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Tiger, Captain’s Pick

It’s highly weird that in the future, when introduced to the first tee box, instead of being stated as a multiple major winner and possibly the greatest golfer ever to wield a golf club, that Tiger would be introduced as the ‘2011 President’s cup captain’s pick’ and possibly the most vilified captain’s pick ever, probably based on the not-so-unfounded perception that the Captain can probably play better than Tiger right now.

But why so much hate?

ESPN writers write so much crap, because they are sports writers. One of their guys wrote:

“What has Woods done in the game lately? You (Fred Couples) tell us in your announcement that Tiger almost won the Masters in April. April? That’s practically another decade in golf.” – Farrell Evans

Farrell Evans

Hah? What you mean, Mr Farrell Evans? Don’t know how to count ah? Besides looking a little like Eddie Murphy’s not so funny doppleganger, he has other great insights to Tiger such as:

“Still, Tiger has to take some of the blame for your decision. He should have said he’s not fit to play. He should have said there are more deserving players who rank ahead of him. He could have said, “Fred, I’m 28th and why should I take a place on the team? Let somebody else have a chance.””

What about saying: Fred, add ALL THESE CLOWN’S Major wins and they won’t even come close to my total. I have single handedly moved Golf from the stoneage where idiots like these guys play for USD1,000 to million dollar paychecks. Without me, Golf will rank slightly lower in popularity than curling. And that’s curling hair, not even that game where people mop floors. We’d have GilaCurling instead of GilaGolf.

How on earth would Eddie Murphy think that Tiger is going to say, “Let somebody else have a chance?”.

“Tiger is no Lou Gehrig. He’s just a selfish player who is getting something for doing nothing. I want him to explain that to the kids at his Tiger Woods Learning Center and the kids from The First Tee, an organization his fame helped to inspire.”

He’ll explain this, Eddie Murphy Doppleganger: “Kids, people like you if you’re good. Like me. So be excellent and you can relax for the rest of your lives because you own the media and guys like President Cup captains. End of story.”

A lot of people don’t think Tiger should be on the team, but face it, this is the President’s Cup. It ain’t the World Cup. It comes every two years. And alternately, there’s the Ryder Cup, so actually, you have EVERY SINGLE YEAR either President or Ryder cup, so what’s the big deal? I don’t mean to demean these events like Rory, but you know, the World Cup defines a player’s career once every four years. At most, every footballer has 3 World Cups in his life if he is lucky, and good. After every World Cup, fortunes changes, from great gems like Ronaldinho to extremely crap players like Haji Diouf. That’s why there’s so much passion in the World Cup, from the players who needs the careers and the officials who need all the bribe money.

As much as I love Golf, I’d be drunk on weed and durians at the same time if I were to compare Ryder/President’s Cup to the World Cup. It’s not. Golfers are defined by majors because this is an individual sport, not a team sport. So guys like Eddie Murphy Twin who thinks President’s cup is a clear watershed of a golfer’s career, they are probably high on weed and drunk on durian juice.

+ +  Farrell Evans

President’s cup is for entertainment. An Exhibition aimed to bring about the most money and interest in golf so golf individuals get more exposure, so events get more money and everyone gets paid more. Rory was right, even if he was eventually crucified by it. He was just stating history, because The Ryder Cup does come from the fact that exhibiton matches had been played and this was just a progression of it.

So, who is the most marketable golfer right now? Go for him. No matter if he’s playing like a epileptic baboon at the moment, the world needs him. Economy needs him. The Golf industry needs him. I mean, can you imagine the buzz if Tiger ends up playing with Adam Scott? That storyline in itself is enough for Fred to make the decision. It’s a blockbuster, Avatar-Like moment for Golf. Right now, Tiger’s golf studs is probably more marketable than most of the dudes on the President’s Cup team. Really. Stricker, Kuchar, Watney, Simpson, Bill Haas. Really? Who’s scared of these guys?

vs

The only wish I have is that Fowler gets selected aside from Tiger. He cracked me up in the Golf Boyz Video with Bubba, Mahan and the super funny Ben Crane.

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Caddie-Gate and The World of Ingrates

I just thought, on the eve of the final major of 2011, on the eve of the final event where Tiger needs to get it done or go home for the season: that there are so many more compelling storylines than the one that’s hogging the show right now. Not to say the least about the lousy economy or the bashing the stock market has taken over the weeks; we’ll focus solely on golf.

Golf. That’s right. When has it become the circus that it is?

They call it Caddie-Gate. They call out Tiger for being a lousy employer. They bring to attention Tiger who has not changed, who is still the arrogant prick before and after the hydrant incident in November 2009. So he fired his Caddie. The caddie who has been ‘loyal’ to him all these years, his best friend, his old buddy, his wing man. What kind of sick, mentally challenged idiot would do that? What’s wrong with you, Tiger?

Here’s what’s wrong. Nothing.

Steve Williams showed the world who the real villain was in his post round interview after winning in Firestone with Adam Scott (that is such an ironic story line), saying that the win was the best week he had in life. Are you serious?

What about winning all the majors with Tiger?

What about getting married (well, he divorced but he wouldn’t have known that when he got married, right?)

Or just for sakes, how about saying the charitable foundation he started out for underprivileged kids as the best week of your life?

Steve Williams earned in excess of $10 Million during his time with Tiger. For carrying a bag. And throwing cameras and photographers into the lake. I mean, seriously, $10 Million USD? And he’s pissed off with the guy that helped made him that? He was caddying for Raymond Floyd before this gig with Tiger…he would be making probably US40,000 over the same period of years.

Steve was sacked by Greg Norman too in his prime. Greg went on to win 12 more PGA tour events including the Open championship over 8 years. It was believed Steve got ‘too close’ to Greg. Read: He was probably giving too many opinions to Greg and scolding him for fluffing the chip shot etc, like what the KGNS caddies do to us. I mean, who’d like playing with a clown like that?

I have a feeling that Steve Williams could have been grumbling too much with Tiger, as Tiger recuperated and got well. I mean, so he hasn’t won in 2 years. You’ve got USD10 Million for your troubles and you blast him over the media like he owes you something? Seriously. Steve is a great caddy. But that’s all there is. He ain’t the guy swinging the club. Tiger is.

And Tiger has given him there was, and if there’s a time for change, then take it and move on. I mean, it’s not as if Tiger didn’t pay him or whatever. WHO CARES if it’s an SMS or face to face etc? What sort of planet of emotional metrosexual idiots are we now living in? Why does Steve thinks he’s entitled to some privilege from Tiger? Is it because he got replaced by a caddy who resembles Snow White, without the puffy shoulder pads and laced skirts, and 7 strange old men looking at her sleeping?

In the perfect world, Tiger would have just replied: “Steve, I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the millions that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “Thank you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a 7-iron, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!”

Ah, Colonel Nathan Jessep, everyone’s favourite character.

img_fewgoodmen.jpg

In conclusion: Tiger took the higher road. He didn’t blast Steve over the media. In fact, he even said he texted Steve after Adam Scott won, and congratulated him. Even if he DID NOT do it, the fact that he said it, it’s like pulling out 4 wisdom teeth at once for Tiger. With a rusted plier. But Tiger did it, because he was grateful for Steve’s service over the years. Unfortunately, Steve, the ingrate, is just interested in pulling down his golden goose. Tiger made the right choice. With a character like Steve Williams, who is so used to winning and only interested in winning: during a time of rehab, Tiger needs a change. Less expectations. Less loud mouthed opinions. He needs to find his zen again before killing everyone in the course like he used to do.

I hope it starts this week.

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Who Wins in the Major?

Now that the British Open is over, and the unlikeliest champion has emerged, we’ll all wind down the year and have a look at it. Wait, there’s still the PGA Championship and Fedex Cup. Meh. We all know that the last major, with flukes like Shaun Micheel, Rich Beem and YE Yang, isn’t as prestigious as the other 3. And Fedex cup? Please. Gimmicky.

Darren Clarke of Northern Ireland smokes a cigarette during the final round of the British Open golf championship at Royal St George's in Sandwich

So, the cigaratte chomping (curious, isn’t a cigaratte consider an outside help?) Daren Clarke wins, and I’ll leave to other better writers to talk about the glory of Northern Ireland majors, the odds, the story surrounding Sunday’s win, and the humiliating hacking nonsense conjured up by Phil Mickleson, Dustin Johnson and all the other clowns chasing Daren. It wasn’t so much that Daren won it, but the other fellas lost it. Missing a two footer. Check, Mickleson. Shanking into OB at a critical hole. Check, Dustin. Pulling into weeds and losing grip of club. Check, Anthony Kim. Whacking into the spectator stands. Check, Mickleson. What, again?? What’s wrong with you, tubby??

Phil Mickelson Phil Mickelson of the United States misses a birdie putt on the eighth green during the final round of The 140th Open Championship at Royal St George's on July 17, 2011 in Sandwich, England.

Now, what has this got to do with Tiger? Everything. Since our old friend left the game in shambles, we’ve got all these bunch of pretenders stepping up the plate and taking what they can. It’s like a pack of hyenas, after the lion has finished his fill of the dead elephant and wanders off to sleep, they come and gorge on the remains and take all they can before the old lion comes back and chase them all out.

Without Tiger, majors have seen first time winners piling up. Daren. Rory. Charles. Martin. Louis. Graeme. 6 consecutive first timers, and NOT. ONE. AMERICAN. Face it, for the viewers, supporting the underdog only makes sense if there is a top dog. We ALL want to have a top dog. There’s a culture of heroes in humanity. Hercules. Achilles. The naked guy in 300. Julius Caesar. Douglas MacArthur. Joan of Arc. King Arthur. Hang Tuah. Or, looking at sport heroes: Muhammad Ali. Michael Jordan. Maradona. The one person that stands above the rest, that says, “Don’t eat my elephant until I’m finished, you pack of hyenas!”

Tiger Woods, love him or hate him, is one of them. He is the Top Dog. He’s the Alpha Male. And he doesn’t like to share.

Once the Top Dog goes, you’ve got these hyenas going for the majors and the number 1 in the world. Luke Donald aka Justin Timberlake Lookalike. What a joke. A world number 1 CAN’T make the CUT??!! Lee Westwood, another joke. Martin Kaymer? He can’t draw the ball. Rory? We like him, but too streaky, just like a hacker.

Martin Kaymer and Lee Westwood - Singles Matches-2010 Ryder Cup

The real winners are all the PGA players, because since Tiger left, their chances have improved like 5000% to win a major. Also, the sport writers, because now they have more stories to write about, aside from the normal “Tiger Wins.” or the Horrendously overused, “Tiger out of the Woods” or “Tiger in the Woods”. Recently they have gotten a little creative thanks to his liaisons with pornstars, and have cheeky titles like “Tiger getting Woody” or “Tiger shows his Wood”. But still, over used. Now, with these new batch of hyenas, writers can be more creative with their headlines, such as:

If Rory wins: “Ror-ring victory”

If Daren wins: “Clarke of the Devil”

If Sergio wins: “Serg-ing to victory”…and my favorite:

If Thomas Bjorn wins: “To Infinity and Bjorn!”

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Where art thou, Tiger?

Dear Tiger,

It’s been a while since you showed up for a golf tournament, my friend. The last time we caught you was at the Players, where for some strange reason, you decided to demonstrate to the world how life is like as a hacker by shooting 42 on the front nine and withdrawing. Actually I’d be extremely happy to shoot 42 at the TPC, but then again, I don’t earn 10 million bucks a year (minus whatever Elin’s taking from you), and have 1 billion people watching your every move and every stroke.

Anyways, strangely as well, the world has moved on even without you. If you were to come back now, you’d see an unrecognisable group of misfits in front of you. You have this boy band Justin Timberlake lookalike called Luke Donald as world number 1, a marshmallow man lookalike Lee Westwood as number 2, and a guy that resembles as much personality as a piece of cardboard as world number 3, by the name of Martin Kaymer. We’ve always been a fan of Rory’s so I won’t talk too much about his curly hair (on his head). But for sakes, Tiger, you’ve got that awfully dressed Ian Poulter in front of you at the world rankings. Doesn’t that make you want to continually pound your 7-iron into his face over and over again?

The fact is, the PGA ranking is becoming like the LPGA, or women’s tennis. It’s embarassing. Nobody cares about the world 1,2 or 3. Those clowns have less charisma than my half blind terrier who lounges in the sun all day and occasionally scratches his bollocks. They are bringing back golf to the middle ages, where it’s dominated by characterless, personality challenged gentlemen who sips tea and don’t talk trash to each other. These are the ones who make golf inaccessible to the foul mouthed public hackers who has ever picked up a club and shanked a ball and miss a 2 foot putt to win 5 bucks. They are alienating the hackers by blasting our beloved game back into the throes of the upper class genteel society, who would always smile losing or winning, and thumb their noses to us sweat covered, mud streaked hackers struggling to a quintuple bogey on an easy par 3.

Where art thou Tiger, the game of golf needs you. You have brought the game out of the dark ages when you thrashed the US Open in Pebble beach by 15 strokes (almost twice more than Rory!), and suddenly we are seeing everyone in our local club wearing red on a casual Saturday round, a’la Tiger (but still playing like crap). You inspired thousands of golfers into the game, because it was no longer a white man’s, gentleman game. You talk smack. You fist pumped in front of your opponents. You had your thug/caddy Steve Williams throw cameras into the pond and kicked reporters. You trashed the crap out of clowns like Stephen Ames who dared challenge your god-like status. Now Rory, Ian Poulter and an unknown idiot called Brendan Steele are all thrash talking you to death, so please, rise up from the ashes like the Phoenix and burn them all! (Not literally since we do not support murder).

Where art thou Tiger? We know you will return, and until then, we’ll just have to be contented with the garbage that’s been showing in golf channel week in week out. Without you, the PGA tour resembles some sort of episode from the Walking Dead, all of these jokers like zombies, playing, smiling, no fist pumping, no club throwing, no foul mouthed screaming that we’ve grown so used to when you ruled the world. You made golf an everyman’s game. Now, it’s just not the same anymore. Who’s gonna stay up to watch golf anymore? Who cares about the next tournament anymore? I’d rather watch reruns of sesame street or Barney the Purple Dinosaur.

Where art thou Tiger?

The world needs you back.

Back on top of the leaderboard, fist pumping your way to Jack’s record, the gallery cheering loud, the glorious Sunday red once again shining bright for the world to see.

Regards,

Gilagolf.net

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Charl Schulz wins the Augusta Masters 2011

Charl Schwartzel

This Masters had it all.

1) We had a Lucy and Linus’s brother, Bo Van Pelt playing with two eagles yet cannot win.

Their creator, Charl Schulz instead took the honors.

2) We had Rory imploding with +7 in the back nine. So sad, yet, it’s a bit of schadenfreude isn’t it, hackers? BTW, Christina Kim seems to really feel for Rory in her tweets, so maybe we should all feel for him and stop making fun of his curly hair, because we all know most Gilagolf readers have a SERIOUS CRUSH on the big gal. Seriously. You guys voted in our previous Hot or Not poll. Christina Kim came first out of 268 voters, ahead of Michelle Wie and Natalie Gublis. Officially Malaysian Golfers have secret crushes on Big Women because we instinctively relate them with FOOD. Take that, stereotype beauties.

3) We had Tiger missing 3 putts within 3 feet like a 24 handicapper hacker. But Tiger finished 4th, and hilariously, here’s what Ian Poulter tweeted after his round:

“Shame I’m not watching the masters about ti fly home to Orlando, it sounds interesting.”

Or, to interpret: “I’m not watching because I know Tiger is going to piledriver his 7 down my throat and ask me to suck it for saying he is a crap golfer. Oh, I wish I didn’t tweet so much like a girl. And I wish I can play better golf instead of wearing tablecloths for my pants.”

4) We have, for the first time, 3 aussies in the top 4 of the leaderboard (yet, still cannot win). We have Jason Day putting like he’s Tiger on the back nine, yet cannot win. The Ghost of Greg “Sharkfin Soup” Norman rises to haunt the Aussies.

5) We had Adam Scott who decided last minute on the 17th and 18th he would look not so handsome in the green jacket and played like a misfit. We also had Luke Justin Timberlake Donald popping in a chip and going a fist pump like he won it all, when actually he is so far back it makes no difference. Compare him to Tiger’s “I rather go eat because -10 sucks.” Aiyo, relaks lah.

6) And we have a guy whose surname we can’t even remember win the green jacket. I guess Charl Sauerbraten deserves to win.

Once again, GPE’s pick of Tiger, Angel and KJ craps out again. On to the next major then….

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Augusta 2011 Gilagolf Prediction Engine (GPE)

Well, after a prolonged break, the now famous, and absolutely undependable Gilagolf Prediction Engine (GPE) for Masters is kicking in again. We are so far Sergio-Garcia-Majors-Win in our prediction, i.e BIG FAT ZERO. I think this year, we’re going to break that. OK, roll call:

Rory McIlroy

Rory McIlroy

This kid is playing without fear. He has no memory of failure, so he’s actually killing Augusta with his drives and his fearless, in your face, I’ll-take-on-anybody-including-your-mother attitude. Will he prevail his four shot lead? Everything says he will, because unlike the mother of all chokers Mr Greg Norman, he has no failure record in Augusta, so he’s playing without actually understanding how important it is. But GPE predicts him to crack under the enormous pressure and his drives will be as curly as his hair in the back nine. Mainly, because we’re jealous of him, being so young and able to play in Augusta while we will be working our butts off tomorrow morning. And also, nobody has won Augusta with a permed hair before.

Jason Day

Jason Day

Really like this kid. He looks a little Asian so obviously that’s a big plus..in fact he looks like one of my pai-kia friends in Sultan Abdul Samad school. GPE doesn’t seem inclined to Aussies though, because of the amount of time they have proven that they have choked in Augusta (starting from the guy that gave away SIX strokes in 1996, who from thereon had his nickname changed from the Shark to the Sharkfin Soup), so sorry, Jason “This Ain’t Your” Day.

Charl Schwartzel

Charl Schwartzel

Umm, no. How many times have we said, anybody with an unpronounceable name, or a name that comes up in spelling bee contests will not win. Sorry, Charl Schwimmer.

K.J Choi

K.J. Choi

GPE is tuned immediately to Asians, because it is by far, the most racialist prediction engine ever. EVER. Anytime we see KJ Choi, it beeps up. He’s like a cuddly teddy bear who will tombstone you if you don’t do what he says. Who can resist that face when he hooked his shot on the 14th, as he stared down at his ball as if he we was going to mash it up into smithereens with his weight lifting hands? Ah KJ, we predict you again (as we did in previous years) TO WIN THE AUGUSTA!! Please, get your act together and win it to save us yet another embarrassing prediction.

Angel Cabrera

Angel Cabrera

If KJ somehow manages to disappoint us yet again, our dark horse selection is Mr Angel “Don Corleone” Cabrera. He looks and play like a Cuban druglord. This is the man. He whacks the ball without a care in the world, and if you start talking technical to him, I bet he’s just going to take his 7-iron and grind you into a pulp. I’d like to see him do that to the annoying and completely BS golf fix guy, Michael Breed.

Luuuuke Donald

Luke Donald

We generally don’t think anybody resembling Justin Timberlake looks good in the green jacket. Nope, he’ll sabotage himself because he doesn’t want to lose his legions of female fans by looking like a nerd in a jacket. A real ugly one at that.

Adam Scott

Adam Scott

See above reference to Luke and Jason.

Bo Van Pelt

Bo Van Pelt

Seriously? Bo Van Pelt? He’s the lost brother of Lucy and Linus Van Pelt from Peanuts. Bo Van Pelt? Come on. Same reason as Charl Sauerkraut.

A bunch of guys are seven off the lead and considered as out of the running, including the MEGA DISAPPOINTING Tiger Woods. He was annoyingly bad in Round 3, putting like a pregnant penguin. We still believe in Tiger, and he has an outside chance to get this. Aside from KJ, Angel, we’ll have Tiger moving up the leaderboard but falling short, probably top 5, so he can have that blabber mouth Ian Poulter eating Tiger Crap for years for saying Tiger sucks so much. The rest at -5 are going to be sideshows.

Go KJ, do it for little Asian men who has disproportionately huge muscles!

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Why Is Martin Kaymer No. 1?

As Augusta weekend begins, one of the most asked question in the golf community is:

Why does Martin Kaymer sucks so much?

Seriously, we don’t really like to bash up folks when they are already down on the ground, and drinking their sorrows away with 20 pints of Jack Daniels; but Martin, how can you call yourself No.1 in the world, and play like us? Like, really suck?

I can’t help it. Augusta weekend is here, and three of the four major champions are gone. Martin, Louis whateverhisnameis and Graeme McDowell are all gone. And not just missed by a shot, but by 50 miles: Louis is +4, Graeme McDowell is +3, and here’s the world no 1 player: +6!! Yikes. You’ve got a dude called “Lion Kim” (the result of a government experiment to mix Tiger Woods and Anthony Kim into one package) ahead of you, World No 1, how do you explain that?

Sure, we got a lot to look forward to, especially with the ultra cocky Rory McIlroy and the Philipino looking guy Jason Day, but we got two of our all time favourites (unfortunately, not David Duval), Tiger and KJ paired up for the weekend. I bet two pieces of bricks will have more conversation than these two friendly fellas. But how can a world no 1 talk like this:

“I think that I don’t really know how to play the golf course. I can think about it for another hour or two hours and I just don’t really find a solution. Maybe I’ve got to sit down with Bernhard Langer later and ask him. He won here twice.”

Umm, yeah, he won here when Alexander Bell was inventing the telephone. Come on, dude, you’re no.1. Why are you asking advice from a 106 year old dude?

“Every day that I’ve played here has been a tough day so far. It’s disappointing because there are just some golf courses that suit you and some that just don’t. It’s just a shame that, obviously this is such a huge tournament here, and if it doesn’t suit your eye and you know it . . . it’s a little frustrating.”

Umm, why don’t you just say, you suck? Instead of blaming ‘some’ golf course like Augusta not fitting your eye? Whats wrong with your eye? Now, Tiger would shank and do all sorts of stupid shots with his clubs, but his response was:

“I’m close. I’m getting better, I’m almost there. You mean that shank? Jeez, you fool, I did that on purpose, so that I can show off my recovery skill. Stop asking me such stupid questions, you know how terrifically big my muscles are? Say, you’re quite a pretty interviewer..natural blonde? Doing anything later?”

That is the confidence we need to hear from a world No.1. Someone who will just Tiger-pow the interviewer if there’s a slightest hint of exposing his weaknesses.

People said Martin Kaymer can’t hit a draw. I’m like, dude. World No 1 can’t hit a draw? It’s like saying Chinaman contractor don’t like pork. It’s unheard of. How can you NOT BE ABLE TO HIT A DRAW??!?!

Impossible as it may be, here’s the proof on Why Martin Kaymer Sucks:

Notice how after Martin hits the ‘draw’, that golf fix guy started babbling like an idiot, and Martin just looked like he swallowed a durian. With the shell. And immediately after that ‘draw’ Golf Channel immediately whacks out a reminder that this guys is the PGA Champion!! He’s a major champion!! He’s not some kind of hack they found in Rahman Putra! This is to convince the viewers that he intended to hit two shots that resemble the famous banana slice and the duck hook of Hackers. And of course, the golf channel guy was BS-ing all the way, until he had to say, “This BS sounds good to you? OK, let’s get out of here, before they see you play like an idiot again. Thanks for making me lose my job, world no 1!!”

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The Picture that Tiger hates most

One of my favourite pastime these days is trawling the web looking for Tiger Woods news, while eating left over chinese new year cookies…or trying to finish the 232 mandarin oranges left at home.

Tiger has had so much bad press about him, you’d think people should just give him a break and move on with life. To see how the mighty has fallen, even the association for animals are ‘hentaming’ the guy! I thought this was funny…and so merciless. Talk about hitting a dead dog.

TigerPETA.jpg

However, the picture that probably pisses Tiger off the most is:

I can’t get over how a short asian dude can take Tiger down in the majors. This is such a cool picture.

In fact, through some hi-tech technology and state of the art animation and graphical processing that Dreamworks would be proud off, GilaTech managed to magically alter the picture for you to draw your own triumphant face there.

funny.jpg picture by gilagolf
As you can see, the graphics and artistic skill is obviously there.

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Letters to Tiger – from your buddies on tour

To Tiger,

You are selfish.

First, you get to frolic with 18 (or was it 20?) women over the last couple of years while still beating the crap out of us, winning all those majors I was supposed to win, and making me look like a jackass in front of everyone, and breaking my golf spirit so bad that I needed to see a shrink…I was number 2 in the world, dang it! And now, even that clown David Duval can probably beat me.

You are selfish because here we are, honest golfers trying to eke out a miserable living playing in a PGA tour that’s doing so bad this year, and the number of viewers is lower than the ones watching Landscape and Gardening Channel, and here you go, launching your nice little news conference smack in the middle of our tournament. You’re always looking to steal the limelight, even now! Isn’t it enough that you’ve stole so many of my majors from me already? EH??

Anyways, from my personal opinion, I think you should just stay away from the game until you really learn some humility. That means not smacking your ex-sponsors in their face by taking away the limelight from their biggest tournament. That means giving a proper news conference that has questions and answers. That means facing the music like a man, like those idiots at Toyota. Unfortunately, Tim Finchem, that spineless little twit that’s secretly your house dog, loves you too much and will do anything to get you back.

Heck, I didn’t think much of you in the first place because you never said Hi to me or at least, “Sorry, Ernie, for smacking your butt around the course all these years while I’m just screwing around and not even being serious with my game”…but now, you can just eat ostrich crap, as they say here in South Africa.

Yours Truly,

Ernie

Ernie Els

P/S – I am going the beat your philandering a** in the Tavistock Cup when Lake Nona will KILL Isleworth. Go NONA!

#######

To Tiger,

Oi, you like smacking around your ex-sponsors like you do your ex-galfriends, eh? Tell ye what, you show your butt here in Ireland, we gonna show you how to be a man. Look at me hero, Darren Clarke…lost his wife, still played through his grief and kick the heck out of ye americans at K Club in the Ryder Cup. Quit Whining and just face the music, mate. You screwed up by screwing around, so what? Now you’re not just a screw up, you’re also a sissy. A wuss. A poof, as we like to call it ‘ere at this side of the pond. Ah, bollocks, I’d rather down a pint of beer than talk about you, poof.

Rory M.

Rory McIlroy

#######

Tiger,

Thanks for showing us how a tiger can become a chicken. Why don’t you just come out and let people ask you questions instead of yabbering on like a blardy robot, mate? Nobody’s gonna give a darn about my tournament now, you know, the one that I won last year? Everyone’s interested in your little conference.

You need to take control, eh! We waited for 3 months and all we got is this hollywood scripted crap? It’s nonsense mate! Answer this questions only: Are you coming back soon and when? Also, some anonymous fellas on tour are asking some strange questions like, why are all the women you bang, white? Why don’t you dig black gals? Are you racialist?

And stop asking everyone to leave you or your family alone! You earn 90 million BUCKS A YEAR…that’s enough to buy the entire island of Tasmania. You should have no right to ask people to leave you alone, because with that much money, you are public property. You’re dog food for the press, mate. Get used to it!

Sincerely,

Geoff Ogilvy

Geoff Ogilvy

#########

Dear Tiger,

I don’t care about your private life. I just want to know two things:

1) What’s your pick up line to get those hotties, especially that porn star chic?

2) Why are all the women you bang, white? Why don’t you dig black girls? Are you racialist?

Regards,

Sergio

P/s – Let’s hit the clubs for some white chicks when you get back, eh, mate?

Sergio Garcia