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Golf Channel – You suck.

Or to be more precise, your commentators suck.

I don’t know what’s their name, but those two flers commentating the Ryder Cup absolutely get on my nerves…especially the guy that talks in a half whisper with a bit of English accent.

This is the Ryder cup. There’s home court advantage to the Americans. What the h*** is home court advantage if they just clap their hands, drink tea and say, “Good day everyone?”

The fact is, the commentators in Golf Channel covering Ryder Cup 2012 in Medinah should be sacked. They have obviously demonstrated their biasness and bigotry for the Europeans. Note:

Poulter standing over a crucial putt. Commentator: “Come on, show us as you have always done, what you are made of.” And when the skinny pants Poulter makes it, commentator: “Yes! He is all courage.” Or something like that. The one thing I can’t stand is his demeaning and condescending view of the fans in medinah, at one point, saying the “vociferous” crowd has no class in laughing at Sergio Garcia duffing an easy chip like a 24 handicapper. He mentioned that they should not jeer or laugh, and it was inappropriate.

I don’t know who the heck this guy is, but he should shot point blank up his nose with a paint ball gun. He seemed to have forgotten that this wasn’t golf. It was the Ryder Cup event. The home advantage is “Advantage”. And Sergio fluffing a chip? He’s making billions from playing this stupid game and he can’t take a bit of jeering? Come on.

The commentator for the Ryder Cup is absolutely pathetic. Don’t cover the Ryder Cup if you don’t know what home advantage is. And above all, don’t demean paying fans to watch millionaires play a game that most of us play by sneaking out of the office or home. The fans deserve to jeer or cheer, it’s the nature of the Ryder Cup tradition.

I’ve muted this annoying idiot and am now watching silent golf.

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Tiger, Why You No Win at Ryder Cup?

Y U No - Tiger Woods Y U NO enter putt at ryder cup?

I watched the game.

The last putt. The final putt that everyone on earth knew Tiger would hit, do a fist pump and halve the match between him and Lee Westwood/Nicolas Colsaerts.

He apparently partnered a guy called Steve Stricker, who played like he had hernia throughout the game. Stricker was absolutely, foul-mouthedly horrendously shite. In fact, at one point, I saw Jim Furyk turned a disdaining look at this old fart as if to say: “Tiger dumped me for you? You play worse than a crippled, herniated chimp.”

So Tiger was actually being gangbanged by two guys. I mean on the golf course of course. Stricker was just there for the show, and if USA had their way, this would be the absolutely last time Steve Stricker had anything to do with the Ryder Cup. Forever. He SUCKS.

Anyway, Tiger had that last putt, a right to left about 8 – 10 feet. The bet was that when there was something on the line, he always delivered. 16th hole, the down hill 15 footer. 17th hole, the tee shot sticking to the pin, when the crippled herniated chimp had dumped his into the water.

He putted, the ball tracked and treacherously for unknown reasons, steered too far left, molested the side of the cup and stayed out, to the groans of 40,000 people in the gallery. Tiger failed.

Much like his retarded 4 footer putt that didnt even touch the hole on the 15th, Tiger has been very….crap lately with his Nike endorsed putter. And playing with a guy like Coesarts didn’t help. This Belgian was seriously like Terminator. He ended with eight birdies and an eagle, with long putts all over the green. It came to a point when as long as he was on the green, no matter if he was putting from across the country, he would dunk it in. 8 birdies. And if his first hole putt that molested the cup, or another putt that did a 360 before rimming out had gone in it would be: 10 birds and 1 Eagle. A -12.

As it is, the Europeans put their first win on the board for the afternoon and instead of being down 6 -2 , they are 5 – 3, and Tiger has been benched by that idiot Davis Love for the morning shootout on Saturday. Yo, Davis Love, nobody bench Tiger. You should just euthanise Stricker and move on.

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Golf World at Medinah

Well this week is the week.

After what has been a thoroughly disappointing season for us Tiger fans, at least we have one thing to look forward to: Ryder cup. I mean, Tiger lost the Fedex to a mop hair guy called Brandt Snedeker last week. This Snedeker fella won 11.4 Million USD in four days. OK, that’s about 5 hours a day. So per hour, Snedeker was winning 570,000USD per hour. Half a million an hour. Playing golf. I feel like smacking him in the face.

Anyways, back to Medinah. Where on earth is Medinah anyway? It’s in the outskirts of Chicago. Not many people know, Chicago is in the state of…Illinois. You might be able to get your golf tee times for Medinah over at EZ Links. But I won’t bet on it for this weekend.

So who’s gonna win it?

Key stories to tell:

1. Tiger vs Rory

This is obviously a dream pairing if they get together on Singles Sunday. I mean, this would absolutely blow the TV ratings off the roof.

2. Europe Emotional

Europe is very emotional now, with Seve Ballesteros’s spirit hovering over them.

3. USA’s Hot Streaks

That Brandt guy is on a hot streak. Let’s just hopefully it can last as long as his Justin Bieber hairstyle.

4. The Hometeam

With US as hometeam, they might be able to carve some advantage. US has only won on homesoil since 1993. That’s almost 20 years of hard luck outside of US. But they’ve won the previous US edition, so it’s good.

5. The Prediction

I’d love to say it’s the US, but based on the captains, I’d say the Euro could fancy taking this one. Davis Love is just not there as a leader. Compared to Olazabal, he’s pretty sterile.

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The Three Old Stooges

Now, I’m sure the golf world has been abuzz recently with the recent comments on Tiger Woods. As some of you know, Gilagolf is a rabid supporter of Tiger. Not because he’s a great player and all. It’s because without Tiger, watching golf SUCKS. Seriously. It’s blardy boring. Awful. Of course, thousands of articles have dissected what these 3 flers have to say about Tiger:

1. Greg Norman: “Tiger is scared of Rory.”

2. Nick Faldo: “Tiger has lost his aura.”

3. Johnny Miller: “I can train Tiger.”

The first 1 is actually a joke I think. I mean, it’s Greg Norman. He has been senile since he lost that six stroke lead in the 96 masters, shooting 78. Not many people know, he was then admitted to a mental asylum at Arkham and his publicity had a double dress up as Greg and has been impersonating the golfer since. Greg, oh Greg, you have been voted as ESPN’s greatest choke artist OF ALL TIME. You would be intimidated by a pigeon. Being roasted on a stick and half eaten. Of course, you have the right to see if someone is intimidated, you would know, right? There, there Greg, you can go back to your cell at the asylum, where no pigeons will coo at you. Thank you for one of the most hilarious, though sadly expectedly insane, statement of all time.

Nick Faldo, who actually is Harrison Ford’s twin brother is pretty bitter, because he used to bang all the girls that Tiger banged, and now likely Rory is banging. Pornstars seem to flock to golf world no 1. So Nick has beef against Tiger, for not sharing the pornstars with him. I mean, he’s a serial divorcee. And he looks like he has bathed in orange juice, with his pruny face! Anyways, has Tiger lost his aura? Don’t think so. Check out the crowds following him even now. He’s a million times bigger than Rory, and that piece of wood, Donald Sutherland. I mean Luke Donald. i can’t even get that joker’s name right!

Johnny Miller. I admit. I had to google this guy. Goodness. He’s a guy who won 2 majors. 2. To train a dude who has won seven times more. If greg was senile, Johnny Miller is taking cocaine. Honestly believe it. This can be the only explanation what possessed him to say things like that. They are just competing on coming up with the most purile, offensively stupid statements just to get attention to themselves, since the only ones who care about their opinion are their pet iguanas. I can’t even comment on this guy, because it’s like me telling Fernando Alonso that I can teach him how to drive an F1 car. This is really the craziest statement ever made by a guy who probably has had lobotomy done, and now operating entirely on animal instinct.

Here’s the story, you stooges.

The dashed line above is when Tiger Woods came into the tour. Before that, Golf was a sterile game played by white hair dudes who call themselves fearless names like “Shark”, but looks more like a carribean tabby cat. I mean, come on. Golf = SHARK? Which part of this person look like a shark? Anyways, there has been an exponential increase since Tiger came along, translating to this simple fact:

Without Tiger, Golf is extinct as far as endorsements are concern. without him, Rory will be working at a deli. Luke Donald would be a pimp, and VJ would still be playing with monkeys in Borneo. That’s why I think he deserves more respect, because he has singlehandedly brought Golf to where it is now. Fist pump, ESPN highlights and stuff.

The three old stooges are obviously pissed because they missed the boat. They were earning about USD5000 for each win. Now, punks earn 500,000 for the win. Greg Norman took like 30 years to get to 10 million in earnings. Tiger took 4 years. He has busted past 100 million this year. Greg is just beyond pissed that he now has to take up a job as a golf course designer and decorator of children’s playland to pay the bills. Same goes for Nick Faldo. Johnny Miller only earned a total of USD15 bucks in his career, which afforded him to buy a pair of walking shoes to walk to and from tournaments during the 1880s and the civil war period. Johnny Miller is about 140 years now, and usually kept in a cryogenic tank when he’s not out commenting on people’s game. So sad.

Anyways, enough of wisecracking over these 3 poor flers. On with the show, Tiger leading. DON’T BLOW IT TIGER!

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Ryder Cup – The truth behind the selections

OK, Ryder cup time is almost upon us. Bring out the late night snacks, the drinks, the bets. Ryder Cup golf betting could be big this year, as we prepare for what is the closest in golf to head to head, mano e mano, in your face competition. Face it, golf is awful boring when Tiger is playing more like Tasmanian Tiger, i.e extinct. But the Ryder cup (forget the sissy Presidents Cup) is the penultimate single one to one brawl in golf.

But here’s the honest truth. The Americans are in trouble. Not because Tiger is putting like he’s already got glaucoma, or the fact that Rory for some strange reason had found his mojo and now trashing everyone; it’s because of their selection. Davis Love III really sucks as the captain.

OK, I never liked Davis Love III. He comes across as a spoiled, rich guy who doesn’t know hard work and who was born with a silver spoon stuck firmly in his pouty mouth. He likely is not, but in Gilagolf, we place a lot of importance in looks…and believe that generalisation is the best way to go about life.

Anyway, for those who played their way into the team…great, got no beef against these guys. It’s the selection picks. There are four of them.

1. Jim Furyk

The fist of furyk has long lost its mojo. With a swing resembling an iguana trying to hump a polecat, he might bring some veteran leadership into the team, but face it, with these young punks, he’s going to be blown out of the water. Rating: Poor.

2. Dustin Johnson

We like him. But the fact is that his mental game is KFC’s mash potatoes. He’s just not there. He’s not a closer. 2010 US Open, with 3 up in the final round, he cockily said, “If I keep playing like this, I’ll be hard to beat.” Thank you. The golf jinx is back. He shot 82 and had to hide his big head in a hole. Come on. 82, and you’re still in the team? Jeez. Rating: Disaster.

3. Steve Stricker

Probably the best for captain’s pick. He’s the kind of guy who plays like he’s on life support. He’s so dead boring. Even the camera man has been known to move away from his game to observe ants carrying grains of sand for half hour. Stricker is probably not the best when faced with blustery Europeans, but who else is there? Rating: OK

4. Brandt Snedeker

I just don’t like writing his name. It’s too difficult. Why do you have a ‘t’ at the end of Brand? What purpose does it serve?? likewise, why oh why are you selected?? We need cocky, confident, alpha males in Ryder cup. Seriously. The whole context changes and you can’t depend on normally dependable guys who ‘plays the course’ to succeed. We need guys like Rickie Fowler and Hunter Mahan … young punks playing crazy game and taking stupid risks, and stare at the opponents in the face and go, yeah, I am going to Gangnam style you, man! can you imagine this guy doing gangnam style? You can’t, then ok, forget it.

Who should have been selected?

1. Rickie Fowler – He’s a punk that dresses like an American Ian Poulter, except he’s more colorful

2. Hunter Mahan – come on, I know he chokes, but give him a break. He won twice. Now he’s crying because it’s so hard to watch the Ryder cup, after earning 5 million this year. Yeah right. What about the guy in south india that earns 2 USD peddling stones 5 miles a day? Huh, Mr Mahan??? Ooops, sorry, forgot I was supporting you. Gangnam Style!

3. Ok, I would take Dustin Johnson as well, because he’s so…tall.

4. Stricker. The Empire Stricks back. I think that would have been an excellent headline if US can win the cup due to him.

Bring it on!!

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PGA TOUR is STUPID

Yes.

PGA Tour is stupid.

After missing opportunities to pair up a possible Vijay, Tiger and Rory in the 3rd round for the BMW championship, they again mess up the fourth round pairing. Here’s the leader board:

And here is the tee time tonight for the final round:

I mean, seriously, it does not take a genius to figure out the delicious storylines in store here, and as golfers, storylines are what rivalries are made of. Because golf is so blardy boring to watch, in effect, just a couple of old men swinging a club, or in some rare instances swinging their other equipments at multiple pornstars; any storyline is a good storyline.

VJ and Phil.

Vijay is one of my favourite players. He has a “I don’t give an F who you are because I was brought up in the jungles in borneo hitting golf balls at orang utans in the sunset” attitude. He doesn’t care. It’s very likable. If he had a facebook page, I’d “like” it a million times if it’s possible. It’s not. So once is enough. Anyway, Vijay hates Phil because Phil is fat, walks around Augusta greens and his spike marks spoils the green. Vijay doesn’t give fart if Phil was Mr Popular, he went at him like a lion in the dressing room and they had to be separated by 5 players, Phil’s eyes were blue black, Vijay’s knuckles bleeding and the aforementioned offending shoe spike stuck in Phil’s back for a few hours. Vijay will stare down Phil today and win the head to head.

Rory and Lee Westwood

Between the two, I don’t know who I dislike more. But whatever it is, they dislike each other more. We don’t know, and can’t trace back to the exact moment, but it was likely that night in the pub when Rory came in with his first major trophy, the US Open, and asked all the Irish men to fill it with Guinness. Lee, who was there took offense that he didn’t ask to mix the English beer in as well and wasn’t invited to the table, which was for “Irish, major winners only, including Grahme and Padraig”. Since then, Lee Westwood has given Rory the eyeball. But instead of WWII like Vijay and Phil, it was more like a cold war between them, so it will be interesting to see how Rory kick Lee Westwood’s butt tonight.

So they got these two right. Now you got 3 guys at -14 and a certain Mr Woods at -13, so one of the -14 guys will be with Mr Woods right?

WHO ELSE??

Adam Scott!!! So we can see Steve Williams and his old employer. If Vijay and Phil is WWII, Steve and Tiger is at thermonuclear, intergalactic warfare. It would have drawn THE largest crowd of the entire decade.

Instead, they give us this: Adam Scott and this clown called Garrigus and Tiger and his old friend Dustin. Jeez.

We all know that Tiger doesn’t motivate himself anymore. He needs external motivation. Played like a hero when Rory was battling him. Played like a pondan when  he had nobody to drive him today. And now, with a friendly party like Dustin Hoffman, I mean, Johnson, Tiger has 0 chance to win. He’s going to fade, play like a nutball and end up like 15th or 20th or something.

Stupid PGA Tour people.

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Golf is truly 1Malaysia

For those of you who know me…and amazingly, I’ve actually seen a number of you guys, thanks to me selling you my golf clubs…I’ve taken a long leave of absence from this depraved game eversince my first kid popped into this world more than 2 months ago. That’s right, I haven’t smelled a green or fairway in over 70 days. Although that might come as a negligent fact to many non-golfers in this world, to golfers, it’s like a smoker not smoking for 70 days, or a shopaholic not shopping for 70 days. Same thing. Golfers understand.

I was talking to the husband of my wife’s friend, who came back from Singapore for the Raya celebration, and who just had a newborn as well, and he looked amazed that I never touched the golf club for 2 plus months. According to his wife, he was actually golfing almost 6 days a week when the newborn was introduced into the world. In fact, he was golfing when she went into contractions! Of course, he rushed back from his game in Bangkok, but after chit chatting for a while, and getting bored of our wives’ kids talk, I introduced him to my stash of golf clubs and we spent the next half hour going through every club in the bag, from drivers to the old Ping Eye 2 set, to the old school putters I had. We were so into it, finally our wives had to drag both of us away from each other, and we promised each other to meet up end of the year to have a few rounds in Singapore or Batam.

It’s amazing, that when golfers come together, it is truly 1Malaysia. He and I never really had too much in common…I mean, guys never really had much to talk about. We didn’t want to go too much into politics, he probably thought I was an Opposition fanatic, I think he’s probably BN, we are most probably wrong about each other etc. But when we talk about golf, didn’t matter we were one China man and the other Malay, we just talked.

Same thing today, when I met a client, who was Indian, and instead of going through the IT audit plan, we talked 45 minutes about our golfing adventures, until my audit team was wondering what the heck was I doing.

For some strange reason, golf draws two human beings closer together than any other games can. Or any 1Malaysia propaganda, or B-Grade Merdeka theme songs, or a Merdeka logo that looks slightly worse than a baboon’s shit…maybe because as golfers, we are all fellow sufferers, fellow hackers, fellow strugglers and fellow soldiers in the game, and as the great Victor Hugo once said:

“Great perils have this beauty, that they bring to light the fraternity of strangers.”

Amen to that.

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I Hope there is another train wreck

After seeing the disaster of the previous major, I am hoping that Rory screws up big time.

I don’t know why I don’t like him. I just don’t. I can’t stand the fact that he hits the ball so darn far, and looks like one of those clowns from the brady bunch. I hope down the stretch the wind picks up and we see a catastrophe!

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Things that really suck in our country

Those of you who have been following this blog since we burst into existence know that it is very rare that I write anything else besides golf. Sure, sometimes I write about my travels, about my kid, about my dog, about some random chicken I happen to run over, but 99% of the content here deals with golf. No politics. No religion. No race. No nonsensical, blardy crap National Day logos and Merdeka songs written by half witted ministers.

But this just completely makes me and 99% of our beloved country boil over, and makes you go, “This is why the world thinks the only difference between Malaysia and a bucket of shit, is the bucket.”

Noor Afizal Azizan.

Remember this name.

It may go down as the most dastardly name of all time, causing everyone with the name Afizal, Azizan or Noor to file for a name change the same way that thousands of people named Himmler and Hitler did in post world war II. I don’t need to say what this guy did.

He’s a national bowler. She’s a 13 year old. They had sex. In Ayer Keroh. Which has a pretty good golf course, but that’s besides the point. He was 18 years old.

He allegedly raped her. “Allegedly” is a legal term, meaning, I can’t say for sure, but I’m calling you a rapist anyway, but I can pull this back in case you wanna sue me for defamation. I think. So he gets sentenced.

What really takes the cake is this:

“On Aug 7, he escaped punishment when the Court of Appeal president Raus Md Sharif set aside the five-year jail term imposed on Noor Afizal and agreed with Noor Afizal’s counsel, Hisyam Teh Poh Teik, that public interest would not be served by a custodial sentence, as Noor Afizal showed great promise.”

I feel like the guy that Kevin Bacon played in A few Good Men, in his opening statement at the start of the court proceedings. It’s like I’m right there, saying:

“Hisyam Teh Poh Teik (wait, are you chinese or malay?) is going to try and work a little magic here. He’ll try a little misdirection. Astonishing stories of rituals. Dazzle you with official-sounding terms like “BrightFutureRapeOK”. He may even try to cut in into a few MCA ministers. He has no evidence,but it’ll be entertaining.But in the end, all this magic will not obscure the fact — that a 13 year old girl was allegedly raped, and Noor Afizal allegedly raped her. These are the undisputed facts.”

Can you imagine after thinking he was gonna win, the prosecutor Tom Cruise lookalike with Harvard mouth in a faggoty white uniform faces the Noor Afizal shouting, “Did you or did you not allegedly rape that girl??”

(This is a satirical enactment. This is in no way representative of the truth. As with most of this blog.)

Noor Afizal: “You’re goddamn right I allegedly DID!”

Silence.

Prosecutor Tom Cruise Look a like: “I suggest the jury be dismissed, and we move to an article A session. The witness has rights.”

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: “Wait, wait, mana kita ada juri ini?”

Tom Cruise Harvard Mouth Faggoty White Uniform: …… …….

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: I overrule Mr Tom Cruise lookalike. In fact, we will substitute Afizal’s jail sentence with  promise from him to be on good behaviour for the next five years, and he’s free to go.

Tom Cruise: What the f*…

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: Eh. Jangan haram. I totally agree with the counsel who is either chinese or malay confusing name, that it would not be in the public Best Interest if Afizal go to jail, as he has a Bright Future. As in, Malaysia citizens best interest, Malaysian tax payers best interest will not be served if we sentence an alleged rapist to Jail for allegedly raping a 13 year old girl. Everyone in Malaysia would prefer an alleged rapist to walk free since maybe he can achieve Gold for kedah in our next Sukma? He has Bright Future you know!

Nor Afizal: Ya, And you tau apa they do to alleged rapist in jail? It rhymes with “GRAPE!”.

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: It is settled then. In malaysia, if you have bright future, you can allegedly rape anybody, even 13 year old children. Pedophiles must have bright future first. Ini lah JANJI DITEPATI!

Tom Cruise Look alike: But. But. I also got bright future as lawyer. Or Civil engineer. How about bright future as garbage man? Or bright future as Mafia? Or Bright Future as rapist.

Tan Sri Raus Sharif: Kelakar Tom cruise ini. You can go eat crap with your Scientologist nonsense for all I care. Nor Afizal, you are free! Please do not allegedly rape any more children for at least 5 years ok? Selamat Jalan!

So in conclusion, as long as you have Bright Future, you can allegedly rape and commit crimes that in normal developed countries will send you straight to hell. I got Bright Future also as golfer, so Tan Sri Raus, can I avoid tax ah?

#BrightFutureRapeOK – Twitter it!

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Introducing the Tiger Killer

Phil Mickleson was right.

A long time ago when he was still relevant to the game of golf, he said this of Tiger:

“Tiger you could be a sh*t lot better than what you are now, if only you stop using those inferior equipment of yours.” Pause. “I mean your golf clubs. Not your other anatomical equipment of course.”

Or something like that. It was a long time ago. Phil was still thin.

After watching him miss a 2 footer sitter than even a hack like me can probably can it 10 out of 10 times, I’ve decided that Tiger is killed by Nike.

Here’s the Tiger Killer:

Nice, eh?

It’s actually a great disguise for what the crappiest piece of junk ever found in sport. In fact, it was voted as the worst putter in history, after this fine piece of equipment:

Actually the hot dog putter is a really good one. Especially if you feel hungry also.

As long as Tiger refuses to dump the junk equipment he’s using, he has very little chance of winning any majors again.

Thanks Nike, for mass producing the crappiest golf equipment in history and killing Tiger Woods in the process.