiger Woods rabidly. Of course, on the way, we get distracted by the LPGA, some random ramblings, and some disconnected advice on how to improve our swing, through the awesome and non-reasonable purchases of golf clubs over ebay.

But Yeah, generally, Golf Course and Tiger Woods.

Why Tiger Woods?

Because as mentioned before, he is the sole reason why many of us actually picked up this game and started playing, and continued playing despite being humiliated multiple times on the golf course by our retarded swings. Tiger was the inspiration and to us, he will always be no.1, not this current guy at No. 1 who resembles a duck, and has as much personality as a granite rock.

And guess what, Tiger tweets! His tweet is at http://twitter.com/TigerWoods. Although, my personal recommendation is that it will be as interesting as reading the Home Garden magazine; it’s his way of reaching out to his fans and being more ‘human’.

Tiger, if you so happen to read this, and you are among our 15-odd readers, here’s my advice:

Cut the crap.

Seriously. What’s “The Axe is back in Palo Alto where it belongs.” means? Why is it referencing some strange tradition in a college football game? Why are the tweets so boring, neutral and common? WHO CARES about your tweets, dude? We all know how robotic you are in interviews, so you’ll be the same in your tweets, going through the Nike censorship board and saying all the right things?

You should do two things: Shut down the twitter and facebook and start winning again, and being the cyborg alien golfer we all know you are; or use that twitter to taunt the other players or gossip about stuff they don’t let you talk about in interviews. You know what would be good? Here are some tweets you should be doing:

“I can’t wait to get back on the course and give that wanker Ernie Els another golf wedgie.”

“I have nicknamed the new World No 1 as the Mr Potato. How can a fat pumpkin like him beat me??”

“I need to build some confidence and bash some loser. I wonder where Stephen Ames is these days?”

“Rory sucks. Rory sucks. Rory sucks. Rory sucks. Rory sucks. Rory sucks. Rory sucks.”

“I’m pretty bored. Who wants to help me graffiti all the stupid new Accenture ads? Yaay!”

“Just had a hot date with Crystal Chandelier. I wonder why her mom would name her that…”

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GilaGolf is Back!

Or as much as I could bring it back to its original state.

For some reason, I couldn’t get the original theme running so I had to settle with this theme. The main menus are pretty much the same, the Maxfli logo is still there, and hopefully everything is back to normal. Let me know if there are any broken links (if any).

So what has happened in the golf world?

Nothing much. We haven’t been playing in any new courses for the LONGEST time, but we’re organising a bit for the end year, likely will hit the following before the year end:

1. A Famosa

2. Orna

3. Awana

4. Some random courses in Johor

The Johor courses will be touch and go. We need to get our passes to get out of Singapore during our family’s annual pilgrimage there. While the wives go shopping, the guys will need to sneak out at 5 am and cram in 36 holes. Any suggestions?

1. Tanjong Puteri

2. Daiman 18

3. Horizon Hills

4. Pulai Springs

I think the others like Legends will be tad bit too far to journey to.

Stay tuned!

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Gilagolf.net went down!

Apparently some idiots (probably a staff from one of the golf courses in WOTM and AAC categories), decided to mess up gilagolf.net by replacing all my files with redirects to some other site. I can only derive 2 things here:-

1) That an idiot would think it worth their time to actually bring down Gilagolf.net. Seriously. It’s like stealing from the church. Or taking away cutleries and food from a flood relief centre. It’s like honking in a hospital zone. What kind of demented, crooked, vile piece of amoeba-like scum would actually lower themselves to do such things? Gilagolf security is probably as good as my lame and blind, deaf and mute Labrador guarding our home.

2) Gilagolf has become big enough to actually say: Hey, we got hacked! It’s kinda an ironic flattery that the amoeba-like scums would actually take the site offline.

So, I’ll try to get back things in order, but will take some time before running smoothly as before.

Meantime, we’ll run some investigations on the AAC and WOTM clubs to see who has done it. Worse case, we’ll go there with our pitching wedge and start taking huge chunks of divots on their greens.